Never Never Say 1/2
Fandom: Big Bang (pre-debut)
Pairing: Gseung
Rating: NC-17
Summary: To Hyunseung, it really didn't feel like the end.
Dedicated to my olymfics buddy miia (horrours) she beat me with the sharp stick of motivation whenever I needed it, and otherwise encouraged me for as long as it took me to finish this damn thing. ilu babes! ;3;
Okay wow, so I was watching the old Big Bang docu from back in the day and I got all these rampant Hyunseung feels I couldn’t handle, and this happened? This thing is 8.6k and that is way too long. 5k of it is porn. What the fuck is my life.
Enjoy.
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It really didn't feel like the end.
"Hey, Hyunseung, I'll give you the rest of this if you go get another bottle," Youngbae didn't even wait for Hyunseung to reply before he was pouring the remains of their fourth bottle of soju into Hyunseung's cup, leaning heavily into his shoulder and discarding the empty bottle with the others littering the coffee table.
Hyunseung sagged under the weight of his hyung, but still managed to grab his cup from the low table in front of them and knock back the contents- it was his first time drinking so much at once, and he was starting to relish the slight burn at the back of his throat, the spinning in his head, the wobbling room.
"Hyung, we've had a lot already." Hyunseung tried to point out, dropping his cup back down, but they weren't having it. "Hey, you just drank the last of it, so go get some more." Youngbae nudged his shoulder again, and Seunghyun leaned over to sling his arm around Hyunseung's neck. "C'mon Hyunseung, just do it. Hurry, hurry." He jerked the arm holding Hyunseung back and forth, jostling the younger until he gave in and pushed himself up from his spot on the floor.
Hyunseung waited for his dizzy head to adjust to his change in position before he turned and carefully padded across the room to the dining table, where the rest of the green bottles were sitting. Hyunseung had come back to the dorm for the final time after the cameras had stopped rolling, and they waited until everyone else left, even Bohyung noona, even Daesung, who still wasn't allowed to stay in the dorms; then Seunghyun snuck out and brought back two plastic bags clinking with soju bottles, stating that if this was Hyunseung's last night with them, they were making this shit memorable.
Hyunseung reached out and grabbed another bottle of Chamisul around the neck, his free hand resting on the smooth surface of the table that he'd eaten too many meals to count at. It was too weird to think he'd never eat at this table again, that he'd never again rummage through the fridge a few feet to his right or stack his dirty dishes in the sink or wrestle for space in their tiny sliver of a kitchen.
He didn't live here anymore, technically; he probably wasn't even supposed to be staying over this one last time, but the past two weeks back home had felt like a vacation, a long holiday, and now he was back where he belonged, back to fighting with his hyungs for shower time and falling asleep to little Seunghyun's noisy breathing and waking up to Jiyong gently shaking his arm. But the fact was, he didn't belong here anymore, and it was such a foreign concept that his brain was all but refusing to accept it.
This night was, after all, the final night, so Hyunseung wasn't quite sure why he was more composed than he'd been a few weeks ago, back at his first elimination, when he couldn't hold back his tears or breathe through the black hole swirling in his chest or think of anything beyond I'm not good enough I'm not good enough I'm not good enough I'm not-
He supposed the first failure prepared him for the second, helped him accept the moment he knew the maknae was going to be picked over him without the crushing weight of his own shortcomings bearing down on him like before. In that sense, he was more composed than he was a few weeks ago. Letting go of what had been his life for so long, though, was difficult to comprehend.
Hyunseung ended up grabbing two bottles, for good measure, and ambled back over to the others gathered around the coffee table. He carefully stepped around little Seunghyun sprawled on the floor, dead to the world; the maknae had hoarded almost the entire bottle of the good Andong soju for himself, and he was paying the price now. Hell, he barely had the sense to grab a flimsy pillow from the couch before he passed out cold.
That was twenty minutes ago, and of course the bigger Seunghyun had immediately gone rifling around the living room and kitchen, returning with a fat black marker; he and Youngbae had gleefully taken turns drawing all over the maknae's face while Hyunseung peered over their shoulders and Jiyong observed from his side of the coffee table, chuckling under his breath.
Hyunseung was grateful to his hyungs, who had been trying to keep the mood light the whole evening- cracking way too many crappy jokes that got funnier the more they drank; Seunghyun and Jiyong rapping together with wildly shitty lyrics that had Hyunseung bowed over the table, wheezing with laughter; Youngbae and Seunghyun constantly hanging their arms off Hyunseung's shoulders and pushing him around and generally being nuisances.
By the time they cracked open the second bottle Hyunseung had brought back, though, their conversation turned as serious as it had been in hours, breaching the subject that none of them had touched all night.
"The most important thing you can do now is not give up, Hyunseung." Youngbae knocked back his umpteenth shot of soju before fixing Hyunseung with a wavering gaze. "Even if Hyunsuk-hyung says you can't be in YG anymore, pretty much any other company will take you on in a heartbeat."
Youngbae held his cup out to Hyunseung to be refilled, and Hyunseung mulled over his hyung's words as he tipped more soju into the cup, nearly spilling it with his buzzing limbs. He knew it would probably be easy enough to join another company; that wasn't what was bothering him.
"Maybe," Hyunseung answered, plunking the soju bottle back down onto the table, "But it won't be the same, will it?" He thought about foreign practice rooms and new teachers and dancing unfamiliar choreo with unfamiliar trainees. He stared into his own half-empty cup, not feeling much like drinking anymore.
And then Seunghyun was beside Hyunseung, knocking shoulders with him. " 'Course it'll be different from here, but hey, you know where to find us. We're not going anywhere." He grinned down at Hyunseung, and Youngbae waved his cup in agreement. "And who knows? You might find something way better than us clowns."
Something twisted up tight in Hyunseung's chest; Impossible, he wanted to say, but the word clogged in his throat before it could escape.
Jiyong, who had been watching, silent and solemn like he did when puzzling over something that gave his infuriatingly perfectionist brain trouble, spoke up at last. "If you want to succeed, you will. It's as simple as that." He pushed his empty cup onto the table, staring straight at Hyunseung, his stern eyes glinting with something Hyunseung couldn't begin to read, even if he was sober.
Soon after, Seunghyun stumbled off into his and Jiyong's and Youngbae's room to change into his pajamas and never came back; Jiyong eventually got up to poke his head into the room and found Seunghyun face-down on his bed, knocked out.
"We've got another man down." He announced, padding back over to the coffee table in a wobbly line.
Youngbae let out a huge yawn and half-slumped onto the table. "I think I need to follow hyung's lead, cause that spot next to the maknae's starting to look really tempting. What time is it even, anyway?" He scrubbed a hand over his face and fished his cell phone from his pocket, flipping it open and squinting at the screen. "Jesus, 3:06. When did that happen?" He pocketed his phone again and braced his hands on the table to push himself to his feet, causing the empty bottles to rattle and clink together. "Yeah, I'm definitely out."
They unanimously agreed that they weren't even going to try moving little Seunghyun, instead draping the worn blanket they kept in the living room over the maknae's prone body and calling it a night. Youngbae shuffled to his designated room, while Jiyong followed Hyunseung in a teetering line to Hyunseung's- no, what used to be Hyunseung's and little Seunghyun's room, now just the maknae's, until Daesung moved in.
"You gonna sleep in here, hyung?" Hyunseung asked as they stumbled into the dark room with only the moonlight filtering through the window to guide them, trying and mostly failing to keep his head from spinning so hard.
"Yeah," Jiyong yawned and stretched his arms briefly over his head, his wifebeater pulling up just enough to reveal a strip of skin, "Seunghyun's snoring like a beast, there's no way I'll be able to sleep in there." He threw a small, but genuine grin at Hyunseung, and it felt like years since Hyunseung had seen it.
Glancing over at his bed (his old bed), expecting it to be stripped bare, Hyunseung was a little jarred to see his sheets still adorning the mattress, unmade and everything. It was really like he'd only been gone for his weekly visit home, and here his bed was, ready and waiting for him as always.
Jiyong moved into his peripheral, and Hyunseung looked up to see his hyung in front of him, eyes tracing over Hyunseung's face in a completely different way from the hard gaze he'd been studying Hyunseung with earlier. He reached up and pushed Hyunseung's bangs from his eyes, lips quirking in a tiny, soft smile. Hyunseung's heart stuttered in his chest, fighting the haze of alcohol in his system.
"You should really get your hair cut, you know," Jiyong murmured, sliding his hand down to cup the crook of Hyunseung's neck in an affectionate gesture, and suddenly, Hyunseung could barely breathe.
Everything he couldn't make sense of earlier rushed into him like a punch to the chest- that he would never again scrub himself down in their tiny shower with the shitty water pressure, or fight with little Seunghyun over who got to use the microwave first, or steal socks out of Youngbae's clean laundry; he wasn't going to be with them in the same way, not ever again, because even though the others promised they'd keep in contact with him, said he was welcome any time, Hyunseung knew the truth of their long, hard days of practice, of their impending debut, and there just wasn't room for him anymore.
And maybe worst of all, Jiyong wouldn't ever again have time to brush Hyunseung's hair out of his face, or clap him on the shoulder or fix his collar or yell at him in the way that got Hyunseung seething inside, and god, Hyunseung was drowning, his lungs were collapsing and his stomach was tied up in knots and the tears were coming now, blurring his vision and sliding hot down his cheeks, and he couldn't stop the pitiful little sob that wrenched out of his throat.
Hyunseung felt, rather than saw Jiyong's other hand come up to grip his shoulder, pull him in, snaking both arms around his neck to draw Hyunseung tight to him. "Hey, don't cry, don't cry," his hyung's voice was soft in his ear; Hyunseung's wet eyes were pressed into Jiyong's shoulder, making a damp, sticky mess on the exposed skin and the thin wifebeater strap, and Hyunseung really did try to stop, but it was so hard to when his life as he knew it was over.
Jiyong held onto him until the crashing tides receded, until the heaving in his chest was reduced to the occasional hiccup; then Jiyong's hands shifted to either side of his head and pulled Hyunseung up and away from his shoulder. His hands moved down to brush away the strands of hair stuck to Hyunseung's cheeks before he cupped them, using his thumbs to wipe at the wetness under Hyunseung's eyes.
Now that his vision had cleared somewhat, Hyunseung could see the glassy shine in Jiyong's own eyes, and though he was doing a much better job of holding it in, Hyunseung's stomach still sunk with the knowledge that his hyung was fighting to keep his head above water too. Jiyong's brows were pinched up, his mouth pursed as he searched Hyunseung's face with his damp gaze, and for a moment he looked so lost that it sent a jolt of fear into Hyunseung's gut.
"Look, just- I just...." Jiyong trailed off, looking away and out the window, clenching his hands a little more tightly against Hyunseung's jaw. When Jiyong swept his gaze back a moment later, Hyunseung watched a thousand unreadable shadows twist and flicker across Jiyong's face.
"I just....fuck." Jiyong's voice broke, just a slight crack, but that break rippled over his expression, and a second later he was leaning in, tugging Hyunseung forward to meet him; and maybe it was the soju soaking his brain, maybe it was the sheer surrealness of the situation, but Hyunseung honestly had no idea what Jiyong was trying to do until the moment their lips connected, solid and warm and tear-sticky.
And then Hyunseung's mind was sent tumbling, his heart torn between bursting into a furious drumbeat and freezing altogether.
Jiyong pulled back, flicking his eyes open again (when had he closed them?), and Hyunseung still saw the shadows wavering and the waves crashing and he desperately wanted to ask what is this, hyung? What is this? But his voice had packed up and fled his throat with the first touch of Jiyong's lips to his, and he couldn't utter a word if he tried.
So when Jiyong leaned forward again, Hyunseung didn't protest. When Jiyong pressed in with his chapped lips, Hyunseung pressed back; when Jiyong crowded up against him, nudging him back towards the bed, Hyunseung let him, falling onto the foot of the mattress with a slight bounce. Jiyong swooped down, placing his hands on either side of Hyunseung's waist, capturing his mouth again.
Jiyong leaned in further, parting his lips against Hyunseung's, and Hyunseung followed his hyung's lead, heart exploding against his ribcage because he had no fucking idea what he was doing, he'd never kissed anyone before, especially not a guy and oh god, they weren't supposed to be doing this, what were they doing, what were they doing? But then Jiyong's tongue was sliding over his own and his stomach flip-flopped, warmth shivering down his limbs.
There was no finesse to their clumsy, wet tangle of tongues, and the bitter tang of soju was mingling between them, but something purely Jiyong was invading every one of Hyunseung's senses and he didn't want to stop; there was something unfurling deep inside him, sending adrenaline rushing through his veins with each pump of blood, starting a low chant in his head that sounded suspiciously like want want want want-
Then Jiyong pulled back a little until their mouths were barely touching, flicking the tip of his tongue against Hyunseung's, and that touch jolted straight down to Hyunseung's dick; a tiny gasp escaped him and his shoulders jerked before he could stop it.
Jiyong pulled away fully and Hyunseung fluttered his eyes open; his hyung was staring into him, still that searching gaze but so much darker now, flickering and jumping with something that clenched at Hyunseung's heart, and Jiyong whispered "Scoot up." His slightly gravelly voice was lower, rougher than Hyunseung had ever heard it, and his gut twisted and the want want want was spiralling though his head as he pushed his body backwards across the mattress.
As soon as Hyunseung was back far enough Jiyong followed, clambering onto the bed and crawling up Hyunseung's legs until he was half-looming over the younger's body. Instead of diving in to lock lips again, Jiyong dipped lower and nudged Hyunseung's chin up with his nose, licking a stripe over his exposed neck.
Hyunseung jumped a little at the unexpected contact; Jiyong attached his lips where his tongue had just trailed, sucking until he had just a little of Hyunseung's skin between his teeth, and the half-moan that tumbled out of Hyunseung's mouth was just as embarrassing as it was surprising.
His body arched into the contact at the same time he hunched his shoulder up to shy away from it, strange and sensitive; Jiyong didn't give him a chance to move away though, pecking and nipping and leaving wet, sucking kisses along the expanse of Hyunseung's throat; Hyunseung squirmed and fought to keep other noises clamped up in his mouth and he was definitely hard now, each lick and nip shivering through him until he was straining against his jeans. He just prayed for the darkness to mask it from Jiyong, because god he couldn't even think that far ahead right now.
One of Jiyong's hands rose up from the mattress, sliding over Hyunseung's hip until he was at the hem of the younger's shirt, twisting and toying with the fabric, hesitating, before he finally slipped his fingers underneath. A tiny shiver rolled through Hyunseung as his hyung's warm fingers slid over his skin, stroking his side, brushing over his stomach, climbing up to his chest where his heart was still thrumming wildly.
Then Jiyong shifted, drawing up on his knees and pulling his hand back until it was gripping the hem of Hyunseung's shirt once more; his other hand snaked up to snag Hyunseung's shirt too, and then he was tugging it up, up, wordlessly coaxing Hyunseung to raise his arms. Hyunseung obeyed and let the garment be tugged up over his head, his heart giving another kick when the air touched his newly exposed skin.
As soon as his shirt was gone and Jiyong's eyes were raking over him, though, Hyunseung wished he'd never relinquished his clothing; he wanted to curl up, cover his skinny arms and flat chest from Jiyong's raw gaze, even though his hyung had seen him shirtless too many time to count, but this was different, so different in a way Hyunseung couldn't put into words and he-
But Jiyong pounced again in the middle of Hyunseung's cascading self-doubt, attaching his lips to the crook of Hyunseung's neck and slowly mouthing over his shoulder, giving him a bite hard enough to jerk Hyunseung from his thoughts. Nipping his way back towards Hyunseung's throat, Jiyong let his hand wander down Hyunseung's chest, drawing circles and scratching with blunt nails and sweeping a feather-light touch down to his bellybutton.
Hyunseung had fleeting thoughts of pushing his hands under Jiyong's wifebeater, running over the smooth skin there, demanding that the flimsy piece of clothing be done away with like his hyung had with him, but the trembling, choking fear at what they were doing whispering in his mind (what was this, what was this?) gripped Hyunseung much tighter, keeping his arms limp and useless at his sides.
Jiyong latched on at the juncture of Hyunseung's neck and shoulder, using his tongue and sucking hard enough to have Hyunseung shivering, his dick throbbing in the confines of his pants. Jiyong's fingers had been idling at Hyunseung's waistband, unsure, and Hyunseung had nearly forgotten about them; now they trailed past Hyunseung's skin, pausing at the metal button holding the fabric together, and Hyunseung barely had time to think what is he doing what is he before Jiyong was sliding his fingers over Hyunseung's clothed hard-on, firm and deliberate.
Hyunseung couldn't help it, he jumped, a sharp breath escaping him; his arm sprang to life long enough to fly up and around Jiyong’s back, gripping his shirt like a vice. Jiyong didn’t waste any more time hesistating; he cupped Hyunseung through his jeans, rubbing the flat of his palm in a rocking motion over his dick and it was through two layers of fabric but god it was the best thing Hyunseung had ever felt and his limbs were quivering, his insides were melting because of it.
Hyunseung couldn’t even hear past the blood rushing in his ears before Jiyong was ripping himself away from Hyunseung, rising up on wobbly knees once again. Almost in a daze, Hyunseung watched Jiyong snag his wifebeater up wrestle it over his head with an urgency Hyunseung hadn't noticed before. Bare skin revealed, Jiyong tossed the fabric off to the side; he was barely more built than Hyunseung himself was, but he'd always been so much bigger than Hyunseung- a consuming presence, natural and undeniable in a way that Hyunseung could only dream of, and he was drowning in it now.
Jiyong's eyes razed down Hyunseung's body for a split second before his hands were coming down, fumbling with the button on Hyunseung's jeans and tugging them open, the zipper sliding down with it; and like he couldn't decide what he wanted first Jiyong's hands left Hyunseung to hook his fingers into his own sweats and jerk them down halfway, letting the hard-on tenting his boxers spring out before he was back to Hyunseung, taking the waistband of his jeans and hauling it down with force to Hyunseung's thighs in two jerks.
Hyunseung's limbs were quivering again and his gut was on fire and that fear was clenching in his chest as Jiyong's hands slid down his legs to grip the ends of the fabric at his ankles, tugging the skinny jeans in halting motions; Hyunseung still lifted his body to help his hyung slide the clothing off, but he was trembling inside; oh god, he was almost naked, naked and hard in front of another guy, and he wasn't ready for this and they weren't supposed to be doing this because that made them- that made him-
Jiyong discarded the jeans over the side of the bed and wiggled his sweats past his knees before he was leaning down, spearing Hyunseung with his ragged gaze, reaching out and grinding his palm down onto Hyunseung's dick, covered only by the thin, flimsy fabric of his boxers, and jesus Hyunseung could feel the heat from his hyung's hand- he jerked helplessly, letting out a shuddering breath that was swallowed by Jiyong's mouth covering his own.
His hyung's boldness tamped down the sick fear wrapping around him for the time being, and Hyunseung was lost in the desperate tangle of tongues again. Jiyong brought his arms up to rest just above Hyunseung's shoulders as he carefully lowered himself, lining up their bodies and pressing his hips down, and god that was his hyung's dick sliding against his own, oh god oh god oh god-
Hyunseung's half-choked whimper escaped him at the same time Jiyong let out a shaky sigh, the two mingling together as Jiyong ground their hips together, and Hyunseung scrabbled his hands up to anchor himself to Jiyong's back so he wouldn't be pulled under the whirling current, the rough slide of fabric and the barely veiled heat and the friction that was driving him over the edge and the little noises catching in his hyung's throat and the want want want want was flooding him now, rushing through his veins and drowning his thoughts.
Jiyong broke their kiss and trailed down the opposite side of Hyunseung's throat, lifting his hips up and away from Hyunseung's and writhing around until he managed to kick his sweats the rest of the way off, but his hips didn't come down to cover Hyunseung's again and Hyunseung was about two seconds away from straining his own hips up, from breaking his silence to breathlessly whisper please do that again hyung, please, but then Jiyong nipped at his collarbone, dragging his fingers down Hyunseung's torso and stopping at his navel.
His hyung's fingers dipped under the thin waistband of his boxers, pausing; Hyunseung's heart stuttered again, speeding up until it was thundering in his chest so loud he was sure the thump thump thumping could be heard clear across the room, and then Jiyong was diving in, sliding past the fabric, fingertips bumping into the head of Hyunseung's dick and it was like electricity jolting through him and god god god no one had ever touched him there and he wasn't ready, he wasn't-
Jiyong brushed his fingers down to wrap around Hyunseung, warm and firm, giving an experimental tug; Hyunseung's lungs constricted, his throat closed up, and he didn't have to worry about making embarrassing noises because he couldn't if he fucking tried. Jiyong set a slow pace, pumping up and down, up and down, and all Hyunseung could do was dig his nails into Jiyong's shoulderblades and he didn't understand how someone else's hand could feel leaps and bounds and leagues better than his own, and jesus someone else's hand was on his dick, someone was touching him, Jiyong was touching him, oh god.
Dragging his lips across Hyunseung's jawline, Jiyong captured his mouth in another clumsy kiss that Hyunseung could barely reciprocate because his world had narrowed down to his hyung's hand pumping his dick, and he was terrified and exhilerated and shaky and buzzing, so when Jiyong pulled away again, taking his mouth and his hand with him, Hyunseung could only blink, dumbfounded; the words what and why flitted through his brain as he he watched Jiyong hover over him, balancing on one hand and using the other to snake up to his own waist, grab at the elastic of his boxers, pull it down, down and oh.
Jiyong shifted to tug his boxers past his knees, and the blood was rushing in Hyunseung's ears again because he was staring at his hyung's dick, barely more than an outline in the paltry moonlight but more than enough for Hyunseung's eyes to linger over the curve of the head, the wiry patch of hair below it, the way it bobbed against Jiyong's taut stomach when he leaned back to free his legs from his boxers completely, thighs flexing; Hyunseung was scared, so scared because he wanted, oh god he wanted, and he wasn't even sure what he wanted but it was surging through his limbs, stealing his breath away, and what did that make him?
Bold as ever, Jiyong slid his hands over Hyunseung's hipbones to grip the waistband of his boxers, lifting the elastic at the front to avoid catching on Hyunseng's dick as he shimmied the clothing down, and Hyunseung was so afraid his stomach was roiling with it, warring against the heat spreading low in his gut; even so, he lifted his hips for Jiyong to slide the clothing over the curve of his ass, past his thighs, until they were slipping off his feet and being thrown to the floor.
Hyunseung's heart was thudding sluggishly in his chest, his cheeks were flushing hot and half of him wanted to snap his legs shut, scramble under the covers, plead stop looking at me, please stop, but Jiyong had shed his clothing with little qualm, had let Hyunseung shamelessly drink in his nude body, so Hyunseung could at least pretend to have half the confidence of his hyung- but he couldn't handle watching Jiyong's lidded gaze wrack up and down his frame. Squeezing his eyes shut, Hyunseung turned his his head and buried his face into the pillow below him; instead of his own familiar scent, the smell of Jiyong's shampoo lingered there.
Jiyong lowered himself over Hyunseung onto his forearms again, and though Hyunseung couldn't see, the heat rolling off his hyung's bare skin mere centimeters away sent chills through him. Jiyong nudged his head into the crook of Hyunseung's shoulder, resting his parted lips against the younger's throat, and rocked his hips forward; the glide of warm skin over the inside of his thighs registered in Hyunseung's brain seconds before Jiyong's dick was sliding over his own, all silken heat and grinding contact and fuck, Hyunseung jolted up into it.
PART 2
Pairing: Gseung
Rating: NC-17
Summary: To Hyunseung, it really didn't feel like the end.
Dedicated to my olymfics buddy miia (horrours) she beat me with the sharp stick of motivation whenever I needed it, and otherwise encouraged me for as long as it took me to finish this damn thing. ilu babes! ;3;
Okay wow, so I was watching the old Big Bang docu from back in the day and I got all these rampant Hyunseung feels I couldn’t handle, and this happened? This thing is 8.6k and that is way too long. 5k of it is porn. What the fuck is my life.
Enjoy.
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It really didn't feel like the end.
"Hey, Hyunseung, I'll give you the rest of this if you go get another bottle," Youngbae didn't even wait for Hyunseung to reply before he was pouring the remains of their fourth bottle of soju into Hyunseung's cup, leaning heavily into his shoulder and discarding the empty bottle with the others littering the coffee table.
Hyunseung sagged under the weight of his hyung, but still managed to grab his cup from the low table in front of them and knock back the contents- it was his first time drinking so much at once, and he was starting to relish the slight burn at the back of his throat, the spinning in his head, the wobbling room.
"Hyung, we've had a lot already." Hyunseung tried to point out, dropping his cup back down, but they weren't having it. "Hey, you just drank the last of it, so go get some more." Youngbae nudged his shoulder again, and Seunghyun leaned over to sling his arm around Hyunseung's neck. "C'mon Hyunseung, just do it. Hurry, hurry." He jerked the arm holding Hyunseung back and forth, jostling the younger until he gave in and pushed himself up from his spot on the floor.
Hyunseung waited for his dizzy head to adjust to his change in position before he turned and carefully padded across the room to the dining table, where the rest of the green bottles were sitting. Hyunseung had come back to the dorm for the final time after the cameras had stopped rolling, and they waited until everyone else left, even Bohyung noona, even Daesung, who still wasn't allowed to stay in the dorms; then Seunghyun snuck out and brought back two plastic bags clinking with soju bottles, stating that if this was Hyunseung's last night with them, they were making this shit memorable.
Hyunseung reached out and grabbed another bottle of Chamisul around the neck, his free hand resting on the smooth surface of the table that he'd eaten too many meals to count at. It was too weird to think he'd never eat at this table again, that he'd never again rummage through the fridge a few feet to his right or stack his dirty dishes in the sink or wrestle for space in their tiny sliver of a kitchen.
He didn't live here anymore, technically; he probably wasn't even supposed to be staying over this one last time, but the past two weeks back home had felt like a vacation, a long holiday, and now he was back where he belonged, back to fighting with his hyungs for shower time and falling asleep to little Seunghyun's noisy breathing and waking up to Jiyong gently shaking his arm. But the fact was, he didn't belong here anymore, and it was such a foreign concept that his brain was all but refusing to accept it.
This night was, after all, the final night, so Hyunseung wasn't quite sure why he was more composed than he'd been a few weeks ago, back at his first elimination, when he couldn't hold back his tears or breathe through the black hole swirling in his chest or think of anything beyond I'm not good enough I'm not good enough I'm not good enough I'm not-
He supposed the first failure prepared him for the second, helped him accept the moment he knew the maknae was going to be picked over him without the crushing weight of his own shortcomings bearing down on him like before. In that sense, he was more composed than he was a few weeks ago. Letting go of what had been his life for so long, though, was difficult to comprehend.
Hyunseung ended up grabbing two bottles, for good measure, and ambled back over to the others gathered around the coffee table. He carefully stepped around little Seunghyun sprawled on the floor, dead to the world; the maknae had hoarded almost the entire bottle of the good Andong soju for himself, and he was paying the price now. Hell, he barely had the sense to grab a flimsy pillow from the couch before he passed out cold.
That was twenty minutes ago, and of course the bigger Seunghyun had immediately gone rifling around the living room and kitchen, returning with a fat black marker; he and Youngbae had gleefully taken turns drawing all over the maknae's face while Hyunseung peered over their shoulders and Jiyong observed from his side of the coffee table, chuckling under his breath.
Hyunseung was grateful to his hyungs, who had been trying to keep the mood light the whole evening- cracking way too many crappy jokes that got funnier the more they drank; Seunghyun and Jiyong rapping together with wildly shitty lyrics that had Hyunseung bowed over the table, wheezing with laughter; Youngbae and Seunghyun constantly hanging their arms off Hyunseung's shoulders and pushing him around and generally being nuisances.
By the time they cracked open the second bottle Hyunseung had brought back, though, their conversation turned as serious as it had been in hours, breaching the subject that none of them had touched all night.
"The most important thing you can do now is not give up, Hyunseung." Youngbae knocked back his umpteenth shot of soju before fixing Hyunseung with a wavering gaze. "Even if Hyunsuk-hyung says you can't be in YG anymore, pretty much any other company will take you on in a heartbeat."
Youngbae held his cup out to Hyunseung to be refilled, and Hyunseung mulled over his hyung's words as he tipped more soju into the cup, nearly spilling it with his buzzing limbs. He knew it would probably be easy enough to join another company; that wasn't what was bothering him.
"Maybe," Hyunseung answered, plunking the soju bottle back down onto the table, "But it won't be the same, will it?" He thought about foreign practice rooms and new teachers and dancing unfamiliar choreo with unfamiliar trainees. He stared into his own half-empty cup, not feeling much like drinking anymore.
And then Seunghyun was beside Hyunseung, knocking shoulders with him. " 'Course it'll be different from here, but hey, you know where to find us. We're not going anywhere." He grinned down at Hyunseung, and Youngbae waved his cup in agreement. "And who knows? You might find something way better than us clowns."
Something twisted up tight in Hyunseung's chest; Impossible, he wanted to say, but the word clogged in his throat before it could escape.
Jiyong, who had been watching, silent and solemn like he did when puzzling over something that gave his infuriatingly perfectionist brain trouble, spoke up at last. "If you want to succeed, you will. It's as simple as that." He pushed his empty cup onto the table, staring straight at Hyunseung, his stern eyes glinting with something Hyunseung couldn't begin to read, even if he was sober.
Soon after, Seunghyun stumbled off into his and Jiyong's and Youngbae's room to change into his pajamas and never came back; Jiyong eventually got up to poke his head into the room and found Seunghyun face-down on his bed, knocked out.
"We've got another man down." He announced, padding back over to the coffee table in a wobbly line.
Youngbae let out a huge yawn and half-slumped onto the table. "I think I need to follow hyung's lead, cause that spot next to the maknae's starting to look really tempting. What time is it even, anyway?" He scrubbed a hand over his face and fished his cell phone from his pocket, flipping it open and squinting at the screen. "Jesus, 3:06. When did that happen?" He pocketed his phone again and braced his hands on the table to push himself to his feet, causing the empty bottles to rattle and clink together. "Yeah, I'm definitely out."
They unanimously agreed that they weren't even going to try moving little Seunghyun, instead draping the worn blanket they kept in the living room over the maknae's prone body and calling it a night. Youngbae shuffled to his designated room, while Jiyong followed Hyunseung in a teetering line to Hyunseung's- no, what used to be Hyunseung's and little Seunghyun's room, now just the maknae's, until Daesung moved in.
"You gonna sleep in here, hyung?" Hyunseung asked as they stumbled into the dark room with only the moonlight filtering through the window to guide them, trying and mostly failing to keep his head from spinning so hard.
"Yeah," Jiyong yawned and stretched his arms briefly over his head, his wifebeater pulling up just enough to reveal a strip of skin, "Seunghyun's snoring like a beast, there's no way I'll be able to sleep in there." He threw a small, but genuine grin at Hyunseung, and it felt like years since Hyunseung had seen it.
Glancing over at his bed (his old bed), expecting it to be stripped bare, Hyunseung was a little jarred to see his sheets still adorning the mattress, unmade and everything. It was really like he'd only been gone for his weekly visit home, and here his bed was, ready and waiting for him as always.
Jiyong moved into his peripheral, and Hyunseung looked up to see his hyung in front of him, eyes tracing over Hyunseung's face in a completely different way from the hard gaze he'd been studying Hyunseung with earlier. He reached up and pushed Hyunseung's bangs from his eyes, lips quirking in a tiny, soft smile. Hyunseung's heart stuttered in his chest, fighting the haze of alcohol in his system.
"You should really get your hair cut, you know," Jiyong murmured, sliding his hand down to cup the crook of Hyunseung's neck in an affectionate gesture, and suddenly, Hyunseung could barely breathe.
Everything he couldn't make sense of earlier rushed into him like a punch to the chest- that he would never again scrub himself down in their tiny shower with the shitty water pressure, or fight with little Seunghyun over who got to use the microwave first, or steal socks out of Youngbae's clean laundry; he wasn't going to be with them in the same way, not ever again, because even though the others promised they'd keep in contact with him, said he was welcome any time, Hyunseung knew the truth of their long, hard days of practice, of their impending debut, and there just wasn't room for him anymore.
And maybe worst of all, Jiyong wouldn't ever again have time to brush Hyunseung's hair out of his face, or clap him on the shoulder or fix his collar or yell at him in the way that got Hyunseung seething inside, and god, Hyunseung was drowning, his lungs were collapsing and his stomach was tied up in knots and the tears were coming now, blurring his vision and sliding hot down his cheeks, and he couldn't stop the pitiful little sob that wrenched out of his throat.
Hyunseung felt, rather than saw Jiyong's other hand come up to grip his shoulder, pull him in, snaking both arms around his neck to draw Hyunseung tight to him. "Hey, don't cry, don't cry," his hyung's voice was soft in his ear; Hyunseung's wet eyes were pressed into Jiyong's shoulder, making a damp, sticky mess on the exposed skin and the thin wifebeater strap, and Hyunseung really did try to stop, but it was so hard to when his life as he knew it was over.
Jiyong held onto him until the crashing tides receded, until the heaving in his chest was reduced to the occasional hiccup; then Jiyong's hands shifted to either side of his head and pulled Hyunseung up and away from his shoulder. His hands moved down to brush away the strands of hair stuck to Hyunseung's cheeks before he cupped them, using his thumbs to wipe at the wetness under Hyunseung's eyes.
Now that his vision had cleared somewhat, Hyunseung could see the glassy shine in Jiyong's own eyes, and though he was doing a much better job of holding it in, Hyunseung's stomach still sunk with the knowledge that his hyung was fighting to keep his head above water too. Jiyong's brows were pinched up, his mouth pursed as he searched Hyunseung's face with his damp gaze, and for a moment he looked so lost that it sent a jolt of fear into Hyunseung's gut.
"Look, just- I just...." Jiyong trailed off, looking away and out the window, clenching his hands a little more tightly against Hyunseung's jaw. When Jiyong swept his gaze back a moment later, Hyunseung watched a thousand unreadable shadows twist and flicker across Jiyong's face.
"I just....fuck." Jiyong's voice broke, just a slight crack, but that break rippled over his expression, and a second later he was leaning in, tugging Hyunseung forward to meet him; and maybe it was the soju soaking his brain, maybe it was the sheer surrealness of the situation, but Hyunseung honestly had no idea what Jiyong was trying to do until the moment their lips connected, solid and warm and tear-sticky.
And then Hyunseung's mind was sent tumbling, his heart torn between bursting into a furious drumbeat and freezing altogether.
Jiyong pulled back, flicking his eyes open again (when had he closed them?), and Hyunseung still saw the shadows wavering and the waves crashing and he desperately wanted to ask what is this, hyung? What is this? But his voice had packed up and fled his throat with the first touch of Jiyong's lips to his, and he couldn't utter a word if he tried.
So when Jiyong leaned forward again, Hyunseung didn't protest. When Jiyong pressed in with his chapped lips, Hyunseung pressed back; when Jiyong crowded up against him, nudging him back towards the bed, Hyunseung let him, falling onto the foot of the mattress with a slight bounce. Jiyong swooped down, placing his hands on either side of Hyunseung's waist, capturing his mouth again.
Jiyong leaned in further, parting his lips against Hyunseung's, and Hyunseung followed his hyung's lead, heart exploding against his ribcage because he had no fucking idea what he was doing, he'd never kissed anyone before, especially not a guy and oh god, they weren't supposed to be doing this, what were they doing, what were they doing? But then Jiyong's tongue was sliding over his own and his stomach flip-flopped, warmth shivering down his limbs.
There was no finesse to their clumsy, wet tangle of tongues, and the bitter tang of soju was mingling between them, but something purely Jiyong was invading every one of Hyunseung's senses and he didn't want to stop; there was something unfurling deep inside him, sending adrenaline rushing through his veins with each pump of blood, starting a low chant in his head that sounded suspiciously like want want want want-
Then Jiyong pulled back a little until their mouths were barely touching, flicking the tip of his tongue against Hyunseung's, and that touch jolted straight down to Hyunseung's dick; a tiny gasp escaped him and his shoulders jerked before he could stop it.
Jiyong pulled away fully and Hyunseung fluttered his eyes open; his hyung was staring into him, still that searching gaze but so much darker now, flickering and jumping with something that clenched at Hyunseung's heart, and Jiyong whispered "Scoot up." His slightly gravelly voice was lower, rougher than Hyunseung had ever heard it, and his gut twisted and the want want want was spiralling though his head as he pushed his body backwards across the mattress.
As soon as Hyunseung was back far enough Jiyong followed, clambering onto the bed and crawling up Hyunseung's legs until he was half-looming over the younger's body. Instead of diving in to lock lips again, Jiyong dipped lower and nudged Hyunseung's chin up with his nose, licking a stripe over his exposed neck.
Hyunseung jumped a little at the unexpected contact; Jiyong attached his lips where his tongue had just trailed, sucking until he had just a little of Hyunseung's skin between his teeth, and the half-moan that tumbled out of Hyunseung's mouth was just as embarrassing as it was surprising.
His body arched into the contact at the same time he hunched his shoulder up to shy away from it, strange and sensitive; Jiyong didn't give him a chance to move away though, pecking and nipping and leaving wet, sucking kisses along the expanse of Hyunseung's throat; Hyunseung squirmed and fought to keep other noises clamped up in his mouth and he was definitely hard now, each lick and nip shivering through him until he was straining against his jeans. He just prayed for the darkness to mask it from Jiyong, because god he couldn't even think that far ahead right now.
One of Jiyong's hands rose up from the mattress, sliding over Hyunseung's hip until he was at the hem of the younger's shirt, twisting and toying with the fabric, hesitating, before he finally slipped his fingers underneath. A tiny shiver rolled through Hyunseung as his hyung's warm fingers slid over his skin, stroking his side, brushing over his stomach, climbing up to his chest where his heart was still thrumming wildly.
Then Jiyong shifted, drawing up on his knees and pulling his hand back until it was gripping the hem of Hyunseung's shirt once more; his other hand snaked up to snag Hyunseung's shirt too, and then he was tugging it up, up, wordlessly coaxing Hyunseung to raise his arms. Hyunseung obeyed and let the garment be tugged up over his head, his heart giving another kick when the air touched his newly exposed skin.
As soon as his shirt was gone and Jiyong's eyes were raking over him, though, Hyunseung wished he'd never relinquished his clothing; he wanted to curl up, cover his skinny arms and flat chest from Jiyong's raw gaze, even though his hyung had seen him shirtless too many time to count, but this was different, so different in a way Hyunseung couldn't put into words and he-
But Jiyong pounced again in the middle of Hyunseung's cascading self-doubt, attaching his lips to the crook of Hyunseung's neck and slowly mouthing over his shoulder, giving him a bite hard enough to jerk Hyunseung from his thoughts. Nipping his way back towards Hyunseung's throat, Jiyong let his hand wander down Hyunseung's chest, drawing circles and scratching with blunt nails and sweeping a feather-light touch down to his bellybutton.
Hyunseung had fleeting thoughts of pushing his hands under Jiyong's wifebeater, running over the smooth skin there, demanding that the flimsy piece of clothing be done away with like his hyung had with him, but the trembling, choking fear at what they were doing whispering in his mind (what was this, what was this?) gripped Hyunseung much tighter, keeping his arms limp and useless at his sides.
Jiyong latched on at the juncture of Hyunseung's neck and shoulder, using his tongue and sucking hard enough to have Hyunseung shivering, his dick throbbing in the confines of his pants. Jiyong's fingers had been idling at Hyunseung's waistband, unsure, and Hyunseung had nearly forgotten about them; now they trailed past Hyunseung's skin, pausing at the metal button holding the fabric together, and Hyunseung barely had time to think what is he doing what is he before Jiyong was sliding his fingers over Hyunseung's clothed hard-on, firm and deliberate.
Hyunseung couldn't help it, he jumped, a sharp breath escaping him; his arm sprang to life long enough to fly up and around Jiyong’s back, gripping his shirt like a vice. Jiyong didn’t waste any more time hesistating; he cupped Hyunseung through his jeans, rubbing the flat of his palm in a rocking motion over his dick and it was through two layers of fabric but god it was the best thing Hyunseung had ever felt and his limbs were quivering, his insides were melting because of it.
Hyunseung couldn’t even hear past the blood rushing in his ears before Jiyong was ripping himself away from Hyunseung, rising up on wobbly knees once again. Almost in a daze, Hyunseung watched Jiyong snag his wifebeater up wrestle it over his head with an urgency Hyunseung hadn't noticed before. Bare skin revealed, Jiyong tossed the fabric off to the side; he was barely more built than Hyunseung himself was, but he'd always been so much bigger than Hyunseung- a consuming presence, natural and undeniable in a way that Hyunseung could only dream of, and he was drowning in it now.
Jiyong's eyes razed down Hyunseung's body for a split second before his hands were coming down, fumbling with the button on Hyunseung's jeans and tugging them open, the zipper sliding down with it; and like he couldn't decide what he wanted first Jiyong's hands left Hyunseung to hook his fingers into his own sweats and jerk them down halfway, letting the hard-on tenting his boxers spring out before he was back to Hyunseung, taking the waistband of his jeans and hauling it down with force to Hyunseung's thighs in two jerks.
Hyunseung's limbs were quivering again and his gut was on fire and that fear was clenching in his chest as Jiyong's hands slid down his legs to grip the ends of the fabric at his ankles, tugging the skinny jeans in halting motions; Hyunseung still lifted his body to help his hyung slide the clothing off, but he was trembling inside; oh god, he was almost naked, naked and hard in front of another guy, and he wasn't ready for this and they weren't supposed to be doing this because that made them- that made him-
Jiyong discarded the jeans over the side of the bed and wiggled his sweats past his knees before he was leaning down, spearing Hyunseung with his ragged gaze, reaching out and grinding his palm down onto Hyunseung's dick, covered only by the thin, flimsy fabric of his boxers, and jesus Hyunseung could feel the heat from his hyung's hand- he jerked helplessly, letting out a shuddering breath that was swallowed by Jiyong's mouth covering his own.
His hyung's boldness tamped down the sick fear wrapping around him for the time being, and Hyunseung was lost in the desperate tangle of tongues again. Jiyong brought his arms up to rest just above Hyunseung's shoulders as he carefully lowered himself, lining up their bodies and pressing his hips down, and god that was his hyung's dick sliding against his own, oh god oh god oh god-
Hyunseung's half-choked whimper escaped him at the same time Jiyong let out a shaky sigh, the two mingling together as Jiyong ground their hips together, and Hyunseung scrabbled his hands up to anchor himself to Jiyong's back so he wouldn't be pulled under the whirling current, the rough slide of fabric and the barely veiled heat and the friction that was driving him over the edge and the little noises catching in his hyung's throat and the want want want want was flooding him now, rushing through his veins and drowning his thoughts.
Jiyong broke their kiss and trailed down the opposite side of Hyunseung's throat, lifting his hips up and away from Hyunseung's and writhing around until he managed to kick his sweats the rest of the way off, but his hips didn't come down to cover Hyunseung's again and Hyunseung was about two seconds away from straining his own hips up, from breaking his silence to breathlessly whisper please do that again hyung, please, but then Jiyong nipped at his collarbone, dragging his fingers down Hyunseung's torso and stopping at his navel.
His hyung's fingers dipped under the thin waistband of his boxers, pausing; Hyunseung's heart stuttered again, speeding up until it was thundering in his chest so loud he was sure the thump thump thumping could be heard clear across the room, and then Jiyong was diving in, sliding past the fabric, fingertips bumping into the head of Hyunseung's dick and it was like electricity jolting through him and god god god no one had ever touched him there and he wasn't ready, he wasn't-
Jiyong brushed his fingers down to wrap around Hyunseung, warm and firm, giving an experimental tug; Hyunseung's lungs constricted, his throat closed up, and he didn't have to worry about making embarrassing noises because he couldn't if he fucking tried. Jiyong set a slow pace, pumping up and down, up and down, and all Hyunseung could do was dig his nails into Jiyong's shoulderblades and he didn't understand how someone else's hand could feel leaps and bounds and leagues better than his own, and jesus someone else's hand was on his dick, someone was touching him, Jiyong was touching him, oh god.
Dragging his lips across Hyunseung's jawline, Jiyong captured his mouth in another clumsy kiss that Hyunseung could barely reciprocate because his world had narrowed down to his hyung's hand pumping his dick, and he was terrified and exhilerated and shaky and buzzing, so when Jiyong pulled away again, taking his mouth and his hand with him, Hyunseung could only blink, dumbfounded; the words what and why flitted through his brain as he he watched Jiyong hover over him, balancing on one hand and using the other to snake up to his own waist, grab at the elastic of his boxers, pull it down, down and oh.
Jiyong shifted to tug his boxers past his knees, and the blood was rushing in Hyunseung's ears again because he was staring at his hyung's dick, barely more than an outline in the paltry moonlight but more than enough for Hyunseung's eyes to linger over the curve of the head, the wiry patch of hair below it, the way it bobbed against Jiyong's taut stomach when he leaned back to free his legs from his boxers completely, thighs flexing; Hyunseung was scared, so scared because he wanted, oh god he wanted, and he wasn't even sure what he wanted but it was surging through his limbs, stealing his breath away, and what did that make him?
Bold as ever, Jiyong slid his hands over Hyunseung's hipbones to grip the waistband of his boxers, lifting the elastic at the front to avoid catching on Hyunseng's dick as he shimmied the clothing down, and Hyunseung was so afraid his stomach was roiling with it, warring against the heat spreading low in his gut; even so, he lifted his hips for Jiyong to slide the clothing over the curve of his ass, past his thighs, until they were slipping off his feet and being thrown to the floor.
Hyunseung's heart was thudding sluggishly in his chest, his cheeks were flushing hot and half of him wanted to snap his legs shut, scramble under the covers, plead stop looking at me, please stop, but Jiyong had shed his clothing with little qualm, had let Hyunseung shamelessly drink in his nude body, so Hyunseung could at least pretend to have half the confidence of his hyung- but he couldn't handle watching Jiyong's lidded gaze wrack up and down his frame. Squeezing his eyes shut, Hyunseung turned his his head and buried his face into the pillow below him; instead of his own familiar scent, the smell of Jiyong's shampoo lingered there.
Jiyong lowered himself over Hyunseung onto his forearms again, and though Hyunseung couldn't see, the heat rolling off his hyung's bare skin mere centimeters away sent chills through him. Jiyong nudged his head into the crook of Hyunseung's shoulder, resting his parted lips against the younger's throat, and rocked his hips forward; the glide of warm skin over the inside of his thighs registered in Hyunseung's brain seconds before Jiyong's dick was sliding over his own, all silken heat and grinding contact and fuck, Hyunseung jolted up into it.
PART 2