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anxiety for ten days. blah
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the act of writing
I find it so difficult. Confrontation, self-awareness, transparency. These secret anxieties. I have hit a wall. Even therapy scares me. Living terrifies me. Growing older makes me panic.
Not seeing my daughter for weeks at a time has put out a light in me. I try to make sense of it, but there is no fight left. He has taken from me the best of my ( Read more... ) -
A decade of accomplishments
part 2 ( Read more... ) -
a decade of accomplishments
Therapy this week consisted of me bouncing all over, but trying to stay focused on the positive. Weight fluctuations and starting smoking again were minor, Paisley & my relationship changes, as well as creating a career were big ones. I was given this assignment. i take a lot of photos so i can remember the events in my life since my memory is ( Read more... ) -
when i thought *it* was out there
the danger in being smart is realizing you aren't that smart. this takes a moderate amount of intelligence as well. it's a terrifying feeling sometimes. i usually wake up and stare at walls and try to make sense of how lonely my life is at the moment. i write in a physical journal that is mainly concrete evidence i am still breathing. it's ( Read more... ) -
today
Today I'm sitting on my studio deck and listening to the birds. I am trying to imagine that the birdsongs are you sending me secret messages. It is sad that the mother and the daughter would have to communicate through birdsongs when she is 11 and I'm 38, but somehow it makes me smile.
Dogs are sleeping, the wind is moving the leaves I have been ( Read more... ) -
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Goddesses such as myself don't shack up with lesbians. I adore women, but, honey I only marry flaming queers or British.
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Voice update check
I was hoping that I could update by speaking so were going to give it a go. I have terrible anxiety. I am not feeling very well in my tummy. I am moving into my new home in seven days. My house is there and I am very stressed. Paul will be here in 14 days. And currently I am battling a custody and visitation situation. So it stands to reason that ( Read more... ) -
at the library
Reading the new Artforum at the local public library. I have come to realize what shit the world is. I've really done nothing more than just try to understand the world, but I keep coming back to the conclusion that it's not my whole bag, baby. to try and understand art and an artist life is fucking stupid. pointless. I'll do the motions of the ( Read more... ) -
had I died?
With the very real probability that my writing had, yes, I suppose i had. I am still the prefuse of a chaotic web, much like the internet itself. Warbled words, jumbled pictures, memes and sexual proclivities. but what you might not know is that I tried to commit suicide last year. I had to call 911 and the house was full of emergency responders ( Read more... )