Comments | roseletters: [Pinstripes] Wolf

roseletters

[Pinstripes] Wolf

Nov 28, 2009 19:59

Title: Wolf
Story/Character: Pinstripes / Seth, Elijah
Rating: PG-13 (violence)
word count: 1,587

Written for the brigits_flame prompt of "guns".

* * * * *

( The Ancestors were weeping in the Heavens, bitter ice tears dashed down against the earth below where frozen bits clattered against brick and steel with the sound of rattled bones. )

fic:scene, story:pinstripes

Comments 15

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roseletters November 29 2009, 01:05:04 UTC

heh! Given the timestamp on this I was a leeeeetle bit rushed. It's sounding very rough to me and will probably need re-addressing later. =P (but at least it's prettier now!)

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roseletters November 29 2009, 01:12:42 UTC

I had a "oh, I've got plenty of time!" and then "Oh, I've still got hours to finish this!" and then "oh #$%^! this isn't working!" followed by "#$%^*&! Seth-you-bastard I've re-written the beginning of this FOUR TIMES, pick one!" x___x argh. stupid words.

(Seth has learned the value of efficiency. And patience and restraint. The less waste the better.)

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darthneko November 30 2009, 02:11:01 UTC

Thank you!

so_wordy November 30 2009, 01:40:51 UTC

I love the detail in your language: your metaphors are seamless! My particular favorite was the "wolf" one, because you demonstrated "Seth" as a weak character at first, but later on you showed us (the reader/s)who he was in his past, and who he could still be.

The flow of your final paragraph trips me up a bit. You can try something like:

When they return he will be leading them, triumphant. Their enemies are charred remains, and that, he thinks, will make Elijah pleased. He is a wolf, but he is also Elijah's, and he will gladly be the gun in his master's hand.

I'm not sure if this is a standalone piece or part of something larger. In either case, I really enjoyed it!

darthneko November 30 2009, 02:10:45 UTC

Thank you! It's part of an ongoing storyline, but it's told from the pov of multiple characters so each character's portions sort of stand alone. I'm glad you liked it! And thank you for the help - I was writing that last paragraph at 7:58 with the deadline at 8:00 so it came out just a little rushed! ^_^

so_wordy November 30 2009, 04:06:14 UTC

The multiple character pov is such a hard thing to pull off--you're brave!

You got it in and that's what counts. I would have been afraid the internet would have crashed; you cut it close!

Good luck! I look forward to reading more! :)

cedarwolfsinger November 30 2009, 18:27:32 UTC

Well written piece. I like the contrast from lapdog to wolf. I think he has never really been a lapdog, I think Elijah knows that...

lacombe December 2 2009, 01:59:04 UTC

Excellent buildup. I saw one quick error:

He didn't, he think, even recognize his own voice.

"thought", I believe, is the correct tense here.