today
Today I'm sitting on my studio deck and listening to the birds. I am trying to imagine that the birdsongs are you sending me secret messages. It is sad that the mother and the daughter would have to communicate through birdsongs when she is 11 and I'm 38, but somehow it makes me smile.
Dogs are sleeping, the wind is moving the leaves I have been writing, clipping coupons and drinking coffee. Par for the Sunday morning course. I'm trying to maintain the schedule -the same one that you know that I always keep; writing my morning pages making breakfast taking the dogs out ...it helps.
I have been writing to you in my journal but today I thought I would start to at least try more than just the journal-- that I would have to speak into my phone these words and have the journal app translate them into actual words on paper for you so that someday you might know whenever I thought of you... and I could do it right from my phone. it would be easier, I thought.
But it's hard to say all the things I feel out loud. It's hard for me to admit you're not here with me and that someone is actually keeping you from me and that person is half of you. I can't explain the anger or the hurt.
What I can explain is that I love you and I miss you. Every day I think of you. Every day I water the flowers that you still haven't seen and I think of you. Every day I clean and decorate the house that you still haven't been allowed to visit. Every day I wonder if something will change miraculously you'll show up and we can start bonding again.
It has been six months and I have seen you less than 24 hours total and it may be even closer to 14 or 15 hours at this point. I have tried to block the absence from my mind which is selfish but easier and helps me to stay focused so that I'm strong for you. I am trying to stay strong so that when you do come to see me I won't be upset or cry even though I know when I do see you, that may happen.
I never imagined in 100 years this would be something I have to do in order to stay close to you - so that one day you would understand that I didn't abandon you.
I am not sure that it even helps or that you will ever even read this. it could all be over next month or it could be like a year ago when you got to come stay with me all summer -and then he changed his mind again. That's the hardest thing is that your entire life nothing has been very consistent for you and both of your parents are to blame for that. I am truly sorry for my part in that as well.
Anyway my plan today is to finish the kitchen which I am decorating in cherries and strawberries and different British things. Then I would like to work in the studio for a while and draw and make some jewelry. I'm alone except for the 3 chihuahuas -but I have hundreds and hundreds of trees out here on the deck ...and the birds of course. Just a block away in the "rain forest" (as you called it when I showed you the pool) there are kids always laughing and splashing and sometimes it makes me sad, but I try and smile when I hear the kids laugh.
I hope that you are laughing or at least singing your heart's song... knowing that I love you and this isn't your fault or my fault. I hope that you can grow up knowing that your mom loves you and even though she was tired of fighting and she felt really bad about how things are, you can come to me someday and know I will always love you with open arms and I will always be your mom. Some people may not think that I am the best mom but it doesn't matter what people think. it only matters what you feel and how you love me I love you that is all that matters.
You are the most important kid in the world to me. no kid will ever take your place. no one will ever be more special or more loved by me-or more important. You are a very rare and special little girl -and you're going to be a rare & special teenager and a rare and special woman.
someday, We will sit together and watch the color purple and I'm going to point out to you the things I love about celie surviving, what they mean and how that movie right now keeps me strong and keeps me going. Celie is one of the most special characters of all time and her story reminds me an awful lot of my own. Then there is Shug Avery. She is also part of my story. I got a yellow dress & a big song to sing to you some day. You'll understand why... when you're able to sit with me- you'll know how it's possible to be Celie *and* Shug. The Color Purple shows how love overcomes all... & sometimes happy changes come through miserable events. Alice Walker (your middle name, Alice, is after her) tells a great story of female survival.
So while you come to me in birdsongs, in the wind in the trees and the colors of flowers -and I know that you're out there ...I want you to know that i'm here when you see Cardinals and when you see flowers and trees or kids laughing ...when you feel sad or when you're doing art...you know that half of you is me -we are forever bonded nothing. will ever change it.
please hold on to that when you get sad or miss me & can't see me. Please remember you come from love, nature, a mom who cares & trusts your thoughts & feelings... you come from joy & beauty.