Fic: The Great Gryffindor Dating Game for adriositiense (part one of two)
Title: The Great Gryffindor Dating Game (No Money Back, No Guarantee, Accept No Imitations)
Author/Artist: shaggydogstail
Recipient: adriositiense
Rating:PG-13
Contents or warnings (highlight to view): None
Word count:12 623
Summary: Sirius likes Remus. Remus likes Sirius. Their friends are supportive. Christmas is coming and romance is in the air. So it should be a simple matter for them to get together, right?
Except that maybe their friends are a bit too supportive and that’s where the trouble started. What with the pretend dating, the mistletoe, the sleigh rides and say, what’s in this drink? Oh, and the fairly extensive gambling ring. It’ll take more than goodwill and glitter to sort this one out.
Notes: Thanks to chocolatepot for the beta job. Any remaining errors are mine.
First off, James Potter would like it to be known that none of this is his fault. He was TRYING to help, not that he gets any thanks for it from those ungrateful bastards.
James prided himself on being a top-notch best mate and one of the country’s leading experts on love, so it was no surprise that Sirius had turned to him for help when he set out to win the heart of one Remus Lupin. He spent many hours plotting and conspiring, proof-reading poetry, constructing exploding glitter bombs, and offering rousing pep-talks whenever it seemed that Sirius’ nerve might be about to fail him.
‘Padfoot, it’s perfect!’ James applauded wildly as Sirius completed the final dress rehearsal of his short dramatic presentation on the theme of How Much I Fancy You, Moony, and Why You Should Definitely Go Out With Me Starting Now.
‘Are you sure?’ asked Sirius, for approximately the five billionth time. He kept having doubts about the wisdom of James’s seduction tips, for some inexplicable reason.
‘There’s no way he’ll be able to resist,’ James assured him. He had to remove his glasses to wipe a tear. ‘I’m actually a little bit in love with you myself now.’
‘Cheers.’ Sirius grinned. ‘So if Moony does turn me down, I’ll just have to fight Lily for you.’
‘Well, you can try.’
What they’d overlooked, perhaps, was Remus wasn’t quite as, well, showy as James, and thus the Potter-approved seduction technique (based on loud, public declarations of affection, dramatic gestures and, yes, glitter explosions) was unlikely to impress. In fact, far from impressing Moony Sirius asking him out had rendered him, by turn, horrified, embarrassed, avoidant and actually quite cross. For some reason he seemed to think that Sirius was, as he put it, “taking the piss, fucking typical, wanker,” and refused to discuss the matter further.
Sirius, of course, was plunged into an unending pit of despair and had spent the days since gazing out of windows, sighing disconsolately and muttering about how he would never know happiness again.
James was running out of ideas about what to do with him, he really was.
#
Lily Evans would like to point out that she is in no way responsible for her idiot boyfriend and his ridiculous friends, but quite frankly someone has to Do Something and it might as well be her.
Lily was a busy woman, she didn’t have time for shenanigans. Seventh year meant N.E.W.T.s, so there was plenty of work to do, plus she was Head Girl, and James… well, James had turned out to be a much more pleasant distraction than she’d imagined, but still. He was very distracting, with his stupid snitch and his hair and his “of course I’ll help” which actually meant “let’s do no work and spend the rest of the evening snogging” and and…
Damnit.
On top of which she had the Midwinter Fayre to organise - no easy task, given that she’d never even attended one before, since they were only held at Hogwarts every 47 years. (Why every 47 years, Lily couldn’t fathom, but since magical folk had 29 knuts to the sickle, 17 sickles to the galleon and had palpitations at the mere mention of the metric system she supposed she should’ve known better than to expect it to make any sense.)
She really couldn’t be doing with Sirius skulking around the Common Room, looking like a puppy that’d been shut out in the rain, nor even Remus answering her every enquiry with a clipped ‘I’m fine’ in a tone that suggested he could only be less fine if someone actually set him on fire.
Although… maybe the solution to her problems was staring her right in the face. Nothing was quite so romantic and magical as Christmas, and the Midwinter Fayre would surely make it even more so. Even those two fuckwits couldn’t fail to get it together with all that mistletoe flying about.
‘Yes, but we have to get them both there first,’ James pointed out. ‘And together. Right now, they’re barely talking.’
‘Well, the way Sirius is carrying on he’d probably be up for an extra-curricular lecture from Professor Binns on the development of cleaning spells through the eighteenth century if he thought it might score him a date with Remus,’ said Lily. ‘So it’s Remus we need to work on: what is his problem?’
‘I think,’ said James, ‘he may not have taken Padfoot’s, um, offer entirely seriously.’
‘I can’t imagine why,’ said Lily, rolling her eyes. ‘Nothing says sincerity like conjuring enchanted butterflies to follow the object of your desires around the tower.’
‘The singing gnomes may well have been a mistake,’ conceded James. He looked very downhearted. ‘Moony seems to think the whole thing was one big joke.’
And that was when inspiration finally struck.
‘That’s it!’ said Lily, jumping up and upsetting her books all over the floor, scaring the ice mice out of Marlene’s cat, which had been sleeping beneath the table. ‘If he thinks it’s a joke then… let him. Get Remus to go along with a pretend date with Sirius and then when the big day comes… well, the fairy lights, the mistletoe, the mulled wine, all that romantic atmosphere… things can just take care of themselves.’
‘That’s…’ James scratched his head. It messed his hair up in an annoyingly sexy way. ‘No offence, Lils, but that sounds kind of mental. Sirius already tried asking Remus out, it didn’t work.’
Lily rolled her eyes. Merlin’s pants, she really did have to think of everything, didn’t she?
‘Sirius being honest - albeit in his own theatrical and demented manner - didn’t work because Remus didn’t believe he was for real,’ explained Lily patiently.
‘You think it’s one of his self-esteem things?’ asked James.
‘More than likely.’ Lily rolled her eyes. ‘The great wet haddock.’
‘Harsh,’ muttered James.
‘Wet,’ repeated Lily firmly. ‘Haddock.’
‘Yeah, don’t let Padfoot hear you talking about him like that,’ said James. ‘He’ll fight you.’
‘Worth bearing in mind as Plan B,’ mused Lily. ‘I insult Remus, provoking Sirius into duelling me for his honour, Remus gets carried away with the romance of the thing and swoons - ’
‘ - Moony and I spend the rest of the term in the Hospital Wing overcoming the inevitable mental trauma,’ James interrupted. ‘Honestly, I wish you and Padfoot would stop joking about fighting each other.’
‘Never!’ Lily grinned. ‘We know how much it both terrifies and arouses you.’
The top of James’s ears went terribly pink. It was adorable.
‘So, you’ll talk to them?’ asked Lily.
‘Anything for you, sweetness,’ said James. Lily could tell he was humouring her, but resolved to press on regardless.
‘I know just the person to help as well,’ said Lily. ‘C’mon, darling, battle stations!’
‘OK, only,’ James mused thoughtfully. ‘We are sure this is about Moony being ridiculous, right? I mean, maybe he just doesn’t fancy Padfoot.’
‘Don’t be ridiculous,’ said Lily, gathering her books back up off the floor. ‘Everyone fancies Sirius.’
‘Yeah, I suppose…’ James began as he stowed his own Charms homework back in his bag. ‘HEY! -’
#
Marlene McKinnon never asked for ANY of this, and would very much prefer to be left out of it in future thankyouverymuch.
The Gryffindor Common Room was unusually quiet. Marlene suspected it might be down to certain loud people being enmeshed in the dramas of love, and too busy either moping or sucking face to start fights, raise ruckuses and generally cause a disruption of the peace. It was rather lovely, actually, and Marlene was enjoying the chance to relax by the fire with Dorcas snuggled up beside her, all cosy and snug, with the soft curls of Dorcas’ hair pleasantly not-quite-tickly on her neck.
Marlene was very nearly dozing off when her peace was shattered when the Head Boy and Girl barrelled down the stairs from the boys’ dorms and charged towards her and Dorcas, like an unstoppable Duo of Chaos and Vociferously Expressed Opinions.
‘Potter, Evans,’ she said, as Lily landed on the sofa beside her and James parked himself on the coffee table. ‘So good to see you both with your mouths detached. To what do I owe the pleasure?’
‘We need your help,’ said Lily, ‘with Sirius.’
‘And romance,’ added James.
‘I knew it!’ Dorcas was suddenly very awake, sitting upright and digging through her pockets. ‘Where did I put my notebook?’
‘Give it up, honey, you lost,’ said Marlene. ‘Black practically proposed marriage to Lupin in this very room only a week ago.’
‘Yes, I’m still washing glitter out of my ears,’ tutted Dorcas. ‘But Lupin turned him down, didn’t he? And Black’s all morose so someone is going to have to kiss him better. Or perhaps two someones.’
She fixed James and then Lily with a very significant stare.
‘What?’ Lily crinkled her nose, confused. Oh, bless her innocent heart.
‘Dorcas thinks that you, Potter, and Black are destined for a threesomely union of love and ferociousness,’ Marlene explained patiently.
‘No!’ said James firmly, pointing at Marlene and Dorcas in turn before turning to Lily and repeating, more loudly, ‘No!’
Lily opened her mouth to speak.
‘NO!’ said James, a little shrilly. Lily closed her mouth and sat back.
‘Don’t let’s be hasty,’ said Dorcas, ‘This could be a very profitable outcome.’
‘I agree with James,’ said Lily. ‘No. And also, we really do need your help, Marlene.’
‘Why me?’
‘Well, you’ve been out with Sirius,’ said Lily.
‘Um, that was years ago,’ said Marlene. ‘And anyway, we weren’t really dating: I just pretended to be going out with Black so that no-one would find out I was really sneaking out to meet the cute girl who helped out at Gladrags.’
‘All the better,’ said James. ‘We want Sirius to agree to a fake date anyway.’
‘I…’ Marlene pinched the bridge of her nose. ‘Never mind, I don’t actually want to know.’
‘Well I do,’ said Dorcas. ‘Are you trying to game my gambling ring?’
‘The very idea,’ muttered Lily. ‘That would be unethical.’
‘I would never interfere with the noble art of bookmaking,’ said James in the gravest tones. ‘I just need to know how to convince Sirius to pretend to go out with someone. Why did he pretend to go out with you?’
‘Well, maybe he understood that I was feeling kinda vulnerable and a bit frightened about being outed before I was ready,’ said Marlene. ‘He probably just agreed to help me out of the goodness of his heart.’
‘Yes,’ said James firmly, once the general hilarity had subsided. ‘I expect that’s exactly it.’
Lily leant across the sofa and squeezed James’s knee. ‘Your loyalty is adorable,’ she said. Lily would probably brutally murder anyone who pointed it out, but she was definitely fluttering her eyelashes.
‘Well, yes,’ said Marlene slowly, unwilling to be drawn into any more conversation about the matter than strictly necessary. ‘Whatever he was up to when he was supposed to be going out with me, I assumed you’d be the one to know.’
‘He never did tell me.’ James shook his head. ‘Ooh, you don’t suppose he was sneaking off with other boys do you?’
That made Dorcas snap right back to attention again, and she turned with all the fierceness of Filch spotting an Ickle Firstie with dungbombs falling out of their pockets.
‘Does the idea of Black sneaking off with other boys make you jealous, Potter?’ she demanded. ‘How about you, Evans? He is quite unruly, it might take the both of you to keep him in line.’
‘No!’ said James firmly. ‘No. Settle down, Meadowes.’
‘Well if you will get all possessive…’
‘Don’t be ridiculous, I’m trying to help Sirius!’ James pouted. ‘I want him to have a nice boyfriend.’
‘Provided you’ve vetted him properly first,’ teased Marlene.
‘Well, naturally,’ said James, in a tone which suggested he believed he was being completely normal and reasonable. ‘I’ve satisfied myself that Remus is good enough for Sirius. And vice-versa, of course. That’s why I want them to go on a pretend date.’
‘I’m going to regret asking this,’ said Marlene, ‘but why a pretend date?’
‘Interim measure,’ explained Lily. ‘You know what happens when people have to pretend to be going out together.’
Marlene didn’t know, actually, but she had a horrible feeling she was about to find out.
‘Love!’ announced James triumphantly.
‘It’s like the “fake it till you make it” thing,’ added Lily.
Marlene wondered if she was the only person who didn’t understand what in Godric’s codpiece they were twittering on about. She looked at Dorcas quizzically.
‘Straight girl thing,’ whispered Dorcas. Neither Lily nor James seemed to notice.
‘Don’t you ever read the short stories in Just Enchanted?’ said Lily. ‘Whenever two people pretend to be in a relationship - or even married - they always end up together.’
‘There are whole novels about it,’ added James.
‘Yeah, tiny problem,’ said Marlene. ‘Like you said, I pretended to go out with Black and he and I aren’t planning on eloping any time soon.’
‘I can’t believe I’m defending these two maniacs,’ said Dorcas. ‘But you and Black are both extraordinarily gay.’
Marlene had to concede the point.
‘Maybe fake-dating Sirius makes people gay?’ suggested James hopefully.
‘Maybe it just gives them a taste for minge,’ countered Dorcas.
‘He can be quite a colossal twat,’ mused Marlene. ‘But no. This is all inane, don’t you realise? If you actually want to help Black and Lupin sort out their relationship drama, why don’t you actually try talking to them instead of madcap plotting? You’re their friends, surely you could get them to sit down and have an honest conversation about their feelings.’
Lily and James exchanged sceptical looks.
‘That’ll never work,’ they chorused.
Marlene despaired, she really did.
#
Sirius Black supposes he should’ve known better than to listen to that wanker, James Potter, in the first place and it’s probably all his own fault that he’s going to die alone and unloved.
Sirius was brilliant at most things, but there were a few things he really wasn’t good at at all. Being in the same room as Slytherins and not hexing any of them, for one. Resisting the temptation to make dirty jokes when Professor Flitwick started lecturing them about wand movements, for another. Staying out of trouble generally, to be honest.
And coping with rejection most of all.
Ever since The Incident (the one with the glitter and humiliation and Remus turning him down in front of the entire fucking House) Sirius had been somewhat less than his usual self. He was so quiet in class that twice in the past week Professor McGonagall had asked if he’d like to be excused to go to the Hospital Wing so that Madam Pomfrey could check him over. Hamble, the head elf in the kitchen, had been so concerned about his lack of appetite that she’d baked his favourite coconut cake, and was said to have been close to tears when she heard he’d barely tasted it. Snape spent ten minutes gloating about the Slytherin Quidditch team’s recent victory while they were waiting to go in to Potions; Sirius barely noticed. He spent so long wandering around the castle with a face like a wet weekend that even Regulus came up to ask him if he was all right, and Sirius just sort of sniffed a bit, instead of telling him to fuck right off in the proper manner.
Everything was awful and miserable and Sirius ached. The worst part - well, one of several worst parts, really, along with the humiliation and the heartbreak and the prospect of dying alone with only Prongs and Wormtail to mourn his passing - was that Moony didn’t even seem to want to be friends with him anymore. Whenever some blushing half-wit had asked Sirius out, it’d always been Moony who’d encouraged him to let them down gently, but apparently Sirius himself wasn’t worthy of the consideration given to swooning Hufflepuffs, because Remus had not been gentle at all when letting him down, and had largely avoided Sirius ever since.
Until James frog-marched him into the dormitory, more or less at wand-point, on a dull and dreary Saturday afternoon, that was. Sirius had been lying on his bed, glaring at the curtains, while Wormtail attempted to cheer him up with some long-winded tale about a couple of Slytherin sixth-years, a misplaced Orchideous spell, and a Venomous Tentacula. (Sirius wasn’t really listening; he was mostly thinking about the freckles on Remus’ nose and how it was a great injustice that he’d never get to kiss them.)
‘Right, listen up, you gits,’ said James, self-importantly. Peter sat up very straight, gazing at James with rapt attention. Remus muttered and flopped down on the end of his own bed; Sirius tried not to stare at him too plaintively.
‘As you know, the Midwinter Fayre is fast approaching, and Lily has been working her arse off to make it the most magical, the most glorious, and the most romantic of all festive festivities. As her loving and ever-attentive boyfriend, I have promised to help.’
‘Wormtail, be a mate and smother me with a pillow,’ said Sirius. ‘I don’t think I can stick even another minute of Prongs’ ramblings.’
‘Wormtail will do no such thing,’ said James. ‘I’ll need you all at the peak of fitness to assist me.’
Well, that was unlikely to happen on account of Sirius being in the throes of dying of a broken heart, but he lacked the strength to argue.
‘What do you want us to do?’ asked Remus wearily.
‘Obviously I’ll expect you all to be there,’ said James. ‘In pairs: like I said, Lily wants this to be romantic.’
‘Wormtail, have mercy,’ pleaded Sirius. ‘Pillow, now, please.’
‘If you don’t quit with the amateur dramatics I’m going to Silence you,’ said James warningly. ‘The Midwinter Fayre will be couples-only. Naturally, I shall be escorted by the prettiest girl in school, the lovely Miss Evans. Wormtail, this is your chance to ask out Susie Parsons - I’ve seen the two of you chatting in Herbology, I reckon you’re well in there. That just leaves Padfoot and Moony.’
Sirius covered his head with a pillow. Peter and James were both without pity, but perhaps he could smother himself?
James, the remorseless bastard, ploughed on relentlessly.
‘Sadly two of our number are terminally single. Padfoot, Moony, you’ll have to go together.’
Remus scowled. ‘I believe I’ve already made my feelings clear on this matter.’
‘Yes, yes, don’t worry, I’m not going to start planning your wedding,’ said James testily. ‘It’s not a real date anyway: the two of you just have to pretend to be going out.’
‘You want me and Moony to go on a fake date?’ asked Sirius, extracting himself from under his pillow. He couldn’t quite believe what he was hearing, and he was used to some pretty monumental bullshit from James.
‘Exactly!’ said James. ‘Just a little bit of harmless play acting. Hold hands, put on a bit of a show, it’ll be a laugh.’
‘Fuck off,’ said Sirius.
‘Aw, c’mon, Pads,’ James wheedled. ‘It’s just a bit of fun.’
‘Oh yeah, humiliating me in public again, how endlessly amusing!’ said Sirius angrily. He looked across at Remus: Remus wasn’t even looking his way, just gazing down at his own shoes looking like he was trying not to be sick. ‘Tell you what, maybe you could even dare him to kiss me. Won’t that be hilarious!’
‘Keep your hair on,’ muttered James. ‘It’s just one evening.’
‘No,’ said Sirius.
‘Yes,’ insisted James. ‘I expect you to be there to support Lily, and to do that you’ll need a date.’
‘Fine, I’ll go with Wormtail,’ said Sirius petulantly.
‘Um, I was actually going to ask - ’ Peter began nervously.
‘Wormtail, are you spurning me?’ demanded Sirius, looming over him menacingly.
Peter swallowed heavily. ‘Um, no?’
‘Right, that’s settled,’ announced Sirius, jumping to his feet. ‘I’ll be there to support you and Lily in your hour of tinsel-fuelled nonsense, with Wormtail at my side.’
‘What about Moony?’ asked James.
‘Try asking someone who gives a shit,’ shouted Sirius, slamming the dormitory door behind him as he went. He charged down the stairs, nearly bumping right into Marlene.
‘Hey, watch - oh,’ Marlene began. Her expression softened into that vaguely sympathetic look that people kept giving him lately. Sirius was really getting tired of it. ‘You OK, Black?’
‘I’m fine!’ announced Sirius loudly, marching across the Common Room. ‘I’m just going to… the owlery. To visit the owls.’
He could actually hear Marlene muttering, ‘completely fucking barking,’ behind him, but was too dejected to hex her even a little bit.
Oh, the agony.
#
Peter Pettigrew blames basically everyone for the whole sorry mess, but it’s obvious he’s going to have to sort it out, even if he is unlikely to get any credit for it, as per usual.
The entirety of Gryffindor House had, in Peter’s opinion, lost their minds. Little wonder he wanted to go out with a nice, quiet Ravenclaw, not that he stood much of a chance with Susie or anyone else if he didn’t wriggle out of this nonsense about dating Sirius. Being constantly overshadowed by Sirius all these years had put enough of a damper on Peter’s dating prospects; allowing potential suitors to fear ending up on the wrong side of Sirius’ wand would condemn Peter to lifelong celibacy. (Only the bravest - or most foolhardy - students so much as smiled at Moony these days.)
‘I take it that things didn’t go too well?’ asked Lily sympathetically. She had joined James and Peter on a kitchen raid, although she was maintaining her Head Girl respectability by calling it an “inspection” and taking the odd break from stuffing her face with pastries to interrogate the house elves about their working conditions.
‘Yeah, I expected trouble from Moony, but Padfoot was worse,’ said James. ‘Not only did he refuse to pretend-date Moony, he’s insisting that Wormtail has to accompany him instead.’
‘Fuck’s sake,’ muttered Lily irritably. ‘I really should’ve known: if you want a plan to go smoothly, kill - or at least Imperio - Sirius first.’
‘Lils, remember what we said about Unforgiveables,’ said James.
‘Yes, yes, I know.’ Lily waved a jam tart (the house elves probably wouldn’t let her leave until she’d eaten at least fifty). ‘I’m sure the Wizengamot would let me off with a short sentence, if I explained it was for his own good.’
‘Probably just a couple of months,’ agreed Peter, possibly a little too enthusiastically. ‘We’ll all come and visit you, of course.’
James shot Peter a very disapproving look. ‘We’re not going to let Lily risk Azkaban just save you from having Padfoot lick you in public.’
Peter privately thought it was worth the risk, but knew better than to mention it to James.
‘Perhaps,’ he offered tentatively, ‘perhaps I should talk to them.’
‘You?’ asked James, somewhat unkindly. It was a bit rich for him to be taking that sort of a tone, considering the damage he’d done.
‘Are you going to be OK with that?’ said Lily, more kindly but no less sceptically. ‘They’re both a bit… volatile right now.’
So, no change there then, at least as far as Sirius was concerned. Honestly, it was like no-one had noticed that Peter had years of experiencing in dealing with emotionally unstable egomaniacs and their never-ending personal dramas, but then James and Lily both seemed to have forgotten the emotional roller-coaster they’d all been forced to ride before they got together.
‘Padfoot needs a bit of time to cool down,’ said Peter. ‘And it’s only a couple of days till full moon - Moony’ll be much more relaxed after. I’ll talk to them then.’
James chomped on a chocolate éclair, apparently deep in thought. ‘That does make a certain amount of sense,’ he admitted. ‘But, no offence, Wormtail, are you sure you want to be the one to do it?’
Peter privately thought it had to be him, as both Remus and Sirius had finally cottoned on that James was Demented and Lily was Nearly As Bad, but of course he wouldn’t have dreamt of saying so.
‘I ought to do something,’ he said. ‘The two of you have got so much on with planning the actual Fayre.’
‘That is a good point,’ mumbled Lily around her fourteenth jam tart. ‘We still haven’t decided about the ice-skating rink.’
‘We should definitely have one,’ said James. ‘I’m just not sure about flooding the Quidditch Pitch for it.’
‘It’s the only space big enough, though.’
‘I just don’t want to damage the pitch!’
‘But you play Quidditch in the air.’
They’d be like this for hours; Peter slipped a pork pie into each pocket and made good his escape.
#
Remus Lupin doesn’t blame anyone really. He just thinks that for someone with so many secrets, he’s awfully bad at keeping them.
Remus woke in late morning, blinking under the cool, bright December sunlight flooding the Hospital Wing. He felt tired and achy, but mostly in a good way. It had been a good full moon - running through the forest, narrowly avoiding a full-on showdown with the centaurs, and pushing each other down hillsides. Blearily, Remus remembered Padfoot falling nose-over-tall into an enormous snow drift, barking and yelping as he had to dig his way out and then -
- Oh, yeah, Padfoot. Remus was suddenly glad that there was no-one around, so he didn’t have to worry that he might be blushing or something. Really, it was all just so embarrassing. Remus was hardly the first person to have developed a bit of a crush on Sirius Black and he’d not be the last, so he really didn’t see why it all had to be such a bit deal.
He’d tried so hard to keep it a secret too. Taken great care not to stare at Sirius or sit too close, studiously averted his eyes every time Sirius did something provocative like licking jam off his fingers, or stretching so far his t-shirt rode up and exposed a tantalising glimpse of skin, or chewed his lips, or bit his fingernails, or or …
Oh, Merlin’s sweaty arsecrack, who was he trying to kid? There were, at a conservative estimate, forty-five thousand things Sirius did every single day that made Remus go all gooey and ridiculous; of course he was bound to notice. It shouldn’t have been a surprise that he’d taken the piss, although the sheer extent of his glitter-fuelled mockery had been worse than Remus had expected; Sirius had a mean sense of humour, sure, but he wasn’t usually so calculatedly cruel, at least not to his friends. Although, given his obvious revulsion when James tried to get him to even pretend to go out with Remus, maybe Sirius didn’t even want to be friends anymore.
‘Oi, Moony, you awake yet?’
Remus recoiled slightly at the shout from across the Hospital Wing, but fortunately it was only Peter. Except… no, it wasn’t just Peter. For some reason he was dragging Marlene McKinnon with him.
‘Um, hello, McKinnon,’ said Remus warily. ‘To, uh, what do I owe the pleasure?’
It was a pretty nice way of saying “What the fuck are you doing here and by the way why did Wormtail bring along an audience for when I’m recovering from turning into a werewolf and also having my heart stamped all over by Sirius Black?” under the circumstances.
‘Heard about you tripping over a crystal ball in the Divination classroom and rushed straight here to check on your welfare,’ Marlene deadpanned.
‘Really?’
‘Not really,’ admitted Marlene. ‘Dorcas found out about Black taking Pettigrew to the Midwinter Fayre and is forcing me to intervene. It’s playing havoc with her odds.’
‘More to the point, it’s playing havoc with my chances of getting to spend time with a girl who might actually like me,’ said Peter. ‘Moony, I really need your help on this.’
Remus felt for Peter, he really did, but he also felt pretty darn sorry for himself, and Peter hadn’t helped matters by inviting along an audience to discuss the catastrophe of his love life (or lack thereof).
‘Sorry, Wormtail, but Padfoot being a dick isn’t my responsibility,’ said Remus. ‘You need to learn to stand up for yourself a bit. Trying saying “no” to him for once.’
‘Y’know, it’s a fair point,’ said Marlene. ‘Black probably won’t send a troupe of sparkly singing gnomes after you when you flee the Common Room screaming.’
Peter made a strange choking sort of a noise, so Marlene just shrugged and continued. ‘Alternatively, Lupin could put us all out of our misery and just say “yes” to Black like we all know he wants to.’
Now it was Remus’ turn to make incoherent spluttering noises. ‘Sirius doesn’t really fancy me!’
‘Merlin, give me strength,’ said Marlene, face-planting so hard onto Remus’ bed that she nearly knocked him out of it. Remus bristled and tried to ignore her.
‘What if you’re wrong?’ asked Peter bluntly.
‘I’m - what?’ Remus blinked, confused.
‘What if he really meant it when asked you to go out with him, and you’re the one hurting his feelings by being so stroppy about it?’
Remus hadn’t actually thought of that. But it was a ridiculous thought, so he decided to ignore it.
‘Or,’ Peter continued, ‘if it is a joke you shouldn’t just let him get away with it. You stand up to him by agreeing to the pretend date and then, like, pretend hold his hand until he gets embarrassed and backs down. That’s the Marauder way.’
‘Either way,’ said Marlene. ‘You’ll be defending poor Peter’s honour.’
‘I’ll be… no,’ said Remus. He was very tired, and his head was starting to hurt. Why couldn’t he be left alone to mope about Sirius in peace? ‘Anyway, it’s all academic, because Sirius already refused.’
In fact, he looked disgusted at the very idea of people thinking he might fancy me, Remus thought miserably.
‘Fair enough,’ said Peter amiably. ‘But just so we’re clear, if he asks you to be his pretend boyfriend for the Midwinter Fayre, you’ll say yes?’
‘Tell you what, why don’t you get him to ask Prongs to ask Lily to ask Marlene to ask you to ask me,’ said Remus. ‘Since we’re all twelve now, apparently.’
‘Oh, well if you’d rather be grown up about it,’ said Marlene briskly. She stood up and brushed her hands in a very business-like manner. ‘I’ll run and fetch Black, then the two of you can have an honest discussion about your feelings instead of arsing around like the fucking great drama fiends that you are.’
Well, there was no call for that. Remus scowled at Peter. ‘Fine, whatever.’
Peter beamed. ‘One down,’ he said proudly.
‘Sadly not a reference to my firewhisky consumption,’ said Marlene as she turned to leave. ‘Laters, loverboy.’
#
Peter Pettigrew hopes that SOMEONE is paying attention to the fact that he’s actually getting results here.
There was no reasoning with Sirius Black, so Peter didn’t even bother trying. Bribery, threats of violence, blackmail, and intimidation were all out as well, not least because Sirius was much better than him at all of them. No, his only hope was a nice spot of emotional manipulation.
And a wee bit of play acting. Which was where Lily came in. (Peter tried not to dwell on the fact that he needed to bring along a girl as back-up every time he needed to speak to one of his friends these days.) Peter was always first back to the dorm on a Thursday night, and persuaded Lily to drop Slug Club to come and help him. Sirius would be next back, after his early evening visit to the owlery (Peter had tried asking about the owl visits once, but Sirius had just mumbled something about ancient nocturnal wisdom and understanding of his pain, so he didn’t press the matter). Remus and James both had Head Person-ly prefect-y things, so would be safely out of the way for a while.
Peter and Lily chatted happily about the plans for the Midwinter Fayre and how annoyingly adorable some of James’s dimples were (er…) until Peter spotted the dot marked “Sirius Black” travelling through the Common Room on the Map. Show time.
‘Don’t be soft, Lily, of course he doesn’t fancy Moony,’ announced Peter, just as Sirius was opening the door. ‘I don’t think he even likes him that much.’
‘Who doesn’t fancy Moony?’ Sirius was already reaching for his wand, no doubt planning to hex anyone foolish enough to entertain designs on his own True Love. Or to curse anyone wilfully blind enough to overlook his darling’s innate perfection, it really could go either way with Sirius.
‘You,’ said Peter, laughing like he’d just noticed Sirius. ‘Lily’s been bending my ear about how upset Moony is that you didn’t want to go to the Midwinter Fayre with him. Like you care, right?’
Sirius didn’t say anything, he just gaped a bit. Like a fish.
‘You see,’ continued Peter. ‘So what if Moony thinks Padfoot is repulsed by him. He wants to grow a sense of humour, isn’t that right, Padfoot?’
‘Nonsense,’ Lily interrupted briskly. ‘I know that Sirius’ heart is true and there’s no way he’d’ve insisting on going to the Fayre with you if he’d known it would hurt Remus’ feelings.’
Sirius drooped visibly, which was quite an accomplishment for someone who was already looking about as chipper as a wet weekend in Grimsby. Peter felt a tiny bit bad - if Sirius got any more dejected he might actually turn into a puddle.
‘I suppose,’ said Peter generously, ‘that I could ask Susie after all. I mean, if it would help.’
Sirius nodded mutely and went to sit beside Lily on James’s bed. ‘Maybe I just won’t go.’
‘Nonsense,’ said Lily, fixing him with one of her fierce looks. ‘James and I need you there. I hope you’re not thinking of letting us down?’
‘Of course I’ll be there,’ said Sirius, and Peter couldn’t help but wonder if his willingness to put himself at James and Lily’s beck and call might be a sign that Dorcas had a point about the whole threesome thing - but then he remembered sitting next to Padfoot in Transfiguration all term and hearing his regular hour-long soliloquys on the loveliness of Moony’s eyes and pushed such foolish notions aside.
‘So, you’ll ask Moony, then?’ Peter suggested hopefully.
Sirius sighed heavily. ‘I don’t want to go on a pretend date with him, though.’
‘That’s what makes it so romantic,’ said Lily. ‘Putting aside your pride, and your own happiness, just to spare Remus the discomfort of thinking you might not like him. How paradoxical it is, that in sacrificing your own yearnings for a true emotional connection in favour of a short-lived pretence, you show the true depth of your commitment.’
Seriously though, Peter had actually written most of that speech but he was still amazed by Lily’s ability to spout such unmitigated Hippogriff vomit with a straight face. He wondered if all the time she spent snogging James was having an effect on her, or if she’d always been ridiculous but they’d never noticed before. Sirius, unsurprisingly, ate it up with a spoon.
‘OK, I’ll ask him,’ he agreed quietly, while Lily patted his knee approvingly.
Peter sneaked a peek at the Map, which lay nestled in the open pages of his Divination text book. Ah, right on cue, there was Moony back from patrols.
‘Hi, Lily, James’ll be back in a few minutes,’ said Remus. He only managed a nod for Sirius and Peter.
‘Lovely,’ said Lily. ‘In the meantime, Sirius has something he wants to ask you.’ She nudged Sirius in the ribs in a violent, yet friendly manner.
‘That’s nice,’ said Remus, not actually looking at Sirius at all. ‘Shall we just wait for Prongs, or do you want me to pop downstairs and invite the entire Common Room up to watch? I mean, just Wormtail and Lily’s not much of an audience.’
Sirius glanced about awkwardly. ‘Perhaps you should…’
‘Nuh-uh, we’re staying put,’ said Lily. Clearly she didn’t trust Sirius not to fuck this one up, and with good cause.
Sirius managed a lot of tutting and rolling his eyes but didn’t actually argue.
‘So, um, Moony, the Midwinter Fayre,’ he mumbled. ‘Do you want to go with me?’
‘You mean pretend to go out with you,’ said Remus. ‘On a fake date.’
‘Obviously,’ muttered Sirius tersely.
Remus appeared to be wavering, so Peter fixed him with a glare of his own. It wasn’t as fierce as one of Lily’s, but then Remus wasn’t quite so difficult as Sirius so it all evened out.
‘Yes, thank you, that would be very nice,’ he monotoned.
‘Excellent!’ Lily bounced on the spot, applauding loudly. ‘James will be so pleased.’
‘James will be pleased about what?’ said the man himself, bounded through the door. Peter was impressed: everyone’s timing was on point this evening.
‘Sirius just asked Remus to go to the Midwinter Fayre with him,’ said Lily.
‘Nice one, Padfoot,’ said James, grinning approvingly. He threw an arm around Remus’ shoulders and gave him a good mate-y squeeze. ‘Naturally Moony would be delighted, am I right?’
‘Well, actually…’ began Peter, but James wasn’t paying much attention.
‘C’mon, Moony, old man, say yes!’ James implored.
Remus winced, but didn’t object.
‘OK, but on one condition,’ he said.
‘Name it!’ James declared. ‘Anything for a pal, right?’
‘I shouldn’t be the only one forced to humiliate myself in public,’ said Remus.
‘Oo-kay.’
‘You know what would make the Midwinter Fayre really special?’ said Remus. ‘A visit from one of Santa’s favourite helpers.’
‘You want me to dress up like an elf?’ James appeared to be considering the suggestion seriously. He’d dressed more stupidly in public before, after all.
‘Oh, you won’t need to dress up,’ Remus told him. ‘Just… Charm your nose a bit. Nice and red.’
James blinked, holding up his hands as realisation dawned. ‘Moony, I am not a fucking reindeer.’
‘Rudolph,’ said Remus firmly, ‘or no dice.’
James glanced between Remus, Sirius, and Peter, but none of them gave an inch. He looked to Lily, who was biting her fist but nodded anyway.
‘OK, fine,’ James agreed wearily. ‘You play the role of Padfoot’s dashing beau, and I’ll be Rudolph the Red Nosed fucking Reindeer. Hold his hand and I might even allow small children to pet my antlers.’
The deal was done and sealed with the time-honoured and morally binding tradition of a spit handshake, and Remus departed, humming to himself as he went. Lily couldn’t contain herself any longer, and burst out laughing.
‘What?’ demanded James. ‘I didn’t have much choice - oh, shit, the sneaky little bastard had already agreed, hadn’t he?’
Peter was surprised it had taken him so long to be quite honest.
‘I think you’ve been had, Rudolph,’ said Lily, as James swore under his breath. Sirius just gazed longingly after Remus’ departing figure.
‘Did you see how he stitched Prongs up like a kipper?’ he said, before letting out a long, doleful sigh. ‘I really love him.’
‘I know, honey,’ said Lily, giving him a hug. ‘Would it cheer you up if I helped you decorate James’ antlers with fairy lights?’
Sirius almost smiled. ‘That might help, yes.’
#
On to Part two
Author/Artist: shaggydogstail
Recipient: adriositiense
Rating:PG-13
Contents or warnings (highlight to view): None
Word count:12 623
Summary: Sirius likes Remus. Remus likes Sirius. Their friends are supportive. Christmas is coming and romance is in the air. So it should be a simple matter for them to get together, right?
Except that maybe their friends are a bit too supportive and that’s where the trouble started. What with the pretend dating, the mistletoe, the sleigh rides and say, what’s in this drink? Oh, and the fairly extensive gambling ring. It’ll take more than goodwill and glitter to sort this one out.
Notes: Thanks to chocolatepot for the beta job. Any remaining errors are mine.
First off, James Potter would like it to be known that none of this is his fault. He was TRYING to help, not that he gets any thanks for it from those ungrateful bastards.
James prided himself on being a top-notch best mate and one of the country’s leading experts on love, so it was no surprise that Sirius had turned to him for help when he set out to win the heart of one Remus Lupin. He spent many hours plotting and conspiring, proof-reading poetry, constructing exploding glitter bombs, and offering rousing pep-talks whenever it seemed that Sirius’ nerve might be about to fail him.
‘Padfoot, it’s perfect!’ James applauded wildly as Sirius completed the final dress rehearsal of his short dramatic presentation on the theme of How Much I Fancy You, Moony, and Why You Should Definitely Go Out With Me Starting Now.
‘Are you sure?’ asked Sirius, for approximately the five billionth time. He kept having doubts about the wisdom of James’s seduction tips, for some inexplicable reason.
‘There’s no way he’ll be able to resist,’ James assured him. He had to remove his glasses to wipe a tear. ‘I’m actually a little bit in love with you myself now.’
‘Cheers.’ Sirius grinned. ‘So if Moony does turn me down, I’ll just have to fight Lily for you.’
‘Well, you can try.’
What they’d overlooked, perhaps, was Remus wasn’t quite as, well, showy as James, and thus the Potter-approved seduction technique (based on loud, public declarations of affection, dramatic gestures and, yes, glitter explosions) was unlikely to impress. In fact, far from impressing Moony Sirius asking him out had rendered him, by turn, horrified, embarrassed, avoidant and actually quite cross. For some reason he seemed to think that Sirius was, as he put it, “taking the piss, fucking typical, wanker,” and refused to discuss the matter further.
Sirius, of course, was plunged into an unending pit of despair and had spent the days since gazing out of windows, sighing disconsolately and muttering about how he would never know happiness again.
James was running out of ideas about what to do with him, he really was.
#
Lily Evans would like to point out that she is in no way responsible for her idiot boyfriend and his ridiculous friends, but quite frankly someone has to Do Something and it might as well be her.
Lily was a busy woman, she didn’t have time for shenanigans. Seventh year meant N.E.W.T.s, so there was plenty of work to do, plus she was Head Girl, and James… well, James had turned out to be a much more pleasant distraction than she’d imagined, but still. He was very distracting, with his stupid snitch and his hair and his “of course I’ll help” which actually meant “let’s do no work and spend the rest of the evening snogging” and and…
Damnit.
On top of which she had the Midwinter Fayre to organise - no easy task, given that she’d never even attended one before, since they were only held at Hogwarts every 47 years. (Why every 47 years, Lily couldn’t fathom, but since magical folk had 29 knuts to the sickle, 17 sickles to the galleon and had palpitations at the mere mention of the metric system she supposed she should’ve known better than to expect it to make any sense.)
She really couldn’t be doing with Sirius skulking around the Common Room, looking like a puppy that’d been shut out in the rain, nor even Remus answering her every enquiry with a clipped ‘I’m fine’ in a tone that suggested he could only be less fine if someone actually set him on fire.
Although… maybe the solution to her problems was staring her right in the face. Nothing was quite so romantic and magical as Christmas, and the Midwinter Fayre would surely make it even more so. Even those two fuckwits couldn’t fail to get it together with all that mistletoe flying about.
‘Yes, but we have to get them both there first,’ James pointed out. ‘And together. Right now, they’re barely talking.’
‘Well, the way Sirius is carrying on he’d probably be up for an extra-curricular lecture from Professor Binns on the development of cleaning spells through the eighteenth century if he thought it might score him a date with Remus,’ said Lily. ‘So it’s Remus we need to work on: what is his problem?’
‘I think,’ said James, ‘he may not have taken Padfoot’s, um, offer entirely seriously.’
‘I can’t imagine why,’ said Lily, rolling her eyes. ‘Nothing says sincerity like conjuring enchanted butterflies to follow the object of your desires around the tower.’
‘The singing gnomes may well have been a mistake,’ conceded James. He looked very downhearted. ‘Moony seems to think the whole thing was one big joke.’
And that was when inspiration finally struck.
‘That’s it!’ said Lily, jumping up and upsetting her books all over the floor, scaring the ice mice out of Marlene’s cat, which had been sleeping beneath the table. ‘If he thinks it’s a joke then… let him. Get Remus to go along with a pretend date with Sirius and then when the big day comes… well, the fairy lights, the mistletoe, the mulled wine, all that romantic atmosphere… things can just take care of themselves.’
‘That’s…’ James scratched his head. It messed his hair up in an annoyingly sexy way. ‘No offence, Lils, but that sounds kind of mental. Sirius already tried asking Remus out, it didn’t work.’
Lily rolled her eyes. Merlin’s pants, she really did have to think of everything, didn’t she?
‘Sirius being honest - albeit in his own theatrical and demented manner - didn’t work because Remus didn’t believe he was for real,’ explained Lily patiently.
‘You think it’s one of his self-esteem things?’ asked James.
‘More than likely.’ Lily rolled her eyes. ‘The great wet haddock.’
‘Harsh,’ muttered James.
‘Wet,’ repeated Lily firmly. ‘Haddock.’
‘Yeah, don’t let Padfoot hear you talking about him like that,’ said James. ‘He’ll fight you.’
‘Worth bearing in mind as Plan B,’ mused Lily. ‘I insult Remus, provoking Sirius into duelling me for his honour, Remus gets carried away with the romance of the thing and swoons - ’
‘ - Moony and I spend the rest of the term in the Hospital Wing overcoming the inevitable mental trauma,’ James interrupted. ‘Honestly, I wish you and Padfoot would stop joking about fighting each other.’
‘Never!’ Lily grinned. ‘We know how much it both terrifies and arouses you.’
The top of James’s ears went terribly pink. It was adorable.
‘So, you’ll talk to them?’ asked Lily.
‘Anything for you, sweetness,’ said James. Lily could tell he was humouring her, but resolved to press on regardless.
‘I know just the person to help as well,’ said Lily. ‘C’mon, darling, battle stations!’
‘OK, only,’ James mused thoughtfully. ‘We are sure this is about Moony being ridiculous, right? I mean, maybe he just doesn’t fancy Padfoot.’
‘Don’t be ridiculous,’ said Lily, gathering her books back up off the floor. ‘Everyone fancies Sirius.’
‘Yeah, I suppose…’ James began as he stowed his own Charms homework back in his bag. ‘HEY! -’
#
Marlene McKinnon never asked for ANY of this, and would very much prefer to be left out of it in future thankyouverymuch.
The Gryffindor Common Room was unusually quiet. Marlene suspected it might be down to certain loud people being enmeshed in the dramas of love, and too busy either moping or sucking face to start fights, raise ruckuses and generally cause a disruption of the peace. It was rather lovely, actually, and Marlene was enjoying the chance to relax by the fire with Dorcas snuggled up beside her, all cosy and snug, with the soft curls of Dorcas’ hair pleasantly not-quite-tickly on her neck.
Marlene was very nearly dozing off when her peace was shattered when the Head Boy and Girl barrelled down the stairs from the boys’ dorms and charged towards her and Dorcas, like an unstoppable Duo of Chaos and Vociferously Expressed Opinions.
‘Potter, Evans,’ she said, as Lily landed on the sofa beside her and James parked himself on the coffee table. ‘So good to see you both with your mouths detached. To what do I owe the pleasure?’
‘We need your help,’ said Lily, ‘with Sirius.’
‘And romance,’ added James.
‘I knew it!’ Dorcas was suddenly very awake, sitting upright and digging through her pockets. ‘Where did I put my notebook?’
‘Give it up, honey, you lost,’ said Marlene. ‘Black practically proposed marriage to Lupin in this very room only a week ago.’
‘Yes, I’m still washing glitter out of my ears,’ tutted Dorcas. ‘But Lupin turned him down, didn’t he? And Black’s all morose so someone is going to have to kiss him better. Or perhaps two someones.’
She fixed James and then Lily with a very significant stare.
‘What?’ Lily crinkled her nose, confused. Oh, bless her innocent heart.
‘Dorcas thinks that you, Potter, and Black are destined for a threesomely union of love and ferociousness,’ Marlene explained patiently.
‘No!’ said James firmly, pointing at Marlene and Dorcas in turn before turning to Lily and repeating, more loudly, ‘No!’
Lily opened her mouth to speak.
‘NO!’ said James, a little shrilly. Lily closed her mouth and sat back.
‘Don’t let’s be hasty,’ said Dorcas, ‘This could be a very profitable outcome.’
‘I agree with James,’ said Lily. ‘No. And also, we really do need your help, Marlene.’
‘Why me?’
‘Well, you’ve been out with Sirius,’ said Lily.
‘Um, that was years ago,’ said Marlene. ‘And anyway, we weren’t really dating: I just pretended to be going out with Black so that no-one would find out I was really sneaking out to meet the cute girl who helped out at Gladrags.’
‘All the better,’ said James. ‘We want Sirius to agree to a fake date anyway.’
‘I…’ Marlene pinched the bridge of her nose. ‘Never mind, I don’t actually want to know.’
‘Well I do,’ said Dorcas. ‘Are you trying to game my gambling ring?’
‘The very idea,’ muttered Lily. ‘That would be unethical.’
‘I would never interfere with the noble art of bookmaking,’ said James in the gravest tones. ‘I just need to know how to convince Sirius to pretend to go out with someone. Why did he pretend to go out with you?’
‘Well, maybe he understood that I was feeling kinda vulnerable and a bit frightened about being outed before I was ready,’ said Marlene. ‘He probably just agreed to help me out of the goodness of his heart.’
‘Yes,’ said James firmly, once the general hilarity had subsided. ‘I expect that’s exactly it.’
Lily leant across the sofa and squeezed James’s knee. ‘Your loyalty is adorable,’ she said. Lily would probably brutally murder anyone who pointed it out, but she was definitely fluttering her eyelashes.
‘Well, yes,’ said Marlene slowly, unwilling to be drawn into any more conversation about the matter than strictly necessary. ‘Whatever he was up to when he was supposed to be going out with me, I assumed you’d be the one to know.’
‘He never did tell me.’ James shook his head. ‘Ooh, you don’t suppose he was sneaking off with other boys do you?’
That made Dorcas snap right back to attention again, and she turned with all the fierceness of Filch spotting an Ickle Firstie with dungbombs falling out of their pockets.
‘Does the idea of Black sneaking off with other boys make you jealous, Potter?’ she demanded. ‘How about you, Evans? He is quite unruly, it might take the both of you to keep him in line.’
‘No!’ said James firmly. ‘No. Settle down, Meadowes.’
‘Well if you will get all possessive…’
‘Don’t be ridiculous, I’m trying to help Sirius!’ James pouted. ‘I want him to have a nice boyfriend.’
‘Provided you’ve vetted him properly first,’ teased Marlene.
‘Well, naturally,’ said James, in a tone which suggested he believed he was being completely normal and reasonable. ‘I’ve satisfied myself that Remus is good enough for Sirius. And vice-versa, of course. That’s why I want them to go on a pretend date.’
‘I’m going to regret asking this,’ said Marlene, ‘but why a pretend date?’
‘Interim measure,’ explained Lily. ‘You know what happens when people have to pretend to be going out together.’
Marlene didn’t know, actually, but she had a horrible feeling she was about to find out.
‘Love!’ announced James triumphantly.
‘It’s like the “fake it till you make it” thing,’ added Lily.
Marlene wondered if she was the only person who didn’t understand what in Godric’s codpiece they were twittering on about. She looked at Dorcas quizzically.
‘Straight girl thing,’ whispered Dorcas. Neither Lily nor James seemed to notice.
‘Don’t you ever read the short stories in Just Enchanted?’ said Lily. ‘Whenever two people pretend to be in a relationship - or even married - they always end up together.’
‘There are whole novels about it,’ added James.
‘Yeah, tiny problem,’ said Marlene. ‘Like you said, I pretended to go out with Black and he and I aren’t planning on eloping any time soon.’
‘I can’t believe I’m defending these two maniacs,’ said Dorcas. ‘But you and Black are both extraordinarily gay.’
Marlene had to concede the point.
‘Maybe fake-dating Sirius makes people gay?’ suggested James hopefully.
‘Maybe it just gives them a taste for minge,’ countered Dorcas.
‘He can be quite a colossal twat,’ mused Marlene. ‘But no. This is all inane, don’t you realise? If you actually want to help Black and Lupin sort out their relationship drama, why don’t you actually try talking to them instead of madcap plotting? You’re their friends, surely you could get them to sit down and have an honest conversation about their feelings.’
Lily and James exchanged sceptical looks.
‘That’ll never work,’ they chorused.
Marlene despaired, she really did.
#
Sirius Black supposes he should’ve known better than to listen to that wanker, James Potter, in the first place and it’s probably all his own fault that he’s going to die alone and unloved.
Sirius was brilliant at most things, but there were a few things he really wasn’t good at at all. Being in the same room as Slytherins and not hexing any of them, for one. Resisting the temptation to make dirty jokes when Professor Flitwick started lecturing them about wand movements, for another. Staying out of trouble generally, to be honest.
And coping with rejection most of all.
Ever since The Incident (the one with the glitter and humiliation and Remus turning him down in front of the entire fucking House) Sirius had been somewhat less than his usual self. He was so quiet in class that twice in the past week Professor McGonagall had asked if he’d like to be excused to go to the Hospital Wing so that Madam Pomfrey could check him over. Hamble, the head elf in the kitchen, had been so concerned about his lack of appetite that she’d baked his favourite coconut cake, and was said to have been close to tears when she heard he’d barely tasted it. Snape spent ten minutes gloating about the Slytherin Quidditch team’s recent victory while they were waiting to go in to Potions; Sirius barely noticed. He spent so long wandering around the castle with a face like a wet weekend that even Regulus came up to ask him if he was all right, and Sirius just sort of sniffed a bit, instead of telling him to fuck right off in the proper manner.
Everything was awful and miserable and Sirius ached. The worst part - well, one of several worst parts, really, along with the humiliation and the heartbreak and the prospect of dying alone with only Prongs and Wormtail to mourn his passing - was that Moony didn’t even seem to want to be friends with him anymore. Whenever some blushing half-wit had asked Sirius out, it’d always been Moony who’d encouraged him to let them down gently, but apparently Sirius himself wasn’t worthy of the consideration given to swooning Hufflepuffs, because Remus had not been gentle at all when letting him down, and had largely avoided Sirius ever since.
Until James frog-marched him into the dormitory, more or less at wand-point, on a dull and dreary Saturday afternoon, that was. Sirius had been lying on his bed, glaring at the curtains, while Wormtail attempted to cheer him up with some long-winded tale about a couple of Slytherin sixth-years, a misplaced Orchideous spell, and a Venomous Tentacula. (Sirius wasn’t really listening; he was mostly thinking about the freckles on Remus’ nose and how it was a great injustice that he’d never get to kiss them.)
‘Right, listen up, you gits,’ said James, self-importantly. Peter sat up very straight, gazing at James with rapt attention. Remus muttered and flopped down on the end of his own bed; Sirius tried not to stare at him too plaintively.
‘As you know, the Midwinter Fayre is fast approaching, and Lily has been working her arse off to make it the most magical, the most glorious, and the most romantic of all festive festivities. As her loving and ever-attentive boyfriend, I have promised to help.’
‘Wormtail, be a mate and smother me with a pillow,’ said Sirius. ‘I don’t think I can stick even another minute of Prongs’ ramblings.’
‘Wormtail will do no such thing,’ said James. ‘I’ll need you all at the peak of fitness to assist me.’
Well, that was unlikely to happen on account of Sirius being in the throes of dying of a broken heart, but he lacked the strength to argue.
‘What do you want us to do?’ asked Remus wearily.
‘Obviously I’ll expect you all to be there,’ said James. ‘In pairs: like I said, Lily wants this to be romantic.’
‘Wormtail, have mercy,’ pleaded Sirius. ‘Pillow, now, please.’
‘If you don’t quit with the amateur dramatics I’m going to Silence you,’ said James warningly. ‘The Midwinter Fayre will be couples-only. Naturally, I shall be escorted by the prettiest girl in school, the lovely Miss Evans. Wormtail, this is your chance to ask out Susie Parsons - I’ve seen the two of you chatting in Herbology, I reckon you’re well in there. That just leaves Padfoot and Moony.’
Sirius covered his head with a pillow. Peter and James were both without pity, but perhaps he could smother himself?
James, the remorseless bastard, ploughed on relentlessly.
‘Sadly two of our number are terminally single. Padfoot, Moony, you’ll have to go together.’
Remus scowled. ‘I believe I’ve already made my feelings clear on this matter.’
‘Yes, yes, don’t worry, I’m not going to start planning your wedding,’ said James testily. ‘It’s not a real date anyway: the two of you just have to pretend to be going out.’
‘You want me and Moony to go on a fake date?’ asked Sirius, extracting himself from under his pillow. He couldn’t quite believe what he was hearing, and he was used to some pretty monumental bullshit from James.
‘Exactly!’ said James. ‘Just a little bit of harmless play acting. Hold hands, put on a bit of a show, it’ll be a laugh.’
‘Fuck off,’ said Sirius.
‘Aw, c’mon, Pads,’ James wheedled. ‘It’s just a bit of fun.’
‘Oh yeah, humiliating me in public again, how endlessly amusing!’ said Sirius angrily. He looked across at Remus: Remus wasn’t even looking his way, just gazing down at his own shoes looking like he was trying not to be sick. ‘Tell you what, maybe you could even dare him to kiss me. Won’t that be hilarious!’
‘Keep your hair on,’ muttered James. ‘It’s just one evening.’
‘No,’ said Sirius.
‘Yes,’ insisted James. ‘I expect you to be there to support Lily, and to do that you’ll need a date.’
‘Fine, I’ll go with Wormtail,’ said Sirius petulantly.
‘Um, I was actually going to ask - ’ Peter began nervously.
‘Wormtail, are you spurning me?’ demanded Sirius, looming over him menacingly.
Peter swallowed heavily. ‘Um, no?’
‘Right, that’s settled,’ announced Sirius, jumping to his feet. ‘I’ll be there to support you and Lily in your hour of tinsel-fuelled nonsense, with Wormtail at my side.’
‘What about Moony?’ asked James.
‘Try asking someone who gives a shit,’ shouted Sirius, slamming the dormitory door behind him as he went. He charged down the stairs, nearly bumping right into Marlene.
‘Hey, watch - oh,’ Marlene began. Her expression softened into that vaguely sympathetic look that people kept giving him lately. Sirius was really getting tired of it. ‘You OK, Black?’
‘I’m fine!’ announced Sirius loudly, marching across the Common Room. ‘I’m just going to… the owlery. To visit the owls.’
He could actually hear Marlene muttering, ‘completely fucking barking,’ behind him, but was too dejected to hex her even a little bit.
Oh, the agony.
#
Peter Pettigrew blames basically everyone for the whole sorry mess, but it’s obvious he’s going to have to sort it out, even if he is unlikely to get any credit for it, as per usual.
The entirety of Gryffindor House had, in Peter’s opinion, lost their minds. Little wonder he wanted to go out with a nice, quiet Ravenclaw, not that he stood much of a chance with Susie or anyone else if he didn’t wriggle out of this nonsense about dating Sirius. Being constantly overshadowed by Sirius all these years had put enough of a damper on Peter’s dating prospects; allowing potential suitors to fear ending up on the wrong side of Sirius’ wand would condemn Peter to lifelong celibacy. (Only the bravest - or most foolhardy - students so much as smiled at Moony these days.)
‘I take it that things didn’t go too well?’ asked Lily sympathetically. She had joined James and Peter on a kitchen raid, although she was maintaining her Head Girl respectability by calling it an “inspection” and taking the odd break from stuffing her face with pastries to interrogate the house elves about their working conditions.
‘Yeah, I expected trouble from Moony, but Padfoot was worse,’ said James. ‘Not only did he refuse to pretend-date Moony, he’s insisting that Wormtail has to accompany him instead.’
‘Fuck’s sake,’ muttered Lily irritably. ‘I really should’ve known: if you want a plan to go smoothly, kill - or at least Imperio - Sirius first.’
‘Lils, remember what we said about Unforgiveables,’ said James.
‘Yes, yes, I know.’ Lily waved a jam tart (the house elves probably wouldn’t let her leave until she’d eaten at least fifty). ‘I’m sure the Wizengamot would let me off with a short sentence, if I explained it was for his own good.’
‘Probably just a couple of months,’ agreed Peter, possibly a little too enthusiastically. ‘We’ll all come and visit you, of course.’
James shot Peter a very disapproving look. ‘We’re not going to let Lily risk Azkaban just save you from having Padfoot lick you in public.’
Peter privately thought it was worth the risk, but knew better than to mention it to James.
‘Perhaps,’ he offered tentatively, ‘perhaps I should talk to them.’
‘You?’ asked James, somewhat unkindly. It was a bit rich for him to be taking that sort of a tone, considering the damage he’d done.
‘Are you going to be OK with that?’ said Lily, more kindly but no less sceptically. ‘They’re both a bit… volatile right now.’
So, no change there then, at least as far as Sirius was concerned. Honestly, it was like no-one had noticed that Peter had years of experiencing in dealing with emotionally unstable egomaniacs and their never-ending personal dramas, but then James and Lily both seemed to have forgotten the emotional roller-coaster they’d all been forced to ride before they got together.
‘Padfoot needs a bit of time to cool down,’ said Peter. ‘And it’s only a couple of days till full moon - Moony’ll be much more relaxed after. I’ll talk to them then.’
James chomped on a chocolate éclair, apparently deep in thought. ‘That does make a certain amount of sense,’ he admitted. ‘But, no offence, Wormtail, are you sure you want to be the one to do it?’
Peter privately thought it had to be him, as both Remus and Sirius had finally cottoned on that James was Demented and Lily was Nearly As Bad, but of course he wouldn’t have dreamt of saying so.
‘I ought to do something,’ he said. ‘The two of you have got so much on with planning the actual Fayre.’
‘That is a good point,’ mumbled Lily around her fourteenth jam tart. ‘We still haven’t decided about the ice-skating rink.’
‘We should definitely have one,’ said James. ‘I’m just not sure about flooding the Quidditch Pitch for it.’
‘It’s the only space big enough, though.’
‘I just don’t want to damage the pitch!’
‘But you play Quidditch in the air.’
They’d be like this for hours; Peter slipped a pork pie into each pocket and made good his escape.
#
Remus Lupin doesn’t blame anyone really. He just thinks that for someone with so many secrets, he’s awfully bad at keeping them.
Remus woke in late morning, blinking under the cool, bright December sunlight flooding the Hospital Wing. He felt tired and achy, but mostly in a good way. It had been a good full moon - running through the forest, narrowly avoiding a full-on showdown with the centaurs, and pushing each other down hillsides. Blearily, Remus remembered Padfoot falling nose-over-tall into an enormous snow drift, barking and yelping as he had to dig his way out and then -
- Oh, yeah, Padfoot. Remus was suddenly glad that there was no-one around, so he didn’t have to worry that he might be blushing or something. Really, it was all just so embarrassing. Remus was hardly the first person to have developed a bit of a crush on Sirius Black and he’d not be the last, so he really didn’t see why it all had to be such a bit deal.
He’d tried so hard to keep it a secret too. Taken great care not to stare at Sirius or sit too close, studiously averted his eyes every time Sirius did something provocative like licking jam off his fingers, or stretching so far his t-shirt rode up and exposed a tantalising glimpse of skin, or chewed his lips, or bit his fingernails, or or …
Oh, Merlin’s sweaty arsecrack, who was he trying to kid? There were, at a conservative estimate, forty-five thousand things Sirius did every single day that made Remus go all gooey and ridiculous; of course he was bound to notice. It shouldn’t have been a surprise that he’d taken the piss, although the sheer extent of his glitter-fuelled mockery had been worse than Remus had expected; Sirius had a mean sense of humour, sure, but he wasn’t usually so calculatedly cruel, at least not to his friends. Although, given his obvious revulsion when James tried to get him to even pretend to go out with Remus, maybe Sirius didn’t even want to be friends anymore.
‘Oi, Moony, you awake yet?’
Remus recoiled slightly at the shout from across the Hospital Wing, but fortunately it was only Peter. Except… no, it wasn’t just Peter. For some reason he was dragging Marlene McKinnon with him.
‘Um, hello, McKinnon,’ said Remus warily. ‘To, uh, what do I owe the pleasure?’
It was a pretty nice way of saying “What the fuck are you doing here and by the way why did Wormtail bring along an audience for when I’m recovering from turning into a werewolf and also having my heart stamped all over by Sirius Black?” under the circumstances.
‘Heard about you tripping over a crystal ball in the Divination classroom and rushed straight here to check on your welfare,’ Marlene deadpanned.
‘Really?’
‘Not really,’ admitted Marlene. ‘Dorcas found out about Black taking Pettigrew to the Midwinter Fayre and is forcing me to intervene. It’s playing havoc with her odds.’
‘More to the point, it’s playing havoc with my chances of getting to spend time with a girl who might actually like me,’ said Peter. ‘Moony, I really need your help on this.’
Remus felt for Peter, he really did, but he also felt pretty darn sorry for himself, and Peter hadn’t helped matters by inviting along an audience to discuss the catastrophe of his love life (or lack thereof).
‘Sorry, Wormtail, but Padfoot being a dick isn’t my responsibility,’ said Remus. ‘You need to learn to stand up for yourself a bit. Trying saying “no” to him for once.’
‘Y’know, it’s a fair point,’ said Marlene. ‘Black probably won’t send a troupe of sparkly singing gnomes after you when you flee the Common Room screaming.’
Peter made a strange choking sort of a noise, so Marlene just shrugged and continued. ‘Alternatively, Lupin could put us all out of our misery and just say “yes” to Black like we all know he wants to.’
Now it was Remus’ turn to make incoherent spluttering noises. ‘Sirius doesn’t really fancy me!’
‘Merlin, give me strength,’ said Marlene, face-planting so hard onto Remus’ bed that she nearly knocked him out of it. Remus bristled and tried to ignore her.
‘What if you’re wrong?’ asked Peter bluntly.
‘I’m - what?’ Remus blinked, confused.
‘What if he really meant it when asked you to go out with him, and you’re the one hurting his feelings by being so stroppy about it?’
Remus hadn’t actually thought of that. But it was a ridiculous thought, so he decided to ignore it.
‘Or,’ Peter continued, ‘if it is a joke you shouldn’t just let him get away with it. You stand up to him by agreeing to the pretend date and then, like, pretend hold his hand until he gets embarrassed and backs down. That’s the Marauder way.’
‘Either way,’ said Marlene. ‘You’ll be defending poor Peter’s honour.’
‘I’ll be… no,’ said Remus. He was very tired, and his head was starting to hurt. Why couldn’t he be left alone to mope about Sirius in peace? ‘Anyway, it’s all academic, because Sirius already refused.’
In fact, he looked disgusted at the very idea of people thinking he might fancy me, Remus thought miserably.
‘Fair enough,’ said Peter amiably. ‘But just so we’re clear, if he asks you to be his pretend boyfriend for the Midwinter Fayre, you’ll say yes?’
‘Tell you what, why don’t you get him to ask Prongs to ask Lily to ask Marlene to ask you to ask me,’ said Remus. ‘Since we’re all twelve now, apparently.’
‘Oh, well if you’d rather be grown up about it,’ said Marlene briskly. She stood up and brushed her hands in a very business-like manner. ‘I’ll run and fetch Black, then the two of you can have an honest discussion about your feelings instead of arsing around like the fucking great drama fiends that you are.’
Well, there was no call for that. Remus scowled at Peter. ‘Fine, whatever.’
Peter beamed. ‘One down,’ he said proudly.
‘Sadly not a reference to my firewhisky consumption,’ said Marlene as she turned to leave. ‘Laters, loverboy.’
#
Peter Pettigrew hopes that SOMEONE is paying attention to the fact that he’s actually getting results here.
There was no reasoning with Sirius Black, so Peter didn’t even bother trying. Bribery, threats of violence, blackmail, and intimidation were all out as well, not least because Sirius was much better than him at all of them. No, his only hope was a nice spot of emotional manipulation.
And a wee bit of play acting. Which was where Lily came in. (Peter tried not to dwell on the fact that he needed to bring along a girl as back-up every time he needed to speak to one of his friends these days.) Peter was always first back to the dorm on a Thursday night, and persuaded Lily to drop Slug Club to come and help him. Sirius would be next back, after his early evening visit to the owlery (Peter had tried asking about the owl visits once, but Sirius had just mumbled something about ancient nocturnal wisdom and understanding of his pain, so he didn’t press the matter). Remus and James both had Head Person-ly prefect-y things, so would be safely out of the way for a while.
Peter and Lily chatted happily about the plans for the Midwinter Fayre and how annoyingly adorable some of James’s dimples were (er…) until Peter spotted the dot marked “Sirius Black” travelling through the Common Room on the Map. Show time.
‘Don’t be soft, Lily, of course he doesn’t fancy Moony,’ announced Peter, just as Sirius was opening the door. ‘I don’t think he even likes him that much.’
‘Who doesn’t fancy Moony?’ Sirius was already reaching for his wand, no doubt planning to hex anyone foolish enough to entertain designs on his own True Love. Or to curse anyone wilfully blind enough to overlook his darling’s innate perfection, it really could go either way with Sirius.
‘You,’ said Peter, laughing like he’d just noticed Sirius. ‘Lily’s been bending my ear about how upset Moony is that you didn’t want to go to the Midwinter Fayre with him. Like you care, right?’
Sirius didn’t say anything, he just gaped a bit. Like a fish.
‘You see,’ continued Peter. ‘So what if Moony thinks Padfoot is repulsed by him. He wants to grow a sense of humour, isn’t that right, Padfoot?’
‘Nonsense,’ Lily interrupted briskly. ‘I know that Sirius’ heart is true and there’s no way he’d’ve insisting on going to the Fayre with you if he’d known it would hurt Remus’ feelings.’
Sirius drooped visibly, which was quite an accomplishment for someone who was already looking about as chipper as a wet weekend in Grimsby. Peter felt a tiny bit bad - if Sirius got any more dejected he might actually turn into a puddle.
‘I suppose,’ said Peter generously, ‘that I could ask Susie after all. I mean, if it would help.’
Sirius nodded mutely and went to sit beside Lily on James’s bed. ‘Maybe I just won’t go.’
‘Nonsense,’ said Lily, fixing him with one of her fierce looks. ‘James and I need you there. I hope you’re not thinking of letting us down?’
‘Of course I’ll be there,’ said Sirius, and Peter couldn’t help but wonder if his willingness to put himself at James and Lily’s beck and call might be a sign that Dorcas had a point about the whole threesome thing - but then he remembered sitting next to Padfoot in Transfiguration all term and hearing his regular hour-long soliloquys on the loveliness of Moony’s eyes and pushed such foolish notions aside.
‘So, you’ll ask Moony, then?’ Peter suggested hopefully.
Sirius sighed heavily. ‘I don’t want to go on a pretend date with him, though.’
‘That’s what makes it so romantic,’ said Lily. ‘Putting aside your pride, and your own happiness, just to spare Remus the discomfort of thinking you might not like him. How paradoxical it is, that in sacrificing your own yearnings for a true emotional connection in favour of a short-lived pretence, you show the true depth of your commitment.’
Seriously though, Peter had actually written most of that speech but he was still amazed by Lily’s ability to spout such unmitigated Hippogriff vomit with a straight face. He wondered if all the time she spent snogging James was having an effect on her, or if she’d always been ridiculous but they’d never noticed before. Sirius, unsurprisingly, ate it up with a spoon.
‘OK, I’ll ask him,’ he agreed quietly, while Lily patted his knee approvingly.
Peter sneaked a peek at the Map, which lay nestled in the open pages of his Divination text book. Ah, right on cue, there was Moony back from patrols.
‘Hi, Lily, James’ll be back in a few minutes,’ said Remus. He only managed a nod for Sirius and Peter.
‘Lovely,’ said Lily. ‘In the meantime, Sirius has something he wants to ask you.’ She nudged Sirius in the ribs in a violent, yet friendly manner.
‘That’s nice,’ said Remus, not actually looking at Sirius at all. ‘Shall we just wait for Prongs, or do you want me to pop downstairs and invite the entire Common Room up to watch? I mean, just Wormtail and Lily’s not much of an audience.’
Sirius glanced about awkwardly. ‘Perhaps you should…’
‘Nuh-uh, we’re staying put,’ said Lily. Clearly she didn’t trust Sirius not to fuck this one up, and with good cause.
Sirius managed a lot of tutting and rolling his eyes but didn’t actually argue.
‘So, um, Moony, the Midwinter Fayre,’ he mumbled. ‘Do you want to go with me?’
‘You mean pretend to go out with you,’ said Remus. ‘On a fake date.’
‘Obviously,’ muttered Sirius tersely.
Remus appeared to be wavering, so Peter fixed him with a glare of his own. It wasn’t as fierce as one of Lily’s, but then Remus wasn’t quite so difficult as Sirius so it all evened out.
‘Yes, thank you, that would be very nice,’ he monotoned.
‘Excellent!’ Lily bounced on the spot, applauding loudly. ‘James will be so pleased.’
‘James will be pleased about what?’ said the man himself, bounded through the door. Peter was impressed: everyone’s timing was on point this evening.
‘Sirius just asked Remus to go to the Midwinter Fayre with him,’ said Lily.
‘Nice one, Padfoot,’ said James, grinning approvingly. He threw an arm around Remus’ shoulders and gave him a good mate-y squeeze. ‘Naturally Moony would be delighted, am I right?’
‘Well, actually…’ began Peter, but James wasn’t paying much attention.
‘C’mon, Moony, old man, say yes!’ James implored.
Remus winced, but didn’t object.
‘OK, but on one condition,’ he said.
‘Name it!’ James declared. ‘Anything for a pal, right?’
‘I shouldn’t be the only one forced to humiliate myself in public,’ said Remus.
‘Oo-kay.’
‘You know what would make the Midwinter Fayre really special?’ said Remus. ‘A visit from one of Santa’s favourite helpers.’
‘You want me to dress up like an elf?’ James appeared to be considering the suggestion seriously. He’d dressed more stupidly in public before, after all.
‘Oh, you won’t need to dress up,’ Remus told him. ‘Just… Charm your nose a bit. Nice and red.’
James blinked, holding up his hands as realisation dawned. ‘Moony, I am not a fucking reindeer.’
‘Rudolph,’ said Remus firmly, ‘or no dice.’
James glanced between Remus, Sirius, and Peter, but none of them gave an inch. He looked to Lily, who was biting her fist but nodded anyway.
‘OK, fine,’ James agreed wearily. ‘You play the role of Padfoot’s dashing beau, and I’ll be Rudolph the Red Nosed fucking Reindeer. Hold his hand and I might even allow small children to pet my antlers.’
The deal was done and sealed with the time-honoured and morally binding tradition of a spit handshake, and Remus departed, humming to himself as he went. Lily couldn’t contain herself any longer, and burst out laughing.
‘What?’ demanded James. ‘I didn’t have much choice - oh, shit, the sneaky little bastard had already agreed, hadn’t he?’
Peter was surprised it had taken him so long to be quite honest.
‘I think you’ve been had, Rudolph,’ said Lily, as James swore under his breath. Sirius just gazed longingly after Remus’ departing figure.
‘Did you see how he stitched Prongs up like a kipper?’ he said, before letting out a long, doleful sigh. ‘I really love him.’
‘I know, honey,’ said Lily, giving him a hug. ‘Would it cheer you up if I helped you decorate James’ antlers with fairy lights?’
Sirius almost smiled. ‘That might help, yes.’
#
On to Part two