i like the content, but i have a bit or problem with the flow. some of it has a very precise rhythm to it, which i think is something you do naturally. then i expect more rhythm in the next line and feel taken out of it when it doesn't keep a meter. for example "thoughts that coalesce / into a raw and biting mess" both rhyme and have the same number of beats. which makes me feel startled when the next two lines don't rhyme. you could also do aaba and sanity not rhyme but my sense of timing craves a rhyme on the 4th because of the precedent you established.
same thing with "you have got to go / take all your vicious blows." You've got a strong habitual iambic triameter that keeps cropping up - why not go with it?
did you go look up the song? go look up the song - it's better done than my silly pathetic attempt at poetry - i don't usually write poetry anyway - this was actually a freewrite composed on my phone at like 8am that day
i kind of like it how it is, but it could use some polishing - i'll post the revised version if/when i get it done (recall the memory/focus/lazy comment)
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i like the content, but i have a bit or problem with the flow. some of it has a very precise rhythm to it, which i think is something you do naturally. then i expect more rhythm in the next line and feel taken out of it when it doesn't keep a meter. for example "thoughts that coalesce / into a raw and biting mess" both rhyme and have the same number of beats. which makes me feel startled when the next two lines don't rhyme. you could also do aaba and sanity not rhyme but my sense of timing craves a rhyme on the 4th because of the precedent you established.
same thing with "you have got to go / take all your vicious blows." You've got a strong habitual iambic triameter that keeps cropping up - why not go with it?
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its like ending on a leading note. my ear WANTS you to resolve to the tonic.
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go look up the song - it's better done than my silly pathetic attempt at poetry - i don't usually write poetry anyway - this was actually a freewrite composed on my phone at like 8am that day
i kind of like it how it is, but it could use some polishing - i'll post the revised version if/when i get it done (recall the memory/focus/lazy comment)
Reply
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