Comments | rt_challenge: Whisper of a Touch

bratty_jedi in rt_challenge

Whisper of a Touch

Jul 14, 2006 09:15

Title: Whisper of a Touch
Author: bratty_jedi (Rachael)
Format: Ficlet (~ 350 words)
Rating: All Audiences
Prompt: 28 (July 13): Brush.
Warning: Silliness
Summary: "She brushed at her face, half-expecting to find the silken strands of a dislodged spider web that would explain the recurring tingling sensations."
Author's note: I just wrote something fairly ( Read more... )

bratty_jedi, prompt 28

Comments 16

mrstater July 14 2006, 13:57:30 UTC

I think you know I love mischievous Remus, and he's no exception in this fic. This is such an adorable, fun take on the prompt. He must delight in trying to catch an Auror off her guard.

"Me? Late?" he asked incredulously. "Never."

He seemed insulted by the mere suggestion.

This, I think, is my favorite bit, along with Tonks line about him being more likely to be up to no good. I wonder if you might cut the incredulous part and just say, "Me? Late?" He seemed insulted by the mere suggestion. "Never." -- and quite possibly give him some sort of facial expression or a description of the tone in lieu of the vague verb "seemed". Because it's just SO funny, the idea of Remus being both straight-laced and offended at being late and offended that she didn't immediately assume he was causing trouble. Just my two cents, of course.

Again, fun piece, a nice way to kick off my morning, and also a good inspiration as I'm working on a bit of Marauder!Remus myself. :)

bratty_jedi July 14 2006, 17:14:28 UTC

Oh, I can't wait for your Marauder!Remus. He is always so much fun and you do an exceelent job with him. I'm glad you liked mine.

I think it usually takes until the third or fourth draft and often the help of a beta before I'm happy with the show vs. tell dynamic in my stories. Unfortunately, this ficathon doesn't allow the time for that. I do hope to edit all my entries and put the cleaned up versions on my LJ if no where else so I really appreciate the suggestions. What do you think of this:

"I thought you were late," she pouted. "I was getting worried."

His eyebrows quirked upwards and he frowned at her intimation. "Me? Late?" He snorted. "Never."

"Forgive me," she said while rolling her eyes. Only Remus would be affronted by the mere suggestion that he might not arrive someplace on time. "I should have known you were more likely to be causing trouble than to be late."

"Absolutely!" he proudly agreed with her as he took her hand and together they set out for their walk around the lake.

mrstater July 14 2006, 17:23:45 UTC

I'm right there with you about having to write a little faster than normal and post things that feel slightly half-baked -- especially in the show vs. tell area. But I'm glad to hear you're going to revise your pieces; I'll look forward to reading the finished products after the ficathon!

Your tweaks are GREAT! I can just picture Remus' face going like that, and the snort is perfect. Tonks half-annoyed reaction is funny, too. The only thing you might want to think about for later is "proudly" in the last sentence. His boistrous reply rather conveys the pride in and of itself, but another accompanying mannerism might work there, too. A smirk, a puffed out chest, whatever. But of course that's just me and icing. ;)

bratty_jedi July 14 2006, 23:38:27 UTC

As I read back over it, the mental image of Remus I have always includes him winking. I don't really know why. I may change the "proudly" bit to include some kind of wink from him.

Thread 6

godricgal July 14 2006, 15:00:55 UTC

This is such a lovely lighthearted piece. Very nicely done.

The only thing I can add to mrstater's comments is perhaps a slight change to this bit:

she said while rolling her eyes.

To say why she is rolling her eyes, because he has been causing trouble or at his reaction to her accusation or even both.

As Lisa says, it really is very funny and for me it fits both their characters so well.

bratty_jedi July 14 2006, 17:17:21 UTC

Thanks much for your comment and I'm glad you liked the story. Your suggestion is much appreciated and I'm playing with some rewrites building on your comments and mrstater's. I posted the current revisions in response to her comment. I'd love to hear what you think :)

godricgal July 14 2006, 18:06:42 UTC

I like your tweaks. I can't help but see a twinkle in his eye somewhere at the end there. I thought this when I read it the first time, but even more so now because I can just imagine it so well.

bratty_jedi July 14 2006, 23:40:25 UTC

I'm glad the tweaks helped make your mental image even better. Thanks for the help in getting there.

iamweebles July 14 2006, 18:33:43 UTC

Ha! That's adorable - I really do like playful Remus and this is charming.

bratty_jedi July 14 2006, 23:36:59 UTC

Thanks much for the comment. I thought it was about time I let him have a little light-hearted fun.

annabtg July 14 2006, 21:17:13 UTC

A nice, sweet little fic! Fluffy, too ^_^

See ya,
Anna.

bratty_jedi July 14 2006, 22:45:30 UTC

I'm glad you liked it. Thanks for commenting!

wildmagelet July 14 2006, 23:51:06 UTC

So sweet! I love playful!Remus. Although, witch accustomed to the magical world or not, I would probably have a heart attack if my boyfriend did that to me, lol. Especially if I thought it was a spider web! :)

bratty_jedi July 15 2006, 00:05:16 UTC

Tonks doesn't strike me as the type to be afraid of spider webs. I'm not that big a fan of them, myself, with or without the spider attached. I would have to kill a BF if he did something like that to me.