I Know It's Bad When I Keep Running Hamlet Soliloquies Through My Mind

[qos]

"I have of late--but
wherefore I know not--lost all my mirth, forgone all
custom of exercises; and indeed it goes so heavily
with my disposition that this goodly frame, the
earth, seems to me a sterile promontory. . . For the past couple of months I've felt as if I've reached the "Acceptance" phase of my grieving for Lohain. His loss is no

Comments

[rebeccax]

Have you asked Lohain how he feels about the lack of joy in your life? What would he say if you found joy again?

[qos]

Yes, we've been talking about it, and he definitely wants me to have joy. It gives him no pleasure to see the woman he loves struggling to mind meaning and pleasure in life.

He's helping.

[rebeccax]

And WOW on the name change! Didn't see that coming. Mazel Tov.

[qos]

Thanks!

I've been casting around for a while -- a couple of months, actually. I'd been pondering going back to QoS, but that's never felt quite right. This name hit me this morning, during a conversation with Lohain.

[sharpchick]

We are always in a condition of becoming.

You are much better equipped now to handle grief and sadness that comes with all cycles than you were a couple of years ago. I have followed your journal and seen that even when you were the most down - even angry - you never got bitter. That is a HUGE thing.

Sometimes you have to just live life as if all of your dreams are coming true. . . often, little by little, you find that they are.

Sending light.

[qos]

Thank you for the affirmation. I've tried very hard to make this awful process one of growth and deepening, not disintegration. Times like these are very hard, because sometimes it feels like all the growth I've thought I was achieving was illusory. Intellectually I know it's not. . . but the dark hours aren't exactly prone to being illuminated by intellect.

[stucco33]

Slings and arrows notwithstanding, you are well advised by him to resist the refuge of slumber. For in that sleep of death, what dreams may come when we have shuffled off this mortal coil must give us pause. If you believe something of you remains after your mortal life, then surviving-- nay, thriving and dancing and soaking up the juice of this short life-- is your obvious better choice.

I'd reckon he'd be sad to see you give in to entropy now. After all, entropy's arrow only points one way. The dream you enter would begin with a sad note indeed.

Fight on. There is no other way.

[qos]

I know. . . and I really didn't mean "death" when I wrote about sleep -- although I should have been more careful about my word choice considering what I opened with!

Some days I just want to hibernate, then come back out when conditions are more favorable. But of course, hibernating like that only means things are even more urgent and stressful when you come back. I've been pushing gently. This will cycle and pass, and eventually come back again. . . and then I'll get through it again. . .

[stucco33]

Oh. Then never mind. :) On the positive side of this misunderstanding, I've started reading Hamlet again! It came after Julius Caesar in the Riverside Shakespeare, so I kind of drifted into it since the play was on my mind. (I was reading JC because I just finished Season 2 of Rome... oh so good...)