A Cost For A Cause - Chapter 12
[ITW]Title: A Cost For A Cause
Rating: NC-17 (Language, Violence)
Genre: AU/Humor/Romance
Length: Chaptered
Pairing(s): Yekyu
Summary: There are so many different ways to solve one problem and there are so many questions that are left unasked or unanswered. Then, just when things are seeming to clear up a bit, they realize they can't really be certain of anything anymore. Not even of themselves.
A/N: Song I referred to in this chapter is "Toy Boy" by MIKA. Awesome song, awesome singer; enough said. ^^
Yesung woke up to the tune of a warm, thick, almost fluidic voice. He had no intention of waking up anytime soon, but the voice drew him from his slumber and cleared his mind; lingering somewhere between his ears and his chest, his beating heart.
“I'm a wind-up toy in an up-down world, if you leave me all alone I'll make a mess for sure...”
The words didn't quite make sense to Yesung, they were in a foreign language after all, but the rhythm of the song was light and Kyuhyun's voice was gentle - so gentle.
“I've a heart of gold in the smallest size; leave me in the dark, you'll never hear me cry...”
Glancing to the clock on the far end of his hotel table and finding himself stumbling over a double take, Yesung pulled the blankets over his head and shifted onto his side, facing away from Kyuhyun.
Kyuhyun bit his cheek, watching Yesung fidget around on the bed but refusing the wake up. He rose his voice, just slightly, as he placed more emphasis on certain lyrics in the song.
“But your mama thought there was somethin' wrong, didn't want you sleepin' with a boy too long. It's a serious thing, in a grown-up world; maybe you'd be better with a Barbie girl.”
Yesung flung his comforter off and sat up, glaring at the younger boy. “You're doing this on purpose,” he accused, ruffling his already messy hair, “it's freaking eight in the morning, Kyuhyun, why are you even up?!”
There was a moment of silence; not the type where you lower your head to give your respects to a dead one, though this was no less awkward than that. Yesung wasn't enjoying this silence and, truth be told, he didn't feel like asking if Kyuhyun was alright with it because he knew Kyuhyun would have something unpleasant to say.
“I got a phone call from a... a good friend,” Kyuhyun finally broke the silence, “he works with Henry and I in the states. You know how Kibum said someone was breaking down your house while searching for me? Yeah, that was him.”
Yesung rose a brow and stared at him. “Okay.”
Kyuhyun sighed. “Things are complicated between us.”
Yesung blinked at him slowly. “Okay.”
“Don't you have anything else to say other than 'okay'?” Kyuhyun pouted.
“Well, what do you expect me to say?” Yesung laughed. “I'm not your mom. Those are your friends, not mines. I don't even know this friend of yours, Kyuhyun, so there's really not much I can say.”
Kyuhyun slumped his shoulders. “Fine.”
This boy is seriously a pain in the rear, Yesung shook his head slightly. “It's not hard to realize that he's probably either a potential lover or an ex-lover,” Yesung yawned, giving in to the boy like he always did, “and you said you came to South Korea because you wanted to breath, to get away, so, I'm assuming you were running from him and it wasn't entirely because of all your lunatic fans you claimed to be escaping from.”
“I knew you were a doctor for a reason,” Kyuhyun grinned smugly, “you have a good head on that neck of yours.”
Yesung rolled his eyes. “Yeah, and if I don't get some good sleep soon, it might just fall off of this neck of mines.” He stretched his arms and slid back into the bed comfortably, pulling the blankets right under his chin. “So, how long are you planning on hiding from him?”
“You actually just want to know how long I'll be sticking to you, don't you?” Kyuhyun challenged.
Yesung shrugged, closing his eyes. “You can't hide from him for forever. Plus, he sounds very determined to find you. I mean, he made Henry break down in the process of scouting you out.”
Kyuhyun nodded in agreement. “He's... definitely a character.”
“You don't sound too romantically inclined to him,” Yesung said bluntly, “then why not just tell him straight out? It sucks to leave people hanging, you know.”
“You would know,” Kyuhyun retorted.
Yesung shivered visibly and, for a second, Kyuhyun wondered if it was because of the cold or if there were other reasons. He decided against actually asking. A moment later, Yesung shifted under the sheets and looked Kyuhyun in the eye. “I would know.”
Kyuhyun broke their eye contact, looking down at his empty hands.
“Don't feel bad,” Yesung said, turning to face the wall with his back to Kyuhyun, “there's nothing for you to feel bad about. You didn't say anything wrong.”
It wasn't a good feeling, to be treated like a seven year old. Kyuhyun frowned and walked over to Yesung's bed, crawling under the blankets with the older man. “I'm not sorry,” Kyuhyun said through pursed lips, “I just didn't know what else to say.”
“What are you doing?!” Yesung growled, turning and trying to push Kyuhyun away.
Kyuhyun smirked, staring down at Yesung. “If you're going to treat me like a seven year old, I might as well act like one. There's no point in not taking advantage of a situation that is completely benefiting to me, is there?”
“Is that what they teach you in the entertainment industry?” Yesung scowled, narrowing his eyes at the younger boy. “To take advantage of other people?”
“Only of people who like us,” Kyuhyun grinned.
Yesung shook his head and turned back to the wall. Kyuhyun could be annoying, that much was certain, but this new found warmth wasn't as vexatious as Yesung had expected it to be. They laid like that, Kyuhyun's face right against the nape of Yesung's neck. The older man could feel each exhalation of heated breath from the younger boy against his skin; it was actually a bit soothing.
It was quite surprising, the way Kyuhyun curled into a ball as he drifted off to sleep. Yesung felt the boy's knees against his back - which, mind him, was a bit uncomfortable - and Kyuhyun's forehead slowly leaned harder against his spine.
“Your sleeping position can say a lot about you,” Yesung remembers Heechul saying, “it's an unconscious battle the body fights with the mind. People like you, who wrap themselves in their blankets as suffocatingly horribly as they can, fear exposure of their weaknesses. People who sleep in the fetus position try to put up a tough exterior but are very sensitive and suspicious of others.”
As gently as he could, Yesung flopped over to face Kyuhyun. The serene expression on the boys face was almost angelic; his features softened and his breaths were so leveled and calm that Yesung almost doubted he was really breathing.
Then, there was the urge to run his fingers over Kyuhyun's smooth cheeks. They were the same cheeks that Yesung had seen in the snow, when the droplets floated about the boy as if he attracted them to himself. Even in the proximity of this hotel room, Kyuhyun was still glowing.
Instead of feeling the texture of the boys cheeks, however, Yesung resorted to brushing stray strands of hair out of the young man's face.
Yesung was envious; envious of how at peace Kyuhyun seemed to be in his rest.
“If you're such a cynical person, like psychology claims you to be, then why do you choose to trust a person like me?” Yesung whispered, his voice low and husky. “It just doesn't make sense to me; the account of care and belief you have for me.”
Kyuhyun stirred slightly in his sleep, his brows furrowing as Yesung cradled Kyuhyun's temple affectionately.
Yesung leaned in, just that little bit closer, to Kyuhyun's face when the boy settled in his new position. “You're an odd one, you know that? Slowly working your way into other people's life without a second thought or any hesitation.”
After smiling to himself, Yesung removed his hand and Kyuhyun's lips curved into a small frown at the sudden loss of warmth. Shaking his head, Yesung leaned in and closed the last bit of distance between them, kissing the boy on his forehead softly.
You'll have to face him sooner or later, Yesung thought while fixing himself into a comfortable position in the bed with the blanket wrapped tightly around him, in this case, better sooner than later.
-
“Min, I'm really not in the mood for this.”
Kyuhyun rubbed his eyes to the light of the room. He wondered what time it was because, as he peeked over towards the blinds of the window, it seemed pitch black outside. His stomach growled quietly.
“I know you mean the best for me, Min, but we can't keep going on like this.”
The familiar nickname alarmed Kyuhyun. Sitting into upright position, he found Yesung propped on his bed with his eyes fixed on a paper in his hands. Yesung suddenly looked up and found Kyuhyun gazing at him blankly, with a sleepy expression, and chuckled.
“No, I'm not laughing at you,” Yesung shook his head. “Hey, Min, have you ever thought about introducing Heesook to us?”
Kyuhyun tilted his head, leaning back against the wall, as he listened to their conversation.
“Not even to me?” Yesung asked. “Oh, of course, of all the people I'm probably the last you'd want to introduce her to.” There was a long pause and Yesung looked as if he was being lectured by the small voice over the phone. A moment later, Yesung scoffed. “I'm not giving you a hard time, Min. You're the most important person in the world to me, why would I ever do something like that?”
There was a tight squeeze in Kyuhyun's chest.
“No, I'm not romancing you,” Yesung rolled his eyes.
Was this any different from speaking to a lover? Kyuhyun wondered.
Standing from the bed, Kyuhyun disappeared into the bathroom and cleaned himself up. Sungmin, as sensitive as he was, heard the shower in the background.
“Are you still with your cousin?” Sungmin asked.
“Yeah,” Yesung replied honestly.
Sungmin laughed weakly. “You didn't even try to hide it.”
“There's nothing to hide,” Yesung shrugged, “it's not like there's anything between us.”
Sungmin bit on his cheek. “You're right.”
“I didn't mean us,” Yesung immediately explained, “I meant Kyuhyun and I.”
Sungmin shook his head. “No, you're right. There's nothing between us, as well, right? You told me before; I'm a married man. What more could I ask of you?”
“Is something wrong?” Yesung asked. Sungmin was being completely different today and, although in some ways it was a nice change, it worried Yesung.
“Heesook...” Sungmin trailed off, his voice getting softer, “Heesook... she's pregnant.”
Literally, Yesung felt something in his chest drop. He didn't know if it was his heart, or maybe his lungs, or maybe it was just the flow of his oxygen getting caught then suddenly released but it kind of hurt. Just a little bit.
“I wasn't going to tell you,” Sungmin laughed, “but maybe this is all I can do for you now; stop lying, I mean.”
It was hard for Yesung's usually quick-witted mind to form any words.
“I love it when I make you speechless,” Sungmin added awkwardly, “I'm going to be a father, Woonnie, she's going to give life to a baby that runs my blood.”
Yesung furrowed his brows, looking down at his paper again. “You sound worried, Min.”
“You're not happy for me, are you?” Sungmin asked.
“It's-” Yesung paused, clutching his chest with a fist, “that's not it.”
“Then what is it, Jongwoon?” Sungmin continued.
Yesung heard the bathroom door open and glanced towards Kyuhyun. He instantly turned away, only now noticing the hot tears pouring from his eyes. He had no idea how he managed to maintain his voice while he replied to the man over the cellular. “I just don't think you're ready to be a parent yet. You're still so young and there's so much you haven't done.”
Kyuhyun dried his hair with the towel. Emotions were conflicting within him; on one hand he wanted to hold Yesung and throw the phone out the window, on the other he wanted to see how this conversation would advance. The older man probably wasn't aware, but he could hear every word they had spoken nice and clear in the shower.
“You don't think I'd raise him right,” was Sungmin's reply.
Yesung hesitated a moment before affirming Sungmin's assumption. “I don't, at least not now.”
“You're probably right,” Sungmin chuckled, “you always are.”
Realization struck Yesung. “That's what you're worried about, too, right? Tell me you aren't thinking about aborting the baby, Min. Tell me you have at least that much sympathy left in you; that you wont break your wife like you did me.”
“I won't,” Sungmin reassured, “I couldn't, not to Heeso-” Sungmin paused, unsure why those words were his reply because, obviously, he couldn't really care that much for her, could he? He swore to himself he wouldn't love, he swore he would always stay apathetic to everyone.
A bitter smile curved Yesung's lips. “Don't be afraid to admit it, Min.” As hard as those words were for Yesung to say, he knew he had to say them. “Don't be afraid to admit you've fallen in love.”
“I have to go,” Sungmin said in a rush, “I'll call you again later.”
Before Yesung could reply, Sungmin hung up.
Yesung sighed. “You have horrible timing,” he said, wiping the tear streaks from his face, “very bad timing; so bad, in fact, that you make me feel like shit.”
“Don't place the blame on me,” Kyuhyun frowned, taking a seat beside the older man.
Yesung laughed. “You're right, it's not your fault. It's not your fault that he never really loved me, it's not your fault that he fell in love with a woman, it's not your fault he's actually building his own family, and it's not your fault I'm such a useless fool that fell for someone I knew wouldn't love me back the way I needed.”
“Then why don't you choose to love someone that will?” Kyuhyun asked, turning to face him.
Yesung kept his eyes glued to the floor, afraid to listen to whatever Kyuhyun had left to say. “You're hungry, right? Let me wash up a bit and we'll grab some dinner.” Only when he stood did he realize how weak in the legs he was at the moment, his knees bucking under him.
Kyuhyun reached out, grabbing Yesung by the arm and preventing him from stepping away. “Are you afraid?”
“What's there to be scared of?” Yesung asked through gritted teeth. He slid his eyes out of the window, looking at the city buildings and lights. “There's nothing I have to fear anymore, knowing there's no chance at all for the one man I love to come to me again. I'm invincible now.”
“You're broken,” Kyuhyun analyzed, biting down on his lip.
Yesung looked down at the boy, his eyes stinging in pain. “You're really asking for it,” he growled, holding a hand over Kyuhyun's. “I swear, if you don't let go of me now, I won't be sorry for whatever I end up doing to you.”
“You're angry,” Kyuhyun frowned, “you can't see me.”
Tightening his grasp on Kyuhyun's hand, until both their hands whitened at the knuckles, Yesung glared at the younger man intently. “I told you to let go,” he repeated, emphasizing the words with his tone. Kyuhyun simply gazed up at him unaffectedly. “Kyuhyun, I'm warning you one last time-”
“Do whatever you want,” Kyuhyun interrupted, throwing his towel to the ground frustratedly, “I'm not letting you face this pain alone.”
And, if angels really did exist, Yesung really wished that this boy sitting before him was an angel.
“There's only one way you know to get rid of your pain,” Kyuhyun sternly replied, “if it will save you, if it can help you, then do it.”
Yesung leaned over, their lips achingly close, as he forced Kyuhyun's hand to rest over his own heart. “You're trying to act as Sungmin's replacement.”
“I don't mind being a replacement,” Kyuhyun said, reaching up with his free hand and cradling the older man's face. “As long as it eases your suffering. I told you I'd always be here for you and I meant it. I'll do anything; anything that can help you.”
“Can you feel your own heartbeat?” Yesung asked.
Kyuhyun blinked up at him, nodding slightly.
“You can't lie to yourself, Kyuhyun,” Yesung shook his head, his brows furrowed, “you don't want to be a replacement, no one does.”
“I-”
Yesung flung Kyuhyun's hand to the side, straightening himself out. “This conversation is done. I'm not going to take you, Kyuhyun, our relationship isn't like that. I'm not going to let you act as a replacement and you're not just a toy, I'm not just going to play with you. You deserve more than that.”
Silence ensued, each passing second weighing heavier on Kyuhyun's mind.
“You deserve more than me.”
With that, Yesung made his way towards the bathroom and locked the door behind him. Kyuhyun stayed on the bed, not sure what he had just done. I made a mess, that's for sure, he thought, raking his hand through his hair. How do I fix this one?
His irrationality had gotten the best of him; he acted and reacted before he could even think. He cared about Yesung, that didn't need to be doubted, but something was screaming at him; something much, much stronger than just care.
His own question towards Yesung repeated in his mind. “Then why don't you choose to love someone that will?”
Kyuhyun glanced into the mirror, staring at his own reflection.
“Would I?”
Chapter 11 | Chapter 13
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A/N #2: I wasn't planning on updating today. Heck, I didn't even expect myself to get anywhere near finishing and polishing this chapter before Wednesday... but when the Muse hits me, she hits me hard and when I'm in the mood for editing, I've learned to grab onto it like no tomorrow because it doesn't come often. -_-; Anyhow, hope you all liked this chapter!! :)