Let's Play Homestuck
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Act 4: Flight of the Paradox Clones
Part 6: Derse
Link back to comic: Page 1641
Months in the future, but not many...
[S] Dave: Accelerate.
CALSPRITE: HAA HAA HEE HEE HOO HOO
DAVE: shut up
CALSPRITE: HOO HOO HAA HAA HEE HEE
CALSPRITE: HEE HEE HAA HAA HOO HOO
DAVE: please
DAVE: just once
DAVE: shut the hell up
CALSPRITE: HOO HOO HAA HEE HEE HOO
CALSPRITE: HOO HOO HEE HAA HEE HAA
CALSPRITE: HAA HAA HAA HAA HAA HAA
DAVE: shut
CALSPRITE: HAA HAA HEE HEE HOO HOO
DAVE: the
CALSPRITE: HAA HAA HEE HEE HOO HOO
DAVE: fuck
CALSPRITE: HAA HAA HEE HEE HOO HOO
DAVE: up
CALSPRITE:
TG: thats it i cant take it anymore
TG: it was such a huge mistake prototyping seppucrow with this useless mindnumbing jackass
TG: im going back
TT: Already?
TG: i dont know im kind of losing track of how long its been with all this time hopping
TT: I thought we planned to progress as far as we could before you went back.
TT: To gather information, and avoid repeating mistakes.
TG: what else is there to know
TG: we lost
TG: cant finish the game with a dead heir and witch
TT: We don't know Jade is dead for sure.
TG: yeah well she had a big fucking meteor bearing down on her and we never heard from her again
TG: or the trolls for that matter
TG: and since john died he couldnt get jade in on time so whether shes alive or not shes as good as dead from our perspective
TT: Are you sure you're ready?
TT: You'll remember the plan we discussed?
TG: theres not much to remember
TG: i go back and tell john not to be an idiot and get trolled like such a gullible stooge
TG: i dont know what he was thinking
TG: even we couldnt kill one of those things yet
TT: Maybe I'm just not as comfortable with time travel as you.
TT: After you go, what do you think will happen to me?
TT: Will I just cease to exist?
TG: i dont know
TG: i mean your whole timeline will
TG: maybe
TT: Is there a chance it'll continue to exist, and I'll just be here alone forever?
TT: I'm not sure which outcome is more unsettling.
TG: the thing with time travel is
TG: you cant overthink it
TG: try going to sleep
TG: our dream selves kind of operate outside the normal time continuum i think
TG: so if part of you from this timelines going to persist thats probably the way to make it happen
TG: and hey you might even be able to help your past dream self wake up sooner without all that fuss you went through
TT: I think the true purpose of this game is to see how many qualifiers we can get to precede the word "self" and still understand what we're talking about.
TG: the true purpose is to make a sprite that doesnt make me want to flog myself raw with my own brain stem
TT: If my past self can wake up sooner, maybe I'll be the one to visit you first this time.
TT: I'll fly by and remind you you're already awake and don't know it.
TG: yeah thatd be cool i guess
TG: im gonna go now
TT: Good luck.
Back in the present...
TG: WAIT
EB: what?
TG: dont go yet
TG: somethings up
TG: ok its me from the future
EB: huh?
TG: its me
TG: from the future
TG: wearing a rad suit
TG: he says dont go
TG: or youre gonna die
EB: pfffff.
EB: what kind of gullible stooge do you think i am?
TG: he says i dunno gullible enough to trust a leetspeaking troll who wants you dead and strap on a rocket pack cause she said to
EB: if future you is real, then why don't you let me talk to him.
TG: do you hear what youre saying oh my god
TG: this guy is me if i get him to talk to you youre just talking to me again jesus it proves nothing
EB: hold on, someone else is bugging me.
-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] --
TG: john stop being a tool and unbuckle yourself from that piece of shit
TG: if our friendship means anything youll listen to me and past dave
TG: this is future dave by the way
EB: wow, you're really pulling out all the stops for this stunt!
EB: you're kind of going through a lot of trouble actually, i don't know why you're bothering with this.
TG: yeah exactly why would i bother
TG: this sort of cornball horseshit is your cup of tea not mine
TG: dont make me track you down through time and stop you in person
EB: you can't track down through time WHAT YOU CAN'T CATCH!
EB: pchoooooo!
TG: oh god did you just blast off
EB: no...
EB: but that would have been sweet if i did just then.
TG: ok well just dont ok
TG: im turning this timeline over to past dave
TG: and helping you all stay alive and do this thing the right way this time
TG: just stay on the goddamn ground for fucks sake
EB: ok, i guess...
Time to make a proper wise asshole sprite.
DAVE: hey
DAVESPRITE: sup
-- turntechGodhead [TG] began trolling gallowsCalibrator [GC] --
TG: dont talk to john anymore hes an impressionable doofus
TG: your plan didnt work
TG: so you might as well quit trying
GC: YOU SM3LL L1K3 OR4NG3 CR34MS1CL3S
TG: youre aliens do you even have orange creamsicles
GC: OF COURS3 WH4T K1ND OF 4WFUL C1V1L1Z4T1ON WOULDNT 1NV3NT OR4NG3 CR34MS1CL3S
TG: ok pretty far fetched but whatever
TG: no more hijinks from you cause ill make sure they wont work
GC: W3LL OBV1OUSLY 1 KN3W 1T W4SNT GO1NG TO WORK
GC: MY FR13NDS H4V3 B33N T4LK1NG TO JOHN FROM TH3 FUTUR3
GC: YOUR FUTUR3
GC: WH3R3 H3S NOT D34D
GC: SO TH3R3 W4S NO W4Y WH4T 1 D1D W4S GO1NG TO K1LL H1M
TG: i dont think youre following
TG: you DID kill him sort of
TG: then i went back in time to stop him
GC: Y34H 1 G3USS3D TH3R3 W4S 4 CH4NC3 SOM3TH1NG L1K3 TH4T M1GHT H4PP3N
TG: did you guess that by trolling john to his grave
TG: and making me splinter us off into an alt timeline
TG: that you were basically complicit in making our timeline go the way it was supposed to go all along
TG: thus leading you all to troll us incompetently
GC: OH
GC: NO >:[
TG: yeah
TG: see
TG: none of you ever thinks anything through
TG: whos in charge of timeline management there
GC: SH3 DO3SNT W4NT TO T4LK TO 4NY OF YOU
GC: 4ND H4S M1SG1V1NGS 4BOUT TH1S WHOL3 TH1NG
GC: NOT 4LL OF US 4R3 TH4T 3NTHUS1AST1C 4BOUT TROLL1NG YOU GUYS
TG: well at least you got john to off himself so i guess youre not totally incompetent like the others
TG: like that awful rapper
GC: SO JOHN 4CTU4LLY D1D WH4T 1 S41D?
TG: yeah
TG: huge pushover
GC: NOW 1 F33L K1ND4 B4D
GC: 4R3 YOU SUR3 1 C4NT T4LK TO H1M
GC: 3V3N 1F 1TS JUST TO 4POLOG1Z3
TG: yeah thats fine i guess
TG: no more coy bullshit antics though
GC: OR WH4T
GC: YOUR3 GO1NG TO HUNT M3 DOWN THROUGH T1M3 OOOOOH OH NO
TG: yeah
TG: i just merged with an impaled orange goddamn bird and now i got all these crazy powers
GC: UGH
GC: S3LF PROTOTYP1NG SO DUMB
GC: H3Y D4V3
GC: 1S TH1S YOU
TG: oh jegus fuck no
TG: why would that breathtaking douche remind you of me at all
TG: do i seem like the kind of guy whod accept a magic ring from whoopi goldberg
GC: OK 1 M4D3 SOM3 MOD1F1C4T1ONS
GC: TH1S 1S SO YOU D4V3 COM3 ON 4DM1T 1T
TG: ahahahahaha
TG: ok yeah that is pretty much fucking spot on
TG: youre actually a pretty good troll
GC: TH4NKS D4V3
GC: TO B3 F41R
GC: 1M SUR3 3V3RY ON3 OF US W1SH3S W3 THOUGHT OF FUTUR3 S3LF PROTOTYP1NG F1RST
GC: SO
GC: YOUR3 NOT R34LLY 4LL TH4T T3RR1BL3 >;]
DAVE: who were you talking to
DAVESPRITE: just telling a troll to step off
DAVE: ok cool
DAVE: so now that youre a sprite
DAVE: do you know everything about the game
DAVESPRITE: well i knew a lot anyway
DAVESPRITE: cause im from the future
DAVESPRITE: but yeah i know more stuff now
DAVESPRITE: but packaged in these like
DAVESPRITE: i guess riddles
DAVESPRITE: im supposed to be cagey about it
DAVESPRITE: but i dont really feel like it
DAVESPRITE: ask me anything go ahead ill give you a straight answer
DAVE: alright
DAVE: here goes
DAVE: why are we so fucking awesome
DAVESPRITE: thats the best fucking question anybody ever asked
DAVE: yeah
DAVE: so is everything cool with this john business
DAVESPRITE: if he decides to wise up and listen to us
DAVESPRITE: if not then we just bail everyone out yet again
DAVESPRITE: all that gear you picked up should let you breeze through the first couple gates
DAVESPRITE: later youll unlock the ability to bring your sprite down with you
DAVESPRITE: and well take care of shit together
DAVESPRITE: til then i guess just mess around and let jade build up or whatever
DAVESPRITE: ill go kill some time
DAVESPRITE: maybe draw some comics
DAVE: like what
DAVESPRITE: i dont know
DAVESPRITE: whats the last one you did
DAVE: i was in the middle of the nancho party arc
DAVESPRITE: oh yeah
DAVESPRITE: i gave up on that half way through
DAVE: yeah that was sorta the plan
DAVE: making a ten part story about nachos was always a bullshit idea
DAVESPRITE: lets do some brainstorming later
DAVESPRITE: blow everyones minds
DAVE: yeah sure
Pages in the past, but not many...
You just got the best Con Air memorabilia present of all time.
OF ALL TIME.
so hey
since its your bday i had to get you back for the sick memorabilia you got me so i got you this godawful thing and now i just know youre standing there flipping your shit over it so youre welcome.
its the actual gross bunny in the movie so that means nick cage actually grubbed it up with his clownish no talent fingers. i would suggest you put it somewhere and display it ironically but i know youre dead serious about this ridiculous shit so youll probably sleep with the damn thing and nibble its ear and stuff.
but the weird thing is thats whats cool about you. youre this naive guy like pinocchio tumbled ass backwards off the turnip truck and started liking ghostbusters. then the fairy godmother kissed your nose or some shit and you turned out to be not made of wood and also pretty cool to talk to. one day your gooberish ways are gonna land you in a jam and i know im going to have to get you off the hook but its cool i got your back bro.
then we'll meet and hug bump and get each others filthy wife beaters that much filthier so yeah
peace dawg
tg
I guess this is the true meaning
of this human emotion called friendship.
CG: I KEEP SCROLLING BACKWARDS THROUGH YOUR ADVENTURE.
CG: TRYING TO PIECE TOGETHER HOW YOU BOTCH THIS UP SO BADLY.
CG: AND I KEEP FINDING THESE STRIKING POCKETS OF FOOLISHNESS.
CG: LIKE WHAT YOU'RE DOING NOW.
CG: RIDING YOUR LITTLE RED ROCKET.
CG: LIKE YOU ARE A FRESHLY HATCHED HUMAN LARVA AND THIS IS JUST ALL A BIG SCHOOLHIVE RUMPUS RESPITE.
EB: humans aren't hatched as larvae dummy.
EB: we don't hatch at all.
EB: we are born as these like little pink monkeys called babies.
CG: BULLSHIT.
CG: THAT'S NOT WHAT YOU JUST TOLD ME.
CG: I'LL PASTE WHAT YOU SAID.
CG: EB: this is really weird...
CG: CG: WHAT'S SO WEIRD ABOUT IT.
CG: EB: well, normally humans hatch...
CG: EB: from like these slimy pods.
CG: EB: then we wriggle out as a little pink larva.
CG: CG: OH REALLY.
CG: CG: HUH, MAYBE WE HAVE MORE IN COMMON THAN I THOUGHT.
EB: hahaha!
EB: i was punking you dude!
CG: ARGH.
CG: WHY WOULD YOU TRICK ME ABOUT THAT, WHAT IS EVEN THE POINT.
EB: i don't know, it was just a friendly prank.
EB: don't you ever play pranks?
EB: i mean, of course you do, one of you just tried to prank me good.
CG: WELL FINE.
CG: I GUESS YOU GOT ME BACK, SORT OF.
CG: FOR MY TROLLING, EVEN THOUGH YOU HAVEN'T EVEN READ MY WORST TROLLING EFFORTS YET.
CG: BECAUSE THEY HAPPEN IN YOUR FUTURE.
CG: AND EVEN THEN YOU DIDN'T EVEN MIND MUCH, ALMOST LIKE YOU WERE DELIGHTED TO HEAR IT.
CG: KIND OF PERVERSE REALLY, WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?
EB: look, you're going to have to face it at some point...
EB: that you're learning the meaning of this human emotion called friendship.
CG: IS FRIENDSHIP REALLY AN EMOTION?
EB: yes, absolutely.
CG: THIS IS SO FRUSTRATING.
CG: EVERY TIME I GO FURTHER BACK INTO YOUR PAST AND TALK TO YOU, YOU SAY STUFF THAT PERTAINS TO MY IMMEDIATE FUTURE.
CG: AND THEN YOU WON'T EXPLAIN TO ME WHAT'S GOING ON, BECAUSE IT'S ALREADY OLD NEWS FOR YOU.
EB: dude, you've been doing the same exact thing!!!
CG: I'VE DONE NO SUCH THING.
CG: I'VE BEEN EXCEPTIONALLY INFORMATIVE AND HELPFUL.
CG: SO GO AHEAD, ASK ME ANYTHING.
EB: ok...
EB: what's the point of the game.
CG: ASK SOMETHING ELSE.
CG: ALREADY TOLD YOU THAT.
CG: IT WAS THIS WHOLE BIG CONVERSATION WE HAD.
EB: where are you now?
EB: are you in your house right now, or in one of your magical lands, or what?
CG: WE'RE HIDING IN THE VEIL.
CG: WHAT'S LEFT OF IT.
EB: what's that?
CG: IT'S A HUGE BELT OF METEORS
CG: ORBITING WAY OUTSIDE SKAIA, BEYOND THE ORBIT OF THE PLANETS
CG: DIVIDING THE MEDIUM FROM THE FURTHEST RING
CG: WHERE DERSE ORBITS.
EB: derse?
CG: THE DARK PLANET.
CG: PROSPIT'S THE LIGHT ONE NEAR SKAIA.
EB: ok, so the veil is a bunch of meteors...
EB: what do you mean "what's left of it"?
CG: OK, THERE COMES A TIME WHEN BLACK INEVITABLY BEATS WHITE
CG: ON THE BATTLEFIELD IN THE CENTER OF SKAIA
CG: THE WHITE KING IS CAPTURED OR KILLED OR SOMETHING
CG: THE RULERS OF DERSE
CG: THE BLACK KING AND QUEEN
CG: GET THE POWER TO SEND THE VEIL TOWARD SKAIA
CG: TO DESTROY IT
CG: THAT KIND OF STARTS YOUR BIG "COUNTDOWN"
CG: WHEN SHIT GETS SERIOUS.
EB: so then it's up to us to save it?
CG: YEAH, YOU HAVE THAT LONG TO KILL THE BLACK QUEEN AND KING
CG: AND SKAIA ITSELF SORT OF BUYS YOU SOME TIME
CG: BY ACTIVATING ITS DEFENSE PORTALS
CG: TO CATCH SOME OF THE METEORS
CG: BUT THERE'S ONLY SO MUCH OF THEM SKAIA CAN ABSORB FOR YOU.
EB: ok, but it sounds like we've got plenty of time before that happens, right?
CG: ORDINARILY YOU WOULD BUT
CG: YOUR RECKONING STARTS MUCH SOONER
CG: BECAUSE OF SOME DUMB THINGS YOU'VE DONE
CG: YOU COMPLETELY BLEW IT ALREADY AND YOU HAVE NO CHANCE OF WINNING ANYMORE
CG: WHICH ORDINARILY WOULD BE FINE
CG: IT'S WHAT YOU DO LATER THAT CAUSES SO MUCH MORE TROUBLE THAN THAT
CG: AND NOW WE HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT TOO.
EB: oh no...
EB: what is it?
CG: ALREADY TOLD YOU.
EB: maybe you're wrong!
EB: maybe there's something we can still do to stop it, if you just help us?
CG: I'M NOT WRONG, IT'S ALL RIGHT HERE IN FRONT OF ME, YOU FUCK UP ROYALLY, END OF STORY.
EB: ok, we'll see about that, mr. sourbulge.
EB: can you give a message to GC for me?
EB: tell her nice try.
CG: WHY WOULD I GIVE HER A MESSAGE FOR YOU
CG: DO IT YOURSELF, I'M NOT A RELAY SERVICE.
EB: oh, well i thought you'd be cool with it since you asked me to give her a message for you last time.
EB: but whatever.
CG: I FIND THAT HIGHLY IMPLAUSIBLE.
CG: I'M NOT FALLING FOR ANY MORE OF YOUR HUMAN PRANKS.
CG: "NICE TRY" JOHN
CG: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling ectoBiologist [GC] --
Meanwhile, on Derse...
[S] Jack: Ascend.
ANIMATION LOG:
Archagent Jack Noir considers the unthinkable.
Meanwhile, the Black Queen he so despises appears to talk to him about his wardrobe.
There's only so much a furious ball of loathing like Jack can take.
Meanwhile, Rose finds out what she unconsciously wrote on the walls of her room.
It looks like gibberish...
...or maybe a code?
At the same time, the guardians of our heroes are tearing their way through the Medium.
The Black Queen is tired of Jack's insubordination.
But he's more tired of her.
Using whatever was in the parcel destined for John, Jack cuts the black ring from the Queen's finger, taking with it her power.
Jack takes Queen.
And to the victor go the spoils.
Gaining the power from the three prototypings that have been transmitted to each kingdom so far...
Jack ascends.
NEXT CHAPTER: Gratuitous meta bullshit.
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