Sword & Song Fragment

[ranuel]

Here is what I've got done on the first chapter.

I'm specifically looking for input on how well Heneter is set up as a character, how interested you are in what happens next, if you think she should eventually get involved with Nakhti far, far in the future, and how much, if any, effort should I put into details of the preparations for leaving and

Comments

Critique

[anonymous]

The first paragraph suffers from antecedant confusion. The "her" in "her...sword" would refer back to her opponent, not Heneter.

You might have Heneter admire Nakhti's body or some piece of it. That would help set the stage for the later "cheekiness." Also, it would sneak in a description. What does this group of Egyptians look like? Swarthy? More Nubian than Arabic?

< at first light in the morning> This is reduntant. 'at first light tomorrow' would be better.

This is just too 21st Century. Perhaps something more colorful, like "you smell like camel dung."

There shouldn't be a paragraph division between the page trotting up and his speech. Also, he should probably salute her in some fashion. I can't recall at the moment what the proper motion would be; you can always fall back on 'he gave her a salute proper to her station'. Things might work differently in this imaginary universe, but a messenger, even a messenger directly from Pharoah, would not fail to honor the Commander of the temple guards in ancient Egypt. This will also reinforce her position with the reader.

<“We have just come from the practice field do I have time to bathe and change?”> Run-on sentence. Punctuation needed - semi-colon or period and capitalization of "Do."

<“I believe so Lady. I found you sooner than I expected to so if you hurry it should be alright.”> Punctuation quibble - comma before "Lady" and one between 'to' and 'so'. Also, "alright " is another 20thCentury word. Something more like, 'so if you hurry, you will not keep the High Priest waiting.'

Once you begin with the interview with the spy master, I lose track of which empire is which. Is the Empire of the West different from the Romans? Same as? And exactly whose Empire is unstable? Also, when you speak of sickness striking the southern lands, is that the Roman's southern lands or the Western Empire's southern lands?

As to Heneter's character: She needs a bit more fleshing out, although a complete physical description isn't 100% necessary at this moment. You could mention her hair is black when she swipes at her sweaty self. The rest of the description could trickle out through the next few chapters. You could look at her through the eyes of the spy master, have him find her arrogant/confident, something like that.

-Spelunker

Re: Critique Further

[anonymous]

Do I care what happens to her? What happens next? Only slightly. This beginning is too slim to capture my interest. But it would be only a couple of pages long in book format. I usually give a book 35 pages before I give up. In order to hook me, there needs to be more conflict, more of a puzzle, more something. Like perhaps a shadowy figure sliding out of sight as Heneter crosses a corridor on her way to make preparations. Perhaps the page is found murdered in Nakhti's room or somebody else's that will cause trouble.

Some details of the preparations for leaving are necessary as they can help build tension, since the rest of this is so sparse. Heneter must make choices. Is she going to take any of the raw recruits? Does she have to consider sexual tensions between troopies? Is anyone leaving a mate behind? Does Nakhti go with her? Stay behind because he's the only one she can trust to keep the temple safe? How she deals with these things can help describe her character. If her guardsmen had already been described, the reader would already be making guesses as to who would be going and who would not.

Details of the voyage that help further the plot(s) are useful. Details that add to the picture of who these people are and what their world is like would be useful. How much do they worship their gods? Do they make a sacrifice to the gods for a safe voyage? Does a scoffer go up in flames when they reach the Waste in punishment for his non-belief? Is that shadowy figure seen again? Does ill-luck plague the voyage? If the voyage is smooth, then skip ahead to any troublesome moments.

I have a problem with a guard captain who is set up to handle security for an ambassador slipping quietly away. From my p.o.v., if she's gonna be absent by going to the Waste, she shouldn't be very visibly in the Ambassador's presence. For example, if I were doing this, she should put Nakhti in charge and appear as a minor subordinate so her absence wouldn't be remarked upon. (I call this the "Kirk leaves the bridge" syndrome, when important people suddenly go gallavanting off and nobody remarks on their absence) It bothers me.

-Spelunker

Re: Critique Further

[ranuel]

Lots to munch on! I have re-written these 2 1/2 pages so many times in the last year that I've lost track of what was there to begin with and I'm too familiar with the world to tell if I'm giving needed info or info dumping. If it gives you a clue with how long I've fought with it, I wrote the first rough draft before I posted the chapter where Ranuel and Heneter meet over at WAS IF last year.

You are right, it IS Kirk leaves the bridge and as a Trekie I'm so used to it that it doesn't even occur that it's not the usual thing. My original idea was to have her be in charge of the planning but to have one of her people be in charge when they get there. I lost track of that somewhere.

This isn't ancient Egypt, it's modern day for this world. Still, they are following the old ways and I need to make some things more formal.

Nakhti is being a very bad boy and insisting that he needs to come along and you aren't helping! I think he should stay behind at the Temple and run things in Heneter's absence. If so he wouldn't show up again for a long time.

I've got a scene between Heneter and Nakhti that would take place after this that goes into their history but I'm worried that it's too angsty too soon for anybody to care about their little drama.

BTW Heneter would nowadays be properly transcribed as He-Netjer but I wanted to stick with what Mary used and Heneter is easier to type and read than He-Netjer. What do you think?

Also, got any ideas for swears to replace "bloody hell" and "Damn"?

And I've lost track of what was in your first post so I'll continue in a reply to it.

Re: Critique

[ranuel]

I replied to your second post first and then realized I needed to be able to re-read this one to reply to the points in it.

Is it Friday yet?

The Empire of the West covers most of modern Spain and Portugal plus a good bit of the parts of N. Africa directly opposite. In Africa it shares a border with the lands ruled by Carthage which in turn borders Lower Egypt (the North), which is still un-renamed. Upper Egypt(the South) is currently in my notes as Khemet and at this time a separate nation ruled by a non-human Queen.

The peoples of Khemet are darker with mixture with the Nubians becoming more and more common as you get further South. The Egyptians (whatever I call them) are the lighter skinned Arabic types with some mixture from other Mediterranean peoples.

Now, the use of Khemet is wrong and it's an error that's held over from years ago that I'm fighting with myself over. Of the two Egypts the one that really should be Khemet is Upper Egypt since the name means "The black lands" and refers to the area that the inundation made suitable for farming and cities and Upper Egypt with its vast delta has the greater farm lands.

We've used Khemet to refer to Lower Egypt within the game for so long it's confusing to me to change but as soon as I find a name to substitute for it I know I need to do it.

The desert areas were "The red lands" but I've lost what that translates into.

In Europe I'm debating giving France to the Western Empire. The British Isles are iffy. Ireland is ruled by the kings of Tara but I'm not sure of the rest. They may have to pay tribute to or be directly ruled by the WE. In any case the Roman Empire borders it to the East and probably has from Germany over to somewhere around Hungary or Romania.

I wish I had a good map in Jpeg format and Photoshop.

My debate on the voyage goes like this:

On the one hand I can use it to introduce the nations and peoples of this alternate universe. On the other that could turn it into a boring travelogue. But, says I, I could introduce a little sub-adventure somewhere, like maybe Carthage, that could foreshadow the plot by the big bads that Heneter and company will end up neck deep in.

And then I realize I need to work out Carthage in more detail and I get sucked back into the world building. Which was really useful in a recent adventure I ran for the game. Not so useful to making progress on the book.

Punctuation is my bane since, even when I'm sure of a rule, I can often fail to apply it in my rush to type something and then miss it on a re-reading. For some reason lately I've found myself typing a period instead of a question mark and having to go back and change it at least 50% of the time.