and now for something completely random
So we're reading the Lais in Medieval Lit, and I always perk up when King Arthur gets mentioned. This is the gist of one of the lais, pretty much Arthurian legend fanfic of the middle ages. I just really really hope it doesn't turn into an episode of Merlin.
Once upon a time Arthur was dishing out presents to his lords and knights and good friends and he totally forgot about Sir Lanval, which isn't surprising because no one has ever even heard of Lanval before, but the dude takes offense. But since it's KING ARTHUR, and Lanval's just being kind of bitchy and whiny and would much rather go pout by the embankment of convenient Emo River, that's what he does instead of bringing the matter up to Arthur like, "Hey, um, heeeey, you know all those gifts you've been dishing out? Land and money and um, yeah, maybe mine just got lost in the mail..."
Being Arthurian legend, this happens to be the river home of some nymphs who are like, "You know who likes emo whiny bitches?"
And Lanval's like, "I know I shalt be forever alone, no need to rubeth it in."
And they're like, "Um, no, actually, we've got a friend, you seem just her type," and they bring him to meet her. They must not like thier friend very much.
So anyway, Lanval is predictably smitten by her beauty and professes his never ending love for her on the spot, and she's like, "Bitch, I already know I'm fabulous. We're gonna need to set some ground rules." And Lanval is hardly thinking with his upstairs brain by now but the rules don't seem so bad: 1) Don't talk about fight club her, and 2) Do not talk about fight club her, and 3) be forever faithful. In exchange he gets all the sexytimes he could ever ask for, all he has to do is call her name.
This works really well for him until it doesn't. One day, Guinevere is wandering around the castle and she sees Lanval and thinks to herself HOT DAMN, I'MMA GET ME SUMMA THAT. (Yeah, I was surprised too, but most of my knowledge of Arthurian myth is Camelot: the musical and the odd story here and there. Apparently ye olde medieval writers had a bit of a hater boner for Guinevere, and cast her as the Morgana evil slut more often than not. Idek.)
But Lanval is like NO, NO THANKS, NOPE, I'VE READ THIS STORY BEFORE, and Guinevere gets SO MAD she calls him a homosexual paedophiling eunuch (yeeeeeeeaaaaaaaah). Well that stings, so Lanval retaliates, right, calling Guinevere all the bad names and saying he TOTALLY HAS A GIRLFRIEND, AND SHE'S SO HOT, SHE'S LIKE A MODEL, REALLY. And he storms off.
Well of course he's broken rules one and two of fight club, so now he has no girlfriend. As an added bonus, Guinevere is the fucking queen, she's not just going to let this go, so of course she tells Arthur that Lanval tried to play hide the trouser snake with her and what the hell is Arthur going to do about it?
And Arthur goes, "...Who? OH SHIT, LANVAL, KNEW I FORGOT SOMEONE, I WAS SUPPOSED TO GIVE HIM PRESENTS."
Yes. Really.
So Arthur goes and finds Lanval, who is weeping silently in a corner listening to Evanescence and cutting himself, and Arthur goes, "Hey, buddy, why don't we throw you a wedding? I bet you we can find your girlfriend nymph type ladypal if you go hang out by the emo stream again."
SO HE DOES. HE GETS BACK HIS GIRL, THEY THROW A WEDDING AT THE PALACE, SLAPPING GUINEVERE IN THE FACE SEVERAL TIMES IN THE PROCESS BY CALLING THIS LADY THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN EVER SEEN IN CAMELOT, AND THEN LANVAL AND HIS WIFE FUCK OFF TO AVALON NEVER TO BE HEARD FROM AGAIN.
...THE END.
The moral of the story is: French poets with grudges against empowered women should never write fanfiction. Also, bros before hos. Literally.
This has been a half-assed retelling of a story I was barely paying attention to in the first place. ...As you were.
Once upon a time Arthur was dishing out presents to his lords and knights and good friends and he totally forgot about Sir Lanval, which isn't surprising because no one has ever even heard of Lanval before, but the dude takes offense. But since it's KING ARTHUR, and Lanval's just being kind of bitchy and whiny and would much rather go pout by the embankment of convenient Emo River, that's what he does instead of bringing the matter up to Arthur like, "Hey, um, heeeey, you know all those gifts you've been dishing out? Land and money and um, yeah, maybe mine just got lost in the mail..."
Being Arthurian legend, this happens to be the river home of some nymphs who are like, "You know who likes emo whiny bitches?"
And Lanval's like, "I know I shalt be forever alone, no need to rubeth it in."
And they're like, "Um, no, actually, we've got a friend, you seem just her type," and they bring him to meet her. They must not like thier friend very much.
So anyway, Lanval is predictably smitten by her beauty and professes his never ending love for her on the spot, and she's like, "Bitch, I already know I'm fabulous. We're gonna need to set some ground rules." And Lanval is hardly thinking with his upstairs brain by now but the rules don't seem so bad: 1) Don't talk about fight club her, and 2) Do not talk about fight club her, and 3) be forever faithful. In exchange he gets all the sexytimes he could ever ask for, all he has to do is call her name.
This works really well for him until it doesn't. One day, Guinevere is wandering around the castle and she sees Lanval and thinks to herself HOT DAMN, I'MMA GET ME SUMMA THAT. (Yeah, I was surprised too, but most of my knowledge of Arthurian myth is Camelot: the musical and the odd story here and there. Apparently ye olde medieval writers had a bit of a hater boner for Guinevere, and cast her as the Morgana evil slut more often than not. Idek.)
But Lanval is like NO, NO THANKS, NOPE, I'VE READ THIS STORY BEFORE, and Guinevere gets SO MAD she calls him a homosexual paedophiling eunuch (yeeeeeeeaaaaaaaah). Well that stings, so Lanval retaliates, right, calling Guinevere all the bad names and saying he TOTALLY HAS A GIRLFRIEND, AND SHE'S SO HOT, SHE'S LIKE A MODEL, REALLY. And he storms off.
Well of course he's broken rules one and two of fight club, so now he has no girlfriend. As an added bonus, Guinevere is the fucking queen, she's not just going to let this go, so of course she tells Arthur that Lanval tried to play hide the trouser snake with her and what the hell is Arthur going to do about it?
And Arthur goes, "...Who? OH SHIT, LANVAL, KNEW I FORGOT SOMEONE, I WAS SUPPOSED TO GIVE HIM PRESENTS."
Yes. Really.
So Arthur goes and finds Lanval, who is weeping silently in a corner listening to Evanescence and cutting himself, and Arthur goes, "Hey, buddy, why don't we throw you a wedding? I bet you we can find your girlfriend nymph type ladypal if you go hang out by the emo stream again."
SO HE DOES. HE GETS BACK HIS GIRL, THEY THROW A WEDDING AT THE PALACE, SLAPPING GUINEVERE IN THE FACE SEVERAL TIMES IN THE PROCESS BY CALLING THIS LADY THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN EVER SEEN IN CAMELOT, AND THEN LANVAL AND HIS WIFE FUCK OFF TO AVALON NEVER TO BE HEARD FROM AGAIN.
...THE END.
The moral of the story is: French poets with grudges against empowered women should never write fanfiction. Also, bros before hos. Literally.
This has been a half-assed retelling of a story I was barely paying attention to in the first place. ...As you were.