Let's Play Homestuck
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Act 4: Flight of the Paradox Clones
Part 7: Hussienasty
Link back to comic: Page 1670
Now, continuing the story of...
...oh, hell no.
Who turned the fourth wall on? This is a terrible idea.
Oh god, he's looking this way! Act natural!
I really wish my side of the wall had an off switch.
Cal, please, not now.
Hussie, just. Go back to drawing Homestuck, before this gets any more self-indulgent.
Oh, but I don't merely draw Homestuck...
I CONJURE THIS INTREPID FANTASYSCAPE WITH TEARS BLED FROM THE WISDOM-WEARY EYES OF FIFTY THOUSAND IMAGINARY MAGICIANS. I PULL HEAVY DRAGS FROM THE BRUMES OF INSPIRATION WITH ENCHANTED BELLOWS MARAUDED FROM A GUILD OF CHURLISH MYTHICAL DWARVES. VAST BULBOUS RIDDLESPIDERS PUSH THE SILKEN STRANDS OF PURE WHIMSY THROUGH HIDEOUS ABDOMINAL SPINNERETS AND IT IS THAT WITH WHICH I WEAVE THIS AUDACIOUS COCOON OF EXQUISITE LIES. AND WHEN IT HATCHES A GREAT MOTH OF TITILLATION WILL AWAKEN AND ROAR AND BEAT ITS WINGS, AND THE POWDER SETTLING DOWN WILL ARREST THE HUMORS OF AN ENORMOUS TERRIBLE OLD BEGGAR, RELAXING THE VULTUROUS LEATHERY VICEGRIP HE'S FIXED AROUND YOUR CAPTIVE MIND.
Oh my god, shut up and get back to drawing.
Sure.
How about if I drag the content from one of the John files under the fourth wall layer, so we can make a more graceful transition out of this ludicrous, highly disruptive self-insertion arc?
Sounds like a good idea.
Much better.
So, John, right?
-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] sent ectoBiologist [EB] the file "LOW4SM4P.FL4" --
EB: what's this?
GC: 1T'S YOUR WORLD M4P
GC: W1TH YOUR S3COND G4T3 L4B3L3D
EB: oh man, let me drop everything and go there, because i'm in such a huge hurry to take more of your advice!
GC: G1V3 M3 ON3 OF YOUR HUM4N BR34KS
GC: 1 F33L 4WFUL 4BOUT K1LL1NG YOU
EB: i don't know, i thought you were ok for a while, but now you are kind of giving me the creeps!
GC: J3GUS JOHN
GC: W1LL YOU PL34S3 FOLLOW TH3 M4P?????
GC: L3T M3 34RN YOUR TRUST
GC: 1F YOU DONT L1K3 WH4TS ON TH3 OTH3R S1D3 OF TH3 G4T3
GC: YOU C4N JUST TURN 4ROUND!
EB: um...
EB: ok.
...!
Your circuitous journey has led you to... Rose's house?
TG: wow ok
TG: youre a little early
EB: ARGH!
EB: she tricked me again.
TG: who
EB: GC.
EB: she told me how to get to the 2nd gate.
EB: so i went through, but it took me to rose's house instead.
TG: dude you did go through the second gate
EB: oh...
EB: then, i don't really get this.
TG: the progression of gates is like this whole round robin thing
TG: gate 2 on your planet leads to gate 2 on roses
TG: then you build up to gate 3 above her house which leads somewhere else on her planet
TG: you look for gate 4 somewhere there
TG: which leads to gate 4 above my house
EB: wow, ok.
EB: how do you know all this?
TG: fuck
TG: come on dude
EB: oh yeah...
EB: hey no offense, but do you think i could talk to the real dave for a second?
TG: god dammit
TG: i am the real dave
TG: you know the one who saved your life
TG: here look check out this code from the future not that you deserve it WIin189Q
TG: youre fucking welcome
EB: wow, calm down!
EB: i'm sorry, that's not really what i meant...
EB: the dave from my time is also my friend, and i guess he's in the same boat i'm in, not knowing stuff and all.
EB: and i'd feel bad keeping him out of the loop!
-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] --
TG: yo
EB: i think i pissed off your future self.
EB: i said he wasn't the real dave.
TG: ahahahahaha
TG: dont worry about it
TG: cause i wouldnt give a shit
TG: and hes me
EB: i'm in rose's room by the way.
TG: what
TG: really
EB: yeah, but she's asleep!
TG: dont go anywhere
TG: im coming down to the computer
EB: ok.
TG: dave is here he wants to use the computer
TG: probably to help you scope out roses room and snoop and stuff
TG: i mean thats what i would have done
EB: hey dave...
TG: what
EB: in case i forgot to say so before...
EB: thanks for saving my life!
TG: yeah
-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] --
TG: ok i dont know what youre doing here
TG: but i think we can both agree that youve got to rummage through as much of her shit as possible before she wakes up
EB: man, i don't know how i feel about that!
TG: fine dont
TG: but here just do this one thing
TG: see those two notebooks on the floor behind you
EB: they look sorta like journals.
EB: i don't think i should read those!
TG: you dont have to read them im not telling you to
TG: what kind of prying tool do you take me for
TG: just pick them up
EB: uh, ok.
TG: now i need you to do something else
TG: this is important
TG: like for important game reasons and stuff
TG: take the card the books are on
TG: flip it over
TG: so you can see the code
EB: wait a minute!
EB: i see what you're trying to do.
EB: i won't tell you the code for rose's books!
TG: dude you dont have to tell me the code
TG: just flip it over and let me know if theres a code there thats all
EB: i guess.
EB: yeah there's a code.
John forgot that you can view Rose's world via the server link, apparently.
You now have the codes for Rose's journals.
Meanwhile, on Derse!
Rose's dreamself is looking for someone.
There he is! All spaced out and sleeping at his desk.
Let's wake him up.
TG: afdsjjjjjjjjvfffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff
Looks like Dave's being a jackass again.
Rose's birthday package to you is here. You must be strong, though, and resist the siren-like temptation to oh screw it you look in the box.
John,
I never got to thank you properly for your gift. Yes, the words were there. Language comprising the familiar veneer of gratitude rubbing off with each tired favor traded for. A God bless to a sneeze or a few pennies cradled in a receipt. Perhaps it's the deplorable romantic in me, but I thought your present, and your friendship, demanded reciprocation surpassing by some degree the utterly meaningless.
The proper thanks I thought would be a demonstration that your offering was not in vain. Yes, maybe some would take your suggested alternative to my gloomy preoccupations as a passive-aggressive jab. But I know you didn't mean it that way. In fact, I'm sure reading about it now is the first time the notion has occurred to you. John, please stop rolling your eyes. The letter is down here.
The gift in this box is a resurrection. I used your present to thread life anew into a tattered heirloom. As long as I can remember, its black, greasy appendages have been tethered limply to its ratty, porous carriage. Too delicate to wash, too dear to discard. I used to love this rabbit. Now he's yours.
I trust you'll find this to be adequately sentimental. Happy birthday.
Rose
This is an awesome gift.
Oh, hey, someone's trolling Rose.
GA: Im Supposed To Antagonize A Few Members Of Your Trivial Species
GA: I Have To Start Somewhere
GA: Actually You Know What
GA: Im Not Really Feeling This At All
GA: Goodbye
TT: she's not here right now, she's asleep!
TT: but ok, see you.
GA: Is This
GA: Your Human Sarcasm That Ive Heard About
TT: umm... no?
GA: I Thought That Was The Thing You Did
GA: The Rose Human Specifically
TT: oh, yeah.
TT: that's me! i am the rose human. look at me, i am so smart with all these snooty words and complicated things to say.
GA: Why Do You Work So Hard At Being So Awful
TT: fffuuhhhhhhhh
TT: these cat and mouse games are so dumb, you know we're just going to all be friends at some point anyway.
GA: Have We Spoken Before
TT: i don't know, uh, maybe???
GA: I Should Figure Out How The Viewport Feature Of This Application Works
GA: So I Can See What Such A Primitive Creature Looks Like
TT: haha, well i know what you guys look like.
TT: you look kind of like...
TT: howie mandel from little monsters.
GA: Is This An Adversary You Have Encountered On Your Quest
TT: no, it's a movie.
TT: you should ask john about it, because he thinks it's awesome, which it is.
GA: It Seems You Put Stock In Johns Assessment Of Things
TT: yeah, i got him this really cool bunny for his birthday, and it's really nicely knitted and everything.
TT: because i am basically in love with him, you are right.
GA: Uh Okay
GA: I Think Ill Talk To Someone Else Now
TT: why don't you talk to john?
GA: Considering That Youre Obviously Not That Smart
GA: Im Going To Talk To Your Comrades
GA: This John Human
GA: And Figure Out Whats Going On
TT: if you talk to him in the past...
TT: he'll understand even less buggywhipped fuckall about time, and he'll be confused.
TT: and if you talk to him in the future...
TT: he'll probably know all this stuff, like things you've said to him but haven't said yet!
GA: Consider Me Fully Briefed On The Matter.
TT: yeah, bye!
TT: (heheheheheheh)
-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling twinArmageddons [TA] --
GA: If Youre Not Too Busy Still Setting Up The Network
GA: Perhaps You Could Come Show Me How To Activate The Viewport
TA: ii am iin fact two bu2y 2tiill 2ettiing iit up.
TA: pre22 F1.
GA: My Keyboard Is Missing The F1 Key
TA: dont bother me iim not iin the mood.
TA: iif ii 2ee one more 2narl of wiire2.
TA: kiind of juttiing out and beiing tangled or whatever.
TA: ii am goiing two perform 2ome 2ort of athletiic fuckiing 2omer2ault off the deep end and get a call from the pre2iident or 2ome 2hiit.
GA: You Used To Like To Talk More
TA: that wa2 before ii knew we were all goiing two diie.
TA: and no one beliieved me.
TA: and now look at you all.
GA: Then Why Are You Doing This
TA: two get you all off my bulge about iit.
TA: 2ee the menu up top?
TA: fiiddle around wiith that tiil you open the viiewport.
GA: I Did Fiddle With It
GA: To No Avail
TA: iif you cant fiigure 2hiit out by fuckiing around you dont belong near computer2.
Meanwhile...
Deep within the Medium, Rose's mom transportalizes to an unknown location.
And elsewhere, two gentlemen transportalize off as well.
NEXT CHAPTER: Upheaval on the battlefield.
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