Comments | ranuel: Sword & Song Fragment

ranuel

Sword & Song Fragment

Mar 04, 2007 12:12

Here is what I've got done on the first chapter.

I'm specifically looking for input on how well Heneter is set up as a character, how interested you are in what happens next, if you think she should eventually get involved with Nakhti far, far in the future, and how much, if any, effort should I put into details of the preparations for leaving and ( Read more... )

sword & song, writing

Comments 7

alterfano March 5 2007, 04:51:14 UTC

Hm. Well, some general comments based on a quick read ( ... )

ranuel March 5 2007, 10:57:35 UTC

Very useful, exactly the sorts of comments I need ( ... )

alterfano March 5 2007, 12:31:15 UTC

glad you thought it was useful.

Critique anonymous March 8 2007, 00:22:13 UTC

The first paragraph suffers from antecedant confusion. The "her" in "her...sword" would refer back to her opponent, not Heneter.

You might have Heneter admire Nakhti's body or some piece of it. That would help set the stage for the later "cheekiness." Also, it would sneak in a description. What does this group of Egyptians look like? Swarthy? More Nubian than Arabic?

< at first light in the morning> This is reduntant. 'at first light tomorrow' would be better.

This is just too 21st Century. Perhaps something more colorful, like "you smell like camel dung."

There shouldn't be a paragraph division between the page trotting up and his speech. Also, he should probably salute her in some fashion. I can't recall at the moment what the proper motion would be; you can always fall back on 'he gave her a salute proper to her station'. Things might work differently in this imaginary universe, but a messenger, even a messenger directly from Pharoah, would not fail to honor the Commander of the temple guards in ancient Egypt ( ... )

Re: Critique Further anonymous March 8 2007, 00:24:26 UTC

Do I care what happens to her? What happens next? Only slightly. This beginning is too slim to capture my interest. But it would be only a couple of pages long in book format. I usually give a book 35 pages before I give up. In order to hook me, there needs to be more conflict, more of a puzzle, more something. Like perhaps a shadowy figure sliding out of sight as Heneter crosses a corridor on her way to make preparations. Perhaps the page is found murdered in Nakhti's room or somebody else's that will cause trouble ( ... )

Re: Critique Further ranuel March 8 2007, 01:30:28 UTC

Lots to munch on! I have re-written these 2 1/2 pages so many times in the last year that I've lost track of what was there to begin with and I'm too familiar with the world to tell if I'm giving needed info or info dumping. If it gives you a clue with how long I've fought with it, I wrote the first rough draft before I posted the chapter where Ranuel and Heneter meet over at WAS IF last year ( ... )

Re: Critique ranuel March 8 2007, 02:04:39 UTC

I replied to your second post first and then realized I needed to be able to re-read this one to reply to the points in it ( ... )