There's Only This
Author/Artist:
author_by_night
Title: There's Only This
Rating & Warnings: PG
Word Count: 2,699
Prompt:
solochan's s request:
Prompt: The heart may freeze
Or it can burn
The pain will ease
If I can learn
There is no future
There is no past
I live this moment
As my last
There's only us
There's only this
Forget regret
Or life is yours to miss
No other road
No other way
No day but today"
- Another Day from Rent
Summary: When Sturgis is arrested, Tonks tries to divert everyone's attention onto happier fares.
Author's Note: Takes place during OoTP. Also, as a random note, this song has always made me think of Remus/Tonks, but I've never actually considered writing a fic with it in mind until now.
"What do you mean there's nothing you can do?"
Remus stood up alongside his friend, ready to hold him back. Kingsley was visibly upset, but Sirius didn't care about that, and no one could blame him.
"He lost the trial. Not that it was much of one," Kingsley added. "Sturgis has been sentenced to Azkaban for six months. I tried, I really did."
"You can't tell me you tried!" Sirius exclaimed. "He can't be there! It's not... it's not for the innocent... we have to do something, he can't live the way I did..."
Sirius sank back into his chair with help from Tonks.
"He's one of my closest friends," Kingsley said. "Don't think I don't care about this."
"It's just - it's Azkaban."
Remus and Tonks looked at one another and exchanged a nod.
"Maybe you should leave us," Remus told Kingsley quietly.
"I understand."
But even when Kingsley did, Sirius didn't talk. Instead, he kept muttering to no one in particular.
"Azkaban... I bet I could get him out..."
"No!" Remus said sharply. "Under no circumstances-"
"I didn't mean it," Sirius said quickly. "Besides, I need to be as close to Harry as possible right now."
"This is boring," Tonks announced.
Remus and Sirius both balked as she jumped up, tripped over a chair, then bounced back and hurried off.
"What's gotten into her?" Sirius asked.
"I don't know..."
"We're playing a game."
Tonks had returned, holding Exploding Snap cards.
"I'm not sure this is the best time," Remus said quietly.
"You've just got rotten luck with this game," Tonks said. "Sirius? Are you in?"
Sirius hesitated, then grunted. "Fine. I have nothing better to do. Let me just get some Firewhiskey."
Once Sirius disappeared, Remus hissed, "what are you doing? He shouldn't be drinking."
Tonks shrugged. "He needs to cheer up."
"Dora, our friend is in Azkaban."
"Dora?" Tonks raised her eyebrows, and Remus realized what he'd just said.
"Oh, don't look so shy," she added when Remus wasn't sure what to say next. "It's obvious you're smitten with me."
"I'm - what?"
"Who's smitten with you?" Sirius asked as he sat back down, pulling out the cork.
"Remus, but he won't admit it," Tonks replied, a mischievous glint in her eye.
Remus wasn't sure where exactly he stood with Tonks. Was he smitten with her? It was true she'd become a very dear friend, but not in the same way James, Sirius and Peter had been. She was different. Remus hadn't missed his other friends when they left the room, he didn't remember what their hair smelled like no matter how many times they changed it... it hadn't even been like that with the women he'd been with. If you could even call it that; he'd only had sex with another woman once, and they'd both been seeking solace, not romance. He'd cared about her too much to let it happen again, but he hadn't really loved her, nor had she loved him. They'd just been lonely and desperate and lost in their own sorrow.
Tonks had her demons, there was no doubt about that - how could she not? But she seemed afraid to confront them, and was perhaps even unaware they were there. Perhaps it was subconscious. She acted bubbly every day, as though their world wasn't crumbling down. Remus couldn't understand it, especially not now.
Except in a way, he could - she was a lot like he'd once been, with a dash of Sirius's impulsive tendencies. And pink-red-blonde-green hair. He saw his twenty-something year old self in her all the time.
"Well, Moony, if that's true you'd better hurry," Sirius said, putting a card on the table.
"Have you ever been in love?" Tonks asked, and Remus wondered whether or not she sensed his discomfort, or if she was embarrassed that she'd opened up so much. She was the only person he knew who could be so open and yet so well concealed at the same time.
"I don't know," Sirius said. "I was a teenager, how much can teenagers really be in love? I had girlfriends, yeah, but... we always broke up over dumb things. Or because they were dumb."
"Surely there's someone who got away," Tonks giggled.
"There was Gwenog Jones," Sirius muttered.
"Gwenog Jones? The famous Quidditch player?" Remus gasped. "Why didn't you tell me?"
"It was a weekend fling," Sirius said, waving his hand. Sirius said. "And then some. But then she got drafted by the Harpies, and that was the end of that. Besides, the war was getting worse at that point..."
"Wait, if it was a weekend fling, how did you know?" Remus asked.
"Sometimes you just do," Sirius said. "If it hadn't been for Quidditch... or the Order.. I thought about that a lot in Azkaban, never knew whether it was a happy memory or a sad one..."
The thought of Azkaban sobered Sirius considerably.
"Rotten Dementors," he muttered. "Can't imagine what Sturgis is going to do, he can't even become a dog."
"They're bound to clear out of there one of these days anyhow," Tonks said lightly.
"Yeah, and I'm sure the Dementors'll be happy to let Sturgis be," Remus blurted.
Sirius looked miserable, and Tonks was glaring at him now.
"You two enjoy your game," Remus said, sensing maybe he wasn't in the right mood. "I need to read up on some... things..."
Remus made for the parlor, but was barely out of the kitchen when he heard "oy! Not so fast!"
Remus turned around; Tonks was storming up to him.
"What's gotten into you?" She demanded.
"Into me? Does any of this even matter to you?"
"What are you talking about?"
"Ever since the war started, all you've done is act like nothing's wrong!" Remus exclaimed. "I'm not entirely sure you understand the urgency here!"
Remus instantly regretted his words; Tonks's scowl turned into fury, then into a strange, hollow look. She resembled her cousin very much now.
"You know how I first learned about Azkaban?" Tonks asked. "I mean, really learned about it? When Sirius went to Azkaban. I lost my cousin to that damned place, and to be honest, I don't reckon he ever really escaped I try so hard to bring that part of him out, but just when I think I have, something locks him back in. Your mood tonight sure hasn't helped. Then there's my parents I and I - Mum's a blood traitor, Dad's a Muggleborn, I'm a freaky Metamorphmagus. Death Eaters love us. Well, they love me anyway, I could be anyone they wanted me to be with an Imperius curse. As for my parents, well, I can't even think about what they'd do to them. Have I mentioned in my most natural form, if you look closely, I bear a striking resemblance to Bellatrix Lestrange?"
Tonks had never mentioned any of those things before.
"I understand," Remus said. "It's just - you didn't fight the first time...."
"Just because I didn't fight doesn't mean I didn't live it!" Tonks burst. "Mum crying reading the newspaper, not letting me dare look at it, not even being allowed to play outside alone, having all these secret codes I had to memorize, going to school with people who'd lost siblings and parents and wouldn't say why...you really think I never noticed any of it? I noticed far more than anyone wanted to believe, and I thought you, of all people, knew that!"
Tonks was on the verge of tears now, but when Remus made to apologize, she kept talking. "So I'm sorry if I act too happy. I'm sorry if when one of my friends ends up in Azkaban, and I can see it's almost literally tearing someone I love apart, I decide to try making things light. It's not because I'm stupid. It's because I believe you have to keep going, you have to keep living, because who knows what'll happen if you stop? There's no room to wallow, it'll make you go mad. I know you know that. You've told me the places you've been. Where would you rather be, there where the monsters lurk? Or in the kitchen playing a stupid card game?"
Remus realized he'd underestimated the woman he was now certain he loved.
"I'm sorry," he said. "I should have known."
"Yeah, you should've."
Remus realized if he didn't do it now, he never would. He wasn't sure it would make it better - it could make things that much worse.
But something she'd said had struck a chord, and he knew he had to. So Remus ignored all of his inhibitions, all the reasons he didn't want to, and kissed her.
Tonks kissed him back, and then hugged him, holding him close. He took in the feeling of her head on his chest, the smell of her hair, the warmth of her...
"This works too," Tonks said softly. Remus laughed.
"Yes," he said, "it does."
Tonks pulled away slowly. "I love you, you know. But I hope you don't think I'm stupid."
"I love you too. And I don't. You've just proven to me that you're wise beyond your years. Not that I ever doubted you were smart-"
"Shh," Tonks whispered, putting her finger on his lips. "Let's continue the game, before Sirius starts playing without us."
Remus took her hand, leading her to the game this time.
He didn't like not having a plan, being spontaneous, ignoring the real problem with jokes and games. But wasn't that how he'd survived before? Why was he so determined to escape it? Wasn't she right?
Things were only going to get worse. There was nothing to do but to take in the warmth of the woman you loved, the laughter of an old friend you thought you'd lost forever in so many ways.
It was all he had left. All any of them had left.