Paternal A-holes

[ptechnix]

As much as it pains me to say it, sometimes, my dad can be a fucking asshole. What the hell is it with some men that think they can say and do whatever the hell they want with complete impunity? That's one of the things I don't miss about being home, witnessing my dad go on one of his assholish tirades like a spoilt brat. On the flip side, I'm glad

Comments

[claypot]

Gosh. I guess I'm lucky I don't have a father or boyfriend like that. I can't help but wonder though, what *do* you say to them? I mean, it sounds like there is no gentle way of putting it to them. I guess you have to bark back at them?

[ptechnix]

Generally for me, I take smartass shots to point out the flaws in his logic, or to highlight his hypocrisy. Eventually he goes silent, something he doesn't really do to my mother.

He may have the last mutter, but he will not have last say. Walking off and having the last say to himself doesn't count.

You do have to bark back at them. I do so by using all his own words against him. Because everything he usually accuses others of, he's guilty off himself x10. So when he says it's different, I counter that it's not, explain, and he eventually clams up.

Arguing in the face of logic just makes a person look silly when they come around. Same theory applies to corporate management :)

[balletpumps]

It's true, though. You can't be with someone and hope that they will change for the better.

Glad u r blogging more, M!

[ptechnix]

Thanks Pam, I'm trying to get back into it :) However, the will to do so just ebbs and flows like the tides...

Damn you will, be consistent!

[ptechnix]

Well it's definitely a personality fault, but I don't necessarily think it's related to insecurity, even though it can be. I just think it's a natural expectation, or habit, that has been left unchecked. Just like leaving the toilet seat up or drinking from the milk carton.

Habits don't change unless actions are taken to correct them by internal will or external force. In most cases the man is the dominating force, because that's just the way traditional society was. However, women do easily play this role and it's also quite evident in various partnerships and cultures. Especially in Western cultures where women are more independent and vocal.

The stronger personality always wins, because I think many traditional unions had equal but opposing scales of balance in terms of will. Where one part is dominant, the other is submissive. But thankfully, I think those days are numbered where many modern unions now have a larger focus on equality and compatibility. Whew!

[dieseldawn]

"I swore that when I was old enough and free of my dependence on him, I would take his bullshit no longer"

I think that is the nub of it. You wrote that you only starting standing your ground after you realised that if he kicked you out of your house, you were ok as you were dependant.

I suppose your mom is always dependent on him (not only for money, but love and resistance to change) so it makes it that much harder to stand up, given that she's got a lot more to lose.

But hurray for your philosophy, it's also applicable to cats- and you would probably know that it's great for dogs too, especially when there is unauthorised peeing!!

[ptechnix]

Technically yes, but I know he would never ever kick me out of the house, nor threaten it. It was more so that I would walk out the house and never need return, push comes to shove

[ze_succubus]

My dad used to beat me up pretty bad, not often, I think about 5 times between 10 and 21 but badly. And I remember calling him a chauvinist pig when I was 21 and left the house and stayed away for 2 weeks, the fight was about the way he treats my mom. My mom stood by him and made me apologise and come home. I did tell him that - that was the last time he was going to hit me and I didn't care anymore what happens to the family I had enough and I was gonna report him. He never hit me or my brothers again and he's never hit my Mom ever. He's mellowed A LOT after that.

I love him and he's in general a great protective dad... I just never want to see my own husband hit my kids like that ever, cos I wouldn't stand by him.

[ptechnix]

I'm really sorry to hear that. My dad beat me (discipline), but never beat me up. Though I guess it's a fine line... The ass beatings were damn hard though and I did learn my lessons and more importantly, understood why.

But it's great that he listened and bowed to your ultimatum. Sometimes I think that is really what it takes. A huge shock to the system. I think humans are just like that in general, you know, the whole frog and hot water analogy. You really need to hit someone with the proverbial taser to get them to wake up and change. Sometimes, I think the only way for him to change is my mom to walk out on him... for a while.

So happy though to hear that your dad has changed the way he treats you and your mom, and things like that give me hope. Thanks so much for sharing!

[ze_succubus]

I think it's really hard for a mother (even with grown children) to up and go (even for awhile), especially asian women. My mom wouldn't ever do that, she's said so herself.