FIC: 'Reunion' - S/E - NC-17
This story follows 'The Conversation', and 'Confessions' which I co-wrote with princessofg.
Title: Reunion
Author: Rakshi ( rakshi@sean-astin.net)
Rating: NC-17
Pairing: Sean Astin/Elijah Wood
Summary: Continuation of ‘The Conversation’ and ‘Confessions’. Sean and Christine struggle to come to terms with their shattered marriage. Sean and Elijah are reunited. The final story in this series is here: Redemption.
Feedback: I'd appreciate it very much.
Disclaimer: This story is a work of satirical fantasy about public figures. It is completely fictional. I make no assertions about the actual private life or the sexual orientation of any person mentioned in this work.
Author’s notes: With heartfelt love and thanks to Princess of Geekland, an amazing Sean/Elijah writer in her own right, for being the world’s best beta. And.. with equally heartfelt gratitude to LadySunrope, who shared her amazing insights with me and made this a much better story by doing so. I hope they are both happy with how this story turned out.
And.. there will be more in this series. I can’t get them to stop.
Flight...
Sean stared. Below him, whitish-grey clouds stretched to the horizon, looking solid enough to walk on. He sighed and pressed his face against the plane’s tiny window. ‘Like so many things…,” he thought. “They look solid, but take one step and feel the ground go right out from under you.’ The first-class attendant brought him a glass of wine and Sean accepted it gratefully. He lifted the wine-glass to his lips, then noticed that his hand was shaking and set it down.
He turned his face back to the window, struggling for composure. This day was the worst. He’d been in non-stop pain from the moment he realized that he had to tell Chris about his feelings for Elijah. But this day was the worst. The nightmare began before he even got out of bed that morning.
Chris knew he was leaving for New York. She knew he was going to be reunited with Elijah. And she knew that this reunion would almost certainly result in Sean and his young co-star becoming lovers. Before Sean woke up, in a desperate attempt to salvage her marriage, Chris had tip-toed into the guestroom and crawled into bed with him. He awoke to the feeling of her hands on his body.
“Chris! What are you doing?”
“Sean, please! Give me a chance to prove to you that you’re NOT gay! That this is just a phase!”
Sean pushed her hands away. When he spoke his voice was gentle: “Chris, you don’t understand.”
“Sean, we have two little girls? What - what are you going to tell them? That you’re going off to live with Uncle Elijah? That you’re abandoning them… for - for - HIM?”
Sean winced and rolled away from her, turning to sit on the side of the bed. Chris moved to kneel at his feet and with hands outstretched, she appealed to him: “Give us another chance, Sean! Don’t do something you’ll regret for the rest of your life!” She was in tears clutching at his t-shirt, trying to embrace him.
Sean caught her hands. “Chris, don’t! Please! You’ll hate yourself for this. And hate ME.”
“How can you DO this?” she screamed. Her hands gripped his t-shirt, shaking him violently. “How can you DO this?” She collapsed at his feet, dissolving into sobs, moaning. “Please, Sean. I want my life back.”
Sean lifted her gently, rocking her, trying to make soothing sounds while struggling to control his own panic. He’d never seen his strong, dignified wife this emotionally shattered, and as he guided her back to the master bedroom his mind raced fearfully, wondering how he could possibly make her understand what was so painfully clear to him.
He lowered her to the bed and sat beside her, taking her hand in his. “Chris, please listen to me.”
She turned to face him, struggling to compose herself, but still crying. “I’m listening, Sean.”
Sean took a deep breath, knowing that this would be the single hardest thing he’d ever done in his life. “Chris, I can’t stay.”
She covered her face with her hands, and sobs shook her body again. Sean yearned to take her into his arms and comfort her, but he hesitated. In her current emotional state, he was fearful that she might interpret an embrace as reason to hope, and Sean knew that in this situation, there simply WAS no hope.
But this was his wife, whom he still loved. Her pain was still his… just as it had been for thirteen years. He rose and walked to the bathroom, and after wetting a washcloth with cold water, he returned to Chris. Her sobs had stilled. She was wiping her face with a trembling hand and when Sean offered her the cold washcloth she took it gratefully. As she pressed it to her face, there was silence in the room they had shared for so many years.
She lowered the washcloth and looked around her as if confused about where to put it. As Sean sat down beside her he took it and tossed it toward the bathroom. Turning to face her, he took her two hands in his. “Can we talk? Can I try to make you understand?”
Chris shook her head. Her voice was wooden: “It doesn’t matter what you say, Sean. I will NEVER understand how you can do this to us. To me. To the girls. How you can abandon us this way.”
“I am not abandoning you. I will never abandon you. Chris, we’re not just man and wife, we’re FRIENDS! That won’t change. I will always take care of you and the girls. I’ll always be there for you… for THEM!”
Chris looked at him sorrowfully. “You want to THINK that you’ll be there and that the damage done to me and the girls will somehow be manageable. But you won’t be there, Sean. You can’t be with him and with us at the same time. And the damage you’ll do to your family is…,” she gestured wildly with her hands, “… incalculable.”
Sean’s throat tightened painfully. He could feel the sobs building inside him… threatening to burst his chest. She was right, and he knew it. This was abandonment, pure and simple. But to stay was to invite an abandonment even more deadly. Even more destructive. His breath caught, and he felt tears streaming down his face.
“Chris,” he whispered brokenly. “I do love you. As a friend. But if I stayed I’d be abandoning something even more important. Something I can’t turn my back on.”
“HIM?”
“No! NOT him!” Sean replied. “I know you won’t believe this, but if he saw you right now he’d BEG me to stay here. Neither of us want to hurt you.”
Chris surprised him by bursting into laughter. “My god! PLEASE, Sean. Please don’t ask me to thank Elijah for his touching concern.” Pulling her hands out of his, she grabbed two Kleenex. She handed one to Sean and wiped her face with the other. “I’m not prepared to be his good buddy no matter how much concern he may SAY he feels for me and for your daughters.”
“Chris, I’m not asking you to,” Sean said. “I’m simply asking you to understand that what I refuse to abandon is my integrity. I won’t become the kind of man who eventually forgets what it feels like to be an honest person. Lying to you. Lying to him. Sneaking. Cheating.”
His wife stared at him for a long moment. When she finally spoke, her voice was bitter. “Do you honestly believe that leaving your family to begin a gay affair with a man ten years your junior doesn’t compromise your integrity, Sean?”
Sean sighed and wiped the tears from his face. “Yes. I believe that. Because the truth of my heart is that he is the one I want to be with. I’ll be here for the girls. And when you let me… I’ll be here for you too, Chris. But to tell you other than the truth about all of this would be even more damaging than what we’re going through now.”
“Jesus, Sean,” Chris spat. “You’re rationalizing this entire situation in order to justify doing exactly as you damn well please.”
“NO!” Sean cried. He got to his feet and stood before her, his hands outstretched, his voice filled with anguish. “Listen to me! Do you EVER want to trust me again? Do I want your respect, Chris? Do I want my children to respect me? Do I want ELIJAH to respect me and believe what I say to him? EVER?!”
Chris’ eyes filled again. She was devastated, but there was no doubt in her mind that her husband believed every word he was saying.
“I am not rationalizing! I’m taking the harder road because I cherish my relationships with all of you. If I lied.. if I simply cheated with Elijah.. if I snuck behind your back to see him, I’d lose all of you. None of you would truly trust me again. And worst of all, I’d lose myself, Chris. And I’d never, ever find myself again.”
For a long moment there was absolute silence as husband and wife stared into each other’s eyes. Then Chris drew a deep, shaky breath and stood. “You should get ready for your flight.” She touched Sean’s arm lightly. “I’ll make coffee.”
“Chris, you don’t have...,” Sean began. But she lifted her hand to halt his words, and walked from the bedroom.
Sean was still shaken and white-faced when he got to the airport. And now, as he hurtled eastward, fighting off the inevitable claustrophobia that a long plane ride created in him, his conversation with Chris still echoed painfully in his mind and heart.
‘Do I really want to do this?’ he wondered. ‘Jesus, Elijah’s ten years younger than me. What if it doesn’t work out? What if he gets tired of me?’ He tried to focus on Elijah’s face… on the night they were together… on the taste of his kiss. But all he could remember was his wife of thirteen years, the mother of his two beautiful daughters, crumbled on the floor at his feet moaning: ‘Please, Sean. I want my life back.’
‘Oh Jesus!’ Sean thought, moaning inwardly. ‘Why can’t I feel as sure as I felt before? Where did it go?’
Agonized by doubts, Sean found himself wishing that the plane ride would go on forever. That he could hang, eternally suspended, between the two worlds that tore at his heart. That this choice, so unbearable in its ramifications no matter which direction he went, would never have to be made.
He felt his cell phone vibrate in his coat pocket, and reached for it. ‘Must’ve forgotten to turn it off,’ he thought. It was flashing with a text message, and as Sean quickly read it he felt his throat tighten.
‘I love you, my Seanwise. Hurry back to me. E.’
Sean felt tears streaming down his cheeks and quickly swiped them away. He hit the ‘off’ button on his phone, and, once again, turned toward the window.. and the endless clouds.
Greeting…
Sean walked quickly to the door leading outside from baggage claim. His carry-on was all the luggage he had. He pushed through the door and sucked in a lungful of chill New York air, hoping that he could remain anonymous and undiscovered. For once, he wanted no fans around him. ‘Please, god, let him be there,’ Sean prayed silently.
He looked around quickly and spotted Elijah standing quietly beside the open rear door of a shiny, black limo. He saw Sean, but didn’t move for a moment. He simply stared, as though he wasn’t sure what his next move should be. Then he lifted his hand and waved. Sean walked quickly toward him.
Elijah had climbed back into the limo before Sean reached it. He moved behind the driver and reached for Sean’s bag as he swung it into the car. “Here. Gimme that.” He signaled the driver before tossing Sean’s bag onto the facing seat. Sean plopped down beside him, and as the limo began to move Elijah turned slowly to face him.
“Hi.”
Sean stared into his eyes… mesmerized. He’d spoken about Elijah’s eyes. Spoken about the hours he’d spent staring into their eclipse-like beauty. But somehow all the hundreds of times he’d stared into them faded now and became meaningless. Nothing mattered except this one moment. He saw love and concern expressed there. And he saw, reflected in the fierce light that radiated from them, a belief in Sean that could never be destroyed.
“Sweet Jesus,” Sean breathed. He reached slowly for Elijah and pulled him into his arms with a moan that seemed to come from the depths of his soul. “Lij…,” he moaned again, holding him close, fingers clenching the back of his jacket.
“Sean, what…?” Elijah began, then stopped when Sean shook his head almost violently.
“I can’t talk yet.” He whispered, the pain inside him clawing at his chest, taking his breath. “Please don’t ask.”
Elijah nodded. His arms wound around Sean’s body and locked, pulling Sean tight against his chest. He tried to stay calm. Tried to still his pounding heart. “Shhh, Seanie. It’s OK. We’re together now.”
Sean nodded, the sound of Elijah’s voice seeping through him like an opiate. His fingers slowly unclenched and his head turned. He brushed his lips softly against the hollow under Elijah’s cheekbones. Then he leaned back and stared at his friend.
Elijah’s eyebrows lifted slightly. “Rough flight?” he asked softly.
Sean amazed himself by bursting into laughter. “Jesus, yeah. The roughest. This has been the day from hell.”
Elijah nodded and sighed. He gazed into Sean’s eyes as if assessing him, running his hands up and down Sean’s arms, then he took a deep breath. “Well, hang on to yourself, buddy, because it’s not over yet. While you were in midair… I got a phone call.”
Sean’s eyes widened. “Oh god,” he breathed. “No.”
Elijah nodded. “She begged me, in tears, to let you go, Sean. Went on for some time about how devastating this is going to be for her…,” Elijah’s eyes shown with tears. He tried to speak… but couldn’t, and lowered his head.
Sean gripped his shoulders and after a moment Elijah raised his head. “She talked about…,” he swallowed hard. “The girls, Sean. She talked about…” His voice slid away and he pulled away from Sean to lean his back against the seat and stare at the limo’s ceiling. “Worst fucking phone call I’ve ever gotten in my life.”
Sean stared past him out the limo’s tinted side window, and Elijah watched him, studying the face he loved. He knew Sean was processing what he’d just heard. Struggling for a way to respond to Elijah’s distress, while obviously still dealing with his own. He reached for Sean’s hand. “Hey. Stop thinking about it for a minute.”
Sean turned his head and stared at Elijah. His lips formed the word without saying it. 'How?'
Elijah sat up and tugged on his hand. “Obviously we need to talk this through. And we will. But let’s get to my place first.” He pulled Sean closer, tugging on his hand until they were huddled together on the limo’s back seat, foreheads touching, hands clasped tightly. “Until then…,” Elijah whispered.
Sean nodded.
Home…
“Toss your bag,” Elijah told Sean, pointing toward the bedroom. “I’ll get us a glass of wine.”
Sean wandered into Elijah’s bedroom, then stood perfectly still in the center of the room, staring at Elijah’s beautiful king sized bed. He finally took a deep breath and tossed his bag onto a chair, then turned again to stare at the bed.
“We don’t have to do anything, you know,” Elijah said from behind him. Sean turned to watch as Elijah walked to him carrying two glasses of deep-maroon Merlot.
“No?” Sean said with a small smile. “After all those sexy, midnight phone conversations?” He took the glass from Elijah and sipped quietly.
Elijah’s eyes over the top of his glass were dark; dark as the wine. And Sean felt his chest slowly tighten as he looked into them. “Yes. Even after all those conversations,” Elijah said. “We’re not on a clock, Sean. I want you to have peace when you’re with me…”
Sean’s eyebrows rose and a small smile crept across his lips. They both laughed at once. “Not THAT kind of peace, fucker!” Elijah countered, grinning. He took Sean’s arm and tugged gently toward the living room. “Let’s go sit. We need to talk.”
As Sean approached the couch he remembered the last time they’d been together in this place. They had lain in each other’s arms all night, talking… kissing… murmuring… discovering things about themselves and each other that neither of them had dreamt were possible… then finally drifted off to sleep just as the morning sun had begun to flow over Elijah’s window sill.
They had awakened a short time before they were due at Lincoln Center, and their final hour here had been a frantic rushing to get ready. A time filled with hastily grabbed kisses, occasional passionate embraces, and gales of laughter as they fought over electric razors, ties, and counter space in the bathroom.
Sean fell onto the couch and drew in a deep breath. “Jesus, I’m glad to be here.”
Elijah sat beside him, leaning over him to set his wineglass on the table. “I’m glad you are too.” He looked up at Sean, and winced at the red, swollen eyes. His voice softened. “So glad, Seanie.”
Sean took Elijah’s hand in his. “So… what did you tell her, Lij?”
“What do you mean?”
“What did you tell her when she begged you to let me go.”
Elijah looked down to where his hand rested in Sean’s. “I really didn’t say much of anything. She did most of the talking. Telling me how much damage I’d be doing to the girls… to her.”
Sean shook his head. “First off, you need to be clear about something. Even if you never wanted to see me again, I would still leave Chris. I realized that on the plane.”
Elijah looked up at him but said nothing.
“I realized it last night, but was too upset to understand what I was feeling. She was kneeling at my feet, crying, sobbing, begging me not to do this to her.”
Elijah winced. “Jesus, Sean! What were we thinking? I plunged into my feelings for you without a thought to who was being hurt by them. God, I’m amazed you don’t hate me!”
“Stop that! You disallowed those feelings for years. Stifled them. Suppressed them. So did I.”
Elijah sighed and reached for his wine.
“And we did think about it. If I recall correctly, that’s why we’re not lovers right this second. Because we wanted to be square with Chris. We didn’t want to sneak… or lie. We were frantic with concern about what she’d do. How she’d feel. And since I told her…, god, Elijah, I’ve never known such pain.” Elijah winced again, but held Sean’s gaze. “But that’s just IT! I felt horrible today. Would have done anything to help ease her pain. It nearly killed me to see her that broken.” Sean drew a deep, shaky breath, his mouth twisting with the need to cry. Then he shook himself hard. “But even in the midst of it, Elijah! Even then! I KNEW I couldn’t stay! I knew it!”
Elijah sat his wine down again and lowered his head into his hands, feeling dizzy with relief. “Jesus, Sean.” Then his head lifted again. “But… what about the girls?” Sean started to speak but Elijah interrupted him. “No! Listen to me. My fucking father left me because he wanted someone other than my mom. He loved me. I know he did. But it wasn’t enough to make him stay, Sean. And I’ve had to live with that all my life.”
Sean reached out and drew Elijah into his arms. He rocked him gently against his body as his hands moved soothingly over Elijah’s back. “Now you listen to ME, baby.. He left your mom, yes. That was his choice and maybe for him, then, it was a right one. But he didn’t have to leave YOU. That was a choice he made too. A rotten choice. A fool’s choice. And that’s the choice you’ve had to live with. Not the fact that he left your mom for someone else.”
Elijah leaned back and looked into Sean’s eyes again. “Sean, you have to promise me that you won’t ever…”
Sean gathered him close again. “Never. Fucking never. God, Elijah, you know I’d never do to my kids what was done to you. I won’t do that. YOU won’t do that!”
He grabbed Elijah’s shoulders and leaned him back to lock their eyes again. “WE won’t do that.”
Elijah’s eyes were bright with tears, but he didn’t cry. He reached for Sean, his hand moving to the back of his head, pulling him slowly forward until their two mouths pressed hard against each other.
Sensation tore through Sean like a riptide and he gasped. His hands grasped Elijah, convulsively pulling him closer. For long minutes they kissed. Slowly… intimately. Sipping each other’s lips, savoring them as they had savored their wine. Sean’s tongue traced the outline of Elijah’s mouth, immersed in the feeling of his lips, a nearly delirious bliss encompassing every molecule in his body. He felt Elijah’s breath against his lips and smiled, remembering his hunger for that breath the first time they kissed.
He thought of the confusion, the uncertainty he’d felt when Chris begged him to stay. And he knew that he would feel no such uncertainty here. He knew this was where he belonged. He knew he had come home.
Reunion…
They leaned back at the same time, both of them still breathless. Elijah tilted his head toward the bedroom, a small smile playing across his lips. Sean glanced in the direction he had indicated and swallowed hard.
“You still nervous?” Elijah asked, his smile broadening.
“Well, yeah. Kinda.” Sean glanced, again, toward the bedroom and cleared his throat, shooting a fake-glare at Elijah when he giggled. “C’mon! No fair giggling, you!” He grabbed at Elijah’s ribs… tickling. “You wanna giggle? I’ll give you giggle, you wanker!”
For a moment they wrestled on the couch, Elijah screaming with laughter while Sean tickled him unmercifully. Then Sean grabbed him in a bear hug and snuggled him tight against his body. “Guess I am nervous. Aren’t you?”
Elijah poked Sean’s ribs, then relaxed against him. “Nope. Not nervous.” He suddenly sat back and turned to face Sean. “Listen! First off, we don’t have to make love if you’re not comfortable with the idea.” Sean shot him a disbelieving look and Elijah giggled again. “OK. OK. You’re good with the idea.”
“Uh… that would be a ‘yes’, Elijah,” Sean responded, shaking his head and laughing softly.
“OK, fine. Second, you’re not going to be all alone in there you know. This isn’t some…,” he groped for an appropriate word, “… performance you’re giving. So your performance anxiety is a waste of time. There’s no grade for this. No reviews. No awards. There’s just us, trying to show how much we love each other.”
Sean stared at him, awestruck. “God, you’re amazing. You always know exactly what to say to find the heart of things.”
Elijah stood up, taking Sean’s hand as he did. “C’mon. Let’s go.”
Sean pulled him back to the couch. “Wait, babe.” Elijah sat back down as Sean sighed. “Couple things I want to tell you first.”
Elijah felt the dull ache of fear twine itself around his stomach. “Is it bad? Is it something… bad?”
“No. No, babe. Not bad. But… I want you to know this stuff… first. OK?”
Elijah nodded. “Tell me. Make it quick. You’ve got me feeling a bit scared.”
Sean interlaced their fingers. “Could you actually believe I’d give you up? Could you believe that?”
“Just tell me, Sean.”
“OK. First… I want to be sure you understand that I’m going back to LA in a day or two. This…,” he gestured with his hand to indicate the apartment, “… us together here… can only last a couple days. Then I have to go back.”
Elijah nodded. “I knew that. I never thought this was a permanent thing, Sean.”
“She needs me,” Sean murmured. “I have to be there for her for a little while yet.”
“I understand.”
Sean smiled at him. “I know you do, baby. Thank god for you.” He leaned in and kissed Elijah tenderly. “OK… one other thing that I thought about on the plane.” He hesitated for a moment, then went on. “I’m moving out of the house fairly soon. I’m getting my own apartment. And…,” he reached up to stroke Elijah’s cheek, “… I’m going to live by myself for awhile.”
Elijah frowned. “Sean, I thought the whole point was for us to be together.”
Sean nodded. “And we will be. But…,” he stopped and his head lowered. Elijah heard his breathing change… become more halting… more tremulous. When his head came up, Elijah could see the tears welling in his eyes.
“Sean…,”
“I’m going through the worst experience of my life. I’ll probably be a basket case more often than not for awhile. There’ll be enough baggage and bullshit for you to deal with when we DO move in together. Let me get through this first, babe.”
Elijah nodded and sighed deeply. “Sean, what the fuck can I say to that? This is your show from start to finish. I have no choice but to follow your lead.”
Sean winced and frowned as if in pain. “I don’t want that either. But…,” he looked at Elijah… searching his expression. “Lij, it’s not just that. It’s also Chris and the girls. I want to show her that you aren’t the only reason I’m doing this. And I want the girls to get used to me having my own place before they have to adjust to you and me as a couple.”
Elijah nodded again. “Sean, you’re making perfect sense. I’m sorry if my heart doesn’t agree with my head about this.” He sighed again and turned to lean back against the couch. His head fell back and he stared at the ceiling. “How will I ever be able to face the girls?”
Sean wheeled and grabbed Elijah’s face in his two hands. He pulled him forward and pressed a kiss hard against his lips. “You’re not listening to me!” he cried, his hands still clasping Elijah’s face. “I’m going whether or not you want me in your life, Elijah. It’s not about you! It’s about ME!”
Elijah leaned forward and pressed his face against Sean’s shoulder and Sean quickly enfolded him in his arms, shaking his head. “You don’t need to feel any guilt when you face the girls,” he murmured. “You may have been a catalyst, Elijah. But you’re not the reason. I need to make Chris understand this too… and I will.”
As he held Elijah close to him, Sean pondered the one reason he hadn’t shared. ‘And if I live by myself for awhile,’ he thought grimly, ‘…you won’t be labeled and judged.’
“I’ll go along with this under one condition,” Elijah said, finally, raising his head.
“Name it.”
“I want it understood that we will, at least, SEE each other after you move out.”
“Well, that goes without saying, Elwood.”
“Does it? Jesus, Sean. Ever since I asked you that fucking question, NOTHING about all this has gone without saying.”
“You tired of talking?” Sean asked him with a grin.
“Talking makes my dick go soft,” Elijah replied, nuzzling against Sean’s shoulder again.
“OH NO!” Sean moaned, shoving Elijah back. “Can’t have THAT! That’s it. I’m done talking.” He folded his arms across his chest and pressed his lips tight together.
Elijah eyed him skeptically. “I doubt your word on that one, Astin.”
“Wfmmy,” Sean murmured in back of tightly closed lips.
Elijah giggled. “Because you’re NEVER quiet for long. You love talking too much.”
Sean’s mouth fell open in fake astonishment. “I resemble that remark!” he quipped. He grinned at Elijah, amazed that he was able to joke. Amazed that he even felt like it. Elijah grinned back, and Sean felt his love for this open-hearted young man hit him like a physical blow. He was lost in it. Drowning in it. Elijah loved him. Elijah would always be there.
Sean’s smile slowly faded. He rose to his feet and held out his hand. “I’m tired. Let’s go lie down. What do you say, Doodle?”
Elijah yawned, stretching elaborately. “Oh, fuck, yeah. Jesus. Tired.” He whapped his hand into Sean’s and was immediately hauled to his feet, but to Sean’s surprise he kept right on coming… leaping up to wrap his legs around Sean’s waist and both arms around Sean’s neck. “You can’t carry IT, but you can fucking well carry ME!”
Staggering… bumping into furniture.. both of them giggling, Sean carried Elijah into the bedroom and dumped him onto the bed. “Last stop, dude. Everybody off,” he announced, dusting his hands, looking smug. “I believe my work here is done.”
He leaned over Elijah, mugging and pointed both index fingers at his own chest. “Sam Gamgee. Don’t leave home without one.”
Elijah rose to kneel on the bed and began stripping Sean’s jacket off. “Wouldn’t dream of it,” he purred. “Elijah wouldn’t get far without his Sam Gamgee,” he tossed Sean’s jacket and went after his ribs with both hands. “Would he?” he giggled.
Sean grabbed him around the waist and threw them both to the bed, wrestling, grabbing for his tickling fingers. “Aaarruugghhh! Elijah! Stop!”
Elijah stopped tickling. “Why?”
Sean considered this, then gazed at him soberly. “I’ll pee.”
Elijah doubled over laughing. “Well, FUCK THAT!” He pushed Sean to his back and straddled him. “I shall not tickle,” he promised.
“Up to you,” Sean said. “You have been warned.” He mugged again and shrugged, absolving himself of responsibility.
Elijah leaned over him, laughing, and slowly began to unbutton the buttons of his shirt. “Remember that word you’d say now and then when we’d have those sexy phone calls?”
Sean watched Elijah’s fingers as they moved from button to button, fascinated, sure that years from now he’d be able to describe exactly how his fingers manipulated each one. “Word?” Sean asked. “What word?”
Elijah bent over him, hands on either side of his face. “The word. The fucking word, Sean. That word you’d never be able to say. The word that I’d fucking say FOR you, just to hear you start breathing heavy.” He leaned lower, bending toward Sean’s face.
Sean grinned. “Might that word begin with the letter… ‘n’?” Sean queried.
Elijah nodded, brushing his lips across Sean’s. “MMmmm,’ he moaned softly. “Yeees. It might at that.”
Sean caught Elijah’s shirt in both hands, pulling him close. “Could it be… naked,” he whispered against Elijah’s ear?
Elijah stretched out on top of Sean, their bodies touching from toes to chest. Sean’s arms locked around his back, pressing him even harder against his body. He could feel Elijah’s arousal pressing against his own, hard and throbbing. He examined his own response, searching for signs of reluctance or squeamishness, and found none. Elijah’s face rested against his shoulder, his breath warm on Sean’s neck. And all that Sean could feel was a passionate desire to remember this moment for all time. To burn every detail into his memory.
His hands slid under Elijah’s t-shirt, and moved slowly over the smooth, firm skin of his back. “Babe?” he whispered. “Maybe we have… like... too many clothes on?”
Elijah leaned up on his palms and grinned into Sean’s face. “Gee, ya think?” He rolled off the bed and began to casually undress. Sean watched him, absolutely unable to turn his head away as Elijah tossed articles of clothing here and there, following no pattern that Sean could discern. The pale perfection of his body took Sean’s breath. Enraptured, he wondered why he’d never noticed how Elijah’s ivory skin set off the delicate, blue veins criss-crossing his chest. Why he’d never noticed the powerful muscles in Elijah’s arms and the perfect shape of his hands. He stared at the long slope of Elijah’s
throat and felt his mouth actually water to press his mouth to that pristine skin.
He sat up, feeling slightly dazed and more than a little confused. Nothing he’d read on the Internet or in ‘New Joy of Gay Sex’ had prepared him for the onslaught of feelings that stormed through him as he gazed at Elijah’s naked body. He pressed his fingertips against his face, feeling dizzy. Elijah was at his side in an instant.
“Sean? You OK?”
Sean nodded and laughed softly. “Yeah,” he half-whispered, reaching to caress Elijah’s cheek. “I’m fine. I’m just… nervous.”
Elijah nodded and pulled the covers down. “Get undressed, Irish.” He slipped under the covers and scooted to the far side of the bed. Sean stripped his clothes off, and with eyes closed, crawled into bed beside Elijah. He buried his face in the pillow, pulled a blanket almost over his head, and took a deep breath. Elijah was on his side, covered with a sheet, leaning on an elbow to look down at Sean. “Seanie, you’re gonna be here a couple days… right?”
Sean peeked up at him from behind the blanket and nodded. “You look nine years old!” Elijah told him, laughing. He scooted lower in the bed and leaned in to kiss Sean’s upper arm. When he spoke, his voice was low. His long fingers moved slowly, stroking Sean’s arm down to his palm, watching as goose bumps spread over his skin. “Listen, buddy,” Elijah murmured, moving his fingertips in a slow circle on Sean’s palm. “You’re tired and you’ve had a very rough day. We’re not in a rush here. Let’s just go to sleep.”
Sean pushed the blanket from his face, scooped Elijah up with one motion of his arm, and pulled him tight against his body. They both gasped as skin slid sensuously against skin. “Oh my fucking god, you have GOT to be kidding,” Sean whispered hoarsely.
Elijah laughed weakly and pressed his face against Sean’s throat. “Jesus, Sean,” he whispered, “… you feel so fucking good.”
Sean struggled to breathe. “Lijah,” he whispered softly. “Lijah…” The feeling of Elijah’s naked body against his had him teetering on the brink of release in an instant. He’d never felt desire this powerful… this immediate. He felt helpless, and hoped for a fleeting instant that Elijah would be able to slow things down. Then he heard Elijah gasping for breath, nearly panting, moaning mindlessly as he undulated his body against Sean’s… and he knew he was a goner.
“Lijah?” he gasped. “Baby? Slow?”
Elijah’s lips moved up Sean’s throat, licking wet circles there, moving slowly higher, laughing softly as his tongue encountered the stubble of Sean’s 5-oclock shadow, nibbling his jaw-line. He drew in a deep breath and pressed his mouth to Sean’s ear and growled: “Fuck slow!”
Sean’s laugh was almost a sob. “Oh, god, Lij,” he moaned, opening his legs to let Elijah lie between them, lifting his knees and bracing his feet against the bed to better arch his hips upward against the body that writhed on top of his.
“Fuck slow,” Elijah growled again. “I’ve been waiting for five fucking years for this. How much slower can it get?” He crushed his mouth to Sean’s, kissing him again and again, gasping between kisses, clutching his hair.
Sean whimpered. His hands moved to grasp Elijah’s rounded buttocks, pushing down hard as his hips rose, feeling their cocks rubbing against each other’s bodies. Elijah’s lips on his were hot, and wet. His tongue slid against Sean’s touching teasingly, then moving away. Sean moaned and convulsively gasped, and Elijah’s tongue returned. Sean sucked it gently, drowning in bliss.
Elijah’s head suddenly snapped back, and the blue eyes locked with Sean’s. “Oh my god,” he whispered. “Seanie…” he whispered. His voice was amazed… unbelieving. Sean wondered for a split second what was wrong before he realized that nothing was wrong. That everything was incredibly right. Elijah’s face twisted with anguished passion. He shook his head hard feathering sweat across Sean’s face, then fell against Sean’s neck with a keening cry, his body shaking violently in release.
Sean tried to hang on. Tried to make it last, but Elijah’s cry, and the feeling of his naked body quaking against Sean’s skin was too much to bear. A wild wave of pleasure took his breath and he gasped, arms locked tight around Elijah, losing himself in the final moment of ecstasy.
For a long time the only sound in the room was the harsh rush of their breath. Elijah’s face was pressed to Sean’s throat. His body moved slightly, as though nestling closer. Sean couldn’t stop running his hands over Elijah’s body. He’d never touched Elijah this way before, and the sensation was overpowering.
“Lij,” Sean whispered finally. “You OK, babe?”
“I couldn’t stop,” Elijah murmured. “Couldn’t even slow down. I’m sorry. Seanie.”
“Jesus!” Sean laughed. “For what? Taking me to heaven?” He ran his hands over Elijah’s body again, down his back, over his rounded buttocks, down his thighs, then slowly back. “Oh, god, I love touching you!”
He skated his fingernails gently down Elijah’s sides, and smiled when he heard Elijah gasp with pleasure. Joy was a luminous light inside him, bursting his chest, scalding his eyes. He’d never felt this close to another human being, and he couldn’t imagine them ever being further apart than they were right this second. The thought was insupportable.
“Oh god, Lij,” he whispered hoarsely. “Don’t go away. Don’t ever go away. I couldn’t bear it.”
Sean felt Elijah’s head shaking. When he spoke, his voice was low and dreamy: “From here, buddy, you have to be the one to go away, not me. I’m not going anywhere.”
Sean’s arms locked even tighter around him as he nodded. “I know. I know. I’m sorry. I just… can’t bear the thought of… I mean I can’t stand to think…”
Elijah lifted his head and kissed Sean’s cheek. “I know.”
Sean’s arms tightened convulsively around Elijah’s body. He knew his fingers were leaving bruises, but couldn’t stop himself. “God,” he breathed, “… I can’t get close enough to you.”
Elijah braced his hands against the bed, and leaned back from Sean’s embrace. “Yes you can,” he murmured. His eyes burned into Sean’s… taking his breath.
Sean’s voice grated, his fingers gently clawed at Elijah’s arm. “How?”
Elijah stretched his body to the side of the bed, fumbling for something that Sean couldn’t see. In an instant he was back and holding a small bottle up in front of Sean’s eyes. “Like this,” Elijah whispered.
Sean stared at the lube, then his eyes flickered to Elijah’s, and back to the lube again. “Do you mean - I mean - do you want to - want me to… Oh god, Elijah, I can’t say it!”
Elijah lowered his head and pressed his mouth to Sean’s ear. “I want you inside me,” he growled. “I want you to be part of me. That’s as close as it gets Seanie. We’ll be one.”
Sean swallowed hard. “But… but, Lij, I’m - I’m - you know…,” he struggled to find the right word.
“Big?” Elijah offered, grinning at him.
Sean rolled his eyes. “Right,” he said, blushing. “And you’re - you know… tiny. You’re like a sparrow. I’d hurt you. I’m afraid I’d hurt you.” Elijah smiled down at him, his face glowing, and Sean thought that he’d never seen anything quite so beautiful.
“Listen, you,” Elijah said. “What did you learn when you… uh… ‘boned-up’ about all this… uh… so to speak? Didn’t you read that size doesn’t matter if you’re slow and careful?”
Sean nodded.
“Well then?”
Sean took a deep breath. “OK,” he croaked. He was already hard and throbbing. Elijah’s naked body pressed against his had him clawing the sheets and whimpering. “Lijah. Lijah,” he whispered hoarsely. “Help me so I don’t hurt you, baby. Please.”
Elijah rolled to his back, pulling Sean to him. But Sean resisted. “Not yet,” he murmured. He lay by Elijah’s side, and for a long, long time he caressed Elijah’s body with trembling fingertips. He wanted Elijah. He’d never wanted anything quite so much in his life. But he couldn’t take him yet. He couldn’t claim him that way. Not until he’d claimed him this way. To touch him with gentle fingers. To live the dream he’d conjured up on so many lonely nights when Elijah was an unspoken hope that beat hollowly against his chest. To see his body writhe with agonized desire as Sean’s fingers caressed his naked flesh. Sean’s heart pounded and breathing became difficult, but still he touched Elijah… softly.. gently… and, bending his head, he kissed Elijah’s body, joining lips and tongue to softly caressing fingers, until Elijah’s cries implored him to please, now… come… take… take…
“Take me!” Elijah cried, pulling on Sean’s arm. “Now, Seanie! God! Do it now! I can’t take anymore!”
Sean grabbed the bottle of lubricant and quickly drenched both of them in the slippery liquid. He looked up at Elijah as he guided himself to the opening of Elijah's body. “Swear to me…” he whispered. “Swear you’ll stop me if I hurt you.”
Elijah nodded, whimpering, and pulled on Sean’s arms. ‘Hurry! Sean… please just… hurry.”
Sean leaned on one elbow, and pressed hard. He gasped as desire coursed through him and eased himself slowly inside Elijah’s body. “Oh god,” Sean gasped. “Oh, god.” Beneath him, Elijah arched upward, accepting that much more of Sean’s cock.
Sean’s eyes closed. Elijah’s body was a heated core, clenching around his swollen erection, leaving him dizzy with sensation. He fell forward slightly, merging slowly, and with infinite tenderness, with the slight body that writhed beneath him. Sean fought with himself, forcing his body to move carefully, torn between desperate desire and desperate fear of harming Elijah.
He pushed harder, deeper.. and Elijah moved to accept him. The pleasure was the hottest, sweetest fire Sean had ever felt. He opened his eyes and looked down at his young lover. “Elijah,” he whispered.
Elijah swallowed and sucked in a quick breath. Then the eyes opened and gazed up at Sean. “Seanie?”
Sean bent closer and nudged himself another inch deeper in Elijah’s body. “Listen to me,” he breathed. “Hear me.” He grasped Elijah’s hands, lacing their fingers together as he bent over his body. “I love you more than I ever dreamed I could love anyone.”
Elijah smiled. His hands tightened on Sean’s and he jerked his head, silently asking Sean to lean closer. When his mouth was nearly against Sean’s ear, Elijah whispered hoarsely: ‘Show me! Show me, Sean! I want to feel it! I want to feel it all! Every bit of love. Every bit of need. Every bit of want! I want it all! Show me, Sean. Show m…”
Sean stopped his mouth with a savage kiss, his tongue sliding over Elijah’s, wishing with all his soul that he could absorb Elijah into his body, merge with his very being, never be apart again. He pressed harder… buried, now, deep inside his lover. Sweat from his face dripped onto Elijah’s chest. Their laced hands were slippery with lubricant and sweat.
For a few moments Sean surrendered to the passion, withdrawing slightly then driving his hardness into Elijah… his thighs slapping wetly against Elijah’s body. Sean looked up, gasping, moaning, hoping to god that Elijah showed no sign of pain.
He was writhing underneath Sean, knees bent to allow him deeper access. His face was a mask of passion, eyes dark with it, body shaking with it. “Do it!” he cried. “Sean, do it! Do it! Fuck me hard! I want to feel it all!”
Clenching his teeth, Sean thrust deep, filling Elijah… then withdrew slightly and plunged deeply again, and again. Together they found a sensual rhythm that drove their desire higher with every movement. Elijah arched upwards to take all of him, shivering beneath Sean with sharp cries of pleasure as the powerful thrust of Sean’s hips stroked his prostate.
For Sean, the rapture was intoxicating, but nearly overshadowed by the intense feelings of love that suffused his entire being. A single thought echoed in his mind again and again, drowning out every other thought… ‘We’re one. We’re one.’ And that one thought was enough to bring Sean to the edge of tears.
He felt Elijah pull his hand free, then reach between them to grasp his own cock. Sean quickly covered Elijah’s hand with his own as Elijah climaxed, spilling himself into their hands, crying Sean’s name again and again.
The sound of his cries convulsed Sean’s body in the longest, hottest release of his life. He whimpered in ecstasy, pulsating within Elijah’s body, and buried his face against Elijah’s neck, nearly sobbing. “We’re one,” he choked out. “We’re one. Oh, Elijah, I love you.”
Elijah’s arms swept around his neck, holding him close. “I know, Sean. I love you too.”
Sean kissed Elijah’s neck and throat, licking the sweat from his skin, murmuring of his love while his heartbeat slowed. His arms wound around Elijah’s body and pulled him closer… tighter… thinking that nothing could ever bring him near enough.
For a long time they silently held each other. Sean felt an utter and complete contentment fill his soul. A peace he’d never experienced before. He felt himself drifting toward sleep, still buried inside Elijah’s body, and lifted his head. “Babe? I’m too heavy. I should move.”
Elijah shook his head. “No. Not yet, Seanie.” His arms tightened around Sean’s neck. “I don’t want it to end.”
Sean laughed softly. “Not much chance of that.” He eased himself out of Elijah and heard him sigh. “Lij? Did I hurt you?”
Elijah shook his head, and rolled to his side to face Sean. “No. You didn’t.”
“Would you tell me if I had?” Sean enquired, bending to kiss him.
Elijah’s fingers moved slowly through Sean’s hair. “Yes, and I’ll tell you why.” His fingers moved from Sean’s hair and slowly drifted down Sean’s face. “Because if I didn’t and you saw me wince afterward or something… you wouldn’t make love to me that way again.”
His fingers drifted across Sean’s cheek, then circled his lips with a feather-soft touch. Sean’s breath caught in his throat. Elijah’s eyes were dark. His voice was low. And Sean felt as though he’d been caught up in a waking dream, a drugged illusion that had captured his very soul. “Elijah…” he breathed.
“And believe me,” Elijah continued. “Believe me. Sean…,” His arm went around Sean’s neck and pulled him close. His mouth pressed against Sean’s ear… murmuring in that same low voice… ‘I want you to make love to me like that again… and again… and again.”
Sean caught him close, crushing their bodies together. “Oh, Lij,” he murmured. He rocked their bodies together for a long time, longing to absorb Elijah’s essence into his very cells. Then he felt Elijah squirm, and leaned back from their embrace. “You want me to let you go?”
“Never,” Elijah said firmly. “It’s just that.. I feel… sticky.”
Sean giggled. “I can’t imagine why. Just because we’re covered in sweat, and come, and lube, and probably a little bit of spit to top it off? Why would THAT make you feel sticky?”
Sean pressed a brief kiss to Elijah’s lips, then rolled away from him and got out of bed. “You take a shower while I change the bed. Deal?”
“You don’t want to take a shower with me?”
“I do want to take a shower with you. Tomorrow. Tonight I don’t think I could do it justice. Not after… uh… what we just did. And I’d like our first shower together to be… ermmm… memorable.”
Elijah grinned at him and clambered out of bed. He ran his hand over Sean’s belly and chest, then rubbed his fingers together and winked. “I’ll save you some hot water.” He pointed toward the linen closet. “Sheets are in that cupboard there.” He kissed Sean’s cheek and wandered toward the bathroom.
Sean pulled the soiled sheets from the bed in a semi-stupor. It only took him a second to grab bedding from the cupboard and begin to remake the bed. The clean sheets were cool against his fingers, but he barely noticed what he was doing. His mind was spinning… thoughts reeling through it like whirlwind. ‘We’re lovers!’ he thought breathlessly. ‘He’s my lover!’ Then… like the crack of a whip, another thought hit him causing him to stop in mid-motion. ‘I’ve just cheated on my wife.’
Sean fell into a chair by the side of the bed, refusing to lie down until he’d showered. He ruthlessly examined his feelings, searching for regret or feelings of guilt… and breathed a sigh of relief when these feelings did not emerge. Sadness… yes. In spite of the joy he felt in his reunion with Elijah and the incredible ecstasy of their union, he still felt the sadness of this morning’s events with Chris.
He heard Elijah moving around in the bathroom and turned his head to watch the door, eager to see him emerge. ‘I didn’t know love could be like this,’ Sean thought. He knew they had a long way to go. He knew that it could be a long time before their life together truly began. But Sean also knew that this was where the passion of his life would be spent.
Elijah smiled as he walked back into the bedroom, and Sean instantly rose and moved to meet him.
The final story in this series is here: Redemption.
As time goes on
I realize
Just what you mean
To me
And now
Now that you’re near
Promise your love
That I’ve waited to share
And dreams
Of our moments together
Color my world with hope of loving you
Colour My World - Chicago
- end -
Title: Reunion
Author: Rakshi ( rakshi@sean-astin.net)
Rating: NC-17
Pairing: Sean Astin/Elijah Wood
Summary: Continuation of ‘The Conversation’ and ‘Confessions’. Sean and Christine struggle to come to terms with their shattered marriage. Sean and Elijah are reunited. The final story in this series is here: Redemption.
Feedback: I'd appreciate it very much.
Disclaimer: This story is a work of satirical fantasy about public figures. It is completely fictional. I make no assertions about the actual private life or the sexual orientation of any person mentioned in this work.
Author’s notes: With heartfelt love and thanks to Princess of Geekland, an amazing Sean/Elijah writer in her own right, for being the world’s best beta. And.. with equally heartfelt gratitude to LadySunrope, who shared her amazing insights with me and made this a much better story by doing so. I hope they are both happy with how this story turned out.
And.. there will be more in this series. I can’t get them to stop.
Flight...
Sean stared. Below him, whitish-grey clouds stretched to the horizon, looking solid enough to walk on. He sighed and pressed his face against the plane’s tiny window. ‘Like so many things…,” he thought. “They look solid, but take one step and feel the ground go right out from under you.’ The first-class attendant brought him a glass of wine and Sean accepted it gratefully. He lifted the wine-glass to his lips, then noticed that his hand was shaking and set it down.
He turned his face back to the window, struggling for composure. This day was the worst. He’d been in non-stop pain from the moment he realized that he had to tell Chris about his feelings for Elijah. But this day was the worst. The nightmare began before he even got out of bed that morning.
Chris knew he was leaving for New York. She knew he was going to be reunited with Elijah. And she knew that this reunion would almost certainly result in Sean and his young co-star becoming lovers. Before Sean woke up, in a desperate attempt to salvage her marriage, Chris had tip-toed into the guestroom and crawled into bed with him. He awoke to the feeling of her hands on his body.
“Chris! What are you doing?”
“Sean, please! Give me a chance to prove to you that you’re NOT gay! That this is just a phase!”
Sean pushed her hands away. When he spoke his voice was gentle: “Chris, you don’t understand.”
“Sean, we have two little girls? What - what are you going to tell them? That you’re going off to live with Uncle Elijah? That you’re abandoning them… for - for - HIM?”
Sean winced and rolled away from her, turning to sit on the side of the bed. Chris moved to kneel at his feet and with hands outstretched, she appealed to him: “Give us another chance, Sean! Don’t do something you’ll regret for the rest of your life!” She was in tears clutching at his t-shirt, trying to embrace him.
Sean caught her hands. “Chris, don’t! Please! You’ll hate yourself for this. And hate ME.”
“How can you DO this?” she screamed. Her hands gripped his t-shirt, shaking him violently. “How can you DO this?” She collapsed at his feet, dissolving into sobs, moaning. “Please, Sean. I want my life back.”
Sean lifted her gently, rocking her, trying to make soothing sounds while struggling to control his own panic. He’d never seen his strong, dignified wife this emotionally shattered, and as he guided her back to the master bedroom his mind raced fearfully, wondering how he could possibly make her understand what was so painfully clear to him.
He lowered her to the bed and sat beside her, taking her hand in his. “Chris, please listen to me.”
She turned to face him, struggling to compose herself, but still crying. “I’m listening, Sean.”
Sean took a deep breath, knowing that this would be the single hardest thing he’d ever done in his life. “Chris, I can’t stay.”
She covered her face with her hands, and sobs shook her body again. Sean yearned to take her into his arms and comfort her, but he hesitated. In her current emotional state, he was fearful that she might interpret an embrace as reason to hope, and Sean knew that in this situation, there simply WAS no hope.
But this was his wife, whom he still loved. Her pain was still his… just as it had been for thirteen years. He rose and walked to the bathroom, and after wetting a washcloth with cold water, he returned to Chris. Her sobs had stilled. She was wiping her face with a trembling hand and when Sean offered her the cold washcloth she took it gratefully. As she pressed it to her face, there was silence in the room they had shared for so many years.
She lowered the washcloth and looked around her as if confused about where to put it. As Sean sat down beside her he took it and tossed it toward the bathroom. Turning to face her, he took her two hands in his. “Can we talk? Can I try to make you understand?”
Chris shook her head. Her voice was wooden: “It doesn’t matter what you say, Sean. I will NEVER understand how you can do this to us. To me. To the girls. How you can abandon us this way.”
“I am not abandoning you. I will never abandon you. Chris, we’re not just man and wife, we’re FRIENDS! That won’t change. I will always take care of you and the girls. I’ll always be there for you… for THEM!”
Chris looked at him sorrowfully. “You want to THINK that you’ll be there and that the damage done to me and the girls will somehow be manageable. But you won’t be there, Sean. You can’t be with him and with us at the same time. And the damage you’ll do to your family is…,” she gestured wildly with her hands, “… incalculable.”
Sean’s throat tightened painfully. He could feel the sobs building inside him… threatening to burst his chest. She was right, and he knew it. This was abandonment, pure and simple. But to stay was to invite an abandonment even more deadly. Even more destructive. His breath caught, and he felt tears streaming down his face.
“Chris,” he whispered brokenly. “I do love you. As a friend. But if I stayed I’d be abandoning something even more important. Something I can’t turn my back on.”
“HIM?”
“No! NOT him!” Sean replied. “I know you won’t believe this, but if he saw you right now he’d BEG me to stay here. Neither of us want to hurt you.”
Chris surprised him by bursting into laughter. “My god! PLEASE, Sean. Please don’t ask me to thank Elijah for his touching concern.” Pulling her hands out of his, she grabbed two Kleenex. She handed one to Sean and wiped her face with the other. “I’m not prepared to be his good buddy no matter how much concern he may SAY he feels for me and for your daughters.”
“Chris, I’m not asking you to,” Sean said. “I’m simply asking you to understand that what I refuse to abandon is my integrity. I won’t become the kind of man who eventually forgets what it feels like to be an honest person. Lying to you. Lying to him. Sneaking. Cheating.”
His wife stared at him for a long moment. When she finally spoke, her voice was bitter. “Do you honestly believe that leaving your family to begin a gay affair with a man ten years your junior doesn’t compromise your integrity, Sean?”
Sean sighed and wiped the tears from his face. “Yes. I believe that. Because the truth of my heart is that he is the one I want to be with. I’ll be here for the girls. And when you let me… I’ll be here for you too, Chris. But to tell you other than the truth about all of this would be even more damaging than what we’re going through now.”
“Jesus, Sean,” Chris spat. “You’re rationalizing this entire situation in order to justify doing exactly as you damn well please.”
“NO!” Sean cried. He got to his feet and stood before her, his hands outstretched, his voice filled with anguish. “Listen to me! Do you EVER want to trust me again? Do I want your respect, Chris? Do I want my children to respect me? Do I want ELIJAH to respect me and believe what I say to him? EVER?!”
Chris’ eyes filled again. She was devastated, but there was no doubt in her mind that her husband believed every word he was saying.
“I am not rationalizing! I’m taking the harder road because I cherish my relationships with all of you. If I lied.. if I simply cheated with Elijah.. if I snuck behind your back to see him, I’d lose all of you. None of you would truly trust me again. And worst of all, I’d lose myself, Chris. And I’d never, ever find myself again.”
For a long moment there was absolute silence as husband and wife stared into each other’s eyes. Then Chris drew a deep, shaky breath and stood. “You should get ready for your flight.” She touched Sean’s arm lightly. “I’ll make coffee.”
“Chris, you don’t have...,” Sean began. But she lifted her hand to halt his words, and walked from the bedroom.
Sean was still shaken and white-faced when he got to the airport. And now, as he hurtled eastward, fighting off the inevitable claustrophobia that a long plane ride created in him, his conversation with Chris still echoed painfully in his mind and heart.
‘Do I really want to do this?’ he wondered. ‘Jesus, Elijah’s ten years younger than me. What if it doesn’t work out? What if he gets tired of me?’ He tried to focus on Elijah’s face… on the night they were together… on the taste of his kiss. But all he could remember was his wife of thirteen years, the mother of his two beautiful daughters, crumbled on the floor at his feet moaning: ‘Please, Sean. I want my life back.’
‘Oh Jesus!’ Sean thought, moaning inwardly. ‘Why can’t I feel as sure as I felt before? Where did it go?’
Agonized by doubts, Sean found himself wishing that the plane ride would go on forever. That he could hang, eternally suspended, between the two worlds that tore at his heart. That this choice, so unbearable in its ramifications no matter which direction he went, would never have to be made.
He felt his cell phone vibrate in his coat pocket, and reached for it. ‘Must’ve forgotten to turn it off,’ he thought. It was flashing with a text message, and as Sean quickly read it he felt his throat tighten.
‘I love you, my Seanwise. Hurry back to me. E.’
Sean felt tears streaming down his cheeks and quickly swiped them away. He hit the ‘off’ button on his phone, and, once again, turned toward the window.. and the endless clouds.
Greeting…
Sean walked quickly to the door leading outside from baggage claim. His carry-on was all the luggage he had. He pushed through the door and sucked in a lungful of chill New York air, hoping that he could remain anonymous and undiscovered. For once, he wanted no fans around him. ‘Please, god, let him be there,’ Sean prayed silently.
He looked around quickly and spotted Elijah standing quietly beside the open rear door of a shiny, black limo. He saw Sean, but didn’t move for a moment. He simply stared, as though he wasn’t sure what his next move should be. Then he lifted his hand and waved. Sean walked quickly toward him.
Elijah had climbed back into the limo before Sean reached it. He moved behind the driver and reached for Sean’s bag as he swung it into the car. “Here. Gimme that.” He signaled the driver before tossing Sean’s bag onto the facing seat. Sean plopped down beside him, and as the limo began to move Elijah turned slowly to face him.
“Hi.”
Sean stared into his eyes… mesmerized. He’d spoken about Elijah’s eyes. Spoken about the hours he’d spent staring into their eclipse-like beauty. But somehow all the hundreds of times he’d stared into them faded now and became meaningless. Nothing mattered except this one moment. He saw love and concern expressed there. And he saw, reflected in the fierce light that radiated from them, a belief in Sean that could never be destroyed.
“Sweet Jesus,” Sean breathed. He reached slowly for Elijah and pulled him into his arms with a moan that seemed to come from the depths of his soul. “Lij…,” he moaned again, holding him close, fingers clenching the back of his jacket.
“Sean, what…?” Elijah began, then stopped when Sean shook his head almost violently.
“I can’t talk yet.” He whispered, the pain inside him clawing at his chest, taking his breath. “Please don’t ask.”
Elijah nodded. His arms wound around Sean’s body and locked, pulling Sean tight against his chest. He tried to stay calm. Tried to still his pounding heart. “Shhh, Seanie. It’s OK. We’re together now.”
Sean nodded, the sound of Elijah’s voice seeping through him like an opiate. His fingers slowly unclenched and his head turned. He brushed his lips softly against the hollow under Elijah’s cheekbones. Then he leaned back and stared at his friend.
Elijah’s eyebrows lifted slightly. “Rough flight?” he asked softly.
Sean amazed himself by bursting into laughter. “Jesus, yeah. The roughest. This has been the day from hell.”
Elijah nodded and sighed. He gazed into Sean’s eyes as if assessing him, running his hands up and down Sean’s arms, then he took a deep breath. “Well, hang on to yourself, buddy, because it’s not over yet. While you were in midair… I got a phone call.”
Sean’s eyes widened. “Oh god,” he breathed. “No.”
Elijah nodded. “She begged me, in tears, to let you go, Sean. Went on for some time about how devastating this is going to be for her…,” Elijah’s eyes shown with tears. He tried to speak… but couldn’t, and lowered his head.
Sean gripped his shoulders and after a moment Elijah raised his head. “She talked about…,” he swallowed hard. “The girls, Sean. She talked about…” His voice slid away and he pulled away from Sean to lean his back against the seat and stare at the limo’s ceiling. “Worst fucking phone call I’ve ever gotten in my life.”
Sean stared past him out the limo’s tinted side window, and Elijah watched him, studying the face he loved. He knew Sean was processing what he’d just heard. Struggling for a way to respond to Elijah’s distress, while obviously still dealing with his own. He reached for Sean’s hand. “Hey. Stop thinking about it for a minute.”
Sean turned his head and stared at Elijah. His lips formed the word without saying it. 'How?'
Elijah sat up and tugged on his hand. “Obviously we need to talk this through. And we will. But let’s get to my place first.” He pulled Sean closer, tugging on his hand until they were huddled together on the limo’s back seat, foreheads touching, hands clasped tightly. “Until then…,” Elijah whispered.
Sean nodded.
Home…
“Toss your bag,” Elijah told Sean, pointing toward the bedroom. “I’ll get us a glass of wine.”
Sean wandered into Elijah’s bedroom, then stood perfectly still in the center of the room, staring at Elijah’s beautiful king sized bed. He finally took a deep breath and tossed his bag onto a chair, then turned again to stare at the bed.
“We don’t have to do anything, you know,” Elijah said from behind him. Sean turned to watch as Elijah walked to him carrying two glasses of deep-maroon Merlot.
“No?” Sean said with a small smile. “After all those sexy, midnight phone conversations?” He took the glass from Elijah and sipped quietly.
Elijah’s eyes over the top of his glass were dark; dark as the wine. And Sean felt his chest slowly tighten as he looked into them. “Yes. Even after all those conversations,” Elijah said. “We’re not on a clock, Sean. I want you to have peace when you’re with me…”
Sean’s eyebrows rose and a small smile crept across his lips. They both laughed at once. “Not THAT kind of peace, fucker!” Elijah countered, grinning. He took Sean’s arm and tugged gently toward the living room. “Let’s go sit. We need to talk.”
As Sean approached the couch he remembered the last time they’d been together in this place. They had lain in each other’s arms all night, talking… kissing… murmuring… discovering things about themselves and each other that neither of them had dreamt were possible… then finally drifted off to sleep just as the morning sun had begun to flow over Elijah’s window sill.
They had awakened a short time before they were due at Lincoln Center, and their final hour here had been a frantic rushing to get ready. A time filled with hastily grabbed kisses, occasional passionate embraces, and gales of laughter as they fought over electric razors, ties, and counter space in the bathroom.
Sean fell onto the couch and drew in a deep breath. “Jesus, I’m glad to be here.”
Elijah sat beside him, leaning over him to set his wineglass on the table. “I’m glad you are too.” He looked up at Sean, and winced at the red, swollen eyes. His voice softened. “So glad, Seanie.”
Sean took Elijah’s hand in his. “So… what did you tell her, Lij?”
“What do you mean?”
“What did you tell her when she begged you to let me go.”
Elijah looked down to where his hand rested in Sean’s. “I really didn’t say much of anything. She did most of the talking. Telling me how much damage I’d be doing to the girls… to her.”
Sean shook his head. “First off, you need to be clear about something. Even if you never wanted to see me again, I would still leave Chris. I realized that on the plane.”
Elijah looked up at him but said nothing.
“I realized it last night, but was too upset to understand what I was feeling. She was kneeling at my feet, crying, sobbing, begging me not to do this to her.”
Elijah winced. “Jesus, Sean! What were we thinking? I plunged into my feelings for you without a thought to who was being hurt by them. God, I’m amazed you don’t hate me!”
“Stop that! You disallowed those feelings for years. Stifled them. Suppressed them. So did I.”
Elijah sighed and reached for his wine.
“And we did think about it. If I recall correctly, that’s why we’re not lovers right this second. Because we wanted to be square with Chris. We didn’t want to sneak… or lie. We were frantic with concern about what she’d do. How she’d feel. And since I told her…, god, Elijah, I’ve never known such pain.” Elijah winced again, but held Sean’s gaze. “But that’s just IT! I felt horrible today. Would have done anything to help ease her pain. It nearly killed me to see her that broken.” Sean drew a deep, shaky breath, his mouth twisting with the need to cry. Then he shook himself hard. “But even in the midst of it, Elijah! Even then! I KNEW I couldn’t stay! I knew it!”
Elijah sat his wine down again and lowered his head into his hands, feeling dizzy with relief. “Jesus, Sean.” Then his head lifted again. “But… what about the girls?” Sean started to speak but Elijah interrupted him. “No! Listen to me. My fucking father left me because he wanted someone other than my mom. He loved me. I know he did. But it wasn’t enough to make him stay, Sean. And I’ve had to live with that all my life.”
Sean reached out and drew Elijah into his arms. He rocked him gently against his body as his hands moved soothingly over Elijah’s back. “Now you listen to ME, baby.. He left your mom, yes. That was his choice and maybe for him, then, it was a right one. But he didn’t have to leave YOU. That was a choice he made too. A rotten choice. A fool’s choice. And that’s the choice you’ve had to live with. Not the fact that he left your mom for someone else.”
Elijah leaned back and looked into Sean’s eyes again. “Sean, you have to promise me that you won’t ever…”
Sean gathered him close again. “Never. Fucking never. God, Elijah, you know I’d never do to my kids what was done to you. I won’t do that. YOU won’t do that!”
He grabbed Elijah’s shoulders and leaned him back to lock their eyes again. “WE won’t do that.”
Elijah’s eyes were bright with tears, but he didn’t cry. He reached for Sean, his hand moving to the back of his head, pulling him slowly forward until their two mouths pressed hard against each other.
Sensation tore through Sean like a riptide and he gasped. His hands grasped Elijah, convulsively pulling him closer. For long minutes they kissed. Slowly… intimately. Sipping each other’s lips, savoring them as they had savored their wine. Sean’s tongue traced the outline of Elijah’s mouth, immersed in the feeling of his lips, a nearly delirious bliss encompassing every molecule in his body. He felt Elijah’s breath against his lips and smiled, remembering his hunger for that breath the first time they kissed.
He thought of the confusion, the uncertainty he’d felt when Chris begged him to stay. And he knew that he would feel no such uncertainty here. He knew this was where he belonged. He knew he had come home.
Reunion…
They leaned back at the same time, both of them still breathless. Elijah tilted his head toward the bedroom, a small smile playing across his lips. Sean glanced in the direction he had indicated and swallowed hard.
“You still nervous?” Elijah asked, his smile broadening.
“Well, yeah. Kinda.” Sean glanced, again, toward the bedroom and cleared his throat, shooting a fake-glare at Elijah when he giggled. “C’mon! No fair giggling, you!” He grabbed at Elijah’s ribs… tickling. “You wanna giggle? I’ll give you giggle, you wanker!”
For a moment they wrestled on the couch, Elijah screaming with laughter while Sean tickled him unmercifully. Then Sean grabbed him in a bear hug and snuggled him tight against his body. “Guess I am nervous. Aren’t you?”
Elijah poked Sean’s ribs, then relaxed against him. “Nope. Not nervous.” He suddenly sat back and turned to face Sean. “Listen! First off, we don’t have to make love if you’re not comfortable with the idea.” Sean shot him a disbelieving look and Elijah giggled again. “OK. OK. You’re good with the idea.”
“Uh… that would be a ‘yes’, Elijah,” Sean responded, shaking his head and laughing softly.
“OK, fine. Second, you’re not going to be all alone in there you know. This isn’t some…,” he groped for an appropriate word, “… performance you’re giving. So your performance anxiety is a waste of time. There’s no grade for this. No reviews. No awards. There’s just us, trying to show how much we love each other.”
Sean stared at him, awestruck. “God, you’re amazing. You always know exactly what to say to find the heart of things.”
Elijah stood up, taking Sean’s hand as he did. “C’mon. Let’s go.”
Sean pulled him back to the couch. “Wait, babe.” Elijah sat back down as Sean sighed. “Couple things I want to tell you first.”
Elijah felt the dull ache of fear twine itself around his stomach. “Is it bad? Is it something… bad?”
“No. No, babe. Not bad. But… I want you to know this stuff… first. OK?”
Elijah nodded. “Tell me. Make it quick. You’ve got me feeling a bit scared.”
Sean interlaced their fingers. “Could you actually believe I’d give you up? Could you believe that?”
“Just tell me, Sean.”
“OK. First… I want to be sure you understand that I’m going back to LA in a day or two. This…,” he gestured with his hand to indicate the apartment, “… us together here… can only last a couple days. Then I have to go back.”
Elijah nodded. “I knew that. I never thought this was a permanent thing, Sean.”
“She needs me,” Sean murmured. “I have to be there for her for a little while yet.”
“I understand.”
Sean smiled at him. “I know you do, baby. Thank god for you.” He leaned in and kissed Elijah tenderly. “OK… one other thing that I thought about on the plane.” He hesitated for a moment, then went on. “I’m moving out of the house fairly soon. I’m getting my own apartment. And…,” he reached up to stroke Elijah’s cheek, “… I’m going to live by myself for awhile.”
Elijah frowned. “Sean, I thought the whole point was for us to be together.”
Sean nodded. “And we will be. But…,” he stopped and his head lowered. Elijah heard his breathing change… become more halting… more tremulous. When his head came up, Elijah could see the tears welling in his eyes.
“Sean…,”
“I’m going through the worst experience of my life. I’ll probably be a basket case more often than not for awhile. There’ll be enough baggage and bullshit for you to deal with when we DO move in together. Let me get through this first, babe.”
Elijah nodded and sighed deeply. “Sean, what the fuck can I say to that? This is your show from start to finish. I have no choice but to follow your lead.”
Sean winced and frowned as if in pain. “I don’t want that either. But…,” he looked at Elijah… searching his expression. “Lij, it’s not just that. It’s also Chris and the girls. I want to show her that you aren’t the only reason I’m doing this. And I want the girls to get used to me having my own place before they have to adjust to you and me as a couple.”
Elijah nodded again. “Sean, you’re making perfect sense. I’m sorry if my heart doesn’t agree with my head about this.” He sighed again and turned to lean back against the couch. His head fell back and he stared at the ceiling. “How will I ever be able to face the girls?”
Sean wheeled and grabbed Elijah’s face in his two hands. He pulled him forward and pressed a kiss hard against his lips. “You’re not listening to me!” he cried, his hands still clasping Elijah’s face. “I’m going whether or not you want me in your life, Elijah. It’s not about you! It’s about ME!”
Elijah leaned forward and pressed his face against Sean’s shoulder and Sean quickly enfolded him in his arms, shaking his head. “You don’t need to feel any guilt when you face the girls,” he murmured. “You may have been a catalyst, Elijah. But you’re not the reason. I need to make Chris understand this too… and I will.”
As he held Elijah close to him, Sean pondered the one reason he hadn’t shared. ‘And if I live by myself for awhile,’ he thought grimly, ‘…you won’t be labeled and judged.’
“I’ll go along with this under one condition,” Elijah said, finally, raising his head.
“Name it.”
“I want it understood that we will, at least, SEE each other after you move out.”
“Well, that goes without saying, Elwood.”
“Does it? Jesus, Sean. Ever since I asked you that fucking question, NOTHING about all this has gone without saying.”
“You tired of talking?” Sean asked him with a grin.
“Talking makes my dick go soft,” Elijah replied, nuzzling against Sean’s shoulder again.
“OH NO!” Sean moaned, shoving Elijah back. “Can’t have THAT! That’s it. I’m done talking.” He folded his arms across his chest and pressed his lips tight together.
Elijah eyed him skeptically. “I doubt your word on that one, Astin.”
“Wfmmy,” Sean murmured in back of tightly closed lips.
Elijah giggled. “Because you’re NEVER quiet for long. You love talking too much.”
Sean’s mouth fell open in fake astonishment. “I resemble that remark!” he quipped. He grinned at Elijah, amazed that he was able to joke. Amazed that he even felt like it. Elijah grinned back, and Sean felt his love for this open-hearted young man hit him like a physical blow. He was lost in it. Drowning in it. Elijah loved him. Elijah would always be there.
Sean’s smile slowly faded. He rose to his feet and held out his hand. “I’m tired. Let’s go lie down. What do you say, Doodle?”
Elijah yawned, stretching elaborately. “Oh, fuck, yeah. Jesus. Tired.” He whapped his hand into Sean’s and was immediately hauled to his feet, but to Sean’s surprise he kept right on coming… leaping up to wrap his legs around Sean’s waist and both arms around Sean’s neck. “You can’t carry IT, but you can fucking well carry ME!”
Staggering… bumping into furniture.. both of them giggling, Sean carried Elijah into the bedroom and dumped him onto the bed. “Last stop, dude. Everybody off,” he announced, dusting his hands, looking smug. “I believe my work here is done.”
He leaned over Elijah, mugging and pointed both index fingers at his own chest. “Sam Gamgee. Don’t leave home without one.”
Elijah rose to kneel on the bed and began stripping Sean’s jacket off. “Wouldn’t dream of it,” he purred. “Elijah wouldn’t get far without his Sam Gamgee,” he tossed Sean’s jacket and went after his ribs with both hands. “Would he?” he giggled.
Sean grabbed him around the waist and threw them both to the bed, wrestling, grabbing for his tickling fingers. “Aaarruugghhh! Elijah! Stop!”
Elijah stopped tickling. “Why?”
Sean considered this, then gazed at him soberly. “I’ll pee.”
Elijah doubled over laughing. “Well, FUCK THAT!” He pushed Sean to his back and straddled him. “I shall not tickle,” he promised.
“Up to you,” Sean said. “You have been warned.” He mugged again and shrugged, absolving himself of responsibility.
Elijah leaned over him, laughing, and slowly began to unbutton the buttons of his shirt. “Remember that word you’d say now and then when we’d have those sexy phone calls?”
Sean watched Elijah’s fingers as they moved from button to button, fascinated, sure that years from now he’d be able to describe exactly how his fingers manipulated each one. “Word?” Sean asked. “What word?”
Elijah bent over him, hands on either side of his face. “The word. The fucking word, Sean. That word you’d never be able to say. The word that I’d fucking say FOR you, just to hear you start breathing heavy.” He leaned lower, bending toward Sean’s face.
Sean grinned. “Might that word begin with the letter… ‘n’?” Sean queried.
Elijah nodded, brushing his lips across Sean’s. “MMmmm,’ he moaned softly. “Yeees. It might at that.”
Sean caught Elijah’s shirt in both hands, pulling him close. “Could it be… naked,” he whispered against Elijah’s ear?
Elijah stretched out on top of Sean, their bodies touching from toes to chest. Sean’s arms locked around his back, pressing him even harder against his body. He could feel Elijah’s arousal pressing against his own, hard and throbbing. He examined his own response, searching for signs of reluctance or squeamishness, and found none. Elijah’s face rested against his shoulder, his breath warm on Sean’s neck. And all that Sean could feel was a passionate desire to remember this moment for all time. To burn every detail into his memory.
His hands slid under Elijah’s t-shirt, and moved slowly over the smooth, firm skin of his back. “Babe?” he whispered. “Maybe we have… like... too many clothes on?”
Elijah leaned up on his palms and grinned into Sean’s face. “Gee, ya think?” He rolled off the bed and began to casually undress. Sean watched him, absolutely unable to turn his head away as Elijah tossed articles of clothing here and there, following no pattern that Sean could discern. The pale perfection of his body took Sean’s breath. Enraptured, he wondered why he’d never noticed how Elijah’s ivory skin set off the delicate, blue veins criss-crossing his chest. Why he’d never noticed the powerful muscles in Elijah’s arms and the perfect shape of his hands. He stared at the long slope of Elijah’s
throat and felt his mouth actually water to press his mouth to that pristine skin.
He sat up, feeling slightly dazed and more than a little confused. Nothing he’d read on the Internet or in ‘New Joy of Gay Sex’ had prepared him for the onslaught of feelings that stormed through him as he gazed at Elijah’s naked body. He pressed his fingertips against his face, feeling dizzy. Elijah was at his side in an instant.
“Sean? You OK?”
Sean nodded and laughed softly. “Yeah,” he half-whispered, reaching to caress Elijah’s cheek. “I’m fine. I’m just… nervous.”
Elijah nodded and pulled the covers down. “Get undressed, Irish.” He slipped under the covers and scooted to the far side of the bed. Sean stripped his clothes off, and with eyes closed, crawled into bed beside Elijah. He buried his face in the pillow, pulled a blanket almost over his head, and took a deep breath. Elijah was on his side, covered with a sheet, leaning on an elbow to look down at Sean. “Seanie, you’re gonna be here a couple days… right?”
Sean peeked up at him from behind the blanket and nodded. “You look nine years old!” Elijah told him, laughing. He scooted lower in the bed and leaned in to kiss Sean’s upper arm. When he spoke, his voice was low. His long fingers moved slowly, stroking Sean’s arm down to his palm, watching as goose bumps spread over his skin. “Listen, buddy,” Elijah murmured, moving his fingertips in a slow circle on Sean’s palm. “You’re tired and you’ve had a very rough day. We’re not in a rush here. Let’s just go to sleep.”
Sean pushed the blanket from his face, scooped Elijah up with one motion of his arm, and pulled him tight against his body. They both gasped as skin slid sensuously against skin. “Oh my fucking god, you have GOT to be kidding,” Sean whispered hoarsely.
Elijah laughed weakly and pressed his face against Sean’s throat. “Jesus, Sean,” he whispered, “… you feel so fucking good.”
Sean struggled to breathe. “Lijah,” he whispered softly. “Lijah…” The feeling of Elijah’s naked body against his had him teetering on the brink of release in an instant. He’d never felt desire this powerful… this immediate. He felt helpless, and hoped for a fleeting instant that Elijah would be able to slow things down. Then he heard Elijah gasping for breath, nearly panting, moaning mindlessly as he undulated his body against Sean’s… and he knew he was a goner.
“Lijah?” he gasped. “Baby? Slow?”
Elijah’s lips moved up Sean’s throat, licking wet circles there, moving slowly higher, laughing softly as his tongue encountered the stubble of Sean’s 5-oclock shadow, nibbling his jaw-line. He drew in a deep breath and pressed his mouth to Sean’s ear and growled: “Fuck slow!”
Sean’s laugh was almost a sob. “Oh, god, Lij,” he moaned, opening his legs to let Elijah lie between them, lifting his knees and bracing his feet against the bed to better arch his hips upward against the body that writhed on top of his.
“Fuck slow,” Elijah growled again. “I’ve been waiting for five fucking years for this. How much slower can it get?” He crushed his mouth to Sean’s, kissing him again and again, gasping between kisses, clutching his hair.
Sean whimpered. His hands moved to grasp Elijah’s rounded buttocks, pushing down hard as his hips rose, feeling their cocks rubbing against each other’s bodies. Elijah’s lips on his were hot, and wet. His tongue slid against Sean’s touching teasingly, then moving away. Sean moaned and convulsively gasped, and Elijah’s tongue returned. Sean sucked it gently, drowning in bliss.
Elijah’s head suddenly snapped back, and the blue eyes locked with Sean’s. “Oh my god,” he whispered. “Seanie…” he whispered. His voice was amazed… unbelieving. Sean wondered for a split second what was wrong before he realized that nothing was wrong. That everything was incredibly right. Elijah’s face twisted with anguished passion. He shook his head hard feathering sweat across Sean’s face, then fell against Sean’s neck with a keening cry, his body shaking violently in release.
Sean tried to hang on. Tried to make it last, but Elijah’s cry, and the feeling of his naked body quaking against Sean’s skin was too much to bear. A wild wave of pleasure took his breath and he gasped, arms locked tight around Elijah, losing himself in the final moment of ecstasy.
For a long time the only sound in the room was the harsh rush of their breath. Elijah’s face was pressed to Sean’s throat. His body moved slightly, as though nestling closer. Sean couldn’t stop running his hands over Elijah’s body. He’d never touched Elijah this way before, and the sensation was overpowering.
“Lij,” Sean whispered finally. “You OK, babe?”
“I couldn’t stop,” Elijah murmured. “Couldn’t even slow down. I’m sorry. Seanie.”
“Jesus!” Sean laughed. “For what? Taking me to heaven?” He ran his hands over Elijah’s body again, down his back, over his rounded buttocks, down his thighs, then slowly back. “Oh, god, I love touching you!”
He skated his fingernails gently down Elijah’s sides, and smiled when he heard Elijah gasp with pleasure. Joy was a luminous light inside him, bursting his chest, scalding his eyes. He’d never felt this close to another human being, and he couldn’t imagine them ever being further apart than they were right this second. The thought was insupportable.
“Oh god, Lij,” he whispered hoarsely. “Don’t go away. Don’t ever go away. I couldn’t bear it.”
Sean felt Elijah’s head shaking. When he spoke, his voice was low and dreamy: “From here, buddy, you have to be the one to go away, not me. I’m not going anywhere.”
Sean’s arms locked even tighter around him as he nodded. “I know. I know. I’m sorry. I just… can’t bear the thought of… I mean I can’t stand to think…”
Elijah lifted his head and kissed Sean’s cheek. “I know.”
Sean’s arms tightened convulsively around Elijah’s body. He knew his fingers were leaving bruises, but couldn’t stop himself. “God,” he breathed, “… I can’t get close enough to you.”
Elijah braced his hands against the bed, and leaned back from Sean’s embrace. “Yes you can,” he murmured. His eyes burned into Sean’s… taking his breath.
Sean’s voice grated, his fingers gently clawed at Elijah’s arm. “How?”
Elijah stretched his body to the side of the bed, fumbling for something that Sean couldn’t see. In an instant he was back and holding a small bottle up in front of Sean’s eyes. “Like this,” Elijah whispered.
Sean stared at the lube, then his eyes flickered to Elijah’s, and back to the lube again. “Do you mean - I mean - do you want to - want me to… Oh god, Elijah, I can’t say it!”
Elijah lowered his head and pressed his mouth to Sean’s ear. “I want you inside me,” he growled. “I want you to be part of me. That’s as close as it gets Seanie. We’ll be one.”
Sean swallowed hard. “But… but, Lij, I’m - I’m - you know…,” he struggled to find the right word.
“Big?” Elijah offered, grinning at him.
Sean rolled his eyes. “Right,” he said, blushing. “And you’re - you know… tiny. You’re like a sparrow. I’d hurt you. I’m afraid I’d hurt you.” Elijah smiled down at him, his face glowing, and Sean thought that he’d never seen anything quite so beautiful.
“Listen, you,” Elijah said. “What did you learn when you… uh… ‘boned-up’ about all this… uh… so to speak? Didn’t you read that size doesn’t matter if you’re slow and careful?”
Sean nodded.
“Well then?”
Sean took a deep breath. “OK,” he croaked. He was already hard and throbbing. Elijah’s naked body pressed against his had him clawing the sheets and whimpering. “Lijah. Lijah,” he whispered hoarsely. “Help me so I don’t hurt you, baby. Please.”
Elijah rolled to his back, pulling Sean to him. But Sean resisted. “Not yet,” he murmured. He lay by Elijah’s side, and for a long, long time he caressed Elijah’s body with trembling fingertips. He wanted Elijah. He’d never wanted anything quite so much in his life. But he couldn’t take him yet. He couldn’t claim him that way. Not until he’d claimed him this way. To touch him with gentle fingers. To live the dream he’d conjured up on so many lonely nights when Elijah was an unspoken hope that beat hollowly against his chest. To see his body writhe with agonized desire as Sean’s fingers caressed his naked flesh. Sean’s heart pounded and breathing became difficult, but still he touched Elijah… softly.. gently… and, bending his head, he kissed Elijah’s body, joining lips and tongue to softly caressing fingers, until Elijah’s cries implored him to please, now… come… take… take…
“Take me!” Elijah cried, pulling on Sean’s arm. “Now, Seanie! God! Do it now! I can’t take anymore!”
Sean grabbed the bottle of lubricant and quickly drenched both of them in the slippery liquid. He looked up at Elijah as he guided himself to the opening of Elijah's body. “Swear to me…” he whispered. “Swear you’ll stop me if I hurt you.”
Elijah nodded, whimpering, and pulled on Sean’s arms. ‘Hurry! Sean… please just… hurry.”
Sean leaned on one elbow, and pressed hard. He gasped as desire coursed through him and eased himself slowly inside Elijah’s body. “Oh god,” Sean gasped. “Oh, god.” Beneath him, Elijah arched upward, accepting that much more of Sean’s cock.
Sean’s eyes closed. Elijah’s body was a heated core, clenching around his swollen erection, leaving him dizzy with sensation. He fell forward slightly, merging slowly, and with infinite tenderness, with the slight body that writhed beneath him. Sean fought with himself, forcing his body to move carefully, torn between desperate desire and desperate fear of harming Elijah.
He pushed harder, deeper.. and Elijah moved to accept him. The pleasure was the hottest, sweetest fire Sean had ever felt. He opened his eyes and looked down at his young lover. “Elijah,” he whispered.
Elijah swallowed and sucked in a quick breath. Then the eyes opened and gazed up at Sean. “Seanie?”
Sean bent closer and nudged himself another inch deeper in Elijah’s body. “Listen to me,” he breathed. “Hear me.” He grasped Elijah’s hands, lacing their fingers together as he bent over his body. “I love you more than I ever dreamed I could love anyone.”
Elijah smiled. His hands tightened on Sean’s and he jerked his head, silently asking Sean to lean closer. When his mouth was nearly against Sean’s ear, Elijah whispered hoarsely: ‘Show me! Show me, Sean! I want to feel it! I want to feel it all! Every bit of love. Every bit of need. Every bit of want! I want it all! Show me, Sean. Show m…”
Sean stopped his mouth with a savage kiss, his tongue sliding over Elijah’s, wishing with all his soul that he could absorb Elijah into his body, merge with his very being, never be apart again. He pressed harder… buried, now, deep inside his lover. Sweat from his face dripped onto Elijah’s chest. Their laced hands were slippery with lubricant and sweat.
For a few moments Sean surrendered to the passion, withdrawing slightly then driving his hardness into Elijah… his thighs slapping wetly against Elijah’s body. Sean looked up, gasping, moaning, hoping to god that Elijah showed no sign of pain.
He was writhing underneath Sean, knees bent to allow him deeper access. His face was a mask of passion, eyes dark with it, body shaking with it. “Do it!” he cried. “Sean, do it! Do it! Fuck me hard! I want to feel it all!”
Clenching his teeth, Sean thrust deep, filling Elijah… then withdrew slightly and plunged deeply again, and again. Together they found a sensual rhythm that drove their desire higher with every movement. Elijah arched upwards to take all of him, shivering beneath Sean with sharp cries of pleasure as the powerful thrust of Sean’s hips stroked his prostate.
For Sean, the rapture was intoxicating, but nearly overshadowed by the intense feelings of love that suffused his entire being. A single thought echoed in his mind again and again, drowning out every other thought… ‘We’re one. We’re one.’ And that one thought was enough to bring Sean to the edge of tears.
He felt Elijah pull his hand free, then reach between them to grasp his own cock. Sean quickly covered Elijah’s hand with his own as Elijah climaxed, spilling himself into their hands, crying Sean’s name again and again.
The sound of his cries convulsed Sean’s body in the longest, hottest release of his life. He whimpered in ecstasy, pulsating within Elijah’s body, and buried his face against Elijah’s neck, nearly sobbing. “We’re one,” he choked out. “We’re one. Oh, Elijah, I love you.”
Elijah’s arms swept around his neck, holding him close. “I know, Sean. I love you too.”
Sean kissed Elijah’s neck and throat, licking the sweat from his skin, murmuring of his love while his heartbeat slowed. His arms wound around Elijah’s body and pulled him closer… tighter… thinking that nothing could ever bring him near enough.
For a long time they silently held each other. Sean felt an utter and complete contentment fill his soul. A peace he’d never experienced before. He felt himself drifting toward sleep, still buried inside Elijah’s body, and lifted his head. “Babe? I’m too heavy. I should move.”
Elijah shook his head. “No. Not yet, Seanie.” His arms tightened around Sean’s neck. “I don’t want it to end.”
Sean laughed softly. “Not much chance of that.” He eased himself out of Elijah and heard him sigh. “Lij? Did I hurt you?”
Elijah shook his head, and rolled to his side to face Sean. “No. You didn’t.”
“Would you tell me if I had?” Sean enquired, bending to kiss him.
Elijah’s fingers moved slowly through Sean’s hair. “Yes, and I’ll tell you why.” His fingers moved from Sean’s hair and slowly drifted down Sean’s face. “Because if I didn’t and you saw me wince afterward or something… you wouldn’t make love to me that way again.”
His fingers drifted across Sean’s cheek, then circled his lips with a feather-soft touch. Sean’s breath caught in his throat. Elijah’s eyes were dark. His voice was low. And Sean felt as though he’d been caught up in a waking dream, a drugged illusion that had captured his very soul. “Elijah…” he breathed.
“And believe me,” Elijah continued. “Believe me. Sean…,” His arm went around Sean’s neck and pulled him close. His mouth pressed against Sean’s ear… murmuring in that same low voice… ‘I want you to make love to me like that again… and again… and again.”
Sean caught him close, crushing their bodies together. “Oh, Lij,” he murmured. He rocked their bodies together for a long time, longing to absorb Elijah’s essence into his very cells. Then he felt Elijah squirm, and leaned back from their embrace. “You want me to let you go?”
“Never,” Elijah said firmly. “It’s just that.. I feel… sticky.”
Sean giggled. “I can’t imagine why. Just because we’re covered in sweat, and come, and lube, and probably a little bit of spit to top it off? Why would THAT make you feel sticky?”
Sean pressed a brief kiss to Elijah’s lips, then rolled away from him and got out of bed. “You take a shower while I change the bed. Deal?”
“You don’t want to take a shower with me?”
“I do want to take a shower with you. Tomorrow. Tonight I don’t think I could do it justice. Not after… uh… what we just did. And I’d like our first shower together to be… ermmm… memorable.”
Elijah grinned at him and clambered out of bed. He ran his hand over Sean’s belly and chest, then rubbed his fingers together and winked. “I’ll save you some hot water.” He pointed toward the linen closet. “Sheets are in that cupboard there.” He kissed Sean’s cheek and wandered toward the bathroom.
Sean pulled the soiled sheets from the bed in a semi-stupor. It only took him a second to grab bedding from the cupboard and begin to remake the bed. The clean sheets were cool against his fingers, but he barely noticed what he was doing. His mind was spinning… thoughts reeling through it like whirlwind. ‘We’re lovers!’ he thought breathlessly. ‘He’s my lover!’ Then… like the crack of a whip, another thought hit him causing him to stop in mid-motion. ‘I’ve just cheated on my wife.’
Sean fell into a chair by the side of the bed, refusing to lie down until he’d showered. He ruthlessly examined his feelings, searching for regret or feelings of guilt… and breathed a sigh of relief when these feelings did not emerge. Sadness… yes. In spite of the joy he felt in his reunion with Elijah and the incredible ecstasy of their union, he still felt the sadness of this morning’s events with Chris.
He heard Elijah moving around in the bathroom and turned his head to watch the door, eager to see him emerge. ‘I didn’t know love could be like this,’ Sean thought. He knew they had a long way to go. He knew that it could be a long time before their life together truly began. But Sean also knew that this was where the passion of his life would be spent.
Elijah smiled as he walked back into the bedroom, and Sean instantly rose and moved to meet him.
The final story in this series is here: Redemption.
As time goes on
I realize
Just what you mean
To me
And now
Now that you’re near
Promise your love
That I’ve waited to share
And dreams
Of our moments together
Color my world with hope of loving you
Colour My World - Chicago
- end -