FIC: Push/Pull, Yagyuu/Niou, NC17 (7/14)
Title: Push/Pull (7/14)
Author: Ociwen
Rating: NC17
Warning: Everything you can possibly think of, and then some. Spoilers for 40.5 and the entire series.
Disclaimer: Konomi owns all, except for Marui's crocs.
Summary: Niou is a girl, and everything pushed to the edge.
Author's Notes: This is one-shot fic related to Dénoument, We'll Always Have Kanagawa and Accidentally All Right. The fics can be read separately, but they make more sense together. Written for Niou's birthday 2008. Happy Birthday Niou!
This fic has been truncated into 14 parts due to length. The parts are NOT chapters. This is a one-shot fic.
Sanada yells at him.
Yagyuu stands there and takes it like a man: with a frown.
"Use a condom!" Sanada's face is twisted up. He raises his hand. Yagyuu steps back. "Keep your dick in your pants! You're only eighteen and-"
Yagyuu's skull pounds. "It's none of your business, Sanada-kun!" he snaps.
Sanada stomps off. Everyone else is walking ahead of them. Sanada pulled Yagyuu away, but not Kirihara. The tops of the pine trees are covered in amber light. Tiny flakes of snow have begun to fall. They melt on Yagyuu's coat. Yagyuu closes his eyes. Sanada yells.
Yagyuu pushes his glasses up. "This doesn't concern you," he says. Sanada stops for a moment. The house is in sight. Smoke drifts up from the chimneystack. Breakfast is waiting.
Truthfully, Yagyuu doesn't know what to think. He fakes a smile and tells Sanada, "I like kids."
Sanada looks as stunned as Yagyuu feels.
***
When Yagyuu wakes up, he takes a piss. He masturbates in the shower as quietly as he can. He's the first one awake and the water scalds (Marui, the last one to wake up, will squeal during his frozen shower). Yagyuu combs his hair and brushes his teeth. Niou pads up to the sink.
"Hi," Niou says. His hair is a mess. Yagyuu's dick is hard. He wants to push Niou onto a futon to see if Niou's hair could be any more bed-headed.
Instead, he pulls Niou into an empty room. Winter licks the window panes. Niou scratches his side. Yagyuu watches Niou's pajama shirt ride up. His breast peeks out. Yagyuu breathes hard.
Focus!
Yagyuu swallows. His throat is dry. "How long have you known?"
Niou's head hangs. Hair falls over his eyes. For a long time, he says nothing.
Yagyuu's stomach cramps up. He sits down beside Niou. He touches Niou's chin and says Niou's name. Yagyuu starts to apologize. He doesn't know what else to do.
Sanada was right.
At last, Niou says, "A while."
Yagyuu is silent. He thinks he hears Niou sniffle. Niou reaches up to wipe his nose with his hand. The ring gleams in the light. There are other footsteps in the corridor. Tomorrow, they're leaving.
Yagyuu offers his handkerchief, then he hugs Niou tight. Niou is stiff, but his body slowly loosens up. Yagyuu spreads a palm over Niou's stomach. Heat pumps through his veins.
"I'm excited," Yagyuu says.
***
It isn't so exciting telling his parents.
His ears ring and the house is cold. It is too big to be heated properly. The rooms are cavernous. Damp cold clings to everything. Yagyuu balls his fists.
The clock ticks. Chopsticks clack. Yagyuu's sister sits across from him at the table. Steam from tea cups curls into the air. The clock keeps ticking.
Yagyuu swallows. He stands up. The scrape of his chair forces his family to look.
He sucks in a deep breath. "My girlfriend is pregnant again," he says.
The clock keeps ticking.
Yagyuu's sister curls her lip. Yagyuu glances at his father: his face is stony. He doesn't blink.
Then Yagyuu turns to his mother. Her mouth hangs open. Yagyuu's knuckles crack. His stomach turns. In the moment before, he can see her move in slow-motion. She recoils. She picks up her tea cup. It arcs across the kitchen and smashes into the fridge door. Tea ricochets and scalds Yagyuu on the cheek, like pellets of rain.
He clenches his jaw.
"Can't you keep it in your PANTS?!" she screams at him. She cries as much as she did the first time. She yells at Yagyuu in his face. Spit flies onto his glasses. She grabs Yagyuu's shoulders and shakes him until Yagyuu's father pulls her off.
His father glares at him. Yagyuu is numb. He leaves the room. His mother screams, "Where the hell do you think you're going now?!"
Yagyuu picks his coat up and puts on his shoes. He walks out of the house. He keeps walking until his feet stop. He's standing in the middle of a frozen suburban road. Homes are lit up from within and pumping clouds of warmth into the atmosphere. Yagyuu looks down at his hands. In the street lamp light, they are blue.
Yagyuu sits on the curb of the road, shivering. Then, he calls his grandmother. It's nearly midnight and the moon hangs heavy. Yagyuu looks up as he waits for the last bus.
The moon's surface is the same colour as Niou's hair.
***
Niou drapes himself over Yagyuu's shoulders. They're in the school library. It's lunchtime and Yagyuu yawns. Filtered light permeates through the wide windows. Niou smirks, then he sits down across from Yagyuu. Niou picks up the textbook. He makes a face and says, "That looks boring."
"Maybe," Yagyuu says.
Niou snacks on a candybar. Yagyuu frowns. He says nothing, even though Sanada is a couple tables away. The tables are filled with students studying. University entrance exams are coming up. Niou crinkles the candybar wrapper. Flakes of chocolate collect on Yagyuu's notes.
"Are you feeling okay?" Yagyuu asks.
Niou shrugs.
Yagyuu nods. Sanada looks up from his notes to glare at them. Another textbook page turns. Someone coughs. Niou pokes Yagyuu's shin with his foot.
"Study hard, Yagyuu," he says.
Yagyuu nods again. I'll take care of all of you, he thinks.
He doesn't have a choice.
***
He alternates between home and his grandmother's, then back home again. His mother gives him frosty looks as the winter melts away. Yagyuu writes his entrance exams for dental university. Going home is tense. The silences and scowls weigh down on Yagyuu's shoulders. Cram school and studying late in the library are escapes. Yagyuu is afraid of Niou's parents, too. He avoids visiting Niou. His balls ache when he goes to bed, unsated and unsatisfied on a cold futon on his grandmother's floor.
Niou brings Hiromi over instead. His stomach is rounded. His breasts grow bigger. Yagyuu's dick throbs all the time when he listens to Niou's little noises and nonsense words. Hiromi says "Puri" sometimes now. Yagyuu doesn't know what to make of it.
Niou makes weak, bitter tea and they snack on ramune pans together. At times, he's nearly waddling. Yagyuu watches Niou. His throat is thick. Guilt stabs his stomach when he's alone at night and thinking of Niou going through this all over again.
At least this time, they know.
Yagyuu fills out forms for university registration. There is a form for dorm application. He folds it up and tucks it into the rubbish bin. After school, the following day, he remembers about it.
Niou walks slowly. The trees are nearly in bud. Some of the birds have begun to collect on retaining walls and cables running out from train stations. They sing with spring. Graduation is next week, and the sakura blossoms will follow them.
"Niou-kun," Yagyuu says, "do you want to live with me?"
***
Yagyuu cleans his tennis clubhouse locker out. Yukimura and Yanagi are here too, and Marui walks in after them. "Niou-kun and I are going to get a place together," Yagyuu says.
"Oh yeah?" Yukimura asks. He looks thoughtful before he nods. "Cool."
"Man, I wish I could get my own place," Marui says. "Or a car. That'd be even cooler. Think of all the chicks I could impress!"
Yanagi looks at Yagyuu. His face is round, but he hasn't puffed up all over the way Niou has. Yanagi blinks. "Can you afford a place together?" he asks.
Yagyuu walks home by himself. He checks the mail box and opens the letter from the Nippon Dental University. His shoulders sink when he reads the letter.
It is with deep regret to inform you that you have not met the qualifications for the scholarship…
***
Niou tells him on the day of the graduation ceremony.
"I'm not moving in with you."
Yagyuu's mouth drops. His class shuffles down the gymnasium in file. Sanada walks into Yagyuu. "Hurry up!" he grumbles. Yagyuu pushes his glasses up, then he walks faster. He sits down in his designated seat. Niou's class is across the aisle. The gymnasium has poor acoustics. Everything echoes, including the bat fluttering around the exposed steel beams in the ceiling. Parents crowd behind the rows of students. Yagyuu turns around; Niou's parents are here.
Yagyuu cannot find his own mother. His father had a shift scheduled at the hospital. Yagyuu purses his lips. He hopes that he heard Niou wrong. The knot in his gut tells him something else.
His name is called. A classmate pushes Yagyuu forward. He climbs the steps and bows. His hand is clammy on the diploma tube. Yagyuu walks off the stage, back to his seat. The ceremony drags on. The headmaster is longwinded. The honoured guests are even longer. Yagyuu sets his diploma tube under his seat. The metal seat creaks as he moves.
Niou crosses the stage to accept his diploma. Yagyuu can hear a rush of whispers. They flood his ears with hisses and clicking tongues. Niou is squeezed into his uniform, which pulls tight across his middle. His face is set; his lips are a thin line. Niou's eyes don't flick to Yagyuu as he walks back to his own seat: he stares straight ahead with his chin held high.
Yagyuu can see Niou's nipples through his uniform. They are stiff. They make Yagyuu stiff.
When the ceremony is over, the students rush out of the gynasium. Yagyuu searches the crowd for Niou. Niou waits by the main school doors. He stands in the shade of a pine tree. The first sakura blossoms fill the air with sweetness.
"Congratulations," Yagyuu says. He leans in to kiss Niou. Niou pushes him away.
Niou's parents are behind them. Yagyuu bows as low as he can. No words form on his lips. He's apologized so many times that it becomes more and more of a farce.
Niou's mom holds Hiromi's hand. He's dressed up and his hair is parted on the left side-the wrong side. Yagyuu's eye twitches. His glasses slip. He takes a deep breath. "Excuse me," he says.
Yagyuu kneels down. He takes a comb from his shirt pocket. Hiromi stares at Yagyuu through his own glasses as Yagyuu fixes his hair. Yagyuu stands up. Niou's mom raises her eyebrows.
Niou says, "That's just creepy, Yagyuu."
"He looks exactly like you now," Niou's father tells Yagyuu.
Jackal is the one to find them. He waves. Niou asks his mom to watch Hiromi for a bit. They walk over to the rest of the team. Marui grabs Sanada's arm and flips his cellphone out for a quick picture. Sanada scowls. Marui leers up at his boobs.
"Let's get a picture, all together," Jackal says.
Kirihara takes it with Yanagi's camera. Yagyuu stands between Jackal and Yukimura. Niou is in the front with Marui. They both flash victory signs. Yagyuu tries to smile wide like Yukimura.
He doesn't want this to be the last time they'll all be together. Yagyuu says the same things to everyone else: "I'll see you at university", "We'll meet up in the summer". It's all formalities. He knows it won't happen.
Niou doesn't seem to mind.
Three girls walk past Niou. One whispers "Slut!" Niou stops rubbing his stomach.
"Bitch," he mutters. He looks at Yagyuu. "Are you busy this evening?"
***
Naked, Niou's body is entirely different. If he had all the time in the world, Yagyuu would explore it slowly. Instead, they have sex in an alley behind a pachinko parlour. It smells like motor oil and rotting garbage. Niou's breasts heave. They jiggle when Yagyuu slides in, then out, then in again. Their hips slide together as fluid as the sea. Yagyuu sucks on Niou's nipples. They are dark and big, like 500 yen coins. They glisten with Yagyuu's saliva. Niou whimpers. His body is slippery. Yagyuu can't stop thrusting, even after he comes.
I don't want to leave you, he thinks. He holds Niou tight to his chest. Their hearts pound together.
"You're still here," Niou mumbles.
"Move in with me," Yagyuu says. "Please!" He kisses Niou hard on the mouth. Niou's tongue yields. His mouth is slick and sweet as he kisses Yagyuu back.
"Not yet," Niou says.
***
Yagyuu starts university classes.
Niou starts prenatal classes.
At university, Yagyuu is new and no one. He takes the train to Iidabashi in Tokyo in the morning. No one whispers about his girlfriend being a slut. No one whispers about Yagyuu being irresponsible and stupid. He has a locker in the biology wing: no one ever slips condoms into the slats.
Yagyuu gets free condom samples at university orientation. He gives them to Marui on a Saturday, who says thanks.
Yagyuu has a new backpack and new sneakers. He dashes between the buildings to get from class to class. University should be his dream: eager students who want to learn challenging material and get ahead in life. Yagyuu buys all his textbooks a week in advance. Niou teases him and says he's being a dork.
Yagyuu is the only student awake during his classes. A lecture room of one hundred undergraduates in an introductory dentistry course has ninety-nine heads bowed over the desks. Yagyuu frowns. The prof doesn't notice him. Yagyuu raises his hand for a question. The professor looks confused.
In the evening, Yagyuu meets Niou at the train station. Niou hands him an ultrasound photograph. There is a ghostly blob in the middle. "It's beautiful," Yagyuu says.
"You're holding it upside-down," Niou says.
They walk through the suburbs to Niou's house. Niou waddles. Yagyuu holds Niou's hand. Niou pauses to catch his breath. Then he pauses to go to Caffe Excelsior to use the bathroom. Yagyuu buys two royal milk teas to go. OLs smoking at tables glare at Niou. Niou waddles past them. He's wide enough now to bump the backs of their chairs. Niou hip-checks one OL's purse.
Yagyuu stands.
Niou drinks both milk teas.
"No one seems to pay attention in my classes," Yagyuu says.
Niou snorts. "Everyone knows that university is for sleeping."
"I didn't," Yagyuu says.
"Then you'll be top of the class," Niou says. He has a crooked grin. It's sexy, but there is too much traffic. Yagyuu says nothing. He walks carefully. His erection throbs with every step.
He eats dinner with Niou's family. Niou's mom asks him what university classes Yagyuu is taking. Niou's father asks him what he wants to do after university.
"I am thinking about just general dentistry," Yagyuu says.
"It's a solid career choice," Niou's dad says.
***
Niou dangles his rat tail over his chest. He brushes the tip over the swell of his breasts. He tilts his head back and rocks his hips. Yagyuu hisses.
"Do I have nice, straight teeth?" Niou whispers. He rubs his cunt over Yagyuu's dick. Yagyuu bucks. Niou moves away. He shakes his head. His mound pulses, burning and wet on Yagyuu's hip. Yagyuu pants.
"Niou-kun, I'm going to-"
"Not. yet…" Niou says. He twists his hand around Yagyuu's balls. Yagyuu chokes. Niou flips his hand over. The claws of the ring are sharp. They scrape Yagyuu's cock. His vision blurs. His body shakes. A surge of electricity ripples through his body. Niou rubs his body against Yagyuu's skin. He's so close.
Yagyuu grabs Niou's arms and flips him onto his back. Niou's parents are downstairs, talking. Hiromi is asleep on the futon, four feet away. Niou's eyes are huge. Yagyuu's dick is so hard he'll explode. His body trembles. He thrusts so hard Niou cries.
After, Yagyuu buttons his pants. "I'm sorry," he says.
Niou fastens his bra. "Put my socks on. I can't see my feet anymore."
Yagyuu wishes he might feel guilty. Niou is beautiful. He sits on the floor in his underpants and socks. His body is distended and distorted. There is a strange, dark line running vertical down the middle of his stomach. Yagyuu leans down. He brushes his lips over the swell. There is motion underneath his mouth. Yagyuu looks up.
Niou is smiling. "Guess he likes you," he says.
"Do you?" Yagyuu asks. His fingers linger on Niou's stomach. He rubs the nob of Niou's belly button, which has popped out. The baby keeps moving. Yagyuu can feel Niou's breathing. It makes his breasts rise and fall. Yagyuu keeps watching as Niou's nipples stiffen under the filmy fabric of his bra. His breathing picks up.
Niou's lips mouth, "Yagyuu".
He spreads his legs again and Yagyuu knows the answer is yes.
***
The first time Yagyuu goes to class with Niou, the entire room glares. Niou is relatively easy-going, although he waddles and makes Yagyuu rub his feet. The other women at the prenatal class have swollen ankles and bags under their eyes. Murder, their eyes say. You little prick impregnating that poor girl!
Even the instructor has a thin smile and a weak nod when Yagyuu walks in. He holds Niou's bag. It's big and blue and weighs a ton. Yagyuu peaks inside-it's filled with snacks and calpis candies, silly putty and a book on art forgeries.
He and Niou are the youngest people in the room. Yagyuu is the only guy in the room without a wedding band on his finger. He swallows and sets his backpack down beside Niou's purse. He came straight from chemistry study group at the university library.
It's boring. Yagyuu yawns. Niou yawns too. The other women practice their breathing. Yagyuu supports Niou, who reaches for a KitKat between breaths. The instructor says they're doing it wrong. Yagyuu doesn't think Niou really cares. He's not sure if he does either.
"Don't disrupt the class, please," the instructor says. "We're all adults here. Let's act like them."
"She's a bitch," Niou says after. Yagyuu yawns. His lungs ache from the all the forced breathing. Niou waddles to the clinic toilets. Yagyuu waits. He checks his watch. Yagyuu frowns.
Niou waddles out of the toilets. "Ne, Yagyuu, do you want to take me to Denny's-"
Yagyuu apologizes. "I have chemistry studying with some other students," he says. Niou's crooked smile stiffens. Niou says fine.
When Yagyuu shows up at the library again, no one from his study group is there. His shoulders sag. He sends a text to Niou.
Niou never responds.
***
Sometimes, Yagyuu sees Sanada at the train station on his way to Tokyo.
"Yukimura is in Toledo," Sanada says.
"Niou is still pregnant," Yagyuu says.
Other times, Sanada says, "Yukimura is in Germany."
Yagyuu says, "Niou is still pregnant."
It is a warm, summer evening. There is a soft breeze from the direction of the sea. The silky evening cloys to Yagyuu's skin. He spent the day in the library studying. His vision swims and his stomach growls.
Yagyuu walks from the bus stop. The cicadas hum in the bushes. His footsteps echo on the pavement. There are only a few dim yellow windows lit up on the upper floors of the engineering building at Rikkai university.
He could have gone here with his high school friends. Yagyuu swallows. The campus looks similar to his own, and foreign at the same time. He's a trespasser here.
Yagyuu turns a corner and keeps walking. He passes the tennis courts, which are awash with blue-tinged light on the green clay. Yagyuu pauses. Balls thwock rackets. Serves whoosh. Sneakers dig into the clay gravel and skid. Yagyuu closes his eyes. He breathes in the smell of dust and rubber and he's fifteen again.
He thinks about Yukimura, who still plays tennis. Yagyuu touches the chain link cage surrounding the courts. His fingers catch in the metal links. He takes a deep breath, and sighs.
Jackal walks up to him from the baseline. His t-shirt is sweaty and his shorts are dusty. Jackal says hi. He calls back to the guy waiting at the net. "It's my friend from high school-give me a sec, Nishiki-san!"
Yagyuu says, "I'm sorry. I'm intruding on your game." He adjusts the strap on his bag. Jackal says it's fine.
"Do you still play?" Jackal asks.
Yagyuu's chest is tight. The air is thick with impending rain. Yagyuu shakes his head. "I have a lot of work," he says.
"Don't work too hard," Jackal says, "University is for relaxing."
That's what I'm told, Yagyuu thinks.
Instead of going home, Yagyuu goes to Niou's home. Niou is massive. His face has puffed up and he's wearing a grubby t-shirt. Niou's eyes are squinty as he glares. Pre-natal classes ended last month. Every one of the women except Niou have given birth.
Niou rubs his belly. His mother asks if Yagyuu has eaten. Hiromi toddles up to Yagyuu. There is marker scribbled across his arms. Yagyuu asks if he was colouring something pretty.
"Yeah, the bathroom walls," Niou says. "And guess who got to scrub it off?"
Yagyuu doesn't ask.
He eats cold udon noodles in the kitchen. Niou's mom sips tea across the table. The clock ticks softly, but the silence isn't grating. In Niou's house, Yagyuu can breathe.
Yagyuu helps tuck Hiromi into bed. He and Niou sit on the porch. In the east, Yokohama skyscrapers glitter, almost like distant stars.
I wish that I could be a better father, a better boyfriend, a better person.
Yagyuu swings his feet. Niou squirms. He grunts. He shifts, constantly. Sweat beads along Niou's temple and the collar of his t-shirt. His stomach stretches the hem. Black roots are growing out in his hair. Niou makes a face that is half-hidden by the shadows. He's beautiful.
Yagyuu reaches for Niou's hand. His insides twist. His cock is swollen. Somehow, he knows better than to push his luck now. They had sex five days ago and Niou lay on his side like a piece of sushi, unmoving and cool. If Yagyuu was normal, that would be arousing. Nothing is normal about what they have.
Yagyuu strokes the back of Niou's hand. His skin is clammy and warm. "Do you ever miss tennis?" he asks.
Niou's hand goes limp. He blows on a piece of hair that falls into his eyes. He snorts. "Do I look like I want to play tennis right now, Yagyuu? Don't be an idiot."
"Sorry," Yagyuu says.
"Maybe you can teach the kid," Niou says. He leans back and rubs his belly. Yagyuu looks up at the sky with Niou. The suburban lights drown out the stars, but he can almost make out a faint twinkle on the darkest part of the horizon.
***
Yagyuu gets a phonecall during a biology lecture. His cellphone buzzes. He switches it off. He's the only person awake, except for the professor. Yagyuu glances to his bag. He sets his pen down, but he cannot bring himself to check his phone in the middle of the lecture. It would be rude.
As soon as class ends, Yagyuu flips his phone out.
u prick im in labr now
Yagyuu stumbles in the corridor. His breathing catches. He blinks so hard that his glasses almost slip off the end of his nose. Yagyuu's hands shake when he dials.
Niou doesn't answer his cellphone-his mother does.
"We're at Kannai General," she says. "You don't need to come. Everything is under control."
She hangs up. Students shove past Yagyuu. He stumbles into the wall. Push-pins from tacked up posters press into his arms. Niou's mom's voice rings in his ears: You don't need to come.
Yagyuu clenches his jaw to keep it from trembling. He takes a deep breath, but his chest shudders. There are three more lectures and a practical seminar in his schedule today. It doesn't matter if he there's or not; it never does.
His palms are sweaty on the bus. The subway crawls through the stops. Yagyuu tries not to check his watch. He checks his cellphone constantly. He taps his foot until his calf cramps. It's the middle of the day-it's mostly tourists and housewives and freeters out. Yagyuu's head is so light and his body a leaden weight. He wants to run through the subway station. His legs won’t let him.
This is entirely new to him. The first time, it was an accident. The first time, it was unexpected. Niou sat in a puddle of blood and afterbirth on his bathroom floor. Now, Niou is in a real hospital.
It'll be okay, Yagyuu tells himself. He runs through the doors of the hospital. He runs through the lobby. When the receptionist asks him if he's all right, Yagyuu can't say a word. His body is numb.
The hospital corridor smells of chemical antiseptic. Yagyuu keeps blinking. His shoulders sag. He can't move: the memories of last time are too fresh. Bile stings the back of his throat when he sees Niou's mother waiting on a bench.
"I need to go in," Yagyuu says. His voice cracks. His eyes prick at the sides. Yagyuu wipes them and he smears sweat across his glasses.
She shakes her head. "There's nothing for you to do."
"Please!" Yagyuu says. The doors open and a nurse walks out. Yagyuu tries to walk in. The nurse stops him. She repeats what Niou's mom said. Yagyuu shakes. His knees start to crumple. He can hear low screams and drawn out moans, but Yagyuu doesn't know if it is his mind or reality. Footsteps shuffle and click on the linoleum floors. Air conditioning rattles. Blood rushes to Yagyuu's ears. The sound of his thumping heart hammers everything else out.
On the other side of the wall, Niou is alone. Yagyuu's breathing picks up into a shallow pant. He balls his fists and sinks against the wall.
Yagyuu squeezes his eyes shut. I'm so sorry you're alone again…Niou-kun, I'm so sorry…
***
It's late afternoon when a nurse emerges from the room. Warm pink light hangs in the corridor. The sunlight is hazy and filled with dust motes. Yagyuu clutches his kneecaps. His knuckles are white and he looks up when the nurse doesn't leave.
Niou's mom holds her purse tight. Yagyuu's heart skips a beat in the silence before the nurse speaks.
She nods her head and smiles. "Congratulations, it's a boy."
***
Hiromi doesn't want to hold Yagyuu's hand. He climbs all over the chair next to Niou's bed. His glasses are slipping off his nose. Yagyuu leans over. "Here, let me fix your glasses for you." Hiromi looks at him with myopic eyes. He blinks when Yagyuu pushes the frames back up his nose.
Niou lies in bed. He types messages on his cellphone. Yagyuu leans over to see. Niou gives him an eye. His hair is a rat's nest. His pajamas hang off his shoulder. Pale skin is exposed. Yagyuu bites his bottom lip.
"The doctor said it was an easy birth," Niou says. He rolls his eyes and sinks back down into the pillows. Yagyuu touches the bouquet of flowers on the small table. The big blue hyacinths make the room smell less milky and more floral. The petals are silken under Yagyuu's fingertips.
He hasn’t been to school in three days.
"I'm sorry I wasn't there," Yagyuu says. His throat feels thick. Hiromi says he has to go to the toilet.
"There's nothing you can do," Niou says.
Yagyuu stares at the floor. He bows his head lower and apologizes again.
Niou punches him in the arm.
"Ow," Yagyuu says.
"If you'd been there, I'd probably have ripped your balls off," Niou says.
Yagyuu looks at Niou. Niou smirks. A toilet flushes in the attached bathroom.
"Will you move in with me?" Yagyuu asks. Hot hope flares in his belly. The baby starts to squawl in that keening cry only newborns make. Yagyuu winces. Niou picks the baby up. This time, he unbuttons his shirt and his bra. He lifts his eyes to Yagyuu as the baby starts to suck.
"Fat chance, Yagyuu," Niou says.
***
They call him Hiroki.
"Can you think of anything better?" Niou asks.
Yagyuu can't.
He still can't sign his name on the register, either.
***
He crawls home at midnight. BO clings to his body. Sticky summer humidity makes his t-shirt cling to his back. Yagyuu slept at the hospital last night, and at his Grandmother's the night before.
His mother is home.
His body is exhausted. His mind is fried and there is spittle on his t-shirt. Yagyuu's scalp crawls and there are a few straggly hairs on his chin. He toes his shoes off. It is so much effort to move. He forces his limbs to work. He ate at a ramen bar at the train station. Salt sticks to his lips. When a shadow grows taller in front of him, Yagyuu wants to puke.
His mother looks at him. Her expression is hidden by the darkness. There is no one else awake except the two of them.
Yagyuu can't do this. His weight shifts. He's off-balance and sleep-deprivation makes tears form in the corners of his eyes.
Leave me alone!
The whites of his mother's eyes glow. In a low voice, she asks, "What was it?"
Yagyuu stiffens.
The air-conditioning is on full blast. It's winter in here. The ends of Yagyuu's hair lift up.
"What was it?" she asks again.
Yagyuu keeps breathing. Finally, he says, "A boy."
As he walks up the stairs to his bedroom, Yagyuu thinks that her lips curl into a smirk. When he glances back to check, she's gone.
It was nothing but an illusion.
***
There isn't anything important at school until exams in early August. Niou comes home three days after Hiroki is born. He and Yagyuu go for a walk the same evening. Niou walks without his swagger. His steps are slow and careful. Yagyuu pushes the stroller. Rain from the afternoon has left a mist over the park. Their steps crunch on the wet gravel.
At the other end of the park is a tennis court. Yagyuu doesn't mean to walk near it. The ground is soggy. The wheels of the stroller splash through puddles. Niou stomps through others. He looks over his shoulder and stops walking.
Two teenage kids play a game.
Yagyuu's hands tighten on the handle of the stroller. His heart pounds against his ribs. One boy volleys to his friend, who slugs the ball back with a straight, speedy forehand. Yagyuu holds his breath.
Niou's eyes are dark. His pupils are huge and damp, like the muggy atmosphere. "That's almost like your laser," he murmurs.
The rally on the courts makes the floodlight flicker. Yagyuu looks down at his hand. He turns it over and flexes his fingers. He can't remember the weight of his racket. He can't remember the feeling of fresh grip tape pressed to his palm.
Niou takes Yagyuu's hand. His grip is sweaty and firm. He may be a girl now, but Niou still has big hands. Yagyuu looks at him.
"Do you miss it?" Niou asks. He cocks his head to the side. He already knows the answer.
Yagyuu pushes the stroller. Of course, he thinks. Niou falls into step beside him. The insects cling to the trees. The night air clings to them. "Do you?" Yagyuu asks.
Niou shifts his eyes. He shrugs. "It's not as though we were gonna go pro like Yukimura."
There is a bench at the side of the pathway. The baby starts to squirm. Niou sits down to unbutton his shirt. With the second baby, he's not as secretive. He doesn't seem to care if Yagyuu looks. He doesn't seem to care that they are in public. Yagyuu keeps his eyes peeled. He drums his fingers on the edge of the seat. The park is empty of everything except them, and the cicadas.
"Ne, Yagyuu?"
Yagyuu turns.
Niou has a cocky half-smile. "It's not like Sanada's ever gonna be married to a doctor, though."
When Yagyuu sits on the bus going home, he touches his face. His cheeks are warm. He thinks about the sound of Niou's voice. Married.
The reflection in the window smiles back at him.
***
During the day, Yagyuu goes to the university. He leaves before three each afternoon. He takes the subway to Niou's house. Niou's mother is always home. Yagyuu's balls ache. He helps with the laundry. He reads books to Hiromi and then he offers to do dishes while Niou's mom cooks supper.
Niou watches tv and nurses. Niou reads comics and chews on his hangnails when the baby sleeps. He downloads music onto Yagyuu's cellphone, then he nurses the baby again. His eyes are pink. His hair is straggly. Niou has a twitch on the left side of his face. The tv reflects in his glazed pupils. Hiroki screams. Yagyuu drops a knife into the dishwater. Niou switches breasts.
Niou's brother comes home from school. He closes his eyes. "Neesan, please put that away."
Niou sniffs. "I'm not your sister. Aniki. Dumbass."
Yagyuu stands between them. He washes a bowl, but he can still hear Niou and his brother talking.
"Not when you do that," Niou's brother says.
"Please try to be a little more discrete, Masaharu," Niou's mom says. She flips a fish fillet over in the pan.
Niou's brother leaves. Yagyuu dries his hands and walks to the couch. There's a gameshow on tv. Niou hands Yagyuu Hiroki. Yagyuu drapes the baby over his shoulder. He pats the baby's back. Niou fixes his bra. The baby belches up spew all over the towel and Yagyuu's neck.
"At least I'm not like Yanagi," Niou says. His voice is scratchy. Yagyuu raises his eyebrows. "Marui said that he saw Yanagi whip it out in the middle of the supermarket."
"Since when are you friends with Marui-kun?" Yagyuu asks.
Niou rolls his eyes. "He said he nearly puked in the cake aisle." Niou snickers, but a yawn breaks it. He completely ignores Yagyuu's question. Hiroki belches again.
Yagyuu eats dinner with Niou's family. Niou is asleep on the couch. Yagyuu's heart catches in his throat. He leaves Niou alone. Hiromi eats beside Yagyuu. There's always a place set for them both. There's always a pair of spare chopsticks-green, his favourite colour.
The green chopsticks at Yagyuu's home have been put away in a drawer.
He's only there to sleep, anyway.
***
Yagyuu buys groceries for Niou's mom. He puts meat and tofu and milk on his credit card. The cashier frowns. Yagyuu avoids her eye.
As Yagyuu walks through the suburbs of cement-faced fences, Marui phones. The sun is a dim purple band on the horizon.
"Wanna come out tonight with me and Jackal?" he asks. "We haven't seen you in ages, dude."
Yagyuu frowns. The plastic bag is heavy in the crook of his elbow. "I can't," he says. I have responsibilities!
"Aw, come on, Hiroshi!" Marui says.
"I have exams," Yagyuu says. They aren't for another month, but Marui doesn't need to know that.
In the background, Jackal says something. Marui says Yagyuu's no fun.
"When was the last time you were out?" Marui asks. "High school, right?"
"I'm sorry," Yagyuu says. He presses end. His throat is thick. Yagyuu tries to walk faster. The rainy season has ended, but the air is so humid. Yagyuu feels like he's swimming. His body melts.
His lungs can't get enough air. His chest aches.
Marui is right.
***
Yagyuu walks to Niou's house. His t-shirt is stuck to his back in the ten minute walk from the subway station. His face is on fire. He sighs into the air conditioning when he opens the door.
It's late. His exams are coming up. More students are staying awake in lectures. Yagyuu's hand throbs from taking so many notes.
Niou's house smells like dinner. Yagyuu smiles.
No Hiromi toddles up to him.
No Niou skulks in the hallway like a zombie.
Niou's mom says, "Masaharu took the kids to your grandmother's."
The smile on Yagyuu's face is tight. "Ah, thank you," he says.
He doesn't think about anything as he walks the entire other direction, except, It's so hot.
Yagyuu can't stand up straight. His jeans stick to his legs. His skin burns. The cicadas are as loud as they were at noon. He knocks on his grandmother's door. Yagyuu sighs into the air conditioning when she opens it to let him in.
It's later than before. Hiromi toddles up to the door. He's wearing pajamas. He rubs his eyes. Yagyuu fixes the crooked glasses. "Hey buddy," he says. Yagyuu smiles.
Hiromi yawns. In the background, a baby screams. Yagyuu doesn't see Niou.
"Niou-chan said you two were going out tonight," his grandmother says.
Yagyuu has no idea what she is talking about. He picks Hiroki up. The baby screams louder. Yagyuu cringes. He bounces Hiroki on his shoulders. The baby keeps howling. Yagyuu's ears ring. He walks into the spare bedroom. "Shhhh," he says.
Hiroki screams louder than ever. He cries and cries and Yagyuu can't do anything. The baby doesn't eat solid food yet. There's no pablum or formula in his grandmother's house. Yagyuu clenches his jaw. Hiroki cries long and hard enough that he's whimpering now. Hiromi has started crying behind him.
Shut up! he thinks.
He calls Niou's cellphone. There is no answer.
Hiroki won't stop crying. Yagyuu wants to shake the baby. He wants to shake Niou.
He fishes through the baby bag. His grandmother offers to go out and buy some whiskey to quiet the baby. Yagyuu shakes his head. There's nothing in the LeSportsac bag except diapers and cheerios and foam darts. Yagyuu throws it across the floor.
Hiromi stops screaming long enough to pick up a folded piece of paper.
Be back in a bit
-Niou
It's five in the morning when Yagyuu's cellphone rings.
***
He's dancing. The strobe lights steal the breath from his lungs. There are so many people crowded around him. They girate en masse, throbbing and heaving with the beat of the music. Niou's breasts ache. They heave as he dances. His bra isn't good enough. Guys eye his chest. Niou rolls his eyes back. He lifts his arms above his head and he keeps dancing. Jackal and Marui are lost in the crowd.
Niou should feel guilty for this. The alcohol numbs his body. The alcohol makes him forget that he's got two kids at home. He's so exhausted that he doesn't care anymore. He can't remember the last time he slept. If he keeps dancing, he can forget everything shitty about his life. He has his arms above his head as he moves. Niou wiggles. Niou rolls his hips. The song changes. A guy comes up from behind. He's taller and he stares at the sweaty v of Niou's cleavage.
"Hoi hoi, can I get you a drink?" he shouts.
Niou takes a shot at the bar. He staggers. He hums the rhythm of the music. Niou bumps into Marui, whose arm touches Niou's ass. "Womanizer, womanizer…" Marui keeps singing. Niou is too drunk to understand. He stumbles into the bar again. The guy from before catches Niou's arm.
"Careful," he says. A catty smile plays on his lips.
Niou grins.
They guy has dyed hair and looks familiar. Niou can't place him. Warm hands are on Niou's hips. They dance together, near the club bathrooms. Half the people here are underage, but everyone drinks. The guy's palms run over Niou's breasts. Niou squeezes his eyes shut. His chest aches so much-he needs to feed the baby. His nipples stiffen and that cat smile presses into his neck. Niou can't remember what time it is. He can't remember himself.
They keep dancing. Niou grinds his hips into the guy's erection. He closes his eyes and thinks, Yagyuu.
Strobe lights flash over the crowd of heads. Blinding white intersects with neon rays of colour. Everything is electric and Niou's body is on fire. He moves and rubs his body against this strange guy. The guy offers to buy Niou another drink. Someone does a shot between Niou's breasts. Alcohol slides down his shirt. He gasps. His muscles are numb; the heels cut into his ankles and his vision becomes fuzzy.
He can't remember anything else.
Author: Ociwen
Rating: NC17
Warning: Everything you can possibly think of, and then some. Spoilers for 40.5 and the entire series.
Disclaimer: Konomi owns all, except for Marui's crocs.
Summary: Niou is a girl, and everything pushed to the edge.
Author's Notes: This is one-shot fic related to Dénoument, We'll Always Have Kanagawa and Accidentally All Right. The fics can be read separately, but they make more sense together. Written for Niou's birthday 2008. Happy Birthday Niou!
This fic has been truncated into 14 parts due to length. The parts are NOT chapters. This is a one-shot fic.
Sanada yells at him.
Yagyuu stands there and takes it like a man: with a frown.
"Use a condom!" Sanada's face is twisted up. He raises his hand. Yagyuu steps back. "Keep your dick in your pants! You're only eighteen and-"
Yagyuu's skull pounds. "It's none of your business, Sanada-kun!" he snaps.
Sanada stomps off. Everyone else is walking ahead of them. Sanada pulled Yagyuu away, but not Kirihara. The tops of the pine trees are covered in amber light. Tiny flakes of snow have begun to fall. They melt on Yagyuu's coat. Yagyuu closes his eyes. Sanada yells.
Yagyuu pushes his glasses up. "This doesn't concern you," he says. Sanada stops for a moment. The house is in sight. Smoke drifts up from the chimneystack. Breakfast is waiting.
Truthfully, Yagyuu doesn't know what to think. He fakes a smile and tells Sanada, "I like kids."
Sanada looks as stunned as Yagyuu feels.
***
When Yagyuu wakes up, he takes a piss. He masturbates in the shower as quietly as he can. He's the first one awake and the water scalds (Marui, the last one to wake up, will squeal during his frozen shower). Yagyuu combs his hair and brushes his teeth. Niou pads up to the sink.
"Hi," Niou says. His hair is a mess. Yagyuu's dick is hard. He wants to push Niou onto a futon to see if Niou's hair could be any more bed-headed.
Instead, he pulls Niou into an empty room. Winter licks the window panes. Niou scratches his side. Yagyuu watches Niou's pajama shirt ride up. His breast peeks out. Yagyuu breathes hard.
Focus!
Yagyuu swallows. His throat is dry. "How long have you known?"
Niou's head hangs. Hair falls over his eyes. For a long time, he says nothing.
Yagyuu's stomach cramps up. He sits down beside Niou. He touches Niou's chin and says Niou's name. Yagyuu starts to apologize. He doesn't know what else to do.
Sanada was right.
At last, Niou says, "A while."
Yagyuu is silent. He thinks he hears Niou sniffle. Niou reaches up to wipe his nose with his hand. The ring gleams in the light. There are other footsteps in the corridor. Tomorrow, they're leaving.
Yagyuu offers his handkerchief, then he hugs Niou tight. Niou is stiff, but his body slowly loosens up. Yagyuu spreads a palm over Niou's stomach. Heat pumps through his veins.
"I'm excited," Yagyuu says.
***
It isn't so exciting telling his parents.
His ears ring and the house is cold. It is too big to be heated properly. The rooms are cavernous. Damp cold clings to everything. Yagyuu balls his fists.
The clock ticks. Chopsticks clack. Yagyuu's sister sits across from him at the table. Steam from tea cups curls into the air. The clock keeps ticking.
Yagyuu swallows. He stands up. The scrape of his chair forces his family to look.
He sucks in a deep breath. "My girlfriend is pregnant again," he says.
The clock keeps ticking.
Yagyuu's sister curls her lip. Yagyuu glances at his father: his face is stony. He doesn't blink.
Then Yagyuu turns to his mother. Her mouth hangs open. Yagyuu's knuckles crack. His stomach turns. In the moment before, he can see her move in slow-motion. She recoils. She picks up her tea cup. It arcs across the kitchen and smashes into the fridge door. Tea ricochets and scalds Yagyuu on the cheek, like pellets of rain.
He clenches his jaw.
"Can't you keep it in your PANTS?!" she screams at him. She cries as much as she did the first time. She yells at Yagyuu in his face. Spit flies onto his glasses. She grabs Yagyuu's shoulders and shakes him until Yagyuu's father pulls her off.
His father glares at him. Yagyuu is numb. He leaves the room. His mother screams, "Where the hell do you think you're going now?!"
Yagyuu picks his coat up and puts on his shoes. He walks out of the house. He keeps walking until his feet stop. He's standing in the middle of a frozen suburban road. Homes are lit up from within and pumping clouds of warmth into the atmosphere. Yagyuu looks down at his hands. In the street lamp light, they are blue.
Yagyuu sits on the curb of the road, shivering. Then, he calls his grandmother. It's nearly midnight and the moon hangs heavy. Yagyuu looks up as he waits for the last bus.
The moon's surface is the same colour as Niou's hair.
***
Niou drapes himself over Yagyuu's shoulders. They're in the school library. It's lunchtime and Yagyuu yawns. Filtered light permeates through the wide windows. Niou smirks, then he sits down across from Yagyuu. Niou picks up the textbook. He makes a face and says, "That looks boring."
"Maybe," Yagyuu says.
Niou snacks on a candybar. Yagyuu frowns. He says nothing, even though Sanada is a couple tables away. The tables are filled with students studying. University entrance exams are coming up. Niou crinkles the candybar wrapper. Flakes of chocolate collect on Yagyuu's notes.
"Are you feeling okay?" Yagyuu asks.
Niou shrugs.
Yagyuu nods. Sanada looks up from his notes to glare at them. Another textbook page turns. Someone coughs. Niou pokes Yagyuu's shin with his foot.
"Study hard, Yagyuu," he says.
Yagyuu nods again. I'll take care of all of you, he thinks.
He doesn't have a choice.
***
He alternates between home and his grandmother's, then back home again. His mother gives him frosty looks as the winter melts away. Yagyuu writes his entrance exams for dental university. Going home is tense. The silences and scowls weigh down on Yagyuu's shoulders. Cram school and studying late in the library are escapes. Yagyuu is afraid of Niou's parents, too. He avoids visiting Niou. His balls ache when he goes to bed, unsated and unsatisfied on a cold futon on his grandmother's floor.
Niou brings Hiromi over instead. His stomach is rounded. His breasts grow bigger. Yagyuu's dick throbs all the time when he listens to Niou's little noises and nonsense words. Hiromi says "Puri" sometimes now. Yagyuu doesn't know what to make of it.
Niou makes weak, bitter tea and they snack on ramune pans together. At times, he's nearly waddling. Yagyuu watches Niou. His throat is thick. Guilt stabs his stomach when he's alone at night and thinking of Niou going through this all over again.
At least this time, they know.
Yagyuu fills out forms for university registration. There is a form for dorm application. He folds it up and tucks it into the rubbish bin. After school, the following day, he remembers about it.
Niou walks slowly. The trees are nearly in bud. Some of the birds have begun to collect on retaining walls and cables running out from train stations. They sing with spring. Graduation is next week, and the sakura blossoms will follow them.
"Niou-kun," Yagyuu says, "do you want to live with me?"
***
Yagyuu cleans his tennis clubhouse locker out. Yukimura and Yanagi are here too, and Marui walks in after them. "Niou-kun and I are going to get a place together," Yagyuu says.
"Oh yeah?" Yukimura asks. He looks thoughtful before he nods. "Cool."
"Man, I wish I could get my own place," Marui says. "Or a car. That'd be even cooler. Think of all the chicks I could impress!"
Yanagi looks at Yagyuu. His face is round, but he hasn't puffed up all over the way Niou has. Yanagi blinks. "Can you afford a place together?" he asks.
Yagyuu walks home by himself. He checks the mail box and opens the letter from the Nippon Dental University. His shoulders sink when he reads the letter.
It is with deep regret to inform you that you have not met the qualifications for the scholarship…
***
Niou tells him on the day of the graduation ceremony.
"I'm not moving in with you."
Yagyuu's mouth drops. His class shuffles down the gymnasium in file. Sanada walks into Yagyuu. "Hurry up!" he grumbles. Yagyuu pushes his glasses up, then he walks faster. He sits down in his designated seat. Niou's class is across the aisle. The gymnasium has poor acoustics. Everything echoes, including the bat fluttering around the exposed steel beams in the ceiling. Parents crowd behind the rows of students. Yagyuu turns around; Niou's parents are here.
Yagyuu cannot find his own mother. His father had a shift scheduled at the hospital. Yagyuu purses his lips. He hopes that he heard Niou wrong. The knot in his gut tells him something else.
His name is called. A classmate pushes Yagyuu forward. He climbs the steps and bows. His hand is clammy on the diploma tube. Yagyuu walks off the stage, back to his seat. The ceremony drags on. The headmaster is longwinded. The honoured guests are even longer. Yagyuu sets his diploma tube under his seat. The metal seat creaks as he moves.
Niou crosses the stage to accept his diploma. Yagyuu can hear a rush of whispers. They flood his ears with hisses and clicking tongues. Niou is squeezed into his uniform, which pulls tight across his middle. His face is set; his lips are a thin line. Niou's eyes don't flick to Yagyuu as he walks back to his own seat: he stares straight ahead with his chin held high.
Yagyuu can see Niou's nipples through his uniform. They are stiff. They make Yagyuu stiff.
When the ceremony is over, the students rush out of the gynasium. Yagyuu searches the crowd for Niou. Niou waits by the main school doors. He stands in the shade of a pine tree. The first sakura blossoms fill the air with sweetness.
"Congratulations," Yagyuu says. He leans in to kiss Niou. Niou pushes him away.
Niou's parents are behind them. Yagyuu bows as low as he can. No words form on his lips. He's apologized so many times that it becomes more and more of a farce.
Niou's mom holds Hiromi's hand. He's dressed up and his hair is parted on the left side-the wrong side. Yagyuu's eye twitches. His glasses slip. He takes a deep breath. "Excuse me," he says.
Yagyuu kneels down. He takes a comb from his shirt pocket. Hiromi stares at Yagyuu through his own glasses as Yagyuu fixes his hair. Yagyuu stands up. Niou's mom raises her eyebrows.
Niou says, "That's just creepy, Yagyuu."
"He looks exactly like you now," Niou's father tells Yagyuu.
Jackal is the one to find them. He waves. Niou asks his mom to watch Hiromi for a bit. They walk over to the rest of the team. Marui grabs Sanada's arm and flips his cellphone out for a quick picture. Sanada scowls. Marui leers up at his boobs.
"Let's get a picture, all together," Jackal says.
Kirihara takes it with Yanagi's camera. Yagyuu stands between Jackal and Yukimura. Niou is in the front with Marui. They both flash victory signs. Yagyuu tries to smile wide like Yukimura.
He doesn't want this to be the last time they'll all be together. Yagyuu says the same things to everyone else: "I'll see you at university", "We'll meet up in the summer". It's all formalities. He knows it won't happen.
Niou doesn't seem to mind.
Three girls walk past Niou. One whispers "Slut!" Niou stops rubbing his stomach.
"Bitch," he mutters. He looks at Yagyuu. "Are you busy this evening?"
***
Naked, Niou's body is entirely different. If he had all the time in the world, Yagyuu would explore it slowly. Instead, they have sex in an alley behind a pachinko parlour. It smells like motor oil and rotting garbage. Niou's breasts heave. They jiggle when Yagyuu slides in, then out, then in again. Their hips slide together as fluid as the sea. Yagyuu sucks on Niou's nipples. They are dark and big, like 500 yen coins. They glisten with Yagyuu's saliva. Niou whimpers. His body is slippery. Yagyuu can't stop thrusting, even after he comes.
I don't want to leave you, he thinks. He holds Niou tight to his chest. Their hearts pound together.
"You're still here," Niou mumbles.
"Move in with me," Yagyuu says. "Please!" He kisses Niou hard on the mouth. Niou's tongue yields. His mouth is slick and sweet as he kisses Yagyuu back.
"Not yet," Niou says.
***
Yagyuu starts university classes.
Niou starts prenatal classes.
At university, Yagyuu is new and no one. He takes the train to Iidabashi in Tokyo in the morning. No one whispers about his girlfriend being a slut. No one whispers about Yagyuu being irresponsible and stupid. He has a locker in the biology wing: no one ever slips condoms into the slats.
Yagyuu gets free condom samples at university orientation. He gives them to Marui on a Saturday, who says thanks.
Yagyuu has a new backpack and new sneakers. He dashes between the buildings to get from class to class. University should be his dream: eager students who want to learn challenging material and get ahead in life. Yagyuu buys all his textbooks a week in advance. Niou teases him and says he's being a dork.
Yagyuu is the only student awake during his classes. A lecture room of one hundred undergraduates in an introductory dentistry course has ninety-nine heads bowed over the desks. Yagyuu frowns. The prof doesn't notice him. Yagyuu raises his hand for a question. The professor looks confused.
In the evening, Yagyuu meets Niou at the train station. Niou hands him an ultrasound photograph. There is a ghostly blob in the middle. "It's beautiful," Yagyuu says.
"You're holding it upside-down," Niou says.
They walk through the suburbs to Niou's house. Niou waddles. Yagyuu holds Niou's hand. Niou pauses to catch his breath. Then he pauses to go to Caffe Excelsior to use the bathroom. Yagyuu buys two royal milk teas to go. OLs smoking at tables glare at Niou. Niou waddles past them. He's wide enough now to bump the backs of their chairs. Niou hip-checks one OL's purse.
Yagyuu stands.
Niou drinks both milk teas.
"No one seems to pay attention in my classes," Yagyuu says.
Niou snorts. "Everyone knows that university is for sleeping."
"I didn't," Yagyuu says.
"Then you'll be top of the class," Niou says. He has a crooked grin. It's sexy, but there is too much traffic. Yagyuu says nothing. He walks carefully. His erection throbs with every step.
He eats dinner with Niou's family. Niou's mom asks him what university classes Yagyuu is taking. Niou's father asks him what he wants to do after university.
"I am thinking about just general dentistry," Yagyuu says.
"It's a solid career choice," Niou's dad says.
***
Niou dangles his rat tail over his chest. He brushes the tip over the swell of his breasts. He tilts his head back and rocks his hips. Yagyuu hisses.
"Do I have nice, straight teeth?" Niou whispers. He rubs his cunt over Yagyuu's dick. Yagyuu bucks. Niou moves away. He shakes his head. His mound pulses, burning and wet on Yagyuu's hip. Yagyuu pants.
"Niou-kun, I'm going to-"
"Not. yet…" Niou says. He twists his hand around Yagyuu's balls. Yagyuu chokes. Niou flips his hand over. The claws of the ring are sharp. They scrape Yagyuu's cock. His vision blurs. His body shakes. A surge of electricity ripples through his body. Niou rubs his body against Yagyuu's skin. He's so close.
Yagyuu grabs Niou's arms and flips him onto his back. Niou's parents are downstairs, talking. Hiromi is asleep on the futon, four feet away. Niou's eyes are huge. Yagyuu's dick is so hard he'll explode. His body trembles. He thrusts so hard Niou cries.
After, Yagyuu buttons his pants. "I'm sorry," he says.
Niou fastens his bra. "Put my socks on. I can't see my feet anymore."
Yagyuu wishes he might feel guilty. Niou is beautiful. He sits on the floor in his underpants and socks. His body is distended and distorted. There is a strange, dark line running vertical down the middle of his stomach. Yagyuu leans down. He brushes his lips over the swell. There is motion underneath his mouth. Yagyuu looks up.
Niou is smiling. "Guess he likes you," he says.
"Do you?" Yagyuu asks. His fingers linger on Niou's stomach. He rubs the nob of Niou's belly button, which has popped out. The baby keeps moving. Yagyuu can feel Niou's breathing. It makes his breasts rise and fall. Yagyuu keeps watching as Niou's nipples stiffen under the filmy fabric of his bra. His breathing picks up.
Niou's lips mouth, "Yagyuu".
He spreads his legs again and Yagyuu knows the answer is yes.
***
The first time Yagyuu goes to class with Niou, the entire room glares. Niou is relatively easy-going, although he waddles and makes Yagyuu rub his feet. The other women at the prenatal class have swollen ankles and bags under their eyes. Murder, their eyes say. You little prick impregnating that poor girl!
Even the instructor has a thin smile and a weak nod when Yagyuu walks in. He holds Niou's bag. It's big and blue and weighs a ton. Yagyuu peaks inside-it's filled with snacks and calpis candies, silly putty and a book on art forgeries.
He and Niou are the youngest people in the room. Yagyuu is the only guy in the room without a wedding band on his finger. He swallows and sets his backpack down beside Niou's purse. He came straight from chemistry study group at the university library.
It's boring. Yagyuu yawns. Niou yawns too. The other women practice their breathing. Yagyuu supports Niou, who reaches for a KitKat between breaths. The instructor says they're doing it wrong. Yagyuu doesn't think Niou really cares. He's not sure if he does either.
"Don't disrupt the class, please," the instructor says. "We're all adults here. Let's act like them."
"She's a bitch," Niou says after. Yagyuu yawns. His lungs ache from the all the forced breathing. Niou waddles to the clinic toilets. Yagyuu waits. He checks his watch. Yagyuu frowns.
Niou waddles out of the toilets. "Ne, Yagyuu, do you want to take me to Denny's-"
Yagyuu apologizes. "I have chemistry studying with some other students," he says. Niou's crooked smile stiffens. Niou says fine.
When Yagyuu shows up at the library again, no one from his study group is there. His shoulders sag. He sends a text to Niou.
Niou never responds.
***
Sometimes, Yagyuu sees Sanada at the train station on his way to Tokyo.
"Yukimura is in Toledo," Sanada says.
"Niou is still pregnant," Yagyuu says.
Other times, Sanada says, "Yukimura is in Germany."
Yagyuu says, "Niou is still pregnant."
It is a warm, summer evening. There is a soft breeze from the direction of the sea. The silky evening cloys to Yagyuu's skin. He spent the day in the library studying. His vision swims and his stomach growls.
Yagyuu walks from the bus stop. The cicadas hum in the bushes. His footsteps echo on the pavement. There are only a few dim yellow windows lit up on the upper floors of the engineering building at Rikkai university.
He could have gone here with his high school friends. Yagyuu swallows. The campus looks similar to his own, and foreign at the same time. He's a trespasser here.
Yagyuu turns a corner and keeps walking. He passes the tennis courts, which are awash with blue-tinged light on the green clay. Yagyuu pauses. Balls thwock rackets. Serves whoosh. Sneakers dig into the clay gravel and skid. Yagyuu closes his eyes. He breathes in the smell of dust and rubber and he's fifteen again.
He thinks about Yukimura, who still plays tennis. Yagyuu touches the chain link cage surrounding the courts. His fingers catch in the metal links. He takes a deep breath, and sighs.
Jackal walks up to him from the baseline. His t-shirt is sweaty and his shorts are dusty. Jackal says hi. He calls back to the guy waiting at the net. "It's my friend from high school-give me a sec, Nishiki-san!"
Yagyuu says, "I'm sorry. I'm intruding on your game." He adjusts the strap on his bag. Jackal says it's fine.
"Do you still play?" Jackal asks.
Yagyuu's chest is tight. The air is thick with impending rain. Yagyuu shakes his head. "I have a lot of work," he says.
"Don't work too hard," Jackal says, "University is for relaxing."
That's what I'm told, Yagyuu thinks.
Instead of going home, Yagyuu goes to Niou's home. Niou is massive. His face has puffed up and he's wearing a grubby t-shirt. Niou's eyes are squinty as he glares. Pre-natal classes ended last month. Every one of the women except Niou have given birth.
Niou rubs his belly. His mother asks if Yagyuu has eaten. Hiromi toddles up to Yagyuu. There is marker scribbled across his arms. Yagyuu asks if he was colouring something pretty.
"Yeah, the bathroom walls," Niou says. "And guess who got to scrub it off?"
Yagyuu doesn't ask.
He eats cold udon noodles in the kitchen. Niou's mom sips tea across the table. The clock ticks softly, but the silence isn't grating. In Niou's house, Yagyuu can breathe.
Yagyuu helps tuck Hiromi into bed. He and Niou sit on the porch. In the east, Yokohama skyscrapers glitter, almost like distant stars.
I wish that I could be a better father, a better boyfriend, a better person.
Yagyuu swings his feet. Niou squirms. He grunts. He shifts, constantly. Sweat beads along Niou's temple and the collar of his t-shirt. His stomach stretches the hem. Black roots are growing out in his hair. Niou makes a face that is half-hidden by the shadows. He's beautiful.
Yagyuu reaches for Niou's hand. His insides twist. His cock is swollen. Somehow, he knows better than to push his luck now. They had sex five days ago and Niou lay on his side like a piece of sushi, unmoving and cool. If Yagyuu was normal, that would be arousing. Nothing is normal about what they have.
Yagyuu strokes the back of Niou's hand. His skin is clammy and warm. "Do you ever miss tennis?" he asks.
Niou's hand goes limp. He blows on a piece of hair that falls into his eyes. He snorts. "Do I look like I want to play tennis right now, Yagyuu? Don't be an idiot."
"Sorry," Yagyuu says.
"Maybe you can teach the kid," Niou says. He leans back and rubs his belly. Yagyuu looks up at the sky with Niou. The suburban lights drown out the stars, but he can almost make out a faint twinkle on the darkest part of the horizon.
***
Yagyuu gets a phonecall during a biology lecture. His cellphone buzzes. He switches it off. He's the only person awake, except for the professor. Yagyuu glances to his bag. He sets his pen down, but he cannot bring himself to check his phone in the middle of the lecture. It would be rude.
As soon as class ends, Yagyuu flips his phone out.
u prick im in labr now
Yagyuu stumbles in the corridor. His breathing catches. He blinks so hard that his glasses almost slip off the end of his nose. Yagyuu's hands shake when he dials.
Niou doesn't answer his cellphone-his mother does.
"We're at Kannai General," she says. "You don't need to come. Everything is under control."
She hangs up. Students shove past Yagyuu. He stumbles into the wall. Push-pins from tacked up posters press into his arms. Niou's mom's voice rings in his ears: You don't need to come.
Yagyuu clenches his jaw to keep it from trembling. He takes a deep breath, but his chest shudders. There are three more lectures and a practical seminar in his schedule today. It doesn't matter if he there's or not; it never does.
His palms are sweaty on the bus. The subway crawls through the stops. Yagyuu tries not to check his watch. He checks his cellphone constantly. He taps his foot until his calf cramps. It's the middle of the day-it's mostly tourists and housewives and freeters out. Yagyuu's head is so light and his body a leaden weight. He wants to run through the subway station. His legs won’t let him.
This is entirely new to him. The first time, it was an accident. The first time, it was unexpected. Niou sat in a puddle of blood and afterbirth on his bathroom floor. Now, Niou is in a real hospital.
It'll be okay, Yagyuu tells himself. He runs through the doors of the hospital. He runs through the lobby. When the receptionist asks him if he's all right, Yagyuu can't say a word. His body is numb.
The hospital corridor smells of chemical antiseptic. Yagyuu keeps blinking. His shoulders sag. He can't move: the memories of last time are too fresh. Bile stings the back of his throat when he sees Niou's mother waiting on a bench.
"I need to go in," Yagyuu says. His voice cracks. His eyes prick at the sides. Yagyuu wipes them and he smears sweat across his glasses.
She shakes her head. "There's nothing for you to do."
"Please!" Yagyuu says. The doors open and a nurse walks out. Yagyuu tries to walk in. The nurse stops him. She repeats what Niou's mom said. Yagyuu shakes. His knees start to crumple. He can hear low screams and drawn out moans, but Yagyuu doesn't know if it is his mind or reality. Footsteps shuffle and click on the linoleum floors. Air conditioning rattles. Blood rushes to Yagyuu's ears. The sound of his thumping heart hammers everything else out.
On the other side of the wall, Niou is alone. Yagyuu's breathing picks up into a shallow pant. He balls his fists and sinks against the wall.
Yagyuu squeezes his eyes shut. I'm so sorry you're alone again…Niou-kun, I'm so sorry…
***
It's late afternoon when a nurse emerges from the room. Warm pink light hangs in the corridor. The sunlight is hazy and filled with dust motes. Yagyuu clutches his kneecaps. His knuckles are white and he looks up when the nurse doesn't leave.
Niou's mom holds her purse tight. Yagyuu's heart skips a beat in the silence before the nurse speaks.
She nods her head and smiles. "Congratulations, it's a boy."
***
Hiromi doesn't want to hold Yagyuu's hand. He climbs all over the chair next to Niou's bed. His glasses are slipping off his nose. Yagyuu leans over. "Here, let me fix your glasses for you." Hiromi looks at him with myopic eyes. He blinks when Yagyuu pushes the frames back up his nose.
Niou lies in bed. He types messages on his cellphone. Yagyuu leans over to see. Niou gives him an eye. His hair is a rat's nest. His pajamas hang off his shoulder. Pale skin is exposed. Yagyuu bites his bottom lip.
"The doctor said it was an easy birth," Niou says. He rolls his eyes and sinks back down into the pillows. Yagyuu touches the bouquet of flowers on the small table. The big blue hyacinths make the room smell less milky and more floral. The petals are silken under Yagyuu's fingertips.
He hasn’t been to school in three days.
"I'm sorry I wasn't there," Yagyuu says. His throat feels thick. Hiromi says he has to go to the toilet.
"There's nothing you can do," Niou says.
Yagyuu stares at the floor. He bows his head lower and apologizes again.
Niou punches him in the arm.
"Ow," Yagyuu says.
"If you'd been there, I'd probably have ripped your balls off," Niou says.
Yagyuu looks at Niou. Niou smirks. A toilet flushes in the attached bathroom.
"Will you move in with me?" Yagyuu asks. Hot hope flares in his belly. The baby starts to squawl in that keening cry only newborns make. Yagyuu winces. Niou picks the baby up. This time, he unbuttons his shirt and his bra. He lifts his eyes to Yagyuu as the baby starts to suck.
"Fat chance, Yagyuu," Niou says.
***
They call him Hiroki.
"Can you think of anything better?" Niou asks.
Yagyuu can't.
He still can't sign his name on the register, either.
***
He crawls home at midnight. BO clings to his body. Sticky summer humidity makes his t-shirt cling to his back. Yagyuu slept at the hospital last night, and at his Grandmother's the night before.
His mother is home.
His body is exhausted. His mind is fried and there is spittle on his t-shirt. Yagyuu's scalp crawls and there are a few straggly hairs on his chin. He toes his shoes off. It is so much effort to move. He forces his limbs to work. He ate at a ramen bar at the train station. Salt sticks to his lips. When a shadow grows taller in front of him, Yagyuu wants to puke.
His mother looks at him. Her expression is hidden by the darkness. There is no one else awake except the two of them.
Yagyuu can't do this. His weight shifts. He's off-balance and sleep-deprivation makes tears form in the corners of his eyes.
Leave me alone!
The whites of his mother's eyes glow. In a low voice, she asks, "What was it?"
Yagyuu stiffens.
The air-conditioning is on full blast. It's winter in here. The ends of Yagyuu's hair lift up.
"What was it?" she asks again.
Yagyuu keeps breathing. Finally, he says, "A boy."
As he walks up the stairs to his bedroom, Yagyuu thinks that her lips curl into a smirk. When he glances back to check, she's gone.
It was nothing but an illusion.
***
There isn't anything important at school until exams in early August. Niou comes home three days after Hiroki is born. He and Yagyuu go for a walk the same evening. Niou walks without his swagger. His steps are slow and careful. Yagyuu pushes the stroller. Rain from the afternoon has left a mist over the park. Their steps crunch on the wet gravel.
At the other end of the park is a tennis court. Yagyuu doesn't mean to walk near it. The ground is soggy. The wheels of the stroller splash through puddles. Niou stomps through others. He looks over his shoulder and stops walking.
Two teenage kids play a game.
Yagyuu's hands tighten on the handle of the stroller. His heart pounds against his ribs. One boy volleys to his friend, who slugs the ball back with a straight, speedy forehand. Yagyuu holds his breath.
Niou's eyes are dark. His pupils are huge and damp, like the muggy atmosphere. "That's almost like your laser," he murmurs.
The rally on the courts makes the floodlight flicker. Yagyuu looks down at his hand. He turns it over and flexes his fingers. He can't remember the weight of his racket. He can't remember the feeling of fresh grip tape pressed to his palm.
Niou takes Yagyuu's hand. His grip is sweaty and firm. He may be a girl now, but Niou still has big hands. Yagyuu looks at him.
"Do you miss it?" Niou asks. He cocks his head to the side. He already knows the answer.
Yagyuu pushes the stroller. Of course, he thinks. Niou falls into step beside him. The insects cling to the trees. The night air clings to them. "Do you?" Yagyuu asks.
Niou shifts his eyes. He shrugs. "It's not as though we were gonna go pro like Yukimura."
There is a bench at the side of the pathway. The baby starts to squirm. Niou sits down to unbutton his shirt. With the second baby, he's not as secretive. He doesn't seem to care if Yagyuu looks. He doesn't seem to care that they are in public. Yagyuu keeps his eyes peeled. He drums his fingers on the edge of the seat. The park is empty of everything except them, and the cicadas.
"Ne, Yagyuu?"
Yagyuu turns.
Niou has a cocky half-smile. "It's not like Sanada's ever gonna be married to a doctor, though."
When Yagyuu sits on the bus going home, he touches his face. His cheeks are warm. He thinks about the sound of Niou's voice. Married.
The reflection in the window smiles back at him.
***
During the day, Yagyuu goes to the university. He leaves before three each afternoon. He takes the subway to Niou's house. Niou's mother is always home. Yagyuu's balls ache. He helps with the laundry. He reads books to Hiromi and then he offers to do dishes while Niou's mom cooks supper.
Niou watches tv and nurses. Niou reads comics and chews on his hangnails when the baby sleeps. He downloads music onto Yagyuu's cellphone, then he nurses the baby again. His eyes are pink. His hair is straggly. Niou has a twitch on the left side of his face. The tv reflects in his glazed pupils. Hiroki screams. Yagyuu drops a knife into the dishwater. Niou switches breasts.
Niou's brother comes home from school. He closes his eyes. "Neesan, please put that away."
Niou sniffs. "I'm not your sister. Aniki. Dumbass."
Yagyuu stands between them. He washes a bowl, but he can still hear Niou and his brother talking.
"Not when you do that," Niou's brother says.
"Please try to be a little more discrete, Masaharu," Niou's mom says. She flips a fish fillet over in the pan.
Niou's brother leaves. Yagyuu dries his hands and walks to the couch. There's a gameshow on tv. Niou hands Yagyuu Hiroki. Yagyuu drapes the baby over his shoulder. He pats the baby's back. Niou fixes his bra. The baby belches up spew all over the towel and Yagyuu's neck.
"At least I'm not like Yanagi," Niou says. His voice is scratchy. Yagyuu raises his eyebrows. "Marui said that he saw Yanagi whip it out in the middle of the supermarket."
"Since when are you friends with Marui-kun?" Yagyuu asks.
Niou rolls his eyes. "He said he nearly puked in the cake aisle." Niou snickers, but a yawn breaks it. He completely ignores Yagyuu's question. Hiroki belches again.
Yagyuu eats dinner with Niou's family. Niou is asleep on the couch. Yagyuu's heart catches in his throat. He leaves Niou alone. Hiromi eats beside Yagyuu. There's always a place set for them both. There's always a pair of spare chopsticks-green, his favourite colour.
The green chopsticks at Yagyuu's home have been put away in a drawer.
He's only there to sleep, anyway.
***
Yagyuu buys groceries for Niou's mom. He puts meat and tofu and milk on his credit card. The cashier frowns. Yagyuu avoids her eye.
As Yagyuu walks through the suburbs of cement-faced fences, Marui phones. The sun is a dim purple band on the horizon.
"Wanna come out tonight with me and Jackal?" he asks. "We haven't seen you in ages, dude."
Yagyuu frowns. The plastic bag is heavy in the crook of his elbow. "I can't," he says. I have responsibilities!
"Aw, come on, Hiroshi!" Marui says.
"I have exams," Yagyuu says. They aren't for another month, but Marui doesn't need to know that.
In the background, Jackal says something. Marui says Yagyuu's no fun.
"When was the last time you were out?" Marui asks. "High school, right?"
"I'm sorry," Yagyuu says. He presses end. His throat is thick. Yagyuu tries to walk faster. The rainy season has ended, but the air is so humid. Yagyuu feels like he's swimming. His body melts.
His lungs can't get enough air. His chest aches.
Marui is right.
***
Yagyuu walks to Niou's house. His t-shirt is stuck to his back in the ten minute walk from the subway station. His face is on fire. He sighs into the air conditioning when he opens the door.
It's late. His exams are coming up. More students are staying awake in lectures. Yagyuu's hand throbs from taking so many notes.
Niou's house smells like dinner. Yagyuu smiles.
No Hiromi toddles up to him.
No Niou skulks in the hallway like a zombie.
Niou's mom says, "Masaharu took the kids to your grandmother's."
The smile on Yagyuu's face is tight. "Ah, thank you," he says.
He doesn't think about anything as he walks the entire other direction, except, It's so hot.
Yagyuu can't stand up straight. His jeans stick to his legs. His skin burns. The cicadas are as loud as they were at noon. He knocks on his grandmother's door. Yagyuu sighs into the air conditioning when she opens it to let him in.
It's later than before. Hiromi toddles up to the door. He's wearing pajamas. He rubs his eyes. Yagyuu fixes the crooked glasses. "Hey buddy," he says. Yagyuu smiles.
Hiromi yawns. In the background, a baby screams. Yagyuu doesn't see Niou.
"Niou-chan said you two were going out tonight," his grandmother says.
Yagyuu has no idea what she is talking about. He picks Hiroki up. The baby screams louder. Yagyuu cringes. He bounces Hiroki on his shoulders. The baby keeps howling. Yagyuu's ears ring. He walks into the spare bedroom. "Shhhh," he says.
Hiroki screams louder than ever. He cries and cries and Yagyuu can't do anything. The baby doesn't eat solid food yet. There's no pablum or formula in his grandmother's house. Yagyuu clenches his jaw. Hiroki cries long and hard enough that he's whimpering now. Hiromi has started crying behind him.
Shut up! he thinks.
He calls Niou's cellphone. There is no answer.
Hiroki won't stop crying. Yagyuu wants to shake the baby. He wants to shake Niou.
He fishes through the baby bag. His grandmother offers to go out and buy some whiskey to quiet the baby. Yagyuu shakes his head. There's nothing in the LeSportsac bag except diapers and cheerios and foam darts. Yagyuu throws it across the floor.
Hiromi stops screaming long enough to pick up a folded piece of paper.
Be back in a bit
-Niou
It's five in the morning when Yagyuu's cellphone rings.
***
He's dancing. The strobe lights steal the breath from his lungs. There are so many people crowded around him. They girate en masse, throbbing and heaving with the beat of the music. Niou's breasts ache. They heave as he dances. His bra isn't good enough. Guys eye his chest. Niou rolls his eyes back. He lifts his arms above his head and he keeps dancing. Jackal and Marui are lost in the crowd.
Niou should feel guilty for this. The alcohol numbs his body. The alcohol makes him forget that he's got two kids at home. He's so exhausted that he doesn't care anymore. He can't remember the last time he slept. If he keeps dancing, he can forget everything shitty about his life. He has his arms above his head as he moves. Niou wiggles. Niou rolls his hips. The song changes. A guy comes up from behind. He's taller and he stares at the sweaty v of Niou's cleavage.
"Hoi hoi, can I get you a drink?" he shouts.
Niou takes a shot at the bar. He staggers. He hums the rhythm of the music. Niou bumps into Marui, whose arm touches Niou's ass. "Womanizer, womanizer…" Marui keeps singing. Niou is too drunk to understand. He stumbles into the bar again. The guy from before catches Niou's arm.
"Careful," he says. A catty smile plays on his lips.
Niou grins.
They guy has dyed hair and looks familiar. Niou can't place him. Warm hands are on Niou's hips. They dance together, near the club bathrooms. Half the people here are underage, but everyone drinks. The guy's palms run over Niou's breasts. Niou squeezes his eyes shut. His chest aches so much-he needs to feed the baby. His nipples stiffen and that cat smile presses into his neck. Niou can't remember what time it is. He can't remember himself.
They keep dancing. Niou grinds his hips into the guy's erection. He closes his eyes and thinks, Yagyuu.
Strobe lights flash over the crowd of heads. Blinding white intersects with neon rays of colour. Everything is electric and Niou's body is on fire. He moves and rubs his body against this strange guy. The guy offers to buy Niou another drink. Someone does a shot between Niou's breasts. Alcohol slides down his shirt. He gasps. His muscles are numb; the heels cut into his ankles and his vision becomes fuzzy.
He can't remember anything else.