FIC: Push/Pull, Yagyuu/Niou, NC17 (8/14)
Title: Push/Pull (8/14)
Author: Ociwen
Rating: NC17
Warning: Everything you can possibly think of, and then some. Spoilers for 40.5 and the entire series.
Disclaimer: Konomi owns all, except for Marui's crocs.
Summary: Niou is a girl, and everything pushed to the edge.
Author's Notes: This is one-shot fic related to Dénoument, We'll Always Have Kanagawa and Accidentally All Right. The fics can be read separately, but they make more sense together. Written for Niou's birthday 2008. Happy Birthday Niou!
This fic has been truncated into 14 parts due to length. The parts are NOT chapters. This is a one-shot fic.
Yagyuu holds Niou's hair back.
Niou pukes his guts out. His esophagus lands into the toilet.
"Let me die," he moans.
Yagyuu is solid. Yagyuu says nothing. Yagyuu helps Niou with the baby. Everything hurts. His body is peeling off his insides, which are crawling up through his stomach. Niou can't stop puking. He pukes until there's nothing left. Then, he pukes up foamy green bile.
His head hurts so bad that smashing his skull on the toilet would be better. Niou can't even lift his body for that. He collapses onto the floor. Yagyuu touches his shoulder. He doesn't murmur sweet anythings in Niou's ears. He is there. He's silent. He doesn't yell at Niou, and he doesn't tell Niou off either.
Niou moans between heaves. "I'm sorry I'm such a shitty mom," he mumbles.
Yagyuu combs the puke from Niou's hair.
***
Niou wakes up for dinner. His mouth is crusty. His eyes are fuzzy. His body is covered in a film of sweat and chalky scum from the club. He stumbles to the toilet, but he doesn't vomit. He sits down, takes a piss, and shuffles into the kitchen.
It's Yagyuu's grandma's house. She's making miso soup. Niou squints from Yagyuu, to the kids, to Yagyuu's grandma. Niou's face feels cold. There's a hot summer wind blowing in through the window.
"We all have our rebellions," Yagyuu's grandma says. She gives Niou a bowl of soup. His stomach churns; he's almost hungry enough to eat.
Hiromi plays with blocks on the floor. The baby is propped up in a rocking seat. Niou looks at him. He swallows hard, but the mucus catches on his raw throat.
Yagyuu's grandma opens the sliding door. She walks into the small yard. Yagyuu and Niou are almost alone. Hiromi sets a block down. He stares at Niou with myopic eyes. Niou stares at him. He can't open his arms: here, hug me, Hiromi-chan, mommy loves you.
Niou turns away. White sheets hang limp in the stagnant air outside. Niou sweats cold along his hairline. Yagyuu's lips are thin and white. He turns to the sliding door. His grandma has closed it behind herself.
The bowl of watermelon sits on the table between Yagyuu and Niou. Two or three tiny fruit flies hover over it. Two or three more hover up in the fluorescent light.
Time drips like the sweat down Niou's face.
Yagyuu's chair creaks. "I deleted Kikumaru's phone number from your cell," he says.
"Who's Kikumaru?" Niou rubs his temple. A phantom headache lingers.
"I brained him in junior high school tennis," Yagyuu says. "Did he try to pick you up at the club?"
Niou groans. He rubs his fingertips in circles. He pushes on his skull harder. "I don't know," he says. His voice sounds like a whine. Niou cringes. His mouth is fuzzy. It tastes like ass. With only the fluorescent light the kitchen is dim, but the green tinge on the walls doesn't help.
"Tell me what's wrong!" Yagyuu says. He lunges over the table to grab Niou's hands. Yagyuu is warm. His touch is clammy and moist. Niou can't pull away. "Please let me help you," Yagyuu says. "Masaharu…"
Niou shakes his head. His eyes twitch, but he won't cry. He's not like Sanada. Niou swallows the garbage taste on his tongue. "I'm just…tired," he says.
Yagyuu pushes hair from Niou's eyes. His glasses slip down his nose. His breath smells like tea. He is close enough to kiss Niou hard on the mouth, but instead Yagyuu does nothing. He squeezes Niou's hands tighter. "Let me help you," he says. His words rush; they are too fast for Niou to catch. "Move in with me. Let me help. I can drop out of school and get a job-"
"No!" Niou snaps. "Don't ruin your life!"
Yagyuu's face twists. "I've already ruined yours!" he shouts.
They sit across from each other. Yagyuu breathes hard. Niou doesn't breathe at all.
Hiroki starts to scream.
***
Yagyuu walks Niou home. Niou doesn't speak to him. He doesn't need a babysitter. He lurks in the shadows where it is easier to pout. Besides, his temple is sensitive to the yellow glare of the street lamps.
"I love you," Yagyuu says. "If there's something wrong, please tell me." Their footsteps stick in the heavy air. There is no one out tonight except lonely alley cats. They dart in front of the stroller that Yagyuu pushes. Niou holds on Hiromi's hand. He walks on his tiptoes and he doesn't let go of Niou.
"You're not a bad mother," Yagyuu says. "I want you to be happy, Niou-kun."
There is a thick lump in Niou's throat. It won't be pushed down no matter how much he tries to swallow. Words cloy to the roof of his mouth. Niou sighs.
"Then finish school and be a dentist," Niou mutters. When Yagyuu blinks at him he snorts.
"I want a dog and a house, with a yard," Niou adds. They walk past a row of garbage bins. A raccoon dog runs out from behind one. It scurries across the street. Hiromi doesn't run after it-he yawns instead.
"A yard?" Yagyuu asks.
Niou almost smirks. "It has to be big enough for water balloon fights."
Yagyuu doesn't laugh, but the tension slackens a little.
***
For once, Yagyuu doesn't push Niou. And Niou doesn't pull away.
When the baby isn't screaming, Niou catches up on his brother's anime DVDs. He reads comics and goes for walks. He keeps Hiromi on a leash-the kid doesn't try to strangle ducks or eat bark. Hiromi collects stones and keeps them on the porch. Sometimes, Niou rolls over on the futon mattress to pull pebbles out from underneath.
Yagyuu writes exams. Niou plays pachinko. Now that he's an adult (sorta), it's not as much fun sneaking into the blinking, blaring parlours. He selects his machines by prime numbers or multiples of seven. The other players scowl when Niou's baskets fill with the little silver balls. Niou smirks.
Yukimura is in America, or Germany or Thailand. Niou almost never speaks to Sanada or Yanagi. Jackal calls once a week. He comes over in the middle of the day. They eat pickles and sushi and drink pepsi. Occaisonally, they pass a smoke between their fingers when Niou's mom is out and the windows are wide open.
"Bunta's growing another moustache," Jackal says.
"That's nasty," Niou says. He sniffs the air, then he changes the baby's diaper.
"You're fast," Jackal says. Niou flips the baby over and tightens the sticky tape. He raises an eyebrow at Jackal.
"Jealous?" he asks.
"Not really," Jackal says. "Do you want to go out for a drink tonight?"
Niou drinks with Marui. His pachinko pocket change pays for all-you-can drink happy hours at pizza joints, or Japanese-style bars. Niou nurses beers. Marui alternates between fried snacks and whiskey.
"It's tough being eighteen," Marui says. He belches. Niou one-ups him with another.
"Maybe I should check out those Filippino chicks on the internet," Marui says. "I just want some action, you know?" He strokes his moustache. The half-dozen stray hairs crinkle like pubes. Niou feels nauseated enough to leave. He's home by four o'clock and his mother never knows he leaves the kids alone with Jackal.
By day he and Yagyuu live their own lives. They intersect only when Yagyuu comes over at night, or if Niou takes Hiromi and Hiroki to Yagyuu's grandma's for supper. His own mother doesn't always cook. Niou can't always think of anything better than instant ramen.
Yagyuu's grandma goes on vacation to America. The summer swelter has lessened, but the autumn cool hasn't set in. The days are shorter and the sunsets more vivid. Niou walks to Yagyuu's grandma's house. She asked if he could water her plants.
Her front garden has violets in clay baskets. There are lights on inside. Niou can smell fried fish. His stomach growls. He rubs his belly. Hiromi says he's hungry.
Yagyuu is in the kitchen. He bends over a frying pan. Oil mists the air in a thick cloud.
"Aren't you domestic," Niou says. Yagyuu has an apron on. There are fresh flowers on the table. Niou thinks that they look like they were picked in an abandoned lot-it's just weedy forget-me-nots and straggly daisies. He says nothing. There are two place settings at the table and a bottle of wine.
Niou looks at Yagyuu. Yagyuu holds his chin up high. His gaze settles on Niou's chest. Niou is wearing a thin t-shirt. His nipples stiffen. His cunt has a deep-set tingle. They haven't had sex since before the baby was born.
"My grandmother's gone until Saturday," Yagyuu says. "She's visiting an old friend in Illinois."
Hiromi eats first. He watches tv as Niou nurses the baby. Yagyuu watches Niou. His eyes are black and hungry. He won't look away when he and Niou eat dinner. The steamed vegetables are too limp. The fish is dry. Yagyuu's rice sticks to Niou's tongue. Niou's insides are hot. The air conditioning blows over his skin. It makes the hairs stand up. He picks at the collar of his shirt to fan himself.
Niou calls his mother. Yagyuu puts the kids to bed. "I'm not coming home tonight," Niou tells her. He plays with his rat tail.
"I didn't think so," she says.
Niou's face is hot when he ends the call. He flips his cellphone closed and Yagyuu's lips are on the back of his neck. His kisses are slow and wet. The saliva lingers. Niou moans. Yagyuu turns him around to kiss him on the lips.
"Is this okay?"
Niou moans again. Yagyuu's fingers stroke the tight skin across his hip. It tickles and Niou shivers.
Yagyuu peels Niou's clothes off, piece by piece. Niou lies on the floor of the spare room-it's Yagyuu's now. There are enough textbooks and folded piles of underwear that Niou knows Yagyuu has given up living with his parents. Yagyuu pads across the room. He's naked. His skin glistens with sweat and his dick is hard. He rubs his face between Niou's breasts. He touches Niou's butt. Niou's hands splay across Yagyuu's bum. The heat burns his cunt. He spreads his legs. Niou murmurs Yagyuu's name. He closes his eyes.
Yagyuu turns out the light. They can't see each other blush or fumble. Yagyuu feels the floor with his hands. He's blind without glasses, but his fingertips are quick to find Niou. They lay, pressed spoon-like and curled up on the tatami.
"I want you to come tonight," Yagyuu says. "I want you to be happy."
Niou rolls his eyes. He waits for Yagyuu to crawl on top of him. Instead, Yagyuu's hand slips between Niou's thighs. He rubs Niou's clit. Niou gasps. Yagyuu rubs harder. Niou bites his lip. Yagyuu kisses his ear. His hands won't stop. Niou squirms. Feverish pleasure makes him pant. His body twitches. He burns hotter and hotter. Yagyuu's fingers slip in and out of his cunt. Niou is wet and desperate. His eyes snap open and he cries when he comes.
Niou doesn't notice when Yagyuu slides inside. He's too fixated on the words hanging in the darkness. I love you. I want you to be happy. I love you so much…
***
There is leftover watermelon in the fridge. Niou sneaks out in the darkness for a snack. Yagyuu follows a minute or so later. In the middle of the night, the crickets chirp underneath the windows. Yagyuu licks the watermelon juice from Niou's fingers. Niou licks the sticky sweetness from Yagyuu's chest.
They have sex all over again. Niou is pressed to the kitchen table. Yagyuu is pressed to him. Niou throws his head back and comes. Yagyuu shudders. He grunts and comes, too. His grip tightens on Niou's hips. Their bodies slap. The table scrapes on the floor. There is a bang and a crash.
One of the houseplants ends up on the floor.
Niou turns on the light. Yagyuu is flushed from sex. His hair is a mess. Niou wants to run his hands through it again. He looks at the spilled dirt on the floor and he starts to laugh.
Yagyuu joins in and Niou can't remember the last time he let go.
***
Yagyuu turns nineteen and gets his own place.
"Will you move in with me?" Yagyuu asks.
"No," Niou says. He plays with the ring on his finger. It feels tighter than it used to. It won’t come off. Hiroki makes grabbyfists at it. When Niou tells him no too, he starts to scream. Niou doesn’t notice the headaches anymore. The throb has dulled into a continuous pulse at the back of his skull. He offers a boob, but Hiroki keeps howling.
He can’t cook and he can’t clean. There are a thousand things Yagyuu’s apartment needs. Niou takes the escalator to the women’s lingerie floor. The stroller is awkward to manoeuvre. Holding on Hiromi’s hand, too, makes it even worse.
"You can play with this," Niou says. He gives Hiromi a lacy bra. The kid looks confused. There are displays of silk panties and rows of patterned bras. Niou wonders if the manthongs are on this floor. He snickers under his breath, but his face is hot.
Niou can’t really pick out lingerie. His old stuff doesn’t fit. He holds up creamy satin and shakes his head. Hiromi asks if Niou likes the blue set. He does-too bad the size is wrong.
Hiroki starts to whine. Niou reaches for the first thing in sight to give to the baby. He gums a package of garters. Behind it on the rack is a green bustier. Niou blinks. Bingo.
"Aren't you going for something a little racier?"
Niou purses his lips. He looks up. Yanagi is lording over him. He has a baby wrapped in blue blankets in a Bugaboo stroller. The toddler is immaculate in a pink dress. She has the same expression and long face as Yanagi. Niou's eyes shift to his stroller. Hiroki's blanket has holes. There's puke crusted to the edges. Hiromi tugs on his harness.
Niou narrows his eyes at Yanagi. Yanagi raises his eyebrows. I prefer to keep my legs closed and my crotch covered occasionally, Niou thinks. Out loud, he snorts. "Shouldn't you be looking at the handcuff section for the wonderchibi by now?" Niou asks.
"I'll go there after we finish at the supermarket," Yanagi says. "I'm making Akaya beef hot pot."
Niou deflates. He narrows his eyes until his vision blurs. Yanagi keeps smirking. His daughter and Hiromi keep staring at each other.
Yanagi leaves first. Niou unclenches his jaw. He looks at the bustier and his insides feel hollow.
***
He slaves over the burners.
He slaves in the oven.
His hands are chopped to the bone.
His fingers are pickled to the tendon.
His arms are scalded, burned and battered.
Hiromi says he's hungry.
"Are these okay?" Niou asks. His mother smiles. Niou can't tell if it's a good or a bad thing. She helps him wrap the food up in an old-fashioned lacquer bento. Niou stashes the LeSportsac bag under the stroller. His mother can't see the green bustier; he stands in front of the stroller to block her view just in case.
"Are you going to be late?" she asks. Her eyes linger on Hiromi.
Niou shrugs.
She sighs. "Are you going to be staying overnight at Yagyuu-kun's?"
Niou opens his mouth. "No! We're not doing that!" he snaps.
His mother looks at him. Niou feels two inches high.
Since they skipped Yagyuu's birthday, Niou buys melon pans at the convenience store. Autumn is crisp in the air. Niou's hands are cold. He rubs them together. Hiromi says he can't see. They walk back ten minutes in the dark before Hiromi remembers that he put his glasses in his pocket.
Niou closes his eyes. The thought has occurred to him more than once that they should just tape the glasses to Hiromi's head. Fabric packing tape would work best.
The apartment building is close the train line into Tokyo. The cement face has seen better days. There's a suspicious and busty blonde Russian prowling the street. Niou tugs on Hiromi's leash. Hiromi walks closer to Niou. His eyes are the size of saucers.
Dirty gaijin, Niou thinks.
When a silver SUV picks the woman up, Niou sighs. His shoulders slump a little. He presses the buzzer to Yagyuu's place. There is a large puddle of rainwater in front of the elevator. The recycling bin overflows with PET bottles. Yagyuu doesn't show, so Niou takes the elevator anyway. It smells of stale cigarettes and wet newspapers. Hiroki whimpers.
Yagyuu lives on lucky floor seven. Niou presses the ringer by the door. He keeps pressing it until he can hear the tune of When the Saints Come Marching In. He hums. The door flings open. Yagyuu scratches the back of his head. His eye twitches. He's either been studying, or napping. He smiles when Hiromi says he has to pee.
Niou pushes Yagyuu's homework off the tiny table. Papers flutter to the floor. His boobs are full and aching. Hiroki starts to squall. Yagyuu's apartment is small-one room and a kitchen, with a bathroom off that. It's old-fashioned, except for the beat-up desk in the corner with a tv and pasokon on top. The rice cooker spews on the floor. Niou sits down with the baby across from it. There's no privacy.
They eat on the floor because Yagyuu has no cushions. Yagyuu says, "This is so delicious, Niou-kun!" His eyes are dark and black and Niou almost falls into them. He chews on a piece of grizzle, then spits it out.
"I made it myself," he says.
Hiromi says, "My food is soggy."
"Too bad," Niou tells him.
"The rice tastes funny," Hiromi says. He makes a face and looks constipated.
Yagyuu starts to say he has tofu in the fridge. Niou cuts him off.
"If you don't eat it, you can starve," Niou tells Hiromi.
Yagyuu gives him a look. Niou shrugs.
It's a first try, but Niou thinks that the pork cutlets are overcooked and the panko crumbs soggy. He wonders what Yanagi or Sanada would cook. Sanada and Yukimura live together now: Sanada can probably cook tempura in ten minutes and polish his family rocks at the same time. Niou rubs his arms. By his wrists are small burn blisters.
Niou looks around. Yagyuu has cracks in ceiling and there is a cold draft by the balcony sliding doors. It smells like old socks and last night's dinner, with an undercurrent of BO. There's hardly enough room to stretch his legs without hitting Yagyuu's lone chair. It creaks when Niou's sock brushes the leg.
He's spending the night. Yagyuu has that consuming look in his eyes. Niou is sucked into it. His pussy is numb as he tries not to think about the green bustier, or the feeling of Yagyuu's dick sliding inside him. His belly twists. His heart flutters.
Yagyuu asks if Niou has to go home. Niou blinks. His chest is tighter than before. He doesn't say anything when Yagyuu starts to unroll his futon for Hiromi. Hiroki is asleep in the stroller. Niou fixes the blanket. He tucks the baby's hands underneath. His chest rises and falls with soft evenness. Niou brushes back his hair. The baby smells of milk and baby powder. Niou's hands smell like katsudon sauce.
Niou locks himself in the bathroom. The reflection in the mirror is pale. Yagyuu's bathroom is too small. It's hard to breathe. Niou wants to crank open a window, but there isn't one. He turns and a pump bottle of body soap crashes into the bath tub.
Yagyuu knocks. "Are you all right?"
Niou can't inhale. "Just taking a dump," he says.
He opens the door. Yagyuu looks at him. Niou swallows. "You didn't flush the toilet," Yagyuu murmurs. "Are you okay?"
When Yagyuu's hand slips under Niou's shirt, he feels stupid. Yagyuu's eyes widen. His fingertips skim over the silky material. Niou shivers.
Yagyuu sucks in a breath. "Niou-kun!" He groans. He slides his fingers through Niou's hand. Their fingers weave in and out, in and out. With his other hand, Yagyuu runs his palm up over Niou's breasts. Niou bites his lip. He moans anyway.
"Masaharu," Yagyuu whispers.
"Happy Housewarming," Niou says. In the instant before his eyes flutter shut, he can see Hiromi's small lump under the futon cover.
Hiromi and Hiroki are right there! he thinks.
Residual milk leaks from his breasts. Yagyuu keeps rubbing them. Niou starts to pant. He squirms under Yagyuu, who presses him to the kitchen wall, right by the frosted window pane of the entrance.
"I want you," Yagyuu says. "I'm so hard thinking about you." Then Yagyuu kisses him. Niou crawls up the wall onto his toes. His eyes snap open. Yagyuu's lips trail across his neck. Yagyuu's hands are unbuttoning his shirt. Niou can see the stroller, eight feet away.
Niou ends up on his knees, over Yagyuu. One breast spills out from the bustier. Yagyuu's glasses are skewed. They don't hide his scrunched up face as he thrusts. Niou leans forward. He squeezes his cunt. He shudders. Yagyuu thrusts again and again. His hands dig into Niou's hips.
Niou didn't mean to buy the matching crotchless panties, but they come in handy after all.
***
After, Niou gets stuck in the bustier.
"Help me!" he hisses. "The wire is poking my side."
Yagyuu rubs his eyes. He unhooks the back of the bustier, one hook at a time. Between hooks, he takes off his glasses. He finishes pulling his pants off. He splays his hot hands over Niou's stomach. Niou whimpers. Hiromi makes a sleep-heavy noise. Yagyuu licks the dip of Niou's shoulder.
By the time the bustier lays on the floor, Yagyuu is lying on top of Niou.
Again.
***
Yagyuu asks if they should get married in the spring.
"I hate the spring," Niou says.
Yagyuu blinks. He doesn't ask why and Niou doesn't elaborate. Niou opens the little box that Yagyuu hands him. He looks inside. He looks up at Yagyuu. "What the hell are these for?" he asks.
"You ears?" Yagyuu says. "Don't you think they are pretty?"
Niou picks up the earrings. Do I look like a girl? He inhales and his chest moves. Niou clenches his teeth. He narrows his eyes at Yagyuu. "I don't like flowers," he says.
Yagyuu keeps a straight face. His eyes lose their shine. Niou feels guilty. He sighs and gives the box back to Yagyuu. I'm not a pussy like Sanada, he thinks. I don't like flowers.
Instead, he grumbles. "Fine. Help me with them."
Yagyuu's hands are solid and still. Niou is the one who trembles when Yagyuu pulls back. Niou shivers when Yagyuu tilts his head and kisses Niou's ear lobes.
"They're camellias," Yagyuu murmurs. His lips are slimy. The earrings add a strange heaviness. Niou tries not to wince. His hands skitter over Yagyuu's arm.
"I'll wait for you," Yagyuu says.
***
On Christmas Eve, they go on a date to the harbour front park. Fairy lights hang in the trees. The last of the roses wither on the vines. In the dark, no one else can see that they are (still) two dumb teenagers. Without Hiromi's clammy hand in his, Niou's hand is cold. He flexes his fingers, but there is no stroller to push. His parents are watching the kids. His breasts ache too much to be out very late.
Stupid breastfeeding, Niou thinks (although it does save on tampons).
The park is public and packed with couples. MM21 glows red and seasonal green on the glassy water. Yagyuu takes Niou's hand. He rubs Niou's ring. Sometimes Niou wonders if Yagyuu is really all that sure of himself.
It would be easy to tell Yagyuu tonight, but Niou keeps his mouth shut. Yagyuu says he aced his exams. Niou nods. Yagyuu says he's picked his courses for next year. Niou nods. All he has done this week is try the new burger at McDonald's. Hiroki flipped over onto his stomach. Niou sighs. His eyes drift to Yagyuu's bag of textbooks and university assignments.
"There's an intramural tennis club at my university," Yagyuu says. His glasses gleam with twinkling light.
"So join," Niou says.
"It's not the same without you," Yagyuu says.
Niou keeps his pace steady. His heart sinks a little.
The railing running along the harbourfront is icy. Niou drums his fingers on the metal. He stares out at the sea. There is nothing but the light of freighters and the faint smell of petroleum.
If none of this happened, they wouldn't be here.
Yagyuu wouldn't play with Niou's rat tail. He wouldn't press his body to Niou's chest, even if Niou murmured his name.
Yagyuu tucks Niou's hair behind his ear. His fingers linger on the back of Niou's neck, then they dig in deep. Niou lifts his head. Their lips meet and Yagyuu kisses him hard. Niou opens to Yagyuu. Yagyuu's tongue is hot and hard and desperate. His mouth is minty and he smells like the pine tree shop they walked through earlier.
Niou doesn't tell Yagyuu. It might go away.
***
It doesn't go away. Deep down, Niou knows it probably wouldn’t.
Yagyuu's apartment is frigid. They huddle under a blanket together-Yagyuu can't afford the cheap kotatsus. Niou can still see his breath. The kids are at home. They're asleep for a nap anyway. If Niou can get back before his mother returns from Shizuoka, she'll never know.
Niou sticks his hands in Yagyuu's armpits. He grunts. Yagyuu sticks his hands between Niou's legs. He gasps.
"I'm pregnant," Niou says.
Yagyuu rolls on top of him. Not until he's finished, replete and soft on Niou's thigh, does Yagyuu say, "Again?"
***
There isn't one, but two more.
Niou gets a lecture from his mom about leaving a toddler and a baby alone by themselves. It doesn't matter if his brother comes home from school at five; it's irresponsible.
Yagyuu gets a stern look from Niou's dad. They don't deny that they didn't use condoms. Niou can't remember when they ever bothered.
Yagyuu tells Niou's parents, "I'll take care of Masaharu and our children. I'll be responsible."
Niou says nothing.
***
This year, Yagyuu has more classes. He has more exams and less free time. Niou waddles to Yagyuu's apartment. He lets himself inside-the lock is broken. Yagyuu is almost never there. When he is, Yagyuu is hunched over a textbook or asleep on top of a stack of notebooks. Niou sets down a bottle of Aquarius on the table. He pulls Yagyuu's glasses off his face. Yagyuu doesn't wake up and Niou doesn't have the heart to poke Yagyuu in the eye.
The ultrasound photograph is the last thing Niou sets down on the table for Yagyuu. He heaves and huffs as he slips his shoes back on. Niou can barely reach his feet. He looks up to open the door. The walls are covered in photographs of Hiromi and Hiroki, and Niou, too.
It's not sunny out today, but Niou's ring seems to sparkle brighter.
***
His parents don’t say, "We're not supporting you forever, Masaharu."
His mom is the one to clap with him when Hiroki starts to walk. Yagyuu has a lecture. His sister is the one to ask, "Did Hiromi sleep through the night without a diaper last night?" Yagyuu has study group for cavity filling.
Summer is stickier than the last. Niou feels stretched to the limit. His tits ache all the time. His skin itches and new slices of scars cut down his belly. He can't sleep much at night. Hiromi squirms. The babies move constantly. Niou has twice the heartburn and twice the cravings.
His father stumbles into the kitchen at half-past five. The sun is a weak silver thread on the horizon. Niou has a jar of pickles in his hand. He has a package of gingko nuts in the other. There's an empty package of chocolate almonds on the table.
"Morning," Niou says. He takes a swig of the pickle juice and smiles.
He has afternoon cravings for curry. Niou waddles to the curry bar. He eats extra spicy with an extra large serving side of rice. His mouth is on fire and his stomach still growls. Bile burns his tongue, but Niou cannot stop himself from ordering a second plate. He waddles home past the arcade, and then a flashing pachinko parlour. There's a crepe stand at the intersection-it's an import franchise from Harajuku. Niou stares at it.
Marui is working at the stand.
His eyes pop out when he sees Niou. Niou curls his lip. Marui tells his coworker, "You mind? It's some douche-I mean, some bitch-from school." The coworker frowns at the queue behind Niou. Niou licks the whipped cream off his crepe.
"Damn," Marui says. He strokes his moustache. He looks homeless in a crepe café apron. "Are you incapable of stopping yourself?"
Niou snorts. "Puri. Give me a discount next time, asshole."
Marui rolls his eyes. They cross the street and walk through a shopping arcade. Niou waddles. His feet hurt. He steps on something squishy and he can't see what it is.
"Oi! That's my croc!" Marui snaps. "Watch your waddling, fatty."
Niou's throat is dry. A bite of cherry topping sticks inside. His back is sweatier than ever. There's no A/C in the open-air arcade. Niou stops outside a sock shop. He can't think of anything to say and Marui's jaw drops.
"Er, sorry for making you cry?" Marui says. The sock shop clerk stares at them. She glares at Marui. Niou touches his face. His hand is wet.
"Fucking hormones," he whispers.
"If I buy you a drink, can we call it even?" Marui asks. "Beer? Sake? Whiskey?"
They shake on it.
Marui calls to complain two days later.
"They fired me from my job! All because I took you to a bar! It's all your fault for crying, you ho!"
Niou scratches his stomach and smirks.
***
"I have the day off," Yagyuu says.
"I'm busy," Niou says.
There's a long pause, and then Yagyuu says, "Oh, okay."
Niou switches ears. He leans into his cellphone and breathes heavily. He picks at a fingernail. Hiromi tugs on his sleeve. Niou shoves him away.
Yagyuu finally says, "I'll call you later then."
Niou hangs up. Hiromi's glasses hang off the end of his nose.
"Hiroki's all poopy," he says.
"Huh?"
"He's all poopy," Hiromi says.
Puri doesn't cut it. Neither does "fucking hell". Niou gags. Hiroki starts to scream in his crib. He stinks of shit-it's on the baby's back, on the sheets, and seeping out the top of his diaper.
Niou regrets saying no to Yagyuu. His mother says, "He's your child. You have to clean him up." She does offer to wash the sheets.
It's nearing dusk by the time they walk to the park. Hiroki smells of shampoo and milk. Hiromi wears a pair of rubber boots, fifteen years old. It rained this morning. Water droplets still cling to the trees. When the wind stirs, they catch in Niou's hair. His feet hurt. His chest is tight. His bra cuts into his skin. There's still several months to go and Niou is sick of it. There's water in his ear. He yawns and it splashes inside his head.
The park is empty. It's on the far side town. The deep ravine is close enough that the sound of rushing water is nearly as loud as the crunch of their shoes. Even in crocs, Niou's feet ache.
A line of Jizo statues creep out at the back of the park. They wind up towards the mountain. Hiromi stares at them. The lump in Niou's chest makes it hard to breath. He touches his neck and swallows. Hiromi asks if Niou is all right.
"Mommy's fine," Niou says. He pushes hair back from his face. His fingertips smear cold sweat across his skin.
They walk until Niou stops. The Jizo smiles. Moss creeps over the cracks of its face: the living patina clashes with the scarlet bib around its neck. Niou tries to exhale. He closes his eyes and claps his hands. He bows three times. His stomach gets in the way.
Niou reaches into his pocket. He pulls out three coins. As he leans to set them in the Jizo's lap, Hiromi tugs on his sleeve.
"Can I help?"
Niou swallows. His eyes sting. Then, slowly, he nods.
They set the coins down. Niou tosses his two. Hiromi is careful and deliberate with his, just like Yagyuu. As they start to walk away, Hiromi holds out a scummy Kleenex to Niou. It's probably from winter. It's probably been used.
"Don't cry, Mommy," Hiromi says.
Niou takes the Kleenex.
***
During the rainy season he's trapped indoors.
Niou melts under the A/C. It hurts to lie down. It hurts to lie on his favourite side. The tv is boring. His mind wanders in search of food when he tries to read comics. Music gives him a headache. He can't paint. It's too much effort to play darts. Going out becomes more and more awkward-Niou hates the stares. He hates the smiles when woman see he's pregnant. He hates the whispers from others who see he's just a dumb pregnant teen.
Niou takes photos of the shadows on his wall. After the first five that gets boring too. He sighs. His chest is heavy. Hiroki has started to walk. He clings to the furniture, and then he launches himself at the next chair. He misses. He lands on his bum. Niou places a palm to his temple just before Hiroki starts to cry.
The rainy season leaves just as sticky and enclosing as it began.
Niou wakes up one morning. His skin is covered in a film of sweaty sleep. A sharp pain pierces the base of his spine. He doubles over. Niou grinds his teeth until they crunch in his skull. When he cracks open an eye, all he sees is a dark patch of blood.
***
A voice wavers on the other end of the line. "Mommy's bleeding."
Yagyuu runs out of the library.
***
They won't let Yagyuu into the room.
He paces the hallway.
"It's fine," a nurse says. "Niou-san only had a bit of spotting. It's common before giving birth."
His father never mentioned this. Niou never mentioned it either.
"There's…twins," Yagyuu says. His voice cracks. He swallows hard. The dry lump in his chest won't go away.
"It'll be fine," the nurse says. "Her labour is progressing quickly for a first-timer."
Yagyuu bites back a response. An elderly woman sitting across the atrium scowls at Yagyuu. He can hear her thoughts: too young. Yagyuu nods to the nurse. "Thank you," he mumbles.
There are magazines on a table. Yagyuu tries to read them. The words blur. A nurse walks by. Yagyuu stiffens, but she doesn't approach. He exhales. His lungs don't get enough air. Afternoon sun filters through the room. The air conditioning causes microscopic motes to float on the liquid light. The hospital is filled with a hundred thousand sounds: life, death, footsteps and rhythmic ticks.
Yagyuu looks down. His knee keeps twitching.
No one asks what he is here for. It's the maternity ward. People come, and go: there are old women here for their daughters and middle-aged men here for their wives. Yagyuu sinks into his seat with a straight back. His glasses are on, but his vision swims. If he avoids their eyes and their disapproval, the swollen feeling inside isn't as bad.
The twins are born at two and eight minutes past midnight.
Under his breath, Yagyuu laughs.
Author: Ociwen
Rating: NC17
Warning: Everything you can possibly think of, and then some. Spoilers for 40.5 and the entire series.
Disclaimer: Konomi owns all, except for Marui's crocs.
Summary: Niou is a girl, and everything pushed to the edge.
Author's Notes: This is one-shot fic related to Dénoument, We'll Always Have Kanagawa and Accidentally All Right. The fics can be read separately, but they make more sense together. Written for Niou's birthday 2008. Happy Birthday Niou!
This fic has been truncated into 14 parts due to length. The parts are NOT chapters. This is a one-shot fic.
Yagyuu holds Niou's hair back.
Niou pukes his guts out. His esophagus lands into the toilet.
"Let me die," he moans.
Yagyuu is solid. Yagyuu says nothing. Yagyuu helps Niou with the baby. Everything hurts. His body is peeling off his insides, which are crawling up through his stomach. Niou can't stop puking. He pukes until there's nothing left. Then, he pukes up foamy green bile.
His head hurts so bad that smashing his skull on the toilet would be better. Niou can't even lift his body for that. He collapses onto the floor. Yagyuu touches his shoulder. He doesn't murmur sweet anythings in Niou's ears. He is there. He's silent. He doesn't yell at Niou, and he doesn't tell Niou off either.
Niou moans between heaves. "I'm sorry I'm such a shitty mom," he mumbles.
Yagyuu combs the puke from Niou's hair.
***
Niou wakes up for dinner. His mouth is crusty. His eyes are fuzzy. His body is covered in a film of sweat and chalky scum from the club. He stumbles to the toilet, but he doesn't vomit. He sits down, takes a piss, and shuffles into the kitchen.
It's Yagyuu's grandma's house. She's making miso soup. Niou squints from Yagyuu, to the kids, to Yagyuu's grandma. Niou's face feels cold. There's a hot summer wind blowing in through the window.
"We all have our rebellions," Yagyuu's grandma says. She gives Niou a bowl of soup. His stomach churns; he's almost hungry enough to eat.
Hiromi plays with blocks on the floor. The baby is propped up in a rocking seat. Niou looks at him. He swallows hard, but the mucus catches on his raw throat.
Yagyuu's grandma opens the sliding door. She walks into the small yard. Yagyuu and Niou are almost alone. Hiromi sets a block down. He stares at Niou with myopic eyes. Niou stares at him. He can't open his arms: here, hug me, Hiromi-chan, mommy loves you.
Niou turns away. White sheets hang limp in the stagnant air outside. Niou sweats cold along his hairline. Yagyuu's lips are thin and white. He turns to the sliding door. His grandma has closed it behind herself.
The bowl of watermelon sits on the table between Yagyuu and Niou. Two or three tiny fruit flies hover over it. Two or three more hover up in the fluorescent light.
Time drips like the sweat down Niou's face.
Yagyuu's chair creaks. "I deleted Kikumaru's phone number from your cell," he says.
"Who's Kikumaru?" Niou rubs his temple. A phantom headache lingers.
"I brained him in junior high school tennis," Yagyuu says. "Did he try to pick you up at the club?"
Niou groans. He rubs his fingertips in circles. He pushes on his skull harder. "I don't know," he says. His voice sounds like a whine. Niou cringes. His mouth is fuzzy. It tastes like ass. With only the fluorescent light the kitchen is dim, but the green tinge on the walls doesn't help.
"Tell me what's wrong!" Yagyuu says. He lunges over the table to grab Niou's hands. Yagyuu is warm. His touch is clammy and moist. Niou can't pull away. "Please let me help you," Yagyuu says. "Masaharu…"
Niou shakes his head. His eyes twitch, but he won't cry. He's not like Sanada. Niou swallows the garbage taste on his tongue. "I'm just…tired," he says.
Yagyuu pushes hair from Niou's eyes. His glasses slip down his nose. His breath smells like tea. He is close enough to kiss Niou hard on the mouth, but instead Yagyuu does nothing. He squeezes Niou's hands tighter. "Let me help you," he says. His words rush; they are too fast for Niou to catch. "Move in with me. Let me help. I can drop out of school and get a job-"
"No!" Niou snaps. "Don't ruin your life!"
Yagyuu's face twists. "I've already ruined yours!" he shouts.
They sit across from each other. Yagyuu breathes hard. Niou doesn't breathe at all.
Hiroki starts to scream.
***
Yagyuu walks Niou home. Niou doesn't speak to him. He doesn't need a babysitter. He lurks in the shadows where it is easier to pout. Besides, his temple is sensitive to the yellow glare of the street lamps.
"I love you," Yagyuu says. "If there's something wrong, please tell me." Their footsteps stick in the heavy air. There is no one out tonight except lonely alley cats. They dart in front of the stroller that Yagyuu pushes. Niou holds on Hiromi's hand. He walks on his tiptoes and he doesn't let go of Niou.
"You're not a bad mother," Yagyuu says. "I want you to be happy, Niou-kun."
There is a thick lump in Niou's throat. It won't be pushed down no matter how much he tries to swallow. Words cloy to the roof of his mouth. Niou sighs.
"Then finish school and be a dentist," Niou mutters. When Yagyuu blinks at him he snorts.
"I want a dog and a house, with a yard," Niou adds. They walk past a row of garbage bins. A raccoon dog runs out from behind one. It scurries across the street. Hiromi doesn't run after it-he yawns instead.
"A yard?" Yagyuu asks.
Niou almost smirks. "It has to be big enough for water balloon fights."
Yagyuu doesn't laugh, but the tension slackens a little.
***
For once, Yagyuu doesn't push Niou. And Niou doesn't pull away.
When the baby isn't screaming, Niou catches up on his brother's anime DVDs. He reads comics and goes for walks. He keeps Hiromi on a leash-the kid doesn't try to strangle ducks or eat bark. Hiromi collects stones and keeps them on the porch. Sometimes, Niou rolls over on the futon mattress to pull pebbles out from underneath.
Yagyuu writes exams. Niou plays pachinko. Now that he's an adult (sorta), it's not as much fun sneaking into the blinking, blaring parlours. He selects his machines by prime numbers or multiples of seven. The other players scowl when Niou's baskets fill with the little silver balls. Niou smirks.
Yukimura is in America, or Germany or Thailand. Niou almost never speaks to Sanada or Yanagi. Jackal calls once a week. He comes over in the middle of the day. They eat pickles and sushi and drink pepsi. Occaisonally, they pass a smoke between their fingers when Niou's mom is out and the windows are wide open.
"Bunta's growing another moustache," Jackal says.
"That's nasty," Niou says. He sniffs the air, then he changes the baby's diaper.
"You're fast," Jackal says. Niou flips the baby over and tightens the sticky tape. He raises an eyebrow at Jackal.
"Jealous?" he asks.
"Not really," Jackal says. "Do you want to go out for a drink tonight?"
Niou drinks with Marui. His pachinko pocket change pays for all-you-can drink happy hours at pizza joints, or Japanese-style bars. Niou nurses beers. Marui alternates between fried snacks and whiskey.
"It's tough being eighteen," Marui says. He belches. Niou one-ups him with another.
"Maybe I should check out those Filippino chicks on the internet," Marui says. "I just want some action, you know?" He strokes his moustache. The half-dozen stray hairs crinkle like pubes. Niou feels nauseated enough to leave. He's home by four o'clock and his mother never knows he leaves the kids alone with Jackal.
By day he and Yagyuu live their own lives. They intersect only when Yagyuu comes over at night, or if Niou takes Hiromi and Hiroki to Yagyuu's grandma's for supper. His own mother doesn't always cook. Niou can't always think of anything better than instant ramen.
Yagyuu's grandma goes on vacation to America. The summer swelter has lessened, but the autumn cool hasn't set in. The days are shorter and the sunsets more vivid. Niou walks to Yagyuu's grandma's house. She asked if he could water her plants.
Her front garden has violets in clay baskets. There are lights on inside. Niou can smell fried fish. His stomach growls. He rubs his belly. Hiromi says he's hungry.
Yagyuu is in the kitchen. He bends over a frying pan. Oil mists the air in a thick cloud.
"Aren't you domestic," Niou says. Yagyuu has an apron on. There are fresh flowers on the table. Niou thinks that they look like they were picked in an abandoned lot-it's just weedy forget-me-nots and straggly daisies. He says nothing. There are two place settings at the table and a bottle of wine.
Niou looks at Yagyuu. Yagyuu holds his chin up high. His gaze settles on Niou's chest. Niou is wearing a thin t-shirt. His nipples stiffen. His cunt has a deep-set tingle. They haven't had sex since before the baby was born.
"My grandmother's gone until Saturday," Yagyuu says. "She's visiting an old friend in Illinois."
Hiromi eats first. He watches tv as Niou nurses the baby. Yagyuu watches Niou. His eyes are black and hungry. He won't look away when he and Niou eat dinner. The steamed vegetables are too limp. The fish is dry. Yagyuu's rice sticks to Niou's tongue. Niou's insides are hot. The air conditioning blows over his skin. It makes the hairs stand up. He picks at the collar of his shirt to fan himself.
Niou calls his mother. Yagyuu puts the kids to bed. "I'm not coming home tonight," Niou tells her. He plays with his rat tail.
"I didn't think so," she says.
Niou's face is hot when he ends the call. He flips his cellphone closed and Yagyuu's lips are on the back of his neck. His kisses are slow and wet. The saliva lingers. Niou moans. Yagyuu turns him around to kiss him on the lips.
"Is this okay?"
Niou moans again. Yagyuu's fingers stroke the tight skin across his hip. It tickles and Niou shivers.
Yagyuu peels Niou's clothes off, piece by piece. Niou lies on the floor of the spare room-it's Yagyuu's now. There are enough textbooks and folded piles of underwear that Niou knows Yagyuu has given up living with his parents. Yagyuu pads across the room. He's naked. His skin glistens with sweat and his dick is hard. He rubs his face between Niou's breasts. He touches Niou's butt. Niou's hands splay across Yagyuu's bum. The heat burns his cunt. He spreads his legs. Niou murmurs Yagyuu's name. He closes his eyes.
Yagyuu turns out the light. They can't see each other blush or fumble. Yagyuu feels the floor with his hands. He's blind without glasses, but his fingertips are quick to find Niou. They lay, pressed spoon-like and curled up on the tatami.
"I want you to come tonight," Yagyuu says. "I want you to be happy."
Niou rolls his eyes. He waits for Yagyuu to crawl on top of him. Instead, Yagyuu's hand slips between Niou's thighs. He rubs Niou's clit. Niou gasps. Yagyuu rubs harder. Niou bites his lip. Yagyuu kisses his ear. His hands won't stop. Niou squirms. Feverish pleasure makes him pant. His body twitches. He burns hotter and hotter. Yagyuu's fingers slip in and out of his cunt. Niou is wet and desperate. His eyes snap open and he cries when he comes.
Niou doesn't notice when Yagyuu slides inside. He's too fixated on the words hanging in the darkness. I love you. I want you to be happy. I love you so much…
***
There is leftover watermelon in the fridge. Niou sneaks out in the darkness for a snack. Yagyuu follows a minute or so later. In the middle of the night, the crickets chirp underneath the windows. Yagyuu licks the watermelon juice from Niou's fingers. Niou licks the sticky sweetness from Yagyuu's chest.
They have sex all over again. Niou is pressed to the kitchen table. Yagyuu is pressed to him. Niou throws his head back and comes. Yagyuu shudders. He grunts and comes, too. His grip tightens on Niou's hips. Their bodies slap. The table scrapes on the floor. There is a bang and a crash.
One of the houseplants ends up on the floor.
Niou turns on the light. Yagyuu is flushed from sex. His hair is a mess. Niou wants to run his hands through it again. He looks at the spilled dirt on the floor and he starts to laugh.
Yagyuu joins in and Niou can't remember the last time he let go.
***
Yagyuu turns nineteen and gets his own place.
"Will you move in with me?" Yagyuu asks.
"No," Niou says. He plays with the ring on his finger. It feels tighter than it used to. It won’t come off. Hiroki makes grabbyfists at it. When Niou tells him no too, he starts to scream. Niou doesn’t notice the headaches anymore. The throb has dulled into a continuous pulse at the back of his skull. He offers a boob, but Hiroki keeps howling.
He can’t cook and he can’t clean. There are a thousand things Yagyuu’s apartment needs. Niou takes the escalator to the women’s lingerie floor. The stroller is awkward to manoeuvre. Holding on Hiromi’s hand, too, makes it even worse.
"You can play with this," Niou says. He gives Hiromi a lacy bra. The kid looks confused. There are displays of silk panties and rows of patterned bras. Niou wonders if the manthongs are on this floor. He snickers under his breath, but his face is hot.
Niou can’t really pick out lingerie. His old stuff doesn’t fit. He holds up creamy satin and shakes his head. Hiromi asks if Niou likes the blue set. He does-too bad the size is wrong.
Hiroki starts to whine. Niou reaches for the first thing in sight to give to the baby. He gums a package of garters. Behind it on the rack is a green bustier. Niou blinks. Bingo.
"Aren't you going for something a little racier?"
Niou purses his lips. He looks up. Yanagi is lording over him. He has a baby wrapped in blue blankets in a Bugaboo stroller. The toddler is immaculate in a pink dress. She has the same expression and long face as Yanagi. Niou's eyes shift to his stroller. Hiroki's blanket has holes. There's puke crusted to the edges. Hiromi tugs on his harness.
Niou narrows his eyes at Yanagi. Yanagi raises his eyebrows. I prefer to keep my legs closed and my crotch covered occasionally, Niou thinks. Out loud, he snorts. "Shouldn't you be looking at the handcuff section for the wonderchibi by now?" Niou asks.
"I'll go there after we finish at the supermarket," Yanagi says. "I'm making Akaya beef hot pot."
Niou deflates. He narrows his eyes until his vision blurs. Yanagi keeps smirking. His daughter and Hiromi keep staring at each other.
Yanagi leaves first. Niou unclenches his jaw. He looks at the bustier and his insides feel hollow.
***
He slaves over the burners.
He slaves in the oven.
His hands are chopped to the bone.
His fingers are pickled to the tendon.
His arms are scalded, burned and battered.
Hiromi says he's hungry.
"Are these okay?" Niou asks. His mother smiles. Niou can't tell if it's a good or a bad thing. She helps him wrap the food up in an old-fashioned lacquer bento. Niou stashes the LeSportsac bag under the stroller. His mother can't see the green bustier; he stands in front of the stroller to block her view just in case.
"Are you going to be late?" she asks. Her eyes linger on Hiromi.
Niou shrugs.
She sighs. "Are you going to be staying overnight at Yagyuu-kun's?"
Niou opens his mouth. "No! We're not doing that!" he snaps.
His mother looks at him. Niou feels two inches high.
Since they skipped Yagyuu's birthday, Niou buys melon pans at the convenience store. Autumn is crisp in the air. Niou's hands are cold. He rubs them together. Hiromi says he can't see. They walk back ten minutes in the dark before Hiromi remembers that he put his glasses in his pocket.
Niou closes his eyes. The thought has occurred to him more than once that they should just tape the glasses to Hiromi's head. Fabric packing tape would work best.
The apartment building is close the train line into Tokyo. The cement face has seen better days. There's a suspicious and busty blonde Russian prowling the street. Niou tugs on Hiromi's leash. Hiromi walks closer to Niou. His eyes are the size of saucers.
Dirty gaijin, Niou thinks.
When a silver SUV picks the woman up, Niou sighs. His shoulders slump a little. He presses the buzzer to Yagyuu's place. There is a large puddle of rainwater in front of the elevator. The recycling bin overflows with PET bottles. Yagyuu doesn't show, so Niou takes the elevator anyway. It smells of stale cigarettes and wet newspapers. Hiroki whimpers.
Yagyuu lives on lucky floor seven. Niou presses the ringer by the door. He keeps pressing it until he can hear the tune of When the Saints Come Marching In. He hums. The door flings open. Yagyuu scratches the back of his head. His eye twitches. He's either been studying, or napping. He smiles when Hiromi says he has to pee.
Niou pushes Yagyuu's homework off the tiny table. Papers flutter to the floor. His boobs are full and aching. Hiroki starts to squall. Yagyuu's apartment is small-one room and a kitchen, with a bathroom off that. It's old-fashioned, except for the beat-up desk in the corner with a tv and pasokon on top. The rice cooker spews on the floor. Niou sits down with the baby across from it. There's no privacy.
They eat on the floor because Yagyuu has no cushions. Yagyuu says, "This is so delicious, Niou-kun!" His eyes are dark and black and Niou almost falls into them. He chews on a piece of grizzle, then spits it out.
"I made it myself," he says.
Hiromi says, "My food is soggy."
"Too bad," Niou tells him.
"The rice tastes funny," Hiromi says. He makes a face and looks constipated.
Yagyuu starts to say he has tofu in the fridge. Niou cuts him off.
"If you don't eat it, you can starve," Niou tells Hiromi.
Yagyuu gives him a look. Niou shrugs.
It's a first try, but Niou thinks that the pork cutlets are overcooked and the panko crumbs soggy. He wonders what Yanagi or Sanada would cook. Sanada and Yukimura live together now: Sanada can probably cook tempura in ten minutes and polish his family rocks at the same time. Niou rubs his arms. By his wrists are small burn blisters.
Niou looks around. Yagyuu has cracks in ceiling and there is a cold draft by the balcony sliding doors. It smells like old socks and last night's dinner, with an undercurrent of BO. There's hardly enough room to stretch his legs without hitting Yagyuu's lone chair. It creaks when Niou's sock brushes the leg.
He's spending the night. Yagyuu has that consuming look in his eyes. Niou is sucked into it. His pussy is numb as he tries not to think about the green bustier, or the feeling of Yagyuu's dick sliding inside him. His belly twists. His heart flutters.
Yagyuu asks if Niou has to go home. Niou blinks. His chest is tighter than before. He doesn't say anything when Yagyuu starts to unroll his futon for Hiromi. Hiroki is asleep in the stroller. Niou fixes the blanket. He tucks the baby's hands underneath. His chest rises and falls with soft evenness. Niou brushes back his hair. The baby smells of milk and baby powder. Niou's hands smell like katsudon sauce.
Niou locks himself in the bathroom. The reflection in the mirror is pale. Yagyuu's bathroom is too small. It's hard to breathe. Niou wants to crank open a window, but there isn't one. He turns and a pump bottle of body soap crashes into the bath tub.
Yagyuu knocks. "Are you all right?"
Niou can't inhale. "Just taking a dump," he says.
He opens the door. Yagyuu looks at him. Niou swallows. "You didn't flush the toilet," Yagyuu murmurs. "Are you okay?"
When Yagyuu's hand slips under Niou's shirt, he feels stupid. Yagyuu's eyes widen. His fingertips skim over the silky material. Niou shivers.
Yagyuu sucks in a breath. "Niou-kun!" He groans. He slides his fingers through Niou's hand. Their fingers weave in and out, in and out. With his other hand, Yagyuu runs his palm up over Niou's breasts. Niou bites his lip. He moans anyway.
"Masaharu," Yagyuu whispers.
"Happy Housewarming," Niou says. In the instant before his eyes flutter shut, he can see Hiromi's small lump under the futon cover.
Hiromi and Hiroki are right there! he thinks.
Residual milk leaks from his breasts. Yagyuu keeps rubbing them. Niou starts to pant. He squirms under Yagyuu, who presses him to the kitchen wall, right by the frosted window pane of the entrance.
"I want you," Yagyuu says. "I'm so hard thinking about you." Then Yagyuu kisses him. Niou crawls up the wall onto his toes. His eyes snap open. Yagyuu's lips trail across his neck. Yagyuu's hands are unbuttoning his shirt. Niou can see the stroller, eight feet away.
Niou ends up on his knees, over Yagyuu. One breast spills out from the bustier. Yagyuu's glasses are skewed. They don't hide his scrunched up face as he thrusts. Niou leans forward. He squeezes his cunt. He shudders. Yagyuu thrusts again and again. His hands dig into Niou's hips.
Niou didn't mean to buy the matching crotchless panties, but they come in handy after all.
***
After, Niou gets stuck in the bustier.
"Help me!" he hisses. "The wire is poking my side."
Yagyuu rubs his eyes. He unhooks the back of the bustier, one hook at a time. Between hooks, he takes off his glasses. He finishes pulling his pants off. He splays his hot hands over Niou's stomach. Niou whimpers. Hiromi makes a sleep-heavy noise. Yagyuu licks the dip of Niou's shoulder.
By the time the bustier lays on the floor, Yagyuu is lying on top of Niou.
Again.
***
Yagyuu asks if they should get married in the spring.
"I hate the spring," Niou says.
Yagyuu blinks. He doesn't ask why and Niou doesn't elaborate. Niou opens the little box that Yagyuu hands him. He looks inside. He looks up at Yagyuu. "What the hell are these for?" he asks.
"You ears?" Yagyuu says. "Don't you think they are pretty?"
Niou picks up the earrings. Do I look like a girl? He inhales and his chest moves. Niou clenches his teeth. He narrows his eyes at Yagyuu. "I don't like flowers," he says.
Yagyuu keeps a straight face. His eyes lose their shine. Niou feels guilty. He sighs and gives the box back to Yagyuu. I'm not a pussy like Sanada, he thinks. I don't like flowers.
Instead, he grumbles. "Fine. Help me with them."
Yagyuu's hands are solid and still. Niou is the one who trembles when Yagyuu pulls back. Niou shivers when Yagyuu tilts his head and kisses Niou's ear lobes.
"They're camellias," Yagyuu murmurs. His lips are slimy. The earrings add a strange heaviness. Niou tries not to wince. His hands skitter over Yagyuu's arm.
"I'll wait for you," Yagyuu says.
***
On Christmas Eve, they go on a date to the harbour front park. Fairy lights hang in the trees. The last of the roses wither on the vines. In the dark, no one else can see that they are (still) two dumb teenagers. Without Hiromi's clammy hand in his, Niou's hand is cold. He flexes his fingers, but there is no stroller to push. His parents are watching the kids. His breasts ache too much to be out very late.
Stupid breastfeeding, Niou thinks (although it does save on tampons).
The park is public and packed with couples. MM21 glows red and seasonal green on the glassy water. Yagyuu takes Niou's hand. He rubs Niou's ring. Sometimes Niou wonders if Yagyuu is really all that sure of himself.
It would be easy to tell Yagyuu tonight, but Niou keeps his mouth shut. Yagyuu says he aced his exams. Niou nods. Yagyuu says he's picked his courses for next year. Niou nods. All he has done this week is try the new burger at McDonald's. Hiroki flipped over onto his stomach. Niou sighs. His eyes drift to Yagyuu's bag of textbooks and university assignments.
"There's an intramural tennis club at my university," Yagyuu says. His glasses gleam with twinkling light.
"So join," Niou says.
"It's not the same without you," Yagyuu says.
Niou keeps his pace steady. His heart sinks a little.
The railing running along the harbourfront is icy. Niou drums his fingers on the metal. He stares out at the sea. There is nothing but the light of freighters and the faint smell of petroleum.
If none of this happened, they wouldn't be here.
Yagyuu wouldn't play with Niou's rat tail. He wouldn't press his body to Niou's chest, even if Niou murmured his name.
Yagyuu tucks Niou's hair behind his ear. His fingers linger on the back of Niou's neck, then they dig in deep. Niou lifts his head. Their lips meet and Yagyuu kisses him hard. Niou opens to Yagyuu. Yagyuu's tongue is hot and hard and desperate. His mouth is minty and he smells like the pine tree shop they walked through earlier.
Niou doesn't tell Yagyuu. It might go away.
***
It doesn't go away. Deep down, Niou knows it probably wouldn’t.
Yagyuu's apartment is frigid. They huddle under a blanket together-Yagyuu can't afford the cheap kotatsus. Niou can still see his breath. The kids are at home. They're asleep for a nap anyway. If Niou can get back before his mother returns from Shizuoka, she'll never know.
Niou sticks his hands in Yagyuu's armpits. He grunts. Yagyuu sticks his hands between Niou's legs. He gasps.
"I'm pregnant," Niou says.
Yagyuu rolls on top of him. Not until he's finished, replete and soft on Niou's thigh, does Yagyuu say, "Again?"
***
There isn't one, but two more.
Niou gets a lecture from his mom about leaving a toddler and a baby alone by themselves. It doesn't matter if his brother comes home from school at five; it's irresponsible.
Yagyuu gets a stern look from Niou's dad. They don't deny that they didn't use condoms. Niou can't remember when they ever bothered.
Yagyuu tells Niou's parents, "I'll take care of Masaharu and our children. I'll be responsible."
Niou says nothing.
***
This year, Yagyuu has more classes. He has more exams and less free time. Niou waddles to Yagyuu's apartment. He lets himself inside-the lock is broken. Yagyuu is almost never there. When he is, Yagyuu is hunched over a textbook or asleep on top of a stack of notebooks. Niou sets down a bottle of Aquarius on the table. He pulls Yagyuu's glasses off his face. Yagyuu doesn't wake up and Niou doesn't have the heart to poke Yagyuu in the eye.
The ultrasound photograph is the last thing Niou sets down on the table for Yagyuu. He heaves and huffs as he slips his shoes back on. Niou can barely reach his feet. He looks up to open the door. The walls are covered in photographs of Hiromi and Hiroki, and Niou, too.
It's not sunny out today, but Niou's ring seems to sparkle brighter.
***
His parents don’t say, "We're not supporting you forever, Masaharu."
His mom is the one to clap with him when Hiroki starts to walk. Yagyuu has a lecture. His sister is the one to ask, "Did Hiromi sleep through the night without a diaper last night?" Yagyuu has study group for cavity filling.
Summer is stickier than the last. Niou feels stretched to the limit. His tits ache all the time. His skin itches and new slices of scars cut down his belly. He can't sleep much at night. Hiromi squirms. The babies move constantly. Niou has twice the heartburn and twice the cravings.
His father stumbles into the kitchen at half-past five. The sun is a weak silver thread on the horizon. Niou has a jar of pickles in his hand. He has a package of gingko nuts in the other. There's an empty package of chocolate almonds on the table.
"Morning," Niou says. He takes a swig of the pickle juice and smiles.
He has afternoon cravings for curry. Niou waddles to the curry bar. He eats extra spicy with an extra large serving side of rice. His mouth is on fire and his stomach still growls. Bile burns his tongue, but Niou cannot stop himself from ordering a second plate. He waddles home past the arcade, and then a flashing pachinko parlour. There's a crepe stand at the intersection-it's an import franchise from Harajuku. Niou stares at it.
Marui is working at the stand.
His eyes pop out when he sees Niou. Niou curls his lip. Marui tells his coworker, "You mind? It's some douche-I mean, some bitch-from school." The coworker frowns at the queue behind Niou. Niou licks the whipped cream off his crepe.
"Damn," Marui says. He strokes his moustache. He looks homeless in a crepe café apron. "Are you incapable of stopping yourself?"
Niou snorts. "Puri. Give me a discount next time, asshole."
Marui rolls his eyes. They cross the street and walk through a shopping arcade. Niou waddles. His feet hurt. He steps on something squishy and he can't see what it is.
"Oi! That's my croc!" Marui snaps. "Watch your waddling, fatty."
Niou's throat is dry. A bite of cherry topping sticks inside. His back is sweatier than ever. There's no A/C in the open-air arcade. Niou stops outside a sock shop. He can't think of anything to say and Marui's jaw drops.
"Er, sorry for making you cry?" Marui says. The sock shop clerk stares at them. She glares at Marui. Niou touches his face. His hand is wet.
"Fucking hormones," he whispers.
"If I buy you a drink, can we call it even?" Marui asks. "Beer? Sake? Whiskey?"
They shake on it.
Marui calls to complain two days later.
"They fired me from my job! All because I took you to a bar! It's all your fault for crying, you ho!"
Niou scratches his stomach and smirks.
***
"I have the day off," Yagyuu says.
"I'm busy," Niou says.
There's a long pause, and then Yagyuu says, "Oh, okay."
Niou switches ears. He leans into his cellphone and breathes heavily. He picks at a fingernail. Hiromi tugs on his sleeve. Niou shoves him away.
Yagyuu finally says, "I'll call you later then."
Niou hangs up. Hiromi's glasses hang off the end of his nose.
"Hiroki's all poopy," he says.
"Huh?"
"He's all poopy," Hiromi says.
Puri doesn't cut it. Neither does "fucking hell". Niou gags. Hiroki starts to scream in his crib. He stinks of shit-it's on the baby's back, on the sheets, and seeping out the top of his diaper.
Niou regrets saying no to Yagyuu. His mother says, "He's your child. You have to clean him up." She does offer to wash the sheets.
It's nearing dusk by the time they walk to the park. Hiroki smells of shampoo and milk. Hiromi wears a pair of rubber boots, fifteen years old. It rained this morning. Water droplets still cling to the trees. When the wind stirs, they catch in Niou's hair. His feet hurt. His chest is tight. His bra cuts into his skin. There's still several months to go and Niou is sick of it. There's water in his ear. He yawns and it splashes inside his head.
The park is empty. It's on the far side town. The deep ravine is close enough that the sound of rushing water is nearly as loud as the crunch of their shoes. Even in crocs, Niou's feet ache.
A line of Jizo statues creep out at the back of the park. They wind up towards the mountain. Hiromi stares at them. The lump in Niou's chest makes it hard to breath. He touches his neck and swallows. Hiromi asks if Niou is all right.
"Mommy's fine," Niou says. He pushes hair back from his face. His fingertips smear cold sweat across his skin.
They walk until Niou stops. The Jizo smiles. Moss creeps over the cracks of its face: the living patina clashes with the scarlet bib around its neck. Niou tries to exhale. He closes his eyes and claps his hands. He bows three times. His stomach gets in the way.
Niou reaches into his pocket. He pulls out three coins. As he leans to set them in the Jizo's lap, Hiromi tugs on his sleeve.
"Can I help?"
Niou swallows. His eyes sting. Then, slowly, he nods.
They set the coins down. Niou tosses his two. Hiromi is careful and deliberate with his, just like Yagyuu. As they start to walk away, Hiromi holds out a scummy Kleenex to Niou. It's probably from winter. It's probably been used.
"Don't cry, Mommy," Hiromi says.
Niou takes the Kleenex.
***
During the rainy season he's trapped indoors.
Niou melts under the A/C. It hurts to lie down. It hurts to lie on his favourite side. The tv is boring. His mind wanders in search of food when he tries to read comics. Music gives him a headache. He can't paint. It's too much effort to play darts. Going out becomes more and more awkward-Niou hates the stares. He hates the smiles when woman see he's pregnant. He hates the whispers from others who see he's just a dumb pregnant teen.
Niou takes photos of the shadows on his wall. After the first five that gets boring too. He sighs. His chest is heavy. Hiroki has started to walk. He clings to the furniture, and then he launches himself at the next chair. He misses. He lands on his bum. Niou places a palm to his temple just before Hiroki starts to cry.
The rainy season leaves just as sticky and enclosing as it began.
Niou wakes up one morning. His skin is covered in a film of sweaty sleep. A sharp pain pierces the base of his spine. He doubles over. Niou grinds his teeth until they crunch in his skull. When he cracks open an eye, all he sees is a dark patch of blood.
***
A voice wavers on the other end of the line. "Mommy's bleeding."
Yagyuu runs out of the library.
***
They won't let Yagyuu into the room.
He paces the hallway.
"It's fine," a nurse says. "Niou-san only had a bit of spotting. It's common before giving birth."
His father never mentioned this. Niou never mentioned it either.
"There's…twins," Yagyuu says. His voice cracks. He swallows hard. The dry lump in his chest won't go away.
"It'll be fine," the nurse says. "Her labour is progressing quickly for a first-timer."
Yagyuu bites back a response. An elderly woman sitting across the atrium scowls at Yagyuu. He can hear her thoughts: too young. Yagyuu nods to the nurse. "Thank you," he mumbles.
There are magazines on a table. Yagyuu tries to read them. The words blur. A nurse walks by. Yagyuu stiffens, but she doesn't approach. He exhales. His lungs don't get enough air. Afternoon sun filters through the room. The air conditioning causes microscopic motes to float on the liquid light. The hospital is filled with a hundred thousand sounds: life, death, footsteps and rhythmic ticks.
Yagyuu looks down. His knee keeps twitching.
No one asks what he is here for. It's the maternity ward. People come, and go: there are old women here for their daughters and middle-aged men here for their wives. Yagyuu sinks into his seat with a straight back. His glasses are on, but his vision swims. If he avoids their eyes and their disapproval, the swollen feeling inside isn't as bad.
The twins are born at two and eight minutes past midnight.
Under his breath, Yagyuu laughs.