FIC: New Dawn: Light (Part Three)
This is the third and final part of my three part series.
Scariest stuff I've ever written. I hope all of you like it.
Love..
Series: New Dawn (A trilogy)
Title: New Dawn: Light (Part Three)
Author: Rakshi ( rakshi@diversesouls.com )
Rating: PG13
Pairing: Sean Astin/Elijah Wood
Summary: Sean comes home.
Archive: The Sean-Elijah web site. Others please ask.
Disclaimer: The stories here are works of satirical fantasy about public figures. They are completely fictional. I make no assertions about the actual private life or the sexual orientation of any person mentioned in them.
Light…
My name is Ariel
And I want to be free
It is your sorrow
That has made a slave of me
Forgive me
Forgive me
But you are all I know
Forgive me for leaving
The day is breaking now
It's time to go away
I'm so afraid to leave
But more afraid to stay
Forgive me
For leaving
The sadness in your eyes
/Forgive me
Let the wind and ocean water
Wash across your hands
Wash away a thousand footsteps
Wash us all away
Like sand
October Project - Arial
Sean pulled into the driveway and turned the car off with a sigh of relief. Much as he loved to drive, and as much as this particular trip had meant to him, he was glad it was over. He hadn't gotten much sleep and the last few hours on the road had been punishing.
He pulled his keys out of the ignition and got out of the car, vaguely hoping he hadn't been seen from the house. The last thing he could handle right now was a boisterous, rowdy greeting. But the house remained quiet.
He staggered as he walked to the door and wondered if he looked as exhausted as he felt. Sean put out his hand to balance against the doorframe. Not really looking, he felt himself bump into something soft and lifted his head. He had walked straight into Dom's arms. Hadn't even heard the door open.
"Sean! Sweet Jesus, are you all right?" Sean felt himself being led into the house. He was astounded at how light-headed he felt. Now that he wasn't behind the wheel, his weariness enveloped him. Dom was barely registering. "Lijah!" Dom yelled. 'He's here!"
That registered, though! Sean glanced up just in time to see Elijah reaching for him. He barely had time to lift his hands before he had his arms full.
"Sean. Sean." Elijah said, clutching him. "Thank god!"
Sean felt, rather than saw, Elijah lean back to stare into his eyes. He immediately disengaged himself and grabbed Sean's hands, leading him to the couch. Through bleary eyes, Sean saw a kaleidoscope of feelings wash across Elijah's face. Love. Relief. But more strongly, worry. He saw Elijah and Dom exchange an anxious glance.
"Jesus!" Sean said half-pissed. "Do I look that bad?"
"You look exhausted." Elijah said. 'You look as though you could sleep for a week."
"Well, yeah." Sean confessed. "I do feel pretty tired. But not too tired to talk to you for a while first."
Elijah still eyed him. Mouth screwed up. Bouncing. Thinking. Suddenly he looked at Dom. "I'm going to get him a brandy."
"Lijah, I don't need that. Lij!" But he was talking to a retreating back.
"Let him get it." Dom said quietly. "Can't hurt. And," he winked at Sean. "It'll give him something to do." He yanked Sean's jacket off and tossed it to a chair. "Shoes?" he questioned, pulling on them. "Take them off, Sean. You're not going anywhere else tonight are you?"
"Good question." Sean said with a grimace, surrendering his shoes.
Dom sat next to Sean and nodded in Elijah's direction. "I can damn near guarantee you a battle if you try. He doesn't want you to ever go back there. I think he knows that isn't going to happen. But tonight? I'm not sure I'd even try."
Sean sighed. "It's not like I want to leave."
He watched Elijah walk to them, glass in hand, and settle on Sean's other side. "What did I hear?" he asked, suspiciously. "What were you talking about?"
"Shoes." Dom said innocently, pointing at Sean’s shoes.
"Uh . . . yeah! Shoes." Sean echoed, grabbing the brandy.
"Right." Elijah said. "Shoes." He reached out and slowly stroked Sean's hair while the brandy that Sean 'didn't need' disappeared in one long gulp.
"Thought for a minute I head something about 'leaving'. Glad I was wrong." He glared at Sean with pretend menace. "I wouldn't want to have to tie anyone to a chair or anything.”
"Ringbearer be cranky." Sean murmured, feeling the brandy ease warm fingers into his mind and body. Elijah's hands in his hair felt heavenly. Dom was petting his left arm gently. Welcome home, Sean.
“I feel like a book between two fuzzy bookends."
Elijah smiled down at him and Sean felt himself starting to slowly fade.
His eyes closed, bounced open, closed again, and bounced open. He took Elijah in through lowering lashes. "Niiii . . . nite, hobbits." he said sleepily, and turned to nuzzle into Elijah's shoulder.
Elijah looked across him to Dom. "Bed." he said, grabbing Sean's arm.
"Yep." Dom agreed, grabbing the other one.
Sean felt himself being gently hauled to his feet and guided to the bedroom. He tried to keep his eyes open. Tried to help his friends pull his wrinkled clothes off. Tried to focus on anything going on around him. Hopeless. He was just too out-of-it.
In less than a minute he was snuggled between cool sheets with a heavy, warm comforter over him. Ten seconds after that he was snuggled against Elijah.
"Mmmmmm." Sean sighed, feeling happiness flow through him that was warmer than the brandy.
"Go to sleep, Sam." Elijah whispered, kissing his hair. "Sleep."
Sean tried groggily to rouse himself. 'Lijah? I really do want to talk to you."
"Not now." Elijah soothed. "It'll keep. Sleep now."
Sean’s entire universe consisted of hands moving gently across his back and through his hair. He nestled contentedly and was unconscious in seconds.
When the soft face of mercy
Is lost behind a veil
I will stay with eyes open
Stay here with eyes open
To watch over you
And take away the sadness and the fear
Hide in my arms
And dream golden dreams
Forgetting the world
Of men and machines
Sean jerked awake, feeling confused, and immediately heard: "Shhhh. Shhhh." Elijah’s comforting whisper brought total recall. "G' back to sleep." he mumbled against Sean’s hair. "It's the middle of the fricking night."
Sean felt Elijah's body curved against his. Gentle kisses were falling on his hair. Warm. Comforting. Sleep would be easy and blissful like this.
But right now Sean didn't want bliss. He felt edgy and needed to talk.
"Lij." He murmured, nudging him. "Wake up a sec. Please?"
Elijah obediently lifted his head and peered down in the dark, trying to see Sean's eyes. "Don't you want to sleep?” Elijah asked hopefully. “Sean, you look so tired and hurt." On the last word his voice caught a bit and Sean smiled.
"Talk." Sean said stubbornly.
Elijah sighed and sat up a bit, turning on a small bedside lamp. The light was dim, but Sean could see his eyes. Good.
He looked beautiful. Fashion-model beautiful, an aspect of Elijah's career that Sean cordially despised. Fake and posed. Not really him at all. But . . . there it was. The sight of him looking like a Vanity Fair cover story goaded Sean into conversation. "Shit!" He thought squirming. "In a minute I'll be looking for the transparent shirt."
"Been a long time since we've been this close to each other." Sean said quietly, stroking Elijah's arm and watching his reaction.
"Right." Elijah said softly, his voice rising. He was carefully avoiding Sean’s eyes. "Not since . . ." He paused. "Not since . . ."
"New Zealand?" Sean prompted.
Very soft now. Eyes down. "Right. New Zealand."
Elijah in shy mode was wholly captivating and Sean went under without a struggle. Just had to tease him. Hoping for a smile.
"Hmmm." Sean said, as if pondering. "And just when in New Zealand WAS that anyway? I forget."
Elijah looked up scowling. "Very funny!" he said. "Do me a favor and don't joke about that."
Sean grinned. " Ohhhh nooooo!" he yelped, with hugely over-acted anxiety. "Lijah mad at Seanie?? Arruugh!"
Reaching up, he pulled Elijah down to his shoulder and hugged him tight.
Elijah considered offering up an offended pretense but gave it up. He was snuggled against Sean's warm body and this wasn't something he was prepared to surrender simply to joke around with a fake pout.
He wished so much that Sean would be content to just lie here cradling him. Talking seemed so dangerous. Was so dangerous! ”It scares me." Elijah thought. "He said 'I love you' yesterday, but he was strung out. Today he's probably sorry he said it. I just wanted a few more minutes. Jesus, it’s been a long time."
"Sean?" he asked softly? "Can't we just sleep?"
"Why?" Sean replied. "What's wrong with talking? Usually you're driving me nuts to talk with you. There are things I need to tell you. About yesterday. About a lot of days."
Elijah sighed. "No help for it I guess." He thought sadly. "OK, Sean. Talk. I’m listening."
Sean heard the sadness in his voice. "Lij." he said as gently as he could. "Honest to god, nothing I say is going to hurt you. Maybe . . . Maybe the opposite. I dunno. We haven't talked about this stuff in a long while."
His own anxiety and hurt was dragging on him now. He wondered if he shouldn't take back his chatty impulse and let them both sleep. Just hold him close and go unconscious. "God." Sean thought. "That sounds so good!"
But it wouldn’t do. "No!" Sean thought defiantly. "I’ve BEEN unconscious! I want to do something different now! I want to wake up!"
“Sit up.” he pushed Elijah upright. “Sit up and look at me. I can’t snuggle with you and make sense at the same time.” Sean winked at him and sat up himself, both of them sitting cross-legged on the bed.
Elijah swallowed the compliment with a half-smile and sighed.
“What did she say to you yesterday?” Sean asked without preamble.
Elijah visibly winced. “She . . . She said . . . She called . . .”
“She called you a name.” Sean said trying to keep his voice level and detached. “Right?”
Elijah nodded. Then shrugged. “I don’t give a fuck about that. It was a stupid thing to say, but there are lots worse things someone could do to me than call me your lover. It didn't bother me.”
"Why didn’t I see it that way?" Sean thought.
“It was the other things that bothered me.” Elijah sighed. He reached, automatically, for his cigarettes then hesitated and glanced sideways at Sean.
Sean grinned at him. “Blaze up, son.” he said amiably.
“I know you hate it.”
“Yeah. I do. But just because it’s so bad for you.” He shrugged. “I doubt this'd be the best time to try quitting.”
Elijah thumbed his lighter and the flame lit his face for a fleeting moment.
He took a huge drag, trying to stay collected, and watched as his smoke curled over Sean’s head and floated away. His hair was tousled and the rare sight of a disheveled Sean pulled a smile from the depths of Elijah’s being. "God, he looks 10 years old." Elijah thought. Sean’s big hazel eyes looked at him steadily and Elijah felt his heart melt.
“I don’t know,” he said softly, reaching out to touch Sean’s cheek, “why people go on so about my geeky blue eyes. Yours are so much prettier.”
“What other things?” Sean asked, catching Elijah's fingers in his hand, refusing to be distracted.
Elijah looked puzzled for a moment. “Oh. That.” he said, sighing. “The things about not ever seeing you again. She said that as far as you were concerned . . . I was dead.”
“She . . . said what?” Sean asked, incredulous.
“You heard me.” Elijah said quietly. “Please don’t make me say it again.”
"Elijah," Sean said in a low voice "you have to believe me. I never, ever said that, or anything like that. I absolutely couldn't. There will never be a time when you don't see me."
"I know." He looked over Sean's head. Focusing on the wall was easier. "I didn't even debate it with her. I just asked where you were."
"And she wouldn't tell you."
"Right. She wouldn't tell me." Elijah crushed out his cigarette and nervously grabbed another. He tried to light it and immediately dropped the lighter. “Fuck.”
Sean grabbed it and spun the wheel. He captured one of Elijah's hands in his and stroked it softly with his thumb, watching Elijah devour the cigarette. "God." Sean thought, wretchedly, lowering his head. "This is the worst I've ever felt in my whole life."
"Lijah,” he said finally fighting back tears. “I'm so sorry. I never should have let this happen to you.”
“What could you have done?” Elijah asked, grinding his cigarette into the ashtray. He took Sean's other hand and tried to catch his eye.
Sean shook his head. "Anything. I should have been willing to do anything that would have protected you from hurt. Instead . . . I did the exact opposite."
Elijah took a deep breath and shook his head. 'No. You . . ."
Sean held his hand up, covering Elijah's mouth. "Stop." he said, his voice harsh with unshed tears. Elijah waited, saying nothing. For a long moment Sean sat silently, holding both Elijah's hands in his.
"How many times," he said bitterly, "did you hear me say 'gotta go' when you wanted me to stay? How many times did you hear me tell you that I couldn't or wouldn't be where you were? How many times did I pull away from you when you touched me?"
“Sean . . .” he said gently, trying to interrupt him. Hoping to say a reassuring word. But Sean didn’t hear him.
"I knew how you felt when I treated you that way." Sean said. And his voice was filled with such sadness that Elijah thought his heart would break.
“I knew." Sean said. "Especially after New Zealand and what happened between us there. I knew it broke your heart. And seeing your sad eyes broke my heart. Every time. Every single time. But I was so afraid!"
This last was whispered in a voice broken with anguish and Elijah felt a thrill of fear run through him. His mind whipped in five different directions at once, trying desperately to think of what he could say to ease Sean’s pain. "There's nothing." Elijah finally realized, feeling beaten. "He has to feel it. And I have to help him feel it. Jesus."
Elijah had never heard Sean sound like this before. Never heard him this obviously distressed. Other people got like this, but not Sean. Sean was his rock. Then he remembered . . . "I've seen him like this one other time." Elijah thought.
He could hear his own heart pounding in his ears, but forced himself to stillness. Willed himself to calm. "Breathe." Elijah told himself. "Breathe."
“What were you afraid of, Seanie?” he whispered, reaching up to take Sean’s face in his hands. “Tell me.” He was determined to be stay composed if it killed him. He wouldn’t let Sean by coming unglued. He wouldn't show how scared he felt inside. He kept his voice low and level. ‘Tell me, Sean. Tell Lijah. What scared you?”
"Afraid of . . ." Sean covered Elijah's hands with his own. "I don't want to tell you." he moaned softly.
"Were you afraid of hurting your family?" Elijah asked. To his amazement, Sean laughed out loud. He pushed Elijah's hands away. "Thought that, did you?" Sean said bitterly. 'Yeah. So did a lot of people. Fuck. So did I."
"No." he said quietly. "My family had nothing to do with it. They were the smoke screen that I used to dodge the bullet. I'm a fucked up compulsive who was so afraid of not being the perfect, predictable little squared-off jerk living the perfect, predictable little squared-off life that he . . . " his voice trailed off.
Elijah stayed silent.
". . . that he sacrificed everyone's happiness. Including his own." Sean finally finished.
"Seems to me," Elijah said slowly, 'that you're being terribly hard on yourself. No one on earth is more kind and loving than you. I've never known anyone to be a better father. Or husband.. in spite of how bad things have gotten. Or . . ." he said catching Sean's hand ". . .or friend. I wouldn't know how to live without you." Elijah told him, trying for every bit of honesty he could put into his voice. "I couldn't bear to think about having to try."
"Lijah," Sean said, his voice shaky "I never wanted to leave you. It was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life.. especially after New Zealand. But I was so driven to live up to some insane notion of perfection in my life that I absolutely couldn't confess to myself that I was in love with my 19 year old, male co-star. The very thought terrified me. I had no idea how to rationalize it!"
Elijah stared at him blankly for a long moment. Then shook himself.
"Well, how about: But I can't help it! He's just so fucking HOT!" Elijah offered.
Sean stared at him for a long moment. Dumbfounded. Hazel eyes wide as saucers.
Elijah gave him a rascally grin and a long, slow wink.
In the next moment they were both laughing out loud. Hysterical with laughter. Clutching each other. Laughing until they couldn't catch their breath. Letting its healing wash over them. Through them. Every time one of them would begin to gain a bit of control.. Elijah would giggle insanely and it would start all over again.
Eventually, they pulled themselves together. Sean held Elijah close to him with his face buried in Elijah's hair.
“You,” Sean told Elijah, “are too fucking much.”
"Listen," Elijah said softly. "What the fuck do you expect of yourself? You can't turn into a totally different person in a minute and half! You WERE thinking of your family! And you were thinking of me. All that other stuff was part of it too. But please quit browbeating yourself for simply being human."
Sean caressed his face with gentle fingers.
"Remember what I told you that night in New Zealand?" Elijah asked him. "About how I felt about you?"
"Yep." Sean said into his hair.
"Still goes." Elijah said firmly.
'Well," Sean told him quietly "I should tell you what else I decided up on Tamalpias after watching the sunrise, and crying over the hawks, and generally beating the fuck out of myself mentally and emotionally."
"Am I going to hate it?" Elijah asked nervously.
"I doubt it." Sean murmured. "I decided that being labeled ‘straight’ wasn't worth a flying fuck if it meant I couldn't do this . . . " His lips trailed gently along Elijah's jaw and tenderly kissed the corner of his mouth.
"Oh Sean." Elijah whispered, his hands touching Sean everywhere he could reach. Gently touching him. Softly touching him. Consciously trying with his whole being to bring peace and healing to the one he loved so much. Consciously willing Sean to release all the fear. All the pain.
"Sam. My sweet Sam." Elijah whispered. "Please feel how much I love you." Sean’s arms tightened, crushing Elijah against him.
"God!" Sean thought. "He calls me ‘Sam’ and every inch of me feels it. My whole body aches."
"Is it ok if I cry now?" Elijah asked Sean, half teasing. "I've been trying not to for hours and it hurts."
"Nope." Sean whispered against his cheek. "Sorry, Frodo. Not allowed. You poor thing, you. I'm afraid you're going to have to settle for being incredibly happy."
"I don’t think I’ve ever felt this happy before." Sean thought.
He kissed Elijah's eyes, trailing his tongue along Elijah's cheek to his mouth, smiling when he heard Elijah gasp.
He kissed the corner of Elijah’s mouth so softly. “Like that, huh.” he murmured, letting his tongue glide softly over Elijah’s lower lip. "Mmmmm." Sean purred. "I could eat you alive."
"Yeah?" Elijah whispered, teasing. "Well, we'll talk about that later. Right now I’ll settle for a kiss.”
Sean laughed into his mouth, and then happily lost the laugh in favor of kissing Elijah hungrily. “You know.” he murmured to Elijah “Hate to admit it, but you’re right. You are a hot little thing aren’t you?”
“It’s genetic.” Elijah whispered, with a grin. “I’m not responsible!”
Laughter. Holding each other close immersed in laughter.
“Why is it,” Sean asked, suddenly leaning back, ‘that whenever I fantasized this kind of scene, I never saw all the laughter?”
“Too busy punishing yourself to allow for it?” Elijah asked, looking up with wide, fake-innocent blue eyes.
Sean looked down at him seriously for a moment.
“Oh no!” Elijah said cowering. “Not a serious look! I can’t take it!”
Sean shook his head. “Nah. Not tonight. I’ve had enough ‘serious’. I’m ready for something . . . . something. . . light.” He nestled Elijah against him.
"It’s not going to be easy." Sean thought. "I have some tough decisions to make and a lot of thinking to do. Some of the things I may have to do might make us both unhappy for a while. But, I will never shut him out again. Never push him away. Never put other people’s feelings before his. If I do that, I know I won’t see those sad eyes again. If he knows we’re together, he’ll be OK."
Sean felt a greater inner peace than he would have believed was possible for him. "Thank god, he still loves me." Sean thought, marveling. "Thank god his love for me is so true that I get another chance at this." He felt an enormous need to make Elijah happy. Luckily for both of them, he didn't have to go far to have that need completely satisfied.
The sky has fallen
Now the earth is dry and torn
I know you're tired
From the violence of the storm
I love you
I love you
But you are all I knows
Forgive me
Let the wind and ocean water
Wash across your hands
Wash away a thousand footsteps
Wash us all away
Let the wind and ocean water
Wash across your hands
Wash away a thousand memories
Wash us all away
Like sand
My name is Ariel
October Project Ariel
Scariest stuff I've ever written. I hope all of you like it.
Love..
Series: New Dawn (A trilogy)
Title: New Dawn: Light (Part Three)
Author: Rakshi ( rakshi@diversesouls.com )
Rating: PG13
Pairing: Sean Astin/Elijah Wood
Summary: Sean comes home.
Archive: The Sean-Elijah web site. Others please ask.
Disclaimer: The stories here are works of satirical fantasy about public figures. They are completely fictional. I make no assertions about the actual private life or the sexual orientation of any person mentioned in them.
Light…
My name is Ariel
And I want to be free
It is your sorrow
That has made a slave of me
Forgive me
Forgive me
But you are all I know
Forgive me for leaving
The day is breaking now
It's time to go away
I'm so afraid to leave
But more afraid to stay
Forgive me
For leaving
The sadness in your eyes
/Forgive me
Let the wind and ocean water
Wash across your hands
Wash away a thousand footsteps
Wash us all away
Like sand
October Project - Arial
Sean pulled into the driveway and turned the car off with a sigh of relief. Much as he loved to drive, and as much as this particular trip had meant to him, he was glad it was over. He hadn't gotten much sleep and the last few hours on the road had been punishing.
He pulled his keys out of the ignition and got out of the car, vaguely hoping he hadn't been seen from the house. The last thing he could handle right now was a boisterous, rowdy greeting. But the house remained quiet.
He staggered as he walked to the door and wondered if he looked as exhausted as he felt. Sean put out his hand to balance against the doorframe. Not really looking, he felt himself bump into something soft and lifted his head. He had walked straight into Dom's arms. Hadn't even heard the door open.
"Sean! Sweet Jesus, are you all right?" Sean felt himself being led into the house. He was astounded at how light-headed he felt. Now that he wasn't behind the wheel, his weariness enveloped him. Dom was barely registering. "Lijah!" Dom yelled. 'He's here!"
That registered, though! Sean glanced up just in time to see Elijah reaching for him. He barely had time to lift his hands before he had his arms full.
"Sean. Sean." Elijah said, clutching him. "Thank god!"
Sean felt, rather than saw, Elijah lean back to stare into his eyes. He immediately disengaged himself and grabbed Sean's hands, leading him to the couch. Through bleary eyes, Sean saw a kaleidoscope of feelings wash across Elijah's face. Love. Relief. But more strongly, worry. He saw Elijah and Dom exchange an anxious glance.
"Jesus!" Sean said half-pissed. "Do I look that bad?"
"You look exhausted." Elijah said. 'You look as though you could sleep for a week."
"Well, yeah." Sean confessed. "I do feel pretty tired. But not too tired to talk to you for a while first."
Elijah still eyed him. Mouth screwed up. Bouncing. Thinking. Suddenly he looked at Dom. "I'm going to get him a brandy."
"Lijah, I don't need that. Lij!" But he was talking to a retreating back.
"Let him get it." Dom said quietly. "Can't hurt. And," he winked at Sean. "It'll give him something to do." He yanked Sean's jacket off and tossed it to a chair. "Shoes?" he questioned, pulling on them. "Take them off, Sean. You're not going anywhere else tonight are you?"
"Good question." Sean said with a grimace, surrendering his shoes.
Dom sat next to Sean and nodded in Elijah's direction. "I can damn near guarantee you a battle if you try. He doesn't want you to ever go back there. I think he knows that isn't going to happen. But tonight? I'm not sure I'd even try."
Sean sighed. "It's not like I want to leave."
He watched Elijah walk to them, glass in hand, and settle on Sean's other side. "What did I hear?" he asked, suspiciously. "What were you talking about?"
"Shoes." Dom said innocently, pointing at Sean’s shoes.
"Uh . . . yeah! Shoes." Sean echoed, grabbing the brandy.
"Right." Elijah said. "Shoes." He reached out and slowly stroked Sean's hair while the brandy that Sean 'didn't need' disappeared in one long gulp.
"Thought for a minute I head something about 'leaving'. Glad I was wrong." He glared at Sean with pretend menace. "I wouldn't want to have to tie anyone to a chair or anything.”
"Ringbearer be cranky." Sean murmured, feeling the brandy ease warm fingers into his mind and body. Elijah's hands in his hair felt heavenly. Dom was petting his left arm gently. Welcome home, Sean.
“I feel like a book between two fuzzy bookends."
Elijah smiled down at him and Sean felt himself starting to slowly fade.
His eyes closed, bounced open, closed again, and bounced open. He took Elijah in through lowering lashes. "Niiii . . . nite, hobbits." he said sleepily, and turned to nuzzle into Elijah's shoulder.
Elijah looked across him to Dom. "Bed." he said, grabbing Sean's arm.
"Yep." Dom agreed, grabbing the other one.
Sean felt himself being gently hauled to his feet and guided to the bedroom. He tried to keep his eyes open. Tried to help his friends pull his wrinkled clothes off. Tried to focus on anything going on around him. Hopeless. He was just too out-of-it.
In less than a minute he was snuggled between cool sheets with a heavy, warm comforter over him. Ten seconds after that he was snuggled against Elijah.
"Mmmmmm." Sean sighed, feeling happiness flow through him that was warmer than the brandy.
"Go to sleep, Sam." Elijah whispered, kissing his hair. "Sleep."
Sean tried groggily to rouse himself. 'Lijah? I really do want to talk to you."
"Not now." Elijah soothed. "It'll keep. Sleep now."
Sean’s entire universe consisted of hands moving gently across his back and through his hair. He nestled contentedly and was unconscious in seconds.
When the soft face of mercy
Is lost behind a veil
I will stay with eyes open
Stay here with eyes open
To watch over you
And take away the sadness and the fear
Hide in my arms
And dream golden dreams
Forgetting the world
Of men and machines
Sean jerked awake, feeling confused, and immediately heard: "Shhhh. Shhhh." Elijah’s comforting whisper brought total recall. "G' back to sleep." he mumbled against Sean’s hair. "It's the middle of the fricking night."
Sean felt Elijah's body curved against his. Gentle kisses were falling on his hair. Warm. Comforting. Sleep would be easy and blissful like this.
But right now Sean didn't want bliss. He felt edgy and needed to talk.
"Lij." He murmured, nudging him. "Wake up a sec. Please?"
Elijah obediently lifted his head and peered down in the dark, trying to see Sean's eyes. "Don't you want to sleep?” Elijah asked hopefully. “Sean, you look so tired and hurt." On the last word his voice caught a bit and Sean smiled.
"Talk." Sean said stubbornly.
Elijah sighed and sat up a bit, turning on a small bedside lamp. The light was dim, but Sean could see his eyes. Good.
He looked beautiful. Fashion-model beautiful, an aspect of Elijah's career that Sean cordially despised. Fake and posed. Not really him at all. But . . . there it was. The sight of him looking like a Vanity Fair cover story goaded Sean into conversation. "Shit!" He thought squirming. "In a minute I'll be looking for the transparent shirt."
"Been a long time since we've been this close to each other." Sean said quietly, stroking Elijah's arm and watching his reaction.
"Right." Elijah said softly, his voice rising. He was carefully avoiding Sean’s eyes. "Not since . . ." He paused. "Not since . . ."
"New Zealand?" Sean prompted.
Very soft now. Eyes down. "Right. New Zealand."
Elijah in shy mode was wholly captivating and Sean went under without a struggle. Just had to tease him. Hoping for a smile.
"Hmmm." Sean said, as if pondering. "And just when in New Zealand WAS that anyway? I forget."
Elijah looked up scowling. "Very funny!" he said. "Do me a favor and don't joke about that."
Sean grinned. " Ohhhh nooooo!" he yelped, with hugely over-acted anxiety. "Lijah mad at Seanie?? Arruugh!"
Reaching up, he pulled Elijah down to his shoulder and hugged him tight.
Elijah considered offering up an offended pretense but gave it up. He was snuggled against Sean's warm body and this wasn't something he was prepared to surrender simply to joke around with a fake pout.
He wished so much that Sean would be content to just lie here cradling him. Talking seemed so dangerous. Was so dangerous! ”It scares me." Elijah thought. "He said 'I love you' yesterday, but he was strung out. Today he's probably sorry he said it. I just wanted a few more minutes. Jesus, it’s been a long time."
"Sean?" he asked softly? "Can't we just sleep?"
"Why?" Sean replied. "What's wrong with talking? Usually you're driving me nuts to talk with you. There are things I need to tell you. About yesterday. About a lot of days."
Elijah sighed. "No help for it I guess." He thought sadly. "OK, Sean. Talk. I’m listening."
Sean heard the sadness in his voice. "Lij." he said as gently as he could. "Honest to god, nothing I say is going to hurt you. Maybe . . . Maybe the opposite. I dunno. We haven't talked about this stuff in a long while."
His own anxiety and hurt was dragging on him now. He wondered if he shouldn't take back his chatty impulse and let them both sleep. Just hold him close and go unconscious. "God." Sean thought. "That sounds so good!"
But it wouldn’t do. "No!" Sean thought defiantly. "I’ve BEEN unconscious! I want to do something different now! I want to wake up!"
“Sit up.” he pushed Elijah upright. “Sit up and look at me. I can’t snuggle with you and make sense at the same time.” Sean winked at him and sat up himself, both of them sitting cross-legged on the bed.
Elijah swallowed the compliment with a half-smile and sighed.
“What did she say to you yesterday?” Sean asked without preamble.
Elijah visibly winced. “She . . . She said . . . She called . . .”
“She called you a name.” Sean said trying to keep his voice level and detached. “Right?”
Elijah nodded. Then shrugged. “I don’t give a fuck about that. It was a stupid thing to say, but there are lots worse things someone could do to me than call me your lover. It didn't bother me.”
"Why didn’t I see it that way?" Sean thought.
“It was the other things that bothered me.” Elijah sighed. He reached, automatically, for his cigarettes then hesitated and glanced sideways at Sean.
Sean grinned at him. “Blaze up, son.” he said amiably.
“I know you hate it.”
“Yeah. I do. But just because it’s so bad for you.” He shrugged. “I doubt this'd be the best time to try quitting.”
Elijah thumbed his lighter and the flame lit his face for a fleeting moment.
He took a huge drag, trying to stay collected, and watched as his smoke curled over Sean’s head and floated away. His hair was tousled and the rare sight of a disheveled Sean pulled a smile from the depths of Elijah’s being. "God, he looks 10 years old." Elijah thought. Sean’s big hazel eyes looked at him steadily and Elijah felt his heart melt.
“I don’t know,” he said softly, reaching out to touch Sean’s cheek, “why people go on so about my geeky blue eyes. Yours are so much prettier.”
“What other things?” Sean asked, catching Elijah's fingers in his hand, refusing to be distracted.
Elijah looked puzzled for a moment. “Oh. That.” he said, sighing. “The things about not ever seeing you again. She said that as far as you were concerned . . . I was dead.”
“She . . . said what?” Sean asked, incredulous.
“You heard me.” Elijah said quietly. “Please don’t make me say it again.”
"Elijah," Sean said in a low voice "you have to believe me. I never, ever said that, or anything like that. I absolutely couldn't. There will never be a time when you don't see me."
"I know." He looked over Sean's head. Focusing on the wall was easier. "I didn't even debate it with her. I just asked where you were."
"And she wouldn't tell you."
"Right. She wouldn't tell me." Elijah crushed out his cigarette and nervously grabbed another. He tried to light it and immediately dropped the lighter. “Fuck.”
Sean grabbed it and spun the wheel. He captured one of Elijah's hands in his and stroked it softly with his thumb, watching Elijah devour the cigarette. "God." Sean thought, wretchedly, lowering his head. "This is the worst I've ever felt in my whole life."
"Lijah,” he said finally fighting back tears. “I'm so sorry. I never should have let this happen to you.”
“What could you have done?” Elijah asked, grinding his cigarette into the ashtray. He took Sean's other hand and tried to catch his eye.
Sean shook his head. "Anything. I should have been willing to do anything that would have protected you from hurt. Instead . . . I did the exact opposite."
Elijah took a deep breath and shook his head. 'No. You . . ."
Sean held his hand up, covering Elijah's mouth. "Stop." he said, his voice harsh with unshed tears. Elijah waited, saying nothing. For a long moment Sean sat silently, holding both Elijah's hands in his.
"How many times," he said bitterly, "did you hear me say 'gotta go' when you wanted me to stay? How many times did you hear me tell you that I couldn't or wouldn't be where you were? How many times did I pull away from you when you touched me?"
“Sean . . .” he said gently, trying to interrupt him. Hoping to say a reassuring word. But Sean didn’t hear him.
"I knew how you felt when I treated you that way." Sean said. And his voice was filled with such sadness that Elijah thought his heart would break.
“I knew." Sean said. "Especially after New Zealand and what happened between us there. I knew it broke your heart. And seeing your sad eyes broke my heart. Every time. Every single time. But I was so afraid!"
This last was whispered in a voice broken with anguish and Elijah felt a thrill of fear run through him. His mind whipped in five different directions at once, trying desperately to think of what he could say to ease Sean’s pain. "There's nothing." Elijah finally realized, feeling beaten. "He has to feel it. And I have to help him feel it. Jesus."
Elijah had never heard Sean sound like this before. Never heard him this obviously distressed. Other people got like this, but not Sean. Sean was his rock. Then he remembered . . . "I've seen him like this one other time." Elijah thought.
He could hear his own heart pounding in his ears, but forced himself to stillness. Willed himself to calm. "Breathe." Elijah told himself. "Breathe."
“What were you afraid of, Seanie?” he whispered, reaching up to take Sean’s face in his hands. “Tell me.” He was determined to be stay composed if it killed him. He wouldn’t let Sean by coming unglued. He wouldn't show how scared he felt inside. He kept his voice low and level. ‘Tell me, Sean. Tell Lijah. What scared you?”
"Afraid of . . ." Sean covered Elijah's hands with his own. "I don't want to tell you." he moaned softly.
"Were you afraid of hurting your family?" Elijah asked. To his amazement, Sean laughed out loud. He pushed Elijah's hands away. "Thought that, did you?" Sean said bitterly. 'Yeah. So did a lot of people. Fuck. So did I."
"No." he said quietly. "My family had nothing to do with it. They were the smoke screen that I used to dodge the bullet. I'm a fucked up compulsive who was so afraid of not being the perfect, predictable little squared-off jerk living the perfect, predictable little squared-off life that he . . . " his voice trailed off.
Elijah stayed silent.
". . . that he sacrificed everyone's happiness. Including his own." Sean finally finished.
"Seems to me," Elijah said slowly, 'that you're being terribly hard on yourself. No one on earth is more kind and loving than you. I've never known anyone to be a better father. Or husband.. in spite of how bad things have gotten. Or . . ." he said catching Sean's hand ". . .or friend. I wouldn't know how to live without you." Elijah told him, trying for every bit of honesty he could put into his voice. "I couldn't bear to think about having to try."
"Lijah," Sean said, his voice shaky "I never wanted to leave you. It was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life.. especially after New Zealand. But I was so driven to live up to some insane notion of perfection in my life that I absolutely couldn't confess to myself that I was in love with my 19 year old, male co-star. The very thought terrified me. I had no idea how to rationalize it!"
Elijah stared at him blankly for a long moment. Then shook himself.
"Well, how about: But I can't help it! He's just so fucking HOT!" Elijah offered.
Sean stared at him for a long moment. Dumbfounded. Hazel eyes wide as saucers.
Elijah gave him a rascally grin and a long, slow wink.
In the next moment they were both laughing out loud. Hysterical with laughter. Clutching each other. Laughing until they couldn't catch their breath. Letting its healing wash over them. Through them. Every time one of them would begin to gain a bit of control.. Elijah would giggle insanely and it would start all over again.
Eventually, they pulled themselves together. Sean held Elijah close to him with his face buried in Elijah's hair.
“You,” Sean told Elijah, “are too fucking much.”
"Listen," Elijah said softly. "What the fuck do you expect of yourself? You can't turn into a totally different person in a minute and half! You WERE thinking of your family! And you were thinking of me. All that other stuff was part of it too. But please quit browbeating yourself for simply being human."
Sean caressed his face with gentle fingers.
"Remember what I told you that night in New Zealand?" Elijah asked him. "About how I felt about you?"
"Yep." Sean said into his hair.
"Still goes." Elijah said firmly.
'Well," Sean told him quietly "I should tell you what else I decided up on Tamalpias after watching the sunrise, and crying over the hawks, and generally beating the fuck out of myself mentally and emotionally."
"Am I going to hate it?" Elijah asked nervously.
"I doubt it." Sean murmured. "I decided that being labeled ‘straight’ wasn't worth a flying fuck if it meant I couldn't do this . . . " His lips trailed gently along Elijah's jaw and tenderly kissed the corner of his mouth.
"Oh Sean." Elijah whispered, his hands touching Sean everywhere he could reach. Gently touching him. Softly touching him. Consciously trying with his whole being to bring peace and healing to the one he loved so much. Consciously willing Sean to release all the fear. All the pain.
"Sam. My sweet Sam." Elijah whispered. "Please feel how much I love you." Sean’s arms tightened, crushing Elijah against him.
"God!" Sean thought. "He calls me ‘Sam’ and every inch of me feels it. My whole body aches."
"Is it ok if I cry now?" Elijah asked Sean, half teasing. "I've been trying not to for hours and it hurts."
"Nope." Sean whispered against his cheek. "Sorry, Frodo. Not allowed. You poor thing, you. I'm afraid you're going to have to settle for being incredibly happy."
"I don’t think I’ve ever felt this happy before." Sean thought.
He kissed Elijah's eyes, trailing his tongue along Elijah's cheek to his mouth, smiling when he heard Elijah gasp.
He kissed the corner of Elijah’s mouth so softly. “Like that, huh.” he murmured, letting his tongue glide softly over Elijah’s lower lip. "Mmmmm." Sean purred. "I could eat you alive."
"Yeah?" Elijah whispered, teasing. "Well, we'll talk about that later. Right now I’ll settle for a kiss.”
Sean laughed into his mouth, and then happily lost the laugh in favor of kissing Elijah hungrily. “You know.” he murmured to Elijah “Hate to admit it, but you’re right. You are a hot little thing aren’t you?”
“It’s genetic.” Elijah whispered, with a grin. “I’m not responsible!”
Laughter. Holding each other close immersed in laughter.
“Why is it,” Sean asked, suddenly leaning back, ‘that whenever I fantasized this kind of scene, I never saw all the laughter?”
“Too busy punishing yourself to allow for it?” Elijah asked, looking up with wide, fake-innocent blue eyes.
Sean looked down at him seriously for a moment.
“Oh no!” Elijah said cowering. “Not a serious look! I can’t take it!”
Sean shook his head. “Nah. Not tonight. I’ve had enough ‘serious’. I’m ready for something . . . . something. . . light.” He nestled Elijah against him.
"It’s not going to be easy." Sean thought. "I have some tough decisions to make and a lot of thinking to do. Some of the things I may have to do might make us both unhappy for a while. But, I will never shut him out again. Never push him away. Never put other people’s feelings before his. If I do that, I know I won’t see those sad eyes again. If he knows we’re together, he’ll be OK."
Sean felt a greater inner peace than he would have believed was possible for him. "Thank god, he still loves me." Sean thought, marveling. "Thank god his love for me is so true that I get another chance at this." He felt an enormous need to make Elijah happy. Luckily for both of them, he didn't have to go far to have that need completely satisfied.
The sky has fallen
Now the earth is dry and torn
I know you're tired
From the violence of the storm
I love you
I love you
But you are all I knows
Forgive me
Let the wind and ocean water
Wash across your hands
Wash away a thousand footsteps
Wash us all away
Let the wind and ocean water
Wash across your hands
Wash away a thousand memories
Wash us all away
Like sand
My name is Ariel
October Project Ariel