damn the dark, damn the light
How can I go from such euphoria to such despair so quickly? From feeling so not alone to feeling so alone? From feeling so solid and stable to feeling so melted and shaky?
My life's not supposed to be like this...
Wednesday I went to the psychiatrist. Dr. Aponte. I can't decide what I think of her, but if I was forced to choose, I'd say I don't particularly care for her. She says I have a lot of anxiety and she prescribed Paxil for it. I refuse to take it. I hate the idea of it. It make me feel like this woman has given up on me before she's even given me a chance to fix myself with therapy or any other means. My mom agrees with my decision though. I love her. Dr. Aponte also perscribed Ambien, as I'm sure you saw, for sleep. Ha! It's the devil and I love it. Thursday I had detention again for skipping all of gov't last week. At least it was productive, eh? Last night I saw Eric. I told him a fib: I have a boyfriend. Maybe I shouldn't have... I know I'm gonna regret it when I want some from him. *shrug* Oh well. Ditched him to hang out with Lucas for a while. We saw Codi and Jonny and Chris at Diedrich. It was rather nice. At about 10:30 we headed over to Jessica's. On the way there I needed to stop for gas and we saw a man that made me giggle. He told Lucas to keep it in his pants. Then he gave him carnations. I got one and so did Jessica. :) Talked at Jessica's for a while. Jessica was on TV for about .00234739 seconds.
*sigh*
I feel the sudden and overwhelming need to apologize to everyone for everything I've done and haven't done. And thank them, too. Man. Here I go.
*DISCLAIMER*
If you read something here and it's not addressed to you I will take no responsibility for it. I'm not in any way saying you shouldn't read what's not addressed to you, only that I won't bear any burden for it.
Matt (intothepit)- I'm sorry if I couldn't stay your innocence. I'm sorry if what was inside of me that you loved died or was shattered. I'm sorry that I couldn't uphold what is me and I'm sorry you had/have to see that. Thank you for seeing me in such ethereal light, even when that's not how I see myself.
Laur-Laur (laurenfluffy)- I'm sorry I haven't had time lately. Believe me when I say it's not you. I've just been swamped with... life. And I'm beginning to feel it in more ways than I can describe. You're my partner in crime and I will always, always treasure that. Thanks.
Skippy (cdfallenangel)- I'm sorry we never made cookies.
Jimmy (00ramxoid)- I'm sorry you left. I'm sorry you won't read this. I'm sorry that our friendship wasn't something you needed; was something that wasn't good enough for you. Thank you for what we shared though.
Rachel (exist)- Mostly, I'm sorry for what I haven't done. (God, this is going to sound hoaky but I think I need to say it.) Thank you for Jesus, the Jewish Pickle. Thank you for certain thoughts you shared which I'm sure you have no idea about. Thank you for being an example. Of what should and shouldn't be. I'm sorry we couldn't/haven't shared more. I'm sorry we ended up in the same boat, or close to it. I'm sorry that various people have made you feel so seemingly miserable at various points in your life. I'm sorry that so few people seem to be able to help or do anything about it. Thank you for lunch at Michael's and skipping 5th period with me last year. Jewish Pickle, that girl had some strange food (or what was once food) in her house. (Now I get UBER hoaky.) Be my friend?
Dick (reject1)- I'm sorry I couldn't be at your graduation to display the, "GO BIG RICHY K" sign. It would've been great. Thanks for the morning sex. I'm sorry if you're ever disappointed in Rachel or love or both. God I hope it stays strong for the two of you.
Rachel (alicenjavaland)- I'm sorry we never got to watch our British comedies and hang out more. You are definitely a groovy fellow. I'm sorry if you're ever disappointed in Richard or love or both. God I hope it stays strong for the two of you. I'm sorry that you're having difficulty right now. Bruises heal, whether they're physical, emotional, or mental. Thank you for the trip to the CAM. Thank you for the soapy fountain.
Todd (brokenvow)- I'm sorry your mommy made you cut your hair. Thanks for staying my friend even when I think you might not have wanted to. Thanks for the joy you share with me of music. Thanks for the way your face lights up, for how it makes bad things ok, when you talk about certain things. Thanks for keeping me entertained in English. Thanks for being funny. I'm sorry for every time I was a bitch to you. Thank you for enduring it.
DGB (sharpobjects)- I'm sorry I didn't see you while you were here and give you 9843578023472 hugs. I'm sorry I didn't listen to things you tried to tell me, to things I should have heeded, realized. Thank you for knowing that I had to make my own mistakes. Thank you for listening to my rants. Thank you for considering me a friend.
Jesus. I've been writing this for an hour and a half and I'm exhausted. I need a nap and I'll be back.
Had a "nap" which consisted of me laying in bed for half an hour doing diddly squat.
Lucas (doesanyoneknow)- Thank you for the flower. More to come later. Probably in this entry.
Ruthiey (lush_us)- Thank you for your genuine concern. Thank you for protecting me, or at least trying to. Thank you for laughing with me. Thank you for crying with me. Thank you for feeling things for me when I was incapable of feeling them. I hate Celine Dion but she comes closest, "You were my strength when I was weak. You were my voice when I couldn't speak. You were my eyes when I couldn't see. You saw the best there was in me. You gave me strength 'cause you believed." I'm sorry for my attempts to push you and everyone else away. I'm sorry that I haven't been able to really be there for you lately. I love you. Never forget that.
Anthony (amdewstow)- I'm sorry for what I think I may have done, however long ago it may have been. I think I might finally understand. Thank you for having continuing strength and faith in me. Thank you for your ability to stay my friend, even when I pushed you away so vehemently. Thank you for always volunteering to be there for me. Even when I don't accept it, I appreciate it and love you for it. Thank you for making it so that I can use that picture of me at the end of this entry.
Michael (paislee)- I'm sorry we haven't seen enough of each other lately. I'm sorry we haven't gone back to see Vera. Thank you for always making me laugh, especially when I'm wearing my bathing suit. I'm sorry boys are stupid.
Debbi (devra)- I honestly have no idea whether or not you'll read this. But I feel the need to say it anyway. I'm sorry for my preconceived and unfair notions and judgments of you. I'm sorry that the only thing we had or have in common is Lucas and Tubby (Mr. Hanlen).
Ben (ubernick)- Thank you for saying you'll be treasurer of S.T.A.R. I'm sorry things didn't work out with you and Kim. I'm sorry you stopped wearing A&M shirts on Taco Bell day.
Justin (jds117)- I'm sorry but I don't think I'll be able to help with your Eagle. Thank you for being such a great friend. I'm sorry that since school started we haven't spent more time together. Thank you for teaching me MTG and showing me Braveheart. I'm sorry I wasn't everything you hoped for. I'm sorry I let you down.
Jonny (jonnyturtle17)- I'm sorry that over 4 years we haven't become better friends.
Lucas (again) (doesanyoneknow)- I think I now have the strength for this. "This" being everything and anything you can think of. I'm sorry I wasn't what you needed. I'm sorry I didn't provide the drama. I'm sorry I was too normal or too unfucked up. I'm sorry you couldn't see me for all that I am. I'm sorry that I still have to have you as my friend. I'm sorry I wasn't Debbi. I'm sorry I wasn't Rachel. I'm sorry you'll probably misinterpret that along with the rest of the world, even though you'll misinterpret it differently. I'm sorry you and Ruth had a falling out. I take back that first statement. I'm sorry I lied. I'm sorry you've been so exhausted. I'm sorry that people in your entire life seem to have left in one way or another. Thank you for understanding when no one else did. Thank you for not pretending to understand when you didn't. Thank you for not trying to fix me. Thank you for sharing your self with me. Thank you for confiding in the few times that you did. Thank you for realizing the respect I give you. I'm sorry you don't think you deserve it. I'm sorry that's true. Thank you for your guts. Thank you for keeping your mouth shut when it was needed. Thank you for showing me Leonard Cohen and taking him away. Thank you for being someone I could throw proverbial stones at and take it. I'm sorry that I don't think I could always do the same.
Bruce (gooroo)- I'm sorry that I don't think I've become or can become the writer I think you see in me. Thank you for you confidence in me. Thank you for sharing yourself with me. Thank you for being so jovial and cynical and a great writer and a funny man.
Nicole (nicolem)- I'm sorry you live so damned far away so we can't meet. Thank you for reflecting in your senior year what I often feel now that I'm in my senior year.
Richard (shadowedsoul)- I'm sorry we missed the drum circle. Thank you for giving me directions to La Tapatia. Both of them. Thank you for being an impartial observer. Thank you for letting me laugh at you and your board games.
That's me when I was four years old. To the left of me are a few pictures I drew and to the right is another posed picture of me holding a parasol. I made the shirt and those were my favorite pants.
My life's not supposed to be like this...
Wednesday I went to the psychiatrist. Dr. Aponte. I can't decide what I think of her, but if I was forced to choose, I'd say I don't particularly care for her. She says I have a lot of anxiety and she prescribed Paxil for it. I refuse to take it. I hate the idea of it. It make me feel like this woman has given up on me before she's even given me a chance to fix myself with therapy or any other means. My mom agrees with my decision though. I love her. Dr. Aponte also perscribed Ambien, as I'm sure you saw, for sleep. Ha! It's the devil and I love it. Thursday I had detention again for skipping all of gov't last week. At least it was productive, eh? Last night I saw Eric. I told him a fib: I have a boyfriend. Maybe I shouldn't have... I know I'm gonna regret it when I want some from him. *shrug* Oh well. Ditched him to hang out with Lucas for a while. We saw Codi and Jonny and Chris at Diedrich. It was rather nice. At about 10:30 we headed over to Jessica's. On the way there I needed to stop for gas and we saw a man that made me giggle. He told Lucas to keep it in his pants. Then he gave him carnations. I got one and so did Jessica. :) Talked at Jessica's for a while. Jessica was on TV for about .00234739 seconds.
*sigh*
I feel the sudden and overwhelming need to apologize to everyone for everything I've done and haven't done. And thank them, too. Man. Here I go.
*DISCLAIMER*
If you read something here and it's not addressed to you I will take no responsibility for it. I'm not in any way saying you shouldn't read what's not addressed to you, only that I won't bear any burden for it.
Matt (intothepit)- I'm sorry if I couldn't stay your innocence. I'm sorry if what was inside of me that you loved died or was shattered. I'm sorry that I couldn't uphold what is me and I'm sorry you had/have to see that. Thank you for seeing me in such ethereal light, even when that's not how I see myself.
Laur-Laur (laurenfluffy)- I'm sorry I haven't had time lately. Believe me when I say it's not you. I've just been swamped with... life. And I'm beginning to feel it in more ways than I can describe. You're my partner in crime and I will always, always treasure that. Thanks.
Skippy (cdfallenangel)- I'm sorry we never made cookies.
Jimmy (00ramxoid)- I'm sorry you left. I'm sorry you won't read this. I'm sorry that our friendship wasn't something you needed; was something that wasn't good enough for you. Thank you for what we shared though.
Rachel (exist)- Mostly, I'm sorry for what I haven't done. (God, this is going to sound hoaky but I think I need to say it.) Thank you for Jesus, the Jewish Pickle. Thank you for certain thoughts you shared which I'm sure you have no idea about. Thank you for being an example. Of what should and shouldn't be. I'm sorry we couldn't/haven't shared more. I'm sorry we ended up in the same boat, or close to it. I'm sorry that various people have made you feel so seemingly miserable at various points in your life. I'm sorry that so few people seem to be able to help or do anything about it. Thank you for lunch at Michael's and skipping 5th period with me last year. Jewish Pickle, that girl had some strange food (or what was once food) in her house. (Now I get UBER hoaky.) Be my friend?
Dick (reject1)- I'm sorry I couldn't be at your graduation to display the, "GO BIG RICHY K" sign. It would've been great. Thanks for the morning sex. I'm sorry if you're ever disappointed in Rachel or love or both. God I hope it stays strong for the two of you.
Rachel (alicenjavaland)- I'm sorry we never got to watch our British comedies and hang out more. You are definitely a groovy fellow. I'm sorry if you're ever disappointed in Richard or love or both. God I hope it stays strong for the two of you. I'm sorry that you're having difficulty right now. Bruises heal, whether they're physical, emotional, or mental. Thank you for the trip to the CAM. Thank you for the soapy fountain.
Todd (brokenvow)- I'm sorry your mommy made you cut your hair. Thanks for staying my friend even when I think you might not have wanted to. Thanks for the joy you share with me of music. Thanks for the way your face lights up, for how it makes bad things ok, when you talk about certain things. Thanks for keeping me entertained in English. Thanks for being funny. I'm sorry for every time I was a bitch to you. Thank you for enduring it.
DGB (sharpobjects)- I'm sorry I didn't see you while you were here and give you 9843578023472 hugs. I'm sorry I didn't listen to things you tried to tell me, to things I should have heeded, realized. Thank you for knowing that I had to make my own mistakes. Thank you for listening to my rants. Thank you for considering me a friend.
Jesus. I've been writing this for an hour and a half and I'm exhausted. I need a nap and I'll be back.
Had a "nap" which consisted of me laying in bed for half an hour doing diddly squat.
Lucas (doesanyoneknow)- Thank you for the flower. More to come later. Probably in this entry.
Ruthiey (lush_us)- Thank you for your genuine concern. Thank you for protecting me, or at least trying to. Thank you for laughing with me. Thank you for crying with me. Thank you for feeling things for me when I was incapable of feeling them. I hate Celine Dion but she comes closest, "You were my strength when I was weak. You were my voice when I couldn't speak. You were my eyes when I couldn't see. You saw the best there was in me. You gave me strength 'cause you believed." I'm sorry for my attempts to push you and everyone else away. I'm sorry that I haven't been able to really be there for you lately. I love you. Never forget that.
Anthony (amdewstow)- I'm sorry for what I think I may have done, however long ago it may have been. I think I might finally understand. Thank you for having continuing strength and faith in me. Thank you for your ability to stay my friend, even when I pushed you away so vehemently. Thank you for always volunteering to be there for me. Even when I don't accept it, I appreciate it and love you for it. Thank you for making it so that I can use that picture of me at the end of this entry.
Michael (paislee)- I'm sorry we haven't seen enough of each other lately. I'm sorry we haven't gone back to see Vera. Thank you for always making me laugh, especially when I'm wearing my bathing suit. I'm sorry boys are stupid.
Debbi (devra)- I honestly have no idea whether or not you'll read this. But I feel the need to say it anyway. I'm sorry for my preconceived and unfair notions and judgments of you. I'm sorry that the only thing we had or have in common is Lucas and Tubby (Mr. Hanlen).
Ben (ubernick)- Thank you for saying you'll be treasurer of S.T.A.R. I'm sorry things didn't work out with you and Kim. I'm sorry you stopped wearing A&M shirts on Taco Bell day.
Justin (jds117)- I'm sorry but I don't think I'll be able to help with your Eagle. Thank you for being such a great friend. I'm sorry that since school started we haven't spent more time together. Thank you for teaching me MTG and showing me Braveheart. I'm sorry I wasn't everything you hoped for. I'm sorry I let you down.
Jonny (jonnyturtle17)- I'm sorry that over 4 years we haven't become better friends.
Lucas (again) (doesanyoneknow)- I think I now have the strength for this. "This" being everything and anything you can think of. I'm sorry I wasn't what you needed. I'm sorry I didn't provide the drama. I'm sorry I was too normal or too unfucked up. I'm sorry you couldn't see me for all that I am. I'm sorry that I still have to have you as my friend. I'm sorry I wasn't Debbi. I'm sorry I wasn't Rachel. I'm sorry you'll probably misinterpret that along with the rest of the world, even though you'll misinterpret it differently. I'm sorry you and Ruth had a falling out. I take back that first statement. I'm sorry I lied. I'm sorry you've been so exhausted. I'm sorry that people in your entire life seem to have left in one way or another. Thank you for understanding when no one else did. Thank you for not pretending to understand when you didn't. Thank you for not trying to fix me. Thank you for sharing your self with me. Thank you for confiding in the few times that you did. Thank you for realizing the respect I give you. I'm sorry you don't think you deserve it. I'm sorry that's true. Thank you for your guts. Thank you for keeping your mouth shut when it was needed. Thank you for showing me Leonard Cohen and taking him away. Thank you for being someone I could throw proverbial stones at and take it. I'm sorry that I don't think I could always do the same.
Bruce (gooroo)- I'm sorry that I don't think I've become or can become the writer I think you see in me. Thank you for you confidence in me. Thank you for sharing yourself with me. Thank you for being so jovial and cynical and a great writer and a funny man.
Nicole (nicolem)- I'm sorry you live so damned far away so we can't meet. Thank you for reflecting in your senior year what I often feel now that I'm in my senior year.
Richard (shadowedsoul)- I'm sorry we missed the drum circle. Thank you for giving me directions to La Tapatia. Both of them. Thank you for being an impartial observer. Thank you for letting me laugh at you and your board games.
That's me when I was four years old. To the left of me are a few pictures I drew and to the right is another posed picture of me holding a parasol. I made the shirt and those were my favorite pants.