FIC: Push/Pull, Yagyuu/Niou, NC17 (2/14)
Title: Push/Pull (2/14)
Author: Ociwen
Rating: NC17
Warning: Everything you can possibly think of, and then some. Spoilers for 40.5 and the entire series.
Disclaimer: Konomi owns all, except for Marui's crocs.
Summary: Niou is a girl, and everything pushed to the edge.
Author's Notes: This is one-shot fic related to Dénoument, We'll Always Have Kanagawa and Accidentally All Right. The fics can be read separately, but they make more sense together. Written for Niou's birthday 2008. Happy Birthday Niou!
This fic has been truncated into 14 parts due to length. The parts are NOT chapters. This is a one-shot fic.
Niou has a method to deal with this shit:
Pass it on to others and make Yagyuu as uncomfortable as he feels.
Not that he will ever admit this. Yagyuu doesn't catch on.
As soon as Niou realized that this whole situation made Yagyuu uncomfortable, Niou knew he had to milk it for all it was worth.
Yagyuu has nosebleeds on and off. Niou purposely sits between him and Kirihara (who didn’t seem to notice, or care, that hm, Niou-senpai had tits now). The sports bra he pilfered from his sister’s bedroom this morning squashes the boobs. It makes his rack smaller. Yagyuu still looks. The other boys in Niou's class look. He keeps his scowls hidden. Instead, he shots spitballs at guys who tried to peek through the gaps between his shirt buttons.
Mid-morning, Niou is forced to slink into the bathroom stalls. His bladder is on fire. Squirming does nothing to help. Each movement increases the pressure. Niou grinds his teeth until he can't take it anymore.
The girls' toilets are squats. Niou stares in horror. He waddles over the hole. It smells like piss. His aim is completely off. Piss on his sneakers is disgusting.
So is the tiny tinbox beside the toilet. Boys' toilets don't have them. Niou peeks inside. Used tampons stain the metal. Niou gags.
The world is playing a cosmic joke on him. He woke up one morning and his dick was gone. He had a pair of knockers and a pussy. It didn't make sense. It doesn't make sense. But it does make the blood drain from Yagyuu's face.
Niou would never in hell admit that he wishes his dick would grow back this instant and that these tits would shrink and he’d have hit flat, boyish chest back.
Instead, it becomes a matter of passing on his discomfort to others.
He teases Yagyuu at tennis practice.
Niou walks into the showers naked. Yukimura yells, "Niou!". Marui stares. Kirihara turns a shade of red that isn't natural. Yagyuu slips and falls on the wet tiles.
Niou watches him stand up. Jackal, in full uniform, passes him a towel. Niou drapes the towel over his body. Yagyuu's dick is hard.
There is a hot flash deep in Niou's belly. He ignores it. Sanada starts to yell at him.
Niou suckerfishes Yagyuu in the school hallways. "Good morning," he whispers. Most of the time, he keeps his shirt buttoned and his jumper on. He presses his boobs to Yagyuu's back. Yagyuu jumps three feet. His expression never changes.
Niou's nipples are hard after.
On Tuesdays and Thursdays, Niou wears lacy panties. He picks at his wedgies when Marui serves. His tennis skirt flips up. Yagyuu turns. His arms are raised for a laser beam, but he drops his racket. His mouth opens. His eyes glaze over. The breeze whips Niou's skirt against his thighs. He watches Yagyuu watch him shift his weight.
Do you like this? Niou thinks. He smirks. Dark blood drips down Yagyuu's chin. It splashes on the clay court. Sanada gives Yagyuu sweeping duty.
Yagyuu does like it.
Niou knows this.
***
There is a note in his locker. It flutters to the linoleum flooring when Niou opens the door. The message is cut and pasted from magazines.
D o YOU wANT to B E my GI R lfri enD?
Niou folds the note up. His hands feel cold. He looks over his shoulder. Yagyuu and Yukimura walk toward a classroom. Niou's heart skips a beat.
Niou's lips move. "Yes."
He touches the top of his breasts. They ache and he doesn't know why. The conversation he had with his mom about tampons was horrifying-it's not that. His heart flutters again when Yagyuu sees him. Yagyuu stares at Niou's stomach and his breasts and his legs too.
Niou's skirt feels too short. He hates the girl's uniform. His skirt rides up and his shirt is pulled at the buttons. On Sanada, the uniform looks okay because he's a giant pussy.
Niou isn’t.
In math class, Niou writes out a response. His katakana are neat and evenly spaced. His hand shakes when he finishes. His throat is too thick and his nipples are too tight. His cunt is cold and hot and tingly.
At lunch time, Niou doesn't suckerfish Yagyuu. He walks up to Yagyuu. He doesn't smirk and he doesn't snicker. Niou fixed his hair in the toilets. Jackal asked why.
Niou doesn't speak until he stands in front of Yagyuu. Yagyuu's glasses slip down. A cowlick curls up at the back of his head. Niou's chest swells with a strange feeling and sudden desire to pat Yagyuu's hair down.
He offers Yagyuu the note. In a small voice, he whispers, "Here."
This time, it's Niou whose head spins when Yagyuu's fingers brush his. Yagyuu hisses. Niou bites his lip.
Then he walks away. His shoes squeak on the flooring.
"What?" Jackal asks.
They eat their bentos by the baseball pitch. Jackal says it makes him feel manlier. Niou thinks it makes him look like a fangirl. The baseball team whistles at them. When the sun shifts, Niou raises his fingers to wiggle a wave.
"Yagyuu asked me out," Niou says. He flicks fish flakes off his okonomiyaki. The noodles are a bit crunchy.
Jackal looks at him. After a beat, he says, "Really?"
Niou looks.
Jackal raises an eyebrow. His hair is growing out again. "Because some guys in my class gave me a note like that too and I thought it was Bunta."
Niou stiffens. One of his chopsticks rolls across the wooden bench. A crow caws in one of the rustling trees behind left field.
"They probably would have given one to Sanada, too," Jackal says, "except he'd kick the shit out of them. Or Yukimura would do it for him."
Niou skips tennis practice.
He's an utter idiot.
***
Yagyuu sends Niou a message.
I don't think that's a very good idea. I'm sorry.
Niou punches a hole in his door. He can't sleep at night because the nightlight from the hallway shines into directly into his eyes.
***
Yanagi asks Niou if he wants to play tennis. Niou looks over his shoulder. He narrows his eyes at Yagyuu, then he fixes his sports bra.
"Yeah," he says. Fuck you, Yagyuu, he thinks.
***
When his parents discover the hole in his doorway (the taped up sign over top only works for a day or so), Niou spends an evening with a sheet of sandpaper and a jar of putty.
He lies in bed and thinks about calling Yagyuu. On his desk, his cellphone glows. Niou flips it open, and then closes it, eight times in a row. He flops back on his pillows and sighs. His stomach hurts. His boobs jiggle. Niou pokes one in the side. He hates them and he hates Yagyuu.
And yet, when he slides his hands down his underpants and feels that warm, wetness in his cunt, he can't stop thinking about Yagyuu. Niou gasps. He bites his lip. His breasts move as his fingers work faster. His body shakes. He half-sobs into the semi-darkness of his bedroom. Yagyuu is probably at home, studying, as Niou masturbates and rides those strange, tingly feelings that make his pussy numb and his insides tense in a way that was totally different as a guy.
Niou doesn't feel any better when he rolls over to go to sleep. He stares at the shadows on his wall. One of his posters gleams. He thinks about Yagyuu's glasses and stays awake all night.
***
Niou is perceptive enough-even when a zombie from lack of sleep and the fluid summer heat that melts bodies and fries eggs on sidewalks-to notice when Yukimura is acting fishy.
Yukimura has a thin-lipped smile and shifty eyes. Sanada runs laps and his boobs bounce. When Yukimura isn't looking at them, he's glancing from Yagyuu (talking with Marui in the safety of the shade of a zelkova tree) to Niou (who is flaked out across the bench holding a sweat towel over his head).
Niou watches Yukimura watch them. Then, Yukimura walks up to Yagyuu. Then, Yukimura walks away. Yagyuu is white-faced and his eyes are wide. Niou rubs his stomach. His skin is sticky. The dying summer heat turns his limbs into jelly.
Yukimura walks up to Niou. Niou squints. The cicadas are so loud that Niou can barely hear Yukimura say, "I want you to work on doubles formations with Yagyuu."
"That's lame," Niou says. "Formations are for losers."
"That's nice," Yukimura says. "I don't really care."
Niou sighs. He fans his face with the damp towel. "Besides," he says, "the season is over."
Yukimura's hair rustles. There is no wind. His eyes are on fire. Niou cringes. With another sigh, Niou stands up. He snorts and mutters, "Fine". Inside, his stomach turns. His guts hurt. Damn period. Niou picks at a wedgie that he makes sure Yagyuu can see.
He rubs his boobs. His nipples are tender through his tennis club t-shirt. Yagyuu's eye twitches. Niou cups his boobs again, jiggling them a little. Yagyuu stiffens. He looks a little green, which makes Niou smirk. He doesn't feel good at all, though.
"I want to see the Inducement Formation!" Yukimura calls. He bounces a ball on the other side of the net. The Data Man, of course, is right behind him with a clipboard and a scribbling pen.
Niou approaches Yagyuu first. "Well, partner?" He motions to his body. Yagyuu's eyes are unfocused. His chest rises and falls with an uneven rhythm-it only gives Niou more confidence. Schadenfreude warms his chest.
"This isn't a good idea!" Yagyuu hisses. He avoids Niou's eye.
"Captain's orders," Niou says. He plants his feet at the baseline. Today, he's wearing a short skirt. Niou pats his butt. "Come on, partner. Induce with me."
Yagyuu takes a deep breath. He puffs up his chin and purses his lips. Niou wiggles his butt and winks. Yukimura shouts, "Are you ready yet?"
Niou rocks his hips when Yagyuu inches closer. He keeps his eyes on Yagyuu. Yagyuu inhales sharply, once more, then he throws his racket down.
He doesn't want to induce.
Not even when Yukimura gives him three hundred laps.
Niou watches until the class bell rings. Yagyuu keeps his chin up as he runs. His back is dark with sweat. His hair curls and his glasses steam. He doesn't look at Niou once.
Niou's chest hurts when he walks away. The sound of Yagyuu's sneakers slapping the dusty court echo in his ears all through chemistry class and into home ec. Niou burns his cake.
The scorched marks on the edge are the same colour as Yagyuu's eyes.
***
"Good morning," Niou says. He waves his hand. There is a pink ribbon in his hair this morning. He found it on platform eight at the train station.
Yagyuu turns tail and stomps off.
Niou's shoulders slump. Marui says "Hey hey there, pretty!" until he realizes it's Niou.
"What did you do to piss off Yagyuu?" Marui asks. He looks at Niou's boobs. His eyes are level with them.
"Shut up, fatty!" Niou snaps.
He and Marui are paired up for the chemistry lab. Niou slices into the fetal pig. It cuts like butter. He cuts through the heart, then he stabs the pieces into the tray with the little push pins.
He doesn't feel any better.
***
Yanagi says, "Let's study for math together."
Niou looks at him. They are sitting outside. It should be nearly autumn. Instead, the cicadas are as loud as ever. Insects swarm around the trash cans. The trees are green and the sky is an endless, melting blue. Niou has sweat between his breasts. He looks at Yanagi with his flat chest. Niou glares.
"Fine," he says.
Yanagi invites Yagyuu too. He doesn't tell Niou this and he doesn't tell Yagyuu this either. Niou walks to the bus stop and waits. Boys shower after girls, thanks to Yukimura's rules. Niou wonders if Yukimura really prefers waiting for Sanada, but Niou says nothing. He scuffs his sneaker. A hot breeze ruffles his school skirt. He picks at his underpants.
Yanagi and Yagyuu walk up behind him. Yagyuu turns white. Yanagi offers a small wave, like the Queen of England.
We are not amused, Niou thinks.
"You want to see me that much?" Niou calls out. Yagyuu stops covering his eyes with his hand. He scowls, but he stares at the pavement. Niou makes a noise. He says, "Puri!" He jiggles his boobs and sways his hips. Yagyuu refuses to look at him.
"I should leave," Yagyuu tells Yanagi.
"You said you didn't understand the trigonometry very well," Yanagi says. "We can help."
"No…" Yagyuu says.
The bus pulls up.
Each moment that Yagyuu hesitates to get onto the bus, Niou balls his fist tighter. The bus stop number crumples between his fingers. They are sweaty and creak. Yanagi gets onto the bus. Niou sits down in a single-seater. He presses his thighs together.
Why do you hate me, Yagyuu? He wants to scream.
Yagyuu gets onto the bus.
Niou smiles. But the twisted lump in his guts doesn't go away.
***
They are studying at Niou's house. His mom is downstairs. Niou doesn't mind the bras hanging off his desk chair or the open box of tampons on his bookshelf. Yagyuu is a shade of green. Yanagi raises his eyebrows and says nothing.
Strains of old songs filter in from the kitchen radio. Niou lays on his futon on his stomach. His breasts squish together. He leans on his elbow. Yagyuu's pen stops. Yanagi turns a page in the textbook.
Niou rolls onto his back. He touches the top of his chest. His collarbone sticks out and he drags a finger along the ridge. Yagyuu chokes. Yanagi turns another page in the textbook and asks, "What did you get for question eight, part c?"
Time drips into that indeterminate hour, before supper, but after school. Niou has nothing better to do than lounge. He finished his work in class.
He sighs. His breasts move. Inside, Niou frowns. He hates these new hips. His tail bone aches from lying this way. But it bothers Yagyuu, so he does it anyway. Niou lifts a leg and stretches it out. His skirt rides up his thigh. He stares at the skin. He hasn’t shaved in weeks. No one notices the prickly little hairs.
It makes him feel like a guy to have them. Then Niou looks down and sees the skirt again. He purses his lips.
Niou trails his fingers on the inside of his thigh. Yanagi's head is bowed over the homework. Yagyuu keeps glancing up. He refuses Niou's flickering gaze, but his eyes drift and drink over Niou's legs. He must be able to see the panties Niou is wearing today. Niou picked them out this morning. They were at the top of his laundry pile and nothing special. Now, Niou's fingers dance across the soft yellow lace band on the top of his thigh.
Do you like that, Yagyuu?
Maybe his smile is lazy and catlike outside, but inside, Niou's heart is hard. It thumps on his ribs in an irregular rhythm. Through slitted eyes, Niou watches Yagyuu try-and fail-to avoid looking at him. Niou shifts his hips. He touches his panties, then his fingers move across the mound of his cunt. Yagyuu chokes.
Yanagi looks up.
Niou snatches his hand away. He looks at Yanagi. "Data Man?"
Yanagi checks his watch. "I should go," he says. "I need to be home for supper."
Niou nods. "Cool. See ya."
Yagyuu stands up, too. Yanagi says, "Why don't you stay and finish, Hiroshi?" he asks. Yagyuu's shoulders drop, but his back is to Niou. Niou cannot see Yagyuu's expression until Yanagi closes Niou's bedroom doorway behind himself.
Then Niou's mom shouts up to them, "I'm going out to Daiei to buy supper. Masaharu, Yagyuu-kun is welcome to stay."
The front door closes once. Yanagi and Niou's mom leave. There is nothing but Niou and Yagyuu and the haunting sound of Kyu Sakamoto from the radio that his mom must have left switched on.
Yagyuu still faces the doorway. He presses a palm to the frame. His back heaves with a silent sigh.
"Hey," Niou says. He sits up on his futon. The cover is sweaty from his body. Niou fixes his skirt, then he pushes it back up. Without Yanagi here, Niou cups his cunt through his panties. He moans a little. Like that, Yagyuu? He glares at Yagyuu's stiff back.
Yagyuu's hand slides down the doorframe.
Niou whistles along with the music downstairs. "But tonight I'm all alone…" he whispers under his breath. He touches his thigh and his cunt. Little electric pulses ripple through his belly when Yagyuu hisses. Niou cups his breasts, too, and unbuttons the top button of his uniform t-shirt. The air conditioning isn't on, but Niou's nipples are hard and aching. Niou rubs them through his shirt. He closes his eyes. His palm doesn't do much except make him hornier.
Niou sighs again. Why do you hate me, Yagyuu? he thinks. The music keeps playing. Yagyuu's footsteps creak. Niou looks up through heavy eyelids.
His eyes go wide when he sees the expression on Yagyuu's face.
Niou moves to sit up the whole way. He starts to take his hand off his stomach. Yagyuu is faster. Yagyuu throws his glasses off. His lip curls up and he shoves Niou down. His face is in Niou's. Niou's heart pounds. He squeezes his legs shut and pants.
"What are you-"
Yagyuu forces Niou down. Niou hits Yagyuu's arms. Yagyuu stuffs a knee between Niou's legs. "Stop-teasing-ME!" Yagyuu seethes. Spit flies into Niou's face. So does Yagyuu's mouth. Yagyuu's kiss is cruel and cold. Niou jerks back. Yagyuu bites Niou's jaw.
"Stop!" Niou shouts.
No one else is home.
No one else can hear.
It doesn't matter if Niou hits Yagyuu in the shoulder. Niou is weaker. Yagyuu is heavier. Yagyuu is hard. Niou gasps when he feels Yagyuu's erection on his leg. He freezes. He stops breathing. Niou shakes his head. He whispers, "No", but his voice is so small that Yagyuu doesn't hear. The sound of Niou's shirt ripping is too loud. It cuts the air between them.
Niou squirms. Niou tries to wiggle away. Yagyuu is on top of him and burning hot with a desire for something Niou doesn't want to think about.
It's his fault, really.
He shouldn't have teased Yagyuu.
Yagyuu pushes Niou's bra away, but he doesn't take it off. The cups are yanked to the sides and his breasts spill out. Niou shouts. Yagyuu bites them. Niou shakes. Yagyuu drags his teeth over Niou's nipples. Niou punches Yagyuu on the shoulder. His back arches. He's wet between the legs but he doesn't want this.
Yagyuu scares him. His eyes are black and hooded. His hands are too quick. He holds Niou down with his weight and height and his throbbing dick. He shoves Niou's skirt up. Niou squeezes his thighs together. Yagyuu snarls and pushes them apart again. Niou makes a noise, like a sob. "Stop!" he moans. "Stop, Yagyuu-"
Yagyuu's dick is swollen and dark and dripping. Niou shakes his head. His wrists strain. Yagyuu's mouth is on his neck. His tongue is hot and slimy. Niou cringes. His chest heaves. His stomach tightens.
"No," he says.
Yagyuu has always been fast. He pushes inside, up to the hilt. Niou chokes. Yagyuu grunts. His face is on Niou's chest. He bares his teeth as he thrusts. Niou's body moves on its own. No! Niou screams inside. No! His cunt is wet, too wet-Yagyuu hurts.
Niou doesn't want this.
Niou didn't want this.
He opens his eyes as Yagyuu comes. Niou looks at the ceiling where the dust motes flicker through the last sunlight of the day. Yagyuu spills himself. His come fills Niou in the worst way. Niou holds his breath. The seconds drip like hours.
Yagyuu never even took his pants off all the way. Niou's panties are around his ankles. For a moment, Yagyuu slumps on top of Niou's body. Niou can't breath. His head swims. His body shivers.
Niou isn't the only one who shakes when Yagyuu pulls out. Yagyuu breathes hard, but his lips are white. He catches Niou's eye for the briefest second. Niou's eyes sting at the edges. Yagyuu reaches for his glasses with a blind hand. He fumbles. Niou lays there. Yagyuu's glasses brush his elbow. When Yagyuu finds them, Niou can feel the chill on Yagyuu's fingertips.
Yagyuu's lips move. Downstairs, the radio segues into a warbling enka song. Niou can hear the sound of their bodies slap together, and echo that mixes with Ue wo Muite Arukou.
"Niou-kun," Yagyuu whispers. His swallow is audible. "I'm so so-"
"Get out," Niou says.
***
His mom shouts, "Did Yagyuu-kun decide to go home for supper?" up the stairs.
Niou rolls over on his futon. He clutches his stomach. It cramps up again and he sucks in a breath. He says nothing. He can't get Yagyuu's face out of his mind. Yagyuu is on him, forcing his dick inside again and again, pushing and pulsing and shoving and grunting. His body is so heavy that Niou cannot breathe. He gags.
His mom knocks on his door. Niou doesn't move. His room is dark now. Homey sounds come up from the kitchen. His sister speaks. His father shuffles. His brother whines. His mom's rapping is gentle. Niou shakes. He pulls the futon cover over his head.
"Masaharu?" she asks.
Go away, Niou thinks. His eyes hurt. Someone is watching the news downstairs. Light seeps into his bedroom when his mom comes in. She says his name again. Niou's pillow is wet. He squeezes his eyes shut.
"Is everything okay?"
He's crying and he hates this. Niou tenses his body. His cunt feels wet and numb. He stiffens. There could be blood on his futon cover and his mother will ask about it. Niou is torn between flinging his cover off his body and yelling something, and huddling deeper in his cocoon. He hates this indecisiveness. He doesn't know what to do. Fuck!
If she finds out…
Niou shakes. Shame intensifies into a hard, blooming knot inside.
But she doesn't ask any questions. Niou waits for the explosion of silence. Niou waits for the tension to slice his belly deeper than Yagyuu has already done. But instead, he feels nothing except a warm, soft hand on his shoulder. His mom pats his arm through the futon cover.
"You know you can talk to me about any girl problems you have," she says. Niou sinks deeper. He opens his eyes, but he can't see anything beyond the cotton sheeting. "Masaharu."
Then, she leaves too.
Niou doesn't come down for the grilled unagi bought from the supermarket. His stomach growls and churns. He sits on his floor, in the dimness, and listens to the sound of the rain begin outside. It falls and the earth stings in a million places on impact.
***
Yagyuu sends eight messages. He leaves nine voicemails before Niou turns off his cellphone. The sound of Yagyuu's voice makes the bile build up in Niou's throat. He fights his way to the toilet. He leans over the bowl, but the puke never comes. Niou heaves. Strands of hair come loose from his pink elastic. They cling to the sweaty sides of his face.
By morning, Yagyuu has left twenty-five messages.
Niou doesn't sleep. Each time he closes his eyes, Yagyuu's bared teeth are behind his eyelids. Yagyuu's face twists more and more until he is unrecognizable. Niou is tiny and terrified. Yagyuu grows to five times his size. His cock rips Niou in half.
Niou wakes up in the middle of the night and his thighs are wet. When he flicks on the light, it's only sweat.
He doesn't sigh. All he can see underneath his body are the brown stains from before.
Niou's shoulders slump. He doesn't know what to think anymore.
***
The worst would be if anyone found out. Maybe if it were someone else who did this, some yakuza thug or a perverted old salaryman-it wouldn't be any better, but it wouldn't have been his friend either.
Niou puts on his skirt. He pulls on a pair of boxer shorts and he dabs makeup onto the purple bruise on the top of his breast. He brushes his hair. The reflection in the mirror stares at him with big, black eyes. Niou pulls at the corner of his mouth. It isn't a smirk, but it will do.
He says "Good morning" to Jackal on the bus. Inside, Niou shakes. He says "Hey, Fatty" to Marui at the school gates. Inside, Niou's chest is cold. He waves to Sanada and whispers "They should get a room" to Yanagi when Yukimura touches Sanada on the side. Inside, Niou is hollow. He forces himself not to feel a thing around his teammates.
Around Yagyuu, his knees wobble.
Yagyuu's eyes are bloodshot. He has a cowlick and he opens his mouth to speak. Niou tenses his jaw. Yagyuu walks up to him with careful, cautious steps. Marui is right behind them.
"Niou-kun…" Yagyuu whispers. His eyes waver.
Niou turns around. He shouts across the court and asks Yukimura for a one-set match.
He's going to lose today anyway.
***
Yagyuu says, "Good morning."
Niou ignores him.
***
The following morning, something drops from the shelf of Niou's locker. There is a note on folded paper on the floor beside his shoe. Beside that, there is a single rose.
The back of Niou's neck prickles. He glances over his shoulder. Half-hidden around the corner of a row of lockers is Yagyuu. His expression is blank, but his eyes are big and pleading.
Niou picks up the rose. He picks up the note, too. Yagyuu's throat bobs.
Niou walks down the hallway towards his classroom and towards Yagyuu. He stops. He throws the note and the rose into the rubbish bin and then he walks to his classroom.
In biology, they study the reproductive system. Niou draws heavy black lines across the diagram of the penis. Marui leans over and hisses, "Your hand is bleeding."
Niou looks down.
One of the thorns must have pricked his thumb.
Niou smears the blood across the diagram of the woman.
***
Autumn brings cold rain and a dripping sort of silence. Niou lays on his futon. His homework sits untouched in his bag. There is nothing, not even the sound of traffic tonight. The world has decided to go to bed early on a gloomy evening. Niou doesn't blame them. He has no desire to do anything. Even laying here is taxing.
Niou picks at his fingernails. He pulls at the hairs on his thighs. In the showers today after tennis practice, Sanada's legs were bare and smooth. He held hands with Yukimura when they walked home. Jackal rode his bike. Marui followed. Niou walked home alone.
His mom calls his name. Niou rolls onto his side. His hand rests against his hip. He closes his eyes. For a moment, there is a flash memory of Yagyuu's heavy weight and Yagyuu panting in his ear, like an animal, grunting and thrusting. Niou stiffens. His mom calls his name again.
Go away, Niou thinks. Shut the hell up!
"Your friend is here!" his mom says.
Niou clenches his jaw. After a beat, he shouts, "I'm doing homework!" His voice shakes behind his doorway. No one else notices. Rain drips down the metal pipes.
His mom stops calling his name after the fourth time. Niou half-listens to the excuse she gives Yagyuu. The front door closes. Cool air seeps through Niou's open window. It blows across his face, like a kiss.
"Masaharu," she says. Niou closes his eyes. She doesn't believe that he's asleep. A crinkling noise makes Niou crack an eye open. His mom sets down a bouquet of roses. The smell is faint and sweet. They are imported from someplace tropical, like Saipan or maybe Turkey. In the shadows of Niou's bedroom, the deep red petals look black.
"You can talk to me, you know," she says. She looks at the flowers and her lips move. "These are from Yagyuu-kun." She doesn't tell Niou to write a thank you card. She doesn't tell Niou to call him. She says nothing else.
Niou tries to stuff the entire bouquet into his trash bin. The crinkling sound of the unopened cellophane mixes with the rain. Niou curls his lip up.
The bouquet doesn't fit.
***
Each day, for one week, Yagyuu drops by Niou's house with a bouquet of flowers. Niou's mom places the flowers in vases around his room. Niou sneezes. He rips the petals out. He stuffs them in trash bags in the alley. Each day, more flowers appear. His room is a field of pink and white and yellow. No notes come with the bouquets.
Niou blocks Yagyuu's number on his cell. He doesn't know if Yagyuu tries to call or text him. He doesn't really care.
With no one else to hang around (Yanagi hangs out with whoever, but he's boring. Marui is a fat pervert and Sanada and Yukimura are always busy making eyes at each other and making Niou barf), Niou hangs out with Jackal. They hit the malls and underground arcades. They buy crepes and drink Starbucks and go back to the park behind Jackal's building to paint their toenails.
"I've always wanted to do this," Jackal confesses. He paints his toenails yellow. In the gleaming light from a park lamp post, his toes look golden where he messes the polish up.
Niou's toes are cold. It's stupid, but he likes the pointlessness. It makes the whole…issue with Yagyuu easier to swallow if he can forget that Yagyuu…
Niou closes his eyes. Across the park pathway, a single leaf finds a quivering, floating path in the damp air down to the ground. It's the first leaf to fall.
Niou says, "Pass the polish."
Jackal hands Niou a bottle. Niou unscrews the cap and takes the brush out. He paints one strip on his big toe and then he notices the colour. He freezes.
The bottle of green nail polish smashes on the pavement.
***
Niou brings a can of beer to school on Tuesday in the hopes it will make him a man again. He sits on the rooftop, behind the green house water trough. The insects have all died off with the first frost of the season. The cement ledge is cold.
Niou sits and drinks by himself. He looks out over the edge of the roof. Sanada and Yukimura are curled up under a tree. Yukimura holds Sanada's paw with one hand, and he bounces a ball with his racket in the other. Niou frowns. He swirls his beer around in the can. It tastes bitter and watery.
He falls asleep in Chemistry. Niou forgets to steal the magnesium strips they were burning.
Damn, he thinks. Marui packs up the magnesium and hands it to their teacher. "Here, sensei!" he says. Niou scratches the back of his head and yawns. Then, he narrows his eyes.
Damn you, Yagyuu!
***
Yagyuu doesn't ask Niou if he wants to practice together. Niou unbuttons his school shirt. He wanders around naked. He looks at Yagyuu. Yagyuu says something to Yukimura, then he leaves.
Niou pulls his t-shirt and his jacket on. For a moment, with his back to the team, he purses his lips. And then his stomach cramps up. Niou sucks in a breath. He leans over his middle and holds his side. He exhales and the sharp pain lets up.
Marui prances over to Jackal. "Wanna play, bay-bay?" he asks. His English accent is off. Niou opens his mouth, but a second stab cuts his belly and his knees wobble.
No one needs to know about this.
Niou knows the feeling of something wet and warm between his legs. He walks to the bathroom. He wants to run, but he won’t give up the illusion that this is all a joke.
He clings to the toilet seat. Niou curls up into a ball. Sanada bangs on the door. "Niou! What are you doing in there? You have laps!"
Fuck you, too, Niou thinks. "I'm taking a shit," he tells Sanada.
"You've been in there a half hour!"
"It's a big one," Niou says. If it wasn't for the cramps, it would almost be funny. He winces. He squeezes his eyes shut. He presses his knees together and rests his chin on his legs. The pain won't go away. Niou doesn't know how to make it stop. The physical pain combines with the ache in his chest and his body pulses, hurting and shaking. Sanada leaves. The bathroom is Niou's again.
He exhales. His breathing is shuddered and shallow. The fluorescent light flickers. Something dribbles into the toilet. The sound grates Niou's ears.
Daylight has faded by the time Niou peels his butt off the toilet. His insides have settled enough that he can walk without wincing. The clubhouse showers have turned on, and turned off. Lingering steam fills the air with warm dampness. Niou swims through it. He takes his t-shirt off and fans his chest. He looks at his breasts and his bra. He frowns. He cups them. The purple satin bra catches on his palms. Niou touches his nipples and they stiffen. It's nothing. He remembers Yagyuu's mouth on them. He remembers the marks Yagyuu left.
Niou yanks his hands away.
He changes into his school uniform. Everyone has left, but Yagyuu has forgotten his school bag.
Niou looks at it. The bottom is dusty. The strap is worn and there is a badge on the front. Niou pinned it there last year. It is yellow and says "I'm Shellfish". Niou bought it in Hiroshima on a family trip. Yagyuu didn't understand the joke.
Niou can't be bothered to kick Yagyuu's bag. It would be easy to send his school notes and textbooks flying across the room, or to burn them behind the school building. Instead, Niou shrugs. He grabs his bag and walks outside.
Niou stops. His eyes widen.
Niou follows the spidery, wavering hiragana until his eyes reach Yagyuu on the other side. Yagyuu pushes something that looks an awful lot like the chalk line maker the baseball team uses. He stops when he turns around. He looks straight at Niou.
His message is fifty feet high. It paints the green courts with words too big for Niou to destroy.
I'm sorr-
Yagyuu is half-way through the last character. Instead, he drops the chalk line maker. It makes a loud clang when it hits the ground.
The sound of Yagyuu's sneakers as he runs across the court to Niou is even louder.
Five feet from Niou, Yagyuu drops his bow to forty-five degrees.
"Please forgive me!" he says. His voice rises to a shout. "Please!"
For the longest time, Niou doesn't breathe. He looks at Yagyuu, who refuses to get up. Then Yagyuu drops to his knees in front of Niou. His back shudders, but he makes no sound. The first stars peek out behind an inky curtain. They flicker and move-maybe they are planes instead. Niou wishes that Yagyuu would get up and stop making this even more awkward.
Niou scuffs his shoe in the clay ground. A noise escapes from Yagyuu and he whips his head up. His glasses are smudged and greasy. He stands up on shaky knees. Niou takes a step back, but Yagyuu's stride is longer. Arms wrap around Niou. Yagyuu's hold is tight-too tight, maybe. Niou still can't breathe; his insides have frozen with an icy cold shiver.
But Yagyuu doesn't yank his skirt down. Yagyuu doesn't lick his neck or bite his tits. Yagyuu is tense and his lips pursed. His face is a ghostly white. His lips move and kiss Niou's name into the air.
"Please…" Yagyuu whispers. "Niou-kun…let me make things up to you…"
You forced me! Niou wants to scream. You pushed me down on my bed and fucking forced me!
Niou's mouth doesn't open. His throat closes up looking at Yagyuu like this. There are pained lines around Yagyuu's eyes. His hands are dusty and smell of chalk. His uniform is covered in chalk, too. It sprinkles onto Niou's like snow, or dandruff.
Niou's chest presses into Yagyuu's arm. His breasts are squashed. Niou glances down at them. Yagyuu only looks over his shoulder. "Niou…" he says, "Masaharu…"
Niou takes a deep breath, but his breasts jiggle. Yagyuu shifts his weight. He's hard-Niou knows this. He used to be the same way when Yagyuu would touch him. Niou tries to pull away. His stomach knots with fear. They are completely alone. The night is filled with no sounds, except the faint buzz from the floodlight overhead. The light makes Yagyuu's glasses gleam. It hides his eyes.
Niou can't read him like this.
"Why?" Niou mouths. Sound refuses to come. His tongue is woolen on the roof of his mouth.
Yagyuu's voice is hollow and weak. "I can't be around you and not have you," he says. The bushes behind the tennis bench rustle. Silence falls in a black sweep when the floodlight flickers to a halt. Yagyuu shifts his weight again. His erection hardens on Niou's thigh. Niou can almost feel Yagyuu's pulse throbbing. It's quick and forceful. Niou balls his fist, but Yagyuu still won't make any moves.
"You teased me," Yagyuu says.
How the hell do you think I can stand this?!? Niou's breasts flood with feeling. He can feel his nipples stiffen, brushed up on Yagyuu's chest. He can feel the night air cool on the swell of his chest where his shirt is unbuttoned. He can feel his ribs creak when Yagyuu tightens his arms.
"I'll do anything," Yagyuu says. There is something wet and new on Niou's shoulder. He looks up at the sky. Little droplets of rain stain the courts. They catch the night and the stars like diamonds. The bushes swish. Yagyuu's hair brushes the side of Niou's face. He leans into Niou. Their foreheads touch. Yagyuu is so close that Niou can taste the chalk on his lips.
Niou doesn't know if they kiss or not. He's not certain it really matters.
His insides slither and loosen. His legs give out. There is no illusion to hide behind tonight. Niou fails to even try.
"Stop sending the flowers," he mutters.
***
The flowers stop.
Author: Ociwen
Rating: NC17
Warning: Everything you can possibly think of, and then some. Spoilers for 40.5 and the entire series.
Disclaimer: Konomi owns all, except for Marui's crocs.
Summary: Niou is a girl, and everything pushed to the edge.
Author's Notes: This is one-shot fic related to Dénoument, We'll Always Have Kanagawa and Accidentally All Right. The fics can be read separately, but they make more sense together. Written for Niou's birthday 2008. Happy Birthday Niou!
This fic has been truncated into 14 parts due to length. The parts are NOT chapters. This is a one-shot fic.
Niou has a method to deal with this shit:
Pass it on to others and make Yagyuu as uncomfortable as he feels.
Not that he will ever admit this. Yagyuu doesn't catch on.
As soon as Niou realized that this whole situation made Yagyuu uncomfortable, Niou knew he had to milk it for all it was worth.
Yagyuu has nosebleeds on and off. Niou purposely sits between him and Kirihara (who didn’t seem to notice, or care, that hm, Niou-senpai had tits now). The sports bra he pilfered from his sister’s bedroom this morning squashes the boobs. It makes his rack smaller. Yagyuu still looks. The other boys in Niou's class look. He keeps his scowls hidden. Instead, he shots spitballs at guys who tried to peek through the gaps between his shirt buttons.
Mid-morning, Niou is forced to slink into the bathroom stalls. His bladder is on fire. Squirming does nothing to help. Each movement increases the pressure. Niou grinds his teeth until he can't take it anymore.
The girls' toilets are squats. Niou stares in horror. He waddles over the hole. It smells like piss. His aim is completely off. Piss on his sneakers is disgusting.
So is the tiny tinbox beside the toilet. Boys' toilets don't have them. Niou peeks inside. Used tampons stain the metal. Niou gags.
The world is playing a cosmic joke on him. He woke up one morning and his dick was gone. He had a pair of knockers and a pussy. It didn't make sense. It doesn't make sense. But it does make the blood drain from Yagyuu's face.
Niou would never in hell admit that he wishes his dick would grow back this instant and that these tits would shrink and he’d have hit flat, boyish chest back.
Instead, it becomes a matter of passing on his discomfort to others.
He teases Yagyuu at tennis practice.
Niou walks into the showers naked. Yukimura yells, "Niou!". Marui stares. Kirihara turns a shade of red that isn't natural. Yagyuu slips and falls on the wet tiles.
Niou watches him stand up. Jackal, in full uniform, passes him a towel. Niou drapes the towel over his body. Yagyuu's dick is hard.
There is a hot flash deep in Niou's belly. He ignores it. Sanada starts to yell at him.
Niou suckerfishes Yagyuu in the school hallways. "Good morning," he whispers. Most of the time, he keeps his shirt buttoned and his jumper on. He presses his boobs to Yagyuu's back. Yagyuu jumps three feet. His expression never changes.
Niou's nipples are hard after.
On Tuesdays and Thursdays, Niou wears lacy panties. He picks at his wedgies when Marui serves. His tennis skirt flips up. Yagyuu turns. His arms are raised for a laser beam, but he drops his racket. His mouth opens. His eyes glaze over. The breeze whips Niou's skirt against his thighs. He watches Yagyuu watch him shift his weight.
Do you like this? Niou thinks. He smirks. Dark blood drips down Yagyuu's chin. It splashes on the clay court. Sanada gives Yagyuu sweeping duty.
Yagyuu does like it.
Niou knows this.
***
There is a note in his locker. It flutters to the linoleum flooring when Niou opens the door. The message is cut and pasted from magazines.
D o YOU wANT to B E my GI R lfri enD?
Niou folds the note up. His hands feel cold. He looks over his shoulder. Yagyuu and Yukimura walk toward a classroom. Niou's heart skips a beat.
Niou's lips move. "Yes."
He touches the top of his breasts. They ache and he doesn't know why. The conversation he had with his mom about tampons was horrifying-it's not that. His heart flutters again when Yagyuu sees him. Yagyuu stares at Niou's stomach and his breasts and his legs too.
Niou's skirt feels too short. He hates the girl's uniform. His skirt rides up and his shirt is pulled at the buttons. On Sanada, the uniform looks okay because he's a giant pussy.
Niou isn’t.
In math class, Niou writes out a response. His katakana are neat and evenly spaced. His hand shakes when he finishes. His throat is too thick and his nipples are too tight. His cunt is cold and hot and tingly.
At lunch time, Niou doesn't suckerfish Yagyuu. He walks up to Yagyuu. He doesn't smirk and he doesn't snicker. Niou fixed his hair in the toilets. Jackal asked why.
Niou doesn't speak until he stands in front of Yagyuu. Yagyuu's glasses slip down. A cowlick curls up at the back of his head. Niou's chest swells with a strange feeling and sudden desire to pat Yagyuu's hair down.
He offers Yagyuu the note. In a small voice, he whispers, "Here."
This time, it's Niou whose head spins when Yagyuu's fingers brush his. Yagyuu hisses. Niou bites his lip.
Then he walks away. His shoes squeak on the flooring.
"What?" Jackal asks.
They eat their bentos by the baseball pitch. Jackal says it makes him feel manlier. Niou thinks it makes him look like a fangirl. The baseball team whistles at them. When the sun shifts, Niou raises his fingers to wiggle a wave.
"Yagyuu asked me out," Niou says. He flicks fish flakes off his okonomiyaki. The noodles are a bit crunchy.
Jackal looks at him. After a beat, he says, "Really?"
Niou looks.
Jackal raises an eyebrow. His hair is growing out again. "Because some guys in my class gave me a note like that too and I thought it was Bunta."
Niou stiffens. One of his chopsticks rolls across the wooden bench. A crow caws in one of the rustling trees behind left field.
"They probably would have given one to Sanada, too," Jackal says, "except he'd kick the shit out of them. Or Yukimura would do it for him."
Niou skips tennis practice.
He's an utter idiot.
***
Yagyuu sends Niou a message.
I don't think that's a very good idea. I'm sorry.
Niou punches a hole in his door. He can't sleep at night because the nightlight from the hallway shines into directly into his eyes.
***
Yanagi asks Niou if he wants to play tennis. Niou looks over his shoulder. He narrows his eyes at Yagyuu, then he fixes his sports bra.
"Yeah," he says. Fuck you, Yagyuu, he thinks.
***
When his parents discover the hole in his doorway (the taped up sign over top only works for a day or so), Niou spends an evening with a sheet of sandpaper and a jar of putty.
He lies in bed and thinks about calling Yagyuu. On his desk, his cellphone glows. Niou flips it open, and then closes it, eight times in a row. He flops back on his pillows and sighs. His stomach hurts. His boobs jiggle. Niou pokes one in the side. He hates them and he hates Yagyuu.
And yet, when he slides his hands down his underpants and feels that warm, wetness in his cunt, he can't stop thinking about Yagyuu. Niou gasps. He bites his lip. His breasts move as his fingers work faster. His body shakes. He half-sobs into the semi-darkness of his bedroom. Yagyuu is probably at home, studying, as Niou masturbates and rides those strange, tingly feelings that make his pussy numb and his insides tense in a way that was totally different as a guy.
Niou doesn't feel any better when he rolls over to go to sleep. He stares at the shadows on his wall. One of his posters gleams. He thinks about Yagyuu's glasses and stays awake all night.
***
Niou is perceptive enough-even when a zombie from lack of sleep and the fluid summer heat that melts bodies and fries eggs on sidewalks-to notice when Yukimura is acting fishy.
Yukimura has a thin-lipped smile and shifty eyes. Sanada runs laps and his boobs bounce. When Yukimura isn't looking at them, he's glancing from Yagyuu (talking with Marui in the safety of the shade of a zelkova tree) to Niou (who is flaked out across the bench holding a sweat towel over his head).
Niou watches Yukimura watch them. Then, Yukimura walks up to Yagyuu. Then, Yukimura walks away. Yagyuu is white-faced and his eyes are wide. Niou rubs his stomach. His skin is sticky. The dying summer heat turns his limbs into jelly.
Yukimura walks up to Niou. Niou squints. The cicadas are so loud that Niou can barely hear Yukimura say, "I want you to work on doubles formations with Yagyuu."
"That's lame," Niou says. "Formations are for losers."
"That's nice," Yukimura says. "I don't really care."
Niou sighs. He fans his face with the damp towel. "Besides," he says, "the season is over."
Yukimura's hair rustles. There is no wind. His eyes are on fire. Niou cringes. With another sigh, Niou stands up. He snorts and mutters, "Fine". Inside, his stomach turns. His guts hurt. Damn period. Niou picks at a wedgie that he makes sure Yagyuu can see.
He rubs his boobs. His nipples are tender through his tennis club t-shirt. Yagyuu's eye twitches. Niou cups his boobs again, jiggling them a little. Yagyuu stiffens. He looks a little green, which makes Niou smirk. He doesn't feel good at all, though.
"I want to see the Inducement Formation!" Yukimura calls. He bounces a ball on the other side of the net. The Data Man, of course, is right behind him with a clipboard and a scribbling pen.
Niou approaches Yagyuu first. "Well, partner?" He motions to his body. Yagyuu's eyes are unfocused. His chest rises and falls with an uneven rhythm-it only gives Niou more confidence. Schadenfreude warms his chest.
"This isn't a good idea!" Yagyuu hisses. He avoids Niou's eye.
"Captain's orders," Niou says. He plants his feet at the baseline. Today, he's wearing a short skirt. Niou pats his butt. "Come on, partner. Induce with me."
Yagyuu takes a deep breath. He puffs up his chin and purses his lips. Niou wiggles his butt and winks. Yukimura shouts, "Are you ready yet?"
Niou rocks his hips when Yagyuu inches closer. He keeps his eyes on Yagyuu. Yagyuu inhales sharply, once more, then he throws his racket down.
He doesn't want to induce.
Not even when Yukimura gives him three hundred laps.
Niou watches until the class bell rings. Yagyuu keeps his chin up as he runs. His back is dark with sweat. His hair curls and his glasses steam. He doesn't look at Niou once.
Niou's chest hurts when he walks away. The sound of Yagyuu's sneakers slapping the dusty court echo in his ears all through chemistry class and into home ec. Niou burns his cake.
The scorched marks on the edge are the same colour as Yagyuu's eyes.
***
"Good morning," Niou says. He waves his hand. There is a pink ribbon in his hair this morning. He found it on platform eight at the train station.
Yagyuu turns tail and stomps off.
Niou's shoulders slump. Marui says "Hey hey there, pretty!" until he realizes it's Niou.
"What did you do to piss off Yagyuu?" Marui asks. He looks at Niou's boobs. His eyes are level with them.
"Shut up, fatty!" Niou snaps.
He and Marui are paired up for the chemistry lab. Niou slices into the fetal pig. It cuts like butter. He cuts through the heart, then he stabs the pieces into the tray with the little push pins.
He doesn't feel any better.
***
Yanagi says, "Let's study for math together."
Niou looks at him. They are sitting outside. It should be nearly autumn. Instead, the cicadas are as loud as ever. Insects swarm around the trash cans. The trees are green and the sky is an endless, melting blue. Niou has sweat between his breasts. He looks at Yanagi with his flat chest. Niou glares.
"Fine," he says.
Yanagi invites Yagyuu too. He doesn't tell Niou this and he doesn't tell Yagyuu this either. Niou walks to the bus stop and waits. Boys shower after girls, thanks to Yukimura's rules. Niou wonders if Yukimura really prefers waiting for Sanada, but Niou says nothing. He scuffs his sneaker. A hot breeze ruffles his school skirt. He picks at his underpants.
Yanagi and Yagyuu walk up behind him. Yagyuu turns white. Yanagi offers a small wave, like the Queen of England.
We are not amused, Niou thinks.
"You want to see me that much?" Niou calls out. Yagyuu stops covering his eyes with his hand. He scowls, but he stares at the pavement. Niou makes a noise. He says, "Puri!" He jiggles his boobs and sways his hips. Yagyuu refuses to look at him.
"I should leave," Yagyuu tells Yanagi.
"You said you didn't understand the trigonometry very well," Yanagi says. "We can help."
"No…" Yagyuu says.
The bus pulls up.
Each moment that Yagyuu hesitates to get onto the bus, Niou balls his fist tighter. The bus stop number crumples between his fingers. They are sweaty and creak. Yanagi gets onto the bus. Niou sits down in a single-seater. He presses his thighs together.
Why do you hate me, Yagyuu? He wants to scream.
Yagyuu gets onto the bus.
Niou smiles. But the twisted lump in his guts doesn't go away.
***
They are studying at Niou's house. His mom is downstairs. Niou doesn't mind the bras hanging off his desk chair or the open box of tampons on his bookshelf. Yagyuu is a shade of green. Yanagi raises his eyebrows and says nothing.
Strains of old songs filter in from the kitchen radio. Niou lays on his futon on his stomach. His breasts squish together. He leans on his elbow. Yagyuu's pen stops. Yanagi turns a page in the textbook.
Niou rolls onto his back. He touches the top of his chest. His collarbone sticks out and he drags a finger along the ridge. Yagyuu chokes. Yanagi turns another page in the textbook and asks, "What did you get for question eight, part c?"
Time drips into that indeterminate hour, before supper, but after school. Niou has nothing better to do than lounge. He finished his work in class.
He sighs. His breasts move. Inside, Niou frowns. He hates these new hips. His tail bone aches from lying this way. But it bothers Yagyuu, so he does it anyway. Niou lifts a leg and stretches it out. His skirt rides up his thigh. He stares at the skin. He hasn’t shaved in weeks. No one notices the prickly little hairs.
It makes him feel like a guy to have them. Then Niou looks down and sees the skirt again. He purses his lips.
Niou trails his fingers on the inside of his thigh. Yanagi's head is bowed over the homework. Yagyuu keeps glancing up. He refuses Niou's flickering gaze, but his eyes drift and drink over Niou's legs. He must be able to see the panties Niou is wearing today. Niou picked them out this morning. They were at the top of his laundry pile and nothing special. Now, Niou's fingers dance across the soft yellow lace band on the top of his thigh.
Do you like that, Yagyuu?
Maybe his smile is lazy and catlike outside, but inside, Niou's heart is hard. It thumps on his ribs in an irregular rhythm. Through slitted eyes, Niou watches Yagyuu try-and fail-to avoid looking at him. Niou shifts his hips. He touches his panties, then his fingers move across the mound of his cunt. Yagyuu chokes.
Yanagi looks up.
Niou snatches his hand away. He looks at Yanagi. "Data Man?"
Yanagi checks his watch. "I should go," he says. "I need to be home for supper."
Niou nods. "Cool. See ya."
Yagyuu stands up, too. Yanagi says, "Why don't you stay and finish, Hiroshi?" he asks. Yagyuu's shoulders drop, but his back is to Niou. Niou cannot see Yagyuu's expression until Yanagi closes Niou's bedroom doorway behind himself.
Then Niou's mom shouts up to them, "I'm going out to Daiei to buy supper. Masaharu, Yagyuu-kun is welcome to stay."
The front door closes once. Yanagi and Niou's mom leave. There is nothing but Niou and Yagyuu and the haunting sound of Kyu Sakamoto from the radio that his mom must have left switched on.
Yagyuu still faces the doorway. He presses a palm to the frame. His back heaves with a silent sigh.
"Hey," Niou says. He sits up on his futon. The cover is sweaty from his body. Niou fixes his skirt, then he pushes it back up. Without Yanagi here, Niou cups his cunt through his panties. He moans a little. Like that, Yagyuu? He glares at Yagyuu's stiff back.
Yagyuu's hand slides down the doorframe.
Niou whistles along with the music downstairs. "But tonight I'm all alone…" he whispers under his breath. He touches his thigh and his cunt. Little electric pulses ripple through his belly when Yagyuu hisses. Niou cups his breasts, too, and unbuttons the top button of his uniform t-shirt. The air conditioning isn't on, but Niou's nipples are hard and aching. Niou rubs them through his shirt. He closes his eyes. His palm doesn't do much except make him hornier.
Niou sighs again. Why do you hate me, Yagyuu? he thinks. The music keeps playing. Yagyuu's footsteps creak. Niou looks up through heavy eyelids.
His eyes go wide when he sees the expression on Yagyuu's face.
Niou moves to sit up the whole way. He starts to take his hand off his stomach. Yagyuu is faster. Yagyuu throws his glasses off. His lip curls up and he shoves Niou down. His face is in Niou's. Niou's heart pounds. He squeezes his legs shut and pants.
"What are you-"
Yagyuu forces Niou down. Niou hits Yagyuu's arms. Yagyuu stuffs a knee between Niou's legs. "Stop-teasing-ME!" Yagyuu seethes. Spit flies into Niou's face. So does Yagyuu's mouth. Yagyuu's kiss is cruel and cold. Niou jerks back. Yagyuu bites Niou's jaw.
"Stop!" Niou shouts.
No one else is home.
No one else can hear.
It doesn't matter if Niou hits Yagyuu in the shoulder. Niou is weaker. Yagyuu is heavier. Yagyuu is hard. Niou gasps when he feels Yagyuu's erection on his leg. He freezes. He stops breathing. Niou shakes his head. He whispers, "No", but his voice is so small that Yagyuu doesn't hear. The sound of Niou's shirt ripping is too loud. It cuts the air between them.
Niou squirms. Niou tries to wiggle away. Yagyuu is on top of him and burning hot with a desire for something Niou doesn't want to think about.
It's his fault, really.
He shouldn't have teased Yagyuu.
Yagyuu pushes Niou's bra away, but he doesn't take it off. The cups are yanked to the sides and his breasts spill out. Niou shouts. Yagyuu bites them. Niou shakes. Yagyuu drags his teeth over Niou's nipples. Niou punches Yagyuu on the shoulder. His back arches. He's wet between the legs but he doesn't want this.
Yagyuu scares him. His eyes are black and hooded. His hands are too quick. He holds Niou down with his weight and height and his throbbing dick. He shoves Niou's skirt up. Niou squeezes his thighs together. Yagyuu snarls and pushes them apart again. Niou makes a noise, like a sob. "Stop!" he moans. "Stop, Yagyuu-"
Yagyuu's dick is swollen and dark and dripping. Niou shakes his head. His wrists strain. Yagyuu's mouth is on his neck. His tongue is hot and slimy. Niou cringes. His chest heaves. His stomach tightens.
"No," he says.
Yagyuu has always been fast. He pushes inside, up to the hilt. Niou chokes. Yagyuu grunts. His face is on Niou's chest. He bares his teeth as he thrusts. Niou's body moves on its own. No! Niou screams inside. No! His cunt is wet, too wet-Yagyuu hurts.
Niou doesn't want this.
Niou didn't want this.
He opens his eyes as Yagyuu comes. Niou looks at the ceiling where the dust motes flicker through the last sunlight of the day. Yagyuu spills himself. His come fills Niou in the worst way. Niou holds his breath. The seconds drip like hours.
Yagyuu never even took his pants off all the way. Niou's panties are around his ankles. For a moment, Yagyuu slumps on top of Niou's body. Niou can't breath. His head swims. His body shivers.
Niou isn't the only one who shakes when Yagyuu pulls out. Yagyuu breathes hard, but his lips are white. He catches Niou's eye for the briefest second. Niou's eyes sting at the edges. Yagyuu reaches for his glasses with a blind hand. He fumbles. Niou lays there. Yagyuu's glasses brush his elbow. When Yagyuu finds them, Niou can feel the chill on Yagyuu's fingertips.
Yagyuu's lips move. Downstairs, the radio segues into a warbling enka song. Niou can hear the sound of their bodies slap together, and echo that mixes with Ue wo Muite Arukou.
"Niou-kun," Yagyuu whispers. His swallow is audible. "I'm so so-"
"Get out," Niou says.
***
His mom shouts, "Did Yagyuu-kun decide to go home for supper?" up the stairs.
Niou rolls over on his futon. He clutches his stomach. It cramps up again and he sucks in a breath. He says nothing. He can't get Yagyuu's face out of his mind. Yagyuu is on him, forcing his dick inside again and again, pushing and pulsing and shoving and grunting. His body is so heavy that Niou cannot breathe. He gags.
His mom knocks on his door. Niou doesn't move. His room is dark now. Homey sounds come up from the kitchen. His sister speaks. His father shuffles. His brother whines. His mom's rapping is gentle. Niou shakes. He pulls the futon cover over his head.
"Masaharu?" she asks.
Go away, Niou thinks. His eyes hurt. Someone is watching the news downstairs. Light seeps into his bedroom when his mom comes in. She says his name again. Niou's pillow is wet. He squeezes his eyes shut.
"Is everything okay?"
He's crying and he hates this. Niou tenses his body. His cunt feels wet and numb. He stiffens. There could be blood on his futon cover and his mother will ask about it. Niou is torn between flinging his cover off his body and yelling something, and huddling deeper in his cocoon. He hates this indecisiveness. He doesn't know what to do. Fuck!
If she finds out…
Niou shakes. Shame intensifies into a hard, blooming knot inside.
But she doesn't ask any questions. Niou waits for the explosion of silence. Niou waits for the tension to slice his belly deeper than Yagyuu has already done. But instead, he feels nothing except a warm, soft hand on his shoulder. His mom pats his arm through the futon cover.
"You know you can talk to me about any girl problems you have," she says. Niou sinks deeper. He opens his eyes, but he can't see anything beyond the cotton sheeting. "Masaharu."
Then, she leaves too.
Niou doesn't come down for the grilled unagi bought from the supermarket. His stomach growls and churns. He sits on his floor, in the dimness, and listens to the sound of the rain begin outside. It falls and the earth stings in a million places on impact.
***
Yagyuu sends eight messages. He leaves nine voicemails before Niou turns off his cellphone. The sound of Yagyuu's voice makes the bile build up in Niou's throat. He fights his way to the toilet. He leans over the bowl, but the puke never comes. Niou heaves. Strands of hair come loose from his pink elastic. They cling to the sweaty sides of his face.
By morning, Yagyuu has left twenty-five messages.
Niou doesn't sleep. Each time he closes his eyes, Yagyuu's bared teeth are behind his eyelids. Yagyuu's face twists more and more until he is unrecognizable. Niou is tiny and terrified. Yagyuu grows to five times his size. His cock rips Niou in half.
Niou wakes up in the middle of the night and his thighs are wet. When he flicks on the light, it's only sweat.
He doesn't sigh. All he can see underneath his body are the brown stains from before.
Niou's shoulders slump. He doesn't know what to think anymore.
***
The worst would be if anyone found out. Maybe if it were someone else who did this, some yakuza thug or a perverted old salaryman-it wouldn't be any better, but it wouldn't have been his friend either.
Niou puts on his skirt. He pulls on a pair of boxer shorts and he dabs makeup onto the purple bruise on the top of his breast. He brushes his hair. The reflection in the mirror stares at him with big, black eyes. Niou pulls at the corner of his mouth. It isn't a smirk, but it will do.
He says "Good morning" to Jackal on the bus. Inside, Niou shakes. He says "Hey, Fatty" to Marui at the school gates. Inside, Niou's chest is cold. He waves to Sanada and whispers "They should get a room" to Yanagi when Yukimura touches Sanada on the side. Inside, Niou is hollow. He forces himself not to feel a thing around his teammates.
Around Yagyuu, his knees wobble.
Yagyuu's eyes are bloodshot. He has a cowlick and he opens his mouth to speak. Niou tenses his jaw. Yagyuu walks up to him with careful, cautious steps. Marui is right behind them.
"Niou-kun…" Yagyuu whispers. His eyes waver.
Niou turns around. He shouts across the court and asks Yukimura for a one-set match.
He's going to lose today anyway.
***
Yagyuu says, "Good morning."
Niou ignores him.
***
The following morning, something drops from the shelf of Niou's locker. There is a note on folded paper on the floor beside his shoe. Beside that, there is a single rose.
The back of Niou's neck prickles. He glances over his shoulder. Half-hidden around the corner of a row of lockers is Yagyuu. His expression is blank, but his eyes are big and pleading.
Niou picks up the rose. He picks up the note, too. Yagyuu's throat bobs.
Niou walks down the hallway towards his classroom and towards Yagyuu. He stops. He throws the note and the rose into the rubbish bin and then he walks to his classroom.
In biology, they study the reproductive system. Niou draws heavy black lines across the diagram of the penis. Marui leans over and hisses, "Your hand is bleeding."
Niou looks down.
One of the thorns must have pricked his thumb.
Niou smears the blood across the diagram of the woman.
***
Autumn brings cold rain and a dripping sort of silence. Niou lays on his futon. His homework sits untouched in his bag. There is nothing, not even the sound of traffic tonight. The world has decided to go to bed early on a gloomy evening. Niou doesn't blame them. He has no desire to do anything. Even laying here is taxing.
Niou picks at his fingernails. He pulls at the hairs on his thighs. In the showers today after tennis practice, Sanada's legs were bare and smooth. He held hands with Yukimura when they walked home. Jackal rode his bike. Marui followed. Niou walked home alone.
His mom calls his name. Niou rolls onto his side. His hand rests against his hip. He closes his eyes. For a moment, there is a flash memory of Yagyuu's heavy weight and Yagyuu panting in his ear, like an animal, grunting and thrusting. Niou stiffens. His mom calls his name again.
Go away, Niou thinks. Shut the hell up!
"Your friend is here!" his mom says.
Niou clenches his jaw. After a beat, he shouts, "I'm doing homework!" His voice shakes behind his doorway. No one else notices. Rain drips down the metal pipes.
His mom stops calling his name after the fourth time. Niou half-listens to the excuse she gives Yagyuu. The front door closes. Cool air seeps through Niou's open window. It blows across his face, like a kiss.
"Masaharu," she says. Niou closes his eyes. She doesn't believe that he's asleep. A crinkling noise makes Niou crack an eye open. His mom sets down a bouquet of roses. The smell is faint and sweet. They are imported from someplace tropical, like Saipan or maybe Turkey. In the shadows of Niou's bedroom, the deep red petals look black.
"You can talk to me, you know," she says. She looks at the flowers and her lips move. "These are from Yagyuu-kun." She doesn't tell Niou to write a thank you card. She doesn't tell Niou to call him. She says nothing else.
Niou tries to stuff the entire bouquet into his trash bin. The crinkling sound of the unopened cellophane mixes with the rain. Niou curls his lip up.
The bouquet doesn't fit.
***
Each day, for one week, Yagyuu drops by Niou's house with a bouquet of flowers. Niou's mom places the flowers in vases around his room. Niou sneezes. He rips the petals out. He stuffs them in trash bags in the alley. Each day, more flowers appear. His room is a field of pink and white and yellow. No notes come with the bouquets.
Niou blocks Yagyuu's number on his cell. He doesn't know if Yagyuu tries to call or text him. He doesn't really care.
With no one else to hang around (Yanagi hangs out with whoever, but he's boring. Marui is a fat pervert and Sanada and Yukimura are always busy making eyes at each other and making Niou barf), Niou hangs out with Jackal. They hit the malls and underground arcades. They buy crepes and drink Starbucks and go back to the park behind Jackal's building to paint their toenails.
"I've always wanted to do this," Jackal confesses. He paints his toenails yellow. In the gleaming light from a park lamp post, his toes look golden where he messes the polish up.
Niou's toes are cold. It's stupid, but he likes the pointlessness. It makes the whole…issue with Yagyuu easier to swallow if he can forget that Yagyuu…
Niou closes his eyes. Across the park pathway, a single leaf finds a quivering, floating path in the damp air down to the ground. It's the first leaf to fall.
Niou says, "Pass the polish."
Jackal hands Niou a bottle. Niou unscrews the cap and takes the brush out. He paints one strip on his big toe and then he notices the colour. He freezes.
The bottle of green nail polish smashes on the pavement.
***
Niou brings a can of beer to school on Tuesday in the hopes it will make him a man again. He sits on the rooftop, behind the green house water trough. The insects have all died off with the first frost of the season. The cement ledge is cold.
Niou sits and drinks by himself. He looks out over the edge of the roof. Sanada and Yukimura are curled up under a tree. Yukimura holds Sanada's paw with one hand, and he bounces a ball with his racket in the other. Niou frowns. He swirls his beer around in the can. It tastes bitter and watery.
He falls asleep in Chemistry. Niou forgets to steal the magnesium strips they were burning.
Damn, he thinks. Marui packs up the magnesium and hands it to their teacher. "Here, sensei!" he says. Niou scratches the back of his head and yawns. Then, he narrows his eyes.
Damn you, Yagyuu!
***
Yagyuu doesn't ask Niou if he wants to practice together. Niou unbuttons his school shirt. He wanders around naked. He looks at Yagyuu. Yagyuu says something to Yukimura, then he leaves.
Niou pulls his t-shirt and his jacket on. For a moment, with his back to the team, he purses his lips. And then his stomach cramps up. Niou sucks in a breath. He leans over his middle and holds his side. He exhales and the sharp pain lets up.
Marui prances over to Jackal. "Wanna play, bay-bay?" he asks. His English accent is off. Niou opens his mouth, but a second stab cuts his belly and his knees wobble.
No one needs to know about this.
Niou knows the feeling of something wet and warm between his legs. He walks to the bathroom. He wants to run, but he won’t give up the illusion that this is all a joke.
He clings to the toilet seat. Niou curls up into a ball. Sanada bangs on the door. "Niou! What are you doing in there? You have laps!"
Fuck you, too, Niou thinks. "I'm taking a shit," he tells Sanada.
"You've been in there a half hour!"
"It's a big one," Niou says. If it wasn't for the cramps, it would almost be funny. He winces. He squeezes his eyes shut. He presses his knees together and rests his chin on his legs. The pain won't go away. Niou doesn't know how to make it stop. The physical pain combines with the ache in his chest and his body pulses, hurting and shaking. Sanada leaves. The bathroom is Niou's again.
He exhales. His breathing is shuddered and shallow. The fluorescent light flickers. Something dribbles into the toilet. The sound grates Niou's ears.
Daylight has faded by the time Niou peels his butt off the toilet. His insides have settled enough that he can walk without wincing. The clubhouse showers have turned on, and turned off. Lingering steam fills the air with warm dampness. Niou swims through it. He takes his t-shirt off and fans his chest. He looks at his breasts and his bra. He frowns. He cups them. The purple satin bra catches on his palms. Niou touches his nipples and they stiffen. It's nothing. He remembers Yagyuu's mouth on them. He remembers the marks Yagyuu left.
Niou yanks his hands away.
He changes into his school uniform. Everyone has left, but Yagyuu has forgotten his school bag.
Niou looks at it. The bottom is dusty. The strap is worn and there is a badge on the front. Niou pinned it there last year. It is yellow and says "I'm Shellfish". Niou bought it in Hiroshima on a family trip. Yagyuu didn't understand the joke.
Niou can't be bothered to kick Yagyuu's bag. It would be easy to send his school notes and textbooks flying across the room, or to burn them behind the school building. Instead, Niou shrugs. He grabs his bag and walks outside.
Niou stops. His eyes widen.
Niou follows the spidery, wavering hiragana until his eyes reach Yagyuu on the other side. Yagyuu pushes something that looks an awful lot like the chalk line maker the baseball team uses. He stops when he turns around. He looks straight at Niou.
His message is fifty feet high. It paints the green courts with words too big for Niou to destroy.
I'm sorr-
Yagyuu is half-way through the last character. Instead, he drops the chalk line maker. It makes a loud clang when it hits the ground.
The sound of Yagyuu's sneakers as he runs across the court to Niou is even louder.
Five feet from Niou, Yagyuu drops his bow to forty-five degrees.
"Please forgive me!" he says. His voice rises to a shout. "Please!"
For the longest time, Niou doesn't breathe. He looks at Yagyuu, who refuses to get up. Then Yagyuu drops to his knees in front of Niou. His back shudders, but he makes no sound. The first stars peek out behind an inky curtain. They flicker and move-maybe they are planes instead. Niou wishes that Yagyuu would get up and stop making this even more awkward.
Niou scuffs his shoe in the clay ground. A noise escapes from Yagyuu and he whips his head up. His glasses are smudged and greasy. He stands up on shaky knees. Niou takes a step back, but Yagyuu's stride is longer. Arms wrap around Niou. Yagyuu's hold is tight-too tight, maybe. Niou still can't breathe; his insides have frozen with an icy cold shiver.
But Yagyuu doesn't yank his skirt down. Yagyuu doesn't lick his neck or bite his tits. Yagyuu is tense and his lips pursed. His face is a ghostly white. His lips move and kiss Niou's name into the air.
"Please…" Yagyuu whispers. "Niou-kun…let me make things up to you…"
You forced me! Niou wants to scream. You pushed me down on my bed and fucking forced me!
Niou's mouth doesn't open. His throat closes up looking at Yagyuu like this. There are pained lines around Yagyuu's eyes. His hands are dusty and smell of chalk. His uniform is covered in chalk, too. It sprinkles onto Niou's like snow, or dandruff.
Niou's chest presses into Yagyuu's arm. His breasts are squashed. Niou glances down at them. Yagyuu only looks over his shoulder. "Niou…" he says, "Masaharu…"
Niou takes a deep breath, but his breasts jiggle. Yagyuu shifts his weight. He's hard-Niou knows this. He used to be the same way when Yagyuu would touch him. Niou tries to pull away. His stomach knots with fear. They are completely alone. The night is filled with no sounds, except the faint buzz from the floodlight overhead. The light makes Yagyuu's glasses gleam. It hides his eyes.
Niou can't read him like this.
"Why?" Niou mouths. Sound refuses to come. His tongue is woolen on the roof of his mouth.
Yagyuu's voice is hollow and weak. "I can't be around you and not have you," he says. The bushes behind the tennis bench rustle. Silence falls in a black sweep when the floodlight flickers to a halt. Yagyuu shifts his weight again. His erection hardens on Niou's thigh. Niou can almost feel Yagyuu's pulse throbbing. It's quick and forceful. Niou balls his fist, but Yagyuu still won't make any moves.
"You teased me," Yagyuu says.
How the hell do you think I can stand this?!? Niou's breasts flood with feeling. He can feel his nipples stiffen, brushed up on Yagyuu's chest. He can feel the night air cool on the swell of his chest where his shirt is unbuttoned. He can feel his ribs creak when Yagyuu tightens his arms.
"I'll do anything," Yagyuu says. There is something wet and new on Niou's shoulder. He looks up at the sky. Little droplets of rain stain the courts. They catch the night and the stars like diamonds. The bushes swish. Yagyuu's hair brushes the side of Niou's face. He leans into Niou. Their foreheads touch. Yagyuu is so close that Niou can taste the chalk on his lips.
Niou doesn't know if they kiss or not. He's not certain it really matters.
His insides slither and loosen. His legs give out. There is no illusion to hide behind tonight. Niou fails to even try.
"Stop sending the flowers," he mutters.
***
The flowers stop.