FIC: Push/Pull, Yagyuu/Niou, NC17 (9/14)
Title: Push/Pull (9/14)
Author: Ociwen
Rating: NC17
Warning: Everything you can possibly think of, and then some. Spoilers for 40.5 and the entire series.
Disclaimer: Konomi owns all, except for Marui's crocs.
Summary: Niou is a girl, and everything pushed to the edge.
Author's Notes: This is one-shot fic related to Dénoument, We'll Always Have Kanagawa and Accidentally All Right. The fics can be read separately, but they make more sense together. Written for Niou's birthday 2008. Happy Birthday Niou!
This fic has been truncated into 14 parts due to length. The parts are NOT chapters. This is a one-shot fic.
Niou picks at the jelly. Then he looks at Yagyuu from under his hair, which hangs limp and greenish over his eyes. Guilt pokes Yagyuu in the side. It feels like Niou's fingers playing in the bowl of jelly. "This is sick," he says. "Go get me a salmon bento."
Yagyuu hesitates. Hiroki tries to crawl over the foot of the narrow hospital bed. Yagyuu leans over to remove him from Niou's feet. Niou says it's fine.
"Yagyuu," he says.
Yagyuu sighs.
A nurse catches Yagyuu on the way back into the hospital. "No outside food please," she says.
His face feels hot. Through the plate glass windows, summer bakes the city. Yagyuu nods. He apologizes and excuses himself before he changes his mind.
He hands Niou the bento. It was cold at Familymart, now Niou picks at the omelette garnish. "Thanks babe," he says. He grins a mouthful of food at Yagyuu.
"Don't complain if it upsets your stomach," Yagyuu says.
Niou sticks his tongue out.
***
He's asleep in bed when the phone rings. Yagyuu rolls over and fishes around the low table. He can't see-he hopes he presses enter on his cellphone.
"Can you come to the hospital?" Niou asks.
Yagyuu's heart stops. The sun hasn't risen, but soft grey morning peeks in through the balcony window. Yagyuu doesn't have curtains.
"I can't carry both of them home by myself," Niou says.
***
Niou sits in a park adjacent to the hospital. He's playing with his cellphone when Yagyuu arrives. He barely had time to pull on a pair of shorts and the cleanest t-shirt in his wardrobe. His teeth are roughened by plaque and his glasses are grimy, but Yagyuu doesn't have time to think about that.
"What are you doing?" he asks. He shakes. He wants to shake Niou. Niou lifts his head-he's not dying. He's not in pain. He's sitting on a bench with a crooked smile on his lips.
"I checked myself out," Niou says. "It was boring."
Yagyuu's mouth hangs open. Niou closes it with his fingers. "You-you have to rest!" Yagyuu sputters. "Please, Niou-kun."
Niou shrugs. He's wearing a bathrobe and he doesn't look particularly prepared to go anywhere public. The first rush of morning traffic picks up on the streets. Sweat starts to sluice down Yagyuu's back. It'll be hotter than yesterday before noon.
Niou nods to one of the baby carriers. Yagyuu wonders where Niou got the money to buy a second, but he's not sure he wants to know. "You carry Hiroshi," Niou says.
"Hiroshi?" Yagyuu asks.
"Ran out of ideas again," Niou says.
"And the girl?" Yagyuu asks. "Is she…Masako?"
"Our minds are one," Niou says. He slides an arm around Yagyu's shoulder. It's almost like the way things were before. Niou's teeth sparkle in the mauve sunlight of morning.
Hiroshi Jr turns out to be the heavier of the two twins.
Yagyuu should have known.
***
With four kids by age nineteen, Yagyuu should be ashamed of himself.
Instead, all he can think about is when can they be mine?
Niou fills out the register again. Two more names added to Niou's family, not Yagyuu's. Yagyuu watches and says nothing. Inside, the hollowness spreads up from his belly to his chest rather like the bitterness in his throat.
I'm not denying you, he wants to tell Niou. Niou won't listen.
At school, between lectures, one of the guys from Yagyuu's study group comes up to him. "Hey, Yagyuu, we're gonna play tennis tomorrow, wanna come?"
Yagyuu shakes his head and apologizes. The words are too thick to say no.
His classmates ask if Yagyuu wants to come on a group date other times. They lean on the corridor walls. A lecturer walks by. Yagyuu drums his fingers on a window sill. The A/C makes the building cold. Outside, trees droop with humidity. The cicada song seeps through the walls.
Yagyuu shakes his head. He starts to apologize when his classmate says, "It's cool, you can bring your girlfriend, too."
Yagyuu apologizes.
He tells Niou at home-Niou's home. Niou has a baby attached to each breast. Hiromi and Hiroki run around the kitchen and chase each other. Niou's mom stops them when she asks who wants to lick the rice spoon.
When Niou's dad comes home, Niou is still nursing. His father turns away. Yagyuu bites his lip. As he turns his head, he can see Niou cringe a little.
Move in with me! Yagyuu thinks.
"I'm not ashamed," Yagyuu says. He keeps his voice quiet. Masako's eyes droop. He doesn't want to wake her. Niou tickles Hiroshi's feet to keep him awake to feed. "It's just…no one at school knows about them."
"Where were they going?" Niou asks. His voice is even.
After a moment, Yagyuu says yakiniku.
Niou's eyes narrow, but he says nothing.
Yagyuu can't even apologize.
***
His classmates ask again. And again, Yagyuu bails.
"Exams are done! Come out with us! We know some hot chicks!" They laugh between themselves. They flash victory signs and knowing glances.
Yagyuu says he has to study. He doesn't believe himself, either.
It's autumn again. He's nearly twenty. Yagyuu looks in the mirror of a school toilet. Bigger and bigger purple bags droop under his eyes. His back aches and he yawns. There's a leak in the apartment. Tape on the ceiling didn't fix it. A bucket underneath doesn't make it go away.
The hanabi of summer have come and gone, blooming and dying like the flowers. Death flowers have opened up. Lacy blossoms catch it the air as Yagyuu walks home. His cell rings.
Niou.
"I'm at Motomachi station," Niou says. His words hang in Yagyuu's ears. They cloy like the sweetness of the azuki frapp Yagyuu had for breakfast.
The nights have been lonely. Yagyuu's wrists ache. His dick swells and his balls hang heavier. He turns heel and walks the other direction-back toward the closest train station.
Niou is waiting inside the shopping arcade. He flags Yagyuu down with a nod and a raised hand.
Yagyuu stops in his tracks. Niou is surrounded by Yagyuu's classmates. They talk and laugh and Niou smirks. Yagyuu sucks in a breath. He can't see any of the kids around.
"What are you doing?" he hisses.
Niou winks at him. Then he bats his lashes. He's wearing makeup and he looks like a girl. His breasts brush Yagyuu's arm. Yagyuu's balls shiver. His pubes stand up on end.
"Your friends are having a group yakiniku date again," Niou says.
"I invited us, too," Niou adds.
Sometimes, Yagyuu misses this. When Niou slips his arm through Yagyuu's and leans on his side, Yagyuu stands a little taller. He looks at Niou, who looks back at him with dark, hungry eyes.
The empty ache in Yagyuu's chest dissolves.
***
Niou gets plastered on beer. He rolls around the tatami booth and moans. Another round of beef is ordered. Yagyuu's pants are too tight. He shakes his head and says he can't. Niou slithers over Yagyuu's lap and says he can.
Yagyuu's dick is so heavy and hot between his legs. He squirms. Niou moves on his lap. His face is too close to Yagyuu's erection. Yagyuu balls his fist. Sweat beads on his forehead as Niou rolls over his crotch. Shivers shoot up Yagyuu's thighs.
On the way home, Yagyuu half-carries Niou over his back. Niou has put on more weight. Yagyuu says nothing. Niou has had enough beer that they stop in a dim park and he lets Yagyuu fuck him.
Crickets chirp. Their bodies slap. Yagyuu grunts. He digs his hands into Niou's arms. Niou is limp and pliable. His lips are stained with beer and BBQ sauce. Yagyuu's belly explodes with sensation until he can’t hold back. He stiffens and shivers. Niou squeezes his cunt.
Yagyuu is gone.
"I just wanna have fun sometimes," Niou whines. "I'm so bored…"
Niou tucks his boobs back into his shirt before he pukes behind a tree.
Yagyuu stands and frowns until he remembers to be a gentleman.
***
Wet rain falls on Christmas.
Yagyuu asks Niou if he wants to go out. He books a table for two at a French restaurant in MM21. Yukimura recommended it. Three weeks ago, Niou turned twenty-the wine list is exquisite.
"No," Niou says.
Yagyuu swallows. There's a hard lump in his throat. He inhales through his nose. Niou cocks his head to the side. His lips quirk. His fingers pull on the hem of Yagyuu's sweater.
"Sorry," Niou says. "The twins have shots scheduled. They're gonna be cranky."
There is a pine tree crammed in behind the tv. Niou's mom cooks curry fish. Niou's sister helps Hiromi and Hiroki tie wishes to the pine branches. Niou's dad strings lights and Niou's brother helps him. Niou sits on the couch. He watches and smirks and offers one of the twins a pacifier.
Yagyuu stands in the middle of the room. He takes a deep breath. Niou doesn't look at him-Yagyuu is useless.
"Come set the table," Niou's mom says. Her apron has a snowman on the front.
It is just the two of them in the kitchen. Yagyuu lines the spoons up, vertical and straight. He switches the kettle on to make tea. The curry bubbles on the burner. Steam from the rice cooker fogs the window. Yagyuu hasn't felt this warm since September.
"Santa-san comes tomorrow," she says.
Yagyuu nods. His fingers touch the top of his pocket. His wallet is worn. Inside, it's nearly empty.
"You're welcome to stay the night," Niou's mom says. She turns to Yagyuu. Her glasses sit lower on her nose now. There are fine wrinkles around her eyes. Yagyuu wonders if, in twenty-five years, Niou will look the same.
Yagyuu says thank you, it's fine.
"Do you have enough to eat?" she asks. "Is your apartment warm enough?"
Yagyuu says it's fine.
At dinner, Niou sits on Yagyuu's right. Their hands bump as they eat. Niou's skin is warm and smooth. He licks at the curry on the side of his mouth. Yagyuu dabs at his face with a napkin. Under the table, their legs bump, too. Yagyuu shifts in his seat. Niou taps Yagyuu's foot. He strokes Yagyuu's sock with his toes. Yagyuu's cock aches. His eyes drift to Niou's breasts. They are bigger than before the twins, swollen with milk. Yagyuu swallows the fish. He closes his eyes and he can almost taste the sweetness of Niou.
"Santa-san!" Hiromi says.
Hiroki echoes him. They chant in childish tandem. The radio plays strains of carols. The pine tree glows and the wishes glitter and twist in the wafts of air when people walk past. Niou whispers, "Did you get them anything, Santa-san?"
I didn't know I was supposed to, Yagyuu thinks. "Are you Christian?" he asks.
"No," Niou says. "That's Jesus."
It isn't a picture postcard of hot tea by a fireplace. Yagyuu sits on the floor with Niou. They change the twins' diapers, one a piece. There are bean paste mochi purchased from a supermarket. Hiroki has a santa hat. Hiromi cuts snowflakes from rice paper. Yagyuu helps him unfold the snowflakes.
Everything disintegrates like snow. Wet slush falls onto the window panes outside. It clings and captures the dim, warm lights.
At nine, Yagyuu leaves. Niou hangs around in the hallway. Yagyuu wraps his scarf around his face. He turns to the window again-the rain hasn't let up. Yagyuu sighs and says nothing. Niou leans on the tips of his toes. He says nothing, either. Someone calls his name. Niou turns. An earring sparkles at the side of his neck.
Yagyuu's chest is heavy. His balls are, too. He can already hear the lonely slap of his hand under his pajama pants tonight.
"Merry Christmas," Niou says.
Yagyuu closes the door behind himself.
***
His feet are soaking before he gets to the bus stop. Yagyuu shivers under his coat. The slushy rain dampens the cloudy puffs of breath in the air. Cars splash through puddles-more water splashes onto the sidewalks. They splatter Yagyuu's face and glasses. He sighs.
The bus is filled with people. Yagyuu squeezes into a crevice near the exit by the driver. There are a dozen couples around him. Hands interlock and shoulders brush. Girls look up at their boyfriends-or husbands-with sparkling eyes. Yagyuu shifts his weight onto his other foot. His shoe squelches. His toes are numb and his glasses fog up.
Another stop comes. More couples come onto the bus. Yagyuu steps further back into the framework. His cellphone rings and he can't be bothered to be polite enough to let voicemail kick in.
"Are you coming home tomorrow?" his father asks.
"I'm not Christian," Yagyuu says.
His father hums. "Your mother was asking about you."
Yagyuu purses his lips.
After a long moment, he says, "She could call me herself."
"Is school going well?"
Yagyuu nods. "Yes," he says.
"There's a new pediatrician near the university. Tell him I sent you, if you want."
"Thank you," Yagyuu says.
In the background, his mother's voice asks who his father is talking to. Yagyuu says he has to go. He presses end. He doesn't apologize because he isn't sorry. Yagyuu stares out the window. Slushy rains keeps sluicing down the panes of glass. His bus stop whizzes by; it's veiled by darkness and mucky precipitation.
Yagyuu's shoulders sink. He presses the buzzer. Now, he'll have an extra ten minutes to walk.
He's walking in the dark. He's alone under a shower of icy rain. It cuts through Yagyuu's scarf. It dampens his mittens and freezes his toes. His cellphone buzzes again. Yagyuu walks two more steps. His throat is too thick to breath.
But he flips his cell open.
I'll marry you on April 1
***
Yagyuu closes his eyes. He can see Niou's body in the whole, and in the round. Niou has dark nipples in the soft light, but his skin glows. His breasts are round when he lies on his back. When he sits up, they sag a bit. Yagyuu rubs them. He pinches Niou's nipples. They leak.
He slips a hand under his waistband. Niou is still there. Niou whispers Yagyuu's name. He whispers dirty words that are silken in Yagyuu's ears. His dick throbs. His balls tighten. Yagyuu pants. The sound hangs in the quiet of his apartment.
He comes. It's hot and sticky and gets on his futon cover.
Yagyuu opens his eyes. He turns to the side. His vision is blurry. Niou isn't there. The apartment is deathly silent.
"Merry Christmas," he murmurs.
***
Spring time comes early.
The trees bud. Sakura blossoms burst into fragrant life. Yagyuu writes exams in February. He comes home after the last one.
Niou is there.
Niou is wearing a green bustier and a thong. He picks at his butt. His breasts squeeze out of the top; they are as full and round as they have ever been. Yagyuu stares-he can see the brown of one nipple peeking out. He drops his backpack. Niou pulls at Yagyuu's fly.
"Congrats," Niou drawls. He rubs his cunt on Yagyuu's leg. Yagyuu bucks. Niou wiggles a finger. "Not yet."
"Why?" Yagyuu asks.
Niou crosses his arms over his chest. One of his breasts pops of of the bustier. Yagyuu stares at it. His mouth is dry. His underpants are damp. He says nothing. Niou speaks. Yagyuu watches the wayward breast jiggle.
"I don't want another kid," Niou says.
Yagyuu agrees.
"So, no dick inside," Niou says.
Yagyuu agrees. Then he hears Niou's words.
"Wait," Yagyuu says. "Does that mean you will go down…?" His words hang.
Niou makes a face. "Gross, no!"
"I'd pleasure you," Yagyuu says. He locks the door. He sets his keys down. Niou stiffens as Yagyuu walks around him. Niou shivers when Yagyuu touches Niou's bum. He cups it with his palm. A tiny noise breaks from Niou's lips. Yagyuu's hand slips deeper between Niou's legs.
His pussy is wet.
Don't say yes and no, Yagyuu thinks.
He stops thinking.
Niou stops saying no.
***
A week before April, Niou shows up at Yagyuu's grandmother's house. Hiromi and Hiroki are tied up in a harness. There's a baby on his back, and another on his front.
Yagyuu's grandma sets her pen down. Her letter flutters to the floor. She offers Niou tea.
Niou offers Yagyuu a paper bag. "Present for you," he says.
Yagyuu pulls out the stick. There are two lines.
"Congrats," Niou says. "Oops, you did it again."
***
Yagyuu calls the venue.
Yagyuu cancels the flowers. He cancels the dj, too.
Niou isn't the only one.
He's at the supermarket. Yagyuu peruses the pre-made bentos. At this time of evening, there's not much left besides omelette rice and a sad selection of sashimi. Yagyuu frowns. He picks up an omelette bento. The egg slides around. It oozes.
"Hiroshi!"
Marui runs up to Yagyuu. Plastic bags hang from his elbows. The last time Yagyuu saw him, he had a moustache. Now, it's gone.
"Hiroshi, oh my god!" Marui grins from ear to ear. "Have you heard?"
Yagyuu asks what, Marui-kun?
Marui's grin glitters in the supermarket lighting. Pop music plays on loop. "This Nihonjin has colonized exotic territory! My boys have done it!"
Yagyuu pushes his glasses up. The egg slides around the bento box into the opposite corner.
"You are taking a trip?" Yagyuu asks.
Marui snickers. He jabs Yagyuu in the ribs. "Yeah right. My seeds have been sown!" Marui spins around. One of the bags slips from his arm. He doesn't notice his Converse step on a package of candy.
"Jackal's pregnant!"
***
"It works out," Niou says.
Yagyuu frowns.
"We can get married next year," Niou says. "Right after you graduate."
"That's what normal people do," Yagyuu says.
Niou's smirk falls. Guilt swells in Yagyuu's stomach, so he says, "Okay."
***
Yagyuu sits on the train. He's awake and his eyes droop. A salaryman left a newspaper on the seat three stops back. Yagyuu picks it up. He reads the headline and says, "Huh."
Inside, his heart presses against his chest. His fingers curl, but there hasn't been a tennis racket between them in years.
Yukimura wins first Grand Slam for Japan in 15 years
***
Summer slithers by. Niou waddles through it. Yagyuu signs up for a radiology seminar that will begin in September. He walks home one evening, and the elevator in his apartment has a sign pasted to the doors.
Closed for pest control. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Yagyuu sighs. His backpack digs into his shoulders. He walks to his grandmother's house. He knocks. He can hear her voice through the cicadas. The lights are on. They stream into the front garden. Sweat plasters Yagyuu's hair to his head. His phone buzzes, and he has a lab project due in three days that needs to be typed up.
Yagyuu waits. He purses his lips. He presses the buzzer a second time. Finally, his grandmother opens the door.
"I was on the phone, Hiroshi," she says.
She offers him tea and cold rice. The rolled out futon is tempting. I have my project, Yagyuu thinks. There are three years left in his program. Sanada will graduate at the end of this year. Jackal dropped out two months ago. Marui flits from job to job and Kirihara works the tennis circuit in hot pursuit of his senpai.
Yagyuu's vision is blurry. He rubs the sweat from his forehead. His glasses are dusted with motes and scum from the Tokyo commute.
Yagyuu crawls on top of the futon and collapses.
***
At half past two, his phone rings.
"Come help me get to the hospital!" Niou says. He pants hard. Yagyuu's eyes snap open. His heart pounds against his rubs. In an instant, whatever exhaustion remained in his body is gone.
"My parents are in Hiroshima," Niou says. He groans. "Fuck, Yagyuu…"
Yagyuu has one foot through through a pant leg when he realizes the buses aren't running. The train won't start for another few hours. And he can't drive.
He runs out of the spare room. The house is dark. The world is asleep.
His grandmother stands in the hallway. Keys dangle from her fingers. They flash in the midnight glow of the suburbs.
"I have a scooter," she says. "Crash it and you have to pay for it."
***
The wind whips against Yagyuu's face as he rides. The scooter won't go more than 30 clicks, or 40 when Yagyuu revs at traffic lights. His body pulses. He needs to get to Niou. Yagyuu pushes the pedal harder. The scooter chokes up smoke.
In the empty driveway of Niou's parents' house, the scooter dies. Yagyuu doesn't have time to think about his grandmother's warning.
Niou's brother flings the door open for Yagyuu. There's a toddler by his side. "The taxis aren't running," he says.
"Ambulances?" Yagyuu asks. He should have thought of it sooner. Yagyuu cringes. He takes his shoes off. Someone screams from the kitchen. It sends a cold shiver through Yagyuu's body. The A/C is on full blast. Niou screams again. "I'll KILL YOU YAGYUU!"
"We don't have time," Niou's brother says. "It's good you're here because I can't do it."
Yagyuu doesn't understand what Niou's brother means.
And then he sees Niou.
Yagyuu is training to be a dentist, not a gynaecologist.
Niou screams at him. Niou uses words that he only ever uses when Yagyuu's dick thrusts hard into his cunt. There's a bloody mess in the kitchen. Niou tries to break Yagyuu's hand. His eyes are on fire.
"Get. It. Out." he says through his teeth.
Yagyuu gulps.
Niou cracks his knuckles. He's purple in the face. Yagyuu peeks under the towel draped over Niou's legs.
The blood drain from his face in a wash of cold.
***
The first crimson rays of dawn break.
And the ambulance shows up.
***
Yagyuu might be going to dental university, but he's shitty with patients.
It takes him a week to get over sticking his hands up Niou's pussy. Niou whispers, "Umbilical cord" and Yagyuu shudders. Niou smirks. He tells the hospital it's pointless.
"You have to rest," the nurse tells him.
"Puri," Niou says.
Yagyuu brings a department store bag. He hands it to Niou. Niou peeks inside. He grins.
Between mouthfuls of yakiniku bento, Niou says, "Thanks, babe."
***
At home, it's boring. His parents bring oysters home from Hiroshima.
Niou reaches for one.
His mom shakes her head. "They're not good for you to eat right now."
Niou narrows his eyes. Someone slurps behind him. Hiromi has an open shell. He blinks at Niou. Niou narrows his eyes even more.
He's tired. The new baby-Haruka, they really do need to think of better names-is fussy. She screams all day and whimpers all night. Niou pushes his body through a sluggish haze. He sits in a chair all morning and stares at the wall. His brain dribbles through his ears. His ears are nearly deafened by the cries.
Yagyuu only comes on weekends. He brings a stack of note paper. Niou looks at it. The label says wedding card invitations.
Niou glares at Yagyuu. His mom, however, just smiles. "The paper looks lovely, Yagyuu-kun. Masaharu can't wait to fill them out."
Niou sniffs. He noses around the paper for a week. His mother leaves the card on his desk. Niou stuffs it into his closet. His mom leaves it on the table. Niou shoves it into a drawer.
His mom hands him the card. Then she gives Niou a blue pen. "Don't you want to live a respectful life?" Her smile is sad. Twins run under her apron strings. They make grabbyfists at her, instead of Niou.
Niou takes the stack of card.
***
Of all the days Yagyuu comes to visit, he comes when Niou is writing out invitations.
Sanada's is first.
Niou draws smiley faces all over the envelope. Jealous, Sanada? Niou picks up the envelope. The glue is sweet and clings to his tongue.
Yagyuu holds up the package and frowns. "No itching powder," he says.
Niou re-does Sanada's card.
***
Sanada calls two weeks later.
"I have received your invitation," he says.
Niou hums. The baby squirms on his chest. Her mouth is wet and warm and a little ticklish. He will never get used to the feeling.
"Yukimura and I will accept it," Sanada adds.
"Duh," Niou says. The baby fidgets. "Hang on, gotta fix the kid."
"You had another baby?"
"Yeah, I found it in a dumpster."
Sanada falls silent. Niou can almost hear Sanada's sharp inhale. His stomach twists. Niou frowns. Clammy hands spread across his breast. The baby sucks harder.
"What pill are you on?" Niou asks.
Sanada doesn't say anything for the longest while. Then, he mumbles, "I'm not on anything."
***
The doctor has a degree from America. She asks Niou if he's pregnant, or nursing. Niou says no.
She hands him a prescription. Niou walks out of the clinic with a sideways smile. It falters when he enters the gates to the park. He follows the gravelly path, past patchy grass. The trees are shedding their leaves. The air has the crisp smell of autumn.
The Jizo statues are always smiling.
Niou bows his head and drops three coins into a stony lap.
Sorry.
***
His days consist of a lot of nothing.
His mom leaves, and comes back with groceries, once or twice a day.
"I need some more diapers," Niou says.
She's stopped telling Niou he needs to take more responsibility. She found the jar of money two months ago. Her face fell. "What's this from?" she asked.
Niou shrugged.
Her eyes were wide, so Niou said, "Pachinko."
She frowned. Niou almost felt guilty. "I'm not selling myself," he said.
He's not sure she believes him. At least until she looks at the line of children. Hiroki has glasses now. Hiroshi and Masako have Yagyuu's nose already, and his hair, too-Niou parts it to the side, five eighths of the way across, every morning.
Niou's sister works at a department store. She comes home in the evenings. "Isn't it time to move out?" Niou asks her.
His sister raises her eyebrows. She sets her purse down. Masako makes a beeline for it. "Shouldn't we say the same about you?" his sister asks.
Niou snorts.
Niou's brother is still in school. His father works the same, long hours at the firm in downtown Yokohama. His mother attends the company holiday party with him. She wears a glitzy dress. His father wears a tux. Niou stays home and eats cup ramen and boiled shrimp. Several children streak through the house, naked. Niou turns on the tv.
Yagyuu calls, "May I come over?"
Like you need to ask, Niou thinks.
What Yagyuu doesn't ask is, Are you ready to have sex again?
Niou sighs. He flicks another channel. There's a news satire with someone in a banana suit. On the couch beside him, the baby squirms. The ripe smell of baby shit sticks to everything. Niou grunts into the phone.
He's stopped bleeding.
It's fine. The pills, remember?
Niou can't shake the apprehension. His stomach turns. He picks at the shrimp in his molars. "Yeah," he says.
By the time Yagyuu comes over, the rain has started. Yagyuu peels off his coat. His glasses are dusted with water. Drops slide off the ends of his hair. His hands are white, but his face is flushed.
Numbness spreads through Niou's pussy. He swallows. His eyes drift to Yagyuu's crotch-he's hard, of course.
Niou holds up a deck of cards. "Go fish?"
A naked toddler runs by.
***
"Hurry!" Niou gasps.
Yagyuu slides out. He pushes deeper. His mouth is slimy on Niou's neck. Niou stares at the ceiling, and cringes. His nipples ache enough from the baby. Yagyuu's teeth make the skin even more tender. His body shivers. Yagyuu takes it as a good thing.
The clock reads half-past midnight.
Yagyuu's rhythm is too slow. Niou counts numbers in his head. He does his three times tables, to nine, then back down again. Yagyuu pants. Their bodies slap. Niou's breasts shake. He squeezes his cunt. Yagyuu chokes on a groan.
Come on, Niou thinks. "Hurry!"
He squeezes harder. Yagyuu's dick burns his innards. Niou closes his eyes. He digs his fingers into Yagyuu's arm. The bathroom counter is cold. It presses into his ass. Yagyuu is heavy.
On the third squeeze, Yagyuu makes a strangled noise. He comes. He thrusts. Niou winces. He's rubbed raw inside. Each thrust, Niou can hear his skin scrape between Yagyuu's heaves.
Mostly, Niou just wants to be finished.
When Yagyuu leaves for the night, Niou sits in the bathtub. He hugs his legs and listens to the rain patter the rooftop. He listens to his parents stagger through the door, then he crawls under his futon.
The gummy hands of a child reach for him. Niou holds Hiroki close. In his other ear, Hiromi breathes, smooth and soft. They smell of baby shampoo and cream soap.
Niou stares at the ceiling, and he doesn't cringe.
***
Jackal phones.
"I have to get out of here!"
Marui yowls in the background. He's louder than the baby.
Niou meets Jackal at the beach.
"Nice organization," Jackal says.
Niou looks at the linking chain of harnesses. Hiromi has undone himself. He runs along the water's edge. Hiroki says he wants to be free. One of the twins starts to cry. Niou bounces the baby on his chest. She's asleep.
"Not really," he says.
"Aren't you worried about him?" Jackal nods to Hiromi. His face is pale.
"Not really," Niou says. He yells out, "No drowning!" Hiromi doesn't answer. He's too busy picking up sandstars. Winter wind whips up off the water. It bites through Niou's scarf. Hiroshi pulls on the leash. "Hat!" he says.
Jackal picks it up. "Here."
Hiroshi says thank you.
"He's just like Yagyuu," Jackal says.
"'Thank you' was his first word," Niou says.
"Really?"
Niou rolls his eyes.
Sunlight hides behind clouds, which stretch loosely in the grey sky. Niou's shoes sink into the sand. Hiromi runs the other direction. Jackal's baby starts to whimper. She's red-faced and has a full head of hair, underneath the onesie Jackal stuffed her into. It's pink, and looks like Marui's bad dye-job.
"You guys'll be the first to get married, you know," Jackal says.
The water is slate-coloured and choppy. Niou looks far into the horizon; he can't make out any boats. Slowly, he turns to Jackal.
"Sanada was always the traditionalist," Niou mumbles.
Jackal's sigh is a puff of white cloud. The salty air eats it up. A lone seagull surfs above them. Hiromi announces that he has eight stars, mommy, can you hold some of them?
"You're not much different," Jackal says.
Niou thinks about this.
***
He's playing on his cellphone. Marui has a foodblog. Niou clicks on the links-they're all redirects to blogs of gravure idols. Niou rubs his chest. His nipples itch. He thinks about Yagyuu's dick and feels vaguely horny.
Cold February rain dribbles down the windows. Niou downloads a new song. He eats a snack from the fridge. He drinks tea-it sat too long on the counter. Bitter green lingers on his tongue.
Niou pads around the house. "No, this way!" Hiromi says. Niou peeks around the door. Hiromi and Hiroki have colouring books out. Hiromi removes the crayon from Hiroki's left hand. "You can't have purple tennis balls!"
Yagyuu has blue balls, Niou thinks. He snickers under his breath.
His mom phones. Niou curls the phone against his ear.
"There's a sale on at Haute Versailles," she says. "We should look at the wedding dresses there."
"That's boring," Niou says.
"You don't have a dress yet."
Niou says whatever.
"Don't you want to look pretty for Yagyuu-kun?"
Niou is not convinced that Yagyuu will care what he wears. Yagyuu's only concern will be how to take it off Niou. "You pick something out for me."
His mother sighs. "It doesn't work that way. A wedding takes a lot of planning. Have you done anything?"
Niou takes the easy route: he lies.
***
They go on Saturday.
Niou is stuffed into a dozen dresses. Maybe more.
They are all white and frilly. They all look the same. They pinch his middle and push his boobs up. The store clerks put veils on Niou's head. He's trapped behind the mesh and silk. It hurts to breathe. Silk corsets crack his ribs. Niou scratches his butt. His mother frowns.
"Do you like this?"
"What about this?"
"This fit is more flattering."
"You need less ruffles in the back."
"Do you like the lace? We can alter it, if you want."
Niou lifts his head. There's a girl staring back in the mirror. She pouts and her hair is a flyaway mess. Niou cocks his head. She does too. Niou can see an inch of black roots in her hair. The only thing he recognizes is the mole on her chin.
The him of ten years ago would be laughing at her.
Niou turns to his mom. He looks from her, to the sales clerk. The sales clerk has an armful of another dress. Niou cups his boobs. "I want something for these."
His mom's face breaks out into a smile.
Niou narrows his eyes. His lips curl. "And I want one of those garter things, too."
***
The venue phones.
"We regret to inform you that we have doublebooked April the first…"
Niou says, "Puri."
June twenty-eight is half price. Niou says fine.
***
There is a special Hanami event at Disneyland.
Niou spends a weekend in a pachinko parlour. He lives under the flashing screens. The hours disappear behind the rush of metal balls. The blinking lights and music mesmerize him. He's quick with the handle. He's quicker with his wins.
The parlour owner purses his lips tight. Niou can see the indents where his teeth should be. He holds his hand out. The owner's eye twitches as he counts the bills.
His parents won't be impressed. Niou calls Marui for a drink. If he's going to be scolded, it's better with beer.
The izakaya is smoky and crowded. Niou sidles up to the bar. He sits on his wallet, and it pokes his ass. Marui shows up in a cap. "Just got off work," he says. He orders a beer and a plate of fried octopus. "It's tough supporting my girls."
"Work is so hard," Niou says. He rolls his eyes. Marui lights a cigarette.
"Shut up, asshole," Marui says. "You wouldn’t know, but I work hard."
Deadpan, Niou says, "Scooping ice cream is so tough."
Marui pats his biceps. He leans closer. His breath stinks. Niou breathes it in, just to be bad. "I have some serious muscles, you better believe."
Niou snorts. He downs his beer in one go. Then he orders a shot of sake.
He doesn't offer to pay for Marui's snacks. But Niou does swipe his share of the octopus. The oil cloys to his lips all evening, even after his mother lectures him about leaving children at home by themselves.
Spring makes Niou restless. He can't stay inside. Yagyuu doesn't understand-he goes out, he goes to Tokyo for school, he doesn't have five children tying him down. Sometimes, Niou is too stifled to move. He lies about all day. He can't think of how to escape. He's not sure he can anymore.
Yagyuu is in a different world. There is school and practical exams, study groups and friends. Niou's world is cranky toddlers and phone calls about flowers, dirty diapers and breastfeeding. On rare evenings their worlds collide. Niou comes over to Yagyuu's apartment. Yagyuu comes to Niou's place. Yagyuu only has to give Niou one look, and they are outside, in the alley behind Niou's house. Yagyuu has Niou pressed to a cement wall. His pants are around his knees. Niou's skirt is hitched up under his breasts. Yagyuu's dick throbs. Niou's cunt is on fire. He hooks a leg around Yagyuu. No, he thinks. Yes, his body says. Yagyuu's kisses are flames on his neck, and chest. Niou can't stop moaning. If he moans louder, someone will find them.
It only makes him groan harder. He shakes and comes and gasps. Yagyuu slides in and out, then he comes too.
Yagyuu picks his glasses up off the pavement. Niou says, "You have a hicky on your neck."
It's a sakura blossom on Yagyuu's skin. It matches the bows hanging around Disneyland. On the weekend, all of Tokyo flocks here, including them. Yagyuu has a fannypack. Niou makes him carry the diaper bag, too. They rent push-cars for the twins and Haruka. Niou plows through the crowds. He smirks and gets a wide berth. He gets stares, too. More or less, he's used to it now. "Look there! They have five kids-do you think they're old enough? How embarrassing! They must be from Yamagata!"
Niou pushes the whispers to the back of his mind. Outside the Tiki Hut, they stop for popcorn. It smells of curry, spicy and delicious. Niou pulls out his wallet. The fat bills disappear.
There are stands selling a dozen kinds of ears. Yagyuu wears standard black. So do Hiromi and Hiroki, and Hiroshi too. Yagyuu buys the girls each a pair of pink, with bows. The ears slip off Haruka's head. Hiroki picks them up.
Yagyuu lingers over the ears. Niou says nothing. His eyes surf the crowds. He tries to laugh at the alien eye ears, but he keeps expecting Yagyuu to buy one last pair. They will be pink and girly and match his daughters.
A pair of ears poke Niou in the temple. Yagyuu doesn't fumble. The ears slide through Niou's hair. He can't see them. Yagyuu's face is still. "Beautiful," he whispers.
A hot flush stains Niou's face. He starts to walk away when he catches a mirror in the corner of his eyes.
There is a pair of blue Stitch ears on his head.
His throat is thick. Niou weaves his fingers through Yagyuu's. He leans on Yagyuu's shoulder. Yagyuu is stiff and solid as they walk.
He's not good at saying "I love you", so instead Niou murmurs, "Can we go on the Pirates ride again?"
Yagyuu's smile is answer enough.
***
Sorry I have an exam today.
Tell Hiromi good luck for me.
Niou shuts his phone off.
He tells Hiromi nothing except, "Go put your brothers' shoes on."
Hiromi takes off his red knapsack.
Niou stuffs a child or two into the stroller. He puts shoes on another and straps the baby to his chest. Haruka squishes his boobs. He thinks about Yanagi and he hates Yanagi's flat chest.
Birds chirp. Pollen clouds the air. The sky is blue and beautiful and Niou's favourite colour. Hiromi skips to school. They walk past a pachinko parlour. Niou reads the sign for DIAMOND Play. He looks at the cluster of kids around him. Inside, Niou groans.
It takes ten minutes to walk to school. Spring breezes lift the ends of Niou's hair. His scalp itches. He watches a woman ride by on a bicycle. She has two children sitting in the back. They have perfect expressions. The boy has the same uniform as Hiromi. The sunlight flashes off the ring on her finger.
Niou rubs his ring. His skin is puffy around it. His fingers are swollen. He wants to walk faster, but the stroller slows him down.
The other mothers at school are perfect, too. They are ten years older than Niou. One wears a velour jumpsuit. Another three wear flowy, feminine tops. They all wear lipstick and they all have straight, dark hair. Niou rubs the back of his head. The bleach still burns.
Haruka starts to squirm on Niou's boobs. She whimpers. Niou rolls his eyes, just as she begins to cry. Another mother asks Niou, "Oh, is that your first?" Her tentative smile breaks when Niou raises his eyebrows. She takes in the stroller, and Hiromi, who waves at his brother as he walks into school.
The other mothers keep their distance. For now, Niou says nothing.
Hiromi tells Niou to have a good day.
Niou blinks at him.
***
The house is empty.
The house is one fifth gone.
Niou wanders.
Hiromi isn't in his bedroom. Hiromi isn't on the toilet with a magazine, trying to be just like Niou's dad. Hiromi isn't in the kitchen making a sandwich, or watching tv with Hiroki.
Nothing else explains the hollow press inside Niou's belly. He watches the clock. At half past three, his shoes are already on.
They walk back to the school in a line. Hiroki gets distracted by a cat. It spits at him. Niou tries to kick it away. The cat puffs up, then runs into a dumpster that smells of rotting crabs.
Hiromi's class pours out of the school doors in a duck line. Niou waits. Other kids run out to their parents with macaroni pictures in hand. Niou waits. A girl runs into her mother's arms. Niou taps his foot and waits.
He's the very last student to leave. Niou's throat is thick. Hiromi's hat is on sideways. He walks up to Niou without any haste. He looks like Yagyuu. He pushes his glasses up his nose, just like Yagyuu.
"What'd you do, kid?" Niou asks.
Hiromi says, "Lots of stuff."
"Your sensei nice?"
"He's a boy," Hiromi says.
"Huh," Niou says.
A man runs out through the doors. He has a blue apron on, and a painted picture in one hand. "Niou-kun, you forgot your picture!"
Hiromi says thank you.
The man looks at Niou. He scratches the bandage on his eyebrow. He makes a constipated face. Niou waits for the questions to start.
Instead, the man asks, "Did you play tennis in school?"
"Why?" Niou asks.
"So did I," the man says. He looks about Niou's age. Niou doesn't remember him. He doesn't try, either.
"Isn't being a kindergarten sensei kinda gay?" Niou asks.
Pink spots form on the man's face. He sputters and says, "Way uncool. That's none of your concern."
"'Cause I am, too," Niou says.
Sensei probably assumes Niou is a nutcase. Niou is fine with that. Mooching off pachinko money is a heck of a lot more noble than cleaning up kiddie puke and fingerpaints.
At home, Niou's mom tacks Hiromi's painting to the fridge.
Niou asks what the blobs with legs are.
Hiromi says, "Shishido-san told us to make pictures of our families."
There is no blob for Yagyuu.
***
Niou takes a piss, then he goes to the florist.
He sneezes on a bouquet of orchids.
He comes home and pees again.
Niou sits on the toilet. He looks up. There are filmy cobwebs in the corner of the ceiling. He scuffs the slippers on the floor.
This really shouldn't be a surprise.
***
Since none of them have been married before, no one knows quite what to do.
A week before, Jackal calls.
"Let's go to a bar," he says.
Niou hesitates for a moment. He meets Jackal an hour later. They sky is velvety and purple. Illuminated buildings stud the horizon with gold. It reflects off Niou's hair. The weather is perfect. He almost hopes it will remain for seven more days.
"I had to get out," Jackal says. He stirs a Mai Tai. Jackal sucks on a pineapple garnish. It matches the colour of his halter top. "If I hear anything more about leche balls, I'm gonna through Bunta out again."
Niou does not see a problem with that.
Jackal runs a hand through his hair. Niou slurps on his drink. It's blue and fruity, like him.
"The last time I kicked him out, he played his guitar all night outside the door until the neighbours called the cops," Jackal says.
"So?" Niou says.
"So I had to pay a fine," Jackal says. "I don't make enough at the coffee shop to keep paying for noise violations."
An hour later, Yukimura and Kirihara join them. Kirihara chugs a beer. When he faceplants onto the table, Niou snickers. Yukimura nurses a cup of plum wine. It's been ages since Niou has seen him. Yukimura looks older and meaner and his hair is a bit different. He talks about pro circuit players like they're all chums. Niou remembers tennis. The blue drink congeals in his throat.
"Federer was easy," Yukimura says. "He's had problems since that upset a few years ago. If you know where to strike, it's easy to bring him down. You saw my match on tv, right? Easy as pie."
Niou says sure.
Marui says he likes cake, better.
***
Presents pile up in his parents' house.
"Don't snoop," his mom says. She pulls Masako off a box.
By cover of darkness, Niou sneaks into the family room. With a nail file, he slices open the tape of the box with the silver paper. It's closest to him, and has fewer presents stacked on top. He slices through the ribbon. Niou unfolds the paper. He listens for footsteps. It's midnight. Everyone is asleep.
Niou shines a flashlight.
He drops the flashlight.
"Mixing bowls?" he hisses. "Piyo!"
The tag is from Sanada.
Niou blows a raspberry.
***
The day before, Yagyuu stops by.
"You're not supposed to see me," Niou says.
"Only the dress," Yagyuu says. He looks distant. Niou pokes Yagyuu in the side. Yagyuu doesn't flinch.
"Tofu?" Niou's mom offers.
Yagyuu says no thanks.
Niou pulls him out onto the back porch. His stomach growls. Niou ignores it. Yagyuu's glasses gleam in the porch light. Their shadows disappear into the blackness. Flies swarm over their heads.
"What?" Niou asks.
Yagyuu blinks, but he doesn't look at Niou. Niou cocks his head to the side.
"What?" Niou asks. His hands shake when he grabs Yagyuu's hand. He swings it; Yagyuu's entire body is limp.
They sit down on the cement step.
"My grandma's in the hospital again," Yagyuu mumbles. "It's pneumonia."
"She's not coming," Niou says.
Yagyuu shakes his head. His hand is cold in Niou's. Niou squeezes it.
"We don't have to have a honeymoon," Niou says. "It doesn't matter."
***
For all Niou doesn't care, he wakes up before dawn. The air conditioning is on full-blast. Niou sweats into his sheets.
The dress hangs over his window. The taffeta moves in the wafting A/C. Niou rubs his stomach. Then, he rolls over to get up and take a piss.
***
The hair stylist pins back every hair on Niou's head. The rest, she slicks back with gel.
Niou takes one look in the mirror. He snorts. He ruffles his hair and says "Perfect."
The stylist walks off with a trembling lip.
He stuffs himself into the dress. It fit better a month ago. It strains around Niou's boobs. He picks at the tape holding up the bodice.
"Let it be," his mom says. She's enjoying today a heck of a lot more than Niou is. Niou rubs at his eyes. He yawns. Jackal has to redo Niou's mascara and eye shadow three times.
"It makes me look like a tanuki," Niou says. He puckers his lips up. There's lipstick on his front teeth; Niou licks it off.
"That's the whole point of makeup," Jackal says.
Niou's dad peeks inside the door. "Almost time to go."
Niou's stomach flip-flops. He doesn't know why. He narrows his eyes. He taps his mole, but he can't shake the feeling he's forgetting something.
Niou hoists the dress up. It weighs a ton. He nearly trips down the stairs. Hiroki shouts at Niou. Niou turns. The kid slides down the stairs on his butt. There's a water pistol in his hands.
"Here, Mommy," he says. "Hiromi says you need it to keep the bad guys away."
Niou tucks the gun into his garter. It's awkward enough to walk already.
The venue is a western-style church, without the church part. It looks exotic to Niou. He stares at it through the limo window. There's a spire and fake stonework and gargoyles. He climbs out of the limo. Bells peel. Niou whips his cellphone from his bodice and snaps a picture of the church.
The sky is the same colour as the kaleisecope windows in the church.
Jackal said Niou was a traditionalist, but Niou's not a girl.
The gladiolus bouquet is awkward to carry. Yagyuu looks even more awkward with a stalk pinned across his chest. It's purple, like the light streaming in through the stained glass onto Yagyuu's head.
There's cheesy classical music and the line of their children in the front row. Niou looks across the sea of heads, some black, some balding, one pink, the others wearing hats. His body turns only one direction. His feet move only one way.
Niou doesn't trip on the step up to the altar. Sweat makes the flowers slide in his hands. He chucks the bouquet onto the floor. Masako crawls off the pew to grab it.
Yagyuu's eyes glow. His gaze is constant. Yagyuu is constant. They've been screwing around with each other for six years and Yagyuu never wavered once. Niou's heart pounds up into his throat. He can barely repeat the words. His hand shakes when Yagyuu takes it and pushes the ring onto his finger.
The breath Niou was holding is stolen by Yagyuu's kiss. The church explodes into claps and cheers. A baby starts to scream. Music swells. Yagyuu's erection pokes Niou's thigh. He can hardly keep up with Yagyuu's tongue, and Yagyuu's lips. They are everywhere. They are all over Niou's mouth: real and legal.
They turn around, but there's no one to prove to.
Niou doesn't see Yagyuu's mom in the crowd.
***
For an hour, the photographer asks Niou to be still.
Niou scowls. He squirms. Yagyuu is still and straight. He stands beside Niou. His hand is on Niou's ass. Niou wriggles even more than Haruka, or Hiroshi.
He runs to the toilet after. The hem of his dress falls into the toilet. Niou shrugs. He sniffs it and it seems okay.
Half of the day, he's bored. He stands at the head of a line. Yagyuu thanks people for coming. Yagyuu thanks Niou's parents for everything. He thanks friends for red envelopes of cash. He thanks Jackal and Yanagi for helping watch all their kids during the ceremony. Niou yawns. He picks at his fingers.
"Go get mommy some wine," he whispers to Hiromi.
Ten minutes later, Hiromi shows up with a bottle in his arms. "Is this okay?"
Niou snacks on food all evening. He and Yagyuu cut a cake. Yagyuu offers Niou a fork. Niou smushes the cake into Yagyuu's face. He grins. Cake hangs off Yagyuu's glasses. Niou's had enough wine that he licks the cake off without hesitation. Yagyuu's had enough wine that he doesn’t frown.
The only weather is a shower of rice. Niou catches it on his tongue. It crunches. He spits it out onto the sidewalk. Yanagi's heel steps in it. Niou grins.
All evening, Niou watches the slideshows and listens to the whispers. Over the years, they have changed from shock and shame to vague bemusement. "Oh they're finally married, who would have thought?"
Under the table, Niou strokes the inside of his thigh. The water gun dribbles down his calf. Haruka crawls by Yagyuu's feet, then across Niou's shoes. The MC is lame. Niou boos. Marui offers to serenade the newlyweds. Niou leans over to Yagyuu and whispers, "How much nastier can the fatty make it sound?"
"More wine?" Yagyuu offers.
Niou holds his glass out.
There is a cluster of woman. The hormones bother him. Niou adjusts his boobs in his dress. He hitches the skirt up and pulls his pantyhose down. His sister asks, "Aren't you going to throw the bouquet?"
Niou cocks his head to the side. He cups one of his ears. "Eh?"
She asks him a second time. Niou looks at these women, who all look at him, except for Sanada. Sanada lurks in the back. His jaw is tense. He's wearing flat shoes, but he's got a head on nearly everyone else, except Yanagi, and Jackal. Sanada looks like he's going to cry.
Crybaby, Niou thinks.
He tips his head back and scratches his neck. Out of the corner of his eye, Niou can see Yukimura hanging around Marui, who has draped himself across the bar between MC gigs.
Sanada watches Yukimura the entire time.
The women start to chant. "Toss it! Toss it! Toss it!"
Niou swallows. His stomach twists.
He hasn't played tennis is years. His aim can't have changed that much.
Niou throws the bouquet. It bounces off Sanada's arm and lands in Yanagi's.
***
The water gun is broken out during the dance.
And several other times.
Niou has Hiromi on filling-up duty, until half-past midnight, when the kid doesn't come back from the bathroom.
He's curled up by the mix table.
Yagyuu picks him up. Under the dim lights, his eyes are soft. "Let's go, Niou-kun" Yagyuu says.
I'm not Niou-kun anymore, Niou thinks.
Author: Ociwen
Rating: NC17
Warning: Everything you can possibly think of, and then some. Spoilers for 40.5 and the entire series.
Disclaimer: Konomi owns all, except for Marui's crocs.
Summary: Niou is a girl, and everything pushed to the edge.
Author's Notes: This is one-shot fic related to Dénoument, We'll Always Have Kanagawa and Accidentally All Right. The fics can be read separately, but they make more sense together. Written for Niou's birthday 2008. Happy Birthday Niou!
This fic has been truncated into 14 parts due to length. The parts are NOT chapters. This is a one-shot fic.
Niou picks at the jelly. Then he looks at Yagyuu from under his hair, which hangs limp and greenish over his eyes. Guilt pokes Yagyuu in the side. It feels like Niou's fingers playing in the bowl of jelly. "This is sick," he says. "Go get me a salmon bento."
Yagyuu hesitates. Hiroki tries to crawl over the foot of the narrow hospital bed. Yagyuu leans over to remove him from Niou's feet. Niou says it's fine.
"Yagyuu," he says.
Yagyuu sighs.
A nurse catches Yagyuu on the way back into the hospital. "No outside food please," she says.
His face feels hot. Through the plate glass windows, summer bakes the city. Yagyuu nods. He apologizes and excuses himself before he changes his mind.
He hands Niou the bento. It was cold at Familymart, now Niou picks at the omelette garnish. "Thanks babe," he says. He grins a mouthful of food at Yagyuu.
"Don't complain if it upsets your stomach," Yagyuu says.
Niou sticks his tongue out.
***
He's asleep in bed when the phone rings. Yagyuu rolls over and fishes around the low table. He can't see-he hopes he presses enter on his cellphone.
"Can you come to the hospital?" Niou asks.
Yagyuu's heart stops. The sun hasn't risen, but soft grey morning peeks in through the balcony window. Yagyuu doesn't have curtains.
"I can't carry both of them home by myself," Niou says.
***
Niou sits in a park adjacent to the hospital. He's playing with his cellphone when Yagyuu arrives. He barely had time to pull on a pair of shorts and the cleanest t-shirt in his wardrobe. His teeth are roughened by plaque and his glasses are grimy, but Yagyuu doesn't have time to think about that.
"What are you doing?" he asks. He shakes. He wants to shake Niou. Niou lifts his head-he's not dying. He's not in pain. He's sitting on a bench with a crooked smile on his lips.
"I checked myself out," Niou says. "It was boring."
Yagyuu's mouth hangs open. Niou closes it with his fingers. "You-you have to rest!" Yagyuu sputters. "Please, Niou-kun."
Niou shrugs. He's wearing a bathrobe and he doesn't look particularly prepared to go anywhere public. The first rush of morning traffic picks up on the streets. Sweat starts to sluice down Yagyuu's back. It'll be hotter than yesterday before noon.
Niou nods to one of the baby carriers. Yagyuu wonders where Niou got the money to buy a second, but he's not sure he wants to know. "You carry Hiroshi," Niou says.
"Hiroshi?" Yagyuu asks.
"Ran out of ideas again," Niou says.
"And the girl?" Yagyuu asks. "Is she…Masako?"
"Our minds are one," Niou says. He slides an arm around Yagyu's shoulder. It's almost like the way things were before. Niou's teeth sparkle in the mauve sunlight of morning.
Hiroshi Jr turns out to be the heavier of the two twins.
Yagyuu should have known.
***
With four kids by age nineteen, Yagyuu should be ashamed of himself.
Instead, all he can think about is when can they be mine?
Niou fills out the register again. Two more names added to Niou's family, not Yagyuu's. Yagyuu watches and says nothing. Inside, the hollowness spreads up from his belly to his chest rather like the bitterness in his throat.
I'm not denying you, he wants to tell Niou. Niou won't listen.
At school, between lectures, one of the guys from Yagyuu's study group comes up to him. "Hey, Yagyuu, we're gonna play tennis tomorrow, wanna come?"
Yagyuu shakes his head and apologizes. The words are too thick to say no.
His classmates ask if Yagyuu wants to come on a group date other times. They lean on the corridor walls. A lecturer walks by. Yagyuu drums his fingers on a window sill. The A/C makes the building cold. Outside, trees droop with humidity. The cicada song seeps through the walls.
Yagyuu shakes his head. He starts to apologize when his classmate says, "It's cool, you can bring your girlfriend, too."
Yagyuu apologizes.
He tells Niou at home-Niou's home. Niou has a baby attached to each breast. Hiromi and Hiroki run around the kitchen and chase each other. Niou's mom stops them when she asks who wants to lick the rice spoon.
When Niou's dad comes home, Niou is still nursing. His father turns away. Yagyuu bites his lip. As he turns his head, he can see Niou cringe a little.
Move in with me! Yagyuu thinks.
"I'm not ashamed," Yagyuu says. He keeps his voice quiet. Masako's eyes droop. He doesn't want to wake her. Niou tickles Hiroshi's feet to keep him awake to feed. "It's just…no one at school knows about them."
"Where were they going?" Niou asks. His voice is even.
After a moment, Yagyuu says yakiniku.
Niou's eyes narrow, but he says nothing.
Yagyuu can't even apologize.
***
His classmates ask again. And again, Yagyuu bails.
"Exams are done! Come out with us! We know some hot chicks!" They laugh between themselves. They flash victory signs and knowing glances.
Yagyuu says he has to study. He doesn't believe himself, either.
It's autumn again. He's nearly twenty. Yagyuu looks in the mirror of a school toilet. Bigger and bigger purple bags droop under his eyes. His back aches and he yawns. There's a leak in the apartment. Tape on the ceiling didn't fix it. A bucket underneath doesn't make it go away.
The hanabi of summer have come and gone, blooming and dying like the flowers. Death flowers have opened up. Lacy blossoms catch it the air as Yagyuu walks home. His cell rings.
Niou.
"I'm at Motomachi station," Niou says. His words hang in Yagyuu's ears. They cloy like the sweetness of the azuki frapp Yagyuu had for breakfast.
The nights have been lonely. Yagyuu's wrists ache. His dick swells and his balls hang heavier. He turns heel and walks the other direction-back toward the closest train station.
Niou is waiting inside the shopping arcade. He flags Yagyuu down with a nod and a raised hand.
Yagyuu stops in his tracks. Niou is surrounded by Yagyuu's classmates. They talk and laugh and Niou smirks. Yagyuu sucks in a breath. He can't see any of the kids around.
"What are you doing?" he hisses.
Niou winks at him. Then he bats his lashes. He's wearing makeup and he looks like a girl. His breasts brush Yagyuu's arm. Yagyuu's balls shiver. His pubes stand up on end.
"Your friends are having a group yakiniku date again," Niou says.
"I invited us, too," Niou adds.
Sometimes, Yagyuu misses this. When Niou slips his arm through Yagyuu's and leans on his side, Yagyuu stands a little taller. He looks at Niou, who looks back at him with dark, hungry eyes.
The empty ache in Yagyuu's chest dissolves.
***
Niou gets plastered on beer. He rolls around the tatami booth and moans. Another round of beef is ordered. Yagyuu's pants are too tight. He shakes his head and says he can't. Niou slithers over Yagyuu's lap and says he can.
Yagyuu's dick is so heavy and hot between his legs. He squirms. Niou moves on his lap. His face is too close to Yagyuu's erection. Yagyuu balls his fist. Sweat beads on his forehead as Niou rolls over his crotch. Shivers shoot up Yagyuu's thighs.
On the way home, Yagyuu half-carries Niou over his back. Niou has put on more weight. Yagyuu says nothing. Niou has had enough beer that they stop in a dim park and he lets Yagyuu fuck him.
Crickets chirp. Their bodies slap. Yagyuu grunts. He digs his hands into Niou's arms. Niou is limp and pliable. His lips are stained with beer and BBQ sauce. Yagyuu's belly explodes with sensation until he can’t hold back. He stiffens and shivers. Niou squeezes his cunt.
Yagyuu is gone.
"I just wanna have fun sometimes," Niou whines. "I'm so bored…"
Niou tucks his boobs back into his shirt before he pukes behind a tree.
Yagyuu stands and frowns until he remembers to be a gentleman.
***
Wet rain falls on Christmas.
Yagyuu asks Niou if he wants to go out. He books a table for two at a French restaurant in MM21. Yukimura recommended it. Three weeks ago, Niou turned twenty-the wine list is exquisite.
"No," Niou says.
Yagyuu swallows. There's a hard lump in his throat. He inhales through his nose. Niou cocks his head to the side. His lips quirk. His fingers pull on the hem of Yagyuu's sweater.
"Sorry," Niou says. "The twins have shots scheduled. They're gonna be cranky."
There is a pine tree crammed in behind the tv. Niou's mom cooks curry fish. Niou's sister helps Hiromi and Hiroki tie wishes to the pine branches. Niou's dad strings lights and Niou's brother helps him. Niou sits on the couch. He watches and smirks and offers one of the twins a pacifier.
Yagyuu stands in the middle of the room. He takes a deep breath. Niou doesn't look at him-Yagyuu is useless.
"Come set the table," Niou's mom says. Her apron has a snowman on the front.
It is just the two of them in the kitchen. Yagyuu lines the spoons up, vertical and straight. He switches the kettle on to make tea. The curry bubbles on the burner. Steam from the rice cooker fogs the window. Yagyuu hasn't felt this warm since September.
"Santa-san comes tomorrow," she says.
Yagyuu nods. His fingers touch the top of his pocket. His wallet is worn. Inside, it's nearly empty.
"You're welcome to stay the night," Niou's mom says. She turns to Yagyuu. Her glasses sit lower on her nose now. There are fine wrinkles around her eyes. Yagyuu wonders if, in twenty-five years, Niou will look the same.
Yagyuu says thank you, it's fine.
"Do you have enough to eat?" she asks. "Is your apartment warm enough?"
Yagyuu says it's fine.
At dinner, Niou sits on Yagyuu's right. Their hands bump as they eat. Niou's skin is warm and smooth. He licks at the curry on the side of his mouth. Yagyuu dabs at his face with a napkin. Under the table, their legs bump, too. Yagyuu shifts in his seat. Niou taps Yagyuu's foot. He strokes Yagyuu's sock with his toes. Yagyuu's cock aches. His eyes drift to Niou's breasts. They are bigger than before the twins, swollen with milk. Yagyuu swallows the fish. He closes his eyes and he can almost taste the sweetness of Niou.
"Santa-san!" Hiromi says.
Hiroki echoes him. They chant in childish tandem. The radio plays strains of carols. The pine tree glows and the wishes glitter and twist in the wafts of air when people walk past. Niou whispers, "Did you get them anything, Santa-san?"
I didn't know I was supposed to, Yagyuu thinks. "Are you Christian?" he asks.
"No," Niou says. "That's Jesus."
It isn't a picture postcard of hot tea by a fireplace. Yagyuu sits on the floor with Niou. They change the twins' diapers, one a piece. There are bean paste mochi purchased from a supermarket. Hiroki has a santa hat. Hiromi cuts snowflakes from rice paper. Yagyuu helps him unfold the snowflakes.
Everything disintegrates like snow. Wet slush falls onto the window panes outside. It clings and captures the dim, warm lights.
At nine, Yagyuu leaves. Niou hangs around in the hallway. Yagyuu wraps his scarf around his face. He turns to the window again-the rain hasn't let up. Yagyuu sighs and says nothing. Niou leans on the tips of his toes. He says nothing, either. Someone calls his name. Niou turns. An earring sparkles at the side of his neck.
Yagyuu's chest is heavy. His balls are, too. He can already hear the lonely slap of his hand under his pajama pants tonight.
"Merry Christmas," Niou says.
Yagyuu closes the door behind himself.
***
His feet are soaking before he gets to the bus stop. Yagyuu shivers under his coat. The slushy rain dampens the cloudy puffs of breath in the air. Cars splash through puddles-more water splashes onto the sidewalks. They splatter Yagyuu's face and glasses. He sighs.
The bus is filled with people. Yagyuu squeezes into a crevice near the exit by the driver. There are a dozen couples around him. Hands interlock and shoulders brush. Girls look up at their boyfriends-or husbands-with sparkling eyes. Yagyuu shifts his weight onto his other foot. His shoe squelches. His toes are numb and his glasses fog up.
Another stop comes. More couples come onto the bus. Yagyuu steps further back into the framework. His cellphone rings and he can't be bothered to be polite enough to let voicemail kick in.
"Are you coming home tomorrow?" his father asks.
"I'm not Christian," Yagyuu says.
His father hums. "Your mother was asking about you."
Yagyuu purses his lips.
After a long moment, he says, "She could call me herself."
"Is school going well?"
Yagyuu nods. "Yes," he says.
"There's a new pediatrician near the university. Tell him I sent you, if you want."
"Thank you," Yagyuu says.
In the background, his mother's voice asks who his father is talking to. Yagyuu says he has to go. He presses end. He doesn't apologize because he isn't sorry. Yagyuu stares out the window. Slushy rains keeps sluicing down the panes of glass. His bus stop whizzes by; it's veiled by darkness and mucky precipitation.
Yagyuu's shoulders sink. He presses the buzzer. Now, he'll have an extra ten minutes to walk.
He's walking in the dark. He's alone under a shower of icy rain. It cuts through Yagyuu's scarf. It dampens his mittens and freezes his toes. His cellphone buzzes again. Yagyuu walks two more steps. His throat is too thick to breath.
But he flips his cell open.
I'll marry you on April 1
***
Yagyuu closes his eyes. He can see Niou's body in the whole, and in the round. Niou has dark nipples in the soft light, but his skin glows. His breasts are round when he lies on his back. When he sits up, they sag a bit. Yagyuu rubs them. He pinches Niou's nipples. They leak.
He slips a hand under his waistband. Niou is still there. Niou whispers Yagyuu's name. He whispers dirty words that are silken in Yagyuu's ears. His dick throbs. His balls tighten. Yagyuu pants. The sound hangs in the quiet of his apartment.
He comes. It's hot and sticky and gets on his futon cover.
Yagyuu opens his eyes. He turns to the side. His vision is blurry. Niou isn't there. The apartment is deathly silent.
"Merry Christmas," he murmurs.
***
Spring time comes early.
The trees bud. Sakura blossoms burst into fragrant life. Yagyuu writes exams in February. He comes home after the last one.
Niou is there.
Niou is wearing a green bustier and a thong. He picks at his butt. His breasts squeeze out of the top; they are as full and round as they have ever been. Yagyuu stares-he can see the brown of one nipple peeking out. He drops his backpack. Niou pulls at Yagyuu's fly.
"Congrats," Niou drawls. He rubs his cunt on Yagyuu's leg. Yagyuu bucks. Niou wiggles a finger. "Not yet."
"Why?" Yagyuu asks.
Niou crosses his arms over his chest. One of his breasts pops of of the bustier. Yagyuu stares at it. His mouth is dry. His underpants are damp. He says nothing. Niou speaks. Yagyuu watches the wayward breast jiggle.
"I don't want another kid," Niou says.
Yagyuu agrees.
"So, no dick inside," Niou says.
Yagyuu agrees. Then he hears Niou's words.
"Wait," Yagyuu says. "Does that mean you will go down…?" His words hang.
Niou makes a face. "Gross, no!"
"I'd pleasure you," Yagyuu says. He locks the door. He sets his keys down. Niou stiffens as Yagyuu walks around him. Niou shivers when Yagyuu touches Niou's bum. He cups it with his palm. A tiny noise breaks from Niou's lips. Yagyuu's hand slips deeper between Niou's legs.
His pussy is wet.
Don't say yes and no, Yagyuu thinks.
He stops thinking.
Niou stops saying no.
***
A week before April, Niou shows up at Yagyuu's grandmother's house. Hiromi and Hiroki are tied up in a harness. There's a baby on his back, and another on his front.
Yagyuu's grandma sets her pen down. Her letter flutters to the floor. She offers Niou tea.
Niou offers Yagyuu a paper bag. "Present for you," he says.
Yagyuu pulls out the stick. There are two lines.
"Congrats," Niou says. "Oops, you did it again."
***
Yagyuu calls the venue.
Yagyuu cancels the flowers. He cancels the dj, too.
Niou isn't the only one.
He's at the supermarket. Yagyuu peruses the pre-made bentos. At this time of evening, there's not much left besides omelette rice and a sad selection of sashimi. Yagyuu frowns. He picks up an omelette bento. The egg slides around. It oozes.
"Hiroshi!"
Marui runs up to Yagyuu. Plastic bags hang from his elbows. The last time Yagyuu saw him, he had a moustache. Now, it's gone.
"Hiroshi, oh my god!" Marui grins from ear to ear. "Have you heard?"
Yagyuu asks what, Marui-kun?
Marui's grin glitters in the supermarket lighting. Pop music plays on loop. "This Nihonjin has colonized exotic territory! My boys have done it!"
Yagyuu pushes his glasses up. The egg slides around the bento box into the opposite corner.
"You are taking a trip?" Yagyuu asks.
Marui snickers. He jabs Yagyuu in the ribs. "Yeah right. My seeds have been sown!" Marui spins around. One of the bags slips from his arm. He doesn't notice his Converse step on a package of candy.
"Jackal's pregnant!"
***
"It works out," Niou says.
Yagyuu frowns.
"We can get married next year," Niou says. "Right after you graduate."
"That's what normal people do," Yagyuu says.
Niou's smirk falls. Guilt swells in Yagyuu's stomach, so he says, "Okay."
***
Yagyuu sits on the train. He's awake and his eyes droop. A salaryman left a newspaper on the seat three stops back. Yagyuu picks it up. He reads the headline and says, "Huh."
Inside, his heart presses against his chest. His fingers curl, but there hasn't been a tennis racket between them in years.
Yukimura wins first Grand Slam for Japan in 15 years
***
Summer slithers by. Niou waddles through it. Yagyuu signs up for a radiology seminar that will begin in September. He walks home one evening, and the elevator in his apartment has a sign pasted to the doors.
Closed for pest control. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Yagyuu sighs. His backpack digs into his shoulders. He walks to his grandmother's house. He knocks. He can hear her voice through the cicadas. The lights are on. They stream into the front garden. Sweat plasters Yagyuu's hair to his head. His phone buzzes, and he has a lab project due in three days that needs to be typed up.
Yagyuu waits. He purses his lips. He presses the buzzer a second time. Finally, his grandmother opens the door.
"I was on the phone, Hiroshi," she says.
She offers him tea and cold rice. The rolled out futon is tempting. I have my project, Yagyuu thinks. There are three years left in his program. Sanada will graduate at the end of this year. Jackal dropped out two months ago. Marui flits from job to job and Kirihara works the tennis circuit in hot pursuit of his senpai.
Yagyuu's vision is blurry. He rubs the sweat from his forehead. His glasses are dusted with motes and scum from the Tokyo commute.
Yagyuu crawls on top of the futon and collapses.
***
At half past two, his phone rings.
"Come help me get to the hospital!" Niou says. He pants hard. Yagyuu's eyes snap open. His heart pounds against his rubs. In an instant, whatever exhaustion remained in his body is gone.
"My parents are in Hiroshima," Niou says. He groans. "Fuck, Yagyuu…"
Yagyuu has one foot through through a pant leg when he realizes the buses aren't running. The train won't start for another few hours. And he can't drive.
He runs out of the spare room. The house is dark. The world is asleep.
His grandmother stands in the hallway. Keys dangle from her fingers. They flash in the midnight glow of the suburbs.
"I have a scooter," she says. "Crash it and you have to pay for it."
***
The wind whips against Yagyuu's face as he rides. The scooter won't go more than 30 clicks, or 40 when Yagyuu revs at traffic lights. His body pulses. He needs to get to Niou. Yagyuu pushes the pedal harder. The scooter chokes up smoke.
In the empty driveway of Niou's parents' house, the scooter dies. Yagyuu doesn't have time to think about his grandmother's warning.
Niou's brother flings the door open for Yagyuu. There's a toddler by his side. "The taxis aren't running," he says.
"Ambulances?" Yagyuu asks. He should have thought of it sooner. Yagyuu cringes. He takes his shoes off. Someone screams from the kitchen. It sends a cold shiver through Yagyuu's body. The A/C is on full blast. Niou screams again. "I'll KILL YOU YAGYUU!"
"We don't have time," Niou's brother says. "It's good you're here because I can't do it."
Yagyuu doesn't understand what Niou's brother means.
And then he sees Niou.
Yagyuu is training to be a dentist, not a gynaecologist.
Niou screams at him. Niou uses words that he only ever uses when Yagyuu's dick thrusts hard into his cunt. There's a bloody mess in the kitchen. Niou tries to break Yagyuu's hand. His eyes are on fire.
"Get. It. Out." he says through his teeth.
Yagyuu gulps.
Niou cracks his knuckles. He's purple in the face. Yagyuu peeks under the towel draped over Niou's legs.
The blood drain from his face in a wash of cold.
***
The first crimson rays of dawn break.
And the ambulance shows up.
***
Yagyuu might be going to dental university, but he's shitty with patients.
It takes him a week to get over sticking his hands up Niou's pussy. Niou whispers, "Umbilical cord" and Yagyuu shudders. Niou smirks. He tells the hospital it's pointless.
"You have to rest," the nurse tells him.
"Puri," Niou says.
Yagyuu brings a department store bag. He hands it to Niou. Niou peeks inside. He grins.
Between mouthfuls of yakiniku bento, Niou says, "Thanks, babe."
***
At home, it's boring. His parents bring oysters home from Hiroshima.
Niou reaches for one.
His mom shakes her head. "They're not good for you to eat right now."
Niou narrows his eyes. Someone slurps behind him. Hiromi has an open shell. He blinks at Niou. Niou narrows his eyes even more.
He's tired. The new baby-Haruka, they really do need to think of better names-is fussy. She screams all day and whimpers all night. Niou pushes his body through a sluggish haze. He sits in a chair all morning and stares at the wall. His brain dribbles through his ears. His ears are nearly deafened by the cries.
Yagyuu only comes on weekends. He brings a stack of note paper. Niou looks at it. The label says wedding card invitations.
Niou glares at Yagyuu. His mom, however, just smiles. "The paper looks lovely, Yagyuu-kun. Masaharu can't wait to fill them out."
Niou sniffs. He noses around the paper for a week. His mother leaves the card on his desk. Niou stuffs it into his closet. His mom leaves it on the table. Niou shoves it into a drawer.
His mom hands him the card. Then she gives Niou a blue pen. "Don't you want to live a respectful life?" Her smile is sad. Twins run under her apron strings. They make grabbyfists at her, instead of Niou.
Niou takes the stack of card.
***
Of all the days Yagyuu comes to visit, he comes when Niou is writing out invitations.
Sanada's is first.
Niou draws smiley faces all over the envelope. Jealous, Sanada? Niou picks up the envelope. The glue is sweet and clings to his tongue.
Yagyuu holds up the package and frowns. "No itching powder," he says.
Niou re-does Sanada's card.
***
Sanada calls two weeks later.
"I have received your invitation," he says.
Niou hums. The baby squirms on his chest. Her mouth is wet and warm and a little ticklish. He will never get used to the feeling.
"Yukimura and I will accept it," Sanada adds.
"Duh," Niou says. The baby fidgets. "Hang on, gotta fix the kid."
"You had another baby?"
"Yeah, I found it in a dumpster."
Sanada falls silent. Niou can almost hear Sanada's sharp inhale. His stomach twists. Niou frowns. Clammy hands spread across his breast. The baby sucks harder.
"What pill are you on?" Niou asks.
Sanada doesn't say anything for the longest while. Then, he mumbles, "I'm not on anything."
***
The doctor has a degree from America. She asks Niou if he's pregnant, or nursing. Niou says no.
She hands him a prescription. Niou walks out of the clinic with a sideways smile. It falters when he enters the gates to the park. He follows the gravelly path, past patchy grass. The trees are shedding their leaves. The air has the crisp smell of autumn.
The Jizo statues are always smiling.
Niou bows his head and drops three coins into a stony lap.
Sorry.
***
His days consist of a lot of nothing.
His mom leaves, and comes back with groceries, once or twice a day.
"I need some more diapers," Niou says.
She's stopped telling Niou he needs to take more responsibility. She found the jar of money two months ago. Her face fell. "What's this from?" she asked.
Niou shrugged.
Her eyes were wide, so Niou said, "Pachinko."
She frowned. Niou almost felt guilty. "I'm not selling myself," he said.
He's not sure she believes him. At least until she looks at the line of children. Hiroki has glasses now. Hiroshi and Masako have Yagyuu's nose already, and his hair, too-Niou parts it to the side, five eighths of the way across, every morning.
Niou's sister works at a department store. She comes home in the evenings. "Isn't it time to move out?" Niou asks her.
His sister raises her eyebrows. She sets her purse down. Masako makes a beeline for it. "Shouldn't we say the same about you?" his sister asks.
Niou snorts.
Niou's brother is still in school. His father works the same, long hours at the firm in downtown Yokohama. His mother attends the company holiday party with him. She wears a glitzy dress. His father wears a tux. Niou stays home and eats cup ramen and boiled shrimp. Several children streak through the house, naked. Niou turns on the tv.
Yagyuu calls, "May I come over?"
Like you need to ask, Niou thinks.
What Yagyuu doesn't ask is, Are you ready to have sex again?
Niou sighs. He flicks another channel. There's a news satire with someone in a banana suit. On the couch beside him, the baby squirms. The ripe smell of baby shit sticks to everything. Niou grunts into the phone.
He's stopped bleeding.
It's fine. The pills, remember?
Niou can't shake the apprehension. His stomach turns. He picks at the shrimp in his molars. "Yeah," he says.
By the time Yagyuu comes over, the rain has started. Yagyuu peels off his coat. His glasses are dusted with water. Drops slide off the ends of his hair. His hands are white, but his face is flushed.
Numbness spreads through Niou's pussy. He swallows. His eyes drift to Yagyuu's crotch-he's hard, of course.
Niou holds up a deck of cards. "Go fish?"
A naked toddler runs by.
***
"Hurry!" Niou gasps.
Yagyuu slides out. He pushes deeper. His mouth is slimy on Niou's neck. Niou stares at the ceiling, and cringes. His nipples ache enough from the baby. Yagyuu's teeth make the skin even more tender. His body shivers. Yagyuu takes it as a good thing.
The clock reads half-past midnight.
Yagyuu's rhythm is too slow. Niou counts numbers in his head. He does his three times tables, to nine, then back down again. Yagyuu pants. Their bodies slap. Niou's breasts shake. He squeezes his cunt. Yagyuu chokes on a groan.
Come on, Niou thinks. "Hurry!"
He squeezes harder. Yagyuu's dick burns his innards. Niou closes his eyes. He digs his fingers into Yagyuu's arm. The bathroom counter is cold. It presses into his ass. Yagyuu is heavy.
On the third squeeze, Yagyuu makes a strangled noise. He comes. He thrusts. Niou winces. He's rubbed raw inside. Each thrust, Niou can hear his skin scrape between Yagyuu's heaves.
Mostly, Niou just wants to be finished.
When Yagyuu leaves for the night, Niou sits in the bathtub. He hugs his legs and listens to the rain patter the rooftop. He listens to his parents stagger through the door, then he crawls under his futon.
The gummy hands of a child reach for him. Niou holds Hiroki close. In his other ear, Hiromi breathes, smooth and soft. They smell of baby shampoo and cream soap.
Niou stares at the ceiling, and he doesn't cringe.
***
Jackal phones.
"I have to get out of here!"
Marui yowls in the background. He's louder than the baby.
Niou meets Jackal at the beach.
"Nice organization," Jackal says.
Niou looks at the linking chain of harnesses. Hiromi has undone himself. He runs along the water's edge. Hiroki says he wants to be free. One of the twins starts to cry. Niou bounces the baby on his chest. She's asleep.
"Not really," he says.
"Aren't you worried about him?" Jackal nods to Hiromi. His face is pale.
"Not really," Niou says. He yells out, "No drowning!" Hiromi doesn't answer. He's too busy picking up sandstars. Winter wind whips up off the water. It bites through Niou's scarf. Hiroshi pulls on the leash. "Hat!" he says.
Jackal picks it up. "Here."
Hiroshi says thank you.
"He's just like Yagyuu," Jackal says.
"'Thank you' was his first word," Niou says.
"Really?"
Niou rolls his eyes.
Sunlight hides behind clouds, which stretch loosely in the grey sky. Niou's shoes sink into the sand. Hiromi runs the other direction. Jackal's baby starts to whimper. She's red-faced and has a full head of hair, underneath the onesie Jackal stuffed her into. It's pink, and looks like Marui's bad dye-job.
"You guys'll be the first to get married, you know," Jackal says.
The water is slate-coloured and choppy. Niou looks far into the horizon; he can't make out any boats. Slowly, he turns to Jackal.
"Sanada was always the traditionalist," Niou mumbles.
Jackal's sigh is a puff of white cloud. The salty air eats it up. A lone seagull surfs above them. Hiromi announces that he has eight stars, mommy, can you hold some of them?
"You're not much different," Jackal says.
Niou thinks about this.
***
He's playing on his cellphone. Marui has a foodblog. Niou clicks on the links-they're all redirects to blogs of gravure idols. Niou rubs his chest. His nipples itch. He thinks about Yagyuu's dick and feels vaguely horny.
Cold February rain dribbles down the windows. Niou downloads a new song. He eats a snack from the fridge. He drinks tea-it sat too long on the counter. Bitter green lingers on his tongue.
Niou pads around the house. "No, this way!" Hiromi says. Niou peeks around the door. Hiromi and Hiroki have colouring books out. Hiromi removes the crayon from Hiroki's left hand. "You can't have purple tennis balls!"
Yagyuu has blue balls, Niou thinks. He snickers under his breath.
His mom phones. Niou curls the phone against his ear.
"There's a sale on at Haute Versailles," she says. "We should look at the wedding dresses there."
"That's boring," Niou says.
"You don't have a dress yet."
Niou says whatever.
"Don't you want to look pretty for Yagyuu-kun?"
Niou is not convinced that Yagyuu will care what he wears. Yagyuu's only concern will be how to take it off Niou. "You pick something out for me."
His mother sighs. "It doesn't work that way. A wedding takes a lot of planning. Have you done anything?"
Niou takes the easy route: he lies.
***
They go on Saturday.
Niou is stuffed into a dozen dresses. Maybe more.
They are all white and frilly. They all look the same. They pinch his middle and push his boobs up. The store clerks put veils on Niou's head. He's trapped behind the mesh and silk. It hurts to breathe. Silk corsets crack his ribs. Niou scratches his butt. His mother frowns.
"Do you like this?"
"What about this?"
"This fit is more flattering."
"You need less ruffles in the back."
"Do you like the lace? We can alter it, if you want."
Niou lifts his head. There's a girl staring back in the mirror. She pouts and her hair is a flyaway mess. Niou cocks his head. She does too. Niou can see an inch of black roots in her hair. The only thing he recognizes is the mole on her chin.
The him of ten years ago would be laughing at her.
Niou turns to his mom. He looks from her, to the sales clerk. The sales clerk has an armful of another dress. Niou cups his boobs. "I want something for these."
His mom's face breaks out into a smile.
Niou narrows his eyes. His lips curl. "And I want one of those garter things, too."
***
The venue phones.
"We regret to inform you that we have doublebooked April the first…"
Niou says, "Puri."
June twenty-eight is half price. Niou says fine.
***
There is a special Hanami event at Disneyland.
Niou spends a weekend in a pachinko parlour. He lives under the flashing screens. The hours disappear behind the rush of metal balls. The blinking lights and music mesmerize him. He's quick with the handle. He's quicker with his wins.
The parlour owner purses his lips tight. Niou can see the indents where his teeth should be. He holds his hand out. The owner's eye twitches as he counts the bills.
His parents won't be impressed. Niou calls Marui for a drink. If he's going to be scolded, it's better with beer.
The izakaya is smoky and crowded. Niou sidles up to the bar. He sits on his wallet, and it pokes his ass. Marui shows up in a cap. "Just got off work," he says. He orders a beer and a plate of fried octopus. "It's tough supporting my girls."
"Work is so hard," Niou says. He rolls his eyes. Marui lights a cigarette.
"Shut up, asshole," Marui says. "You wouldn’t know, but I work hard."
Deadpan, Niou says, "Scooping ice cream is so tough."
Marui pats his biceps. He leans closer. His breath stinks. Niou breathes it in, just to be bad. "I have some serious muscles, you better believe."
Niou snorts. He downs his beer in one go. Then he orders a shot of sake.
He doesn't offer to pay for Marui's snacks. But Niou does swipe his share of the octopus. The oil cloys to his lips all evening, even after his mother lectures him about leaving children at home by themselves.
Spring makes Niou restless. He can't stay inside. Yagyuu doesn't understand-he goes out, he goes to Tokyo for school, he doesn't have five children tying him down. Sometimes, Niou is too stifled to move. He lies about all day. He can't think of how to escape. He's not sure he can anymore.
Yagyuu is in a different world. There is school and practical exams, study groups and friends. Niou's world is cranky toddlers and phone calls about flowers, dirty diapers and breastfeeding. On rare evenings their worlds collide. Niou comes over to Yagyuu's apartment. Yagyuu comes to Niou's place. Yagyuu only has to give Niou one look, and they are outside, in the alley behind Niou's house. Yagyuu has Niou pressed to a cement wall. His pants are around his knees. Niou's skirt is hitched up under his breasts. Yagyuu's dick throbs. Niou's cunt is on fire. He hooks a leg around Yagyuu. No, he thinks. Yes, his body says. Yagyuu's kisses are flames on his neck, and chest. Niou can't stop moaning. If he moans louder, someone will find them.
It only makes him groan harder. He shakes and comes and gasps. Yagyuu slides in and out, then he comes too.
Yagyuu picks his glasses up off the pavement. Niou says, "You have a hicky on your neck."
It's a sakura blossom on Yagyuu's skin. It matches the bows hanging around Disneyland. On the weekend, all of Tokyo flocks here, including them. Yagyuu has a fannypack. Niou makes him carry the diaper bag, too. They rent push-cars for the twins and Haruka. Niou plows through the crowds. He smirks and gets a wide berth. He gets stares, too. More or less, he's used to it now. "Look there! They have five kids-do you think they're old enough? How embarrassing! They must be from Yamagata!"
Niou pushes the whispers to the back of his mind. Outside the Tiki Hut, they stop for popcorn. It smells of curry, spicy and delicious. Niou pulls out his wallet. The fat bills disappear.
There are stands selling a dozen kinds of ears. Yagyuu wears standard black. So do Hiromi and Hiroki, and Hiroshi too. Yagyuu buys the girls each a pair of pink, with bows. The ears slip off Haruka's head. Hiroki picks them up.
Yagyuu lingers over the ears. Niou says nothing. His eyes surf the crowds. He tries to laugh at the alien eye ears, but he keeps expecting Yagyuu to buy one last pair. They will be pink and girly and match his daughters.
A pair of ears poke Niou in the temple. Yagyuu doesn't fumble. The ears slide through Niou's hair. He can't see them. Yagyuu's face is still. "Beautiful," he whispers.
A hot flush stains Niou's face. He starts to walk away when he catches a mirror in the corner of his eyes.
There is a pair of blue Stitch ears on his head.
His throat is thick. Niou weaves his fingers through Yagyuu's. He leans on Yagyuu's shoulder. Yagyuu is stiff and solid as they walk.
He's not good at saying "I love you", so instead Niou murmurs, "Can we go on the Pirates ride again?"
Yagyuu's smile is answer enough.
***
Sorry I have an exam today.
Tell Hiromi good luck for me.
Niou shuts his phone off.
He tells Hiromi nothing except, "Go put your brothers' shoes on."
Hiromi takes off his red knapsack.
Niou stuffs a child or two into the stroller. He puts shoes on another and straps the baby to his chest. Haruka squishes his boobs. He thinks about Yanagi and he hates Yanagi's flat chest.
Birds chirp. Pollen clouds the air. The sky is blue and beautiful and Niou's favourite colour. Hiromi skips to school. They walk past a pachinko parlour. Niou reads the sign for DIAMOND Play. He looks at the cluster of kids around him. Inside, Niou groans.
It takes ten minutes to walk to school. Spring breezes lift the ends of Niou's hair. His scalp itches. He watches a woman ride by on a bicycle. She has two children sitting in the back. They have perfect expressions. The boy has the same uniform as Hiromi. The sunlight flashes off the ring on her finger.
Niou rubs his ring. His skin is puffy around it. His fingers are swollen. He wants to walk faster, but the stroller slows him down.
The other mothers at school are perfect, too. They are ten years older than Niou. One wears a velour jumpsuit. Another three wear flowy, feminine tops. They all wear lipstick and they all have straight, dark hair. Niou rubs the back of his head. The bleach still burns.
Haruka starts to squirm on Niou's boobs. She whimpers. Niou rolls his eyes, just as she begins to cry. Another mother asks Niou, "Oh, is that your first?" Her tentative smile breaks when Niou raises his eyebrows. She takes in the stroller, and Hiromi, who waves at his brother as he walks into school.
The other mothers keep their distance. For now, Niou says nothing.
Hiromi tells Niou to have a good day.
Niou blinks at him.
***
The house is empty.
The house is one fifth gone.
Niou wanders.
Hiromi isn't in his bedroom. Hiromi isn't on the toilet with a magazine, trying to be just like Niou's dad. Hiromi isn't in the kitchen making a sandwich, or watching tv with Hiroki.
Nothing else explains the hollow press inside Niou's belly. He watches the clock. At half past three, his shoes are already on.
They walk back to the school in a line. Hiroki gets distracted by a cat. It spits at him. Niou tries to kick it away. The cat puffs up, then runs into a dumpster that smells of rotting crabs.
Hiromi's class pours out of the school doors in a duck line. Niou waits. Other kids run out to their parents with macaroni pictures in hand. Niou waits. A girl runs into her mother's arms. Niou taps his foot and waits.
He's the very last student to leave. Niou's throat is thick. Hiromi's hat is on sideways. He walks up to Niou without any haste. He looks like Yagyuu. He pushes his glasses up his nose, just like Yagyuu.
"What'd you do, kid?" Niou asks.
Hiromi says, "Lots of stuff."
"Your sensei nice?"
"He's a boy," Hiromi says.
"Huh," Niou says.
A man runs out through the doors. He has a blue apron on, and a painted picture in one hand. "Niou-kun, you forgot your picture!"
Hiromi says thank you.
The man looks at Niou. He scratches the bandage on his eyebrow. He makes a constipated face. Niou waits for the questions to start.
Instead, the man asks, "Did you play tennis in school?"
"Why?" Niou asks.
"So did I," the man says. He looks about Niou's age. Niou doesn't remember him. He doesn't try, either.
"Isn't being a kindergarten sensei kinda gay?" Niou asks.
Pink spots form on the man's face. He sputters and says, "Way uncool. That's none of your concern."
"'Cause I am, too," Niou says.
Sensei probably assumes Niou is a nutcase. Niou is fine with that. Mooching off pachinko money is a heck of a lot more noble than cleaning up kiddie puke and fingerpaints.
At home, Niou's mom tacks Hiromi's painting to the fridge.
Niou asks what the blobs with legs are.
Hiromi says, "Shishido-san told us to make pictures of our families."
There is no blob for Yagyuu.
***
Niou takes a piss, then he goes to the florist.
He sneezes on a bouquet of orchids.
He comes home and pees again.
Niou sits on the toilet. He looks up. There are filmy cobwebs in the corner of the ceiling. He scuffs the slippers on the floor.
This really shouldn't be a surprise.
***
Since none of them have been married before, no one knows quite what to do.
A week before, Jackal calls.
"Let's go to a bar," he says.
Niou hesitates for a moment. He meets Jackal an hour later. They sky is velvety and purple. Illuminated buildings stud the horizon with gold. It reflects off Niou's hair. The weather is perfect. He almost hopes it will remain for seven more days.
"I had to get out," Jackal says. He stirs a Mai Tai. Jackal sucks on a pineapple garnish. It matches the colour of his halter top. "If I hear anything more about leche balls, I'm gonna through Bunta out again."
Niou does not see a problem with that.
Jackal runs a hand through his hair. Niou slurps on his drink. It's blue and fruity, like him.
"The last time I kicked him out, he played his guitar all night outside the door until the neighbours called the cops," Jackal says.
"So?" Niou says.
"So I had to pay a fine," Jackal says. "I don't make enough at the coffee shop to keep paying for noise violations."
An hour later, Yukimura and Kirihara join them. Kirihara chugs a beer. When he faceplants onto the table, Niou snickers. Yukimura nurses a cup of plum wine. It's been ages since Niou has seen him. Yukimura looks older and meaner and his hair is a bit different. He talks about pro circuit players like they're all chums. Niou remembers tennis. The blue drink congeals in his throat.
"Federer was easy," Yukimura says. "He's had problems since that upset a few years ago. If you know where to strike, it's easy to bring him down. You saw my match on tv, right? Easy as pie."
Niou says sure.
Marui says he likes cake, better.
***
Presents pile up in his parents' house.
"Don't snoop," his mom says. She pulls Masako off a box.
By cover of darkness, Niou sneaks into the family room. With a nail file, he slices open the tape of the box with the silver paper. It's closest to him, and has fewer presents stacked on top. He slices through the ribbon. Niou unfolds the paper. He listens for footsteps. It's midnight. Everyone is asleep.
Niou shines a flashlight.
He drops the flashlight.
"Mixing bowls?" he hisses. "Piyo!"
The tag is from Sanada.
Niou blows a raspberry.
***
The day before, Yagyuu stops by.
"You're not supposed to see me," Niou says.
"Only the dress," Yagyuu says. He looks distant. Niou pokes Yagyuu in the side. Yagyuu doesn't flinch.
"Tofu?" Niou's mom offers.
Yagyuu says no thanks.
Niou pulls him out onto the back porch. His stomach growls. Niou ignores it. Yagyuu's glasses gleam in the porch light. Their shadows disappear into the blackness. Flies swarm over their heads.
"What?" Niou asks.
Yagyuu blinks, but he doesn't look at Niou. Niou cocks his head to the side.
"What?" Niou asks. His hands shake when he grabs Yagyuu's hand. He swings it; Yagyuu's entire body is limp.
They sit down on the cement step.
"My grandma's in the hospital again," Yagyuu mumbles. "It's pneumonia."
"She's not coming," Niou says.
Yagyuu shakes his head. His hand is cold in Niou's. Niou squeezes it.
"We don't have to have a honeymoon," Niou says. "It doesn't matter."
***
For all Niou doesn't care, he wakes up before dawn. The air conditioning is on full-blast. Niou sweats into his sheets.
The dress hangs over his window. The taffeta moves in the wafting A/C. Niou rubs his stomach. Then, he rolls over to get up and take a piss.
***
The hair stylist pins back every hair on Niou's head. The rest, she slicks back with gel.
Niou takes one look in the mirror. He snorts. He ruffles his hair and says "Perfect."
The stylist walks off with a trembling lip.
He stuffs himself into the dress. It fit better a month ago. It strains around Niou's boobs. He picks at the tape holding up the bodice.
"Let it be," his mom says. She's enjoying today a heck of a lot more than Niou is. Niou rubs at his eyes. He yawns. Jackal has to redo Niou's mascara and eye shadow three times.
"It makes me look like a tanuki," Niou says. He puckers his lips up. There's lipstick on his front teeth; Niou licks it off.
"That's the whole point of makeup," Jackal says.
Niou's dad peeks inside the door. "Almost time to go."
Niou's stomach flip-flops. He doesn't know why. He narrows his eyes. He taps his mole, but he can't shake the feeling he's forgetting something.
Niou hoists the dress up. It weighs a ton. He nearly trips down the stairs. Hiroki shouts at Niou. Niou turns. The kid slides down the stairs on his butt. There's a water pistol in his hands.
"Here, Mommy," he says. "Hiromi says you need it to keep the bad guys away."
Niou tucks the gun into his garter. It's awkward enough to walk already.
The venue is a western-style church, without the church part. It looks exotic to Niou. He stares at it through the limo window. There's a spire and fake stonework and gargoyles. He climbs out of the limo. Bells peel. Niou whips his cellphone from his bodice and snaps a picture of the church.
The sky is the same colour as the kaleisecope windows in the church.
Jackal said Niou was a traditionalist, but Niou's not a girl.
The gladiolus bouquet is awkward to carry. Yagyuu looks even more awkward with a stalk pinned across his chest. It's purple, like the light streaming in through the stained glass onto Yagyuu's head.
There's cheesy classical music and the line of their children in the front row. Niou looks across the sea of heads, some black, some balding, one pink, the others wearing hats. His body turns only one direction. His feet move only one way.
Niou doesn't trip on the step up to the altar. Sweat makes the flowers slide in his hands. He chucks the bouquet onto the floor. Masako crawls off the pew to grab it.
Yagyuu's eyes glow. His gaze is constant. Yagyuu is constant. They've been screwing around with each other for six years and Yagyuu never wavered once. Niou's heart pounds up into his throat. He can barely repeat the words. His hand shakes when Yagyuu takes it and pushes the ring onto his finger.
The breath Niou was holding is stolen by Yagyuu's kiss. The church explodes into claps and cheers. A baby starts to scream. Music swells. Yagyuu's erection pokes Niou's thigh. He can hardly keep up with Yagyuu's tongue, and Yagyuu's lips. They are everywhere. They are all over Niou's mouth: real and legal.
They turn around, but there's no one to prove to.
Niou doesn't see Yagyuu's mom in the crowd.
***
For an hour, the photographer asks Niou to be still.
Niou scowls. He squirms. Yagyuu is still and straight. He stands beside Niou. His hand is on Niou's ass. Niou wriggles even more than Haruka, or Hiroshi.
He runs to the toilet after. The hem of his dress falls into the toilet. Niou shrugs. He sniffs it and it seems okay.
Half of the day, he's bored. He stands at the head of a line. Yagyuu thanks people for coming. Yagyuu thanks Niou's parents for everything. He thanks friends for red envelopes of cash. He thanks Jackal and Yanagi for helping watch all their kids during the ceremony. Niou yawns. He picks at his fingers.
"Go get mommy some wine," he whispers to Hiromi.
Ten minutes later, Hiromi shows up with a bottle in his arms. "Is this okay?"
Niou snacks on food all evening. He and Yagyuu cut a cake. Yagyuu offers Niou a fork. Niou smushes the cake into Yagyuu's face. He grins. Cake hangs off Yagyuu's glasses. Niou's had enough wine that he licks the cake off without hesitation. Yagyuu's had enough wine that he doesn’t frown.
The only weather is a shower of rice. Niou catches it on his tongue. It crunches. He spits it out onto the sidewalk. Yanagi's heel steps in it. Niou grins.
All evening, Niou watches the slideshows and listens to the whispers. Over the years, they have changed from shock and shame to vague bemusement. "Oh they're finally married, who would have thought?"
Under the table, Niou strokes the inside of his thigh. The water gun dribbles down his calf. Haruka crawls by Yagyuu's feet, then across Niou's shoes. The MC is lame. Niou boos. Marui offers to serenade the newlyweds. Niou leans over to Yagyuu and whispers, "How much nastier can the fatty make it sound?"
"More wine?" Yagyuu offers.
Niou holds his glass out.
There is a cluster of woman. The hormones bother him. Niou adjusts his boobs in his dress. He hitches the skirt up and pulls his pantyhose down. His sister asks, "Aren't you going to throw the bouquet?"
Niou cocks his head to the side. He cups one of his ears. "Eh?"
She asks him a second time. Niou looks at these women, who all look at him, except for Sanada. Sanada lurks in the back. His jaw is tense. He's wearing flat shoes, but he's got a head on nearly everyone else, except Yanagi, and Jackal. Sanada looks like he's going to cry.
Crybaby, Niou thinks.
He tips his head back and scratches his neck. Out of the corner of his eye, Niou can see Yukimura hanging around Marui, who has draped himself across the bar between MC gigs.
Sanada watches Yukimura the entire time.
The women start to chant. "Toss it! Toss it! Toss it!"
Niou swallows. His stomach twists.
He hasn't played tennis is years. His aim can't have changed that much.
Niou throws the bouquet. It bounces off Sanada's arm and lands in Yanagi's.
***
The water gun is broken out during the dance.
And several other times.
Niou has Hiromi on filling-up duty, until half-past midnight, when the kid doesn't come back from the bathroom.
He's curled up by the mix table.
Yagyuu picks him up. Under the dim lights, his eyes are soft. "Let's go, Niou-kun" Yagyuu says.
I'm not Niou-kun anymore, Niou thinks.