Savin/Mari Fic -- You Don't Wanna Know (Sequel to Firsts)
I don’t know long I stay in the bathroom, trying to collect myself. How -- I can’t believe I fucking cheated on Mari. Worse, I can’t believe how good it felt -- Christ, can I really blame Egan’s seduction powers for that? As much as I want to, I don’t think I can.
I’m still shaking as I push my glasses up the bridge of my nose and exit the bathroom. I move slowly, feeling fucking queasy because -- I don’t even want to think about what I did. Glancing at my phone, I notice I’m supposed to meet Mari in half an hour, but -- I just can’t. She’ll understand if I miss one day, right? I’d tell her I have homework, but she helps me with my homework.
Still, I shoot her a text saying “something came up.” Too bad the thing that "came up" shouldn't have done it over anyone but Mari. My hands shake as I type, and they don’t stop shaking as I head home. Christ, what am I supposed to do? The seduction powers shouldn’t have worked. But they fucking did.
My chest feels tight as I turn my apartment key in the lock. I hope my dad isn’t home; I totally don’t want to deal with him right now. Luckily, he’s not home. As nonchalantly as I can, I make my way to my room. Gotta do something to distract myself -- just can’t think about that right now. Can’t fucking think about how Egan’s hand felt around my -- I am not getting hard again.
A knock on my door snaps me out of it. My heart leaps into my chest at the sound. I totally ignore the knocking -- until I hear the voice travel through the door. “Savin, honey? Weren’t you supposed to see Mari today? Is everything alright?” Christ, it’s my mom.
“I’m fine, Mom,” I shout through the door. My hands are shaking again -- at least she can’t see that.
“Are you sure, sweetie?” she asks, sounding concerned.
“I’m -- I’m s-sure,” I say. My voice fucking cracks. I totally don’t sound fine. Great.
“Oh, honey,” Mom murmurs as she opens the door. Guess she didn’t buy my lie. Christ, I don’t want to fucking talk about this.
I avoid her eyes as I push my glasses up the bridge of my nose, hoping she can’t see how my hands are shaking. She can tell something’s wrong because she sits down on the bed beside me. Mom puts an arm around me, and I can’t fucking help leaning my head on her shoulder. I -- don’t want to talk about this.
Totally don’t want to start crying, either. I do that, anyway, and my body shakes as I start sobbing. Mom pulls me into a hug. I let her, unable to stop the fucking tears.
“Did something happen at school?” she murmurs.
I don’t say anything -- just keep fucking crying for I don’t know how long. Mom doesn’t push -- not yet. Finally, I get myself under control enough to stop crying. “The -- you know the god kids, right?” I manage. Can’t say any more than that.
“I know them,” Mom mutters darkly, tightening her arms around me.
“They -- one of them...” It’s almost too hard to go on. “One of them -- made me his target,” I choke out.
“Oh, honey -- the powers worked on you, didn’t they?” she says. Mom pats my back, and I might fucking break down all over again.
“Y-yeah,” I mutter, “they worked -- even though I’m with Mari.” That physically hurts, a fucking stabbing in my chest.. “I’m...” I need to say it, but I can’t.
Mom totally knows what I mean, too. “You’re not in love with her, are you?” she says.
“I’m -- I’m not,” I groan. My body starts shaking all over again.
“I’m so sorry, sweetie. What a terrible way to realize how things were with Mari,” she murmurs. Mom pauses. “Do you even like boys that way?”
I feel my eyes widen and my face burn. Do I what? After a long fucking moment, I mutter, “I do.”
She hugs me even tighter. “You’re gay?” she asks.
I shake my head. “I’m bi, actually. I like girls, too -- just not Mari.”
“You need to tell her, you know,” Mom murmurs. “You owe her that much.”
I pull out of the hug. Yeah, I totally know that. Christ, that doesn’t make it fucking easy. I push my glasses up the bridge of my nose and say, “I know, Mom.”
She looks me right in the eye. “It will only get harder the longer you wait.”
Yeah, I totally know that, too. Doesn’t mean I’m just gonna fucking call Mari and tell her I’m not in love with her.
“I’ll tell Mari everything next time I see her,” I sigh. Mom doesn’t have to know I don’t plan on seeing her anytime soon.
She gets up from the bed. “Alright, honey. As long as you actually remember to see her.”
I nod because I don’t fucking trust myself to speak. Mom reaches the door to my room and puts her hand on the doorknob. She turns to look at me. “If you need to get tested for anything, let me know. I’ll make sure not to tell your father,” she says.
My face burns as she exits and leaves me alone to think about what I fucking did.
* * *
I can’t fucking believe this -- Mari won’t stop calling and texting me. Sure, it’s been over a fucking week since I’ve so much as said hi to her. But this is totally over the top. Ignoring her doesn’t seem to be working, so I shoot her a text saying I’ve had “family problems.” Does your mom asking if you need testing count as a fucking “family problem?”
My phone beeps -- it’s another text from Mari. What kind of family problems? it says. Of fucking course she would want to know. Like hell I’m gonna tell her what that really means. I put my phone on silent and open my AP Calc textbook. I’ve got a fucking test tomorrow, and I’m not nearly prepared enough.
Dad will kill me if I don’t get a good grade on it, too. Hell, I’ll kill me if I don’t get a good grade on it -- can’t get into med school with a fucking B average. Too bad Mari is the one who helped me with AP Calc stuff.
Even though my phone’s on fucking silent, I feel it vibrate with yet another text. Again, it’s from Mari. What’s going on, Savin? it reads. You don’t wanna know, Mari. And I’m not gonna fucking tell you.
I try to concentrate on my AP Calc problem sets, and I can’t. It takes me a hell of a lot longer to do each problem than it should -- I’m not doing anywhere near well enough to get an A on tomorrow’s test. And I totally need that fucking A.
The doorbell, of all things, interrupts my frustrated practice. Now who is gonna be coming over on a Sunday night? I ignore it and go back to my work, figuring it can’t be anybody I would want to see.
“Do you want to go see who that is, Savin? We’re not expecting company,” Mom calls out.
We’re not? It’s gotta be some door-to-door salesperson or something. I totally don’t wanna deal with it, but it’s not like I can concentrate on AP Calc, either. Maybe a break would help?
“Sure, Mom,” I shout. “I’ll get it.” Sighing, I push my glasses up the bridge of my nose and get up from the bed. I hope this won’t take very long. I really do need to study.
When I get to the door and see who’s there, my stomach sinks to my feet.
It’s Mari.
And she totally doesn’t look happy. She’s wearing an expression I recognize all too well -- it means she won’t stop until she gets what she wants. I know what she wants now -- answers -- and I do not want to give them to her. Still, I know Mari’s not exactly going to go away anytime soon, so I sigh and open the door, letting her into the apartment.
“You’ve been ignoring me,” she states flatly, one hand on her hip.
My chest tightens when she speaks. I’ve been ignoring her for a good fucking reason -- she does not want to know what it is. I say, “How did you even get past the doorman?” That was totally smooth.
Mari narrows her eyes. “The doorman knows me, Savin. So what are these ‘family problems’ that are so dire you can’t even tell me about them?”
I push my glasses up the bridge of my nose, trying to ignore how my hands are shaking. “It’s -- they’re not things I want to talk about, Mari.”
“I’m your girlfriend. You can talk to me about anything,” Mari says, her eyes now showing concern I don’t deserve. I can’t exactly talk to her about how I cheated because I’m not really in love.
“Let’s go to my room, okay?” I sigh. I totally have to do this now, don’t I?
Looking slightly confused, Mari nods. “Alright, Savin.”
We walk side by side in tense silence as we head to my room. When we get there, I sit down on my bed. Mari sits beside me, and I can’t help inching away from her, just a bit. She tries to put a hand on my shoulder, but I brush it away.
Mari wrinkles her forehead in confusion. “What is up with you? You’re acting really weird.”
“I’m not acting weird -- why would I be acting weird?” I mutter, crossing my arms over my chest.
She actually rolls her eyes. “I don’t know why, but you obviously are.”
“I am not,” I huff, glaring at her.
“Yeah, you are. And I want to know why. Don’t you trust me?” Mari gazes at me levelly. I flinch, unable to bear looking into her eyes.
“I -- I do trust you, Mari, but --” I pause, feeling my eyes sting. Oh god, you don’t know much I don’t want to do this. My chest tightens, and I can’t go on.
Mari leans forward. She prompts, “But...?”
I sigh and pinch the bridge of my nose. I can’t -- but I fucking have to. “I don’t...love you,” I manage, my voice cracking.
“What,” she says, her voice flat. Mari’s face goes totally blank as she stares at me like she doesn’t even fucking see me.
“Do I have to say it again?” I mutter. “Don’t make me fucking say it again.” I don’t even think I can. It hurt enough the first time.
“You’re...serious?” she asks. The blankness on her face becomes actual hurt, and that fucking hurts me. I can only nod my head.
“Why?” Mari whimpers. “What made you --?”
“I don’t know why,” I admit. I fucking don’t. But I do know the how. I push my glasses up the bridge of my nose. How can I tell the girl I thought I loved that I fell prey to Egan’s fucking seduction powers? “I -- you know about the gods and their -- powers, right? One of the gods made me his target, and I -- totally fell for it,” I mutter, bitterness creeping into my voice.
Mari’s eyes fill with tears. “You -- it shouldn’t have worked on you!” she cries.
“Exactly,” I sigh. “But it did. So -- that’s how I know.”
She gets up from the bed. “I -- I gotta go. I'll talk to you later, Savin, okay?” With that, Mari leaves my room. I don’t follow her.
I totally don’t know what to fucking do. I open my AP Calc textbook again and start on the next problem. Before I can so much as begin to really solve it, my mom comes into the room. “I’m busy,” I mutter.
Mom sits down next to me, even though I told her I was busy. “You’re not so busy you can’t talk to me about it,” she murmurs.
“I’m -- I’m f-fine,” I say as my eyes sting. I do not want to start fucking crying right now. I have studying to do.
She puts her arm around me. “Oh honey, you’re not fine. You told her, didn’t you?”
I lean my head on her shoulder. I don’t start crying -- yet. “Yeah, I told her everything.”
“And what did Mari do?” Mom asks.
“She left. Mari said she would talk to me later. I’m not exactly looking forward to that, either,” I mutter. That’s it -- I can’t contain it anymore and start crying, my whole body shaking with the sobs.
Mom hugs me tightly. “You did the right thing by telling her,” she murmurs.
As comforting as I wish her words could be, it totally doesn’t fucking help, right now.
I’m still shaking as I push my glasses up the bridge of my nose and exit the bathroom. I move slowly, feeling fucking queasy because -- I don’t even want to think about what I did. Glancing at my phone, I notice I’m supposed to meet Mari in half an hour, but -- I just can’t. She’ll understand if I miss one day, right? I’d tell her I have homework, but she helps me with my homework.
Still, I shoot her a text saying “something came up.” Too bad the thing that "came up" shouldn't have done it over anyone but Mari. My hands shake as I type, and they don’t stop shaking as I head home. Christ, what am I supposed to do? The seduction powers shouldn’t have worked. But they fucking did.
My chest feels tight as I turn my apartment key in the lock. I hope my dad isn’t home; I totally don’t want to deal with him right now. Luckily, he’s not home. As nonchalantly as I can, I make my way to my room. Gotta do something to distract myself -- just can’t think about that right now. Can’t fucking think about how Egan’s hand felt around my -- I am not getting hard again.
A knock on my door snaps me out of it. My heart leaps into my chest at the sound. I totally ignore the knocking -- until I hear the voice travel through the door. “Savin, honey? Weren’t you supposed to see Mari today? Is everything alright?” Christ, it’s my mom.
“I’m fine, Mom,” I shout through the door. My hands are shaking again -- at least she can’t see that.
“Are you sure, sweetie?” she asks, sounding concerned.
“I’m -- I’m s-sure,” I say. My voice fucking cracks. I totally don’t sound fine. Great.
“Oh, honey,” Mom murmurs as she opens the door. Guess she didn’t buy my lie. Christ, I don’t want to fucking talk about this.
I avoid her eyes as I push my glasses up the bridge of my nose, hoping she can’t see how my hands are shaking. She can tell something’s wrong because she sits down on the bed beside me. Mom puts an arm around me, and I can’t fucking help leaning my head on her shoulder. I -- don’t want to talk about this.
Totally don’t want to start crying, either. I do that, anyway, and my body shakes as I start sobbing. Mom pulls me into a hug. I let her, unable to stop the fucking tears.
“Did something happen at school?” she murmurs.
I don’t say anything -- just keep fucking crying for I don’t know how long. Mom doesn’t push -- not yet. Finally, I get myself under control enough to stop crying. “The -- you know the god kids, right?” I manage. Can’t say any more than that.
“I know them,” Mom mutters darkly, tightening her arms around me.
“They -- one of them...” It’s almost too hard to go on. “One of them -- made me his target,” I choke out.
“Oh, honey -- the powers worked on you, didn’t they?” she says. Mom pats my back, and I might fucking break down all over again.
“Y-yeah,” I mutter, “they worked -- even though I’m with Mari.” That physically hurts, a fucking stabbing in my chest.. “I’m...” I need to say it, but I can’t.
Mom totally knows what I mean, too. “You’re not in love with her, are you?” she says.
“I’m -- I’m not,” I groan. My body starts shaking all over again.
“I’m so sorry, sweetie. What a terrible way to realize how things were with Mari,” she murmurs. Mom pauses. “Do you even like boys that way?”
I feel my eyes widen and my face burn. Do I what? After a long fucking moment, I mutter, “I do.”
She hugs me even tighter. “You’re gay?” she asks.
I shake my head. “I’m bi, actually. I like girls, too -- just not Mari.”
“You need to tell her, you know,” Mom murmurs. “You owe her that much.”
I pull out of the hug. Yeah, I totally know that. Christ, that doesn’t make it fucking easy. I push my glasses up the bridge of my nose and say, “I know, Mom.”
She looks me right in the eye. “It will only get harder the longer you wait.”
Yeah, I totally know that, too. Doesn’t mean I’m just gonna fucking call Mari and tell her I’m not in love with her.
“I’ll tell Mari everything next time I see her,” I sigh. Mom doesn’t have to know I don’t plan on seeing her anytime soon.
She gets up from the bed. “Alright, honey. As long as you actually remember to see her.”
I nod because I don’t fucking trust myself to speak. Mom reaches the door to my room and puts her hand on the doorknob. She turns to look at me. “If you need to get tested for anything, let me know. I’ll make sure not to tell your father,” she says.
My face burns as she exits and leaves me alone to think about what I fucking did.
* * *
I can’t fucking believe this -- Mari won’t stop calling and texting me. Sure, it’s been over a fucking week since I’ve so much as said hi to her. But this is totally over the top. Ignoring her doesn’t seem to be working, so I shoot her a text saying I’ve had “family problems.” Does your mom asking if you need testing count as a fucking “family problem?”
My phone beeps -- it’s another text from Mari. What kind of family problems? it says. Of fucking course she would want to know. Like hell I’m gonna tell her what that really means. I put my phone on silent and open my AP Calc textbook. I’ve got a fucking test tomorrow, and I’m not nearly prepared enough.
Dad will kill me if I don’t get a good grade on it, too. Hell, I’ll kill me if I don’t get a good grade on it -- can’t get into med school with a fucking B average. Too bad Mari is the one who helped me with AP Calc stuff.
Even though my phone’s on fucking silent, I feel it vibrate with yet another text. Again, it’s from Mari. What’s going on, Savin? it reads. You don’t wanna know, Mari. And I’m not gonna fucking tell you.
I try to concentrate on my AP Calc problem sets, and I can’t. It takes me a hell of a lot longer to do each problem than it should -- I’m not doing anywhere near well enough to get an A on tomorrow’s test. And I totally need that fucking A.
The doorbell, of all things, interrupts my frustrated practice. Now who is gonna be coming over on a Sunday night? I ignore it and go back to my work, figuring it can’t be anybody I would want to see.
“Do you want to go see who that is, Savin? We’re not expecting company,” Mom calls out.
We’re not? It’s gotta be some door-to-door salesperson or something. I totally don’t wanna deal with it, but it’s not like I can concentrate on AP Calc, either. Maybe a break would help?
“Sure, Mom,” I shout. “I’ll get it.” Sighing, I push my glasses up the bridge of my nose and get up from the bed. I hope this won’t take very long. I really do need to study.
When I get to the door and see who’s there, my stomach sinks to my feet.
It’s Mari.
And she totally doesn’t look happy. She’s wearing an expression I recognize all too well -- it means she won’t stop until she gets what she wants. I know what she wants now -- answers -- and I do not want to give them to her. Still, I know Mari’s not exactly going to go away anytime soon, so I sigh and open the door, letting her into the apartment.
“You’ve been ignoring me,” she states flatly, one hand on her hip.
My chest tightens when she speaks. I’ve been ignoring her for a good fucking reason -- she does not want to know what it is. I say, “How did you even get past the doorman?” That was totally smooth.
Mari narrows her eyes. “The doorman knows me, Savin. So what are these ‘family problems’ that are so dire you can’t even tell me about them?”
I push my glasses up the bridge of my nose, trying to ignore how my hands are shaking. “It’s -- they’re not things I want to talk about, Mari.”
“I’m your girlfriend. You can talk to me about anything,” Mari says, her eyes now showing concern I don’t deserve. I can’t exactly talk to her about how I cheated because I’m not really in love.
“Let’s go to my room, okay?” I sigh. I totally have to do this now, don’t I?
Looking slightly confused, Mari nods. “Alright, Savin.”
We walk side by side in tense silence as we head to my room. When we get there, I sit down on my bed. Mari sits beside me, and I can’t help inching away from her, just a bit. She tries to put a hand on my shoulder, but I brush it away.
Mari wrinkles her forehead in confusion. “What is up with you? You’re acting really weird.”
“I’m not acting weird -- why would I be acting weird?” I mutter, crossing my arms over my chest.
She actually rolls her eyes. “I don’t know why, but you obviously are.”
“I am not,” I huff, glaring at her.
“Yeah, you are. And I want to know why. Don’t you trust me?” Mari gazes at me levelly. I flinch, unable to bear looking into her eyes.
“I -- I do trust you, Mari, but --” I pause, feeling my eyes sting. Oh god, you don’t know much I don’t want to do this. My chest tightens, and I can’t go on.
Mari leans forward. She prompts, “But...?”
I sigh and pinch the bridge of my nose. I can’t -- but I fucking have to. “I don’t...love you,” I manage, my voice cracking.
“What,” she says, her voice flat. Mari’s face goes totally blank as she stares at me like she doesn’t even fucking see me.
“Do I have to say it again?” I mutter. “Don’t make me fucking say it again.” I don’t even think I can. It hurt enough the first time.
“You’re...serious?” she asks. The blankness on her face becomes actual hurt, and that fucking hurts me. I can only nod my head.
“Why?” Mari whimpers. “What made you --?”
“I don’t know why,” I admit. I fucking don’t. But I do know the how. I push my glasses up the bridge of my nose. How can I tell the girl I thought I loved that I fell prey to Egan’s fucking seduction powers? “I -- you know about the gods and their -- powers, right? One of the gods made me his target, and I -- totally fell for it,” I mutter, bitterness creeping into my voice.
Mari’s eyes fill with tears. “You -- it shouldn’t have worked on you!” she cries.
“Exactly,” I sigh. “But it did. So -- that’s how I know.”
She gets up from the bed. “I -- I gotta go. I'll talk to you later, Savin, okay?” With that, Mari leaves my room. I don’t follow her.
I totally don’t know what to fucking do. I open my AP Calc textbook again and start on the next problem. Before I can so much as begin to really solve it, my mom comes into the room. “I’m busy,” I mutter.
Mom sits down next to me, even though I told her I was busy. “You’re not so busy you can’t talk to me about it,” she murmurs.
“I’m -- I’m f-fine,” I say as my eyes sting. I do not want to start fucking crying right now. I have studying to do.
She puts her arm around me. “Oh honey, you’re not fine. You told her, didn’t you?”
I lean my head on her shoulder. I don’t start crying -- yet. “Yeah, I told her everything.”
“And what did Mari do?” Mom asks.
“She left. Mari said she would talk to me later. I’m not exactly looking forward to that, either,” I mutter. That’s it -- I can’t contain it anymore and start crying, my whole body shaking with the sobs.
Mom hugs me tightly. “You did the right thing by telling her,” she murmurs.
As comforting as I wish her words could be, it totally doesn’t fucking help, right now.