Seven Stages of Grief: Stage Six
6. Reconstruction and Working Through
Kiseop sat down on the old couch and looked around the room that was starting to become familiar to him. Toys were balanced on the shelves that lined the plain white walls, for the troubled kids that came here. He’d been caught staring at them and the counselor explained without his asking that they were to help express things that were hard to express with words, that he could use them if he wanted even though it felt silly playing with dolls and stuffed animals. That he could do whatever he liked because the meetings were confidential unless the things he talked about implied that he was in danger, or someone else in danger - not that he talked. The counselor he allowed his manager to get for him sat across the room in her own chair. She smiled at him as he walked in and he ignored it, like he always did. It’s not that he had anything against the woman, it was just that he didn’t need her.
Didn’t need her. So why was he here? Because his members wanted him to be, because his family wanted him to be, because his manager wanted him to be. He should be done with the whole Soohyun thing. He wanted to be done. His “being done” lasted about a week before everyone jumped on him, figuring that he really wasn’t done and was just hiding the fact that he was still oh-so-depressed. All their worrying and his annoyance at all their worrying was making him sarcastic. His counselor - what was her name again? - didn’t deserve the silent treatment he gave her, but that wasn’t stopping him from giving it.
She flipped open her spiral bound notebook. The cover was black, just like her hair. Just like Kiseop’s mood whenever he walked into this place. She writes in the notebook every time they meet, even though he keeps his mouth shut the whole time, so what is there to write? The silence is something she tries to break him out of each session, but so far Kiseop hasn’t budged. If it annoyed her, she didn’t let it show. Maybe she saw this all the time, and he was just like all the other stubborn people she’d met up with.
“So, let’s get started, shall we?” she began, and flashed another smile. Kiseop just sat there. Maybe it was childish to shut up like that, and he would certainly be done with all these sessions if he would just talk, but since it’s been three times since they first met and he’d already established that he wasn’t going to speak, opening his mouth now would feel like losing - even though there was no competition.
“How has your day been?” she asked. She would always start off by asking how he’s been lately or what he did at his schedules. Kiseop’s eyes took interest in a weird looking rock on the desk next to her chair and settled in for another hour of boredom. She scribbled something down in her notebook - and really, what did she have to write? She always did this. She was probably just trying to look busy, to avoid the awkward silence that followed after every question she asked.
The rock was one of those gross-on-the-outside-priceless-on-the-inside rocks. The surface was grey and dull, while purple whatever it’s called sparkled inside.The counselor - what was her name again? - noticed him studying the rock. She picked it up and glanced up at Kiseop.
“This rock symbolizes you, in a way,” she said, turning the stone in her hands.
I’m ugly? Kiseop wondered. He almost slipped up, almost said it out loud, but he caught himself just in time.
“On the outside, you seem bleak and unhappy.”
Do I really.
“However, on the inside, I’m sure there’s much beauty to be discovered. If you would just open up like the rock has, these meetings would go a lot easier. I’d love to have a two-sided conversation, you know. And if seeing me is what’s making you stay stubbornly quiet, then talking and getting things done would get you out of here a lot quicker. You’re here for a reason, and I’m just doing my job,” she told him.
Is this just some kind of trick to get me to talk? Flattering me or whatever it is you’re doing? I’m not here for a reason, and there’s a good chance you’re doing it because my manager’s paying you more than you usually earn. And besides. There's no beauty to "discover." There's nothing wrong with me.
The rest of their meeting went as it always did. She asked about Soohyun, he answered with silence. She asked about the ladders up his wrist, he stared down a glass figurine sitting on a wooden shelf in the corner.
But as much as he’d rather have ignored what she said, her words struck a chord. Getting out of here is all he wants. Maybe it was stupid to shut up in the first place. Great. Kiseop hated being wrong - well, who didn’t? Maybe next time, he’ll open up.
*****
The manager waited in their black van right in front of the door. Kiseop got in and they didn’t talk the entire way home - Kiseop didn’t really know why they were like this. Most of the time, their manager seems happy to see him. He looked out the window, watched houses and cars and people race by. He pouted because his stupid counselor was right about talking and not talking and everything else.
They got home within five minutes - it’s a good thing they live close. When he walked in the door, Kevin was the first to dash to his side.
“How’d it go?” he asked, winding a thin arm around Kiseop’s waist.
“Good,” Kiseop answered, the usual answer. From the glance AJ sent him, Kiseop could tell his eyes probably said otherwise but Kevin bought it anyways. The prettiest hands on earth took his and Kevin dragged him to the couch, where the rest of the members sat down and they all watched TV together. Kiseop didn’t even know why he had to see this damn counselor. He’s fine. He’ll get it all straightened out tomorrow, he’ll lie if he has to, he’ll do whatever it takes to stop seeing this woman because she’s only wasting her time.
****
He was back on the couch, she was back in her chair, and the notebook was back in her hand. The rock next to her was now accompanied by a few others, and Kiseop wondered if she put them there because of him.
“Are you going to talk today?” she asked, notebook at the fucking ready. Kiseop almost shrugged, but he caught himself. Why he didn’t just say yes, it was probably just his oh-so-rebellious spirit kicking in.
She asked about Soohyun again.
She asked about himself again.
She even asked about the other members.
Kiseop started to realize that the reason he wasn’t talking was because he had nothing to say. It took him until the end of the hour to open his mouth.
“Look, lady,” (God, what is her name?) he began. “I don’t need your help.”
“Don’t you?” she asked, and did this weird eyebrow thing that probably meant she’d heard this before.
“I’m perfectly fine, okay?”
“Then why are you here?”
“Because my manager made me. You probably wouldn’t know what having a manger is like. It can get pretty annoying, and it’s annoying me now, because there’s nothing wrong with me. I’m fine. All you’re doing is stirring things up that are better left settled, and if you keep blabbing on about Soohyun and his death and everything, I’m not gonna be fine anymore. So let’s just have our last meeting here, okay?”
She paused for a moment, and didn’t say anything. Then she started writing.
“Dude, what do you write in that notebook? What is there to write?”
“I’m just writing notes about our conversations.”
“Most of our conversations were one-sided.”
She shrugged. Kiseop stared.
“If you really think you’re okay, I’ll talk it over with your manager.”
“Good. Thank you.”
She gave him a look, but said nothing. When he left, the car ride was same, Kevin was the same, and the show on TV was a rerun. He was still fine. Things were only going to go from better to best, now.
A/N: I have no idea what I’m doing, guise. No. Idea. I just wanna finish it. Naooooo.
A/N: I think my annoyance at being forced to see a counselor once may have leaked into this.
A/N: I’m almost done /keyboardsmash
A.N: First chaptered fic of mine, EVAR
A/N: And it’s almost done
A/N: I’m rambling
A/N: Six too many author’s notes
A/N: Seven now. I’ll just go write.
Kiseop sat down on the old couch and looked around the room that was starting to become familiar to him. Toys were balanced on the shelves that lined the plain white walls, for the troubled kids that came here. He’d been caught staring at them and the counselor explained without his asking that they were to help express things that were hard to express with words, that he could use them if he wanted even though it felt silly playing with dolls and stuffed animals. That he could do whatever he liked because the meetings were confidential unless the things he talked about implied that he was in danger, or someone else in danger - not that he talked. The counselor he allowed his manager to get for him sat across the room in her own chair. She smiled at him as he walked in and he ignored it, like he always did. It’s not that he had anything against the woman, it was just that he didn’t need her.
Didn’t need her. So why was he here? Because his members wanted him to be, because his family wanted him to be, because his manager wanted him to be. He should be done with the whole Soohyun thing. He wanted to be done. His “being done” lasted about a week before everyone jumped on him, figuring that he really wasn’t done and was just hiding the fact that he was still oh-so-depressed. All their worrying and his annoyance at all their worrying was making him sarcastic. His counselor - what was her name again? - didn’t deserve the silent treatment he gave her, but that wasn’t stopping him from giving it.
She flipped open her spiral bound notebook. The cover was black, just like her hair. Just like Kiseop’s mood whenever he walked into this place. She writes in the notebook every time they meet, even though he keeps his mouth shut the whole time, so what is there to write? The silence is something she tries to break him out of each session, but so far Kiseop hasn’t budged. If it annoyed her, she didn’t let it show. Maybe she saw this all the time, and he was just like all the other stubborn people she’d met up with.
“So, let’s get started, shall we?” she began, and flashed another smile. Kiseop just sat there. Maybe it was childish to shut up like that, and he would certainly be done with all these sessions if he would just talk, but since it’s been three times since they first met and he’d already established that he wasn’t going to speak, opening his mouth now would feel like losing - even though there was no competition.
“How has your day been?” she asked. She would always start off by asking how he’s been lately or what he did at his schedules. Kiseop’s eyes took interest in a weird looking rock on the desk next to her chair and settled in for another hour of boredom. She scribbled something down in her notebook - and really, what did she have to write? She always did this. She was probably just trying to look busy, to avoid the awkward silence that followed after every question she asked.
The rock was one of those gross-on-the-outside-priceless-on-the-inside rocks. The surface was grey and dull, while purple whatever it’s called sparkled inside.The counselor - what was her name again? - noticed him studying the rock. She picked it up and glanced up at Kiseop.
“This rock symbolizes you, in a way,” she said, turning the stone in her hands.
I’m ugly? Kiseop wondered. He almost slipped up, almost said it out loud, but he caught himself just in time.
“On the outside, you seem bleak and unhappy.”
Do I really.
“However, on the inside, I’m sure there’s much beauty to be discovered. If you would just open up like the rock has, these meetings would go a lot easier. I’d love to have a two-sided conversation, you know. And if seeing me is what’s making you stay stubbornly quiet, then talking and getting things done would get you out of here a lot quicker. You’re here for a reason, and I’m just doing my job,” she told him.
Is this just some kind of trick to get me to talk? Flattering me or whatever it is you’re doing? I’m not here for a reason, and there’s a good chance you’re doing it because my manager’s paying you more than you usually earn. And besides. There's no beauty to "discover." There's nothing wrong with me.
The rest of their meeting went as it always did. She asked about Soohyun, he answered with silence. She asked about the ladders up his wrist, he stared down a glass figurine sitting on a wooden shelf in the corner.
But as much as he’d rather have ignored what she said, her words struck a chord. Getting out of here is all he wants. Maybe it was stupid to shut up in the first place. Great. Kiseop hated being wrong - well, who didn’t? Maybe next time, he’ll open up.
*****
The manager waited in their black van right in front of the door. Kiseop got in and they didn’t talk the entire way home - Kiseop didn’t really know why they were like this. Most of the time, their manager seems happy to see him. He looked out the window, watched houses and cars and people race by. He pouted because his stupid counselor was right about talking and not talking and everything else.
They got home within five minutes - it’s a good thing they live close. When he walked in the door, Kevin was the first to dash to his side.
“How’d it go?” he asked, winding a thin arm around Kiseop’s waist.
“Good,” Kiseop answered, the usual answer. From the glance AJ sent him, Kiseop could tell his eyes probably said otherwise but Kevin bought it anyways. The prettiest hands on earth took his and Kevin dragged him to the couch, where the rest of the members sat down and they all watched TV together. Kiseop didn’t even know why he had to see this damn counselor. He’s fine. He’ll get it all straightened out tomorrow, he’ll lie if he has to, he’ll do whatever it takes to stop seeing this woman because she’s only wasting her time.
****
He was back on the couch, she was back in her chair, and the notebook was back in her hand. The rock next to her was now accompanied by a few others, and Kiseop wondered if she put them there because of him.
“Are you going to talk today?” she asked, notebook at the fucking ready. Kiseop almost shrugged, but he caught himself. Why he didn’t just say yes, it was probably just his oh-so-rebellious spirit kicking in.
She asked about Soohyun again.
She asked about himself again.
She even asked about the other members.
Kiseop started to realize that the reason he wasn’t talking was because he had nothing to say. It took him until the end of the hour to open his mouth.
“Look, lady,” (God, what is her name?) he began. “I don’t need your help.”
“Don’t you?” she asked, and did this weird eyebrow thing that probably meant she’d heard this before.
“I’m perfectly fine, okay?”
“Then why are you here?”
“Because my manager made me. You probably wouldn’t know what having a manger is like. It can get pretty annoying, and it’s annoying me now, because there’s nothing wrong with me. I’m fine. All you’re doing is stirring things up that are better left settled, and if you keep blabbing on about Soohyun and his death and everything, I’m not gonna be fine anymore. So let’s just have our last meeting here, okay?”
She paused for a moment, and didn’t say anything. Then she started writing.
“Dude, what do you write in that notebook? What is there to write?”
“I’m just writing notes about our conversations.”
“Most of our conversations were one-sided.”
She shrugged. Kiseop stared.
“If you really think you’re okay, I’ll talk it over with your manager.”
“Good. Thank you.”
She gave him a look, but said nothing. When he left, the car ride was same, Kevin was the same, and the show on TV was a rerun. He was still fine. Things were only going to go from better to best, now.
A/N: I have no idea what I’m doing, guise. No. Idea. I just wanna finish it. Naooooo.
A/N: I think my annoyance at being forced to see a counselor once may have leaked into this.
A/N: I’m almost done /keyboardsmash
A.N: First chaptered fic of mine, EVAR
A/N: And it’s almost done
A/N: I’m rambling
A/N: Six too many author’s notes
A/N: Seven now. I’ll just go write.