muse_shuffle | March Disc One
Track 02. The world won't turn until something breaks
Who will make the first last mistake?
Good things come to those who wait
But I can't wait
[‘Bruised’ - The Bens]
Co-written with straight2point
[Follows THIS]
Aiden was out in the hall as Harri pulled on all her clothes. She seemed to have suddenly lost all her energy, the act of getting dressed a lot harder than she remembered. All these designer clothes didn't seem to mean much in the face of a rice grain growing inside her. A fucking whatever-it-was sac. A bloody baby! Her run-in with Ali flitted through her mind and she remembered the other woman saying she'd been just like Harri.
The difference was that Harri hadn't fucked an ex. Marc was very much current, but was he still someone who would want a kid? Surely it would throw a spanner in his secret agent works? She wanted to call him again, but was worried about interfering with the machinery. Besides, she'd already left about ten messages. He'd be able to work out that it was important from that, right? Harri was never one to leave that many messages.
She sighed and ran her fingers through her hair, and buttoned up her pants before stepping into her shoes. Truth was, right now all she wanted was a pair of sweatpants and fluffy slippers. Even her beautiful Manalo Blahniks weren't enough to make her smile right now. "Fuck," she murmured as she walked over to the door and opened it. She blinked as she found Riley standing there, caught mid-knock. "Someone else waiting for the rice grain exam room?"
Riley shook his head. "No, I was just wondering if you were okay. Shock can do funny things to people. You wouldn't be the first woman to pass out cold in there before even getting a chance to call for help," he told her with a faint smile. "How are you feeling?" he asked, her file nestled under his arm.
Harri glanced past him to see if Aiden was nearby, but he must have disappeared to find a coffee, or the toilet. She had no idea how long it had actually taken her to get dressed. Harri moved back into the room and shrugged. "I don't think I'm about to pass out, but I don't... I'm not sure. I'm still trying to come to terms with the fact that there's a baby in there," she said as she poked at her stomach. "Well, a rice grain. I've never really though about children," she admitted.
"Don't think you're alone in that. It's not everyone's cup of tea, but on the other hand, you have people who are just made for it. It's a life changing thing and I won't sugar-coat here. You have a lot of very stressful and emotional decisions ahead of you. You've done the easy part," Riley said with a small, wry smile. "But I've also known a lot of people in your shoes who have gone on to be wonderful mothers. You'll find a link, but no one but you can do that."
Harri nodded, and tried to let it all sink in. "Marc... he needs to know. I haven't told him yet. It can't be all my decision. It shouldn't be all my decision." She wet her lips, and sat back down on the edge of the exam bed. At least she'd been able to pee finally. "Do you want children?" she asked suddenly. "Do you have children? I can't really remember."
"That will be one of the hardest conversations of your life," Riley warned, leaning against the wall near the sonogram equipment. "But I'm glad to hear you don't plan on keeping it a secret. It's not something you should do alone and it took two people to get you into this position." He shifted the file to his other hand, hesitating just a little before shaking his head. "No. No, I don't have kids. But I have always wanted them..."
Harri managed a smirk. "It really was a pretty good position... I don't think Marc would ever forgive me if I kept this from him. Secrets are... a sticking point." And Harri wanted to keep his trust. She wanted to keep being honest with him. She looked up at Riley. "Is it the HIV stopping you?"
Riley nodded. "Yeah, it's a little hard to conceive through a condom," he told her with a small smirk of his own. "Have you thought about what you're going to do if he doesn't take it well? Odds say that guys generally find this sort of unexpected news hard to process and they aren't in the unfortunate position of carrying the child. A mother can't just walk away and forget about it. Tragically, a guy can."
"There isn't any way for you to conceive? Never considered adoption, or a donor?" Harri shook her head. "I haven't even thought about what I'll do if he's the latter. I don't even know where I'm going to start. Besides tell him I'm carrying a sack of genetics that half belongs to him. I'm also not about to beg him to stay... if he wants to go, he can go. I don't need him... and I don't know if I need this rice grain, but I can't write it off just yet. I really have no idea what I'm going to do."
Riley put his hand up and scratched the back of his head. He shifted on the spot as the situation hit very close to home, but she was going through crap and it wasn't going to hurt for him to talk about it, was it? "Adoption or a donor is... I just feel like if I'm going to have a kid, I want it to be biologically mine. There are options, just very expensive and risky ones. It's... hard to face." He cleared his throat, his green eyes watching her closely. "Would you think about raising the baby yourself? I mean, I can tell you in a heartbeat Aiden and Pat wouldn't let you do it alone."
"I don't doubt that they would. Aiden's already said he'd have the kid for me if he could," she replied with a soft smile. "And yes, I would. It's just I need to actually be into the idea of having a kid. A child that's mine..." She looked up at him suddenly, her blue eyes locking with his green ones. "You're probably going to have to go through hell to have a kid of yours, and you probably think I'm about ready to get rid of my rice grain. Do you think I'm a horrible person?"
Riley averted his eyes, but only for the reason if he held her gaze, he might not hold onto his composure. It was a sensitive subject for him and talking about it was much akin to poking away at an exposed wound. Still, not talking about it put him firmly into denial again and that was dangerous for him. It didn't lead him down not very nice paths at all and had a domino effect on everyone around him. "I don't judge you, Harri. Not at all. We all have trials to face and we all make decisions for different reasons. I'm one of those that fall into the category of always having wanted a kid. My situation is actually very similar to yours, just the opposite side of the coin. I have to choose whether to risk having a child. You have to choose whether to risk keeping one."
Harri held up a hand and gave him an apologetic look. "I'm sorry, I didn't meant to get so personal. I shouldn't be asking... it's none of my business." She had always lacked a certain tact when it came to people, but she actually liked Riley. She didn't enjoy putting him on the spot. "I don't know if I could give up a child knowing that someone like you was so desperate for one... But I can't keep it if I don't feel anything for a child. I'm already calling it 'it'. I call it a rice grain instead of a baby. I just... I don't know. I need to talk to Marc."
"No, I'm sorry," Riley murmured. "It's a little ironic we've stumbled onto the subject because the last few days for me have been very much all-encompassed with discussions about fertility clinics and hard decisions. I shouldn't be letting my own business interfere with yours as my patient in any way. But if it's any consolation, I mean, Aiden and Pat are getting married. You're Aiden's closest friend. You're practically family and you can talk to me about anything you need. You'll have my complete confidence. You also can't let my situation affect decisions in yours. I'm not against pregnancy termination because I want kids myself. In fact, I support it. As a doctor, you tend to keep a level head with things like things. You do need to talk to your partner. I mean, I don't know him so I can't judge on that, but if he has any family values, this will affect him. He might just need time to process it, just like you will."
"Still a little hard to believe that Aiden's getting married, but I'm happy for him. I really am. I just seemed to have skipped a couple of steps somewhere. Jumped straight to a baby and forgotten the stuff in between. I don't even know if Marc is my partner. I should know that, shouldn't I?" Harri asked, a sudden moment of insecurity gripping her. "And I know your thoughts shouldn't affect mine, but talking to you... it's helping. I can't really seem to get my head straight when I'm left to my own thoughts. I've always been so sure in what I want. This is just so different."
Riley laughed a little. "I find it hard to believe Pat's getting married. We always sort of thought he would, but he was always like the cheerleader for the rest of us. I think Aiden stunned him, to be honest." He gestured with the file. "He knocked you up, he's your partner. You don't get to play with the ball without staying for the whole game. Whether he likes it or not, he's going to have to face this one way or another. It's different and it's huge. Massive. Hardest thing probably in your life you've faced, but you'll get through it. Luke's cousin is dating a girl in a similar position to you. She decided to keep the baby and probably wouldn't change that for the world, but it's hard. I've been told it's very worth all the shit, though."
"You mean Ali?" Harri asked quietly. "Aiden took himself by surprise, but he's ready. He really is. You have no idea how happy Pat makes him. It's been amazing to see." Harri scrunched her nose up. "I'm not a fucking ball. If you're going to use a metaphor don't use a sports one."
Riley held his hands up and pushed off the wall. "I'm just trying to help you understand," he told her quietly and wondering if the conversation had veered off into too personal. "Yeah, I meant Ali. Do you know her?"
"I know, I'm just... I've been letting men play with my... ball for free for years now. Marc's really only the second one I've ever wanted to stick around for the whole game." Harri stared at Riley before she managed to break out into a hoarse laughter. "Fuck, I hate sports metaphors. Yeah, she's... she's a friend of Marc's. We bumped into each other in a coffee shop. Literally. She said she had been exactly like me, and then she'd had her daughter. She was still worried she was a horrible mother and not built for it."
Riley pressed his lips together and then smiled. "Yeah, but you got my meaning right up without me needing to spell it out. Sports metaphors have their usage, no matter how corny." He raised his eyebrows. "Really? Your boyfriend is Ali's friend? I didn't realise that. I wouldn't panic about ending up just like Ali, either, though. Luke was telling me she has Post-Natal Depression due to a lot of horrific external factors. It's not a nice thing to live through, but she still adores her daughter. That's got to show you something."
Harri pressed her lips together as she looked down at the carpet. She knew all too well what those 'horrific external factors' were. And that Marc--James--had played a part in them. She couldn't let Riley know that though. "It does... but I still can't seem to comprehend that I have a life inside me. It's still just a rice grain. I know I'm probably not a candidate for Post-Natal Depression, but what if I carry the child to term and I still can't form an attachment? What if I miss that thing inside me that lets me be maternal?"
Riley smiled. "You will," he predicted. "You haven't run out of here yet. You're open to the conversation. It's already there in some form, however small. It can grow." He tilted his head a little. "Have you had much to do with babies?" he asked her.
Harri's eyebrows went up. "Fuck no..." She shook her head vehemently. "No, definitely not. Ali's child was the first one I've been near."
Riley bit on his lip for a moment and then nodded to the door. "Come with. I want you to meet my godson in the flesh," he told her with a small smile. "You can't make a decision about whether or not to keep a baby without experiencing one, even just briefly."
Harri's eyes went wide and she hesitated before standing up to follow him. "Are you sure?"
Riley smiled. "Of course I'm sure. Why wouldn't I be? I won't lie. It'll be confronting seeing him like that. He's hooked up to a few different things, but just to monitor him and make sure he's responding well to the treatment, but you should meet him. Despite what Tab thinks, he doesn't bite. He's... well, he's a miracle."
Harri blinked, not even considering that babies would bite until now. But it was stupid, they had no teeth. "Is Lachlan going to mind? I heard he was very protective of who was near his child."
"Tara or Lachlan, maybe both, will be there with him. Hopefully sleeping. I don't think you're going to bite his ears off or anything, are you? They won't mind. Don't forget, Pat's his godfather, too. You're practically an aunty," Riley told her, smiling. "It's just going to give you some food for thought to make sure any decision you make is with all the facts."
She shook her head, and smiled a little. "No, I'm not about to bite his ear off. I've already got a kid inside me, I don't feel like ingesting one. Aunty, huh? I guess I am..." It shocked her to discover that she really was becoming part of a family. It just made her want to contact Marc even more. He might not want to be a part of the scenario. Or he might, and she wouldn't know. "You're a very good doctor, Riley."
Riley was ready to open the door for her when he paused and smiled at her. "Thanks," he said quietly. "You don't know how much I need to hear that."
All muses referenced with permission and are part of the princeton2nyc universe
Word Count | 2,547
Who will make the first last mistake?
Good things come to those who wait
But I can't wait
[‘Bruised’ - The Bens]
Co-written with straight2point
[Follows THIS]
Aiden was out in the hall as Harri pulled on all her clothes. She seemed to have suddenly lost all her energy, the act of getting dressed a lot harder than she remembered. All these designer clothes didn't seem to mean much in the face of a rice grain growing inside her. A fucking whatever-it-was sac. A bloody baby! Her run-in with Ali flitted through her mind and she remembered the other woman saying she'd been just like Harri.
The difference was that Harri hadn't fucked an ex. Marc was very much current, but was he still someone who would want a kid? Surely it would throw a spanner in his secret agent works? She wanted to call him again, but was worried about interfering with the machinery. Besides, she'd already left about ten messages. He'd be able to work out that it was important from that, right? Harri was never one to leave that many messages.
She sighed and ran her fingers through her hair, and buttoned up her pants before stepping into her shoes. Truth was, right now all she wanted was a pair of sweatpants and fluffy slippers. Even her beautiful Manalo Blahniks weren't enough to make her smile right now. "Fuck," she murmured as she walked over to the door and opened it. She blinked as she found Riley standing there, caught mid-knock. "Someone else waiting for the rice grain exam room?"
Riley shook his head. "No, I was just wondering if you were okay. Shock can do funny things to people. You wouldn't be the first woman to pass out cold in there before even getting a chance to call for help," he told her with a faint smile. "How are you feeling?" he asked, her file nestled under his arm.
Harri glanced past him to see if Aiden was nearby, but he must have disappeared to find a coffee, or the toilet. She had no idea how long it had actually taken her to get dressed. Harri moved back into the room and shrugged. "I don't think I'm about to pass out, but I don't... I'm not sure. I'm still trying to come to terms with the fact that there's a baby in there," she said as she poked at her stomach. "Well, a rice grain. I've never really though about children," she admitted.
"Don't think you're alone in that. It's not everyone's cup of tea, but on the other hand, you have people who are just made for it. It's a life changing thing and I won't sugar-coat here. You have a lot of very stressful and emotional decisions ahead of you. You've done the easy part," Riley said with a small, wry smile. "But I've also known a lot of people in your shoes who have gone on to be wonderful mothers. You'll find a link, but no one but you can do that."
Harri nodded, and tried to let it all sink in. "Marc... he needs to know. I haven't told him yet. It can't be all my decision. It shouldn't be all my decision." She wet her lips, and sat back down on the edge of the exam bed. At least she'd been able to pee finally. "Do you want children?" she asked suddenly. "Do you have children? I can't really remember."
"That will be one of the hardest conversations of your life," Riley warned, leaning against the wall near the sonogram equipment. "But I'm glad to hear you don't plan on keeping it a secret. It's not something you should do alone and it took two people to get you into this position." He shifted the file to his other hand, hesitating just a little before shaking his head. "No. No, I don't have kids. But I have always wanted them..."
Harri managed a smirk. "It really was a pretty good position... I don't think Marc would ever forgive me if I kept this from him. Secrets are... a sticking point." And Harri wanted to keep his trust. She wanted to keep being honest with him. She looked up at Riley. "Is it the HIV stopping you?"
Riley nodded. "Yeah, it's a little hard to conceive through a condom," he told her with a small smirk of his own. "Have you thought about what you're going to do if he doesn't take it well? Odds say that guys generally find this sort of unexpected news hard to process and they aren't in the unfortunate position of carrying the child. A mother can't just walk away and forget about it. Tragically, a guy can."
"There isn't any way for you to conceive? Never considered adoption, or a donor?" Harri shook her head. "I haven't even thought about what I'll do if he's the latter. I don't even know where I'm going to start. Besides tell him I'm carrying a sack of genetics that half belongs to him. I'm also not about to beg him to stay... if he wants to go, he can go. I don't need him... and I don't know if I need this rice grain, but I can't write it off just yet. I really have no idea what I'm going to do."
Riley put his hand up and scratched the back of his head. He shifted on the spot as the situation hit very close to home, but she was going through crap and it wasn't going to hurt for him to talk about it, was it? "Adoption or a donor is... I just feel like if I'm going to have a kid, I want it to be biologically mine. There are options, just very expensive and risky ones. It's... hard to face." He cleared his throat, his green eyes watching her closely. "Would you think about raising the baby yourself? I mean, I can tell you in a heartbeat Aiden and Pat wouldn't let you do it alone."
"I don't doubt that they would. Aiden's already said he'd have the kid for me if he could," she replied with a soft smile. "And yes, I would. It's just I need to actually be into the idea of having a kid. A child that's mine..." She looked up at him suddenly, her blue eyes locking with his green ones. "You're probably going to have to go through hell to have a kid of yours, and you probably think I'm about ready to get rid of my rice grain. Do you think I'm a horrible person?"
Riley averted his eyes, but only for the reason if he held her gaze, he might not hold onto his composure. It was a sensitive subject for him and talking about it was much akin to poking away at an exposed wound. Still, not talking about it put him firmly into denial again and that was dangerous for him. It didn't lead him down not very nice paths at all and had a domino effect on everyone around him. "I don't judge you, Harri. Not at all. We all have trials to face and we all make decisions for different reasons. I'm one of those that fall into the category of always having wanted a kid. My situation is actually very similar to yours, just the opposite side of the coin. I have to choose whether to risk having a child. You have to choose whether to risk keeping one."
Harri held up a hand and gave him an apologetic look. "I'm sorry, I didn't meant to get so personal. I shouldn't be asking... it's none of my business." She had always lacked a certain tact when it came to people, but she actually liked Riley. She didn't enjoy putting him on the spot. "I don't know if I could give up a child knowing that someone like you was so desperate for one... But I can't keep it if I don't feel anything for a child. I'm already calling it 'it'. I call it a rice grain instead of a baby. I just... I don't know. I need to talk to Marc."
"No, I'm sorry," Riley murmured. "It's a little ironic we've stumbled onto the subject because the last few days for me have been very much all-encompassed with discussions about fertility clinics and hard decisions. I shouldn't be letting my own business interfere with yours as my patient in any way. But if it's any consolation, I mean, Aiden and Pat are getting married. You're Aiden's closest friend. You're practically family and you can talk to me about anything you need. You'll have my complete confidence. You also can't let my situation affect decisions in yours. I'm not against pregnancy termination because I want kids myself. In fact, I support it. As a doctor, you tend to keep a level head with things like things. You do need to talk to your partner. I mean, I don't know him so I can't judge on that, but if he has any family values, this will affect him. He might just need time to process it, just like you will."
"Still a little hard to believe that Aiden's getting married, but I'm happy for him. I really am. I just seemed to have skipped a couple of steps somewhere. Jumped straight to a baby and forgotten the stuff in between. I don't even know if Marc is my partner. I should know that, shouldn't I?" Harri asked, a sudden moment of insecurity gripping her. "And I know your thoughts shouldn't affect mine, but talking to you... it's helping. I can't really seem to get my head straight when I'm left to my own thoughts. I've always been so sure in what I want. This is just so different."
Riley laughed a little. "I find it hard to believe Pat's getting married. We always sort of thought he would, but he was always like the cheerleader for the rest of us. I think Aiden stunned him, to be honest." He gestured with the file. "He knocked you up, he's your partner. You don't get to play with the ball without staying for the whole game. Whether he likes it or not, he's going to have to face this one way or another. It's different and it's huge. Massive. Hardest thing probably in your life you've faced, but you'll get through it. Luke's cousin is dating a girl in a similar position to you. She decided to keep the baby and probably wouldn't change that for the world, but it's hard. I've been told it's very worth all the shit, though."
"You mean Ali?" Harri asked quietly. "Aiden took himself by surprise, but he's ready. He really is. You have no idea how happy Pat makes him. It's been amazing to see." Harri scrunched her nose up. "I'm not a fucking ball. If you're going to use a metaphor don't use a sports one."
Riley held his hands up and pushed off the wall. "I'm just trying to help you understand," he told her quietly and wondering if the conversation had veered off into too personal. "Yeah, I meant Ali. Do you know her?"
"I know, I'm just... I've been letting men play with my... ball for free for years now. Marc's really only the second one I've ever wanted to stick around for the whole game." Harri stared at Riley before she managed to break out into a hoarse laughter. "Fuck, I hate sports metaphors. Yeah, she's... she's a friend of Marc's. We bumped into each other in a coffee shop. Literally. She said she had been exactly like me, and then she'd had her daughter. She was still worried she was a horrible mother and not built for it."
Riley pressed his lips together and then smiled. "Yeah, but you got my meaning right up without me needing to spell it out. Sports metaphors have their usage, no matter how corny." He raised his eyebrows. "Really? Your boyfriend is Ali's friend? I didn't realise that. I wouldn't panic about ending up just like Ali, either, though. Luke was telling me she has Post-Natal Depression due to a lot of horrific external factors. It's not a nice thing to live through, but she still adores her daughter. That's got to show you something."
Harri pressed her lips together as she looked down at the carpet. She knew all too well what those 'horrific external factors' were. And that Marc--James--had played a part in them. She couldn't let Riley know that though. "It does... but I still can't seem to comprehend that I have a life inside me. It's still just a rice grain. I know I'm probably not a candidate for Post-Natal Depression, but what if I carry the child to term and I still can't form an attachment? What if I miss that thing inside me that lets me be maternal?"
Riley smiled. "You will," he predicted. "You haven't run out of here yet. You're open to the conversation. It's already there in some form, however small. It can grow." He tilted his head a little. "Have you had much to do with babies?" he asked her.
Harri's eyebrows went up. "Fuck no..." She shook her head vehemently. "No, definitely not. Ali's child was the first one I've been near."
Riley bit on his lip for a moment and then nodded to the door. "Come with. I want you to meet my godson in the flesh," he told her with a small smile. "You can't make a decision about whether or not to keep a baby without experiencing one, even just briefly."
Harri's eyes went wide and she hesitated before standing up to follow him. "Are you sure?"
Riley smiled. "Of course I'm sure. Why wouldn't I be? I won't lie. It'll be confronting seeing him like that. He's hooked up to a few different things, but just to monitor him and make sure he's responding well to the treatment, but you should meet him. Despite what Tab thinks, he doesn't bite. He's... well, he's a miracle."
Harri blinked, not even considering that babies would bite until now. But it was stupid, they had no teeth. "Is Lachlan going to mind? I heard he was very protective of who was near his child."
"Tara or Lachlan, maybe both, will be there with him. Hopefully sleeping. I don't think you're going to bite his ears off or anything, are you? They won't mind. Don't forget, Pat's his godfather, too. You're practically an aunty," Riley told her, smiling. "It's just going to give you some food for thought to make sure any decision you make is with all the facts."
She shook her head, and smiled a little. "No, I'm not about to bite his ear off. I've already got a kid inside me, I don't feel like ingesting one. Aunty, huh? I guess I am..." It shocked her to discover that she really was becoming part of a family. It just made her want to contact Marc even more. He might not want to be a part of the scenario. Or he might, and she wouldn't know. "You're a very good doctor, Riley."
Riley was ready to open the door for her when he paused and smiled at her. "Thanks," he said quietly. "You don't know how much I need to hear that."
All muses referenced with permission and are part of the princeton2nyc universe
Word Count | 2,547