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My father’s secretary was visibly distraught one morning when she arrived at the office and explained that her children’s parrot had escaped from his cage and flown out an open window. Of all the dangers the tame bird would face outdoors alone, she seemed most concerned about what would happen if the bird started talking ( Read more... )

When my daughter and I caught only one perch on our fishing trip-not enough for even a modest lunch-we decided to feed it to her two cats. She put our catch in their dish and watched as the two pampered pets sniffed at the fish but refused to eat it ( Read more... )

A woman walked into my aunt’s animal shelter wanting to have her cat and six kittens spayed and neutered.

“Is the mother friendly?” my aunt asked.

“Very,” said the woman, casting an eye on all the pet carriers. “That’s how we got into this mess in the first place.”

Does kitty dream of slinking down the catwalk? If so, give her a name that screams “I’m a star!” Like these actual pet names …

Cats
Cleocatra
Bing Clawsby
Chairman Meow
Alexander the Grey

Dogs
Mary-Louise Barker
Bettie Poops
Virginia Woof
Iggy Pup

A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art."

"Really," answered the neighbor, "What kind is it?"

"Twelve thirty."

Generic looking green van parked across the street with Notre Dame bumper sticker.
Every time you turn around the pitter-pattering stops and that green fire hydrant seems to have gotten a little closer.
Green lipstick marks on the butt of your Dockers.
You're being followed by a large woman with a sultry voice and a dying career. (Oops! That's a ( Read more... )

I had laryngitis and finally decided to go to the doctor. After the nurse called for me, she asked for my age. "Forty-nine," I whispered. "Don't worry," she whispered back, "I won'ttell anyone."

Driving back from Vermont, I stopped at a vegetable stand. It was deserted except for a sleeping German shepherd. I stepped over the dog, helped myself to some corn, then opened the cashbox to pay.

Taped to the inside of the lid was this note: "The dog can count."

After hearing a sermon on Psalm 52:3-4 (lies and deceit), a man wrote the IRS, “I can’t sleep knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. Enclosed is a check for $150. If 
I still can’t sleep, I’ll send the rest.”