Comments | rswndrlst: LJ Idol 10: Week 15: Patchwork Heart

rswndrlst

LJ Idol 10: Week 15: Patchwork Heart

Apr 18, 2017 19:02

Intersubjectivity
She shoulders her laptop bag and steps into the aisle joining the off boarding line.

When she makes it to the side of the bus she retrieves her pack, checking to be sure Mimzy her stuffed traveling companion is secured to the side, before hoisting the large pack up onto her shoulder and following the crowd into the passenger waiting ( Read more... )

hey remember that time, ljidol, experimental fiction, geek out

Comments 21

eternal_ot April 19 2017, 07:24:58 UTC

Wow! I love what you did with the previous season's prompts.This was very engaging and the image in the end made me smile. Clever use of the prompt. Well done indeed!

rswndrlst April 20 2017, 17:28:42 UTC

Thank you so much! I felt like this was one those stories that needed to be told and something about thlis week's prompt made it feel like the right time. I am so glad it worked for you!

i_17bingo April 19 2017, 13:32:33 UTC

This was intriguing. I have a lot of questions about this world and the game they're playing, which is the point, I think.

rswndrlst April 20 2017, 17:31:40 UTC

Ha, yes, I am not quite sure about the rules either but I have enjoyed playing along with them.

rayaso April 20 2017, 00:05:41 UTC

I would really like to know more about the world and the game, which is good! I love the merging of the game with real life. Very creative!

rswndrlst April 20 2017, 17:36:12 UTC

I'm so relieved other people have enjoyed reading this one because it was one of those times where it made sense to me in my head but when I wrote it down I wasn't sure if anyone would "get it"

Thank you!

bleodswean April 20 2017, 00:34:54 UTC

THIS is AMAZING. And I think....you've got something here worth exploring. Maybe not in long form, but in a collection of shorts. It's very strong in both character and story, but more than that, it's intriguing in such a modern-techy way and leaves the reader worldspinning and wanting more.

(Pay attention to your POVs and consider whose head you want to be in. Perhaps keep it to one POV per story...rather than fitting both in a single piece?)

Keep going!

rswndrlst April 20 2017, 19:48:16 UTC

Gosh this comment means everything to me rn!

Thank you! I deeply appreciate the crit, I'm a grammar nut but I struggle with tense and pov especially in a piece like this with characters who both want to comment on the action. I need to study some more and an editor ^.^

Thanks again for the encouragement!!

marlawentmad April 20 2017, 21:32:54 UTC

This is such a great interaction; you caught it so cleverly!

rswndrlst April 22 2017, 02:24:20 UTC

thank you so much!