"been up at nights to paint the house ghost white..."

[redscarfboy]

Recently, in a journal entry my sister wrote for her website, she linked to my live journal instead of my website.  I guess her reasoning is that I update my live journal more often than I update my website.  In fact, it’s been about two and a half months since I’ve updated my website -which is probably a record since it’s been up.  There are

Comments

[jessarae]

Biz- How long have you been back in the States? The reason I ask is...I think what you're going through emotionally has a lot to do with re-entry shock. When I got back from Scotland, I was pretty much depressed for 6 months...then I graduated college and was even more depressed! I don't know if it helps to say this, but if it is re-entry shock, it's fairly common. Adding the stress of a job search will certainly intesify it. And it WILL end- just not when you want it to. I know it sucks to feel crappy all the time, but try to be patient.

PS:
'I wanted to write thank-you notes to people who came to my going-away party, and I’m scared now that it’s too late.'
--It's never too late for thank-you cards...they are always welcome.

[redscarfboy]

I've been back for a month now. I think you're right though. I am really having a hard time readjusting. I tried explaining this to my mother and she went off saying I was crazy and that I needed therapy. I think I may need counceling, but she was rather convinced I had lost it altogether...which made me feel all the more wonderful. I just have no idea where I want to go now. I just know I can't be here...and all other options seem just as awful. I just need to escape -really truly escape, but I'm so lost -I don't know how to do that.

[jessarae]

Your mother clearly doesn't know about re-entry shock. But talk to any foreign exchange program at any university, and they will tell you all about it- and perhaps refer you somewhere for help. As for escape- I always feel that need. I often feel like I've trapped myself in my own life. But I've realized that actual escape isn't actually available (unless you are, say, independently wealthy and can shirk all of the responisibilities of the average life.) Maybe you can find ONE thing that makes you happy and concentrate on that. :)

[redscarfboy]

I'm not really a student anywhere, so I don't know about going to a university for help. Secondly, I don't have any health insurence, so I'm afraid to even go somewhere and ask for help, because I know I won't be able to afford it. There are things that make me happy...travel, Antje, Germany, bike riding...but none of them are availible to me right now. I need out.

...

[mettchen]

*hugz*...

Re: ...

[redscarfboy]

thanks.

[koenigdesregens]

Nach Armenien: 374.1.56.67.50
'bin neun Stunden vor dir.

[redscarfboy]

hey...I just tried to call you and weird things were happening. Like it would answer, and then continue to ring...and then it would ring faster, and then sort of "flatline". Any suggestions?

[koenigdesregens]

The telephone lines are . . . rather significantly less than ideal. My mother has never succeeded. If you let me know ahead of time, I'll see to it that I'm home. Though, if you really want to communicate by phone, it may be easiest if I hit up a call center and dial you. Which is certainly possible. If you really want to talk on the phone.

[redscarfboy]

Ack! Kevin...just give me a time when I should call. I've been trying every other day for a while now and it just gets all screwy. If you dial me, then I can't pay for the call...which is what I want to do. Tell me when you'll be home on Wednesday and I'll try then...or Thursday? Your choice.

[parler_tout_bas]

vielleicht gibt es für amerikaner in europa bessere karrierechancen als in amerika selbst. z.b. bei euröpäischen tochterfirmen von großen amerikanischen konzernen.
oder was ist mit einer ausbildung als dolmetscher oder übersetzer oder fremdsprachenkorrespondent?

[redscarfboy]

Ich glaube, ich muss zuerst für diese Firma in den Staaten arbeiten, bevor ich dann nach Deutschland versetzt werden könnte. Aber, ja, das klingt ja toll...aber auch irgendwie unmöglich.

Alles das ich wirklich will ist weiter zu studieren...aber ich kann das nicht bis august 2005. Ich bin kein guter Dolmetscher/Übersetzer, aber ich würde fast irgendwas tun...dolmetschen, übersetzen, was auch immer ein Fremdsprahkorrespondent tut...ich will einfach arbeiten.

[parler_tout_bas]

ihr müsst studiengebüren in den usa zahlen, nicht?
wäre es nicht einfacher, in kiel neben dem studium zu arbeiten (z.b. kellnern) als in NY? NY ist viel zu teuer zum leben. und mit kellnern kann man ganz gut leben, meine mitbewohnerin macht das auch, und nebenbei gibt sie nachhilfe. man kann zwar nicht mehr so schnell und intensiv studieren, wenn man arbeiten muss, aber es ist machbar...und in kiel einfacher als in NYC....

[redscarfboy]

Manchmal, aber meinstens wenn man auf einer höheren Ebene (wie Gradschool) studiert, wird man hier bezahlt. Ich habe doch versucht in Kiel als Kellner und Englischlehere zu arbeiten, und es ging überhaupt nicht. Der Grund, den ich zurückkam, war weil ich gedacht habe, dass ich hier zumindest einen Job kriegen könnte, damit ich mich selbst unterstützen könnte, aber das geht offensichtlich auch nicht. Man muss eine Frau sein in Deutschland zu kellnern. Ich habe sämtliche Kneipen in Kiel besucht um einen Job zu finden und sie haben mir alle das gleiche gesagt: "Wie stellen nur Frauen an."

Vielleicht ist es einfacher in Kiel als New York...aber ich habe überhaupt kein Geld sogar dahin zu fliegen.

[vamessedup]

It's hard coming home from being away for a long period of time. Right now, the job market is for shit...especially in NYC. Finding housing in NYC is very often difficult. All that piled on top of itself is quite an emotional, physical and finantial handful to deal with. Yes! it can be a great city, but if it's making you so miserable...don't stay. It's easy for other people (myself included) to tell you what you should or shouldn't do; good intentions though they may have, they aren't you and can't get inside your head and see what you need. Only you know what's right for you and you need to trust your own judgement. If you feel that it's not worthwhile to be where you are, don't let other people pressure you into staying if you don't want to. You are responsible for your own happiness and what works for one person or another may not work for you, you are not your sister or her friends. I'm sure they want you to be as happy as they are, but formula for your happiness seems not to be the same as it is for them. It's ok.

[redscarfboy]

I think you're right and everything, but I'm at a loss as to where I should go to escape from all of this. I don't know that the job market will be any better anywhere else, and I think the only place that could truly make me happy is in Germany...but I can't go there as long as I can't work there. I'm just at such a loss as to where I could go to make things better -nothing/no where seems right but places I can't go to.

I've just never felt this trapped before.