FIC: Push/Pull, Yagyuu/Niou, NC17 (6/14)
Title: Push/Pull (6/14)
Author: Ociwen
Rating: NC17
Warning: Everything you can possibly think of, and then some. Spoilers for 40.5 and the entire series.
Disclaimer: Konomi owns all, except for Marui's crocs.
Summary: Niou is a girl, and everything pushed to the edge.
Author's Notes: This is one-shot fic related to Dénoument, We'll Always Have Kanagawa and Accidentally All Right. The fics can be read separately, but they make more sense together. Written for Niou's birthday 2008. Happy Birthday Niou!
This fic has been truncated into 14 parts due to length. The parts are NOT chapters. This is a one-shot fic.
For a week, Niou stays in bed. He doesn't come to school. Yagyuu collects Niou's homework before he goes to tennis practice. It's late May and the prefecturals are on Saturday.
Yagyuu texts Niou. Are you feeling any better? Then, he pulls his t-shirt on and leaves the change room. The schedule is posted by the water fountain. Today, Yagyuu has doubles practice.
He misses playing with Niou. Niou knew to play at the net when Yagyuu was at the baseline. Marui dances mid-court. He swings too wide. Yagyuu runs out of the way of another racket to the ribs. Marui lunges for the long volleys aimed at Yagyuu. Yagyuu bites his tongue.
Yagyuu shakes Jackal's hand at the net. Beside him, Kirihara says, "We totally creamed you, senpais."
Yagyuu wipes his glasses with a damp handkerchief. The back of his collar is sweaty. His body hums from effort and he's horny. His balls ache. Jackal's breasts are squished to his chest under the sportsbra. Yagyuu tries not to look, but he can see Jackal's nipples. Jackal walks across the court. Yagyuu's eyes follow the curve of his hip. Niou's hips have widened, but Jackal has a bigger bum.
Marui elbows Yagyuu in the side. He calls Jackal's name.
"I found out the best shit ever," Marui says.
Jackal makes a face. "I don't want to hear it."
"No, no!" Marui says. "It's the best."
"Is it about vaginas?" Jackal asks. He zips his racket holder. Kirihara runs off to Yukimura to ask for a game.
Marui holds his hand up. "I swear," he says.
Jackal raises an eyebrow.
Marui waggles his eyebrows. "I read this in Yukimura's animal book."
Jackal looks at him. Yagyuu takes a drink from his water bottle. Niou hasn't replied to his message. He frowns.
"Did you know that monogamous pairs are the basis of jackal packs?" Marui says.
Jackal looks nonplused. "I'm not a dog," he says.
Yagyuu slaps his hand to his forehead. He's not as perceptive as Niou, but he can see the sunlight gleam in Marui's eyes.
Marui pops a bubble. He tries to sling an arm around Jackal's shoulder. Marui tries to grope Jackal's chest when he says, "Naw, but sometimes you're a bi-"
Yagyuu drapes his sweat towel over his head. He walks away, but he can hear the sound of Jackal smacking Marui across the ear.
On his way home, Yagyuu buys flowers from a booth near the bus stop. He picks out a bouquet of bright tulips. The florist asks if the flowers are for someone special. Yagyuu says, "Yes, they're for my girlfriend."
He doesn't know if Niou even likes flowers.
Niou's mom answers the door. She takes the flowers to put in a ceramic vase. Yagyuu toes his shoes off. "These are for Masaharu," he says. "Is he feeling any better?"
She says she doesn't know. "He refuses to go to the doctor. It's probably just allergies."
Yagyuu thinks that the flowers weren't such a good idea.
Niou is curled up in bed. Yagyuu picks Hiromi off the floor. He takes away the Nerf dart. The baby smells. Yagyuu peels back the butt of his diaper. He makes a face. Hiromi stares at him.
Yagyuu changes his diaper. Niou doesn't come out from under the futon cover. Yagyuu folds the dirty diaper up and chucks it into the rubbish. There is a stack of rolled up pads inside.
Yagyuu closes the door. He gives Hiromi a tennis ball and sits him inside the crib. Yagyuu crouches down beside Niou. He taps Niou on the shoulder. After a moment, Niou grunts.
"I can make you feel better," Yagyuu murmurs. His dick throbs. He climbs under the sheets. Niou's skin is hot. His hair is damp. He smells a bit like BO. Yagyuu chews on Niou's earlobe. He rubs his erection on Niou's bum.
"Please let me," Yagyuu says. He groans.
Niou elbows him in the gut.
"I'm on my period," Niou says.
Yagyuu licks the inside of Niou's ear. The wax is bitter. Sweat collects in the groves of the shell. Yagyuu starts to pull his belt off. "I don't mind."
Niou says, "My pussy's dry, okay?"
Yagyuu unbuttons his pants. Niou relents, and he starts to give Yagyuu a handjob. It's not the same. The pulsing desire Yagyuu had all afternoon shrinks. His dick softens. He frowns. Niou says he's sorry.
"Will you come to the tournament on Saturday?" Yagyuu asks.
***
Even though it is only the district prefecturals, the stands are filled.
Yagyuu steps onto the court beside Marui. Their shadows stretch over the net. The players from Hanomiya shiver. Leaves in the park trees rustle. Yagyuu searches the stands, but he cannot find Niou.
He purses his lips. "Let's make this a good game," he tells Marui.
Yagyuu doesn't recognize the bitterness in his voice.
***
It takes a couple weeks for Niou's allergies to improve. Yagyuu sits in classroom 2A at lunch time. The door slides open and a girl walks in. Yagyuu looks up. Niou sits down. Yagyuu smiles.
"I think Yukimura was going down on Sanada in the washitsu," Niou says. "Sanada's a screamer."
Yagyuu says nothing. He passes Niou his lunch. "Did you write the math test this morning?" he asks.
Niou chews on the pork pun. He belches. The other girls in the classroom whisper that he's disgusting. "Polynomials are a piece of cake," Niou says.
He comes to tennis practice, too. Yagyuu asks if Niou wants to play. He has an extra racket in his bag: Niou used it when he pretended to be Yagyuu.
Niou doesn't say anything. He shifts his eyes around. Slowly, he nods.
His breasts jiggle when he smashes and Niou grunts and groans when he slugs backhanded balls to Yagyuu. Yagyuu's muscles burn. Niou moves in a perfect complement to him. Niou throws his head back. Sweat beads on his lips and his forehead. His lips part when he volleys. Yagyuu's balls burn.
Yagyuu swings back. The laser shoots over the net. Niou laughs. He catches the ball, but he fumbles the return. Niou swears.
"It's all right," Yagyuu says.
They walk home and have sex in the park. It's dusk and the sky is purple. It reflects in Niou's eyes before he squeezes them shut and comes around Yagyuu.
***
Summer is hot this year. Yagyuu melts on the tennis courts. He melts in the classroom. Niou melts in the tennis court stands. He brings the baby and folds fans and paper airplanes.
Niou flies the airplanes into Sanada's head and Marui's court.
"Tell him to leave his baby at home!" Sanada snaps.
"You offering to babysit?" Niou asks.
Sanada turns red. He looks about ready to hit Niou. Niou holds up the baby and grins. "Isn't he cute?" Hiromi's yellow hat slips down over his face.
Sanada huffs. He glares at Yagyuu. Yagyuu should feel guilty for saying nothing. He should also feel guilty when they spend the August holidays in Niou's bedroom. Niou pants. Niou moans. Yagyuu's body burns in the frigid air conditioning. His cock is on fire. His balls are about to burst. There is a frantic slapping of their bodies against each other and then-
"Ngh-aaaaah…"
Yagyuu sighs, then he rolls off Niou.
He wakes up and Niou is dressed in a pair of baggy khaki shorts. He rubs his breasts. His nipples are pink and engorged, but he's stopped breastfeeding. Yagyuu shifts over. He sucks on the side of Niou's breast. He licks the salt skin of Niou's arm pit. Niou hasn't shaved his arm pits in a while.
"My mom thinks we should have a birthday party," he says.
Yagyuu hums.
"She wants to know if your parents want to come."
***
Yagyuu doesn't ask his parents.
He tells Niou they're busy.
Niou gives Yagyuu a long look. "You don't have to lie," he says. "I know they hate me and they hate the kid."
Yagyuu feels ill.
Hiromi smiles at him. He balls his chubby fists and waves them around.
***
Yagyuu's grandmother writes from Samigahara.
When are you going to introduce me to your son, Hiroshi? I want to give him his birthday card in person.
He folds the letter up. It falls out when he pulls his pants off at Niou's house. Niou stops kissing him. He leans down to pick it up. His bare breasts distract Yagyuu. His nipples point at Yagyuu as he reads.
"Aren’t there lots of yanki in Samigahara?" Niou asks.
Yagyuu pushes his glasses back on. "No," he says. "But there are lots of mountains."
***
Yagyuu says nothing to his parents. The insects are loud, even early in the morning. He yawns. Seven people cram into the Toyota. Yagyuu holds the LeSportsac bag on his lap. Niou rummages around for cookies and juice inside. He pops in a pair of earbuds and falls asleep with his iPod.
Yagyuu is left awake with Niou's family. He stares at the strap on the bag. His mouth is dry.
I'm sorry for impregnating your son…
Yagyuu stares ahead through the windshield. It's tense and his calf is cramping. Neither of Niou's parents speaks to him. Niou's father sips coffee from a travel mug. His mother frowns in the rearview mirror. Niou's brother and sister both read novels. The baby babbles. Yagyuu plays with his sticky fingers. He tries to smile at Hiromi, but he can't.
The highway follows the train tracks. Suburbs give way to rice paddies. Rice paddies break up into hills and mountains. Yagyuu's chest is tight. He can hardly breathe when the Toyota passes the first sign listing Sagamiko.
A slimed cookie lands on his lap. Yagyuu wipes it up with his handkerchief. He wipes up Hiromi's hands and face too. The cookie leaves a beige stain on Yagyuu's shorts.
"Do I turn here?" Niou's father asks. Yagyuu looks up. He can see the bridge over the river gorge. Bile stings his mouth. His stomach is in knots. Yagyuu tries to say yes. He clears his throat. All he can do is nod.
His grandmother lives closer to the river side of town. It's out far enough from the city that the summer heat isn't as melting. Niou wakes when the Toyota pulls into the driveway. Yagyuu fumbles with Hiromi's car seat. His hands are numb. His head spins so much that Yagyuu thinks he might pass out.
"Here," Niou says. He tucks his iPod away and holds out his arms. He hoists Hiromi over his shoulder. The jut of his hip is completely natural and completely feminine. A flush slithers down Yagyuu's face. He's turned on in the worst place possible.
Yagyuu hasn't seen his grandmother since before. Niou's family looks at him. Niou looks at him. Hiromi looks at the knotted trees dripping with leaves. Yagyuu's grandmother lives on the outskirts of Sagamiko. The house is surrounded by forests filled with humming cicadas. Sweat slides down Yagyuu's temple.
His footsteps crunch on the gravel driveway.
His grandmother slides the door open. She takes up most of the width. She stares through her glasses. She looks at Niou. She looks at Niou's family. She looks at Hiromi with a long, hard look.
Then, she tells Yagyuu, "Aren't you bringing the guests inside, Hiroshi?"
Yagyuu's stomach heaves. He stumbles over the doorway. His grandmother makes tea. She serves bean paste sweets to Niou's parents. Hiromi makes grabby fists. Niou doesn't move. Yagyuu freezes.
His grandmother's wrinkles break into a wide smile. "Here you go," she says.
***
"He looks exactly like you," his grandmother says. Yagyuu sits beside her. Their legs dangle from the tatami floor into the deepening night. Sagamiko is so quiet that Yagyuu can hear the distant rush of the river. Overhead, the sky is splashed with milky, foreign stars.
Yagyuu hangs his head.
"Sit up straight!"
Yagyuu lifts his head. He apologizes. Niou's family is walking along the gorge. Hiromi is with Niou in a back room. He smelled ripe after dinner.
"Are you ashamed of him?" his grandmother asks.
Yagyuu swallows.
"Your mother is," she adds.
"I know," Yagyuu says.
"You can't change what's been done," she says. "You love your girlfriend, right?"
"Of course!"
His grandmother hums. She strokes the long hairs on her chin. "When I was your age, I saw an American soldier."
Yagyuu blinks. His glasses slide down his nose. "Obaasan?"
She nods again. "He was very handsome and we had a good time together."
Yagyuu looks at her. She picks his jaw off the ground. The tatami floor creeks behind them. Niou is there. Yagyuu can see his shadow spread out on the lawn, but Niou doesn't come any closer.
"My mother didn't approve and I wasn't strong enough to do something stupid like marry him," she says.
Yagyuu nods.
His grandmother turns around. She looks at Niou. Niou is ruffled up. His hair stands on end. He's silhouetted by the light of the kitchen and his face is unmoving. Yagyuu's grandmother touches his shoulder. Her knuckles are curled with age.
"Don't listen to your mother," she tells Yagyuu. "I never liked that woman anyway."
***
During early autumn, when the nights have cooled but the days are still hot, Niou gets sick again. He stays in bed another week. Yagyuu forges Niou's homework assignments. Niou makes perfect grades, except in math.
Hiromi starts to walk. He starts to talk. He calls Niou "Mamama". At first, Yagyuu thinks it sounds strange. Two years ago, they were friends and tennis buddies. Now, they have a son together. Niou smiles at Hiromi. He feeds the baby mashed up vegetables with a spoon. Hiromi smiles back. There is tofu smeared on his bib.
Niou's mother and sister are out at flower arranging class. His father is working late and his brother is at cram school. The night is beautiful. Niou puts a jacket and shoes on the baby. They walk to the park. The moon has just come out. It is pregnant and round. Yagyuu holds Niou's hand. In the darkness, no one notices that they are two dumb teenagers.
Except for a lone jogger there is no one else in the park. The first leaves have begun to change colour and fall to the ground. The grass is wet from intermittent rain. Niou stops pushing the stroller. Hiromi is asleep.
Yagyuu's belly is hot. His balls are heavy. He looks at Niou. Niou's lips part as he breathes.
"Niou-kun," Yagyuu murmurs. He lifts up Niou's rat tail. Niou shivers. Yagyuu's dick stiffens.
Niou pushes at Yagyuu's chest. Yagyuu's pulse quickens. He kisses Niou. He kisses Niou's neck. Yagyuu bites the soft skin. Niou tastes salty and sweet. His protests are sweeter still.
Yagyuu reaches under the hem of Niou's jacket. Niou says they're in public. Yagyuu grunts. He rubs his erection on Niou's thigh. Niou pants. "No!"
He never means it.
When Yagyuu has Niou pushed up against a tree, Niou moans. When Yagyuu touches Niou's cunt, he's wet. When Yagyuu pushes inside Niou, they sigh together. Their bodies twine. The air is cool, but Niou's thighs are feverish. Yagyuu has his face in Niou's breasts. They seep out of his bra. Anyone could see them. The park lamp posts highlight the flickering emotions on Niou's face when he cries and begs to come. Niou digs his hands into Yagyuu's back. Yagyuu shakes. He stiffens. He comes inside Niou, hard and fast and deep.
The baby is still sleeping as they fix their clothes. The hickey on Niou's neck is new. Yagyuu's limbs are limp.
"Don't you think we should start using condoms?" Niou asks.
Yagyuu stares at Niou. "I like to be inside you," he says. Niou snorts. Yagyuu tries to ignore the heat in his cheeks. He strokes the skin on the back of Niou's hand. Niou's eyelashes flutter.
"I don't want…" Yagyuu stops. He turns away. It's embarrassing. "I don't want any barriers," he mumbles.
Niou grunts.
"Can’t you take pills?" Yagyuu asks.
Niou chucks his chin up. He taps his mole. His lips are puffy. "Puri. Are you an idiot, Yagyuu? Those cause cancer. The doctor said so."
"I'll be careful," Yagyuu says.
They have sex again before they leave the park. Yagyuu pulls out and comes on Niou's leg. Niou says it’s gross. Hiromi wakes up and asks for his mamama.
***
mayb i can get my tubes tied
Can you wait a moment, Niou-kun?
ok
r u there now yagyuu??
yaaaaagyuu??
I'm back. My father says that the procedure is not performed on under-18s unless they are mentally challenged, or physically handicapped.
heh like the fatty?
Niou-kun.
rofl ur no fun.
damn.
cant u get snip snip??
yagyuu??
yaaaaaagyuu?
I'm here.
i was joking, lol
We'll be careful. Niou-kun, we haven’t had any accidents since Hiromi was born. I love you.
dont be all mushy
It's true. I do love you. Are you busy tomorrow after school?
usual shit hiromi needs to go to the doctor soon my mom sez hes not seeing very good
Will you let me lick your cunt, please?
Niou-kun?
Masaharu?
ok fine
***
Niou doesn't make a very good girl. Sanada is better. Yukimura eats out of his palm. Yanagi is graceful and doesn't complain. Jackal has curves that make his uniform skirt swish just right. He has boyfriends who respect the fact he's a Catholic and saving himself for…whatever Christians save themselves for.
Niou forgets about Valentine's Day, so he lets Yagyuu fuck him at lunch time in the third floor bathroom. He tries to give Yagyuu a blow job. He gags. Yagyuu comes on the front of Niou's uniform. Marui gives him funny looks all afternoon. "You smell weird," he says.
"Shut up," Niou says.
"You're a bitch," Marui says. He stares at Niou's tits. Niou glares at him.
Third year comes. Hiromi is old enough that he doesn't need Niou around during the day all the time. He leaves Hiromi with his mother. Yagyuu's grandmother moves from Sagamiko to a smaller house a few train stops away from Niou. Sometimes, he leaves Hiromi with her during the day.
Yagyuu is weird. When his grandmother is at the department store, he gropes Niou in her house. They have sex against a wall while Hiromi plays with tea cups on the floor. Niou squeezes his thighs around Yagyuu. He throws his head back. His body shudders. Yagyuu's grandmother could be home any minute. The thrill makes orgasm build faster and harder in his belly until it explodes. Niou gasps. Yagyuu pushes deeper inside. Sweat glues his hair to his temple. His glasses are crooked. He comes and they yank their underpants up before Yagyuu's grandmother returns with supper.
Niou likes her. She's fat and blind like Yagyuu. She cooks as good as his own mom and sometimes, she invites Niou's family for dinner too.
"When I die," she tells Niou and Yagyuu, "I want you two to have this house."
"Obaasan-" Yagyuu says.
Niou just nods. He tries his best to be like Yagyuu when he nods and says thank you. It's been years since he switched with Yagyuu. Everything is different. Daily, it's easier to be a girl. Niou almost forgets what it's like to stand up and pee. He can't remember what it is like to walk around topless and not have his breasts jiggle. The memory of his dick fades with time.
Niou looks at old pictures from junior high school. The tennis team smiles in the photograph, except for Sanada, who scowls. There is a boy in the back row with bleached hair. Niou thinks, Is that me? His face was sharper. His limbs were lankier. He was grubbier.
Inside, Niou starts to sink into this new skin. Yagyuu makes it easier. He owns Niou's body. He licks every inch of Niou, piecemeal, in the brief moments of intimacy they steal. He kisses Niou all over. He touches Niou constantly. Yagyuu holds Niou's hand. He can be a gentleman in school and hold doors open for Niou. He pushes chairs back for Niou to sit down in.
Yagyuu bites Niou's breasts. He licks Niou's thighs and he wiggles his fingers up Niou's ass (which feels weird and dirty and Niou cringes inside). He flicks Niou's nipples with his tongue. Yagyuu is getting better at this. He lasts longer. Niou doesn't have to pretend as often. When he arches his back and sobs, Niou usually means it.
He's falling into Yagyuu all over again.
It doesn't matter that Yagyuu forced him. It doesn't matter that they accidentally had a baby together. It doesn't matter that sometimes Niou has "SLUT" lipsticked to his locker door at school.
Niou thinks, I love him.
It hurts when he visits the clinic again. Niou looks at the sign and winces. His stomach cramps in anticipation.
I'm sorry, Niou thinks.
He loves Yagyuu, but he can't think of a better way.
***
They are eating lunch in the stands by the tennis courts. Sanada and Yukimura are playing, like always. Yanagi is helping Kirihara with English homework. Niou lays his head on Yagyuu's lap. He swipes pickles from Yagyuu's bento. Niou sucks the sour juice from his fingers. Yagyuu's boner pokes the back of Niou's head.
Jackal yells out Yagyuu's name.
Niou lifts his head. Jackal's face is on fire. He stomps up the stands.
"HIROSHI!" he shouts.
Yagyuu says yes.
"What did you tell Bunta?"
Yagyuu's glasses slide down his nose. Niou pokes Yagyuu in the arm. "Yeah, Hiroshi," he says. "What did you tell the fatty?"
Zigzag lines cut into Yagyuu's forehead. "I'm not sure what you mean," he says.
Jackal's nostrils flare. His yellow hair clips catch the sunlight. He taps his foot on the bench. Niou can see Jackal's panties.
Jackal closes his legs.
"Do you know what he did? On your advice, he showed up at my place last night and asked my parents in Portuguese, I quote, 'Date of me can please its son cocolicioso and to teach to it to the candy ways of my love'."
Jackal stands there.
Niou bursts out laughing.
"I don't understand," Yagyuu says. "Marui-kun asked me about courtship last week. I suggested he might ask your parents for permission."
"Well he made an ass of himself," Jackal says. "And my dad thinks he's my boyfriend now."
Marui plods up the stands. "Aren't I?" he asks. He waggles his eyebrows. Niou gags.
Jackal sits down next to Niou. "Your boyfriend's an asshole," he says. Yagyuu is right there.
Niou keeps laughing.
***
It's their last summer in high school.
Mostly, Niou sits in class and fans the back of his neck with paper planes. His bra sticks to his skin. Yagyuu peels it off in the tennis club storage shed. He skives off practice to meet Niou. The cheerleaders give Niou an honourary pom-pom. Niou draws on the tennis balls and spends more time with his back pressed to the shed wall and his legs around Yagyuu's waist. They bump and grind and Yagyuu comes. He stinks like BO. His body is slick. He spreads Niou's legs and fingers his clit until Niou pants. Niou gasps. He squeezes his knees together. His thighs slip.
At night, they watch hanabi in the park. Fireworks burst over the black harbour. Hiromi eats a stick of BBQ squid. His eyes are owlish behind his lenses. More often than not, he plays with the glasses instead of wearing them.
Yagyuu takes pictures of Niou in his yukata. Then, he sticks his hand under the cotton hem. Chrysanthemum explosions reflect in the liquid blackness as Yagyuu slides his dick between Niou's legs and fucks him behind a tree. Niou is numb with the fear of discovery and the thrill of orgasm here. His belly twists so much that the obi unwinds. He bites Yagyuu's hand when he comes.
They go to the hospital. Yagyuu needs three stitches.
"At least it wasn't your dick," Niou says.
Yagyuu doesn't disagree.
Niou hates the heat, but he wants to savour this summer. He takes Hiromi for walks in the park, just the two of them. It's a relief to his sensitized pussy without Yagyuu. Hiromi tip-toes. He chases pigeons. Niou hooks him up to a harness and leash. Hiromi trips over tree roots and screams. His glasses break twice before his second birthday.
It's the last year Yagyuu will play tennis. He plays in the Nationals, singles, against Inui from Seigaku. Niou watches in the stadium. Yagyuu has improved over the years. Inui stalled in high school. Maybe without Yanagi, it's not the same. Niou waves his pom-pom. Hiromi claps at every point.
"That wasn't Daddy's point," Niou says.
Hiromi frowns. He looks like Yagyuu when he does that. Niou's chest feels tight. His bum sticks to the plastic bucket seat.
Yagyuu's very last laser beam seals the match. Niou's eyes sting. He remembers being fourteen and switching with Yagyuu. It was the same laser that gave them away.
Niou is too far back to rush the courts when Yukimura wins the Nationals for them. Yagyuu looks up. Niou flashes him a v-sign. Yagyuu takes off his glasses. He wipes his eyes before Marui glomps him.
"Mommy, are you crying?" Hiromi asks.
Niou shakes his head. He blinks and says no. He pushes the glasses back up Hiromi's nose.
Officially, only the tennis team is invited for sushi. Niou takes Hiromi to a McDonald's across the road. He orders a teriyaki burger for himself and extra fries for the kid. Hiromi is still chewing on them when Yagyuu shows up. His cheekbones are sunburned. He's dusty from tennis and he stinks. Yagyuu checks his part in the mirrored walls. He grins at Niou. "All ready?"
They take the train all the way back home to Kanagawa. They drop Hiromi off at Yagyuu's grandmother's. She coos over him and gives him a big, chesty hug. Then, alone, he and Yagyuu take the train to MM21.
It's almost like a date. Yagyuu holds Niou's hand as they walk past World Porter's. Niou buys an icecream. He licks it and looks at Yagyuu. Yagyuu swallows. Niou knows that Yagyuu is hard. He closes his eyes and moans. The plum icecream is bitter. It melts down his chin. Niou licks his lips.
Across the street, the protean ferris wheel at Cosmoworld rotates from blue and purple. The amusement park is packed with teenagers and university students. The air is thick with the smell of curry popcorn and the sound of rushing arcade machines. Jackal makes out with Momoshiro at the gates.
Niou says hi when they walk past. Jackal ducks his head. Momoshiro's face is on fire when he shouts "Hi!" back.
He and Yagyuu check into a business hotel room for victory sex. When he sits on the bed, Niou feels like a real adult. It’s endless compared to his narrow futon. The room is endless compared to the storage shed. Yagyuu showers. Niou takes off his clothes.
The towel drops from Yagyuu's waist when the shower room door opens. His mouth hangs open. His dick moves. It's flushed dark and hard.
"Wow," he says.
"Puri," Niou says. Yagyuu pushes him to the bed. He fucks Niou first with the black mesh bra on. Niou bounces. Then he fucks Niou again. "You're so hot," Yagyuu moans. "You're so hot, Masaharu…."
The headboard bangs into the wall. Yagyuu thrusts faster. He squeezes his eyes shut and makes choking noises when he comes.
Congrats, Yagyuu, Niou thinks. Yagyuu snores on his chest, after. Niou watches him through slitted eyes. There are long scratches on Yagyuu's back. Niou's belly feels full, even though he's hungry. Yagyuu's soft dick burns his leg.
Niou reaches for the gold-plated medal Yagyuu set down. He drapes it over Yagyuu's neck. Yagyuu wakes up and asks what.
Niou's lips twitch. Yagyuu blinks. He lifts his head. The medal slides down around his neck.
Niou is wet.
"Oh," Yagyuu says.
There's only weak lamplight. Yagyuu's skin glistens. The medal gleams. Niou climbs onto Yagyuu to straddle him. He sinks down and groans. Niou touches his breasts. Yagyuu pants. Niou rubs his stomach. Yagyuu pushes up. Niou shakes. Their bodies slap. Sweat glides down Niou's forehead. He throws his head back and arches his back. Burning builds up in his cunt, hotter and sweeter until Niou throbs everywhere. His nerves are numb. A final wave releases and Niou shouts Yagyuu's name, that he loves him, that Yagyuu looks so hot, lying there blind and a champion.
Niou collapses.
Yagyuu combs Niou's hair with his fingers. Niou thinks that Yagyuu's chest feels damp. He lifts his head and Yagyuu brushes the tears from Niou's face, too.
***
Niou knows this time.
He knows right away.
***
The leaves change from green to scarlet. Niou's mom tells him he has to start potty-training. Niou tells Yagyuu he has to help.
"I can't exactly stand up and pee anymore," Niou says.
"Two year olds don't either," Yagyuu says.
Hiromi screams on the potty.
Niou tells him he can't get up unless he pees. Niou squeezes a squirt bottle. "Do you want the pee-pee squirt bottle again?" he threatens. Hiromi screams even louder. Niou wears earplugs. It takes all evening before Hiromi finally has to go so badly that he pisses in the potty.
"This isn't going to happen overnight," Yagyuu says. He yawns.
Yagyuu helps once. Then, he goes to cram school the rest of autumn. Niou buys a bag of gummies. Hiromi pees his big-boy underpants most days. Niou's mom tells Niou it's his responsibility to clean it up.
Yagyuu turns eighteen. He takes the night off from cram school to go to Royal Host with Niou. Yagyuu plays footsies with Niou's shin under the table. Hiromi smears hamburger on his shirt. He pees his pants, but Niou cheats with a diaper. Halfway through dinner, Niou stands up.
"Gotta fix my hair," he says.
Niou pukes in the toilet. He heaves again. Hair clings to the sides of his face. Vomit splashes back from the toilet water. He stays so long that Yagyuu knocks and asks if Niou is all right.
Niou says, "I had a big dump."
Yagyuu frowns. "Don't be rude." His nose twitches. Niou can smell the vomit on his breath in the train station. He pops a mint. His stomach turns again, so he spits the mint onto the tracks. It's crushed when the next train rolls up to the platform.
They go back to Niou's house. Niou sits Hiromi in the kitchen. His mom is doing dishes. She looks at him and shakes her head. "I can't watch him right now," she says.
Yagyuu nods his head.
Niou just clenches his teeth.
It's cold. Niou can see his breath in the air. The bench is hard and it creeks under his back. The slats press into his bare thighs. Yagyuu thrusts harder. Niou's teeth clack. He shivers. His cunt is on fire. Yagyuu's dick throbs inside. Niou shaved his legs and his armpits this morning, but it is too dark for Yagyuu to notice.
Out of the corner of his eye, Niou sees something flash. He turns. There's a flashlight and footsteps approaching them. His belly twists. Bile fills his mouth. Yagyuu thrusts faster. He comes and yanks his pants up.
The policeman asks why they are in a park in the dark. Niou hides his face in the shadows. Yagyuu's hair is messy, but his face is bland. Niou nods to the stroller. "We have a kid, see?" he says.
The policeman walks off. He shakes his head.
"That was too close!" Niou hisses. He walks beside Yagyuu. His cunt is still wet. His bum is numb.
"If we were married, we wouldn't have this problem anymore," Yagyuu says.
Niou stops. "What?"
***
Yagyuu talks about it often.
At lunch time in school, Yagyuu sets his chopsticks down. His curry is yellow and chunky. The smell is overwhelming. Niou squeezes his eyes closed so hard that they prick with tears. "Once you turn eighteen too," Yagyuu says, "we can get a place together."
Niou winces. "Who would watch the kid?"
Yagyuu chews on his rice. Niou bites down on his tongue. His mouth is filled with hot acid. He can't push it back down. His stomach shudders.
"My grandmother?" Yagyuu suggests.
Niou runs into the bathroom. He pukes until there is nothing left in his stomach. Niou closes his eyes. He exhales. The toilet bowl is cool and clammy. Niou flushes it. His footsteps echo like the ghost of Hanako. In the mirror above the sink, his face is just as white.
"Are you all right?" Yagyuu asks.
Niou nods. "You could buy me a milk tea," he says.
"I'll buy you all the milk tea you want when we get married," Yagyuu says.
Niou rolls his eyes. When Yagyuu is out of sight, Niou's fingertips touch the hem of his sweatervest and he sighs.
***
When Jackal breaks up with Seigaku's Momoshiro, he calls Niou.
"He turned out to be an ass," Jackal says.
"Uh huh," Niou says. He gets up from the toilet and pulls his pants up. He flushes. Jackal says something else. Niou nods.
"He just wanted to have sex," Jackal says. "I feel so…used."
"Puri," Niou says.
"Exactly," Jackal says. "At least Hiyoshi respected my feelings."
Niou rolls his eyes. He grabs the cup ramen he left in the kitchen. Behind his, his mother asks if he washed his hands.
Niou asks Jackal, "Why are you calling me? I don't care about feelings and shit."
"Er…" Jackal pauses. "It's what girls do."
***
Niou pads into the bathroom. Hiromi sits on top of a bucket. He's just as naked as Niou. Niou turns around in the mirror. He looks at the reflected body. It looks like a girl's, not his. His nipples look darker than they should. Niou runs a hand over his stomach. He doesn't feel anything.
Hiromi asks what he's doing.
Niou blows a raspberry. "Mommy has gas," he says.
Hiromi's forehead scrunches up. Without his glasses, his eyes look small.
Niou turns the shower on. The water isn’t warm enough. He waits for the spray to heat up. "Come on," he tells Hiromi, "let's clean the pee-pee off you and have a bath."
Under his futon, in the darkness, Niou holds Hiromi to his chest. He smells soapy and clean. His breathing is even and his face is too. Niou rests his chin on the top of Hiromi's head. Damp hairs cling to Niou's face.
"Do you want a baby brother or sister?" he whispers.
Hiromi sighs in his sleep. His fingers curl around Niou's, but he doesn't answer.
***
With each passing week, Niou sees less and less of Yagyuu.
Yagyuu has prefect meetings at lunch time. Niou eats with Jackal and Marui instead. Sometimes, he eats with Yukimura when Yukimura isn't on the tennis courts practicing, or on the rooftop making out with Sanada.
Because Yagyuu has cram school, he doesn't come to visit Niou in the evenings. Niou wipes up the kitchen chairs with a rag. His mother suggests bleach. Niou gags at the thought.
It's hard to masturbate with a sleeping toddler in his futon. Niou wiggles a hand down his pants. He slips his fingers between his legs. His cunt is hot and wet and tight. His clit aches. Niou starts to rub it with his fingers. Hiromi asks what he's doing.
Niou stares at the ceiling. "Go to sleep," he says.
He's really, really horny and Yagyuu isn't around. Niou purses his lips. He tries to sleep. On top of his desk, his cellphone crawls through liquid numbers. At half-past three, Niou crawls into the bathroom. He turns on the fan and masturbates until he's straining and shuddering on the toilet seat. He throws his arm over his mouth and sobs Yagyuu's name.
The toilet flushes everything away.
Almost.
***
Niou knows Yagyuu too well for Yagyuu's own good. On his birthday, he wears the mesh black bra and panty set under his school uniform. The underpants cut into his thighs. The waistband rolls down under Niou's skirt. Niou picks at it when he walks to school.
Yagyuu meets him at the gate with a bouquet of flowers.
"What am I supposed to do with those?" Niou asks. The roses make him sneeze.
Yagyuu has a tight smile. "Whatever you like," he says.
Niou stuffs them into his locker. He picks his underpants and pulls at his skirt. Yagyuu's eyes are glued to Niou's thighs.
"I hope you're wearing some sexy underpants," Niou says.
Yagyuu repeats what Niou says. He blinks and looks confused. Marui and Kirihara walk past them.
"It's my birthday, after all," Niou says. "I'd like to peel a manthong off you-"
Yagyuu clamps a hand over Niou's mouth. Marui gives Yagyuu a weird look. Kirihara just slinks away. Niou licks Yagyuu's palm until Yagyuu yanks his hand away.
In class, Marui leans over. He smells like apple gum. Niou's stomach turns. "So how come on your birthday, you get sex, but on Jackal's birthday, I don't?"
Niou runs out of the classroom. He pukes in the toilet. A faucet drips. The tiles are frigid in winter. Niou cranks a window open, but the acrid smell of vomit hangs in the air.
At lunch time, Yagyuu gives Niou a bag of strawberry chocolates.
Niou pops them into his mouth, two at a time. He hands another chocolate to Yagyuu. "Peel this for me," he says.
Yagyuu sighs. "Isn't that being a little lazy?"
Shouldn't I deserve it? Niou thinks. He says nothing. His insides move around. He's not so certain it's nausea.
"Aren't these chocolates from the supermarket?" Niou asks.
Yagyuu pockets the plastic wrappers. He pushes his glasses up. "I couldn't afford anything else," he says. His cheeks look pink. Niou warms them with his mouth. They are in the middle of the empty soccer field behind the high school. The grass is dying and the trees are bare. Niou chews on the chocolate. He hugs his knees. They are cold where his socks don't reach.
The bell rings for classes.
"I have to go," Yagyuu says.
Niou chews on the chocolates all afternoon.
***
They go for yakiniku buffet. Niou hasn't been in ages. His mom and sister agree to watch Hiromi. "Don't be out too late," Niou's mom tells him.
Yagyuu gives Niou a little box. The beef burns on the grill. Amber flames lick the sides. Niou looks at Yagyuu. "I don't want this," he says.
Yagyuu looks like he's going to cry. His Adam's Apple bobs. His mouth hangs open and his glasses slide down. "But…"
Niou can't look at him. His stomach aches. His chest aches, too. "Rings are so girly," he mutters.
"It's blue…" Yagyuu's voice cracks before he composes himself again. "Don't you want to get married to me?" The beef starts to smoke. Niou lifts his head.
He breathes through his nose. His heart thumps. He could tell Yagyuu now, but he's ruined Yagyuu's moment already. Niou looks around. Yagyuu planned the yakiniku and he planned the ring. It glitters in the light.
Niou holds out his hand.
***
They do in Yagyuu's grandma's house. There's no other place.
"She's in the hospital with pneumonia," Yagyuu says. He has a spare set of keys. They creep into the house. Niou can see his breath. The heating hasn't been turned on in a while.
"What a grandson you are," Niou mumbles.
Yagyuu frowns, but he says nothing. He gets a space heater from the closet. It's not very romantic. Niou picks at the meat stuck between his molars. He sits on the couch.
"Don't laugh," Yagyuu says.
Niou cocks his head. "Why would I?"
Yagyuu sighs. He takes his glasses off and folds the frames. Then, Yagyuu fiddles with his cellphone. It starts to play.
"Stripper music?" Niou asks. He starts to laugh.
"Shut up," Yagyuu says. He loosens his tie. Yagyuu swivels his hips. Niou snickers. Yagyuu peels off his shirt. He throws it at Niou's head and winks. Niou laughs harder. Yagyuu's full body wave reflects in the window as he shimmies out of his pants.
Niou's jaw drops.
Yagyuu dances around backwards. His ass cheeks hang out.
The neighbours bang on the door.
Yagyuu says, "Eep!" Niou runs. Yagyuu grabs his clothes and then he runs, too. The neighbours keep shouting and asking if there's someone in there, they'll call the cops, you'd better not steal anything from dear old Yagyuu-san's house!
Niou bolts through the back door. He runs to the local park before he stops. Yagyuu follows him. He clutches his clothes to his chest. His socks are still pulled up to his knees.
Niou tosses Yagyuu the cellphone. The stripper song has stopped.
"I don't even know what to say," Niou says.
Yagyuu looks up from pulling his pants up. His face twitches. Niou's lips quirk. At the same time, they both burst out laughing. Niou laughs until his sides hurt. Yagyuu laughs until he snorts, then he laughs harder than before. Tears stream down his face.
Niou stops. He looks at Yagyuu, then he kisses Yagyuu hard on the mouth. He grabs Yagyuu's bare butt cheek and says, "Do it hard."
***
Over the Christmas holidays, Kirihara invites everyone to his grandmother's. They take the train to Saitama. Niou sits beside Marui. He snacks on Marui's doughnuts. Yukimura draws pervy pictures of Sanada across the aisle when Sanada tries to nap. Kirihara reads picturebooks to Natsuko. Hiromi sits with them.
Free babysitting, Niou thinks. He smirks to himself. Yagyuu asks what. Marui shouts that Niou is eating all his snacks.
The ground is covered in a thin layer of frost. Kirihara's grandma picks them up from the train station in an old Chevy pickup. Niou gets to sit inside the cab with Yanagi and the kids. He presses his face to the window. Everyone else sits in the back of the truck. Only Marui seems to enjoy the ride.
Kirihara's grandma lives in the middle of nowhere. It's peaceful and the air smells crispy. They roast sweet potatoes in bonfires. Leaves crackle and hiss as they burn. Niou pokes at the foil-wrapped snacks with sticks. Yagyuu keeps Hiromi on his leash away from the fire.
There's an old bath house outside. Kirihara and Yanagi sweep it out. Niou checks it out after them. There are still cobwebs in the corners. He snorts.
Niou hasn't been around Yagyuu this much since summer. At dinner, Yagyuu touches Niou's knee under the table. After dinner, Yagyuu stares at Niou. The back of Niou's neck tingles when he walks upstairs to go to the bathroom.
Yagyuu follows him.
There's hardly any room in the tiny toilet room. Yagyuu has Niou pressed against the wall and his shirt open before Niou has closed the door. Yagyuu fingers Niou's clit hard enough to make Niou hiss. He sets a foot on the toilet seat and squirms. Yagyuu bites his neck. Yagyuu kisses him hard on the mouth and harder still on his breasts, his thighs and his stomach. Niou grabs Yagyuu's hard. He shakes and comes. Yagyuu fucks him slowly. His eyes never leave Niou.
Jackal knocks on the door. Yagyuu presses a palm to the wall beside Niou. Niou tries to catch his breath.
"Do you want to come and use the bath?" Jackal asks.
Niou says okay.
***
Sanada and Yukimura are having sex in the bath house. Niou can hear Sanada's shouting. He can hear the water splashing too.
"Maybe we should wait," Jackal says.
"Maybe we should make them run us some new water," Niou says.
***
On the nights that Sanada isn't crawling out of bed to go screw Yukimura (when they think no one will know), it's almost like a sleepover.
"Girls only," Jackal tells Marui. "You can't sleep in our room."
Marui's face sinks.
Sanada finds a bag of shrimp chips in the kitchen. Yanagi has a portable DVD player. Niou has a bottle of whiskey from Familymart. Jackal suggests they do makeovers.
"This is foolish!" Sanada says.
"Party pooper," Niou says. He takes a shot of the whiskey. It burns his stomach. Niou takes a second swig. It tastes just as bad.
"Let's play truth or dare," Jackal says.
"Tarundoru!" Sanada says.
Niou passes him the whiskey. Sanada looks horrified. Yanagi says no when Niou offers it to him.
"That's what girls do?" Sanada asks.
Jackal nods. "I should know. I used to be a lesbian."
Through the crack at the bottom of the door, Marui says, "Please play!" Jackal slides the door open. He shakes his head and slides the door closed again. Niou opens the door, pokes Marui in the eyes, and slides the door shut.
Nobody knows how to play, so they make it up.
"Let's do truth first," Niou says. He waggles his eyebrows. Jackal looks pale and clammy. Sanada is already blushing. Yanagi picks at his fingers. He blinks.
"I only slept with Akaya because I was curious," Yanagi says.
"Yukimura and I did it twice in the clubhouse," Sanada says.
"Yagyuu likes manthongs," Niou says. There are a hundred other things he doesn't say.
Jackal winces. "Um…" He sits on his hands and rocks back. "All I had is that when Bunta made me cookies last week I thought about giving him a kiss for thanks."
Jackal keeps wincing. "It's lame, isn't it?"
On the next round, Jackal picks dare.
Niou says, "Go flash the guys' room."
"I hate you," Jackal says. He comes back three minutes later. Down the corridor, Marui is still whooping. Jackal is red in the face. He fixes his bra and sits down.
Niou gulps the whiskey. He looks at Jackal and says, "Hit me with your best."
***
It's New Year's Eve. Hiromi hasn't peed his pants all day. The sky is velvety in the pre-dawn. The constellations are endless. Yagyuu's glasses glow with starlight. Niou gives him the baby. "It's your turn to carry him," he says. Niou cracks his back. Yagyuu cringes.
They walk in the middle of everyone. Sanada and Yukimura are way behind at the bottom of the mountain. Jackal and Marui and Kirihara and Yanagi are near the top. Niou can barely see. It's darkest before dawn. The trees are black and skeletal and the forest path is bumpy with roots. The bear bell in Yagyuu's pocket jingles.
Niou yawns. His stomach growls. He hasn't eaten since they left the house a couple hours ago. His sneakers crunch the dead leaves. Frozen dew clings to everything. Niou huddles under his scarf.
At the top of the mountain, Niou snacks on a package of cookies. They wait for Sanada and Yukimura to finish making kissy-faces at each other. Yanagi turns on his camera flash. He snaps photos of Natsuko. Niou thinks, She's sleeping, what's the big deal?
Grey light breaks on the horizon. It peaks between the pine-covered mountains, then the first bells of the year start to peel at the local shrine.
Yukimura kisses Sanada hard. Jackal tells Marui to have a Happy New Year. Marui says, "Won't you be my New Year's belle, Jackal?"
Niou looks at Yagyuu. Yagyuu leans close to him, but Niou pushes his lips away with his mitten. "I'm pregnant again."
Author: Ociwen
Rating: NC17
Warning: Everything you can possibly think of, and then some. Spoilers for 40.5 and the entire series.
Disclaimer: Konomi owns all, except for Marui's crocs.
Summary: Niou is a girl, and everything pushed to the edge.
Author's Notes: This is one-shot fic related to Dénoument, We'll Always Have Kanagawa and Accidentally All Right. The fics can be read separately, but they make more sense together. Written for Niou's birthday 2008. Happy Birthday Niou!
This fic has been truncated into 14 parts due to length. The parts are NOT chapters. This is a one-shot fic.
For a week, Niou stays in bed. He doesn't come to school. Yagyuu collects Niou's homework before he goes to tennis practice. It's late May and the prefecturals are on Saturday.
Yagyuu texts Niou. Are you feeling any better? Then, he pulls his t-shirt on and leaves the change room. The schedule is posted by the water fountain. Today, Yagyuu has doubles practice.
He misses playing with Niou. Niou knew to play at the net when Yagyuu was at the baseline. Marui dances mid-court. He swings too wide. Yagyuu runs out of the way of another racket to the ribs. Marui lunges for the long volleys aimed at Yagyuu. Yagyuu bites his tongue.
Yagyuu shakes Jackal's hand at the net. Beside him, Kirihara says, "We totally creamed you, senpais."
Yagyuu wipes his glasses with a damp handkerchief. The back of his collar is sweaty. His body hums from effort and he's horny. His balls ache. Jackal's breasts are squished to his chest under the sportsbra. Yagyuu tries not to look, but he can see Jackal's nipples. Jackal walks across the court. Yagyuu's eyes follow the curve of his hip. Niou's hips have widened, but Jackal has a bigger bum.
Marui elbows Yagyuu in the side. He calls Jackal's name.
"I found out the best shit ever," Marui says.
Jackal makes a face. "I don't want to hear it."
"No, no!" Marui says. "It's the best."
"Is it about vaginas?" Jackal asks. He zips his racket holder. Kirihara runs off to Yukimura to ask for a game.
Marui holds his hand up. "I swear," he says.
Jackal raises an eyebrow.
Marui waggles his eyebrows. "I read this in Yukimura's animal book."
Jackal looks at him. Yagyuu takes a drink from his water bottle. Niou hasn't replied to his message. He frowns.
"Did you know that monogamous pairs are the basis of jackal packs?" Marui says.
Jackal looks nonplused. "I'm not a dog," he says.
Yagyuu slaps his hand to his forehead. He's not as perceptive as Niou, but he can see the sunlight gleam in Marui's eyes.
Marui pops a bubble. He tries to sling an arm around Jackal's shoulder. Marui tries to grope Jackal's chest when he says, "Naw, but sometimes you're a bi-"
Yagyuu drapes his sweat towel over his head. He walks away, but he can hear the sound of Jackal smacking Marui across the ear.
On his way home, Yagyuu buys flowers from a booth near the bus stop. He picks out a bouquet of bright tulips. The florist asks if the flowers are for someone special. Yagyuu says, "Yes, they're for my girlfriend."
He doesn't know if Niou even likes flowers.
Niou's mom answers the door. She takes the flowers to put in a ceramic vase. Yagyuu toes his shoes off. "These are for Masaharu," he says. "Is he feeling any better?"
She says she doesn't know. "He refuses to go to the doctor. It's probably just allergies."
Yagyuu thinks that the flowers weren't such a good idea.
Niou is curled up in bed. Yagyuu picks Hiromi off the floor. He takes away the Nerf dart. The baby smells. Yagyuu peels back the butt of his diaper. He makes a face. Hiromi stares at him.
Yagyuu changes his diaper. Niou doesn't come out from under the futon cover. Yagyuu folds the dirty diaper up and chucks it into the rubbish. There is a stack of rolled up pads inside.
Yagyuu closes the door. He gives Hiromi a tennis ball and sits him inside the crib. Yagyuu crouches down beside Niou. He taps Niou on the shoulder. After a moment, Niou grunts.
"I can make you feel better," Yagyuu murmurs. His dick throbs. He climbs under the sheets. Niou's skin is hot. His hair is damp. He smells a bit like BO. Yagyuu chews on Niou's earlobe. He rubs his erection on Niou's bum.
"Please let me," Yagyuu says. He groans.
Niou elbows him in the gut.
"I'm on my period," Niou says.
Yagyuu licks the inside of Niou's ear. The wax is bitter. Sweat collects in the groves of the shell. Yagyuu starts to pull his belt off. "I don't mind."
Niou says, "My pussy's dry, okay?"
Yagyuu unbuttons his pants. Niou relents, and he starts to give Yagyuu a handjob. It's not the same. The pulsing desire Yagyuu had all afternoon shrinks. His dick softens. He frowns. Niou says he's sorry.
"Will you come to the tournament on Saturday?" Yagyuu asks.
***
Even though it is only the district prefecturals, the stands are filled.
Yagyuu steps onto the court beside Marui. Their shadows stretch over the net. The players from Hanomiya shiver. Leaves in the park trees rustle. Yagyuu searches the stands, but he cannot find Niou.
He purses his lips. "Let's make this a good game," he tells Marui.
Yagyuu doesn't recognize the bitterness in his voice.
***
It takes a couple weeks for Niou's allergies to improve. Yagyuu sits in classroom 2A at lunch time. The door slides open and a girl walks in. Yagyuu looks up. Niou sits down. Yagyuu smiles.
"I think Yukimura was going down on Sanada in the washitsu," Niou says. "Sanada's a screamer."
Yagyuu says nothing. He passes Niou his lunch. "Did you write the math test this morning?" he asks.
Niou chews on the pork pun. He belches. The other girls in the classroom whisper that he's disgusting. "Polynomials are a piece of cake," Niou says.
He comes to tennis practice, too. Yagyuu asks if Niou wants to play. He has an extra racket in his bag: Niou used it when he pretended to be Yagyuu.
Niou doesn't say anything. He shifts his eyes around. Slowly, he nods.
His breasts jiggle when he smashes and Niou grunts and groans when he slugs backhanded balls to Yagyuu. Yagyuu's muscles burn. Niou moves in a perfect complement to him. Niou throws his head back. Sweat beads on his lips and his forehead. His lips part when he volleys. Yagyuu's balls burn.
Yagyuu swings back. The laser shoots over the net. Niou laughs. He catches the ball, but he fumbles the return. Niou swears.
"It's all right," Yagyuu says.
They walk home and have sex in the park. It's dusk and the sky is purple. It reflects in Niou's eyes before he squeezes them shut and comes around Yagyuu.
***
Summer is hot this year. Yagyuu melts on the tennis courts. He melts in the classroom. Niou melts in the tennis court stands. He brings the baby and folds fans and paper airplanes.
Niou flies the airplanes into Sanada's head and Marui's court.
"Tell him to leave his baby at home!" Sanada snaps.
"You offering to babysit?" Niou asks.
Sanada turns red. He looks about ready to hit Niou. Niou holds up the baby and grins. "Isn't he cute?" Hiromi's yellow hat slips down over his face.
Sanada huffs. He glares at Yagyuu. Yagyuu should feel guilty for saying nothing. He should also feel guilty when they spend the August holidays in Niou's bedroom. Niou pants. Niou moans. Yagyuu's body burns in the frigid air conditioning. His cock is on fire. His balls are about to burst. There is a frantic slapping of their bodies against each other and then-
"Ngh-aaaaah…"
Yagyuu sighs, then he rolls off Niou.
He wakes up and Niou is dressed in a pair of baggy khaki shorts. He rubs his breasts. His nipples are pink and engorged, but he's stopped breastfeeding. Yagyuu shifts over. He sucks on the side of Niou's breast. He licks the salt skin of Niou's arm pit. Niou hasn't shaved his arm pits in a while.
"My mom thinks we should have a birthday party," he says.
Yagyuu hums.
"She wants to know if your parents want to come."
***
Yagyuu doesn't ask his parents.
He tells Niou they're busy.
Niou gives Yagyuu a long look. "You don't have to lie," he says. "I know they hate me and they hate the kid."
Yagyuu feels ill.
Hiromi smiles at him. He balls his chubby fists and waves them around.
***
Yagyuu's grandmother writes from Samigahara.
When are you going to introduce me to your son, Hiroshi? I want to give him his birthday card in person.
He folds the letter up. It falls out when he pulls his pants off at Niou's house. Niou stops kissing him. He leans down to pick it up. His bare breasts distract Yagyuu. His nipples point at Yagyuu as he reads.
"Aren’t there lots of yanki in Samigahara?" Niou asks.
Yagyuu pushes his glasses back on. "No," he says. "But there are lots of mountains."
***
Yagyuu says nothing to his parents. The insects are loud, even early in the morning. He yawns. Seven people cram into the Toyota. Yagyuu holds the LeSportsac bag on his lap. Niou rummages around for cookies and juice inside. He pops in a pair of earbuds and falls asleep with his iPod.
Yagyuu is left awake with Niou's family. He stares at the strap on the bag. His mouth is dry.
I'm sorry for impregnating your son…
Yagyuu stares ahead through the windshield. It's tense and his calf is cramping. Neither of Niou's parents speaks to him. Niou's father sips coffee from a travel mug. His mother frowns in the rearview mirror. Niou's brother and sister both read novels. The baby babbles. Yagyuu plays with his sticky fingers. He tries to smile at Hiromi, but he can't.
The highway follows the train tracks. Suburbs give way to rice paddies. Rice paddies break up into hills and mountains. Yagyuu's chest is tight. He can hardly breathe when the Toyota passes the first sign listing Sagamiko.
A slimed cookie lands on his lap. Yagyuu wipes it up with his handkerchief. He wipes up Hiromi's hands and face too. The cookie leaves a beige stain on Yagyuu's shorts.
"Do I turn here?" Niou's father asks. Yagyuu looks up. He can see the bridge over the river gorge. Bile stings his mouth. His stomach is in knots. Yagyuu tries to say yes. He clears his throat. All he can do is nod.
His grandmother lives closer to the river side of town. It's out far enough from the city that the summer heat isn't as melting. Niou wakes when the Toyota pulls into the driveway. Yagyuu fumbles with Hiromi's car seat. His hands are numb. His head spins so much that Yagyuu thinks he might pass out.
"Here," Niou says. He tucks his iPod away and holds out his arms. He hoists Hiromi over his shoulder. The jut of his hip is completely natural and completely feminine. A flush slithers down Yagyuu's face. He's turned on in the worst place possible.
Yagyuu hasn't seen his grandmother since before. Niou's family looks at him. Niou looks at him. Hiromi looks at the knotted trees dripping with leaves. Yagyuu's grandmother lives on the outskirts of Sagamiko. The house is surrounded by forests filled with humming cicadas. Sweat slides down Yagyuu's temple.
His footsteps crunch on the gravel driveway.
His grandmother slides the door open. She takes up most of the width. She stares through her glasses. She looks at Niou. She looks at Niou's family. She looks at Hiromi with a long, hard look.
Then, she tells Yagyuu, "Aren't you bringing the guests inside, Hiroshi?"
Yagyuu's stomach heaves. He stumbles over the doorway. His grandmother makes tea. She serves bean paste sweets to Niou's parents. Hiromi makes grabby fists. Niou doesn't move. Yagyuu freezes.
His grandmother's wrinkles break into a wide smile. "Here you go," she says.
***
"He looks exactly like you," his grandmother says. Yagyuu sits beside her. Their legs dangle from the tatami floor into the deepening night. Sagamiko is so quiet that Yagyuu can hear the distant rush of the river. Overhead, the sky is splashed with milky, foreign stars.
Yagyuu hangs his head.
"Sit up straight!"
Yagyuu lifts his head. He apologizes. Niou's family is walking along the gorge. Hiromi is with Niou in a back room. He smelled ripe after dinner.
"Are you ashamed of him?" his grandmother asks.
Yagyuu swallows.
"Your mother is," she adds.
"I know," Yagyuu says.
"You can't change what's been done," she says. "You love your girlfriend, right?"
"Of course!"
His grandmother hums. She strokes the long hairs on her chin. "When I was your age, I saw an American soldier."
Yagyuu blinks. His glasses slide down his nose. "Obaasan?"
She nods again. "He was very handsome and we had a good time together."
Yagyuu looks at her. She picks his jaw off the ground. The tatami floor creeks behind them. Niou is there. Yagyuu can see his shadow spread out on the lawn, but Niou doesn't come any closer.
"My mother didn't approve and I wasn't strong enough to do something stupid like marry him," she says.
Yagyuu nods.
His grandmother turns around. She looks at Niou. Niou is ruffled up. His hair stands on end. He's silhouetted by the light of the kitchen and his face is unmoving. Yagyuu's grandmother touches his shoulder. Her knuckles are curled with age.
"Don't listen to your mother," she tells Yagyuu. "I never liked that woman anyway."
***
During early autumn, when the nights have cooled but the days are still hot, Niou gets sick again. He stays in bed another week. Yagyuu forges Niou's homework assignments. Niou makes perfect grades, except in math.
Hiromi starts to walk. He starts to talk. He calls Niou "Mamama". At first, Yagyuu thinks it sounds strange. Two years ago, they were friends and tennis buddies. Now, they have a son together. Niou smiles at Hiromi. He feeds the baby mashed up vegetables with a spoon. Hiromi smiles back. There is tofu smeared on his bib.
Niou's mother and sister are out at flower arranging class. His father is working late and his brother is at cram school. The night is beautiful. Niou puts a jacket and shoes on the baby. They walk to the park. The moon has just come out. It is pregnant and round. Yagyuu holds Niou's hand. In the darkness, no one notices that they are two dumb teenagers.
Except for a lone jogger there is no one else in the park. The first leaves have begun to change colour and fall to the ground. The grass is wet from intermittent rain. Niou stops pushing the stroller. Hiromi is asleep.
Yagyuu's belly is hot. His balls are heavy. He looks at Niou. Niou's lips part as he breathes.
"Niou-kun," Yagyuu murmurs. He lifts up Niou's rat tail. Niou shivers. Yagyuu's dick stiffens.
Niou pushes at Yagyuu's chest. Yagyuu's pulse quickens. He kisses Niou. He kisses Niou's neck. Yagyuu bites the soft skin. Niou tastes salty and sweet. His protests are sweeter still.
Yagyuu reaches under the hem of Niou's jacket. Niou says they're in public. Yagyuu grunts. He rubs his erection on Niou's thigh. Niou pants. "No!"
He never means it.
When Yagyuu has Niou pushed up against a tree, Niou moans. When Yagyuu touches Niou's cunt, he's wet. When Yagyuu pushes inside Niou, they sigh together. Their bodies twine. The air is cool, but Niou's thighs are feverish. Yagyuu has his face in Niou's breasts. They seep out of his bra. Anyone could see them. The park lamp posts highlight the flickering emotions on Niou's face when he cries and begs to come. Niou digs his hands into Yagyuu's back. Yagyuu shakes. He stiffens. He comes inside Niou, hard and fast and deep.
The baby is still sleeping as they fix their clothes. The hickey on Niou's neck is new. Yagyuu's limbs are limp.
"Don't you think we should start using condoms?" Niou asks.
Yagyuu stares at Niou. "I like to be inside you," he says. Niou snorts. Yagyuu tries to ignore the heat in his cheeks. He strokes the skin on the back of Niou's hand. Niou's eyelashes flutter.
"I don't want…" Yagyuu stops. He turns away. It's embarrassing. "I don't want any barriers," he mumbles.
Niou grunts.
"Can’t you take pills?" Yagyuu asks.
Niou chucks his chin up. He taps his mole. His lips are puffy. "Puri. Are you an idiot, Yagyuu? Those cause cancer. The doctor said so."
"I'll be careful," Yagyuu says.
They have sex again before they leave the park. Yagyuu pulls out and comes on Niou's leg. Niou says it’s gross. Hiromi wakes up and asks for his mamama.
***
mayb i can get my tubes tied
Can you wait a moment, Niou-kun?
ok
r u there now yagyuu??
yaaaaagyuu??
I'm back. My father says that the procedure is not performed on under-18s unless they are mentally challenged, or physically handicapped.
heh like the fatty?
Niou-kun.
rofl ur no fun.
damn.
cant u get snip snip??
yagyuu??
yaaaaaagyuu?
I'm here.
i was joking, lol
We'll be careful. Niou-kun, we haven’t had any accidents since Hiromi was born. I love you.
dont be all mushy
It's true. I do love you. Are you busy tomorrow after school?
usual shit hiromi needs to go to the doctor soon my mom sez hes not seeing very good
Will you let me lick your cunt, please?
Niou-kun?
Masaharu?
ok fine
***
Niou doesn't make a very good girl. Sanada is better. Yukimura eats out of his palm. Yanagi is graceful and doesn't complain. Jackal has curves that make his uniform skirt swish just right. He has boyfriends who respect the fact he's a Catholic and saving himself for…whatever Christians save themselves for.
Niou forgets about Valentine's Day, so he lets Yagyuu fuck him at lunch time in the third floor bathroom. He tries to give Yagyuu a blow job. He gags. Yagyuu comes on the front of Niou's uniform. Marui gives him funny looks all afternoon. "You smell weird," he says.
"Shut up," Niou says.
"You're a bitch," Marui says. He stares at Niou's tits. Niou glares at him.
Third year comes. Hiromi is old enough that he doesn't need Niou around during the day all the time. He leaves Hiromi with his mother. Yagyuu's grandmother moves from Sagamiko to a smaller house a few train stops away from Niou. Sometimes, he leaves Hiromi with her during the day.
Yagyuu is weird. When his grandmother is at the department store, he gropes Niou in her house. They have sex against a wall while Hiromi plays with tea cups on the floor. Niou squeezes his thighs around Yagyuu. He throws his head back. His body shudders. Yagyuu's grandmother could be home any minute. The thrill makes orgasm build faster and harder in his belly until it explodes. Niou gasps. Yagyuu pushes deeper inside. Sweat glues his hair to his temple. His glasses are crooked. He comes and they yank their underpants up before Yagyuu's grandmother returns with supper.
Niou likes her. She's fat and blind like Yagyuu. She cooks as good as his own mom and sometimes, she invites Niou's family for dinner too.
"When I die," she tells Niou and Yagyuu, "I want you two to have this house."
"Obaasan-" Yagyuu says.
Niou just nods. He tries his best to be like Yagyuu when he nods and says thank you. It's been years since he switched with Yagyuu. Everything is different. Daily, it's easier to be a girl. Niou almost forgets what it's like to stand up and pee. He can't remember what it is like to walk around topless and not have his breasts jiggle. The memory of his dick fades with time.
Niou looks at old pictures from junior high school. The tennis team smiles in the photograph, except for Sanada, who scowls. There is a boy in the back row with bleached hair. Niou thinks, Is that me? His face was sharper. His limbs were lankier. He was grubbier.
Inside, Niou starts to sink into this new skin. Yagyuu makes it easier. He owns Niou's body. He licks every inch of Niou, piecemeal, in the brief moments of intimacy they steal. He kisses Niou all over. He touches Niou constantly. Yagyuu holds Niou's hand. He can be a gentleman in school and hold doors open for Niou. He pushes chairs back for Niou to sit down in.
Yagyuu bites Niou's breasts. He licks Niou's thighs and he wiggles his fingers up Niou's ass (which feels weird and dirty and Niou cringes inside). He flicks Niou's nipples with his tongue. Yagyuu is getting better at this. He lasts longer. Niou doesn't have to pretend as often. When he arches his back and sobs, Niou usually means it.
He's falling into Yagyuu all over again.
It doesn't matter that Yagyuu forced him. It doesn't matter that they accidentally had a baby together. It doesn't matter that sometimes Niou has "SLUT" lipsticked to his locker door at school.
Niou thinks, I love him.
It hurts when he visits the clinic again. Niou looks at the sign and winces. His stomach cramps in anticipation.
I'm sorry, Niou thinks.
He loves Yagyuu, but he can't think of a better way.
***
They are eating lunch in the stands by the tennis courts. Sanada and Yukimura are playing, like always. Yanagi is helping Kirihara with English homework. Niou lays his head on Yagyuu's lap. He swipes pickles from Yagyuu's bento. Niou sucks the sour juice from his fingers. Yagyuu's boner pokes the back of Niou's head.
Jackal yells out Yagyuu's name.
Niou lifts his head. Jackal's face is on fire. He stomps up the stands.
"HIROSHI!" he shouts.
Yagyuu says yes.
"What did you tell Bunta?"
Yagyuu's glasses slide down his nose. Niou pokes Yagyuu in the arm. "Yeah, Hiroshi," he says. "What did you tell the fatty?"
Zigzag lines cut into Yagyuu's forehead. "I'm not sure what you mean," he says.
Jackal's nostrils flare. His yellow hair clips catch the sunlight. He taps his foot on the bench. Niou can see Jackal's panties.
Jackal closes his legs.
"Do you know what he did? On your advice, he showed up at my place last night and asked my parents in Portuguese, I quote, 'Date of me can please its son cocolicioso and to teach to it to the candy ways of my love'."
Jackal stands there.
Niou bursts out laughing.
"I don't understand," Yagyuu says. "Marui-kun asked me about courtship last week. I suggested he might ask your parents for permission."
"Well he made an ass of himself," Jackal says. "And my dad thinks he's my boyfriend now."
Marui plods up the stands. "Aren't I?" he asks. He waggles his eyebrows. Niou gags.
Jackal sits down next to Niou. "Your boyfriend's an asshole," he says. Yagyuu is right there.
Niou keeps laughing.
***
It's their last summer in high school.
Mostly, Niou sits in class and fans the back of his neck with paper planes. His bra sticks to his skin. Yagyuu peels it off in the tennis club storage shed. He skives off practice to meet Niou. The cheerleaders give Niou an honourary pom-pom. Niou draws on the tennis balls and spends more time with his back pressed to the shed wall and his legs around Yagyuu's waist. They bump and grind and Yagyuu comes. He stinks like BO. His body is slick. He spreads Niou's legs and fingers his clit until Niou pants. Niou gasps. He squeezes his knees together. His thighs slip.
At night, they watch hanabi in the park. Fireworks burst over the black harbour. Hiromi eats a stick of BBQ squid. His eyes are owlish behind his lenses. More often than not, he plays with the glasses instead of wearing them.
Yagyuu takes pictures of Niou in his yukata. Then, he sticks his hand under the cotton hem. Chrysanthemum explosions reflect in the liquid blackness as Yagyuu slides his dick between Niou's legs and fucks him behind a tree. Niou is numb with the fear of discovery and the thrill of orgasm here. His belly twists so much that the obi unwinds. He bites Yagyuu's hand when he comes.
They go to the hospital. Yagyuu needs three stitches.
"At least it wasn't your dick," Niou says.
Yagyuu doesn't disagree.
Niou hates the heat, but he wants to savour this summer. He takes Hiromi for walks in the park, just the two of them. It's a relief to his sensitized pussy without Yagyuu. Hiromi tip-toes. He chases pigeons. Niou hooks him up to a harness and leash. Hiromi trips over tree roots and screams. His glasses break twice before his second birthday.
It's the last year Yagyuu will play tennis. He plays in the Nationals, singles, against Inui from Seigaku. Niou watches in the stadium. Yagyuu has improved over the years. Inui stalled in high school. Maybe without Yanagi, it's not the same. Niou waves his pom-pom. Hiromi claps at every point.
"That wasn't Daddy's point," Niou says.
Hiromi frowns. He looks like Yagyuu when he does that. Niou's chest feels tight. His bum sticks to the plastic bucket seat.
Yagyuu's very last laser beam seals the match. Niou's eyes sting. He remembers being fourteen and switching with Yagyuu. It was the same laser that gave them away.
Niou is too far back to rush the courts when Yukimura wins the Nationals for them. Yagyuu looks up. Niou flashes him a v-sign. Yagyuu takes off his glasses. He wipes his eyes before Marui glomps him.
"Mommy, are you crying?" Hiromi asks.
Niou shakes his head. He blinks and says no. He pushes the glasses back up Hiromi's nose.
Officially, only the tennis team is invited for sushi. Niou takes Hiromi to a McDonald's across the road. He orders a teriyaki burger for himself and extra fries for the kid. Hiromi is still chewing on them when Yagyuu shows up. His cheekbones are sunburned. He's dusty from tennis and he stinks. Yagyuu checks his part in the mirrored walls. He grins at Niou. "All ready?"
They take the train all the way back home to Kanagawa. They drop Hiromi off at Yagyuu's grandmother's. She coos over him and gives him a big, chesty hug. Then, alone, he and Yagyuu take the train to MM21.
It's almost like a date. Yagyuu holds Niou's hand as they walk past World Porter's. Niou buys an icecream. He licks it and looks at Yagyuu. Yagyuu swallows. Niou knows that Yagyuu is hard. He closes his eyes and moans. The plum icecream is bitter. It melts down his chin. Niou licks his lips.
Across the street, the protean ferris wheel at Cosmoworld rotates from blue and purple. The amusement park is packed with teenagers and university students. The air is thick with the smell of curry popcorn and the sound of rushing arcade machines. Jackal makes out with Momoshiro at the gates.
Niou says hi when they walk past. Jackal ducks his head. Momoshiro's face is on fire when he shouts "Hi!" back.
He and Yagyuu check into a business hotel room for victory sex. When he sits on the bed, Niou feels like a real adult. It’s endless compared to his narrow futon. The room is endless compared to the storage shed. Yagyuu showers. Niou takes off his clothes.
The towel drops from Yagyuu's waist when the shower room door opens. His mouth hangs open. His dick moves. It's flushed dark and hard.
"Wow," he says.
"Puri," Niou says. Yagyuu pushes him to the bed. He fucks Niou first with the black mesh bra on. Niou bounces. Then he fucks Niou again. "You're so hot," Yagyuu moans. "You're so hot, Masaharu…."
The headboard bangs into the wall. Yagyuu thrusts faster. He squeezes his eyes shut and makes choking noises when he comes.
Congrats, Yagyuu, Niou thinks. Yagyuu snores on his chest, after. Niou watches him through slitted eyes. There are long scratches on Yagyuu's back. Niou's belly feels full, even though he's hungry. Yagyuu's soft dick burns his leg.
Niou reaches for the gold-plated medal Yagyuu set down. He drapes it over Yagyuu's neck. Yagyuu wakes up and asks what.
Niou's lips twitch. Yagyuu blinks. He lifts his head. The medal slides down around his neck.
Niou is wet.
"Oh," Yagyuu says.
There's only weak lamplight. Yagyuu's skin glistens. The medal gleams. Niou climbs onto Yagyuu to straddle him. He sinks down and groans. Niou touches his breasts. Yagyuu pants. Niou rubs his stomach. Yagyuu pushes up. Niou shakes. Their bodies slap. Sweat glides down Niou's forehead. He throws his head back and arches his back. Burning builds up in his cunt, hotter and sweeter until Niou throbs everywhere. His nerves are numb. A final wave releases and Niou shouts Yagyuu's name, that he loves him, that Yagyuu looks so hot, lying there blind and a champion.
Niou collapses.
Yagyuu combs Niou's hair with his fingers. Niou thinks that Yagyuu's chest feels damp. He lifts his head and Yagyuu brushes the tears from Niou's face, too.
***
Niou knows this time.
He knows right away.
***
The leaves change from green to scarlet. Niou's mom tells him he has to start potty-training. Niou tells Yagyuu he has to help.
"I can't exactly stand up and pee anymore," Niou says.
"Two year olds don't either," Yagyuu says.
Hiromi screams on the potty.
Niou tells him he can't get up unless he pees. Niou squeezes a squirt bottle. "Do you want the pee-pee squirt bottle again?" he threatens. Hiromi screams even louder. Niou wears earplugs. It takes all evening before Hiromi finally has to go so badly that he pisses in the potty.
"This isn't going to happen overnight," Yagyuu says. He yawns.
Yagyuu helps once. Then, he goes to cram school the rest of autumn. Niou buys a bag of gummies. Hiromi pees his big-boy underpants most days. Niou's mom tells Niou it's his responsibility to clean it up.
Yagyuu turns eighteen. He takes the night off from cram school to go to Royal Host with Niou. Yagyuu plays footsies with Niou's shin under the table. Hiromi smears hamburger on his shirt. He pees his pants, but Niou cheats with a diaper. Halfway through dinner, Niou stands up.
"Gotta fix my hair," he says.
Niou pukes in the toilet. He heaves again. Hair clings to the sides of his face. Vomit splashes back from the toilet water. He stays so long that Yagyuu knocks and asks if Niou is all right.
Niou says, "I had a big dump."
Yagyuu frowns. "Don't be rude." His nose twitches. Niou can smell the vomit on his breath in the train station. He pops a mint. His stomach turns again, so he spits the mint onto the tracks. It's crushed when the next train rolls up to the platform.
They go back to Niou's house. Niou sits Hiromi in the kitchen. His mom is doing dishes. She looks at him and shakes her head. "I can't watch him right now," she says.
Yagyuu nods his head.
Niou just clenches his teeth.
It's cold. Niou can see his breath in the air. The bench is hard and it creeks under his back. The slats press into his bare thighs. Yagyuu thrusts harder. Niou's teeth clack. He shivers. His cunt is on fire. Yagyuu's dick throbs inside. Niou shaved his legs and his armpits this morning, but it is too dark for Yagyuu to notice.
Out of the corner of his eye, Niou sees something flash. He turns. There's a flashlight and footsteps approaching them. His belly twists. Bile fills his mouth. Yagyuu thrusts faster. He comes and yanks his pants up.
The policeman asks why they are in a park in the dark. Niou hides his face in the shadows. Yagyuu's hair is messy, but his face is bland. Niou nods to the stroller. "We have a kid, see?" he says.
The policeman walks off. He shakes his head.
"That was too close!" Niou hisses. He walks beside Yagyuu. His cunt is still wet. His bum is numb.
"If we were married, we wouldn't have this problem anymore," Yagyuu says.
Niou stops. "What?"
***
Yagyuu talks about it often.
At lunch time in school, Yagyuu sets his chopsticks down. His curry is yellow and chunky. The smell is overwhelming. Niou squeezes his eyes closed so hard that they prick with tears. "Once you turn eighteen too," Yagyuu says, "we can get a place together."
Niou winces. "Who would watch the kid?"
Yagyuu chews on his rice. Niou bites down on his tongue. His mouth is filled with hot acid. He can't push it back down. His stomach shudders.
"My grandmother?" Yagyuu suggests.
Niou runs into the bathroom. He pukes until there is nothing left in his stomach. Niou closes his eyes. He exhales. The toilet bowl is cool and clammy. Niou flushes it. His footsteps echo like the ghost of Hanako. In the mirror above the sink, his face is just as white.
"Are you all right?" Yagyuu asks.
Niou nods. "You could buy me a milk tea," he says.
"I'll buy you all the milk tea you want when we get married," Yagyuu says.
Niou rolls his eyes. When Yagyuu is out of sight, Niou's fingertips touch the hem of his sweatervest and he sighs.
***
When Jackal breaks up with Seigaku's Momoshiro, he calls Niou.
"He turned out to be an ass," Jackal says.
"Uh huh," Niou says. He gets up from the toilet and pulls his pants up. He flushes. Jackal says something else. Niou nods.
"He just wanted to have sex," Jackal says. "I feel so…used."
"Puri," Niou says.
"Exactly," Jackal says. "At least Hiyoshi respected my feelings."
Niou rolls his eyes. He grabs the cup ramen he left in the kitchen. Behind his, his mother asks if he washed his hands.
Niou asks Jackal, "Why are you calling me? I don't care about feelings and shit."
"Er…" Jackal pauses. "It's what girls do."
***
Niou pads into the bathroom. Hiromi sits on top of a bucket. He's just as naked as Niou. Niou turns around in the mirror. He looks at the reflected body. It looks like a girl's, not his. His nipples look darker than they should. Niou runs a hand over his stomach. He doesn't feel anything.
Hiromi asks what he's doing.
Niou blows a raspberry. "Mommy has gas," he says.
Hiromi's forehead scrunches up. Without his glasses, his eyes look small.
Niou turns the shower on. The water isn’t warm enough. He waits for the spray to heat up. "Come on," he tells Hiromi, "let's clean the pee-pee off you and have a bath."
Under his futon, in the darkness, Niou holds Hiromi to his chest. He smells soapy and clean. His breathing is even and his face is too. Niou rests his chin on the top of Hiromi's head. Damp hairs cling to Niou's face.
"Do you want a baby brother or sister?" he whispers.
Hiromi sighs in his sleep. His fingers curl around Niou's, but he doesn't answer.
***
With each passing week, Niou sees less and less of Yagyuu.
Yagyuu has prefect meetings at lunch time. Niou eats with Jackal and Marui instead. Sometimes, he eats with Yukimura when Yukimura isn't on the tennis courts practicing, or on the rooftop making out with Sanada.
Because Yagyuu has cram school, he doesn't come to visit Niou in the evenings. Niou wipes up the kitchen chairs with a rag. His mother suggests bleach. Niou gags at the thought.
It's hard to masturbate with a sleeping toddler in his futon. Niou wiggles a hand down his pants. He slips his fingers between his legs. His cunt is hot and wet and tight. His clit aches. Niou starts to rub it with his fingers. Hiromi asks what he's doing.
Niou stares at the ceiling. "Go to sleep," he says.
He's really, really horny and Yagyuu isn't around. Niou purses his lips. He tries to sleep. On top of his desk, his cellphone crawls through liquid numbers. At half-past three, Niou crawls into the bathroom. He turns on the fan and masturbates until he's straining and shuddering on the toilet seat. He throws his arm over his mouth and sobs Yagyuu's name.
The toilet flushes everything away.
Almost.
***
Niou knows Yagyuu too well for Yagyuu's own good. On his birthday, he wears the mesh black bra and panty set under his school uniform. The underpants cut into his thighs. The waistband rolls down under Niou's skirt. Niou picks at it when he walks to school.
Yagyuu meets him at the gate with a bouquet of flowers.
"What am I supposed to do with those?" Niou asks. The roses make him sneeze.
Yagyuu has a tight smile. "Whatever you like," he says.
Niou stuffs them into his locker. He picks his underpants and pulls at his skirt. Yagyuu's eyes are glued to Niou's thighs.
"I hope you're wearing some sexy underpants," Niou says.
Yagyuu repeats what Niou says. He blinks and looks confused. Marui and Kirihara walk past them.
"It's my birthday, after all," Niou says. "I'd like to peel a manthong off you-"
Yagyuu clamps a hand over Niou's mouth. Marui gives Yagyuu a weird look. Kirihara just slinks away. Niou licks Yagyuu's palm until Yagyuu yanks his hand away.
In class, Marui leans over. He smells like apple gum. Niou's stomach turns. "So how come on your birthday, you get sex, but on Jackal's birthday, I don't?"
Niou runs out of the classroom. He pukes in the toilet. A faucet drips. The tiles are frigid in winter. Niou cranks a window open, but the acrid smell of vomit hangs in the air.
At lunch time, Yagyuu gives Niou a bag of strawberry chocolates.
Niou pops them into his mouth, two at a time. He hands another chocolate to Yagyuu. "Peel this for me," he says.
Yagyuu sighs. "Isn't that being a little lazy?"
Shouldn't I deserve it? Niou thinks. He says nothing. His insides move around. He's not so certain it's nausea.
"Aren't these chocolates from the supermarket?" Niou asks.
Yagyuu pockets the plastic wrappers. He pushes his glasses up. "I couldn't afford anything else," he says. His cheeks look pink. Niou warms them with his mouth. They are in the middle of the empty soccer field behind the high school. The grass is dying and the trees are bare. Niou chews on the chocolate. He hugs his knees. They are cold where his socks don't reach.
The bell rings for classes.
"I have to go," Yagyuu says.
Niou chews on the chocolates all afternoon.
***
They go for yakiniku buffet. Niou hasn't been in ages. His mom and sister agree to watch Hiromi. "Don't be out too late," Niou's mom tells him.
Yagyuu gives Niou a little box. The beef burns on the grill. Amber flames lick the sides. Niou looks at Yagyuu. "I don't want this," he says.
Yagyuu looks like he's going to cry. His Adam's Apple bobs. His mouth hangs open and his glasses slide down. "But…"
Niou can't look at him. His stomach aches. His chest aches, too. "Rings are so girly," he mutters.
"It's blue…" Yagyuu's voice cracks before he composes himself again. "Don't you want to get married to me?" The beef starts to smoke. Niou lifts his head.
He breathes through his nose. His heart thumps. He could tell Yagyuu now, but he's ruined Yagyuu's moment already. Niou looks around. Yagyuu planned the yakiniku and he planned the ring. It glitters in the light.
Niou holds out his hand.
***
They do in Yagyuu's grandma's house. There's no other place.
"She's in the hospital with pneumonia," Yagyuu says. He has a spare set of keys. They creep into the house. Niou can see his breath. The heating hasn't been turned on in a while.
"What a grandson you are," Niou mumbles.
Yagyuu frowns, but he says nothing. He gets a space heater from the closet. It's not very romantic. Niou picks at the meat stuck between his molars. He sits on the couch.
"Don't laugh," Yagyuu says.
Niou cocks his head. "Why would I?"
Yagyuu sighs. He takes his glasses off and folds the frames. Then, Yagyuu fiddles with his cellphone. It starts to play.
"Stripper music?" Niou asks. He starts to laugh.
"Shut up," Yagyuu says. He loosens his tie. Yagyuu swivels his hips. Niou snickers. Yagyuu peels off his shirt. He throws it at Niou's head and winks. Niou laughs harder. Yagyuu's full body wave reflects in the window as he shimmies out of his pants.
Niou's jaw drops.
Yagyuu dances around backwards. His ass cheeks hang out.
The neighbours bang on the door.
Yagyuu says, "Eep!" Niou runs. Yagyuu grabs his clothes and then he runs, too. The neighbours keep shouting and asking if there's someone in there, they'll call the cops, you'd better not steal anything from dear old Yagyuu-san's house!
Niou bolts through the back door. He runs to the local park before he stops. Yagyuu follows him. He clutches his clothes to his chest. His socks are still pulled up to his knees.
Niou tosses Yagyuu the cellphone. The stripper song has stopped.
"I don't even know what to say," Niou says.
Yagyuu looks up from pulling his pants up. His face twitches. Niou's lips quirk. At the same time, they both burst out laughing. Niou laughs until his sides hurt. Yagyuu laughs until he snorts, then he laughs harder than before. Tears stream down his face.
Niou stops. He looks at Yagyuu, then he kisses Yagyuu hard on the mouth. He grabs Yagyuu's bare butt cheek and says, "Do it hard."
***
Over the Christmas holidays, Kirihara invites everyone to his grandmother's. They take the train to Saitama. Niou sits beside Marui. He snacks on Marui's doughnuts. Yukimura draws pervy pictures of Sanada across the aisle when Sanada tries to nap. Kirihara reads picturebooks to Natsuko. Hiromi sits with them.
Free babysitting, Niou thinks. He smirks to himself. Yagyuu asks what. Marui shouts that Niou is eating all his snacks.
The ground is covered in a thin layer of frost. Kirihara's grandma picks them up from the train station in an old Chevy pickup. Niou gets to sit inside the cab with Yanagi and the kids. He presses his face to the window. Everyone else sits in the back of the truck. Only Marui seems to enjoy the ride.
Kirihara's grandma lives in the middle of nowhere. It's peaceful and the air smells crispy. They roast sweet potatoes in bonfires. Leaves crackle and hiss as they burn. Niou pokes at the foil-wrapped snacks with sticks. Yagyuu keeps Hiromi on his leash away from the fire.
There's an old bath house outside. Kirihara and Yanagi sweep it out. Niou checks it out after them. There are still cobwebs in the corners. He snorts.
Niou hasn't been around Yagyuu this much since summer. At dinner, Yagyuu touches Niou's knee under the table. After dinner, Yagyuu stares at Niou. The back of Niou's neck tingles when he walks upstairs to go to the bathroom.
Yagyuu follows him.
There's hardly any room in the tiny toilet room. Yagyuu has Niou pressed against the wall and his shirt open before Niou has closed the door. Yagyuu fingers Niou's clit hard enough to make Niou hiss. He sets a foot on the toilet seat and squirms. Yagyuu bites his neck. Yagyuu kisses him hard on the mouth and harder still on his breasts, his thighs and his stomach. Niou grabs Yagyuu's hard. He shakes and comes. Yagyuu fucks him slowly. His eyes never leave Niou.
Jackal knocks on the door. Yagyuu presses a palm to the wall beside Niou. Niou tries to catch his breath.
"Do you want to come and use the bath?" Jackal asks.
Niou says okay.
***
Sanada and Yukimura are having sex in the bath house. Niou can hear Sanada's shouting. He can hear the water splashing too.
"Maybe we should wait," Jackal says.
"Maybe we should make them run us some new water," Niou says.
***
On the nights that Sanada isn't crawling out of bed to go screw Yukimura (when they think no one will know), it's almost like a sleepover.
"Girls only," Jackal tells Marui. "You can't sleep in our room."
Marui's face sinks.
Sanada finds a bag of shrimp chips in the kitchen. Yanagi has a portable DVD player. Niou has a bottle of whiskey from Familymart. Jackal suggests they do makeovers.
"This is foolish!" Sanada says.
"Party pooper," Niou says. He takes a shot of the whiskey. It burns his stomach. Niou takes a second swig. It tastes just as bad.
"Let's play truth or dare," Jackal says.
"Tarundoru!" Sanada says.
Niou passes him the whiskey. Sanada looks horrified. Yanagi says no when Niou offers it to him.
"That's what girls do?" Sanada asks.
Jackal nods. "I should know. I used to be a lesbian."
Through the crack at the bottom of the door, Marui says, "Please play!" Jackal slides the door open. He shakes his head and slides the door closed again. Niou opens the door, pokes Marui in the eyes, and slides the door shut.
Nobody knows how to play, so they make it up.
"Let's do truth first," Niou says. He waggles his eyebrows. Jackal looks pale and clammy. Sanada is already blushing. Yanagi picks at his fingers. He blinks.
"I only slept with Akaya because I was curious," Yanagi says.
"Yukimura and I did it twice in the clubhouse," Sanada says.
"Yagyuu likes manthongs," Niou says. There are a hundred other things he doesn't say.
Jackal winces. "Um…" He sits on his hands and rocks back. "All I had is that when Bunta made me cookies last week I thought about giving him a kiss for thanks."
Jackal keeps wincing. "It's lame, isn't it?"
On the next round, Jackal picks dare.
Niou says, "Go flash the guys' room."
"I hate you," Jackal says. He comes back three minutes later. Down the corridor, Marui is still whooping. Jackal is red in the face. He fixes his bra and sits down.
Niou gulps the whiskey. He looks at Jackal and says, "Hit me with your best."
***
It's New Year's Eve. Hiromi hasn't peed his pants all day. The sky is velvety in the pre-dawn. The constellations are endless. Yagyuu's glasses glow with starlight. Niou gives him the baby. "It's your turn to carry him," he says. Niou cracks his back. Yagyuu cringes.
They walk in the middle of everyone. Sanada and Yukimura are way behind at the bottom of the mountain. Jackal and Marui and Kirihara and Yanagi are near the top. Niou can barely see. It's darkest before dawn. The trees are black and skeletal and the forest path is bumpy with roots. The bear bell in Yagyuu's pocket jingles.
Niou yawns. His stomach growls. He hasn't eaten since they left the house a couple hours ago. His sneakers crunch the dead leaves. Frozen dew clings to everything. Niou huddles under his scarf.
At the top of the mountain, Niou snacks on a package of cookies. They wait for Sanada and Yukimura to finish making kissy-faces at each other. Yanagi turns on his camera flash. He snaps photos of Natsuko. Niou thinks, She's sleeping, what's the big deal?
Grey light breaks on the horizon. It peaks between the pine-covered mountains, then the first bells of the year start to peel at the local shrine.
Yukimura kisses Sanada hard. Jackal tells Marui to have a Happy New Year. Marui says, "Won't you be my New Year's belle, Jackal?"
Niou looks at Yagyuu. Yagyuu leans close to him, but Niou pushes his lips away with his mitten. "I'm pregnant again."