(no subject)
Title: Break a leg
Author: hpsauce
Word Count: 4083
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Sirius learns to put jealousy behind him when a unmeant wish comes true
Warnings: Some strong language, implied het
Author’s Notes: Ballet au for my au100 challenge.
I first met Remus John Lupin in the September of 1971. He had taken his audition in Birmingham and I in London, so we had not met before that day. The first I saw of him was the tiny figure on the other side of the studio, bent to secure his shoe. He had been a tiny child, with a natural elegance that I knew I could never achieve and that I hated him for.
“Hello,” he said, standing quickly and holding out a thin, tanned hand to shake my own. “I’m Remus Lupin. You can call me Remus though, I won’t mind.” His accent had been what you would expect from any Birmingham boy, although a lot more pleasant than I wished to believe. I took his hand grudgingly and squeezed it, so that he winced.
“Black,” I said sullenly. He laughed softly and shook his sandy blond hair from his eyes.
“Only Black,” he asked.
“To you,” I muttered. “Yes, just Black.”
His face had fallen, his beautiful eyes sweeping to the corner and he soon followed them, leaving me standing alone. His manner was such that as soon as he had walked to the crowds in the corner he was surrounded by smiling people, relieved to have found a friend in the large, imposing halls. I was hardly sorry that I had not had the pleasure.
A few minutes later a rather clumsy boy named James Potter bumped into me as he complete a pirouette, no doubt to impress the beautiful redhead behind him. She laughed cruelly and shook her head, walking to the corner with a cry of “Remus! I’m so glad to see you!” James and I became fast friends soon after.
~
I would love to say that I saw the error of my ways. That over the years that Remus and I studied and practised together I managed to see past my jealousy by myself, to realise what a sweet and kind boy he was. However, to say so would be a lie that I do not wish to tell. My jealousy only continued through my education, increasing each time he received a better part or get praise from a teacher. Within a year of meeting him I was tired of hearing how perfect his spotting was, how perfectly straight his back was, how perfectly spelt his Latin was. After seven years I had almost learned to hate him.
The problem with Remus Lupin, however, is that hating him has always been impossible. After each humiliating defeat in auditions and exams he would turn to me and smile and I would find myself smiling back, or offering my congratulation or even, worst of all, telling him how much he deserved it. That fact is that Remus Lupin was so sickeningly perfect that it was impossible to be cruel to him without the memory upon your conscience for the rest of your life.
In our second last year we were to perform a new ballet. Even now I forget its name. It was never to be a hit, having been written by some overpaid hack who knew very little about the public and what they would pay to see. Nonetheless, there was a part for a talented male dancer, and we both tried our best.
Remus won the part, of course. He carried out his same routine, the blush rising on his cheeks before he turned to me and smiled. “I can’t believe it,” he gushed, with a dazed look that made his outrageous statement seem almost true. “I mean. That spin you did-,” he demonstrated it now, but in a way that was probably as sickeningly perfect as most of the things he did. I tried my hardest to scowl and tell him to fuck off, instead I nodded politely before I left.
~
I found myself back in the flat James and I now shared. Lily Evans, the girl he had tried so hard to impress from our first day, was sat in the kitchen in one of his t-shirts and, I suspected, nothing else. She blushed crimson when I came in and then scrambled into James’ bedroom. The boy appeared a few moments later, pulling himself into his trousers as he walked.
“Hi, mate,” he muttered tiredly. He tried to glare but a satisfied smile kept spreading across his face that made it clear what he had been doing before my arrival. “So how did it go? Finally managed to beat Remus?”
My expression must have said it all because he shook his head and pushed me into a chair, opening the fridge lethargically, only looking up from where he was pouring drinks when Lily emerged from the bedroom, this time in a rather short skirt and a tight shirt. “Are you okay, Sirius?” she asked softly, slipping into the seat across from me.
“We were just told the casting,” I said softly. She sighed and placed her hand upon mine, giving me a soft smile. “I don’t know why you hate him so much. He really is so sweet and kind.” Her cheeks were flushed and she looked away, turning her face so James could not see it. He was still engrossed in boiling the kettle.
“You would really like him,” she continued softly. “Give him a chance. I used to really hate James, but now-,”
“I’m not going to shag Lupin!” I said harshly. Lily blushed and blinked in shock while James sniffed disapprovingly and glared at me.
Lily finally gave an uncomfortable giggle. “Just, y’know, go up to him, tell him to break a leg-,”
“I hope he bloody well does,” I muttered. “Maybe then he wouldn’t get a part on favour alone. The teachers bloody love the ponce. I bloody wish he would!”
Lily shook her head and stood, placing a kiss upon James’ cheek as she picked up her jacket from where it lay, crumpled on the counter. “I’ll see you at two, boys,” she said softly. “Don’t let yourself forget the time while you mope.”
She stormed out of the room, slamming the door behind her. I stared after her for a second before shrugging and looking at James with confusion. “She fancies him,” he said simply. “Worships the ground he walks on. Good thing he’s such a pouf or I’d be jealous.”
~
Remus had it all, it seemed. Even Lily Evans, who had quite the reputation as being untameable, had fallen for him. Damn, even I found it impossible to really hate him when he was present. He arrived for rehearsal early and pulled on his shoes, stretching out his legs and arms as he shot me beaming smiles.
“How are you?” he asked. I wondered if, somehow, he had managed to forget the seven years I had spent ignoring him. He still spoke to me as if we were good friends, not the rivals whose conversations had always been one-sided, mostly his side.
“I’m having a pretty good day,” he said brightly, stretching his leg back to touch the back of his head. I scowled. He was such a show-off. “Severus brought me some muffins for breakfast. I really like them, although I know I shouldn’t,” he patted a stomach that disappeared under the shadow of his slender chest. “Might as well spoil myself, eh? We’ve got a lot of work to do today.”
The lesson started as usual. Remus stood before me and turned and leaped and kicked perfectly. I scowled as I tried my hardest to better him. No matter how I tried I never leapt as high or kicked as beautifully or turned as many times without falling over. He grinned at me, raising an eyebrow in challenge before he started. He turned so many times I was sure he was going to fall then he leaped. I heard the crack a moment before I saw him fall to the floor.
I was to learn that I had got my wish. Remus had broken his leg and so he would be unable to perform. I had received the part myself. My lesson was cancelled and I returned to the flat, devoting the afternoon for lazing on the sofa and watching daytime television. Lessons began the next day at eleven and so I had the whole day and most of the night to myself. In the solitude (James was yet to arrive home) I felt guilt start to nag at my consciousness. What had I done to Remus Lupin?
~
Lessons began the next Monday with Remus in attendance. This time, however, he sat in the corner and shot me a smile that did not appear half as cheerful as his usual ones. His cheeks showed the pink lines of tears, he had obviously been crying quite hard before I arrived.
“How are you?” I asked. He gave a huge smile and shook his head, giving a small chuckle.
“Did you know,” he asked, “that’s the first time you’ve asked me in seven years. I’m okay. I received a bit of not-so-good news, actually. The National Ballet were interested in taking me, they wanted to see the performance.” Both our eyes flickered to his leg, now encased in white plaster. “Oh well,” he said gently. “What does it matter? Here I am moaning to you. It’s not like it’s your bloody fault.”
I shook my head, the guilt only increasing. The choreographer arrived and tutted at Remus, giving him a sympathetic look before turning to me. I worked hard. This was my one chance at having the spotlight, no doubt, and I wanted to prove myself worthy. I still allowed my concentration to wander every now and then, allowing my eyes to catch those of Remus, who gave me an encouraging beam as he watched with wide eyes.
~
It was a week later that I next saw Remus. Strangely enough, it was in the one place I did not expect to see him, my dining room. Lily gave me a Remus-strength smile as she pulled a bowl of pasta from the oven, placing it on the table before the other boy.
“I hope you don’t mind,” she said, sitting down next to Remus. “James is out and I didn’t want to dine alone. You’re welcome to join us.” She gestured to the empty chair and I found myself slipping into it. Remus Lupin’s company may not have been one of my favourite things, but Lily Evans made brilliant pasta.
“I’ve heard you’ve been doing brilliantly in rehearsals,” Lily said, looking between us nervously. “Remus says that he saw you on Monday. He says it was very good.” Remus kept his eyes fixed on his plate and held a fork of pasta just before his nose, deep in thought.
“I’m sure he can speak for himself,” I said harshly. Lily nodded quietly and looked at the tablecloth, an addition of hers. The silence at the table resumed as we each focused on our plates, not daring to talk to anyone else.
“Look,” Lily said. “I invited you so that I wouldn’t be alone. You have to speak to each other. It’s doing no one any good, you keeping silent and pretending the other doesn’t exist. At least attempt some bloody conversation, or you’re out on your bloody ears!”
“So,” Remus said nervous, eyes still focused on his plate and cheek flushed. “What music do you like, Sirius?”
It turned out Remus was as different from me as he could be, as I had expected. He liked swing music, music written before either of us had been born, adored Love Story, read Satre and Plato for fun and had never smoked, drank or been into a nightclub. He told me all this with an expression of wide-eyed innocence that made it all the more believable. He licked his lips several times per second and gave small bursts of nervous laughter whenever I mentioned rock music, a Clockwork Orange and marijuana. He was truly just as strange as I had always suspected.
~
Remus soon returned to his spot in the corner in my rehearsals. His smile quickly returned after a phone call from the National Ballet and, instead of moping, he decided to get as involved in the rehearsals as he could.
“Fuck!”
“Don’t drop her!”
“Easy enough for you to say. You’re not having to hold Alice over your head, are you?”
“You’re hands too high. She’s slipping.”
“No it’s not. It’s right.”
“For God’s sake. Move it…here!”
“Thanks.”
His advice, although always right, became an annoyance but, after a few weeks, it became an annoyance I was already used to. He grinned as he corrected me, no doubt enjoying his part as the bossy back-seat driver. He followed me through all the rehearsals until we reached the dress rehearsal, where I instead found him in the changing rooms.
~
“Break a leg,” he said gently, sitting on the end of the bench and giving me a wide smile. I nodded as I pulled on the jacket and stretched my arms in it. He fiddled with something in his pocket, looking down at his good foot, which swung quickly to and fro. “I’m glad you got the part,” he said quietly.
“You’d have preferred it to be you,” I said, finding my voice matching his volume. He gave a small laugh and shook his head. “Of course. We all wish to have the main part.” He looked down at his foot once again. “Okay,” he said. “Other than me, you’re the one person I really hoped would get it. Have fun.”
I turned, walking out of the room, listening as he whistled to himself. Then something broke inside me and I found myself facing him, my face red. “You think you’re so fucking great!” The words left my mouth before I even thought about them. Everything I had ever wanted to say to him suddenly burst forth in a great avalanche of words. “It’s not like you fucking earned any of the parts! Everyone just pities you because of your fucking poor parents. As if that has anything to do with anything! You always have to be so bloody perfect at everything, but God knows you don’t have any friends. You think you’re so great parading up and down with everyone slobbering all over you. Even now, with your bloody broken leg, everyone still thinks you’re the best, everyone still loves you. But I don’t. I wish you’d just fuck off and die! I fucking hate you!”
Remus stared at me for a second and I opened my mouth, meaning to apologise. He opened his mouth too and then closed it, getting onto his good foot and hobbling away at an amazing speed, leaning heavily on his crutch nonetheless.
“I’m sorry!” I cried after him, but he did not turn back. “I didn’t mean any of it. It all slipped out and it’s all crap! Come back, Remus! Please!”
~
The day only seemed to get worse after that. I tripped during the opening dance in the rehearsal and that, along with all the things I had said to Remus, made me too angry to concentrate. The director became angry with my ‘ugly’ movements and so they only grew worse as he grew angrier with me. Finally, he called me to one side and shook his head.
“Mr Black,” he muttered. “I’m going to have to call off rehearsal. We still have two days to go, although that is hardly anything, and I know you can dance beautifully. Work out whatever it is that is distracting you and making your dancing so goddamn awful and I’ll see you again tomorrow.”
I barely allowed myself breath as I pulled off my shoes and stuffed my feet in my trousers. I pulled my jeans on over my costume, only remembering to rip off my jacket as I felt through the main doors. I only realised once I had reached the end of the road that I really had no clue where Remus Lupin lived.
I had had to beg Lily for hours to give me his address. She was more than a little angry at me for upsetting him so much, although I could not recall what exactly had slipped out when I had screamed at him. She gave me the paper with it on with a warning look, and then an actual verbal warning of: ‘you hurt, you die,’ called out after me.
I arrived at Lupin’s flat hours after I had watched him limp away from me. I was slightly upset to see how composed his looked. I had expected my saying I hated him to have upset him more, but instead he looked at me with a pale but dry face, lit with an angry scowl, the first I had ever seen on him.
“What do you want?” he asked. The tone did not suit him. I had never seen him even annoyed before, but this was undisguised anger. “If Lily’s given you some order to come and apologise then tell her I’m flattered, but not interested.”
“I didn’t need Lily,” I said gently, pushing open the door. He leaned heavily upon the frame, giving me a disbelieving look. “I came to apologise on my own. I was stupid and cruel. I lied. I don’t hate you at all. How could anyone hate you?”
“You tell me,” he said. He lifted his crutch and limped back to his sofa, sitting down on it and nodding for me to close the door. “Do you want some chocolate?” He held out the tray and then shook his head. “Probably not. You’ve got a performance coming up. You’ve got better things to do than get fat.”
He popped one chocolate in his mouth and grinned, looking at me expectantly. I walked closer into the room, taking in the dull beige that appeared to cover everything he owned. He ran a hand through his hair and sighed, throwing his head back and staring at the ceiling.
“Thank you,” he said finally, giving me a small smile. “I needed some help on getting my head back out of the clouds. No matter what you do, it’s always so wonderful. Even when you say you hate me.”
“I didn’t mean it,” I said awkwardly. His eyes appeared to be lit with an insane fire and for a moment I was afraid that he was going to scream or hit me. Instead he just looked at me with those mad, amber eyes and then he shook his head calmly.
“Sirius, I was a fool,” he said softly, standing up so that he could face me. He let one hand rest on my arm as he steadied himself and then he smiled. “I let you hurt me over nothing. I just always wished that you would-,”
Then suddenly it made sense to me. The way he had blushed when he looked at me, how he had hardly dared to breathe at dinner, how he was always so complimentary of everything I did. He stared hard into my eyes, his brows knitted and when he spoke his voice was very soft and low. “You said you didn’t hate me. It seems you may have lied,” he smiled. “No matter. I’m coming to see the show whether you want me there or not. I always loved to watch you dance.”
It was as if my legs finally got the message from my feet and I was spurred into action. I ran from the room, slamming the door behind me. I did not even look up until I was three blocks from his flat, almost at my own. I slammed my bedroom door when I arrived and locked it, ignoring James’ irritated sigh and Lily’s soft questioning.
~
Remus did not arrive at any of the final rehearsals and I did not see him until the actual night. He was sat close to the curtain, face peering out at the crowd through a gap in the fabric, the golden glow of the lights shining unto his beautiful face. He really was beautiful, I realised now. Even then, when his face was so pale and his eyes so large and tired. He did not look up from his task until the music had started and the curtains had been drawn.
I danced my hardest and my best that night. I could feel his eyes on me stronger than the entire theatre’s together and I knew I had to show him I was sorry. I could still see his eyes, soft and broken, in my mind and I danced with them before me. I did not stop, I did not think.
The fall of the curtain took me by surprise.
He was already leaving by the time I found my way through the crowd. I knew that he would escape before I could reach him. For once, however, luck was on my side. A glamorously dressed woman grabbed his arm and muttered something to him, making his face light up. I hurried towards them.
“Remus,” I breathed, drawing close to him. He did not look up, so absorbed in his conversation. I reached out and grabbed his arm. He flinched, ripping his arm from my grip. His stare was hard and cold. “Remus.” I repeated, trying to put all the ‘I’m sorry’s and all the ‘I want to love you’s into that one word.
“This must be our star,” the woman said, with a large smile, grasping my arm as she had Remus’. “I wish for you to come along aswell. I was very much impressed by your performance tonight, Mr Black.”
“Thank you,” I said. I had been congratulated a hundred times. It had begun to become tiresome. “Could I borrow Remus for a moment?” I asked. She smiled and I dragged the boy away until we were back in the green room.
“What are you doing?” he asked angrily. “Do you even know who-,?”
I didn’t care who the woman was. I would not have stepped back into the hall for any woman that evening, not even my own mother, not even the Queen. I wrapped my arm around his waist, pulling him closer to me, and pressed my lips to his own. I was surprised by how easily he joined me, his hands reaching back and grabbing hold of the edges of my hair, too long I was often told, but just long enough for Remus to hold.
“I love you,” he breathed, his eyes half-lidded, his mouth wide open. His arms, already clinging to me tightly as he tried to sty upright, now grasped even harder, willing me so hard to return the words.
“I could never hate you,” I said quietly, kissing him again. He did not argue but, then again, I doubt he could have if he tried.
~
Ten years have passed since that evening. We joined the National Ballet a year later, upon leaving school. Remus had healed well enough for him to return to his former glory and he soared. Today, he is famous, and I have become resigned to only getting the limelight when I am not beside him.
“Sirius!”
It’s one in the morning and I have been waiting for him, half-asleep. I had not quite expected him to come home. I have become very talented in Remus-watching over the years. I know when he lands wrong better than the most amazing ballet appreciator in the world. It is evident he is not at his best when he throws the bag down on the bed, not bouncing around the house instead.
“You shouldn’t wait up for me,” he said softly, climbing onto the bed next to me. He shifts uncomfortably, stretching slowly across the bed, his eyes closed in pleasure. I smile at him, closing my eyes and waiting for him to turn off the lights and come to bed.
“You were watching again,” It isn’t a question, if it were; it would be a stupid one. I nod and reach out an arm, wrapping it slowly around his tiny waist.
“It looked painful.”
“I’m getting old.”
“Hardly,” I mutter with a chuckle. He switches off the light and lays down beside me, placing a soft kiss on my cheek.
“Thank you.” he says, fidgeting slightly as he settles, his chest falling comfortably onto my chest. “I really do love you, y’know?”
“I know.”
Author: hpsauce
Word Count: 4083
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Sirius learns to put jealousy behind him when a unmeant wish comes true
Warnings: Some strong language, implied het
Author’s Notes: Ballet au for my au100 challenge.
I first met Remus John Lupin in the September of 1971. He had taken his audition in Birmingham and I in London, so we had not met before that day. The first I saw of him was the tiny figure on the other side of the studio, bent to secure his shoe. He had been a tiny child, with a natural elegance that I knew I could never achieve and that I hated him for.
“Hello,” he said, standing quickly and holding out a thin, tanned hand to shake my own. “I’m Remus Lupin. You can call me Remus though, I won’t mind.” His accent had been what you would expect from any Birmingham boy, although a lot more pleasant than I wished to believe. I took his hand grudgingly and squeezed it, so that he winced.
“Black,” I said sullenly. He laughed softly and shook his sandy blond hair from his eyes.
“Only Black,” he asked.
“To you,” I muttered. “Yes, just Black.”
His face had fallen, his beautiful eyes sweeping to the corner and he soon followed them, leaving me standing alone. His manner was such that as soon as he had walked to the crowds in the corner he was surrounded by smiling people, relieved to have found a friend in the large, imposing halls. I was hardly sorry that I had not had the pleasure.
A few minutes later a rather clumsy boy named James Potter bumped into me as he complete a pirouette, no doubt to impress the beautiful redhead behind him. She laughed cruelly and shook her head, walking to the corner with a cry of “Remus! I’m so glad to see you!” James and I became fast friends soon after.
~
I would love to say that I saw the error of my ways. That over the years that Remus and I studied and practised together I managed to see past my jealousy by myself, to realise what a sweet and kind boy he was. However, to say so would be a lie that I do not wish to tell. My jealousy only continued through my education, increasing each time he received a better part or get praise from a teacher. Within a year of meeting him I was tired of hearing how perfect his spotting was, how perfectly straight his back was, how perfectly spelt his Latin was. After seven years I had almost learned to hate him.
The problem with Remus Lupin, however, is that hating him has always been impossible. After each humiliating defeat in auditions and exams he would turn to me and smile and I would find myself smiling back, or offering my congratulation or even, worst of all, telling him how much he deserved it. That fact is that Remus Lupin was so sickeningly perfect that it was impossible to be cruel to him without the memory upon your conscience for the rest of your life.
In our second last year we were to perform a new ballet. Even now I forget its name. It was never to be a hit, having been written by some overpaid hack who knew very little about the public and what they would pay to see. Nonetheless, there was a part for a talented male dancer, and we both tried our best.
Remus won the part, of course. He carried out his same routine, the blush rising on his cheeks before he turned to me and smiled. “I can’t believe it,” he gushed, with a dazed look that made his outrageous statement seem almost true. “I mean. That spin you did-,” he demonstrated it now, but in a way that was probably as sickeningly perfect as most of the things he did. I tried my hardest to scowl and tell him to fuck off, instead I nodded politely before I left.
~
I found myself back in the flat James and I now shared. Lily Evans, the girl he had tried so hard to impress from our first day, was sat in the kitchen in one of his t-shirts and, I suspected, nothing else. She blushed crimson when I came in and then scrambled into James’ bedroom. The boy appeared a few moments later, pulling himself into his trousers as he walked.
“Hi, mate,” he muttered tiredly. He tried to glare but a satisfied smile kept spreading across his face that made it clear what he had been doing before my arrival. “So how did it go? Finally managed to beat Remus?”
My expression must have said it all because he shook his head and pushed me into a chair, opening the fridge lethargically, only looking up from where he was pouring drinks when Lily emerged from the bedroom, this time in a rather short skirt and a tight shirt. “Are you okay, Sirius?” she asked softly, slipping into the seat across from me.
“We were just told the casting,” I said softly. She sighed and placed her hand upon mine, giving me a soft smile. “I don’t know why you hate him so much. He really is so sweet and kind.” Her cheeks were flushed and she looked away, turning her face so James could not see it. He was still engrossed in boiling the kettle.
“You would really like him,” she continued softly. “Give him a chance. I used to really hate James, but now-,”
“I’m not going to shag Lupin!” I said harshly. Lily blushed and blinked in shock while James sniffed disapprovingly and glared at me.
Lily finally gave an uncomfortable giggle. “Just, y’know, go up to him, tell him to break a leg-,”
“I hope he bloody well does,” I muttered. “Maybe then he wouldn’t get a part on favour alone. The teachers bloody love the ponce. I bloody wish he would!”
Lily shook her head and stood, placing a kiss upon James’ cheek as she picked up her jacket from where it lay, crumpled on the counter. “I’ll see you at two, boys,” she said softly. “Don’t let yourself forget the time while you mope.”
She stormed out of the room, slamming the door behind her. I stared after her for a second before shrugging and looking at James with confusion. “She fancies him,” he said simply. “Worships the ground he walks on. Good thing he’s such a pouf or I’d be jealous.”
~
Remus had it all, it seemed. Even Lily Evans, who had quite the reputation as being untameable, had fallen for him. Damn, even I found it impossible to really hate him when he was present. He arrived for rehearsal early and pulled on his shoes, stretching out his legs and arms as he shot me beaming smiles.
“How are you?” he asked. I wondered if, somehow, he had managed to forget the seven years I had spent ignoring him. He still spoke to me as if we were good friends, not the rivals whose conversations had always been one-sided, mostly his side.
“I’m having a pretty good day,” he said brightly, stretching his leg back to touch the back of his head. I scowled. He was such a show-off. “Severus brought me some muffins for breakfast. I really like them, although I know I shouldn’t,” he patted a stomach that disappeared under the shadow of his slender chest. “Might as well spoil myself, eh? We’ve got a lot of work to do today.”
The lesson started as usual. Remus stood before me and turned and leaped and kicked perfectly. I scowled as I tried my hardest to better him. No matter how I tried I never leapt as high or kicked as beautifully or turned as many times without falling over. He grinned at me, raising an eyebrow in challenge before he started. He turned so many times I was sure he was going to fall then he leaped. I heard the crack a moment before I saw him fall to the floor.
I was to learn that I had got my wish. Remus had broken his leg and so he would be unable to perform. I had received the part myself. My lesson was cancelled and I returned to the flat, devoting the afternoon for lazing on the sofa and watching daytime television. Lessons began the next day at eleven and so I had the whole day and most of the night to myself. In the solitude (James was yet to arrive home) I felt guilt start to nag at my consciousness. What had I done to Remus Lupin?
~
Lessons began the next Monday with Remus in attendance. This time, however, he sat in the corner and shot me a smile that did not appear half as cheerful as his usual ones. His cheeks showed the pink lines of tears, he had obviously been crying quite hard before I arrived.
“How are you?” I asked. He gave a huge smile and shook his head, giving a small chuckle.
“Did you know,” he asked, “that’s the first time you’ve asked me in seven years. I’m okay. I received a bit of not-so-good news, actually. The National Ballet were interested in taking me, they wanted to see the performance.” Both our eyes flickered to his leg, now encased in white plaster. “Oh well,” he said gently. “What does it matter? Here I am moaning to you. It’s not like it’s your bloody fault.”
I shook my head, the guilt only increasing. The choreographer arrived and tutted at Remus, giving him a sympathetic look before turning to me. I worked hard. This was my one chance at having the spotlight, no doubt, and I wanted to prove myself worthy. I still allowed my concentration to wander every now and then, allowing my eyes to catch those of Remus, who gave me an encouraging beam as he watched with wide eyes.
~
It was a week later that I next saw Remus. Strangely enough, it was in the one place I did not expect to see him, my dining room. Lily gave me a Remus-strength smile as she pulled a bowl of pasta from the oven, placing it on the table before the other boy.
“I hope you don’t mind,” she said, sitting down next to Remus. “James is out and I didn’t want to dine alone. You’re welcome to join us.” She gestured to the empty chair and I found myself slipping into it. Remus Lupin’s company may not have been one of my favourite things, but Lily Evans made brilliant pasta.
“I’ve heard you’ve been doing brilliantly in rehearsals,” Lily said, looking between us nervously. “Remus says that he saw you on Monday. He says it was very good.” Remus kept his eyes fixed on his plate and held a fork of pasta just before his nose, deep in thought.
“I’m sure he can speak for himself,” I said harshly. Lily nodded quietly and looked at the tablecloth, an addition of hers. The silence at the table resumed as we each focused on our plates, not daring to talk to anyone else.
“Look,” Lily said. “I invited you so that I wouldn’t be alone. You have to speak to each other. It’s doing no one any good, you keeping silent and pretending the other doesn’t exist. At least attempt some bloody conversation, or you’re out on your bloody ears!”
“So,” Remus said nervous, eyes still focused on his plate and cheek flushed. “What music do you like, Sirius?”
It turned out Remus was as different from me as he could be, as I had expected. He liked swing music, music written before either of us had been born, adored Love Story, read Satre and Plato for fun and had never smoked, drank or been into a nightclub. He told me all this with an expression of wide-eyed innocence that made it all the more believable. He licked his lips several times per second and gave small bursts of nervous laughter whenever I mentioned rock music, a Clockwork Orange and marijuana. He was truly just as strange as I had always suspected.
~
Remus soon returned to his spot in the corner in my rehearsals. His smile quickly returned after a phone call from the National Ballet and, instead of moping, he decided to get as involved in the rehearsals as he could.
“Fuck!”
“Don’t drop her!”
“Easy enough for you to say. You’re not having to hold Alice over your head, are you?”
“You’re hands too high. She’s slipping.”
“No it’s not. It’s right.”
“For God’s sake. Move it…here!”
“Thanks.”
His advice, although always right, became an annoyance but, after a few weeks, it became an annoyance I was already used to. He grinned as he corrected me, no doubt enjoying his part as the bossy back-seat driver. He followed me through all the rehearsals until we reached the dress rehearsal, where I instead found him in the changing rooms.
~
“Break a leg,” he said gently, sitting on the end of the bench and giving me a wide smile. I nodded as I pulled on the jacket and stretched my arms in it. He fiddled with something in his pocket, looking down at his good foot, which swung quickly to and fro. “I’m glad you got the part,” he said quietly.
“You’d have preferred it to be you,” I said, finding my voice matching his volume. He gave a small laugh and shook his head. “Of course. We all wish to have the main part.” He looked down at his foot once again. “Okay,” he said. “Other than me, you’re the one person I really hoped would get it. Have fun.”
I turned, walking out of the room, listening as he whistled to himself. Then something broke inside me and I found myself facing him, my face red. “You think you’re so fucking great!” The words left my mouth before I even thought about them. Everything I had ever wanted to say to him suddenly burst forth in a great avalanche of words. “It’s not like you fucking earned any of the parts! Everyone just pities you because of your fucking poor parents. As if that has anything to do with anything! You always have to be so bloody perfect at everything, but God knows you don’t have any friends. You think you’re so great parading up and down with everyone slobbering all over you. Even now, with your bloody broken leg, everyone still thinks you’re the best, everyone still loves you. But I don’t. I wish you’d just fuck off and die! I fucking hate you!”
Remus stared at me for a second and I opened my mouth, meaning to apologise. He opened his mouth too and then closed it, getting onto his good foot and hobbling away at an amazing speed, leaning heavily on his crutch nonetheless.
“I’m sorry!” I cried after him, but he did not turn back. “I didn’t mean any of it. It all slipped out and it’s all crap! Come back, Remus! Please!”
~
The day only seemed to get worse after that. I tripped during the opening dance in the rehearsal and that, along with all the things I had said to Remus, made me too angry to concentrate. The director became angry with my ‘ugly’ movements and so they only grew worse as he grew angrier with me. Finally, he called me to one side and shook his head.
“Mr Black,” he muttered. “I’m going to have to call off rehearsal. We still have two days to go, although that is hardly anything, and I know you can dance beautifully. Work out whatever it is that is distracting you and making your dancing so goddamn awful and I’ll see you again tomorrow.”
I barely allowed myself breath as I pulled off my shoes and stuffed my feet in my trousers. I pulled my jeans on over my costume, only remembering to rip off my jacket as I felt through the main doors. I only realised once I had reached the end of the road that I really had no clue where Remus Lupin lived.
I had had to beg Lily for hours to give me his address. She was more than a little angry at me for upsetting him so much, although I could not recall what exactly had slipped out when I had screamed at him. She gave me the paper with it on with a warning look, and then an actual verbal warning of: ‘you hurt, you die,’ called out after me.
I arrived at Lupin’s flat hours after I had watched him limp away from me. I was slightly upset to see how composed his looked. I had expected my saying I hated him to have upset him more, but instead he looked at me with a pale but dry face, lit with an angry scowl, the first I had ever seen on him.
“What do you want?” he asked. The tone did not suit him. I had never seen him even annoyed before, but this was undisguised anger. “If Lily’s given you some order to come and apologise then tell her I’m flattered, but not interested.”
“I didn’t need Lily,” I said gently, pushing open the door. He leaned heavily upon the frame, giving me a disbelieving look. “I came to apologise on my own. I was stupid and cruel. I lied. I don’t hate you at all. How could anyone hate you?”
“You tell me,” he said. He lifted his crutch and limped back to his sofa, sitting down on it and nodding for me to close the door. “Do you want some chocolate?” He held out the tray and then shook his head. “Probably not. You’ve got a performance coming up. You’ve got better things to do than get fat.”
He popped one chocolate in his mouth and grinned, looking at me expectantly. I walked closer into the room, taking in the dull beige that appeared to cover everything he owned. He ran a hand through his hair and sighed, throwing his head back and staring at the ceiling.
“Thank you,” he said finally, giving me a small smile. “I needed some help on getting my head back out of the clouds. No matter what you do, it’s always so wonderful. Even when you say you hate me.”
“I didn’t mean it,” I said awkwardly. His eyes appeared to be lit with an insane fire and for a moment I was afraid that he was going to scream or hit me. Instead he just looked at me with those mad, amber eyes and then he shook his head calmly.
“Sirius, I was a fool,” he said softly, standing up so that he could face me. He let one hand rest on my arm as he steadied himself and then he smiled. “I let you hurt me over nothing. I just always wished that you would-,”
Then suddenly it made sense to me. The way he had blushed when he looked at me, how he had hardly dared to breathe at dinner, how he was always so complimentary of everything I did. He stared hard into my eyes, his brows knitted and when he spoke his voice was very soft and low. “You said you didn’t hate me. It seems you may have lied,” he smiled. “No matter. I’m coming to see the show whether you want me there or not. I always loved to watch you dance.”
It was as if my legs finally got the message from my feet and I was spurred into action. I ran from the room, slamming the door behind me. I did not even look up until I was three blocks from his flat, almost at my own. I slammed my bedroom door when I arrived and locked it, ignoring James’ irritated sigh and Lily’s soft questioning.
~
Remus did not arrive at any of the final rehearsals and I did not see him until the actual night. He was sat close to the curtain, face peering out at the crowd through a gap in the fabric, the golden glow of the lights shining unto his beautiful face. He really was beautiful, I realised now. Even then, when his face was so pale and his eyes so large and tired. He did not look up from his task until the music had started and the curtains had been drawn.
I danced my hardest and my best that night. I could feel his eyes on me stronger than the entire theatre’s together and I knew I had to show him I was sorry. I could still see his eyes, soft and broken, in my mind and I danced with them before me. I did not stop, I did not think.
The fall of the curtain took me by surprise.
He was already leaving by the time I found my way through the crowd. I knew that he would escape before I could reach him. For once, however, luck was on my side. A glamorously dressed woman grabbed his arm and muttered something to him, making his face light up. I hurried towards them.
“Remus,” I breathed, drawing close to him. He did not look up, so absorbed in his conversation. I reached out and grabbed his arm. He flinched, ripping his arm from my grip. His stare was hard and cold. “Remus.” I repeated, trying to put all the ‘I’m sorry’s and all the ‘I want to love you’s into that one word.
“This must be our star,” the woman said, with a large smile, grasping my arm as she had Remus’. “I wish for you to come along aswell. I was very much impressed by your performance tonight, Mr Black.”
“Thank you,” I said. I had been congratulated a hundred times. It had begun to become tiresome. “Could I borrow Remus for a moment?” I asked. She smiled and I dragged the boy away until we were back in the green room.
“What are you doing?” he asked angrily. “Do you even know who-,?”
I didn’t care who the woman was. I would not have stepped back into the hall for any woman that evening, not even my own mother, not even the Queen. I wrapped my arm around his waist, pulling him closer to me, and pressed my lips to his own. I was surprised by how easily he joined me, his hands reaching back and grabbing hold of the edges of my hair, too long I was often told, but just long enough for Remus to hold.
“I love you,” he breathed, his eyes half-lidded, his mouth wide open. His arms, already clinging to me tightly as he tried to sty upright, now grasped even harder, willing me so hard to return the words.
“I could never hate you,” I said quietly, kissing him again. He did not argue but, then again, I doubt he could have if he tried.
~
Ten years have passed since that evening. We joined the National Ballet a year later, upon leaving school. Remus had healed well enough for him to return to his former glory and he soared. Today, he is famous, and I have become resigned to only getting the limelight when I am not beside him.
“Sirius!”
It’s one in the morning and I have been waiting for him, half-asleep. I had not quite expected him to come home. I have become very talented in Remus-watching over the years. I know when he lands wrong better than the most amazing ballet appreciator in the world. It is evident he is not at his best when he throws the bag down on the bed, not bouncing around the house instead.
“You shouldn’t wait up for me,” he said softly, climbing onto the bed next to me. He shifts uncomfortably, stretching slowly across the bed, his eyes closed in pleasure. I smile at him, closing my eyes and waiting for him to turn off the lights and come to bed.
“You were watching again,” It isn’t a question, if it were; it would be a stupid one. I nod and reach out an arm, wrapping it slowly around his tiny waist.
“It looked painful.”
“I’m getting old.”
“Hardly,” I mutter with a chuckle. He switches off the light and lays down beside me, placing a soft kiss on my cheek.
“Thank you.” he says, fidgeting slightly as he settles, his chest falling comfortably onto my chest. “I really do love you, y’know?”
“I know.”