How Do You Feel About Eternal Life? (it starts with a coffee)
So, I was poking around the anon_lovefest comm a bit before bed last night (because for some reason, nothing puts me to sleep faster than poorly-written porn. It's a thing, I know), and I came across a fic written for the prompt Mike meets the totally adorable and slightly faily Kevin one night and falls head over heels. Little does he know that Kevin is part of the extremely powerful Jonas clan of vampires. And I was like, "Ooooh, role reversal! Intriguing!"
But the story that went with the prompt wasn't exactly what I wanted. Like, I know it's an anon meme, and you're not always going to find stories to your liking over there, but there wasn't any internal consistency regarding the rules of vampirism, or any kind of real-world plausibility, and there really wasn't a plot to speak of...... but somehow the prompt kind of completely stuck in my brain?
And then somehow it was 2:30 in the morning, and I had accidentally I not!ficced (or at least, outlined a plot for) a story to go with that three-year-old prompt. Annnnd I remembered that time that quintenttsy wrote that awesome 16 Candles 'verse Skippy fic, and that time that we kept spitballing ideas for a bandom-BtVS AU on Twitter......
So I ended up dumping what I'd written in her lap before falling asleep this morning, and what I'm about to post is what happens when quintenttsy star-eyes all over your inbox before breakfast. Okay? Okay!
How Do You Feel About Eternal Life? (it starts with a coffee)
Author: reena_jenkins
Fandom: Bandom (The Academy Is..., the Jonas Brothers)
Rated: PG-13
Written: 05/07/12 (Ooh! It's a math problem!)
Pairing: Mike Carden/Kevin Jonas
Warnings: vampire AU, off-screen violence, gore, stalking, obsessive behavior
Title from an exchange in the Buffy episode Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered
Drusilla: How do you feel about eternal life? Xander: We couldn't just start with a coffee?
So, here's the thing - there's basically two kinds of really terrifying vampires. There's the kind that look terrifying, with mouths full of non-orthodontia'd teeth and basements full of slavering gore all over the place, and so you know to fear them…. and the kind that look harmless, innocuous even, and then tear your throat out while torturing your family members because you DIDN'T know to fear them, and invited one over for Sunday Family Dinner.
Kevin Jonas… was that second kind of vampire.
***
Mike runs into Kevin at a coffee shop, one Thursday in November (this is a universe with Joss Whedon's vampire rules - they can be awake during the day, can even move around the sewers/subway tunnels, just don't stick them in sunlight or FLAMBE! But maybe they're more like college students - groggy in the mornings, not at their full capacity till sundown. No freaky mind powers like in Anita Blake, and NO GLITTER!PENIS. Well, maybe some glitter, but only because Kevin likes sparkly things. He's like a magpie like that), just off the Rutgers campus (because the JoBros are from Jersey, and it gets dark quick in November, and also I want to make a joke about the Chinese restaurant off-campus that kind smells like it serves dog in the sweet'n'sour chicken (how would you TELL? The meat is all battered up!), and also about how maybe Kevin was munching on the local pets as a snack one time. Or something.)
There is some flirting, with Mike taking the more aggressive, pursuing stance. Things like, innuendo, and Kevin hiding his face in his mug - bashful! shy! coy eyelashes! - and Mike possibly encroaching on personal space. Mike mentions his band playing at an open-mic night in the student union - he assumes Kevin is a Rutgers student like he is, because Kevin looks like he could be anywhere from 16 to 22 (we know he's actually around 90 years old (turn of the century baby!), and his backstory is interesting, obviously. He was turned at the tender age of 19 by one of the scare-your-pants-off-with-my-face vampires, who was also cunning and conniving - maybe it was the Master? No, the Master was stuck in his church at the turn of the century. Well, Kevin got jumped/mugged in an alleyway in the City one night, by a SCARY VAMPIRE, who knew that innocent!baby!deer was a look that would draw in prey, and make his protege both well-fed and also dangerous. ANONYMOUS SCARY VAMPIRE teaches Kevin things like how not to make a mess of his shirt when he eats, and how to torture people for fun - both physically and psychologically, because that was not a skill set Human Kevin possessed - and how to look coyly up through one's eyelashes. Eventually ANON VAMP is killed in a power struggle with another SCARY VAMPIRE, and Kevin is left to his own devices. He hones his craft, makes a bit of a reputation for himself in the right circles, and travels up and down the East Coast for a dozen years. He has Adventures, and eats a lot of tasty people, but mostly manages to keep off the radar of the Human authorities. One thing his Sire taught Kevin was that you don't shit in the kitchen - if Kevin's feeling like a rampaging death spree one night, he knows to NOT stage it where he lives. That's just bad business sense. He even has a fake ID!) and invites him to come see them play next week. There is no exchange of numbers, but there are Meaningful Looks.
Cut to: Next week, TAI… playing for open mic night, Kevin in the back of the auditorium, looking wallflower-y. Mike's hot, et cetera, and maybe Bill does some wink-wink-nudge-nudge when he sees Mike leering. More longing glances, more Mike doing the pursuing, lots of LEADING QUESTIONS asked by Kevin. However, Mike thinks he's the one leading this seduction, thinks he's trying to coax young Kevin out of his straight-boy shell, and so is not suspicious. BUT WE KNOW BETTER.
Mike sees Kevin around campus some, at the end of his school day, over the next few days - at the coffee shop again, on one of the paths leading to the Econ buildings, heading out of the dining hall. There are some smile-and-wave moments that TOTALLY DISGUISE HOW KEVIN IS ACTUALLY STALKING HIM.
Then Mike gets a phone call from his mom on Friday - his dog died. It was mauled. The scariest thing, really, what kind of animal could do that? Animal control is patrolling the area. (CUE DOG IN CHINESE FOOD JOKE BY A FOOT-IN-MOUTH SISKA?)
Cut to: creeeeeeeeepy creepy Kevin, eating homeless people in Central Park, plotting shit. (Lots of vague, dark, insinuating prose, not so many bloody details. We KNOW Kevin actually ate Mike's dog, kind of how Angel killed Willow's fish, but Mike doesn't.) What's Kevin's plan for Mike? Why hasn't he just EATEN HIM ALREADY?
Well…. for one, Kevin hasn't been properly courted since he was Human, and while being a vampire has freed him from many of the social mores of his era (ex: hard to believe in an all-knowing and benevolent God, when you're a Creature Of The Night (though, for Nick, it was the other way around. Nick got even more religious after Kevin turned him, going on about how Hell was real, and that he was being punished for his mortal sins. So, even though Kevin had wanted to keep his brother alive and well with him for all eternity, Nick was so distraught at his situation that Kevin mercy-staked him. He didn't try to Turn Joe.); it's hard to think of just about anything as verboten or taboo when you've been bumped to the spot of Apex Predator (there's just no reason to fear anymore, if you're top dog), and so sex (with kinky toys! with multiple partners! with boys!) is no longer the enemy), well, certain traditions and habits have remained with him. That's why Mike caught his eye: Mike wasn't trying to prove Kevin inferior (vampire-on vampire relationships tend to be all about the posturing, and the hierarchy, and the fighting-for-dominance. Vampire-on-human relationships, for Kevin at least, have previously been all about the sucking - give him a blow job, and then the femoral artery is RIGHT THERE, y'know? Kevin is a VAMPIRE, he's the boss here, and manners like THAT would have ended up with Mike developing an extreme case of exanguination), but rather Mike considered him valuable, cherish-able even.
Kevin maybe wants to keep him around, just for that.
CUT TO: Mike taking Kevin out on dates, Mike thinking he's leading things along at a "taking things slow" pace, Kevin stalking Mike and leaving him PRESENTS (drawings of him sleeping, random objects moved/doors opened/shirts missing when Mike knows he didn't do it) a la Angel+Dru…. but Mike being none-the-wiser that it's Kevin. Maybe he mentions it to Kevin one night, about how it's starting to freak him out some - is it an ex? (Kevin GRRRs at the thought, sub-audibly, because he is a possessive bastard) is it a creepy fan of Bill's? (Bill is Mike's roommate in a school-owned off-campus dorm. Because Rutgers owns the building, it's public property and NOT a personal residence (despite the many residents - they're transient, and so cannot set up a 'home' barrier) so Kevin can get in) - and Kevin suggests Mike come over to snuggle one evening, to feel better.
DUN DUN DUN………..
Kevin's been thinking about it for a while now, but when Mike comes over that night, and doesn't even ask where Kevin keeps the condoms, just tries to snuggle on the couch while they watch one of the music video channels on tv (yes, Kevin does have a Snuggie. It's a blanket WITH SLEEVES! Just because Kevin no longer has a functioning circulatory system doesn't mean he enjoys being cold….), he resolves to keep Mike around breathing for a while longer. He changes his mind about Turning Mike right then… and goes to kill Bill while Mike's sleeping in Kevin's bed, to further psych Mike out. Because Mike would be so distraught, and he'd lean on Kevin in his grief, and Kevin would keep saying that he's so glad Mike wasn't there that night of the home invasion, wasn't it a good thing that Mike wasn't there when the crazy-stalker-fan broke into their dorm and cut Bill open? (because sure, yeah, they were a shitty college band that couldn't get a paying gig- but they were a shitty college band with a Facebook page, and a lead singer with GLORIOUS HAIR. Hair like Bill's develops a following, and that Tom Conrad guy from the campus library's printing room had always seemed a little too intent on Bill's computer history for Mike's comfort. Obviously Mike doesn't know it, but Kevin staged the murder-suicide, like how Angel staged Jenny's death, to place all the blame on creepy Tom (maybe because of his possessive bastard tendencies? Wipe out all possible distractions vying for Mike's attention? Also, this way Mike starts to think the whole thing's over with Tom's death. Mike thinks the stalking will end…..little does he know….))
And then, even though Rutgers has that rumored dead-roommate-equals-straight-As-for-the-surviving-roommate policy, Mike starts talking about switching schools. He just can't stay at Rutgers anymore, Kev, you get that, right? You're so great, Kev, but Bill's been my best friend since we were in preschool, and going to Rutgers together was our dream, and I can't keep walking around campus crying every time I pass a boxwood planter or the ice hockey rink or see a copy of the school paper or smell fucking schwarma.
And Kevin….. he lets Mike think that they can make it long-distance (Mike's thinking about moving all the way to Chicago, going to the University of Illinois, because he thinks the climate's similar but there's enough distance for a fresh start). He lets Mike stay in Kevin's bed while the cops are studying the crime scene, and he helps Mike pack his things, and he even promises to help Mike fill out the paperwork to transfer all his credits. But secretly, Kevin is plotting…..
And the night before Mike has to leave for his admissions interview in Chicago, the night he tells Kevin that things might actually start to be the very beginning of a new future for him (one without constant fear, and one where he learns to cope with the loss of his dog and his best friend)……….. That's the night that Kevin Turns him.
***
The thing about vampire like Kevin, that thing that makes them so fucking scary, is that they have to make a CONNECTION first. They can't just bite you and be done with it, no. They draw you in, make you trust them, make you think you're safe as houses in their embrace. And then, when you rely them, believe in them, give them a key to the apartment……… that's when they rip your fucking throat out.
[the end] [ish] [okay, fine....maybe there's something more eventually with biting and porn and eating Mike's surviving family members] [no promises, though]
And, because I have terrible impulse control, there's a podfic to go along with it. If the mood strikes you, you can download the mp3 over here (thanks for hosting me, paraka!), or you can listen to me read you the story via the streaming option:
But the story that went with the prompt wasn't exactly what I wanted. Like, I know it's an anon meme, and you're not always going to find stories to your liking over there, but there wasn't any internal consistency regarding the rules of vampirism, or any kind of real-world plausibility, and there really wasn't a plot to speak of...... but somehow the prompt kind of completely stuck in my brain?
And then somehow it was 2:30 in the morning, and I had accidentally I not!ficced (or at least, outlined a plot for) a story to go with that three-year-old prompt. Annnnd I remembered that time that quintenttsy wrote that awesome 16 Candles 'verse Skippy fic, and that time that we kept spitballing ideas for a bandom-BtVS AU on Twitter......
So I ended up dumping what I'd written in her lap before falling asleep this morning, and what I'm about to post is what happens when quintenttsy star-eyes all over your inbox before breakfast. Okay? Okay!
How Do You Feel About Eternal Life? (it starts with a coffee)
Author: reena_jenkins
Fandom: Bandom (The Academy Is..., the Jonas Brothers)
Rated: PG-13
Written: 05/07/12 (Ooh! It's a math problem!)
Pairing: Mike Carden/Kevin Jonas
Warnings: vampire AU, off-screen violence, gore, stalking, obsessive behavior
Title from an exchange in the Buffy episode Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered
Drusilla: How do you feel about eternal life? Xander: We couldn't just start with a coffee?
So, here's the thing - there's basically two kinds of really terrifying vampires. There's the kind that look terrifying, with mouths full of non-orthodontia'd teeth and basements full of slavering gore all over the place, and so you know to fear them…. and the kind that look harmless, innocuous even, and then tear your throat out while torturing your family members because you DIDN'T know to fear them, and invited one over for Sunday Family Dinner.
Kevin Jonas… was that second kind of vampire.
***
Mike runs into Kevin at a coffee shop, one Thursday in November (this is a universe with Joss Whedon's vampire rules - they can be awake during the day, can even move around the sewers/subway tunnels, just don't stick them in sunlight or FLAMBE! But maybe they're more like college students - groggy in the mornings, not at their full capacity till sundown. No freaky mind powers like in Anita Blake, and NO GLITTER!PENIS. Well, maybe some glitter, but only because Kevin likes sparkly things. He's like a magpie like that), just off the Rutgers campus (because the JoBros are from Jersey, and it gets dark quick in November, and also I want to make a joke about the Chinese restaurant off-campus that kind smells like it serves dog in the sweet'n'sour chicken (how would you TELL? The meat is all battered up!), and also about how maybe Kevin was munching on the local pets as a snack one time. Or something.)
There is some flirting, with Mike taking the more aggressive, pursuing stance. Things like, innuendo, and Kevin hiding his face in his mug - bashful! shy! coy eyelashes! - and Mike possibly encroaching on personal space. Mike mentions his band playing at an open-mic night in the student union - he assumes Kevin is a Rutgers student like he is, because Kevin looks like he could be anywhere from 16 to 22 (we know he's actually around 90 years old (turn of the century baby!), and his backstory is interesting, obviously. He was turned at the tender age of 19 by one of the scare-your-pants-off-with-my-face vampires, who was also cunning and conniving - maybe it was the Master? No, the Master was stuck in his church at the turn of the century. Well, Kevin got jumped/mugged in an alleyway in the City one night, by a SCARY VAMPIRE, who knew that innocent!baby!deer was a look that would draw in prey, and make his protege both well-fed and also dangerous. ANONYMOUS SCARY VAMPIRE teaches Kevin things like how not to make a mess of his shirt when he eats, and how to torture people for fun - both physically and psychologically, because that was not a skill set Human Kevin possessed - and how to look coyly up through one's eyelashes. Eventually ANON VAMP is killed in a power struggle with another SCARY VAMPIRE, and Kevin is left to his own devices. He hones his craft, makes a bit of a reputation for himself in the right circles, and travels up and down the East Coast for a dozen years. He has Adventures, and eats a lot of tasty people, but mostly manages to keep off the radar of the Human authorities. One thing his Sire taught Kevin was that you don't shit in the kitchen - if Kevin's feeling like a rampaging death spree one night, he knows to NOT stage it where he lives. That's just bad business sense. He even has a fake ID!) and invites him to come see them play next week. There is no exchange of numbers, but there are Meaningful Looks.
Cut to: Next week, TAI… playing for open mic night, Kevin in the back of the auditorium, looking wallflower-y. Mike's hot, et cetera, and maybe Bill does some wink-wink-nudge-nudge when he sees Mike leering. More longing glances, more Mike doing the pursuing, lots of LEADING QUESTIONS asked by Kevin. However, Mike thinks he's the one leading this seduction, thinks he's trying to coax young Kevin out of his straight-boy shell, and so is not suspicious. BUT WE KNOW BETTER.
Mike sees Kevin around campus some, at the end of his school day, over the next few days - at the coffee shop again, on one of the paths leading to the Econ buildings, heading out of the dining hall. There are some smile-and-wave moments that TOTALLY DISGUISE HOW KEVIN IS ACTUALLY STALKING HIM.
Then Mike gets a phone call from his mom on Friday - his dog died. It was mauled. The scariest thing, really, what kind of animal could do that? Animal control is patrolling the area. (CUE DOG IN CHINESE FOOD JOKE BY A FOOT-IN-MOUTH SISKA?)
Cut to: creeeeeeeeepy creepy Kevin, eating homeless people in Central Park, plotting shit. (Lots of vague, dark, insinuating prose, not so many bloody details. We KNOW Kevin actually ate Mike's dog, kind of how Angel killed Willow's fish, but Mike doesn't.) What's Kevin's plan for Mike? Why hasn't he just EATEN HIM ALREADY?
Well…. for one, Kevin hasn't been properly courted since he was Human, and while being a vampire has freed him from many of the social mores of his era (ex: hard to believe in an all-knowing and benevolent God, when you're a Creature Of The Night (though, for Nick, it was the other way around. Nick got even more religious after Kevin turned him, going on about how Hell was real, and that he was being punished for his mortal sins. So, even though Kevin had wanted to keep his brother alive and well with him for all eternity, Nick was so distraught at his situation that Kevin mercy-staked him. He didn't try to Turn Joe.); it's hard to think of just about anything as verboten or taboo when you've been bumped to the spot of Apex Predator (there's just no reason to fear anymore, if you're top dog), and so sex (with kinky toys! with multiple partners! with boys!) is no longer the enemy), well, certain traditions and habits have remained with him. That's why Mike caught his eye: Mike wasn't trying to prove Kevin inferior (vampire-on vampire relationships tend to be all about the posturing, and the hierarchy, and the fighting-for-dominance. Vampire-on-human relationships, for Kevin at least, have previously been all about the sucking - give him a blow job, and then the femoral artery is RIGHT THERE, y'know? Kevin is a VAMPIRE, he's the boss here, and manners like THAT would have ended up with Mike developing an extreme case of exanguination), but rather Mike considered him valuable, cherish-able even.
Kevin maybe wants to keep him around, just for that.
CUT TO: Mike taking Kevin out on dates, Mike thinking he's leading things along at a "taking things slow" pace, Kevin stalking Mike and leaving him PRESENTS (drawings of him sleeping, random objects moved/doors opened/shirts missing when Mike knows he didn't do it) a la Angel+Dru…. but Mike being none-the-wiser that it's Kevin. Maybe he mentions it to Kevin one night, about how it's starting to freak him out some - is it an ex? (Kevin GRRRs at the thought, sub-audibly, because he is a possessive bastard) is it a creepy fan of Bill's? (Bill is Mike's roommate in a school-owned off-campus dorm. Because Rutgers owns the building, it's public property and NOT a personal residence (despite the many residents - they're transient, and so cannot set up a 'home' barrier) so Kevin can get in) - and Kevin suggests Mike come over to snuggle one evening, to feel better.
DUN DUN DUN………..
Kevin's been thinking about it for a while now, but when Mike comes over that night, and doesn't even ask where Kevin keeps the condoms, just tries to snuggle on the couch while they watch one of the music video channels on tv (yes, Kevin does have a Snuggie. It's a blanket WITH SLEEVES! Just because Kevin no longer has a functioning circulatory system doesn't mean he enjoys being cold….), he resolves to keep Mike around breathing for a while longer. He changes his mind about Turning Mike right then… and goes to kill Bill while Mike's sleeping in Kevin's bed, to further psych Mike out. Because Mike would be so distraught, and he'd lean on Kevin in his grief, and Kevin would keep saying that he's so glad Mike wasn't there that night of the home invasion, wasn't it a good thing that Mike wasn't there when the crazy-stalker-fan broke into their dorm and cut Bill open? (because sure, yeah, they were a shitty college band that couldn't get a paying gig- but they were a shitty college band with a Facebook page, and a lead singer with GLORIOUS HAIR. Hair like Bill's develops a following, and that Tom Conrad guy from the campus library's printing room had always seemed a little too intent on Bill's computer history for Mike's comfort. Obviously Mike doesn't know it, but Kevin staged the murder-suicide, like how Angel staged Jenny's death, to place all the blame on creepy Tom (maybe because of his possessive bastard tendencies? Wipe out all possible distractions vying for Mike's attention? Also, this way Mike starts to think the whole thing's over with Tom's death. Mike thinks the stalking will end…..little does he know….))
And then, even though Rutgers has that rumored dead-roommate-equals-straight-As-for-the-surviving-roommate policy, Mike starts talking about switching schools. He just can't stay at Rutgers anymore, Kev, you get that, right? You're so great, Kev, but Bill's been my best friend since we were in preschool, and going to Rutgers together was our dream, and I can't keep walking around campus crying every time I pass a boxwood planter or the ice hockey rink or see a copy of the school paper or smell fucking schwarma.
And Kevin….. he lets Mike think that they can make it long-distance (Mike's thinking about moving all the way to Chicago, going to the University of Illinois, because he thinks the climate's similar but there's enough distance for a fresh start). He lets Mike stay in Kevin's bed while the cops are studying the crime scene, and he helps Mike pack his things, and he even promises to help Mike fill out the paperwork to transfer all his credits. But secretly, Kevin is plotting…..
And the night before Mike has to leave for his admissions interview in Chicago, the night he tells Kevin that things might actually start to be the very beginning of a new future for him (one without constant fear, and one where he learns to cope with the loss of his dog and his best friend)……….. That's the night that Kevin Turns him.
***
The thing about vampire like Kevin, that thing that makes them so fucking scary, is that they have to make a CONNECTION first. They can't just bite you and be done with it, no. They draw you in, make you trust them, make you think you're safe as houses in their embrace. And then, when you rely them, believe in them, give them a key to the apartment……… that's when they rip your fucking throat out.
[the end] [ish] [okay, fine....maybe there's something more eventually with biting and porn and eating Mike's surviving family members] [no promises, though]
And, because I have terrible impulse control, there's a podfic to go along with it. If the mood strikes you, you can download the mp3 over here (thanks for hosting me, paraka!), or you can listen to me read you the story via the streaming option: