fic: fresh stains and forget-me-knots; Part 1
Title: fresh stains and forget-me-knots
Author: puchuupoet
Pairing: Gabriel/Castiel
Word Count: ~15,400
Rating: nc-17
Heads-up: Takes place between 5.16 and 5.19 (spoilers for events in both those episodes); language, adult situations, incest
Disclaimer: Not mine, never happened, completely fictional.
Notes: Written for the Gabriel Big Bang, with wonderful artwork by ninurta (which can be found here)
This was originally intended as a birthday present for thunder_nari a couple years ago, and then it kept growing into something much more massive than the original ficlet :D Many thanks to her for the original brainstorming (and an early/late happy birthday ♥) and to all the wonderful friends who've helped and encouraged me through this fic. kelisab, morganoconner, cho_malfoy, and chaosraven.
The room is empty, unseen by the housekeeper as she pushes her cart down the pathway. Castiel waits until she's turned the corner before walking up to the door. The handle's cool against his palm, traces of existence worn into the minute scratches in the metal. He can feel the Winchesters there, but in this location, their trail isn't as clear as it usually is.
He glances around before stepping inside, making sure to lock the door behind him. It's not necessary, but the gesture seems symbolic . Castiel rests his forehead against the cheap wooden door, clicking the deadbolt into place, and the movement is comforting. Letting his shoulders drop in an attempt to relax isn't as successful, and he curls his fingers around the doorknob again. The metal's cool and he can feel it in the ridges of his fingertips. It's a contrast to the warmth in his face, the flush of alcohol pinking his cheeks. It loosens the knot of worry he's been carrying, and he lets himself fall into the feeling; pushing to lose himself in the sensation.
He's drunk, he quickly realizes. It makes everything easier, especially being back here in the first place. His mind is loose and he wonders if this is how Sam felt when his father told him to get out, to never come back. It can't be, because Sam still had a father in the end. Castiel is alone.
A shout from the room next door pulls him out of his mind, and he steps back from the door, shaking his head. The movement makes everything better, if better is confusing and twirling and warm, and Castiel lets himself fall deeper into those feelings. It's not like he needs to rush off and continue searching for his Father or anything.
The amulet's still in the trash can.
He feels like he should pick it up, take it to Dean and be the one to press on, to flame the spark that they all once held. But he can't bring himself to take it out of the trash, and that lack of action has him dropping his head down, eyes shutting at the distaste in his mouth. He shouldn't be here like this: alone and drunk and forsaking hope, especially for his Father. But a part of him is relishing it, the bitter freedom in saying "fuck it" and wonders if Dean has ever been conflicted like this, ashamed for enjoying this sense of temporary abandon.
Castiel is pleased at the sensations running through his body. Or rather, the almost unreal lack of sense. He's looking for the guys, and he tries to remember when he started thinking of them as other than The Winchesters, vessels to aid the cause. Always really, but the alcohol brings it all into sharp relief.
He's been trying to find them for awhile tonight; although really, it's only been moments in the greater scheme of things. He hates to admit that it's taking him longer than he's used to it. What seems to be a solid grasp on their location quickly turns fuzzy and wisps away.
He finally gets frustrated, giving up on focusing in on Sam and Dean's exact locations. Their motel parking lot is larger, an easier target. Some small town in Minnesota, it seems. Castiel closes his eyes and goes, sending himself towards the Winchesters.
---
He staggers when the cold air hits his face, the sudden movement causing his stomach to churn. He's not sure if he's actually falling over or if he's imagining the asphalt rising up to meet him. But suddenly there's a tight grip around his arm and Castiel finds himself being hauled into a more upright position.
The momentum keeps him going until he's pressed against the other person, his knees bent and his face muffled against a firm chest. He's overwhelmed by the cloying scent of sweetness, the smell causing him to lurch back, coughing and trying not to throw up.
"The way back's not as much fun as the getting lost part, is it? Really should've gotten a DD," a voice laughs in his ear, and despite his spinning head Cas can feel his body react to the chuckle, the alcohol spurring it on. He tries to twist away, to tamp down his body's betrayal but the grip just tightens. "Come on, bro." The voice is still amused, but even in this state Cas can hear the underlying serious tone. "Let's clean you up."
Castiel struggles to push away from the grasp, but an arm wraps around his waist, pulling him up and pinning him close. A groan escapes him and he flushes at the noise, especially at how it makes the other man chuckle. "Got a fix for that too, if that's what you're aching for, but first things first."
There's a shift in the wind, and Castiel's not sure if it's actually happening or just a side effect of what he's consumed, but the last thing he remembers before blacking out is the sharp snap of fingers echoing in his head.
===
It hurts. Everything, Castiel decides, keeping his voice small in his head, lest he prolongs the headache he feels cracking his skull open. It's worse now that he's started thinking about, his mind and body slowly waking up to what's around him.
There are birds chirping, leaves being rustled by a warm breeze Castiel can feel against his face. It's almost too nice, too perfect, and he has an immediate frozen fear that he's back in Heaven's garden, and that the low laugh to the side is Joshua.
Except he knows that laugh, vaguely remembers it from the events beforehand. Castiel cautiously opens his eyes, ready to protect himself from the morning glare of the sun. Except that seems to have been thought of, and prepared for, and what he opens his eyes to is really the last thing he was expecting.
Gabriel is staring back at him, a sly smirk on his face. He's sitting on a fallen log, and Castiel wonders if he placed the tree there himself for a more ideal positioning. Gabriel doesn't say anything, just keeps watching until Castiel feels like he's going cross-eyed and has to shut his eyes again. He can hear another snort of laughter and he tightens around himself as best he can.
When Castiel opens his eyes again, the sun is heating his back and his view is full of plaid. He slowly tilts his head back, following the pattern upward until he reaches Gabriel's profile. He's pretty sure he sputters, because Gabriel's looking at him now, a gleeful smile partially hidden by the new look he's sporting.
"Hangovers are a bitch if you're not prepared for them. Although most people out there figure that out a bit earlier in life than you are." Gabriel resettles himself so that he's facing Castiel more. "Better late than never, especially if you're planning on sticking with that plan of attack."
Castiel frowns at Gabriel, trying to decipher the unspoken warning he's pretty sure he just received. But he's distracted again, this time by the log he realizes Gabriel is leaning up against; and by default, is supporting his own head, a blanket separating him from the rough wood.
"Where are we?" His voice comes out hoarse and gravelly and Castiel wishes for some water, even though his stomach lurches at the thought of drinking anything at all anymore. "And what is that on your face?"
Gabriel strokes at the beard covering his face. "Do you like it? I've been waiting for a while for a decent enough reason to try it out. And I've been meaning to try being rugged." He looks around at their surroundings before shrugging. "And we're in a forest somewhere. Doesn't really matter which one."
"Why?"
"Because ruggedly handsome is what gets the chicks these days." At Castiel's frustrated sneer, Gabriel sticks his tongue out. "What matters is what happens, not where it's actually happening. But this place was chosen for its distinct lack of distractions. And liquor stores," he adds pointedly, staring down at Castiel.
"You're attempting to hold me hostage?" When he doesn't respond, Castiel struggles to sit up, tired of having Gabriel gazing down at him. He quickly glances around them, reaffirming that they're in a clearing in the middle of a forest somewhere. "How?"
Gabriel shrugs finally. "Take off, if you can. But remember, buzzed flying is still flying drunk."
Castiel's tempted to take another page from Dean's book but holds back, distracted. His head is spinning again from sitting up, and he takes several deep breaths, trying to focus. He pictures the parking lot, the shallow puddle next to where the Impala was parked. Dean's out but Sam's in, and he picks up that thread, holds it tightly and goes.
Castiel opens his eyes when he hears Gabriel's muffled laughter, and he realizes he's getting tired of opening his eyes to find his brother laughing at him. Gabriel just shakes his head, raising his hand and miming a snap.
"Like I said, you're on vacation, so none of that."
Castiel huffs out a breath, annoyed. "There's an apocalypse going on, if you haven't noticed. Is this really the time for vacations?"
"You're forgetting my mastery of time and space then? Again, don't worry about the details. Besides," Gabriel pulls his feet underneath himself and stands. "This will directly affect the apocalypse, so it's not like we're out here just scratching our asses and catching flies."
"How so?" Castiel watches as Gabriel hikes away from him, winding through low bushes on an unseen path. When he squints he thinks he can make out a large shape hidden behind a copse of trees.
"You'll see!" Gabriel yells back over his shoulder. There's creaking coming from where he disappeared off to, followed by a moment of silence and then the slam of a car door. Gabriel reemerges soon after, carrying an armful of items.
"Here you go," Gabriel says, handing a small bottle to Castiel. "And this too," he adds, passing along a bottle of water.
Castiel eyes the label before opening it up on his second attempt, finally squeezing the cap in at the right time. "Why not fix it yourself?"
Gabriel shakes his head. "It's your hangover, you fix it. Besides, vacation? Applies to me too." He nods towards the car. "Only reason I'm driving an Outback."
Castiel stares at him, pills forgotten in his palm. "You took away both our powers in the middle of an epic fight that could end the world?" He's only slightly pleased to see a guilty look pass over Gabriel's face, but the other angel hides it quickly.
"When you phrase it that way it sounds worse than it actually is." Gabriel moves to sit down on the log. "We're in the middle of nowhere, hidden from everyone. You're not the only one who knows that neat little rib tattooing trick," he adds when Castiel raises a questioning eyebrow. "And it's only for sixty hours or so. The world's gone without us for much longer before."
Castiel doesn't respond, and instead distracts himself with the pills in his palm. His headache is down to a dull throb and his body aches, but the immediate nausea is gone. He wonders how Dean deals with all of this on a regular basis.
"He doesn't. That's why he keeps doing it."
"I thought you said our powers were gone."
Gabriel shrugs. "There are some things that run too deep to carve out and remove for a weekend." He raises his hand in a mock scout salute. "I swear I'll only use it for good though. And I have no problem with you reading mine," he leers at Castiel.
Castiel ignores him, instead breaking the seal on the water and swallowing down the pills. With Gabriel now quiet and the headache starting to fade into the back of his skull, Castiel takes a look at his surroundings.
It's not much, as far as forests go. The small clearing has several downed trees lining the perimeter, and there's the start of a fire pit being dug out of the earth off to one side. When Castiel closes his eyes he can hear the low hum of the forest pick up: the insects' slow buzz and chirp, the shrill noises from the birds flying overhead. When he tilts his head up and opens his eyes, he can see the freckling of blue sky through the interwoven branches above.
"You like it?" Gabriel's voice is soft, and there's a rawness Castiel isn't used to hearing from him. He nods, not changing his gaze.
"Why?"
Gabriel stays still long enough for Castiel to become curious, concerned even. He looks over to him, and is almost sure he's found Gabriel at a loss for words.
"You're protective of the Winchesters, right? Dean, at the very least." Gabriel waits until Castiel reluctantly nods before continuing. "And humanity, you've always had a respect there, a curiosity about it all, even though you weren't supposed to?"
Castiel nods again, not sure where this is heading. Or if he should even be admitting to this. But he trusts Gabriel, deep down, even if his brother's antics can get annoying at times.
"You walk that fine line between lording over them and sometimes wishing you were one of them. It's changed, shifted from the first to the latter more recently, but you still have a hard time finding that balance sometimes."
Castiel doesn't respond.
"It's not a bad thing, to want to try something new out -"
"There's trying something new and then there's running away, Gabriel." Castiel's voice is low and he's not quite sure where this anger is coming from. "I have stood tall, followed my orders and have done what's right." His voice starts to waver. "Even if it isn't clear at times."
"Even if it means disobeying, which is a very human thing to do." Gabriel does his best to keep his tone level. "You keep getting closer and closer to them, Castiel, and that's not a bad thing sometimes. But is it enough? Other than getting drunk one night, do you really know what it is to be human?"
Castiel stays silent, so Gabriel pushes on.
"You have to embrace the lifestyle, the habits, the quirks," Gabriel wriggles an eyebrow at the last word, "that makes humanity human."
"What does that even mean?"
"It's the reason we're hanging out in the woods this weekend. To experience the ultimate in human experiences."
When Castiel just keeps looking at him, wide-eyed and confused, Gabriel huffs out a sigh. "We're going camping, bro."
"Why?"
Gabriel stares at Castiel. "I just told you why. Because you're sacrificing yourself to a cause you know nothing of."
"And this," Castiel gestures to the forest surrounding them. "This will solidify all of that for me? This will make all the upcoming apocalyptic sacrifices worth it?"
"Exactly!" Gabriel beams at him. "Just because you want to save the Winchesters doesn't mean you want to save the world, right? This will convince you otherwise. "
Castiel raises an eyebrow. "What if I already want to save the world?"
"But do you know why? I mean, is it because you know exactly what will be lost if Lucifer wins this war? Or are your intentions just being propelled by a set of come hither green eyes and freckles and a desire to rebel against Daddy?"
"You don't know what you're talking about."
"Don't I?" Gabriel stares at Castiel. "You've had no idea where I've been for how long now? I mean Cas, for fuck's sake, you could have called or something. It hasn't always been about schmoozing around for me, you know?"
Castiel stays still, staring at the ground. There's a beetle there, shoving dirt around, and Castiel doesn't want to look away from it, suddenly can't bring himself to meet Gabriel's fierce gaze, and there's a flash of unexpected shyness that comes over him. He wonders if that's what Gabriel is talking about, that there is something about the intensity and overwhelming nature of the trees that will break him down and expose him raw for anyone to see.
"I've failed you," he says softly, more to the bug than to Gabriel, and his words hang in the air next to the dust motes floating in the shafts of sunlight.
He feels Gabriel move, stepping over to sit down next to Castiel on the ground. Gabriel's shoulder bumps into his, and the sudden weight is comforting.
"I hid, you know." Gabriel's words are warm against his neck. "It's better to flounder and drown alone than with an audience looking on and wondering why you can't bring yourself to swim and save yourself."
Castiel nods, shifting his foot just enough to create a new pile of dirt for the beetle to clamber over. "What happens now? In regards to camping," he clarifies. He's not ready to take on the Apocalypse quite yet, or certain members of his family. He turns to look at Gabriel, forcing himself to let go, to try and trust his brother no matter what.
Gabriel grins and bumps their shoulders together again. "There's putting up the tent and hiking and s'mores and all sorts of things. But right now? We're totally going fishing."
"Fishing."
"Definitely. After we get you dressed more appropriately." Gabriel leans back to look Castiel over.
"I'm fine," Castiel crosses his arms over his chest. "These clothes have served me well so far."
The other angel snorts. "Trust me, you're gonna want to lose that coat as soon as you step out into direct sun, and your pants are going to get torn up by the end of the weekend. Not to mention how easy it is to twist an ankle in those shoes. You're going to face the apocalypse looking like crap if you stay in that getup the entire time."
Gabriel stands up and moves over to the small pile of bags at the base of one of the trees. "And because I know you so well, I took it upon myself to bring spare clothes for you as well. You'll thank me at the end of this." He stoops to rummage through one of the bags, pulling out an armful of clothing.
"Here, change," he tells Castiel, dropping the clothes onto his lap. "I'll find boots for you while you figure that out."
"Where?" Even though they're alone, Castiel still feels like there could be creatures watching him. He knows there are, logically, but it doesn't explain the twist of self-consciousness in his gut.
"Well, if you hadn't passed out, we could've had the tent up by now." Gabriel's voice is teasing, but instinctually Castiel picks up on the soft underlying bite his family is so good at. "You can use the car if you want."
"Thank you." Castiel pushes himself up off the log, taking a moment to catch his balance. He doesn't know how Dean does it, drink as much as he does and still manage to function throughout the day. Although Castiel is relearning the definition of function at the moment.
He makes his way down the path he saw Gabriel take earlier, although it seems that the plants have suddenly covered the thin strip of dirt meandering between the trees. It's mostly ferns, light green and airy, the fronds curling out in soft arcs.
Gabriel's right, he realizes when he finally reaches the car. His shoes are already dusty and slightly scuffed, the hem of his pants stained and faded tan. Castiel's never bothered noticing these details before; just cleaned himself up when the blood and torn clothing would have been too startling.
Castiel gets into the back seat of the Outback, slamming the door shut harder than needed. He sits in the silence for a moment, comparing the sanitized quiet to the rumblings of nature outside.
The last time Castiel sat in a car like this, Dean was in the front seat. He had been bouncing between casual rambling and stony silence, both of which had set Castiel on edge. Dean had been flustered, distracted, and all Castiel had been able to do was pick up on that, roll it around in his head, and try not to reflect it back. It hadn't been a huge hunt, in the scheme of things, nothing related to Lucifer, but the rough half-assedness of the hunting down and salting and burning the ghost had hit a nerve in Castiel. He had liked it, and if it hadn't been for a pressing engagement, he would have probably taken Dean up on his offer of a celebratory drink.
Gabriel's words spring to mind, protective of Dean, unnatural curiosity, getting closer and closer to toeing the line of humanity, of being human. Faith is hard to have, as it should be, but Castiel is getting exhausted. He wants to believe his Father is out there, biding his time, but the longer he searches, the less sure he becomes. Of anything, really, and that's what Dean offers. Something tangible, something he can touch and smell and maybe even taste himself one day. He knows of the women Dean brings back to the motel room, less now, and Castiel's not sure why, but Dean never wants for attention from the fairer sex.
Castiel understands the appeal, at least logically. Dean is attractive and offers women something to get lost in and something to save. They want him to settle down with them, to switch from whiskey to wine, from leather jackets to polo shirts and slacks. They want to domesticate him, show their girlfriends what they've bagged, but Castiel knows that will never happen. Not completely.
No, if anything, he wants to join Dean. More than he already has now, if Dean will let him. Dean will always be the older brother: for Sam, for Castiel, for whoever needs him. And the world is wanting, currently. Castiel leans his head against the window and watches a small beetle crawl up the outside of the car.
Castiel just wants to join him in his adventures, to be as free as Dean is. They share the daddy issues, the confused need to do the right thing, however hard it is to reach that point. And even if it is stilted sometimes, Dean has made it past those hurdles. Castiel is ready to follow suit, to chase after Dean in the hopes that he will conquer his own failings by following the path of someone who's succeeded at them.
A sharp crack near his head has Castiel falling backwards against the seat, looking around to find the source of the noise.
"Hey numbnuts!" Gabriel's voice rings through the forest, only slightly muffled by the car windows. "Hurry up before the fish go on their lunch break!"
Castiel tries to flip Gabriel off, mimicking Dean as best he can, but the gesture is awkward and his middle finger doesn't want to stand straight up by itself. Rummaging through the clothes Gabriel gave him, Castiel feels himself droop a little. There's a blue t-shirt, stiff new jeans, a long-sleeved shirt, boxers, and thick socks. With a sigh, Castiel tackles the shirts first.
When he finally opens the rear door again, Castiel feels like a new man. Or rather, someone ready for the first day of school. The new clothes are stiff and rough, cruder than Jimmy Novak's shirt and slacks. He's pulled the long-sleeved shirt on over the t-shirt, but Gabriel's right. The heat is already permeating the canopy and slowly making its way down to the forest floor. The socks are comfortable, even in the growing heat of the day, but without a new pair of shoes to go with them, Castiel's been forced to slip Jimmy's work shoes back on in order to make his way back to the clearing. The nice leather shoes have obviously not been made to be work with socks such as these, and Castiel slowly makes his way back to Gabriel.
"I was almost worried you had gotten lost in there," Gabriel teases him. Gabriel's been busy, and Castiel tries to think of how long he took to change. "And a recommendation? Take that top shirt off and tie it around your waist. All the cool kids are doing it."
There's a pile of tent pieces off to the side of the clearing, and several feet away is a fire pit, ringed with stones and several small logs to sit on. Castiel looks around as he pulls his over shirt off, tying it around his waist with a double knot.
"Is there anything I can do?" he asks, but it seems like Gabriel already has everything under control.
"Next on the list is lunch, which is going to be fish." Gabriel turns to face Castiel, a pair of hiking boots in hand. He offers them to Castiel as he walks by him. "I'm gonna grab the supplies from the trunk while you fix your footwear."
Looking at the number of hooks and holes on each boot, Castiel wishes his brother had left them some powers, however miniscule. But by the time Gabriel returns, rods, basket, and tackle box in hand, Castiel is finishing up the second knot on his right boot.
"Ready to get going?" Gabriel holds out the hand with the fishing rods.
"Do I have a choice in the matter?" Castiel accepts one of the rods, cautiously testing the weight.
"Oh, come on. You have to admit you're at least a little bit curious, right?" Gabriel grins at him, the gesture causing Castiel's stomach to knot in on itself. "Let's go." He starts off on another trail, this time in the opposite direction of the car.
Castiel hesitates before nodding. Gabriel's right. He doesn't want to admit it, especially to another angel, but Gabriel's already got him pegged. The lick of excitement up his spine is the same one that Dean's grin usually triggers, especially when accompanied by the promise of a challenge, an opportunity to do some good and work hard.
Gabriel's got him pegged, and Castiel's not sure if he should be more worried about that fact.
====
"There's a river right over here, I know it."
"Did you put it there?"
"You know, you're really damn cynical for an angel. I told you, powers are gone, the river is over there all on its own, and we're going fishing in it."
"Once you find it."
"You make it sound like I lost it or something. This is what camping's about. Exploring, hiking around..."
"Getting lost."
"If you're camping for the experience, you don't get lost. If you're acting as if you're on the freeway and you missed your exit? Then yes, we're lost. Come on Cas, unclench a little already."
Castiel is pretty sure they’ve already covered this side of the mountain, a fact Gabriel dismisses with a wave of his hand. Gabriel's boots are dirty, the smear of mud steadily creeping up his pants' legs the deeper they get into the underbrush. It's made up of mostly ferns and thin brush, whatever can flourish in the limited sunlight. The fishing rod Gabriel's carrying keep getting caught in the foliage, and it springs free with a whish, vibrating in Gabriel's grip.
Gabriel is almost out of sight, disappearing into the low hanging branches ahead of Castiel, but he can still hear a triumphant "Aha!" resounding moments later.
"You found the river?" Castiel calls out. He finds himself hopeful, encouraged that he might finally use the rod he's been carrying around for the past two hours.
"Something even better!" Gabriel calls out over his shoulder. Castiel pushes through the last few branches to break through the forest, ending up on a vast stretch of beach. It's more gravel and grit than fine sand, but the water stretches on for miles, tiny waves lapping at the beach.
"How did you even...?" Castiel glances around them, looking for any hint of civilization. All he can see are trees, the forest pressing close to the edge of the lake.
"Told you I knew where I was going." Gabriel's smug, balancing both the rods in one hand. "You ready to get started?"
"We're actually doing this?"
"You have anything better in mind? We're here, we have the gear, we'll need lunch and dinner at some point." Gabriel points out. "At least we know these fish will have died happy."
"Happiness will always be up for debate," Castiel absently comments, starting to walk down the beach. "What's that over there?"
Gabriel hesitates. "Possibly something that makes this whole fishing thing a lot easier?"
"You're telling me you managed to pick the one lake in the wilderness that came with a dock?"
"I may have made some adjustments before giving up my powers." Gabriel catches up to Castiel, his footsteps crunching on the rocks. "Don't tell me you don't like it."
Castiel shakes his head, slowing down to match his steps with Gabriel. "I like it."
Castiel's not sure how long they've been there, but he knows it's been awhile, the sun tipping over into the afternoon. The fish haven't shown up yet, and he shifts, restless. The back of his neck is hot, and when he touches it his fingertips come away warm. His stomach growls at him and Castiel grimaces, confused and annoyed at this new pain, and he hears a laugh from his right side. Gabriel had shunned his own dock when choosing fishing spots, and Castiel has to grudgingly admit that Gabriel picked the better location.
"Hunger sort of motivates you to actually catch one, doesn't it?" Gabriel checks his lure before casting his line out again, ripples echoing where it hits the smooth surface. Castiel can see at least three fish sticking out of the basket by Gabriel's feet, and he glares at his brother.
"This is all so easily preventable," Castiel tells him, setting his rod down on the dock before walking towards him. "Besides, you still haven't explained why you're wasting our time with this."
Gabriel doesn't react, but continues to stare out over the water, watching his line. He finally leans down, propping his pole up against a rock. Gabriel shoves sand and gravel against it until it stands on its own, and then he looks over at Castiel.
He steps towards Castiel, reaching out to place his palm on Castiel's forehead. Gabriel's fingers are cool and slightly damp, grains of sand stuck to his skin. It feels good though, and Castiel tries not to let his eyes close at the sensation.
"Still hurts?" Gabriel asks him, and Castiel nods, doing his best to keep his head from moving too much.
"A little."
"Based on what I saw you inhale last night, I'm betting your ass is still hung over. Although hangovers of this length are generally found in dumbass freshmen that are getting hazed or some shit. It should go away in a couple of hours though."Castiel grimaces at Gabriel's words.
Gabriel moves his hand lower, a quick light press over Castiel's heart. "And considering some of the things I heard you say as well?" Gabriel presses harder, and Castiel can feel a brief flare of power push against his chest. "Daddy doesn't love you anymore?" Castiel winces at the words, and hopes that his brother means it as a rhetorical question.
Gabriel doesn't wait for an answer, just moves his hand down to cover Castiel's belly, and Castiel's stomach grumbles at the additional disturbance.
"This one's hurting, right?" Gabriel asks, and he waits until Castiel nods. "This'll linger, just so you know. Stays with you until you eat, and then it'll get worse before it gets better."
Gabriel stares at Castiel's face until he looks up to meet his eyes. The wind picks up, blowing Gabriel's hair into his eyes, and Castiel is tempted to fix it for him. But Gabriel's hand is still pressed tight against him, and Castiel is finding it hard to concentrate on anything else but that.
"This is how Dean grew up, Cas. Sam too, but not as bad, cause Dean was the one sacrificing everything for him."
Castiel tenses at the words, because he knows they're true and he knows that whatever he's feeling now, Dean has felt it in much worse ways.
"This is what it means to be human, Cas." Gabriel's tone is softer now, and Castiel bows his head towards it. "To ache and hurt and keep fighting through it all, even if there is no guarantee of a silver lining. You're a warrior, brother, I know that, but your battles aren't like everyone else's. Sometimes it's the small things that crack you to your core and shatter your foundations. And those are the things that you have to get over, to beat back and conquer."
Gabriel's touch tightens against Castiel's stomach, fingertips dragging against the thin fabric. "And sometimes, the thing that's motivating you, kicking your ass and all that? It's not there forever. Especially with humans. I'm not trying to push you one way or another," Gabriel's voice rises slightly when Castiel opens his mouth, and he waits until Castiel relaxes again.
"I'm just saying. If you pin all your hopes and dreams and reasonings onto one single thing, one person, the shit's more likely to hit the fan and leave you with nothing. I don't want to be a downer, but that just seems to be the way things go, and I'll bet if you take a step back and think about it, you'd agree with me."
Castiel's gaze drops down, doing anything to avoid Gabriel's eyes. He watches Gabriel's hand instead, how it shifts and flexes with every breath, the fingers tense against Castiel's belly.
"If something happens to the Winchesters, to Dean..." Gabriel trails off for a moment. "Or if nothing happens to him, and he finds a chick and starts a family and settles down. Or hell, bromances it up with his brother in some awkward bachelor setup, what are you going to do then, Cas? What are you going to do when you're not the first one Dean turns to, calls up to the heavens for? You gotta figure that out now, so you can steel yourself and get yourself ready, cause at some point, something's gonna happen that you're not going to like, but you still have to keep your shit together and function."
"How?"
Gabriel stares at him for a moment before bursting out laughing, and Castiel can feel the reverberations through his stomach.
"Fuck if I know, bro." Gabriel shakes his head, still smiling. "Main thing is that you're aware of it, and that you'll have to deal with it at some point. Fixing it is optional."
"Well, that was an optimistic pep talk," Castiel tells him dryly, and he can hear the Winchesters in the sarcasm. He hadn't realized that he was picking up that much from them, and while in the past the idea would have been comforting, now it just unsettles him. What other habits of theirs has he picked up along the journey so far? "Now what?"
"Now we head back to the campsite and get these bad boys cleaned up and cooking." Gabriel looks disappointed at the task. "Should've kept the powers for just a little bit longer."
"You didn't bring any food?" He had never cared for food before this moment, but with the sharpening pain in his stomach, Castiel finds his annoyance at Gabriel irrationally growing in leaps and bounds. "You didn't plan ahead for when the fish don't bite?"
"Oh, but the fish bit. They're just a bitch to clean. And I have hot dogs in the cooler, but they're more of a back-up plan." Gabriel pulls away, turning to go grab the fishing supplies, and Castiel finds his stomach quickly aching more with the sudden absence of warmth and touch than the need to eat.
Castiel shakes his head, watching his brother collect everything. A smug smile appears on Gabriel's face when he picks up the basket of fish, and even though it's warranted, it still rubs Castiel the wrong way.
"I'll meet you back there!" Castiel calls out as he walks away, moving his feet with an intent that catches him off-guard. It reminds him of Dean, something else to blame his brother for, and for a brief moment Castiel imagines the weight of the Impala keys in his hand, a heavier leather jacket taking the place of his coat, the satisfying slam of a motel door behind him. He's seen it too many times to count, watching Dean while invisible to everyone, perched to the side, but there were times he felt Dean recognize him. The twist of leaves caught up in a breeze, his wings beating too hard, and Dean would look up as if he could see Castiel, clear as day.
Or maybe Gabriel's right, and that's in Castiel's head, never having its own legs to stand on. That Castiel is a resource, the Winchesters are vessels, and the Impala is modern invention of cold steel and mechanics, nothing more.
Castiel is caught up in his thoughts, feet a heavy beat against the packed earth, baked to dust by the direct sunlight, that when a hand grabs his shoulder his first reaction is to swing out. Fingers close around his fist, accompanied by a chuckle.
"Man, you're caught up in your own world there." Gabriel swipes his thumb over Castiel's pulse point before letting go. "No need to freak, but what's up? Didn't you hear me calling your name?"
Castiel shakes his head, earning him a strange look from Gabriel. "Found something over here that'll make you a much happier camper. No pun intended," he adds. "Come on."
Castiel follows after him, curious as to what he could have discovered. Gabriel leads him off the path, down a narrow deer trail that Castiel would have never picked out on his own. Low hanging branches bat at Castiel's head, and he ducks down to avoid them. When he stands again, he almost runs into Gabriel, who's stopped suddenly in the middle of the path.
"Voila," Gabriel says with a flourish, extending one arm out. "Happy eatings and all that."
"What is all this?"
"Blackberry bushes, my dear. Warm and fresh off the bramble. Be careful with the pokey bits, but other than that, knock yourself out. If you need it, there's a blade in the basket you can use on the bigger branches." That said, Gabriel heads to the nearest one, delicately plucking off several berries before tipping them into his mouth.
Castiel has a passing familiarity with them, mainly through Dean and his love affair with the pie menu. But the dripping messes the waitresses always brought out never looked appetizing: too sticky, too sweet, in a plastic sugar way. Always enfolded in flakey crusts that were just stale enough to be unsettling.
He approaches a bush carefully, eyeing the multitudes of miniscule thorns covering the vines. Reaching in to grab a large berry, the vines rasp against his skin, leaving a reddened mark but no punctures. Castiel has to fight with the berry, using more force until finally it gives in and collapses under his fingertips. Reddish-black liquid smears over his fingers, and he can hear Gabriel chuckling at his attempt.
"Gotta use a little less pressure and start from the base. You know, like you do," Gabriel leers. "But remember, be gentle."
Castiel ignores him, reaching up to the next berry. They're all huge here, skins stretched taut, as if just looking at them wrong would cause them to burst open. This one is more successful, only partially giving in under the pads of his fingers. Castiel can feel Gabriel's eyes on him when he places the berry in his mouth. The juice seeps across his tongue, a sharp bitterness that makes him think that it's still too soon, that they're still ripening on the branches. But when he bites down, a sweetness follows, leaving only a hint of tartness in the back of his throat.
Castiel can't stop the soft noise that follows, a mix of satisfaction and happiness he hadn't thought possible to find in such a small object. He can hear Gabriel chuckle, but his brother doesn't say anything, too busy collecting his own berries.
Time slips away from Castiel's focus the further back he explores and the more berries he eats. The patches of space between the thicker blackberry bushes are filled with small clutters of vivid green grass and tiny wildflowers. They're shades of pale blue and pink, the centers highlighted in white and yellow, the blossoms smaller than his fingernail. They're everywhere, he realizes, growing in thick clumps everywhere he looks.
When Gabriel wanders over, Castiel's fingers are stained a dark red, his forearms pink. His brother lets out a sharp bark of laughter when he finally takes in all of Castiel.
"You're gonna be aching tomorrow," he circles around Castiel, pausing at his side. Without any warning, Castiel can feel his t-shirt being pulled back, Gabriel's breath hitting the back of his neck. "Oh man, Cas, you're gonna kill me."
"What?"
"But if it makes you feel better, I didn't wear sunscreen either. And this is one of the most universal feelings shared among all of mankind: a really crappy sunburn. And there's aloe back at camp."
"It doesn't help." Castiel can feel the ache throughout his shoulders, and while he had thought it was just from the physical exertions so far, there's a deeper pain starting to rise up.
"Let me try something else." Gabriel moves back, gently letting go of the shirt so that it didn't hit Castiel's skin. When Castiel twists around, Gabriel's crouched down, fingers busy on his pants. "Man, I've wanted to try these out forever."
"Like the beard?"
"Sort of. The beard will get my laid. These won't." Gabriel unzips part of his pants leg, going around his leg until the bottom half of the garment comes off. "See? Instant shorts."
Castiel is at a loss for words, which Gabriel seems to take as approval. He stands back up, folding one leg remnant into a square and tucking it into his pocket. The other one he keeps out, heading over to the bushes.
"And now we can collect berries for later on. Sound good?"
Castiel finds himself agreeing, caught up in the gleeful expression on Gabriel's face. He moves to join him, their fingers busy on the vines, until the fabric is heavy with berries. Castiel heads back towards the path, stopping to pick up the rods and supplies.
"Hey," Gabriel's voice seems close by, and when Castiel straightens up he finds his brother walking up to stand right next to him. "Open up."
Castiel's mouth starts to open automatically, and before he knows it Gabriel's holding a berry up and carefully sliding it between his lips. "One for the trip back," Gabriel murmurs, a fingertip hesitating on Castiel's lower lip.
This one seems far sweeter than all the others he's had today, and Castiel licks his lips. His tongue catches on Gabriel's finger; accidentally at first, but when he sees the way Gabriel's eyes widen at the touch, he does it again, slower this time. Castiel doesn't know what's motivating this, what draw there is in getting a rise out of Gabriel. But it's having the same effect on him, his breathing getting quicker, a knot growing low in his belly.
"Umm. We should probably go, get back to camp and take care of things." Gabriel's voice is shaky, something that pleases Castiel more than it should. Any other time he would feel ashamed, but now all he wants to do is grab Gabriel's wrist and do the same thing to all of his other fingers.
"What things?" Castiel talking jumps them both into gear, Gabriel's hand falling back down to his side.
"The fish and berries. And stuff. Still have to put the tent up." Gabriel shifts from one foot to the other, seemingly awkward but not breaking away from watching Castiel's face.
"Right..." Castiel doesn't want to let the moment go, not knowing when it may show itself again. But the sun is finally starting to sink lower, brushing against the tops of the trees, and he doesn't want to be caught out here in the darkness. "I'll follow you."
"Deal," Gabriel smiles, his pupils still wide as he moves past Castiel to the trail. "Just don't stare at my ass too hard."
Part 2
Author: puchuupoet
Pairing: Gabriel/Castiel
Word Count: ~15,400
Rating: nc-17
Heads-up: Takes place between 5.16 and 5.19 (spoilers for events in both those episodes); language, adult situations, incest
Disclaimer: Not mine, never happened, completely fictional.
Notes: Written for the Gabriel Big Bang, with wonderful artwork by ninurta (which can be found here)
This was originally intended as a birthday present for thunder_nari a couple years ago, and then it kept growing into something much more massive than the original ficlet :D Many thanks to her for the original brainstorming (and an early/late happy birthday ♥) and to all the wonderful friends who've helped and encouraged me through this fic. kelisab, morganoconner, cho_malfoy, and chaosraven.
The room is empty, unseen by the housekeeper as she pushes her cart down the pathway. Castiel waits until she's turned the corner before walking up to the door. The handle's cool against his palm, traces of existence worn into the minute scratches in the metal. He can feel the Winchesters there, but in this location, their trail isn't as clear as it usually is.
He glances around before stepping inside, making sure to lock the door behind him. It's not necessary, but the gesture seems symbolic . Castiel rests his forehead against the cheap wooden door, clicking the deadbolt into place, and the movement is comforting. Letting his shoulders drop in an attempt to relax isn't as successful, and he curls his fingers around the doorknob again. The metal's cool and he can feel it in the ridges of his fingertips. It's a contrast to the warmth in his face, the flush of alcohol pinking his cheeks. It loosens the knot of worry he's been carrying, and he lets himself fall into the feeling; pushing to lose himself in the sensation.
He's drunk, he quickly realizes. It makes everything easier, especially being back here in the first place. His mind is loose and he wonders if this is how Sam felt when his father told him to get out, to never come back. It can't be, because Sam still had a father in the end. Castiel is alone.
A shout from the room next door pulls him out of his mind, and he steps back from the door, shaking his head. The movement makes everything better, if better is confusing and twirling and warm, and Castiel lets himself fall deeper into those feelings. It's not like he needs to rush off and continue searching for his Father or anything.
The amulet's still in the trash can.
He feels like he should pick it up, take it to Dean and be the one to press on, to flame the spark that they all once held. But he can't bring himself to take it out of the trash, and that lack of action has him dropping his head down, eyes shutting at the distaste in his mouth. He shouldn't be here like this: alone and drunk and forsaking hope, especially for his Father. But a part of him is relishing it, the bitter freedom in saying "fuck it" and wonders if Dean has ever been conflicted like this, ashamed for enjoying this sense of temporary abandon.
Castiel is pleased at the sensations running through his body. Or rather, the almost unreal lack of sense. He's looking for the guys, and he tries to remember when he started thinking of them as other than The Winchesters, vessels to aid the cause. Always really, but the alcohol brings it all into sharp relief.
He's been trying to find them for awhile tonight; although really, it's only been moments in the greater scheme of things. He hates to admit that it's taking him longer than he's used to it. What seems to be a solid grasp on their location quickly turns fuzzy and wisps away.
He finally gets frustrated, giving up on focusing in on Sam and Dean's exact locations. Their motel parking lot is larger, an easier target. Some small town in Minnesota, it seems. Castiel closes his eyes and goes, sending himself towards the Winchesters.
---
He staggers when the cold air hits his face, the sudden movement causing his stomach to churn. He's not sure if he's actually falling over or if he's imagining the asphalt rising up to meet him. But suddenly there's a tight grip around his arm and Castiel finds himself being hauled into a more upright position.
The momentum keeps him going until he's pressed against the other person, his knees bent and his face muffled against a firm chest. He's overwhelmed by the cloying scent of sweetness, the smell causing him to lurch back, coughing and trying not to throw up.
"The way back's not as much fun as the getting lost part, is it? Really should've gotten a DD," a voice laughs in his ear, and despite his spinning head Cas can feel his body react to the chuckle, the alcohol spurring it on. He tries to twist away, to tamp down his body's betrayal but the grip just tightens. "Come on, bro." The voice is still amused, but even in this state Cas can hear the underlying serious tone. "Let's clean you up."
Castiel struggles to push away from the grasp, but an arm wraps around his waist, pulling him up and pinning him close. A groan escapes him and he flushes at the noise, especially at how it makes the other man chuckle. "Got a fix for that too, if that's what you're aching for, but first things first."
There's a shift in the wind, and Castiel's not sure if it's actually happening or just a side effect of what he's consumed, but the last thing he remembers before blacking out is the sharp snap of fingers echoing in his head.
===
It hurts. Everything, Castiel decides, keeping his voice small in his head, lest he prolongs the headache he feels cracking his skull open. It's worse now that he's started thinking about, his mind and body slowly waking up to what's around him.
There are birds chirping, leaves being rustled by a warm breeze Castiel can feel against his face. It's almost too nice, too perfect, and he has an immediate frozen fear that he's back in Heaven's garden, and that the low laugh to the side is Joshua.
Except he knows that laugh, vaguely remembers it from the events beforehand. Castiel cautiously opens his eyes, ready to protect himself from the morning glare of the sun. Except that seems to have been thought of, and prepared for, and what he opens his eyes to is really the last thing he was expecting.
Gabriel is staring back at him, a sly smirk on his face. He's sitting on a fallen log, and Castiel wonders if he placed the tree there himself for a more ideal positioning. Gabriel doesn't say anything, just keeps watching until Castiel feels like he's going cross-eyed and has to shut his eyes again. He can hear another snort of laughter and he tightens around himself as best he can.
When Castiel opens his eyes again, the sun is heating his back and his view is full of plaid. He slowly tilts his head back, following the pattern upward until he reaches Gabriel's profile. He's pretty sure he sputters, because Gabriel's looking at him now, a gleeful smile partially hidden by the new look he's sporting.
"Hangovers are a bitch if you're not prepared for them. Although most people out there figure that out a bit earlier in life than you are." Gabriel resettles himself so that he's facing Castiel more. "Better late than never, especially if you're planning on sticking with that plan of attack."
Castiel frowns at Gabriel, trying to decipher the unspoken warning he's pretty sure he just received. But he's distracted again, this time by the log he realizes Gabriel is leaning up against; and by default, is supporting his own head, a blanket separating him from the rough wood.
"Where are we?" His voice comes out hoarse and gravelly and Castiel wishes for some water, even though his stomach lurches at the thought of drinking anything at all anymore. "And what is that on your face?"
Gabriel strokes at the beard covering his face. "Do you like it? I've been waiting for a while for a decent enough reason to try it out. And I've been meaning to try being rugged." He looks around at their surroundings before shrugging. "And we're in a forest somewhere. Doesn't really matter which one."
"Why?"
"Because ruggedly handsome is what gets the chicks these days." At Castiel's frustrated sneer, Gabriel sticks his tongue out. "What matters is what happens, not where it's actually happening. But this place was chosen for its distinct lack of distractions. And liquor stores," he adds pointedly, staring down at Castiel.
"You're attempting to hold me hostage?" When he doesn't respond, Castiel struggles to sit up, tired of having Gabriel gazing down at him. He quickly glances around them, reaffirming that they're in a clearing in the middle of a forest somewhere. "How?"
Gabriel shrugs finally. "Take off, if you can. But remember, buzzed flying is still flying drunk."
Castiel's tempted to take another page from Dean's book but holds back, distracted. His head is spinning again from sitting up, and he takes several deep breaths, trying to focus. He pictures the parking lot, the shallow puddle next to where the Impala was parked. Dean's out but Sam's in, and he picks up that thread, holds it tightly and goes.
Castiel opens his eyes when he hears Gabriel's muffled laughter, and he realizes he's getting tired of opening his eyes to find his brother laughing at him. Gabriel just shakes his head, raising his hand and miming a snap.
"Like I said, you're on vacation, so none of that."
Castiel huffs out a breath, annoyed. "There's an apocalypse going on, if you haven't noticed. Is this really the time for vacations?"
"You're forgetting my mastery of time and space then? Again, don't worry about the details. Besides," Gabriel pulls his feet underneath himself and stands. "This will directly affect the apocalypse, so it's not like we're out here just scratching our asses and catching flies."
"How so?" Castiel watches as Gabriel hikes away from him, winding through low bushes on an unseen path. When he squints he thinks he can make out a large shape hidden behind a copse of trees.
"You'll see!" Gabriel yells back over his shoulder. There's creaking coming from where he disappeared off to, followed by a moment of silence and then the slam of a car door. Gabriel reemerges soon after, carrying an armful of items.
"Here you go," Gabriel says, handing a small bottle to Castiel. "And this too," he adds, passing along a bottle of water.
Castiel eyes the label before opening it up on his second attempt, finally squeezing the cap in at the right time. "Why not fix it yourself?"
Gabriel shakes his head. "It's your hangover, you fix it. Besides, vacation? Applies to me too." He nods towards the car. "Only reason I'm driving an Outback."
Castiel stares at him, pills forgotten in his palm. "You took away both our powers in the middle of an epic fight that could end the world?" He's only slightly pleased to see a guilty look pass over Gabriel's face, but the other angel hides it quickly.
"When you phrase it that way it sounds worse than it actually is." Gabriel moves to sit down on the log. "We're in the middle of nowhere, hidden from everyone. You're not the only one who knows that neat little rib tattooing trick," he adds when Castiel raises a questioning eyebrow. "And it's only for sixty hours or so. The world's gone without us for much longer before."
Castiel doesn't respond, and instead distracts himself with the pills in his palm. His headache is down to a dull throb and his body aches, but the immediate nausea is gone. He wonders how Dean deals with all of this on a regular basis.
"He doesn't. That's why he keeps doing it."
"I thought you said our powers were gone."
Gabriel shrugs. "There are some things that run too deep to carve out and remove for a weekend." He raises his hand in a mock scout salute. "I swear I'll only use it for good though. And I have no problem with you reading mine," he leers at Castiel.
Castiel ignores him, instead breaking the seal on the water and swallowing down the pills. With Gabriel now quiet and the headache starting to fade into the back of his skull, Castiel takes a look at his surroundings.
It's not much, as far as forests go. The small clearing has several downed trees lining the perimeter, and there's the start of a fire pit being dug out of the earth off to one side. When Castiel closes his eyes he can hear the low hum of the forest pick up: the insects' slow buzz and chirp, the shrill noises from the birds flying overhead. When he tilts his head up and opens his eyes, he can see the freckling of blue sky through the interwoven branches above.
"You like it?" Gabriel's voice is soft, and there's a rawness Castiel isn't used to hearing from him. He nods, not changing his gaze.
"Why?"
Gabriel stays still long enough for Castiel to become curious, concerned even. He looks over to him, and is almost sure he's found Gabriel at a loss for words.
"You're protective of the Winchesters, right? Dean, at the very least." Gabriel waits until Castiel reluctantly nods before continuing. "And humanity, you've always had a respect there, a curiosity about it all, even though you weren't supposed to?"
Castiel nods again, not sure where this is heading. Or if he should even be admitting to this. But he trusts Gabriel, deep down, even if his brother's antics can get annoying at times.
"You walk that fine line between lording over them and sometimes wishing you were one of them. It's changed, shifted from the first to the latter more recently, but you still have a hard time finding that balance sometimes."
Castiel doesn't respond.
"It's not a bad thing, to want to try something new out -"
"There's trying something new and then there's running away, Gabriel." Castiel's voice is low and he's not quite sure where this anger is coming from. "I have stood tall, followed my orders and have done what's right." His voice starts to waver. "Even if it isn't clear at times."
"Even if it means disobeying, which is a very human thing to do." Gabriel does his best to keep his tone level. "You keep getting closer and closer to them, Castiel, and that's not a bad thing sometimes. But is it enough? Other than getting drunk one night, do you really know what it is to be human?"
Castiel stays silent, so Gabriel pushes on.
"You have to embrace the lifestyle, the habits, the quirks," Gabriel wriggles an eyebrow at the last word, "that makes humanity human."
"What does that even mean?"
"It's the reason we're hanging out in the woods this weekend. To experience the ultimate in human experiences."
When Castiel just keeps looking at him, wide-eyed and confused, Gabriel huffs out a sigh. "We're going camping, bro."
"Why?"
Gabriel stares at Castiel. "I just told you why. Because you're sacrificing yourself to a cause you know nothing of."
"And this," Castiel gestures to the forest surrounding them. "This will solidify all of that for me? This will make all the upcoming apocalyptic sacrifices worth it?"
"Exactly!" Gabriel beams at him. "Just because you want to save the Winchesters doesn't mean you want to save the world, right? This will convince you otherwise. "
Castiel raises an eyebrow. "What if I already want to save the world?"
"But do you know why? I mean, is it because you know exactly what will be lost if Lucifer wins this war? Or are your intentions just being propelled by a set of come hither green eyes and freckles and a desire to rebel against Daddy?"
"You don't know what you're talking about."
"Don't I?" Gabriel stares at Castiel. "You've had no idea where I've been for how long now? I mean Cas, for fuck's sake, you could have called or something. It hasn't always been about schmoozing around for me, you know?"
Castiel stays still, staring at the ground. There's a beetle there, shoving dirt around, and Castiel doesn't want to look away from it, suddenly can't bring himself to meet Gabriel's fierce gaze, and there's a flash of unexpected shyness that comes over him. He wonders if that's what Gabriel is talking about, that there is something about the intensity and overwhelming nature of the trees that will break him down and expose him raw for anyone to see.
"I've failed you," he says softly, more to the bug than to Gabriel, and his words hang in the air next to the dust motes floating in the shafts of sunlight.
He feels Gabriel move, stepping over to sit down next to Castiel on the ground. Gabriel's shoulder bumps into his, and the sudden weight is comforting.
"I hid, you know." Gabriel's words are warm against his neck. "It's better to flounder and drown alone than with an audience looking on and wondering why you can't bring yourself to swim and save yourself."
Castiel nods, shifting his foot just enough to create a new pile of dirt for the beetle to clamber over. "What happens now? In regards to camping," he clarifies. He's not ready to take on the Apocalypse quite yet, or certain members of his family. He turns to look at Gabriel, forcing himself to let go, to try and trust his brother no matter what.
Gabriel grins and bumps their shoulders together again. "There's putting up the tent and hiking and s'mores and all sorts of things. But right now? We're totally going fishing."
"Fishing."
"Definitely. After we get you dressed more appropriately." Gabriel leans back to look Castiel over.
"I'm fine," Castiel crosses his arms over his chest. "These clothes have served me well so far."
The other angel snorts. "Trust me, you're gonna want to lose that coat as soon as you step out into direct sun, and your pants are going to get torn up by the end of the weekend. Not to mention how easy it is to twist an ankle in those shoes. You're going to face the apocalypse looking like crap if you stay in that getup the entire time."
Gabriel stands up and moves over to the small pile of bags at the base of one of the trees. "And because I know you so well, I took it upon myself to bring spare clothes for you as well. You'll thank me at the end of this." He stoops to rummage through one of the bags, pulling out an armful of clothing.
"Here, change," he tells Castiel, dropping the clothes onto his lap. "I'll find boots for you while you figure that out."
"Where?" Even though they're alone, Castiel still feels like there could be creatures watching him. He knows there are, logically, but it doesn't explain the twist of self-consciousness in his gut.
"Well, if you hadn't passed out, we could've had the tent up by now." Gabriel's voice is teasing, but instinctually Castiel picks up on the soft underlying bite his family is so good at. "You can use the car if you want."
"Thank you." Castiel pushes himself up off the log, taking a moment to catch his balance. He doesn't know how Dean does it, drink as much as he does and still manage to function throughout the day. Although Castiel is relearning the definition of function at the moment.
He makes his way down the path he saw Gabriel take earlier, although it seems that the plants have suddenly covered the thin strip of dirt meandering between the trees. It's mostly ferns, light green and airy, the fronds curling out in soft arcs.
Gabriel's right, he realizes when he finally reaches the car. His shoes are already dusty and slightly scuffed, the hem of his pants stained and faded tan. Castiel's never bothered noticing these details before; just cleaned himself up when the blood and torn clothing would have been too startling.
Castiel gets into the back seat of the Outback, slamming the door shut harder than needed. He sits in the silence for a moment, comparing the sanitized quiet to the rumblings of nature outside.
The last time Castiel sat in a car like this, Dean was in the front seat. He had been bouncing between casual rambling and stony silence, both of which had set Castiel on edge. Dean had been flustered, distracted, and all Castiel had been able to do was pick up on that, roll it around in his head, and try not to reflect it back. It hadn't been a huge hunt, in the scheme of things, nothing related to Lucifer, but the rough half-assedness of the hunting down and salting and burning the ghost had hit a nerve in Castiel. He had liked it, and if it hadn't been for a pressing engagement, he would have probably taken Dean up on his offer of a celebratory drink.
Gabriel's words spring to mind, protective of Dean, unnatural curiosity, getting closer and closer to toeing the line of humanity, of being human. Faith is hard to have, as it should be, but Castiel is getting exhausted. He wants to believe his Father is out there, biding his time, but the longer he searches, the less sure he becomes. Of anything, really, and that's what Dean offers. Something tangible, something he can touch and smell and maybe even taste himself one day. He knows of the women Dean brings back to the motel room, less now, and Castiel's not sure why, but Dean never wants for attention from the fairer sex.
Castiel understands the appeal, at least logically. Dean is attractive and offers women something to get lost in and something to save. They want him to settle down with them, to switch from whiskey to wine, from leather jackets to polo shirts and slacks. They want to domesticate him, show their girlfriends what they've bagged, but Castiel knows that will never happen. Not completely.
No, if anything, he wants to join Dean. More than he already has now, if Dean will let him. Dean will always be the older brother: for Sam, for Castiel, for whoever needs him. And the world is wanting, currently. Castiel leans his head against the window and watches a small beetle crawl up the outside of the car.
Castiel just wants to join him in his adventures, to be as free as Dean is. They share the daddy issues, the confused need to do the right thing, however hard it is to reach that point. And even if it is stilted sometimes, Dean has made it past those hurdles. Castiel is ready to follow suit, to chase after Dean in the hopes that he will conquer his own failings by following the path of someone who's succeeded at them.
A sharp crack near his head has Castiel falling backwards against the seat, looking around to find the source of the noise.
"Hey numbnuts!" Gabriel's voice rings through the forest, only slightly muffled by the car windows. "Hurry up before the fish go on their lunch break!"
Castiel tries to flip Gabriel off, mimicking Dean as best he can, but the gesture is awkward and his middle finger doesn't want to stand straight up by itself. Rummaging through the clothes Gabriel gave him, Castiel feels himself droop a little. There's a blue t-shirt, stiff new jeans, a long-sleeved shirt, boxers, and thick socks. With a sigh, Castiel tackles the shirts first.
When he finally opens the rear door again, Castiel feels like a new man. Or rather, someone ready for the first day of school. The new clothes are stiff and rough, cruder than Jimmy Novak's shirt and slacks. He's pulled the long-sleeved shirt on over the t-shirt, but Gabriel's right. The heat is already permeating the canopy and slowly making its way down to the forest floor. The socks are comfortable, even in the growing heat of the day, but without a new pair of shoes to go with them, Castiel's been forced to slip Jimmy's work shoes back on in order to make his way back to the clearing. The nice leather shoes have obviously not been made to be work with socks such as these, and Castiel slowly makes his way back to Gabriel.
"I was almost worried you had gotten lost in there," Gabriel teases him. Gabriel's been busy, and Castiel tries to think of how long he took to change. "And a recommendation? Take that top shirt off and tie it around your waist. All the cool kids are doing it."
There's a pile of tent pieces off to the side of the clearing, and several feet away is a fire pit, ringed with stones and several small logs to sit on. Castiel looks around as he pulls his over shirt off, tying it around his waist with a double knot.
"Is there anything I can do?" he asks, but it seems like Gabriel already has everything under control.
"Next on the list is lunch, which is going to be fish." Gabriel turns to face Castiel, a pair of hiking boots in hand. He offers them to Castiel as he walks by him. "I'm gonna grab the supplies from the trunk while you fix your footwear."
Looking at the number of hooks and holes on each boot, Castiel wishes his brother had left them some powers, however miniscule. But by the time Gabriel returns, rods, basket, and tackle box in hand, Castiel is finishing up the second knot on his right boot.
"Ready to get going?" Gabriel holds out the hand with the fishing rods.
"Do I have a choice in the matter?" Castiel accepts one of the rods, cautiously testing the weight.
"Oh, come on. You have to admit you're at least a little bit curious, right?" Gabriel grins at him, the gesture causing Castiel's stomach to knot in on itself. "Let's go." He starts off on another trail, this time in the opposite direction of the car.
Castiel hesitates before nodding. Gabriel's right. He doesn't want to admit it, especially to another angel, but Gabriel's already got him pegged. The lick of excitement up his spine is the same one that Dean's grin usually triggers, especially when accompanied by the promise of a challenge, an opportunity to do some good and work hard.
Gabriel's got him pegged, and Castiel's not sure if he should be more worried about that fact.
====
"There's a river right over here, I know it."
"Did you put it there?"
"You know, you're really damn cynical for an angel. I told you, powers are gone, the river is over there all on its own, and we're going fishing in it."
"Once you find it."
"You make it sound like I lost it or something. This is what camping's about. Exploring, hiking around..."
"Getting lost."
"If you're camping for the experience, you don't get lost. If you're acting as if you're on the freeway and you missed your exit? Then yes, we're lost. Come on Cas, unclench a little already."
Castiel is pretty sure they’ve already covered this side of the mountain, a fact Gabriel dismisses with a wave of his hand. Gabriel's boots are dirty, the smear of mud steadily creeping up his pants' legs the deeper they get into the underbrush. It's made up of mostly ferns and thin brush, whatever can flourish in the limited sunlight. The fishing rod Gabriel's carrying keep getting caught in the foliage, and it springs free with a whish, vibrating in Gabriel's grip.
Gabriel is almost out of sight, disappearing into the low hanging branches ahead of Castiel, but he can still hear a triumphant "Aha!" resounding moments later.
"You found the river?" Castiel calls out. He finds himself hopeful, encouraged that he might finally use the rod he's been carrying around for the past two hours.
"Something even better!" Gabriel calls out over his shoulder. Castiel pushes through the last few branches to break through the forest, ending up on a vast stretch of beach. It's more gravel and grit than fine sand, but the water stretches on for miles, tiny waves lapping at the beach.
"How did you even...?" Castiel glances around them, looking for any hint of civilization. All he can see are trees, the forest pressing close to the edge of the lake.
"Told you I knew where I was going." Gabriel's smug, balancing both the rods in one hand. "You ready to get started?"
"We're actually doing this?"
"You have anything better in mind? We're here, we have the gear, we'll need lunch and dinner at some point." Gabriel points out. "At least we know these fish will have died happy."
"Happiness will always be up for debate," Castiel absently comments, starting to walk down the beach. "What's that over there?"
Gabriel hesitates. "Possibly something that makes this whole fishing thing a lot easier?"
"You're telling me you managed to pick the one lake in the wilderness that came with a dock?"
"I may have made some adjustments before giving up my powers." Gabriel catches up to Castiel, his footsteps crunching on the rocks. "Don't tell me you don't like it."
Castiel shakes his head, slowing down to match his steps with Gabriel. "I like it."
Castiel's not sure how long they've been there, but he knows it's been awhile, the sun tipping over into the afternoon. The fish haven't shown up yet, and he shifts, restless. The back of his neck is hot, and when he touches it his fingertips come away warm. His stomach growls at him and Castiel grimaces, confused and annoyed at this new pain, and he hears a laugh from his right side. Gabriel had shunned his own dock when choosing fishing spots, and Castiel has to grudgingly admit that Gabriel picked the better location.
"Hunger sort of motivates you to actually catch one, doesn't it?" Gabriel checks his lure before casting his line out again, ripples echoing where it hits the smooth surface. Castiel can see at least three fish sticking out of the basket by Gabriel's feet, and he glares at his brother.
"This is all so easily preventable," Castiel tells him, setting his rod down on the dock before walking towards him. "Besides, you still haven't explained why you're wasting our time with this."
Gabriel doesn't react, but continues to stare out over the water, watching his line. He finally leans down, propping his pole up against a rock. Gabriel shoves sand and gravel against it until it stands on its own, and then he looks over at Castiel.
He steps towards Castiel, reaching out to place his palm on Castiel's forehead. Gabriel's fingers are cool and slightly damp, grains of sand stuck to his skin. It feels good though, and Castiel tries not to let his eyes close at the sensation.
"Still hurts?" Gabriel asks him, and Castiel nods, doing his best to keep his head from moving too much.
"A little."
"Based on what I saw you inhale last night, I'm betting your ass is still hung over. Although hangovers of this length are generally found in dumbass freshmen that are getting hazed or some shit. It should go away in a couple of hours though."Castiel grimaces at Gabriel's words.
Gabriel moves his hand lower, a quick light press over Castiel's heart. "And considering some of the things I heard you say as well?" Gabriel presses harder, and Castiel can feel a brief flare of power push against his chest. "Daddy doesn't love you anymore?" Castiel winces at the words, and hopes that his brother means it as a rhetorical question.
Gabriel doesn't wait for an answer, just moves his hand down to cover Castiel's belly, and Castiel's stomach grumbles at the additional disturbance.
"This one's hurting, right?" Gabriel asks, and he waits until Castiel nods. "This'll linger, just so you know. Stays with you until you eat, and then it'll get worse before it gets better."
Gabriel stares at Castiel's face until he looks up to meet his eyes. The wind picks up, blowing Gabriel's hair into his eyes, and Castiel is tempted to fix it for him. But Gabriel's hand is still pressed tight against him, and Castiel is finding it hard to concentrate on anything else but that.
"This is how Dean grew up, Cas. Sam too, but not as bad, cause Dean was the one sacrificing everything for him."
Castiel tenses at the words, because he knows they're true and he knows that whatever he's feeling now, Dean has felt it in much worse ways.
"This is what it means to be human, Cas." Gabriel's tone is softer now, and Castiel bows his head towards it. "To ache and hurt and keep fighting through it all, even if there is no guarantee of a silver lining. You're a warrior, brother, I know that, but your battles aren't like everyone else's. Sometimes it's the small things that crack you to your core and shatter your foundations. And those are the things that you have to get over, to beat back and conquer."
Gabriel's touch tightens against Castiel's stomach, fingertips dragging against the thin fabric. "And sometimes, the thing that's motivating you, kicking your ass and all that? It's not there forever. Especially with humans. I'm not trying to push you one way or another," Gabriel's voice rises slightly when Castiel opens his mouth, and he waits until Castiel relaxes again.
"I'm just saying. If you pin all your hopes and dreams and reasonings onto one single thing, one person, the shit's more likely to hit the fan and leave you with nothing. I don't want to be a downer, but that just seems to be the way things go, and I'll bet if you take a step back and think about it, you'd agree with me."
Castiel's gaze drops down, doing anything to avoid Gabriel's eyes. He watches Gabriel's hand instead, how it shifts and flexes with every breath, the fingers tense against Castiel's belly.
"If something happens to the Winchesters, to Dean..." Gabriel trails off for a moment. "Or if nothing happens to him, and he finds a chick and starts a family and settles down. Or hell, bromances it up with his brother in some awkward bachelor setup, what are you going to do then, Cas? What are you going to do when you're not the first one Dean turns to, calls up to the heavens for? You gotta figure that out now, so you can steel yourself and get yourself ready, cause at some point, something's gonna happen that you're not going to like, but you still have to keep your shit together and function."
"How?"
Gabriel stares at him for a moment before bursting out laughing, and Castiel can feel the reverberations through his stomach.
"Fuck if I know, bro." Gabriel shakes his head, still smiling. "Main thing is that you're aware of it, and that you'll have to deal with it at some point. Fixing it is optional."
"Well, that was an optimistic pep talk," Castiel tells him dryly, and he can hear the Winchesters in the sarcasm. He hadn't realized that he was picking up that much from them, and while in the past the idea would have been comforting, now it just unsettles him. What other habits of theirs has he picked up along the journey so far? "Now what?"
"Now we head back to the campsite and get these bad boys cleaned up and cooking." Gabriel looks disappointed at the task. "Should've kept the powers for just a little bit longer."
"You didn't bring any food?" He had never cared for food before this moment, but with the sharpening pain in his stomach, Castiel finds his annoyance at Gabriel irrationally growing in leaps and bounds. "You didn't plan ahead for when the fish don't bite?"
"Oh, but the fish bit. They're just a bitch to clean. And I have hot dogs in the cooler, but they're more of a back-up plan." Gabriel pulls away, turning to go grab the fishing supplies, and Castiel finds his stomach quickly aching more with the sudden absence of warmth and touch than the need to eat.
Castiel shakes his head, watching his brother collect everything. A smug smile appears on Gabriel's face when he picks up the basket of fish, and even though it's warranted, it still rubs Castiel the wrong way.
"I'll meet you back there!" Castiel calls out as he walks away, moving his feet with an intent that catches him off-guard. It reminds him of Dean, something else to blame his brother for, and for a brief moment Castiel imagines the weight of the Impala keys in his hand, a heavier leather jacket taking the place of his coat, the satisfying slam of a motel door behind him. He's seen it too many times to count, watching Dean while invisible to everyone, perched to the side, but there were times he felt Dean recognize him. The twist of leaves caught up in a breeze, his wings beating too hard, and Dean would look up as if he could see Castiel, clear as day.
Or maybe Gabriel's right, and that's in Castiel's head, never having its own legs to stand on. That Castiel is a resource, the Winchesters are vessels, and the Impala is modern invention of cold steel and mechanics, nothing more.
Castiel is caught up in his thoughts, feet a heavy beat against the packed earth, baked to dust by the direct sunlight, that when a hand grabs his shoulder his first reaction is to swing out. Fingers close around his fist, accompanied by a chuckle.
"Man, you're caught up in your own world there." Gabriel swipes his thumb over Castiel's pulse point before letting go. "No need to freak, but what's up? Didn't you hear me calling your name?"
Castiel shakes his head, earning him a strange look from Gabriel. "Found something over here that'll make you a much happier camper. No pun intended," he adds. "Come on."
Castiel follows after him, curious as to what he could have discovered. Gabriel leads him off the path, down a narrow deer trail that Castiel would have never picked out on his own. Low hanging branches bat at Castiel's head, and he ducks down to avoid them. When he stands again, he almost runs into Gabriel, who's stopped suddenly in the middle of the path.
"Voila," Gabriel says with a flourish, extending one arm out. "Happy eatings and all that."
"What is all this?"
"Blackberry bushes, my dear. Warm and fresh off the bramble. Be careful with the pokey bits, but other than that, knock yourself out. If you need it, there's a blade in the basket you can use on the bigger branches." That said, Gabriel heads to the nearest one, delicately plucking off several berries before tipping them into his mouth.
Castiel has a passing familiarity with them, mainly through Dean and his love affair with the pie menu. But the dripping messes the waitresses always brought out never looked appetizing: too sticky, too sweet, in a plastic sugar way. Always enfolded in flakey crusts that were just stale enough to be unsettling.
He approaches a bush carefully, eyeing the multitudes of miniscule thorns covering the vines. Reaching in to grab a large berry, the vines rasp against his skin, leaving a reddened mark but no punctures. Castiel has to fight with the berry, using more force until finally it gives in and collapses under his fingertips. Reddish-black liquid smears over his fingers, and he can hear Gabriel chuckling at his attempt.
"Gotta use a little less pressure and start from the base. You know, like you do," Gabriel leers. "But remember, be gentle."
Castiel ignores him, reaching up to the next berry. They're all huge here, skins stretched taut, as if just looking at them wrong would cause them to burst open. This one is more successful, only partially giving in under the pads of his fingers. Castiel can feel Gabriel's eyes on him when he places the berry in his mouth. The juice seeps across his tongue, a sharp bitterness that makes him think that it's still too soon, that they're still ripening on the branches. But when he bites down, a sweetness follows, leaving only a hint of tartness in the back of his throat.
Castiel can't stop the soft noise that follows, a mix of satisfaction and happiness he hadn't thought possible to find in such a small object. He can hear Gabriel chuckle, but his brother doesn't say anything, too busy collecting his own berries.
Time slips away from Castiel's focus the further back he explores and the more berries he eats. The patches of space between the thicker blackberry bushes are filled with small clutters of vivid green grass and tiny wildflowers. They're shades of pale blue and pink, the centers highlighted in white and yellow, the blossoms smaller than his fingernail. They're everywhere, he realizes, growing in thick clumps everywhere he looks.
When Gabriel wanders over, Castiel's fingers are stained a dark red, his forearms pink. His brother lets out a sharp bark of laughter when he finally takes in all of Castiel.
"You're gonna be aching tomorrow," he circles around Castiel, pausing at his side. Without any warning, Castiel can feel his t-shirt being pulled back, Gabriel's breath hitting the back of his neck. "Oh man, Cas, you're gonna kill me."
"What?"
"But if it makes you feel better, I didn't wear sunscreen either. And this is one of the most universal feelings shared among all of mankind: a really crappy sunburn. And there's aloe back at camp."
"It doesn't help." Castiel can feel the ache throughout his shoulders, and while he had thought it was just from the physical exertions so far, there's a deeper pain starting to rise up.
"Let me try something else." Gabriel moves back, gently letting go of the shirt so that it didn't hit Castiel's skin. When Castiel twists around, Gabriel's crouched down, fingers busy on his pants. "Man, I've wanted to try these out forever."
"Like the beard?"
"Sort of. The beard will get my laid. These won't." Gabriel unzips part of his pants leg, going around his leg until the bottom half of the garment comes off. "See? Instant shorts."
Castiel is at a loss for words, which Gabriel seems to take as approval. He stands back up, folding one leg remnant into a square and tucking it into his pocket. The other one he keeps out, heading over to the bushes.
"And now we can collect berries for later on. Sound good?"
Castiel finds himself agreeing, caught up in the gleeful expression on Gabriel's face. He moves to join him, their fingers busy on the vines, until the fabric is heavy with berries. Castiel heads back towards the path, stopping to pick up the rods and supplies.
"Hey," Gabriel's voice seems close by, and when Castiel straightens up he finds his brother walking up to stand right next to him. "Open up."
Castiel's mouth starts to open automatically, and before he knows it Gabriel's holding a berry up and carefully sliding it between his lips. "One for the trip back," Gabriel murmurs, a fingertip hesitating on Castiel's lower lip.
This one seems far sweeter than all the others he's had today, and Castiel licks his lips. His tongue catches on Gabriel's finger; accidentally at first, but when he sees the way Gabriel's eyes widen at the touch, he does it again, slower this time. Castiel doesn't know what's motivating this, what draw there is in getting a rise out of Gabriel. But it's having the same effect on him, his breathing getting quicker, a knot growing low in his belly.
"Umm. We should probably go, get back to camp and take care of things." Gabriel's voice is shaky, something that pleases Castiel more than it should. Any other time he would feel ashamed, but now all he wants to do is grab Gabriel's wrist and do the same thing to all of his other fingers.
"What things?" Castiel talking jumps them both into gear, Gabriel's hand falling back down to his side.
"The fish and berries. And stuff. Still have to put the tent up." Gabriel shifts from one foot to the other, seemingly awkward but not breaking away from watching Castiel's face.
"Right..." Castiel doesn't want to let the moment go, not knowing when it may show itself again. But the sun is finally starting to sink lower, brushing against the tops of the trees, and he doesn't want to be caught out here in the darkness. "I'll follow you."
"Deal," Gabriel smiles, his pupils still wide as he moves past Castiel to the trail. "Just don't stare at my ass too hard."
Part 2