Okay, I'm going to nitpick as I go. Plus give bonus points for what I really like.
“Of our Lord’s year, 1896.” More commonly "Year of our Lord, 1896"
by his shoes by the mortician’s quick instructions reads awkwardly. Maybe due to or because of the mortician etc.
He looked like a creature of the night who was weary of his mischievous deeds. Excellent!
They both had died the same way - gazing into the wonder of death. Also very good!
so they elected to call you Alex for the while.” I don't like while in there, I find myself asking "for the while of what?"
he looked like a budding sapling in early spring, as though his withered appearance was only to protect him from the winter. Applause!
“Close your mouth, dear,” her mother muttered. “He begged me this morning, so I told him if he managed to cook breakfast without collapsing I’d let him go.” Wee continuity problem here. If he can run from the sheep, he can definitely cook breakfast
( ... )
Alright, I think I got all of the spelling errors and such that you pointed out.
How about the poem?
It keeps getting better realelvish . You have a great gift for description and details that make it very enjoyable. (Did I just say that?) What I mean is you can put it touches that just sing. (Does that make anymore sense?)
I liked this story very much. Interesting concept! The opening scene reminded me of Anne Rice's Rameses the Damned, just a bit.
Obsessive compulsive me wanted to know how 'Alex' got into Lord Clarford's coffin in the first place. Hed they ordered it from a dealer of antiquities or what?
You write as if you know sheep very well.
I had one or two unimportant picks. Did you mean for the POV shifts directly from 'Alex' to others? If so, just ignore me. :)
Re: Very nice!realelvishMarch 5 2007, 00:10:06 UTC
I liked this story very much. Interesting concept! The opening scene reminded me of Anne Rice's Rameses the Damned, just a bit.
Thanks! I've never read Rameses the Damned. I stopped reading her stuff when she fired her editor.
Obsessive compulsive me wanted to know how 'Alex' got into Lord Clarford's coffin in the first place. Hed they ordered it from a dealer of antiquities or what?
You asked, and Alex/Ishanata answered.
You write as if you know sheep very well.
I grew up on a sheep ranch in Montana, so I'm pretty familiar with those annoying little buggers. Yes, I am guilty of jumping into piles of wool as well. I bet it's nicer than any goose feather mattress.
I had one or two unimportant picks. Did you mean for the POV shifts directly from 'Alex' to others? If so, just ignore me. :)The POV is 3rd person omniscient, and I found that Alex's awakening works best from his POV, and sets up the re-awakening at the end up the best. There's only one scene that I left Alex's awakening in Marianne's POV: when they pull Alex from the
( ... )
And sent for a coffin with teak sides From India, no cost they shied, The casket had a trail of flies.
*snort* That took care of it nicely.
Thanks! I've never read Rameses the Damned. I stopped reading her stuff when she fired her editor.
Rameses the Damned is an older one, done before the unfortunate decision by Ms. Rice to fire her editor. She said the saga would be continued, but it has not. Too bad, because I enjoyed it far more than her tiresome vampires.
I'm afraid there was something in Memnoch the Devil that managed to offend even this agnostic (that takes some doing!) and I jumped the Rice ship. I still recommend some of her earliest work. The Feast of All Saints is one of my favorites.
The POV is 3rd person omniscient, and I found that Alex's awakening works best from his POV, and sets up the re-awakening at the end up the best. There's only one scene that I left Alex's awakening in Marianne's POV: when they pull Alex from the river. That one was during an emotional climax for Marianne, so it had to be from her POV
( ... )
Comments 6
“Of our Lord’s year, 1896.” More commonly "Year of our Lord, 1896"
by his shoes by the mortician’s quick instructions reads awkwardly. Maybe due to or because of the mortician etc.
He looked like a creature of the night who was weary of his mischievous deeds. Excellent!
They both had died the same way - gazing into the wonder of death. Also very good!
so they elected to call you Alex for the while.” I don't like while in there, I find myself asking "for the while of what?"
he looked like a budding sapling in early spring, as though his withered appearance was only to protect him from the winter. Applause!
“Close your mouth, dear,” her mother muttered. “He begged me this morning, so I told him if he managed to cook breakfast without collapsing I’d let him go.” Wee continuity problem here. If he can run from the sheep, he can definitely cook breakfast ( ... )
Reply
How about the poem?
It keeps getting better realelvish . You have a great gift for description and details that make it very enjoyable. (Did I just say that?) What I mean is you can put it touches that just sing. (Does that make anymore sense?)
Gee golly thanks!
Reply
Reply
Obsessive compulsive me wanted to know how 'Alex' got into Lord Clarford's coffin in the first place. Hed they ordered it from a dealer of antiquities or what?
You write as if you know sheep very well.
I had one or two unimportant picks. Did you mean for the POV shifts directly from 'Alex' to others? If so, just ignore me. :)
Reply
Thanks! I've never read Rameses the Damned. I stopped reading her stuff when she fired her editor.
Obsessive compulsive me wanted to know how 'Alex' got into Lord Clarford's coffin in the first place. Hed they ordered it from a dealer of antiquities or what?
You asked, and Alex/Ishanata answered.
You write as if you know sheep very well.
I grew up on a sheep ranch in Montana, so I'm pretty familiar with those annoying little buggers. Yes, I am guilty of jumping into piles of wool as well. I bet it's nicer than any goose feather mattress.
I had one or two unimportant picks. Did you mean for the POV shifts directly from 'Alex' to others? If so, just ignore me. :)The POV is 3rd person omniscient, and I found that Alex's awakening works best from his POV, and sets up the re-awakening at the end up the best. There's only one scene that I left Alex's awakening in Marianne's POV: when they pull Alex from the ( ... )
Reply
From India, no cost they shied,
The casket had a trail of flies.
*snort* That took care of it nicely.
Thanks! I've never read Rameses the Damned. I stopped reading her stuff when she fired her editor.
Rameses the Damned is an older one, done before the unfortunate decision by Ms. Rice to fire her editor. She said the saga would be continued, but it has not. Too bad, because I enjoyed it far more than her tiresome vampires.
I'm afraid there was something in Memnoch the Devil that managed to offend even this agnostic (that takes some doing!) and I jumped the Rice ship. I still recommend some of her earliest work. The Feast of All Saints is one of my favorites.
The POV is 3rd person omniscient, and I found that Alex's awakening works best from his POV, and sets up the re-awakening at the end up the best. There's only one scene that I left Alex's awakening in Marianne's POV: when they pull Alex from the river. That one was during an emotional climax for Marianne, so it had to be from her POV ( ... )
Reply
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