words
my other social media posts are different than my journal entries. LJ has always been a good spot for that.
i don't have a lot of happy posts here anymore. this one isn't going to be, either, but at least i can write somewhat more unfiltered than in other places.
moved into my current place in november 2020. it's nice. i was going to have a roommate but that didn't work out, much to my financial chagrin, especially after upgrading to a 2bd from my planned 1bd specifically for her.
her new eta is this july. here's hoping that goes as planned.
uh... i'm still in school full time, mostly online. working 3 part time jobs. when i'm not working, i'm studying. making a little art here and there. playing lots of animal crossing. trying to get some exercise in. not time-travel drinking. not xanaxing to sleep every night. definitely scheduling my days down to the hour. that part is exhausting, but keeps me from thinking about how EVERY DAY IS EXACTLY THE SAME.
it's exactly. the. fucking. same.
sleep, coffee, food, study/class, work, repeat. for a year and a half, this has gone on. maybe a little social interaction. maybe a client, or a doctor's appointment, or groceries. but it's the same lyric over and over: time marches on.
FACT:
it took a LONG time to find that song ( https://youtu.be/yVYerZqeSZI?t=83 ) from just a snippet in my head playing endlessly. back in my workin'-at-the-club days, that was a frequent song i danced to. forgot that it was metallica remixed by dj spooky, off the spawn soundtrack. i remember the outfit i wore the first time i danced to it.
....oof. also forgot that was about six lifetimes ago, and forgot the type of music/art/etc i enjoyed. ps - when your heart dies, your love for art and everything else kind of goes out the window. listening to music is a whole new experience that i've had to change entirely, and i'm grateful for finding Twitch. music hurts a lot these days.
said all that to say this:
i guess you don't get over separation. you just live with this dead-inside feeling and that's how it is. you exist. that's it.
some days aren't as bad. i've got goals, projects, decent things happening. my house is in a good area; beautiful landscaping, nice amenities, extremely comfortable. i do really love this apartment and don't want to leave it ever. i actually often don't leave for several days at a time. some days i just sit on my couch for hours and watch the sky change from light to dark.
the view is great and the whole complex feels very safe and healthy. it hasn't felt safe to walk around by myself at any time of day for a real long time. there are lots of dogs here but it's clean - the cleaning crew does an amazing job. everyone seems fairly peaceful; neighbors say hello to each other. i mean... it's nice.
in attempts to feel 'better', a couple months ago i signed up for bumble and some other dating apps. bumble was the only okay one. i didn't want to go on any Dates or even start Dating, but thought maybe i could meet a cool person or two. maybe somebody to take my mind off how bad my insides hurt.
chatted to a few folks. they were alright. multiple hockey players on those sites (of course). when it became apparent that they were hockey players here in SD, i politely let them know i appreciated the thumbs up but they all had to go on my ban list - no mas hockey players for me, for a number of reasons, not the least of which is Everybody Knows Everybody. i can't. it would hurt too much. plus i could never imagine seeing somebody new and oh-let's-go-watch-them-play and then possibly run into people and just no. No.
there's only one hockey player i want and it ain't any of them. plus it would be self-sabotaging and unkind; unconsciously trying to get them to fill his shoes. the responses i got were all very understanding, thankfully.
out of everyone i chatted with, one dude had follow through with proactively asking me out. he was pleasant and had good grammar. despite not being really attracted to him i gave it a chance: we had some mutual friends/interests, he seemed to be stable (car, job, living on his own, etc). sure, let's meet and see if we get along. that was about all i had any hope for, with no intention for future plans.
about 2 weeks after initially chatting, we agreed to meet up. i actually got nervous and spent most of the day prepping mentally and physically. took some time getting ready. shampooed-conditioned-blowdried-etc my hair. gave myself a little manicure. drew my eyebrows on.
we got together for dinner - not coffee & donuts as originally planned. (i was a little displeased about that because several things relating to this outing had not gone as planned.) that should have been a sign.
anyway, we did manage to meet up and the short version is, as they say, I shaved my legs for THIS?
......................
so yeah that'll be juuuuust about enough of that. -*eyeroll*-
what a waste of an evening. the food was good, at least. (we split the bill.)
(we did hug. the hugs were okay. he was not pushy or grope-y.)
but...
after that debacle of seriously wasting my entire evening, i'm done. (this reminds me i need to figure out how to deactivate my bumblecupid whatever accounts. i think you can use those sites for networking on a side platform, like a subdomain or some shit, but i don't know.)
i have no real desire to date anyone and zero desire to seek that type of companionship out. i barely even want new friends and don't care about kink much any more, because the co-mingling of drama and pandemic killed it for me. i for sure don't want an intimate connection and don't have it in me to D/s at people even in a service perspective. it feels bland and grey. looking at all my swag and implements is kind of nice, but it'll never be Leather Pride 2018 Newly Won or My First DomCon or My First PartyTime or Ellen's Fancy Lady Teatime With Actual Crumpets ever again. it won't be the same. and with FUCKING COVID, who even knows what will happen anyway.
i miss getting dressed up and going to parties and feeling Infamous, and i miss my friends, but i don't think it's possible to make those type of connections again. talking to people has made me realize that there is a huge component of folks who, should we become friends, will not understand or take seriously the priority and effort that is going into my schooling. i don't have the energy it takes to collect more friends, let alone seek out more than that.
for 'more'... if i do make a new friend outside of school, that might happen to be attractive in all the right ways, they'd have to understand that school is first for me, AND they'd have to be attracted to me as well. EL OH EL yeah good luck with that.
that is just way too many factors in play, and i have not enough energy or self esteem or care-to-do-so.
this is why i bury myself in study and work. this is why i go and go and go until it's time to crash, and why i ignore most non-mandatory communication. it keeps me away from focusing on how badly messed up i am inside. nightmares are a regular occurrence. lately they're more like Uncomfortable Dreams instead of the screaming night-sweat horrors that they once were, but they're still real unpleasant. so that means forcing insomnia because if i'm asleep, the dreams will come.
but if i'm awake, the thoughts will come.
there is no break.
whatever i am now as a person just moves forward, one day and one task at a time. there are good moments; sometimes my friends make me laugh until i cry, and sometimes i can nap without remembering dreams. the cats keep me company. i know my friends care about me. i know where my career is going. but mostly i just see myself as an automated consumer who is going through the motions of each day while waiting for death. one morning, i will no longer be. it'll just happen. and knowing that the other half of me is all gone has made it worse. maybe the comfort here is at least being able to come to terms with that, even though i haven't. i can type it, but that's all. my brain is being nice to me in that regard - it's just building walls and walls and walls. nobody's getting in, and i'm not going out.
this might truly be the part where i can say that i don't give a fuck about what all but one person thinks about me. it's kind of comforting. i'll keep going, basically dead inside, but the remaining soft part of my heart belongs (now, and always) to the person i married, and that's all there is to it.
yeah, looks like this wasn't one of my happier posts. i don't know if i can do those anymore.