[FIC] Never Again Part 18
Title: Never Again
Parts: 18/?
Rating: PG-13, AU
Pairing: YunJaeHo, Yoosu, Jaechun (friendship), Minsu (friendship)
Disclaimers and warnings: I don’t own TVXQ. Character death.
Chapter: 01. 02. 03. 04. 05. 06. 07. 08. 09. 10. 11. 12. 13. 14. 15. 16. 17.
A movie was playing. Jaejoong starred in it. He was running across the long stretch of sand of an anonymous beach. His short hair flew in the wind as he called out a name at the top of his lungs.
Yunho had imagined his chest to be like the sands of that beach, where someone had scooped out a handful of it and left a hole there. And then he imagined the water of the ocean coming in and gradually bringing more sand into it, until the hole was filled. Until it even looked like there hadn't been a hole there to begin with.
For Yunho, that was how it felt like to be with Jaejoong.
Yunho groaned and buried his face in Jaejoong’s hair, embarrassed for his thoughts. Jaejoong would definitely laugh at him.
"What's wrong?" Jaejoong asked.
"Nothing, ignore me." He muttered.
Hoping to distract Jaejoong before he inquired any further, Yunho lifted his head and pointed out something he had noticed while watching the movie.
"Your hair’s longer.”
“Is it?” Jaejoong reached up and pulled along the length of his hair. The ends fell from his fingertips and brushed against the collar of his sweater. “Huh. I guess it is.”
They sat on Yunho’s living room floor, with a comforter covering their laps. Jaejoong sat in front of Yunho, his back resting against Yunho’s chest. It was snowing outside.
Most days, if Yunho wasn’t working, he was with Jaejoong. Somehow, the everyday matters of his life had shifted around and made room for Jaejoong just as easily and naturally as...Yunho smirked, hair growth. He combed his fingers through Jaejoong’s hair and then stretched his thumb and index finger outward to see how much it had grown. He smiled to himself. It was a little unbelievable to think that he’d known Jaejoong for that amount of time already.
“When was the last time you had it cut?” Yunho asked.
Jaejoong’s shoulders drew up in a careless shrug.
“I don’t remember.” Jaejoong answered in that tone Yunho had learned meant he didn’t want to.
He brought his arms closer around Jaejoong's waist and pressed his cheek against the back of Jaejoong's head. “Are you going to keep it this way?”
Jaejoong was quiet for a bit, seeming to be paying attention to the screen. During a lull in the movie, when all that could be heard was the crashing waves of the ocean, he asked Yunho, “Do you like it?”
Yunho straightened at the unexpected question. He brought his hand from around Jaejoong's waist and picked out a lock of hair from the bunch.
“Does…that matter?” He asked carefully.
Jaejoong remained still, and then he nodded his head.
"Oh," Yunho hid the goofy smile threatening to split his face. He parted the dark strands of hair covering Jaejoong’s neck and placed a soft kiss on the exposed skin, planting the goofy smile there.
“Then…Maybe keep it like this for now, so it keeps your neck warm,” He suggested.
“Okay,”
“…Really?” Yunho asked, gently grasping Jaejoong’s chin and turning his head to the side so that their gazes met.
“Really?” He asked again to make sure.
Jaejoong chuckled.
“What if I asked you to cut it tomorrow?” Yunho tested.
Jaejoong frowned. “Then I’ll cut it tomorrow.”
“Oh.” He got his breath taken away. “Ah, but!” He added flustered. “Don’t cut it, you’ll be cold.”
And Jaejoong was looking very amused.
“Okay, I won’t. It’s just hair.”
Yunho nodded slowly. “Yeah, I know. You’re right. But, um, keep it like this for now,” He said softly, almost shyly, “So you won’t be cold.”
Jaejoong smiled at him.
“Okay,”
“R-really?”
In the end, Jaejoong did laugh at him, even if it's for a slightly different reason.
On the television screen, Jaejoong’s character stood knee-deep in the waters of the anonymous beach. He held his hand out to the person standing a few feet away from him. His skin was tinted a rusty sunset by the sinking day. His fingers were turned up just so, almost as if he held a heart in his open palm, and rushing just beneath his fingertips is the salty and unending waves of the ocean.
“Do you miss it?” Yunho asked while he poured tea into a cup. Once it was filled, he slid it across the kitchen island to Jaejoong.
“Miss what?” Jaejoong asked, accepting the hot drink.
Yunho grabbed another cup from the shelves behind him and then poured some tea for himself as well.
“Acting,” He clarified, nodding his head toward the living room where the next movie was put on pause.
Jaejoong shrugged and rested his forearms on the island’s surface. He spun his cup slowly, its bottom making tiny scraping noises. “A little, I guess. Like how you miss something you used to do.”
Yunho frowned. “You’re not going to do it anymore?”
Jaejoong kept his gaze on the cooling tea, and then gave another unhelpful shrug.
“Jaejoong…” Yunho began to ask, concerned, but at the sound of his name, Jaejoong looked up, and smiled in a pleased way.
Yunho’s cheeks felt hot, his entire face did. It was as if someone had placed a glass bowl over his head and the heat got trapped inside.
Jaejoong moved around the kitchen island so that he stood in front of Yunho. With that smile still on his lips, he rested their foreheads together.
“Say that again?” He asked of Yunho, his voice soft.
Feeling the heat of his cheeks spread further outward and hoping he doesn't melt through the floor, Yunho indulged him.
“Jaejoong,” He whispered against Jaejoong’s approaching mouth.
“Again,” Jaejoong said, his eyes falling close. He brought his arms around Yunho’s neck. His shirt rode up.
Yunho wrapped his arms around Jaejoong and pulled him toward his body, his fingers caressing toned and heated skin.
“Jaejoong…” Yunho repeated, closing his eyes too.
Jaejoong made a pleased sound as he kissed Yunho’s lips softly. He brushed their noses together--nuzzling and then kissed him again.
And then at the wet press of Jaejoong’s tongue against his lips, Yunho complied and parted them. Gently, he sucked Jaejoong’s warm tongue into his mouth. It moved and slid against his own in just that way that made his body stiffen, and feel like his bones had turned to liquid at the same time.
He shivered from Jaejoong’s kisses, lost his breath for them. Sucking in some air, he pulled Jaejoong closer, maybe because he’d morph out of shape and condense into the cold air, if he didn’t hold onto him tightly enough.
Jaejoong pulled away for a second, seeming breathless himself. “Again, Yunho...” He gasped against Yunho's mouth.
“Jaejoongah,” Yunho moaned as Jaejoong’s mouth once again robbed his ability to think and he forgot to ask why Jaejoong didn’t want to act anymore.
The early winter weather persisted and it was snowing almost everyday. There was frost on his windows, if he looked closely, he could see the tiny snowflakes trapped and frozen against the glass. The sound of things seemed more muffled in the winter, maybe because of the snow. It covered things behind half-closed eyelids and unsmiling lips. Things like feelings and thoughts. It made Yunho nervous.
As the snow fell sullenly from the sky, it made button-sized shadows on the floor and across Jaejoong’s body.
Yunho sat by Jaejoong, a blanket around his shoulders, while Jaejoong was lying down on the comforter on the floor. By the balcony door, so close to the glass, they could smell the cold.
Jaejoong’s eyes remained fixed on the falling snowflakes outside. Sometimes, when Jaejoong was like this, it felt like nothing could touch him, not even Yunho.
Yunho followed the dark spots moving across Jaejoong’s skin, on his sweater, on his face. He went from counting them quietly to just watching Jaejoong. Right now, he was watching Jaejoong make that face again.
“What are you thinking about?” Yunho asked.
“Thinking about you.” Jaejoong answered quickly.
Yunho chuckled. “Liar.”
A tiny smile graced Jaejoong’s lips. “You can’t prove that.”
“What if I can?” Yunho reached out and tugged at the blanket on top of Jaejoong, so that it covered more of him.
“How will you prove it?”
Removing his hand from the blanket, Yunho sought out Jaejoong's hand. He missed him, seeming so far away.
“I can guess what you were really thinking of instead.”
The smile on Jaejoong’s lips turned down a little. He took a deep cleansing breath. He looked a little tired. Yunho wondered where he was, watching the snow fall like that.
“I was thinking…about having a snowball fight.” Jaejoong explained.
Yunho smiled at the idea.
“All five of us. You and I on the same team. Junsu, Changmin, and Yoochun in the other.”
Yunho leaned forward. “Who would win?”
Jaejoong grinned and finally turned his head to meet Yunho’s eyes. “Not us.”
Yunho laughed.
“You weren’t really thinking about me then.” He confirmed, once his laughter gave way to silence.
“I was.” Jaejoong insisted.
Yunho raised an eyebrow, playfully unconvinced.
“I was thinking of how you would be the first one down, because you would show off too much, and we’d lose immediately.”
Yunho snorted. “But you’d still be there to guard the fort.”
Jaejoong shook his head grimly. “Our defeat would be swift and pathetic.”
Yunho mirrored the grin on Jaejoong’s face. They've begun making these, memories with Yoochun in them. The memories probably hurt Jaejoong more than it did him, but they also made Jaejoong smile, which was the most important thing.
“In the spring...let’s go to the beach.” Jaejoong suggested.
Yunho hid his surprise and nodded his head instead. “We can do that. Stay for a couple of days. Watch the sun rise. What do you think?”
“Sounds good.” Jaejoong smiled up at him.
Yunho opened his mouth to say something more when the phone rang from down the hall and interrupted him.
“I’ll be back,” He said, squeezing Jaejoong’s hand before letting go.
He jogged down the hallway and answered the call on the third ring.
“Hello? Oh, hey Changminah, what is it?”
He listened to Changmin’s voice on the other line, nodded, and then spoke up when he realized Changmin couldn’t see him. Changmin asked him if they had needed anything, since he and Junsu were in the grocery store. Yunho recalled what they had run out off and listed them off for Changmin. Three minutes into the call, he heard the sound of the balcony door sliding open. He paused and looked down the hallway, Changmin was asking him something.
“I think we have some more of that,” Yunho said as he waited for any more sounds to come from the living room. He strained his ears, but there was nothing. On the other end of the line, he could hear the noise of the grocery store; people and cash registers. He could hear Junsu talking to Changmin.
“Changminah,” Yunho bit his bottom lip. “Let me call you back, okay?”
He had hung up even before Changmin had a chance to reply. His feet hit the floorboards a little too loud as he quickly made his way back to the living room. He didn’t know why it felt like his heart was at his throat, but the feeling just made him walk faster.
“Jaejoongah?” He called as he took a quick turn and stepped into the living room.
Jaejoong stood by the open balcony door. The cool winter air had seeped inside the room and made it cold. Yunho swallowed his heart back down to its proper place.
Sometimes...
“Hey,” He smiled carefully when Jaejoong turned around to face him. “Aren’t you cold?”
He reached out and pulled Jaejoong into a hug as soon as he was close enough, shivering at how cold Jaejoong had become.
Yunho rested his chin on Jaejoong’s shoulder as he held him, his quiet sigh of relief escaping into the cold air.
“What is it?” Jaejoong asked. “Did something happen?”
Yunho shook his head and smiled even though Jaejoong couldn’t see. “Changmin called. He was asking if we needed anything. They’re on their way. They just stopped by the grocery store.”
“Oh,” Jaejoong said. He drew his arms around Yunho too and held him closer. “You okay? You’re shaking.”
Yunho tried a chuckle, but it came out a little strangled. “Just cold. Can we close this?” He moved away from their embrace and looked at Jaejoong.
Jaejoong’s eyes, a little darker than usual, searched his. Yunho smiled reassuringly and Jaejoong slid the balcony door close.
Sometimes, when there was too much snow, he couldn’t hear his thoughts too. But he heard fragments. Sweet things, but also scary things, like different ways he could lose Jaejoong.
Their official second date didn’t turn out as Yunho had planned. In his excitement, he forgot that other than him and Jaejoong, and Changmin and Junsu too, that other people had existed, and that to them, Jaejoong was quite well-known. They didn’t end up skating.
Jaejoong held a cup of hot chocolate to his lips. The steam from the drink rose around him and was quickly blown away by the frigid wind. Snow from the tree’s branches drifted around them and added to the pile that was starting to collect on their coats and hair.
Sitting back on the park bench, Yunho captured all this with his camera phone, tilting here and there so that he could fit as much of Jaejoong and most of the background into the small frame.
“How’s your hot chocolate, Kim Jaejoong-sshi?” He asked, mimicking an interviewer’s voice.
Jaejoong smiled as he glanced sideways at him. “It’s pretty good. Kinda sweet, though.”
Yunho shifted in his seat and tried to capture the sun shining behind Jaejoong, so that his hair was a little golden around the edges.
“Sorry,”
Jaejoong moved, and for a second, all Yunho had was the sun shining into the frame, and then he found Jaejoong again.
“You’re forgiven.” Jaejoong winked at him. He reached for the phone. The shadow of his hand made everything black.
Yunho surrendered the phone to Jaejoong's clutches and suddenly, Jaejoong was the cameraman and he was the one being filmed.
Yunho looked a little self-consciously at the tiny camera recording every movement he made. He asked, “How do you look so calm in front of all those cameras?”
“Hmmm,” Jaejoong looked thoughtful as he moved the phone close to Yunho’s eyes, zooming in, and then downward to capture his lips and then lower to capture his fingers holding his cup of hot chocolate.
“You get used to it, I guess. Or maybe you have to naturally like to be in front of a camera…Crave it, you know? Actually,” He informed Yunho, “I have no idea what I’m talking about.”
Yunho laughed and Jaejoong made sure to capture that too. For his next question, Yunho looked beyond the lense and into the cameraman’s eyes.
The memory of his voice in the kitchen a few days ago overlapped his voice now.
“Do you miss it?” He asked once again.
“Miss what?” Jaejoong stalled.
“Being in front of a camera.”
Jaejoong looked at him, quietly recording.
Yunho was about to take the question back when Jaejoong turned the phone over so that he filmed himself. He smiled into it and then flipped it close.
“I do.” He answered Yunho’s question at last. “Yeah, I do,” He repeated for himself.
“Then,” Yunho watched him. “Why don’t you start making movies again?”
"Hm," Jaejoong nodded, a bitter smile tugging at his lips. “Because that would be cheating, I think.”
“Because…,” Jaejoong murmured. “It wouldn't be fair if I’m having fun and he’s not.”
“But Junsu--” Yunho began to say.
“Junsu, can do whatever he wants!” Jaejoong said and then looked at Yunho worriedly, fearing that he had answered a little too sharply.
Yunho smiled encouragingly at him and just listened.
“I…can do whatever I want to as well. And it’s not that I want to stop making movies. It’s just that,” Jaejoong lowered his gaze. “Making movies, I had thought it was something we would do together, Yoochun and I, until we got sick of it and then we’d move on and do something else. But always together...”
Jaejoong smiled bitterly. “It’s not fun to make movies alone.”
Yunho nodded his head, and let Jaejoong's explanation sink in.
After a while, “…Hey,” Jaejoong nudged Yunho’s feet with his. “As my fan, what would you like me to do?”
Yunho smiled softly and nudged him back. “To make movies again.”
“As my friend?”
“Hmm," Yunho hummed. "To do whatever would make you happy.”
Jaejoong scuffed at the frozen ground soundly.
“As my...”
Yunho waited, but Jaejoong fell silent. He looked away from Jaejoong’s feet and found that Jaejoong was looking elsewhere. He stared at the back of Jaejoong’s head, at the flakes of snow clinging to the dark strands. Yunho thought about it.
“Same answer. For you to do whatever would make you happy.”
Jaejoong acknowledge his answer with a nod.
“Happiness…That’s,” Jaejoong scoffed. “Happiness, huh?” He sighed the word as he looked up at the winter sky. The seconds that passed, trickled by slowly, sluggishly, like water freezing.
“You know what I was wondering the other day?”
Yunho remembered Jaejoong standing by the balcony door, his skin cold and his eyes dark.
“What?” He asked.
“It just got me thinking, you know? There are all these good things...Even though he--I was wondering if I was allowed to have that...Happiness. I was wondering,” Jaejoong said as he turned away from the winter sky and looked into Yunho’s eyes, “I was wondering if I was allowed to have you, Yunho.”
In that moment, Yunho wondered if oceans could freeze as suddenly as his heart had. If tides had ever receded and never returned.
The wind was picking up, the temperature was dropping. Yunho could feel it in his bones, in his chest. The wind blew through him and froze the selfish words he wanted to speak.
It was piling up, his fears.
They stood in the spiraling stairwell of Yunho’s apartment building. Light from outside, fractured and cold, filtered in through the large windows situated on each floor.
It was snowing again. There were those pebble-sized shadows once more. This time they spotted the wall Jaejoong leaned against as Yunho covered his shivering body with his own.
Yunho sought Jaejoong’s lips, they still trembled from the cold. He kissed them softly, unhurriedly, pulling the bottom lip into his mouth, letting go, and then kissing Jaejoong fully, feeling Jaejoong kiss back.
Then his mouth traveled downward, to kiss along the length of Jaejoong’s neck. He sucked on it lightly, licking at the strong pulse, felt it beat against his tongue. Shifting closer, he reached up and buried his fingers into Jaejoong’s hair. It was damp from melted snow.
Jaejoong's breath hitched, his fingers gripped Yunho’s coat.
It was all Yunho could hear. Sound was leaving, everything was leaving, everything but Jaejoong. The snow, the steps, the wall, the slowly descending spots of shadows were melting away, dissipating into something that didn’t matter. All that mattered were the hush and rustle of their moving bodies, Jaejoong’s gasps in the thinning air, Jaejoong’s taste on his tongue.
Yunho took a deep breath and kissed Jaejoong’s neck tenderly before moving up to kiss him on the lips again, and then he pulled away just enough to look into Jaejoong’s eyes. They were closed and he waited for them to open. When they did, Yunho was a little terrified at the darkness of them, at the quiet pull of them. They weren’t dark like any color he could name. They were dark like the bottom of the ocean that he’d never seen, fathomless and life-changing.
And then his knees gave out.
“What the--?” Yunho gasped just as Jaejoong caught him and his face got buried against Jaejoong’s chest.
He made no sudden movements. He shook his legs out to make sure there wasn’t anything wrong with them. They seemed perfectly fine.
There came a rumbling sound from Jaejoong’s chest. It grew louder and louder, and then Jaejoong was laughing. It was a loud and freeing sound. It shattered the silence of the stairwell. Jaejoong's body shook so much from laughing that he wasn’t able to stand and hold Yunho up anymore. His back started to slide down the wall, and then they were a messy heap of arms and legs on the cold steps.
Yunho sat up and glared at Jaejoong.
Jaejoong met his glare and covered his mouth to try to smother the laughter, but a few peals and wheezes still managed to escape.
“Stop laughing. It wasn’t that funny.” He poked Jaejoong’s cheek and pouted accordingly. “Shouldn’t you be concerned instead? My legs gave out.”
That set off another series of laughter.
Yunho snorted and had to admit it was sort of funny, albeit embarrassing. Definitely, positively embarrassing.
Jaejoong’s amusement faded eventually. It slowed down to a few more snickers and then it finally settled into a quiet and delighted smile.
“What?” Yunho was afraid to ask.
“I made you weak in the knees.” Jaejoong grinned.
Yunho found that cheek again and poked it. “Bet you can't do it twice."
Jaejoong seemed to be up for the challenge, judging from the interesting smile he was wearing.
Yunho shook his head and continued to watch Jaejoong quietly.
Jaejoong seemed to catch on to his mood and tilted his head in question. “What?”
“You’re happy, right?”
He had braced himself, but it still scared him when Jaejoong’s smile slipped a little.
Jaejoong gave a short and cautious nod.
“Then,” Yunho asked, as he sought and held Jaejoong’s gaze like the other man had done earlier that day.
His knees felt weird, like there was an invisible force pushing against it. Like moving water. He took a deep breath. It was as if he held his hand out, his heart on his open palm, while the engulfing waters of the ocean rushed just beneath his fingertips. He could drop his heart, and drown. It felt just like that.
“Then, if you’re happy…even if just a little…being with me. Don’t you think that would be alright?”
Jaejoong seemed to wilt and Yunho had caught his troubled expression just before he looked away.
Yunho’s question hung in the air. His palm was wet, despite the coldness around them.
Yunho didn't stop watching Jaejoong. He watched as a soft, yet bittersweet kind of smile formed on Jaejoong’s lips. It was a stifling sight.
And then after what felt like a small eternity, Jaejoong sighed, and said nothing. He quietly took Yunho’s hand in his, helped him to his feet, and pulled him forward as he started to climb the stairs. Yunho frowned at Jaejoong’s silent back, but he still moved his legs and followed suit.
Their footsteps echoed as they climbed past the floors of his apartment building. Each harrowing sound seemed to count the seconds of silence between them.
Yunho gritted his teeth, clenched his hand, and then suddenly remembered that he had been holding Jaejoong’s hand and looked down at how strongly he was holding onto him. But Jaejoong didn’t let go.
“Jaejoongah?” He called.
Yunho remembered what he had told Changmin those months ago. He remembered making up that person, making sure there was no such person in existence. If they didn’t exist then he couldn’t hold onto that person. But…
Jaejoong stopped climbing up the stairs and remained silent.
..What if he found that person?
Jaejoong glanced down at him with that same bittersweet smile.
…And Yunho still couldn’t hold onto him?
“Want to help me count?” Jaejoong asked softly.
“Count what?” Yunho began to loosen his hold on Jaejoong’s hand. He looked away from that gaze, that smile.
“My happiness.” He heard Jaejoong say.
“I don’t understand,” Yunho whispered.
“Well,” Jaejoong began as he moved down to the same step that Yunho occupied. He slowly wrapped his arms around Yunho’s chest, and embraced him. His hands curling around and gripping the fabric of Yunho's coat. "Because,” He whispered shakily against Yunho’s ear, “We’re actually speaking about quite a bit of happiness here, Yunho, being with you. I’m not sure if I’m allowed to have this much... So maybe” He suggested conspiringly, “if you made me angry at you a little, then I won’t be so happy.”
Yunho seemed to surface from something heavy that had been pulling him down and then the frown that had started, eased away. Yunho smiled against Jaejoong’s shoulder. He moved his arms stiffly, a bit unsure, and hugged Jaejoong in return.
“I’ll try my best to make you angry.” He held Jaejoong tighter. “I’ll cook you dinner once we get upstairs and I guarantee that you would not be impressed.”
Jaejoong chuckled against his ear.
Yunho squeezed his eyes shut. “I’ll make you wash the dishes alone.”
He could feel Jaejoong’s body shake with more laughter. “And then I’ll use the cup you just washed and add it to the pile again.”
Jaejoong squeezed just as tightly, hiding his face against Yunho’s neck. “You better.” He threatened.
Yunho nodded and held onto Jaejoong.
“I promise.”
Thank you for reading.
Parts: 18/?
Rating: PG-13, AU
Pairing: YunJaeHo, Yoosu, Jaechun (friendship), Minsu (friendship)
Disclaimers and warnings: I don’t own TVXQ. Character death.
Chapter: 01. 02. 03. 04. 05. 06. 07. 08. 09. 10. 11. 12. 13. 14. 15. 16. 17.
A movie was playing. Jaejoong starred in it. He was running across the long stretch of sand of an anonymous beach. His short hair flew in the wind as he called out a name at the top of his lungs.
Yunho had imagined his chest to be like the sands of that beach, where someone had scooped out a handful of it and left a hole there. And then he imagined the water of the ocean coming in and gradually bringing more sand into it, until the hole was filled. Until it even looked like there hadn't been a hole there to begin with.
For Yunho, that was how it felt like to be with Jaejoong.
Yunho groaned and buried his face in Jaejoong’s hair, embarrassed for his thoughts. Jaejoong would definitely laugh at him.
"What's wrong?" Jaejoong asked.
"Nothing, ignore me." He muttered.
Hoping to distract Jaejoong before he inquired any further, Yunho lifted his head and pointed out something he had noticed while watching the movie.
"Your hair’s longer.”
“Is it?” Jaejoong reached up and pulled along the length of his hair. The ends fell from his fingertips and brushed against the collar of his sweater. “Huh. I guess it is.”
They sat on Yunho’s living room floor, with a comforter covering their laps. Jaejoong sat in front of Yunho, his back resting against Yunho’s chest. It was snowing outside.
Most days, if Yunho wasn’t working, he was with Jaejoong. Somehow, the everyday matters of his life had shifted around and made room for Jaejoong just as easily and naturally as...Yunho smirked, hair growth. He combed his fingers through Jaejoong’s hair and then stretched his thumb and index finger outward to see how much it had grown. He smiled to himself. It was a little unbelievable to think that he’d known Jaejoong for that amount of time already.
“When was the last time you had it cut?” Yunho asked.
Jaejoong’s shoulders drew up in a careless shrug.
“I don’t remember.” Jaejoong answered in that tone Yunho had learned meant he didn’t want to.
He brought his arms closer around Jaejoong's waist and pressed his cheek against the back of Jaejoong's head. “Are you going to keep it this way?”
Jaejoong was quiet for a bit, seeming to be paying attention to the screen. During a lull in the movie, when all that could be heard was the crashing waves of the ocean, he asked Yunho, “Do you like it?”
Yunho straightened at the unexpected question. He brought his hand from around Jaejoong's waist and picked out a lock of hair from the bunch.
“Does…that matter?” He asked carefully.
Jaejoong remained still, and then he nodded his head.
"Oh," Yunho hid the goofy smile threatening to split his face. He parted the dark strands of hair covering Jaejoong’s neck and placed a soft kiss on the exposed skin, planting the goofy smile there.
“Then…Maybe keep it like this for now, so it keeps your neck warm,” He suggested.
“Okay,”
“…Really?” Yunho asked, gently grasping Jaejoong’s chin and turning his head to the side so that their gazes met.
“Really?” He asked again to make sure.
Jaejoong chuckled.
“What if I asked you to cut it tomorrow?” Yunho tested.
Jaejoong frowned. “Then I’ll cut it tomorrow.”
“Oh.” He got his breath taken away. “Ah, but!” He added flustered. “Don’t cut it, you’ll be cold.”
And Jaejoong was looking very amused.
“Okay, I won’t. It’s just hair.”
Yunho nodded slowly. “Yeah, I know. You’re right. But, um, keep it like this for now,” He said softly, almost shyly, “So you won’t be cold.”
Jaejoong smiled at him.
“Okay,”
“R-really?”
In the end, Jaejoong did laugh at him, even if it's for a slightly different reason.
On the television screen, Jaejoong’s character stood knee-deep in the waters of the anonymous beach. He held his hand out to the person standing a few feet away from him. His skin was tinted a rusty sunset by the sinking day. His fingers were turned up just so, almost as if he held a heart in his open palm, and rushing just beneath his fingertips is the salty and unending waves of the ocean.
“Do you miss it?” Yunho asked while he poured tea into a cup. Once it was filled, he slid it across the kitchen island to Jaejoong.
“Miss what?” Jaejoong asked, accepting the hot drink.
Yunho grabbed another cup from the shelves behind him and then poured some tea for himself as well.
“Acting,” He clarified, nodding his head toward the living room where the next movie was put on pause.
Jaejoong shrugged and rested his forearms on the island’s surface. He spun his cup slowly, its bottom making tiny scraping noises. “A little, I guess. Like how you miss something you used to do.”
Yunho frowned. “You’re not going to do it anymore?”
Jaejoong kept his gaze on the cooling tea, and then gave another unhelpful shrug.
“Jaejoong…” Yunho began to ask, concerned, but at the sound of his name, Jaejoong looked up, and smiled in a pleased way.
Yunho’s cheeks felt hot, his entire face did. It was as if someone had placed a glass bowl over his head and the heat got trapped inside.
Jaejoong moved around the kitchen island so that he stood in front of Yunho. With that smile still on his lips, he rested their foreheads together.
“Say that again?” He asked of Yunho, his voice soft.
Feeling the heat of his cheeks spread further outward and hoping he doesn't melt through the floor, Yunho indulged him.
“Jaejoong,” He whispered against Jaejoong’s approaching mouth.
“Again,” Jaejoong said, his eyes falling close. He brought his arms around Yunho’s neck. His shirt rode up.
Yunho wrapped his arms around Jaejoong and pulled him toward his body, his fingers caressing toned and heated skin.
“Jaejoong…” Yunho repeated, closing his eyes too.
Jaejoong made a pleased sound as he kissed Yunho’s lips softly. He brushed their noses together--nuzzling and then kissed him again.
And then at the wet press of Jaejoong’s tongue against his lips, Yunho complied and parted them. Gently, he sucked Jaejoong’s warm tongue into his mouth. It moved and slid against his own in just that way that made his body stiffen, and feel like his bones had turned to liquid at the same time.
He shivered from Jaejoong’s kisses, lost his breath for them. Sucking in some air, he pulled Jaejoong closer, maybe because he’d morph out of shape and condense into the cold air, if he didn’t hold onto him tightly enough.
Jaejoong pulled away for a second, seeming breathless himself. “Again, Yunho...” He gasped against Yunho's mouth.
“Jaejoongah,” Yunho moaned as Jaejoong’s mouth once again robbed his ability to think and he forgot to ask why Jaejoong didn’t want to act anymore.
The early winter weather persisted and it was snowing almost everyday. There was frost on his windows, if he looked closely, he could see the tiny snowflakes trapped and frozen against the glass. The sound of things seemed more muffled in the winter, maybe because of the snow. It covered things behind half-closed eyelids and unsmiling lips. Things like feelings and thoughts. It made Yunho nervous.
As the snow fell sullenly from the sky, it made button-sized shadows on the floor and across Jaejoong’s body.
Yunho sat by Jaejoong, a blanket around his shoulders, while Jaejoong was lying down on the comforter on the floor. By the balcony door, so close to the glass, they could smell the cold.
Jaejoong’s eyes remained fixed on the falling snowflakes outside. Sometimes, when Jaejoong was like this, it felt like nothing could touch him, not even Yunho.
Yunho followed the dark spots moving across Jaejoong’s skin, on his sweater, on his face. He went from counting them quietly to just watching Jaejoong. Right now, he was watching Jaejoong make that face again.
“What are you thinking about?” Yunho asked.
“Thinking about you.” Jaejoong answered quickly.
Yunho chuckled. “Liar.”
A tiny smile graced Jaejoong’s lips. “You can’t prove that.”
“What if I can?” Yunho reached out and tugged at the blanket on top of Jaejoong, so that it covered more of him.
“How will you prove it?”
Removing his hand from the blanket, Yunho sought out Jaejoong's hand. He missed him, seeming so far away.
“I can guess what you were really thinking of instead.”
The smile on Jaejoong’s lips turned down a little. He took a deep cleansing breath. He looked a little tired. Yunho wondered where he was, watching the snow fall like that.
“I was thinking…about having a snowball fight.” Jaejoong explained.
Yunho smiled at the idea.
“All five of us. You and I on the same team. Junsu, Changmin, and Yoochun in the other.”
Yunho leaned forward. “Who would win?”
Jaejoong grinned and finally turned his head to meet Yunho’s eyes. “Not us.”
Yunho laughed.
“You weren’t really thinking about me then.” He confirmed, once his laughter gave way to silence.
“I was.” Jaejoong insisted.
Yunho raised an eyebrow, playfully unconvinced.
“I was thinking of how you would be the first one down, because you would show off too much, and we’d lose immediately.”
Yunho snorted. “But you’d still be there to guard the fort.”
Jaejoong shook his head grimly. “Our defeat would be swift and pathetic.”
Yunho mirrored the grin on Jaejoong’s face. They've begun making these, memories with Yoochun in them. The memories probably hurt Jaejoong more than it did him, but they also made Jaejoong smile, which was the most important thing.
“In the spring...let’s go to the beach.” Jaejoong suggested.
Yunho hid his surprise and nodded his head instead. “We can do that. Stay for a couple of days. Watch the sun rise. What do you think?”
“Sounds good.” Jaejoong smiled up at him.
Yunho opened his mouth to say something more when the phone rang from down the hall and interrupted him.
“I’ll be back,” He said, squeezing Jaejoong’s hand before letting go.
He jogged down the hallway and answered the call on the third ring.
“Hello? Oh, hey Changminah, what is it?”
He listened to Changmin’s voice on the other line, nodded, and then spoke up when he realized Changmin couldn’t see him. Changmin asked him if they had needed anything, since he and Junsu were in the grocery store. Yunho recalled what they had run out off and listed them off for Changmin. Three minutes into the call, he heard the sound of the balcony door sliding open. He paused and looked down the hallway, Changmin was asking him something.
“I think we have some more of that,” Yunho said as he waited for any more sounds to come from the living room. He strained his ears, but there was nothing. On the other end of the line, he could hear the noise of the grocery store; people and cash registers. He could hear Junsu talking to Changmin.
“Changminah,” Yunho bit his bottom lip. “Let me call you back, okay?”
He had hung up even before Changmin had a chance to reply. His feet hit the floorboards a little too loud as he quickly made his way back to the living room. He didn’t know why it felt like his heart was at his throat, but the feeling just made him walk faster.
“Jaejoongah?” He called as he took a quick turn and stepped into the living room.
Jaejoong stood by the open balcony door. The cool winter air had seeped inside the room and made it cold. Yunho swallowed his heart back down to its proper place.
Sometimes...
“Hey,” He smiled carefully when Jaejoong turned around to face him. “Aren’t you cold?”
He reached out and pulled Jaejoong into a hug as soon as he was close enough, shivering at how cold Jaejoong had become.
Yunho rested his chin on Jaejoong’s shoulder as he held him, his quiet sigh of relief escaping into the cold air.
“What is it?” Jaejoong asked. “Did something happen?”
Yunho shook his head and smiled even though Jaejoong couldn’t see. “Changmin called. He was asking if we needed anything. They’re on their way. They just stopped by the grocery store.”
“Oh,” Jaejoong said. He drew his arms around Yunho too and held him closer. “You okay? You’re shaking.”
Yunho tried a chuckle, but it came out a little strangled. “Just cold. Can we close this?” He moved away from their embrace and looked at Jaejoong.
Jaejoong’s eyes, a little darker than usual, searched his. Yunho smiled reassuringly and Jaejoong slid the balcony door close.
Sometimes, when there was too much snow, he couldn’t hear his thoughts too. But he heard fragments. Sweet things, but also scary things, like different ways he could lose Jaejoong.
Their official second date didn’t turn out as Yunho had planned. In his excitement, he forgot that other than him and Jaejoong, and Changmin and Junsu too, that other people had existed, and that to them, Jaejoong was quite well-known. They didn’t end up skating.
Jaejoong held a cup of hot chocolate to his lips. The steam from the drink rose around him and was quickly blown away by the frigid wind. Snow from the tree’s branches drifted around them and added to the pile that was starting to collect on their coats and hair.
Sitting back on the park bench, Yunho captured all this with his camera phone, tilting here and there so that he could fit as much of Jaejoong and most of the background into the small frame.
“How’s your hot chocolate, Kim Jaejoong-sshi?” He asked, mimicking an interviewer’s voice.
Jaejoong smiled as he glanced sideways at him. “It’s pretty good. Kinda sweet, though.”
Yunho shifted in his seat and tried to capture the sun shining behind Jaejoong, so that his hair was a little golden around the edges.
“Sorry,”
Jaejoong moved, and for a second, all Yunho had was the sun shining into the frame, and then he found Jaejoong again.
“You’re forgiven.” Jaejoong winked at him. He reached for the phone. The shadow of his hand made everything black.
Yunho surrendered the phone to Jaejoong's clutches and suddenly, Jaejoong was the cameraman and he was the one being filmed.
Yunho looked a little self-consciously at the tiny camera recording every movement he made. He asked, “How do you look so calm in front of all those cameras?”
“Hmmm,” Jaejoong looked thoughtful as he moved the phone close to Yunho’s eyes, zooming in, and then downward to capture his lips and then lower to capture his fingers holding his cup of hot chocolate.
“You get used to it, I guess. Or maybe you have to naturally like to be in front of a camera…Crave it, you know? Actually,” He informed Yunho, “I have no idea what I’m talking about.”
Yunho laughed and Jaejoong made sure to capture that too. For his next question, Yunho looked beyond the lense and into the cameraman’s eyes.
The memory of his voice in the kitchen a few days ago overlapped his voice now.
“Do you miss it?” He asked once again.
“Miss what?” Jaejoong stalled.
“Being in front of a camera.”
Jaejoong looked at him, quietly recording.
Yunho was about to take the question back when Jaejoong turned the phone over so that he filmed himself. He smiled into it and then flipped it close.
“I do.” He answered Yunho’s question at last. “Yeah, I do,” He repeated for himself.
“Then,” Yunho watched him. “Why don’t you start making movies again?”
"Hm," Jaejoong nodded, a bitter smile tugging at his lips. “Because that would be cheating, I think.”
“Because…,” Jaejoong murmured. “It wouldn't be fair if I’m having fun and he’s not.”
“But Junsu--” Yunho began to say.
“Junsu, can do whatever he wants!” Jaejoong said and then looked at Yunho worriedly, fearing that he had answered a little too sharply.
Yunho smiled encouragingly at him and just listened.
“I…can do whatever I want to as well. And it’s not that I want to stop making movies. It’s just that,” Jaejoong lowered his gaze. “Making movies, I had thought it was something we would do together, Yoochun and I, until we got sick of it and then we’d move on and do something else. But always together...”
Jaejoong smiled bitterly. “It’s not fun to make movies alone.”
Yunho nodded his head, and let Jaejoong's explanation sink in.
After a while, “…Hey,” Jaejoong nudged Yunho’s feet with his. “As my fan, what would you like me to do?”
Yunho smiled softly and nudged him back. “To make movies again.”
“As my friend?”
“Hmm," Yunho hummed. "To do whatever would make you happy.”
Jaejoong scuffed at the frozen ground soundly.
“As my...”
Yunho waited, but Jaejoong fell silent. He looked away from Jaejoong’s feet and found that Jaejoong was looking elsewhere. He stared at the back of Jaejoong’s head, at the flakes of snow clinging to the dark strands. Yunho thought about it.
“Same answer. For you to do whatever would make you happy.”
Jaejoong acknowledge his answer with a nod.
“Happiness…That’s,” Jaejoong scoffed. “Happiness, huh?” He sighed the word as he looked up at the winter sky. The seconds that passed, trickled by slowly, sluggishly, like water freezing.
“You know what I was wondering the other day?”
Yunho remembered Jaejoong standing by the balcony door, his skin cold and his eyes dark.
“What?” He asked.
“It just got me thinking, you know? There are all these good things...Even though he--I was wondering if I was allowed to have that...Happiness. I was wondering,” Jaejoong said as he turned away from the winter sky and looked into Yunho’s eyes, “I was wondering if I was allowed to have you, Yunho.”
In that moment, Yunho wondered if oceans could freeze as suddenly as his heart had. If tides had ever receded and never returned.
The wind was picking up, the temperature was dropping. Yunho could feel it in his bones, in his chest. The wind blew through him and froze the selfish words he wanted to speak.
It was piling up, his fears.
They stood in the spiraling stairwell of Yunho’s apartment building. Light from outside, fractured and cold, filtered in through the large windows situated on each floor.
It was snowing again. There were those pebble-sized shadows once more. This time they spotted the wall Jaejoong leaned against as Yunho covered his shivering body with his own.
Yunho sought Jaejoong’s lips, they still trembled from the cold. He kissed them softly, unhurriedly, pulling the bottom lip into his mouth, letting go, and then kissing Jaejoong fully, feeling Jaejoong kiss back.
Then his mouth traveled downward, to kiss along the length of Jaejoong’s neck. He sucked on it lightly, licking at the strong pulse, felt it beat against his tongue. Shifting closer, he reached up and buried his fingers into Jaejoong’s hair. It was damp from melted snow.
Jaejoong's breath hitched, his fingers gripped Yunho’s coat.
It was all Yunho could hear. Sound was leaving, everything was leaving, everything but Jaejoong. The snow, the steps, the wall, the slowly descending spots of shadows were melting away, dissipating into something that didn’t matter. All that mattered were the hush and rustle of their moving bodies, Jaejoong’s gasps in the thinning air, Jaejoong’s taste on his tongue.
Yunho took a deep breath and kissed Jaejoong’s neck tenderly before moving up to kiss him on the lips again, and then he pulled away just enough to look into Jaejoong’s eyes. They were closed and he waited for them to open. When they did, Yunho was a little terrified at the darkness of them, at the quiet pull of them. They weren’t dark like any color he could name. They were dark like the bottom of the ocean that he’d never seen, fathomless and life-changing.
And then his knees gave out.
“What the--?” Yunho gasped just as Jaejoong caught him and his face got buried against Jaejoong’s chest.
He made no sudden movements. He shook his legs out to make sure there wasn’t anything wrong with them. They seemed perfectly fine.
There came a rumbling sound from Jaejoong’s chest. It grew louder and louder, and then Jaejoong was laughing. It was a loud and freeing sound. It shattered the silence of the stairwell. Jaejoong's body shook so much from laughing that he wasn’t able to stand and hold Yunho up anymore. His back started to slide down the wall, and then they were a messy heap of arms and legs on the cold steps.
Yunho sat up and glared at Jaejoong.
Jaejoong met his glare and covered his mouth to try to smother the laughter, but a few peals and wheezes still managed to escape.
“Stop laughing. It wasn’t that funny.” He poked Jaejoong’s cheek and pouted accordingly. “Shouldn’t you be concerned instead? My legs gave out.”
That set off another series of laughter.
Yunho snorted and had to admit it was sort of funny, albeit embarrassing. Definitely, positively embarrassing.
Jaejoong’s amusement faded eventually. It slowed down to a few more snickers and then it finally settled into a quiet and delighted smile.
“What?” Yunho was afraid to ask.
“I made you weak in the knees.” Jaejoong grinned.
Yunho found that cheek again and poked it. “Bet you can't do it twice."
Jaejoong seemed to be up for the challenge, judging from the interesting smile he was wearing.
Yunho shook his head and continued to watch Jaejoong quietly.
Jaejoong seemed to catch on to his mood and tilted his head in question. “What?”
“You’re happy, right?”
He had braced himself, but it still scared him when Jaejoong’s smile slipped a little.
Jaejoong gave a short and cautious nod.
“Then,” Yunho asked, as he sought and held Jaejoong’s gaze like the other man had done earlier that day.
His knees felt weird, like there was an invisible force pushing against it. Like moving water. He took a deep breath. It was as if he held his hand out, his heart on his open palm, while the engulfing waters of the ocean rushed just beneath his fingertips. He could drop his heart, and drown. It felt just like that.
“Then, if you’re happy…even if just a little…being with me. Don’t you think that would be alright?”
Jaejoong seemed to wilt and Yunho had caught his troubled expression just before he looked away.
Yunho’s question hung in the air. His palm was wet, despite the coldness around them.
Yunho didn't stop watching Jaejoong. He watched as a soft, yet bittersweet kind of smile formed on Jaejoong’s lips. It was a stifling sight.
And then after what felt like a small eternity, Jaejoong sighed, and said nothing. He quietly took Yunho’s hand in his, helped him to his feet, and pulled him forward as he started to climb the stairs. Yunho frowned at Jaejoong’s silent back, but he still moved his legs and followed suit.
Their footsteps echoed as they climbed past the floors of his apartment building. Each harrowing sound seemed to count the seconds of silence between them.
Yunho gritted his teeth, clenched his hand, and then suddenly remembered that he had been holding Jaejoong’s hand and looked down at how strongly he was holding onto him. But Jaejoong didn’t let go.
“Jaejoongah?” He called.
Yunho remembered what he had told Changmin those months ago. He remembered making up that person, making sure there was no such person in existence. If they didn’t exist then he couldn’t hold onto that person. But…
Jaejoong stopped climbing up the stairs and remained silent.
..What if he found that person?
Jaejoong glanced down at him with that same bittersweet smile.
…And Yunho still couldn’t hold onto him?
“Want to help me count?” Jaejoong asked softly.
“Count what?” Yunho began to loosen his hold on Jaejoong’s hand. He looked away from that gaze, that smile.
“My happiness.” He heard Jaejoong say.
“I don’t understand,” Yunho whispered.
“Well,” Jaejoong began as he moved down to the same step that Yunho occupied. He slowly wrapped his arms around Yunho’s chest, and embraced him. His hands curling around and gripping the fabric of Yunho's coat. "Because,” He whispered shakily against Yunho’s ear, “We’re actually speaking about quite a bit of happiness here, Yunho, being with you. I’m not sure if I’m allowed to have this much... So maybe” He suggested conspiringly, “if you made me angry at you a little, then I won’t be so happy.”
Yunho seemed to surface from something heavy that had been pulling him down and then the frown that had started, eased away. Yunho smiled against Jaejoong’s shoulder. He moved his arms stiffly, a bit unsure, and hugged Jaejoong in return.
“I’ll try my best to make you angry.” He held Jaejoong tighter. “I’ll cook you dinner once we get upstairs and I guarantee that you would not be impressed.”
Jaejoong chuckled against his ear.
Yunho squeezed his eyes shut. “I’ll make you wash the dishes alone.”
He could feel Jaejoong’s body shake with more laughter. “And then I’ll use the cup you just washed and add it to the pile again.”
Jaejoong squeezed just as tightly, hiding his face against Yunho’s neck. “You better.” He threatened.
Yunho nodded and held onto Jaejoong.
“I promise.”
Thank you for reading.