Symmetry 4.5:Almost Had It
Title: Symmetry 4.5:Almost Had It
Author:princess72385
Pairings/Characters: Logan, Veronica, Duncan(mentions of: Logan/Veronica and slight mentions of: Logan/Lilly, Duncan/Veronica)
Word Count: 6,876 (6,739 without lyrics)
Rating: R (alcohol abuse and some swearing)
Summary: There are similarities to the past and now. History always repeats itself, whether we realize it or not and breaking the circle is always the most difficult part of it all.
Spoilers/Warnings: Everything to 3.17 (Debasement Tapes)
Future Fic
Disclaimer: None of it’s mine, and if it was it would all be going different right now. So don’t sue, because I have nothing and it’d be a waste of both our time. The Song is Wish You Were Here by Pink Floyd
Chapter 1: Everything Has It's Beginning... And It's End
Chapter 2: Leave My Heart Behind
Chapter 3a: When It's All Unraveling
Chapter 3b:When It's All Unraveling
Chapter 4a:The Lines That Cross
Chapter 4b: The Lines That Cross
A/N: Okay, this starts near the end of the chapter, the morning after Logan’s fight with Duncan, after the conversation in the kitchen that Veronica runs out on. It then skips to a key moment with Duncan and Logan in the intervening years between chapters 4 & 5
Symmetry
4.5
Almost Had It
So, so you think you can tell
Heaven from Hell,
Blue skies from pain.
Can you tell a green field
From a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?
She’d been sitting there since running out on Logan. When she’d started out she’d originally been headed towards her dad’s apartment, convinced that he could-and would- help. Keith Mars always fixed everything and had developed some strange knack for talking sense into Logan. And he always made her see the way through the problem, the solution. But halfway there she’d faltered. If Logan reconsidered, rethought this ridiculous notion that they’d be better off apart he’d have to deal with her dad. Her dad had come so far since he referred to Logan only as the boy he had literally thrown out of the apartment. If Veronica told him about his and they worked it out it’s possible Keith would start to hate him again. She couldn’t deal with that again. Not anymore, she’d gotten too used to them getting along and acting like family. Then it hit her even harder, her dad wasn’t even home. He was off living his own life in his own bliss.
Veronica had decided on a new destination right then and steered her silver hybrid towards the spot on the beach that held the most memories. She parked in the space she had parked in the day he vandalized her Le Baron and she had stopped Weevil from beating the crap out of him. She got out and walked past the place where he called her cold and heartless and asked her to stick her head in an oven. Passed the place where they’d walked with Duncan and Lilly playing “I Never…”. Passed the place where he’d learned she was a virgin that had never gone skinny dipping. Finally she settled in the sand a short distance away, still staring at the spot as if she could still see her best friend imitating Celeste in bed. She settled down in her place in the sand where she and Logan had sat while Duncan chased Lilly up the beach. Lilly had taken a rather incriminating photo and Duncan had threatened to smash the digital camera in order to destroy the evidence. Lilly had simply said “Whatever Donut.” and taken off in the opposite direction, Duncan only hesitating a moment before lending chase. She and Logan had sat there in companionable silence until Logan had asked her what she thought of hi when they first met. His question had been met with a silence no longer as friendly as it once was.
“Come on, I told you mine.” Logan whined as he stared at her profile, watching her watch their counterparts race down the beach.
“Yeah, well we were actually playing a game then. You had to answer. Same rules do not apply when you just want to know.” Her answer was curt, but amused. She was playing at mad, she’d never really been seriously angry with him. She liked to pretend.
“Okay, truth or dare?” His rueful smile was like a dare already. She knew he had a talent for dares and she didn’t want to tell the truth. She was stuck.
“Dare.” She was being defiant, she knew this as she turned her gaze to look him in the eye. The couldn’t hear the other half of their party anymore and all Veronica could make out of the two of them in the dark and distance was the white of Duncan’s tuxedo shirt and the faint glimmer of Lilly’s glittering gold dress.
“Are you…?” Logan started to ask, as he always did when she said ‘dare’. But the look in her eyes as he spoke told him that she was stubborn enough to pick dare and drunk enough to stick with it.
“Okay…” He had not been prepared to dare her to do anything and he couldn’t dare her to do what he really wanted. But of course they were both drinking and Veronica never really could hold her liquor well. If he dared her she’d have and couldn’t back out. She would never announce such a thing to Lilly and in the morning she’ll either have forgotten it or placed it in the ‘things-we-never-talk-about’ category that was rapidly becoming the basis of their friendship. “I dare you to kiss me.”
Her eyes momentarily widened with shock, annoyance and something else he couldn’t quite place. Logan had the distinct sensation of hope as he realized it might be want, until he quelled the thrilling thought when he realized he was only seeing what he wanted to see. But her eyes were closing and she was leaning forward.
“Tongue kiss for ten seconds.” Here eyes flew open at the addition to the dare and he smiled when he saw her annoyance again. She rolled her eyes at his choice of phrasing.
Veronica leaned forward slightly again, only closing a short distance between them, forcing Logan to lean further in. She had known his question was coming since he had answered Lilly in the limo. Known that this was what was going to happened the moment before she made her choice. If she was really honest with herself she had thrilled at the thought of kissing him and dare at the thought. After she had said dare she had wanted to back out until she realized that Logan always gave her an out of his dares and expected her to chicken out. If he dared her to kiss him she kiss the corner of his mouth and that’s be it. Then he’d added the specification and time limit. Tongue Kiss? Only Logan would refer to it as that after the age of eight.
Logan’s lips pressed against Veronica’s and his tongue seemed to have snake into her mouth without her realizing. Her arms lifted up automatically and she laid them over his shoulders. Logan’s hands gripped her head and tilted it to change the angle, deepening the kiss.
It went on pass ten seconds without either of them noticing. Logan’s mouth on her neck brought her instantly back to her senses. With a little jump she jerked away a little and Logan caught her lips before she could pull away completely.
Logan’s heart was hammering in his chest, beating so hard that he was sure that she could hear it too. It seemed to thunder in his own ears. His hands had crept up her back until they settled on the tiny zipper holding her candy pink dress on. He thought about easing it down, getting peek at what he’d always wanted. Then he remembered that his girlfriend and his best friend were just down the beach, probably back any moment. The fantasy he’d been enjoying, the dream of kissing the girl he’d been dying to kiss for more than three years now faded and reality hit him like a cold wave. He released her and pulled back, pretending that the kiss had only lasted a couple of moments.
“Truth or dare?” Veronica whispered, her thin and delicate fingertips pressed gently against her lips. She was looking at him with an expression of concentration, her brows furrowed and a little frown on her swollen lips. The sight made him want to shove away reality and dive into the fantasy.
Truth or dare? The question finally made it’s way through his hazy fog and his eyes pulled up from her lips to her eyes. They looked cloudy, and filled with something akin to lust. It couldn’t be lust though, perfect little Veronica Mars didn’t lust. Dare. If he said dare would she dare him to kiss her? Would she go that far? Or would she dare him to jump in the ocean? That wouldn’t be such a bad idea at the moment, considering the state of things between his legs. Truth? There wasn’t anything he had the desperate need to hide from her if he answered truth. He didn’t have anything to fear about what she could ask of him. She already knew his biggest secret, that he had a crush on her. Whatever else was left didn’t really matter. He had informed her of his crush and she hadn’t hated him for it like he had expected all this time.
“Truth.”
“Why did you dare me to kiss you?” He was wrong. He didn’t want to answer that question, there were too many possibilities for having to discuss things there. He had the sudden urge to kiss her again, distract her from her question and lose himself in her once again.
“You’re hot, so it’s not like some kind of punishment to kiss you. Especially since you turned out to pretty damn good at it.” He added to last part just to see her blush. He succeeded and she turned a bright pink before he continued. “And it was either that or dare you to strip or jump in the ocean, neither of which would have been acceptable. If I got caught with you naked I’m pretty sure your dad would invent a new form of torture for me. And if you jumped in the ocean you’re dress would pull you down and you’d be soaked and cold and…”
Logan trailed off his rambling explanation at the amused smirk on her face. A smirk. He’d never seen Veronica do anything but grin and smile, a smirk was a completely new and attractive expression. A new facet to a girl he’d adored since he was twelve. “Truth or dare.”
“Truth.” She seemed to have gotten braver, or she knew the real reason he had dared her to kiss him. Either way Logan didn’t care, he was going to get the answer he’d been wanting.
“What did you think of me when you first saw me?” Veronica mouth fell open to answer.
“I-” She began, only to be cut off by the distant yelling of her name. Her eyes ripped away from his and he had to turn to look for it’s source. Lilly was yelling and waving her arms, beckoning her best friend to her. Veronica struggled to her feet and ran, stumbling a bit along the way, to where Lilly was.
Logan looked on in disappointment. He would never get his answer now, and with stunning clarity he realized that Veronica really was drunk. It seemed like such a good point for daring her to kiss him before. That she wouldn’t remember it. But the more he thought about it the more he realized that he wanted her to remember it as clearly as he did. He wanted her to remember it and want more, want him.
Veronica looked up at the setting sun, it was getting late and as her stomach rumbled she remember she hadn’t eaten. At first she couldn’t eat due to her lack of sleep. She’d been unable to rest without him in bed with her, it’d been so long since she’d slept alone. Nearly eight months. The bed had been much too big for her by herself and she’d been desperate to go to him in the guest room. Pick the lock and crawl in bed with him. Then she’d been unable to eat at the thought of what was happening between them. He’d never slept in the guest room before, always chose the couch when they fought and she’d kicked him out of bed. It always seemed less permanent that way, like he’d be coming back. The couch was too short and while comfy to sit on it was uncomfortable to sleep on. Whereas the guest bed was fluffy and long enough to support his tall frame, easier to sleep in than on a couch. It wasn’t punishment, it was resignation.
She’d rushed out of the house too quickly to grab her purse, she’d merely swept her keys up off the small table next to the door that usually held their mail and slammed the door behind her. She couldn’t buy any food or sit in coffee shop sipping coffee and trying not to cry. She couldn’t talk to Wallace because he was with Cassie off on their romantic day. She had no desire to talk to Piz, her ex-boyfriend, about the problems in her relationship and she’d sooner shoot herself in the foot before she’d seek advice from that girl he was dating. If she were in the same room as Duncan she was pretty sure it would get confrontational real quick. The only people she could go to now were Mac and Parker. Mac seemed like an obvious choice at first if it weren’t for the fact that Dick could be over there right now. Dick, Logan’s best friend. And Parker was Logan’s ex-girlfriend, would she be comforting and helpful right now or would she simply say that he was a jerk and tell her to get over it. Of course Parker wasn’t bitter about her former boyfriend anymore, and she was a real friend to Veronica. Mac would kick Dick out if Veronica said it was an emergency.
Honestly, if there was ever a time to have a need for girl friends it was now.
~ * ~
Veronica had only had to knock once before the door swung open and Parker stood before her in her pajamas. The girl was a bright blinding mess of pink shorts, pink tank top and pink fuzzy slippers. It was an uncommonly welcoming sight.
“I didn’t think it was that late.” Veronica said, feeling like she had intruded on Parker’s down time now. How late is it? She’d the beach house at one-thirty, she couldn’t have camped herself out on Dog Beach any longer than two hours. Unless she got so caught up in memories that time had flown by faster than she thought.
“Oh, it’s only, like, four or something. I just didn’t feel like getting dressed when I have to get all dressed up tomorrow for graduation and my parents. So… pajama day!” Parker exclaimed with mock enthusiasm before taking in the look on Veronica’s face. Her own face became a mask of concern as her forehead crinkled in worry and her eyes softened. “What’s wrong? What happened?”
“How do you know something is wrong?” Veronica asked, tilting her head to the side like a curious child. Her voice was steady and strong, it gave away nothing but somehow Parker knew something was wrong.
“You like you’ve been crying. And that you’re going to cry some more before the day is over. Are you okay? Do you want me to call Logan?”
“No, don’t call Logan. He probably wouldn’t do anything if you did.” Veronica said, her voice rising to an almost shout at the panic that Parker would tell Logan she’d been crying. The last thing she was going to need from Logan now was pity that she was upset.
“So you’re crying because of Logan?” Parker asked, studying her.
“Yeah, he kind of… well… I mean I’m not totally sure, but…” Veronica couldn’t seem to get the words out. It seemed so final, so absolute to be telling someone that the guy that had a tendency to act like she was his world had broken up with her. Maybe she wasn’t his world after all.
Veronica had a terrifying, panicked thought before she could stop herself. What if this was his plan all along? What if since that day we kissed he’s been getting closer and closer only to destroy me in one last cruel prank? It seemed like something the Logan would do, lots of planning and lots of work but a big pay off. It was something Logan would do, the old Logan. Her Logan however would probably be really hurt that she could think such a thing and would get all broody and sit in the dark pulling at his sleeves if she suggested this. No, Logan wouldn’t be able to fake the way he felt about her. His eyes had always been her way of looking into his thoughts and feelings. No matter how good of an actor he was he could never hide the truth from her, she had always known where to look.
“He kind of what? Do you think he cheated? Because if you’re not totally sure you should be before anything. Logan doesn’t cheat, you told me that.” Parker rushed out, her voice panicky and worried that Veronica had reverted back to not trusting Logan. Parker had seen the damage that had done their freshman year of college and didn’t want that again.
“What? No, Logan doesn’t cheat, but that’s not what I meant. Logan broke up with me.” Veronica corrected. It’d been so long since Veronica had suspected Logan’s betrayal that it seemed positively ridiculous now. Logan doesn’t cheat.
“He what?” Parker nearly screamed the last word, obviously a break on Logan’s side was never something she was prepared for. “He couldn’t have, he’s so in love with you though. It doesn’t make sense.”
“What are you screaming about Park?” Mac said as she exited her room, cell phone in hand and dressed in her own pajamas. “Oh, hey Veronica. Why are you two shouting at each other?”
“Logan broke up with Veronica.” Parker stated, her voice tinged with disbelief.
“What?” Mac asked before raising her phone back to her face. “Dick, I’ll call you later. Girl emergency.” There was a pause while Dick replied. “No there will not be a pillow fight, and no I won’t call you if there is. There will be boy bashing and ice cream.” Mac snapped the phone shut before tossing it unceremoniously on an end table.
“What do you mean he broke up with you? What happened? You seemed to be fine yesterday, in fact you seemed really happy and excited to see him yesterday.” Mac asked, sitting on the couch while she did so.
Parker walked into the kitchen and grabbed a pint of ice cream and three spoons before settling on the opposite end of the couch. Veronica sat on a recliner placed a short distance from Mac’s end of the couch, still in arms reach. Parker pulled the lid of the ice cream before taking a spoonful and passing it to Mac along with the two extra spoons. The three of them passed the ice cream around in a circle as Veronica related the events of last night and this afternoon.
“So you’re sure that there’s nothing between you and Duncan?” Mac asked, looking worriedly at Veronica. She remembered when they dated before Lilly Kane had died. They were the perfect couple, the golden couple. Sure Logan and Lilly had been dramatic and bigger than life, breaking up every other week. The Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake of high school, seemingly perfect for each other but not meant to last. Mac had overheard Shelley Pomeroy and Meg Manning describe them so in the girls bathroom once, and had almost burst out laughing right there. But Veronica and Duncan had been quiet and sweet, young love’s dream and sugary sweet. It was never explained to the school at large why they had broken up.
Then there had been their relationship senior year of high school. They’d seemed to have found each other again, Veronica returning to a bit of the innocence she had lost in the last two years and Duncan finally seemed to be alive again. Mac had been around a little during their relationship this time. And unlike before she was no longer an outcast looking in at one of the two most popular couples in school. This time she was an insider with insider secrets of the most popular couple in school. And things weren’t looking good. Duncan’s relationship with is comatose ex-girlfriend was taking it’s toll on them. Not to mention the fact that Veronica seemed to be playing at being her younger self rather than who she had become. On top of all that Logan was living with Duncan, always there and commenting. Logan was so obviously pining and Veronica was so obviously trying to be oblivious to it that some things with Duncan slipped through the cracks. Like Duncan, who disappeared with his daughter.
“What do you mean am I sure? Of course there’s nothing between me and Duncan. Logan’s imagining things because of what happened senior year of high school. So I accidentally told Duncan a secret first, big deal.” Veronica was getting worried. Had she missed something, had she not told the story right? They were supposed to tell her how to make it better, not worse. Of course if she wanted that she should have gone to Piz’s fake girlfriend. She’d known when she came here that Mac and Parker would tell her the truth, tell her like it is.
“Well… maybe you should tell her Parker.” Mac looked a little uncomfortable now, and glanced at Parker who looked a little like she was trying to disappear.
“Tell me what? Parker?”
“Well, when Duncan and I had that chat on Easter. I wouldn’t have been so hurt if Duncan would have just said that he didn’t want to date. I get that he didn’t like me, it sucks but whatever, it happens. But when he was all, I’m-in-love-with-someone-else and then told me that he thought it was rude of me to go after all the men in your life. It was like he was scolding me for it, that basically I had dated Logan and Piz who were obviously in love with you and now I was going after him. It was weird. But he basically said you were meant for each other and he didn’t want to jeopardize that. Again I say it was weird.” Parker had taken three bites of ice cream during her speech and continued to dig nervously into the cardboard container. “I backed off immediately because who wants that? But then I thought that maybe you were going to get back together with him. I mean, Mac explained how things were before and then you were hanging out more and more with him, canceling plans with us and stuff. I just figured that there was something still there.”
Veronica felt like rolling her eyes at her own stupidity. She had cancelled plans on everyone, including Logan, in order to help Duncan settle into his life. She’d decorated his house, babysat his daughter, helped with his college application, looked for and interviewed nannies, and on top of all that she’d spent countless hours just sitting and talking with him. She basically started to ignore Logan and their friends. She had no clue if Parker had a new boyfriend, or where Mac was at in her relationship with Dick. She had neglected everyone in favor of Duncan Kane, two time breaker of her heart. What was wrong with her?
~ * ~
It hadn’t taken any longer to fully realize that she may not have ever let Duncan go. But after the depressing thought that she had clung to something like this all this time they had ordered pizza and watched two of the most depressing movies ever. Sure they weren’t meant to be depressing, but when she really paid attention they rung a little truer to life than she wanted them to. Sixteen Candles wasn’t as bad Pretty In Pink had been. She’d nearly cried when she realized she was comparing Duncan and Logan to Andrew McCarthy and James Spader, respectively. The comparisons were obvious and depressing and weighed Veronica down as she drove home at nearly ten-thirty.
She decided to detour around the back of the house. The front door was closest to the guest room and he’d definitely hear it open and shut if she went through that way. Logan was like a child in that respect, always had to see the people coming through the front door, needed to get a visual on the comings and goings of his own house. Before she thought it was cute, now the thought of him coming to see her with her puffy eyes and messy hair made her want to vomit. So she’d opened the sliding glass door in the back, it was silent and you couldn’t hear it open unless you were in the living room.
And of course Logan would be crashed out on the couch in the living room, making it impossible for her to get into the house undetected. He probably was up planning his European tour, or waiting to ask her how she wanted to split the stuff in the house that they’d picked out together. Like she could have the coffee table and he could keep the couch. Yeah, right. He could keep it all, whatever, he’d paid for most of it anyway. Good thing they hadn’t gotten that dog yet, she didn’t that she could handle figuring out who would get the puppy if they had. Veronica took another detour around to the side of the house, stopping just outside their bedroom window. She’d left the window open that morning to circulate air, and if you pushed just right on the screen it popped out. Logan had busted it one day when he’d forgotten his keys and she wasn’t picking up her cell. All she had to do was lift herself into the window and not let the screen hit the ground. Or let anyone see her, the last thing she needed was to get the cops called because she was breaking into her own house.
Success.
She secured the window screen back into place and flipped on a lamp. Going to the closet she pulled out Logan’s graduation outfit and grabbed a few things from the bathroom for him. Opening the door slowly as to not let it creak she slipped out of the room and into the guest room. Depositing the items on the dresser, she slipped back out and into her own room again unnoticed.
Veronica pulled two suitcases out from under the bed and laid them, open, on the bed. Emptying out her drawers and her side of the closet were easy, everything fit into the two cases easily. Glancing around the bedroom she started to consider the things in it that actually meant something. The framed photos on the dressers of her and Logan in different clichéd poses and situations. The obligatory photo that Logan had taken of them kissing that sat next to his side of the bed. Logan could keep that, she didn’t need the reminder, but she wanted the photo of the two of them at Christmas. Packing a few photos of them with various friends she heard the door knob rattle.
He finally noticed I’m home. Veronica thought as she stood still, waiting for him to call out to her. The knob rattled a little more but then stopped and she heard his footsteps fade away as he obviously walked down the hall to his own bedroom. She sunk to the floor and leaned her back against the bed. He just walked away.
With new determination she finished packing her things and set the suitcases next to the door. She’d take them tomorrow afternoon after the graduation ceremony. She have Mac get Dick to distract Logan to give her enough time to get home, get her bags and get out.
This was officially the end.
And did they get you to trade
Your heroes for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
And did you exchange
A walk on part in the war
For a lead role in a cage?
How I wish, how I wish you were here.
Logan stood staring at the dark, empty and slightly cold looking beach house that stood glumly against the back drop of a moonlit beach. If he was truly honest with himself it probably looked the same now as it had when he lived there a little over a year ago. He was avoiding going inside, couldn’t bring himself to walk up the front sidewalk and go inside. He walked back around to the back of the SUV and popped it open, pulling his luggage out. Just the smaller bag tonight, he’d get the larger one in the morning.
It hadn’t been as hard to unlock the front door as he had thought it would be. The lights were all off and the air smelled old, stale and dusty. There wouldn’t be any food in the kitchen so he’d have to wait until morning before he could get anything to eat. Pulling the suitcase behind him he threw open the bedroom door and stopped just inside the room. The bed was still made up as it was that afternoon, her key still lying in the center of the bed. Spinning on his heel, Logan rushed from the room and into the guestroom. Flopping on the bed fully clothed he finally succumbed to the jetlag that had been plaguing him for the three hours he’d been back in California.
~ * ~
Early morning came quickly. 5am quickly. Logan regretted passing seven thirty the night before now, but he was up and there was no way he was going to get back to sleep. Pulling on the shoes he couldn’t remember kicking off he trudged out of the house with wallet and car keys in hand. A quick trip to Starbucks was in order, then maybe some surfing. It’d been a year since he’d surfed and he was looking forward to getting back in the figurative saddle.
He was in the ocean by six, and out around ten, four hours of surfing under his belt. Hungry Logan decided to go grocery shopping, changing into board shorts and a t-shirt out of the back of his SUV, anything to avoid going back to that empty house. If he really drug his feet he could avoid going home for a few more hours.
~ * ~
By seven Logan couldn’t think of a single thing left for him to do besides go home, so he pulled up in the driveway and killed the engine. Sitting there staring at the house again he took in a deep breath and let out a defeated sigh.
Logan took his time unloading the groceries into the house and then unpacking them into the cupboards and fridge. The last item left on the counter was the beer he’d bought. A case of longnecks, a special gift to himself. Like a welcome home and your life sucks party all rolled into one, too bad none of his friends would be attending. He opened the case and sucked down two bottles without taking a breath. After the fourth he started to slow down, drink them slower and let the warm feeling of intoxication slip over him. It was around the eighth beer that he decided that the kitchen wasn’t comfortable enough for his party and stumbled into the living room.
Logan was on his tenth beer and third shot of tequila he had found under the couch-left there after he drank himself into a stupor for three days after graduation-when there had been a knock on the door.
Summoning the strength and ability to yell out for whoever it was to go away, Logan was interrupted by the sound of footsteps. As the footsteps got closer an all to familiar voice rang out.
“Logan? You here?” Duncan’s voice was annoyingly sober. “Lilly saw you come in about an hour ago. She wants you to come over for dessert, we’re having…”
Duncan stopped talking when he spotted the prone form on the floor. Logan was sprawled out between the couch and the coffee table, only his upper torso propped up by the couch. He looked like he was having trouble focusing and was probably going to pass out any second.
Logan finally looked up at him, tears and anger in his eyes. There was a white shirt clutched in his fist, a small shrimp emblazoned on it. The shirt was wrinkled so badly there was a good chance that it had spent the last year stuck between the couch cushions. And with the way Logan had been pressing it to his nose there was an even better chance it still smelled like the owner.
“I see you’re back.” Duncan stated numbly, sometimes he really hated his best friend, but he hated seeing him like this even more. Duncan regretted the way things had gone down last May and had wanted to make things right. As it may be true that Logan and Veronica didn’t belong together, he may have a bit too heavy handed in trying to split them up. It would have been better if it had happened naturally, things would have ended up differently. Like he would be with her right now, if she didn’t blame him a little for the break up they’d have gotten back together. Duncan had known that was where things were going to go, but then he’d been too obvious with his attempts at breaking them up.
“Whathe fuh-ck ah yeh doin in her?” Logan slurred, his grip on the t-shirt slackening a bit. “Wha? Ah don h-ear yeh sayn noffin…”
“Maybe because I can’t understand you.” Duncan leaned down over Logan and tried to lift him. It took three tries, but he finally got him standing and moving slowly toward the bathroom. Once there he deposited him on the floor and went to get a glass of water. He returned to Logan already retching into the toilet, gripping the edge of the bowl tightly.
“You can’t do this, Logan. I won’t let you kill yourself over a girl that wasn’t meant for you. She wasn’t meant for us, she wasn’t meant to stay and become whatever it was we wanted her to be.” Duncan was starting to lecture, could hear the inflection in his voice. He was lecturing and he was lying. Of course Veronica was meant for him, but Logan was already in too deep of a depression to handle a truth they both knew would kill him.
“Go way, I don need yew. I juss wanna be lone withhhh ma baybeez shirt.” With that Logan laid his head down and closed his eyes, clutching the small shirt to his chest and started snoring loudly.
~ * ~
Logan woke with a start and smiled at his surroundings. He could smell Veronica on him, around him. She was everywhere and before he could stop himself he reached across the bed for her. His hand encountered empty space and his head thundered from the movement he made in rolling over, a small groan of pain escaped him.
“Doesn’t seem like such a good idea anymore does it? Drinking yourself into a coma.” Duncan’s voice boomed from somewhere to the right of the bed. Cracking an eye open, Logan winced at the brightness of the morning and Duncan’s towering and angry figure leaning against the wall with his arms crossed in front of his chest.
“I don’t know what is wrong with you, why you feel the need to do shit like this, but one of these days you’re going to kill yourself. Drink yourself to death, drive into oncoming traffic. You know, die.” Duncan uncrossed his arms and stood up straight, separating himself from the wall. “Sober up. Grow up.”
Duncan slammed out of the bedroom, obviously making sure the door made as much noise as possible. Logan rolled over and pulled a pillow over his head, groaning. Maybe if he pressed down on his face hard enough he’d suffocate and wouldn’t have to deal with all this.
~ * ~
It’d been a week since Logan had last seen Duncan or Lilly. The avoidance techniques he had once learned from she-who-shall-not-be-named had been perfected.
After his one miserable night in the beach house he had moved into one of the guestrooms in Dick’s house that he semi-shared with Mac. Dick and him still worked well as roommates, but Mac barely tolerated him when Dick was in the room, glaring at him. But when it was just the two of them, Mac pretended like he didn’t exist. Logan was reminded of how she used to act with Dick. It was funny how things came full circle, now it was Dick’s girlfriend that couldn’t stand him.
Still, there was only so long he could live with Dick and avoid Duncan and the beach house. And apparently a week was it.
He’d signed on a house, inking his name on the dotted line to live in a large and empty house just like the one he grew up in. Now came the time for him to return to the Beach House and retrieve any and all things he thought he’d be able to tolerate in the new house. Nothing sentimental, only the things he would absolutely need.
Walking into the beach house he cringed at the sound the door made as it opened. A soft swoosh that reminded him of how he used to wait to hear it, to hear her come home. Logan wondered if she did the same thing, waited to hear the swooshing of the door swinging open. Followed by footsteps.
Logan was an expert on footsteps. They told so much about a person and their mood. Lilly’s were springy and on the quiet side, once in a while so quiet she could sneak up on him and scare the shit out of him. Duncan’s were heavy and even, a steady footfall that landed just loud enough to let everyone know he was there. His mother’s steps had been light and dainty, barely heard. But when she was drunk she sounded like a lumberjack. His dad’s had been loud and over-exaggerated. Unless he felt like hitting something, then they were silent, never heard. Veronica’s had been bouncy when she was in a good mood, and when she wasn’t she stomped. Loudly.
Logan set his keys on table next to the door and started to run through a list of things in the house that he’d need for his new one. He froze. He could hear footsteps, steady ones. Duncan was here.
“Where you been?”
“It’s been a week and I don’t have that many friends, honestly you could have put a little more effort into it.” Logan replied, walking into the living room, passing Duncan in the doorway, smirk firmly in place.
“You’ve been at Dick’s the last week, moping and feeling sorry for yourself. I meant the last year.” Duncan settled on the couch as Logan paced in front of the coffee table.
“Europe. Next obvious question.” Logan rolled his eyes, letting himself appear way more relaxed than he really was. On the inside he was freaking out, having some sort of panic attack at being back in this house.
“She left. Veronica left us both behind, moved on and away. We’re the past now. So why can’t we be us again?” Duncan asked, his gaze moving from the arm of the recliner to the back-left leg of the coffee table, unable to shift to meet Logan’s.
“What exactly is it you’re saying DK? You wanna go steady?” Logan stopped pacing and raised his eyebrow at his former best friend.
“I’m saying that she left you behind. She left me behind too. Wanna be left behind together?” Duncan’s voice held a hint of hope that made Logan want to hit him. In fact, it almost made him want to hit him more than the actual words.
“Yeah, why not? Of course, this togetherness won’t be taking place here. I just came to pack up a few things for the new place.” Logan’s words were welcoming, but his voice and tone were clipped and uninviting. Logan hoped that it got his message across. That he didn’t trust Duncan.
“Yeah, well… Let me know when we can get together. Maybe we can get together for a poker game? You, me, Dick and the rest of the guys?” Duncan’s voice was slightly whiney. He heaved himself off the couch and strode towards the back door.
“I’ll let you know.” Logan affected a much chipper voice as he followed Duncan to the door and waved as he walked across Logan’s yard to his own next door. Logan flipped the lock on the sliding glass door, relieved that Duncan was gone.
Looking around the house at all the things he should pack up and take to the new house he felt overwhelmed. Too much. It was all too much and he couldn’t deal with it right now. His mind kept replaying the one real thing that Logan had heard in everything Duncan had said.
Veronica had moved on.
Logan walked back through the house, swiping up the T-shirt laying over the back of the couch, the screen print of a shrimp barely visible. He couldn’t take anything from this house, even the potato peeler had sentimental value.
We're just two lost souls
Swimming in a fish bowl,
Year after year,
Running over the same old ground.
What have we found?
The same old fears.
Wish you were here.
Chapter 5: Everything You're Running From
Author:princess72385
Pairings/Characters: Logan, Veronica, Duncan(mentions of: Logan/Veronica and slight mentions of: Logan/Lilly, Duncan/Veronica)
Word Count: 6,876 (6,739 without lyrics)
Rating: R (alcohol abuse and some swearing)
Summary: There are similarities to the past and now. History always repeats itself, whether we realize it or not and breaking the circle is always the most difficult part of it all.
Spoilers/Warnings: Everything to 3.17 (Debasement Tapes)
Future Fic
Disclaimer: None of it’s mine, and if it was it would all be going different right now. So don’t sue, because I have nothing and it’d be a waste of both our time. The Song is Wish You Were Here by Pink Floyd
Chapter 1: Everything Has It's Beginning... And It's End
Chapter 2: Leave My Heart Behind
Chapter 3a: When It's All Unraveling
Chapter 3b:When It's All Unraveling
Chapter 4a:The Lines That Cross
Chapter 4b: The Lines That Cross
A/N: Okay, this starts near the end of the chapter, the morning after Logan’s fight with Duncan, after the conversation in the kitchen that Veronica runs out on. It then skips to a key moment with Duncan and Logan in the intervening years between chapters 4 & 5
Symmetry
4.5
Almost Had It
So, so you think you can tell
Heaven from Hell,
Blue skies from pain.
Can you tell a green field
From a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?
She’d been sitting there since running out on Logan. When she’d started out she’d originally been headed towards her dad’s apartment, convinced that he could-and would- help. Keith Mars always fixed everything and had developed some strange knack for talking sense into Logan. And he always made her see the way through the problem, the solution. But halfway there she’d faltered. If Logan reconsidered, rethought this ridiculous notion that they’d be better off apart he’d have to deal with her dad. Her dad had come so far since he referred to Logan only as the boy he had literally thrown out of the apartment. If Veronica told him about his and they worked it out it’s possible Keith would start to hate him again. She couldn’t deal with that again. Not anymore, she’d gotten too used to them getting along and acting like family. Then it hit her even harder, her dad wasn’t even home. He was off living his own life in his own bliss.
Veronica had decided on a new destination right then and steered her silver hybrid towards the spot on the beach that held the most memories. She parked in the space she had parked in the day he vandalized her Le Baron and she had stopped Weevil from beating the crap out of him. She got out and walked past the place where he called her cold and heartless and asked her to stick her head in an oven. Passed the place where they’d walked with Duncan and Lilly playing “I Never…”. Passed the place where he’d learned she was a virgin that had never gone skinny dipping. Finally she settled in the sand a short distance away, still staring at the spot as if she could still see her best friend imitating Celeste in bed. She settled down in her place in the sand where she and Logan had sat while Duncan chased Lilly up the beach. Lilly had taken a rather incriminating photo and Duncan had threatened to smash the digital camera in order to destroy the evidence. Lilly had simply said “Whatever Donut.” and taken off in the opposite direction, Duncan only hesitating a moment before lending chase. She and Logan had sat there in companionable silence until Logan had asked her what she thought of hi when they first met. His question had been met with a silence no longer as friendly as it once was.
“Come on, I told you mine.” Logan whined as he stared at her profile, watching her watch their counterparts race down the beach.
“Yeah, well we were actually playing a game then. You had to answer. Same rules do not apply when you just want to know.” Her answer was curt, but amused. She was playing at mad, she’d never really been seriously angry with him. She liked to pretend.
“Okay, truth or dare?” His rueful smile was like a dare already. She knew he had a talent for dares and she didn’t want to tell the truth. She was stuck.
“Dare.” She was being defiant, she knew this as she turned her gaze to look him in the eye. The couldn’t hear the other half of their party anymore and all Veronica could make out of the two of them in the dark and distance was the white of Duncan’s tuxedo shirt and the faint glimmer of Lilly’s glittering gold dress.
“Are you…?” Logan started to ask, as he always did when she said ‘dare’. But the look in her eyes as he spoke told him that she was stubborn enough to pick dare and drunk enough to stick with it.
“Okay…” He had not been prepared to dare her to do anything and he couldn’t dare her to do what he really wanted. But of course they were both drinking and Veronica never really could hold her liquor well. If he dared her she’d have and couldn’t back out. She would never announce such a thing to Lilly and in the morning she’ll either have forgotten it or placed it in the ‘things-we-never-talk-about’ category that was rapidly becoming the basis of their friendship. “I dare you to kiss me.”
Her eyes momentarily widened with shock, annoyance and something else he couldn’t quite place. Logan had the distinct sensation of hope as he realized it might be want, until he quelled the thrilling thought when he realized he was only seeing what he wanted to see. But her eyes were closing and she was leaning forward.
“Tongue kiss for ten seconds.” Here eyes flew open at the addition to the dare and he smiled when he saw her annoyance again. She rolled her eyes at his choice of phrasing.
Veronica leaned forward slightly again, only closing a short distance between them, forcing Logan to lean further in. She had known his question was coming since he had answered Lilly in the limo. Known that this was what was going to happened the moment before she made her choice. If she was really honest with herself she had thrilled at the thought of kissing him and dare at the thought. After she had said dare she had wanted to back out until she realized that Logan always gave her an out of his dares and expected her to chicken out. If he dared her to kiss him she kiss the corner of his mouth and that’s be it. Then he’d added the specification and time limit. Tongue Kiss? Only Logan would refer to it as that after the age of eight.
Logan’s lips pressed against Veronica’s and his tongue seemed to have snake into her mouth without her realizing. Her arms lifted up automatically and she laid them over his shoulders. Logan’s hands gripped her head and tilted it to change the angle, deepening the kiss.
It went on pass ten seconds without either of them noticing. Logan’s mouth on her neck brought her instantly back to her senses. With a little jump she jerked away a little and Logan caught her lips before she could pull away completely.
Logan’s heart was hammering in his chest, beating so hard that he was sure that she could hear it too. It seemed to thunder in his own ears. His hands had crept up her back until they settled on the tiny zipper holding her candy pink dress on. He thought about easing it down, getting peek at what he’d always wanted. Then he remembered that his girlfriend and his best friend were just down the beach, probably back any moment. The fantasy he’d been enjoying, the dream of kissing the girl he’d been dying to kiss for more than three years now faded and reality hit him like a cold wave. He released her and pulled back, pretending that the kiss had only lasted a couple of moments.
“Truth or dare?” Veronica whispered, her thin and delicate fingertips pressed gently against her lips. She was looking at him with an expression of concentration, her brows furrowed and a little frown on her swollen lips. The sight made him want to shove away reality and dive into the fantasy.
Truth or dare? The question finally made it’s way through his hazy fog and his eyes pulled up from her lips to her eyes. They looked cloudy, and filled with something akin to lust. It couldn’t be lust though, perfect little Veronica Mars didn’t lust. Dare. If he said dare would she dare him to kiss her? Would she go that far? Or would she dare him to jump in the ocean? That wouldn’t be such a bad idea at the moment, considering the state of things between his legs. Truth? There wasn’t anything he had the desperate need to hide from her if he answered truth. He didn’t have anything to fear about what she could ask of him. She already knew his biggest secret, that he had a crush on her. Whatever else was left didn’t really matter. He had informed her of his crush and she hadn’t hated him for it like he had expected all this time.
“Truth.”
“Why did you dare me to kiss you?” He was wrong. He didn’t want to answer that question, there were too many possibilities for having to discuss things there. He had the sudden urge to kiss her again, distract her from her question and lose himself in her once again.
“You’re hot, so it’s not like some kind of punishment to kiss you. Especially since you turned out to pretty damn good at it.” He added to last part just to see her blush. He succeeded and she turned a bright pink before he continued. “And it was either that or dare you to strip or jump in the ocean, neither of which would have been acceptable. If I got caught with you naked I’m pretty sure your dad would invent a new form of torture for me. And if you jumped in the ocean you’re dress would pull you down and you’d be soaked and cold and…”
Logan trailed off his rambling explanation at the amused smirk on her face. A smirk. He’d never seen Veronica do anything but grin and smile, a smirk was a completely new and attractive expression. A new facet to a girl he’d adored since he was twelve. “Truth or dare.”
“Truth.” She seemed to have gotten braver, or she knew the real reason he had dared her to kiss him. Either way Logan didn’t care, he was going to get the answer he’d been wanting.
“What did you think of me when you first saw me?” Veronica mouth fell open to answer.
“I-” She began, only to be cut off by the distant yelling of her name. Her eyes ripped away from his and he had to turn to look for it’s source. Lilly was yelling and waving her arms, beckoning her best friend to her. Veronica struggled to her feet and ran, stumbling a bit along the way, to where Lilly was.
Logan looked on in disappointment. He would never get his answer now, and with stunning clarity he realized that Veronica really was drunk. It seemed like such a good point for daring her to kiss him before. That she wouldn’t remember it. But the more he thought about it the more he realized that he wanted her to remember it as clearly as he did. He wanted her to remember it and want more, want him.
Veronica looked up at the setting sun, it was getting late and as her stomach rumbled she remember she hadn’t eaten. At first she couldn’t eat due to her lack of sleep. She’d been unable to rest without him in bed with her, it’d been so long since she’d slept alone. Nearly eight months. The bed had been much too big for her by herself and she’d been desperate to go to him in the guest room. Pick the lock and crawl in bed with him. Then she’d been unable to eat at the thought of what was happening between them. He’d never slept in the guest room before, always chose the couch when they fought and she’d kicked him out of bed. It always seemed less permanent that way, like he’d be coming back. The couch was too short and while comfy to sit on it was uncomfortable to sleep on. Whereas the guest bed was fluffy and long enough to support his tall frame, easier to sleep in than on a couch. It wasn’t punishment, it was resignation.
She’d rushed out of the house too quickly to grab her purse, she’d merely swept her keys up off the small table next to the door that usually held their mail and slammed the door behind her. She couldn’t buy any food or sit in coffee shop sipping coffee and trying not to cry. She couldn’t talk to Wallace because he was with Cassie off on their romantic day. She had no desire to talk to Piz, her ex-boyfriend, about the problems in her relationship and she’d sooner shoot herself in the foot before she’d seek advice from that girl he was dating. If she were in the same room as Duncan she was pretty sure it would get confrontational real quick. The only people she could go to now were Mac and Parker. Mac seemed like an obvious choice at first if it weren’t for the fact that Dick could be over there right now. Dick, Logan’s best friend. And Parker was Logan’s ex-girlfriend, would she be comforting and helpful right now or would she simply say that he was a jerk and tell her to get over it. Of course Parker wasn’t bitter about her former boyfriend anymore, and she was a real friend to Veronica. Mac would kick Dick out if Veronica said it was an emergency.
Honestly, if there was ever a time to have a need for girl friends it was now.
~ * ~
Veronica had only had to knock once before the door swung open and Parker stood before her in her pajamas. The girl was a bright blinding mess of pink shorts, pink tank top and pink fuzzy slippers. It was an uncommonly welcoming sight.
“I didn’t think it was that late.” Veronica said, feeling like she had intruded on Parker’s down time now. How late is it? She’d the beach house at one-thirty, she couldn’t have camped herself out on Dog Beach any longer than two hours. Unless she got so caught up in memories that time had flown by faster than she thought.
“Oh, it’s only, like, four or something. I just didn’t feel like getting dressed when I have to get all dressed up tomorrow for graduation and my parents. So… pajama day!” Parker exclaimed with mock enthusiasm before taking in the look on Veronica’s face. Her own face became a mask of concern as her forehead crinkled in worry and her eyes softened. “What’s wrong? What happened?”
“How do you know something is wrong?” Veronica asked, tilting her head to the side like a curious child. Her voice was steady and strong, it gave away nothing but somehow Parker knew something was wrong.
“You like you’ve been crying. And that you’re going to cry some more before the day is over. Are you okay? Do you want me to call Logan?”
“No, don’t call Logan. He probably wouldn’t do anything if you did.” Veronica said, her voice rising to an almost shout at the panic that Parker would tell Logan she’d been crying. The last thing she was going to need from Logan now was pity that she was upset.
“So you’re crying because of Logan?” Parker asked, studying her.
“Yeah, he kind of… well… I mean I’m not totally sure, but…” Veronica couldn’t seem to get the words out. It seemed so final, so absolute to be telling someone that the guy that had a tendency to act like she was his world had broken up with her. Maybe she wasn’t his world after all.
Veronica had a terrifying, panicked thought before she could stop herself. What if this was his plan all along? What if since that day we kissed he’s been getting closer and closer only to destroy me in one last cruel prank? It seemed like something the Logan would do, lots of planning and lots of work but a big pay off. It was something Logan would do, the old Logan. Her Logan however would probably be really hurt that she could think such a thing and would get all broody and sit in the dark pulling at his sleeves if she suggested this. No, Logan wouldn’t be able to fake the way he felt about her. His eyes had always been her way of looking into his thoughts and feelings. No matter how good of an actor he was he could never hide the truth from her, she had always known where to look.
“He kind of what? Do you think he cheated? Because if you’re not totally sure you should be before anything. Logan doesn’t cheat, you told me that.” Parker rushed out, her voice panicky and worried that Veronica had reverted back to not trusting Logan. Parker had seen the damage that had done their freshman year of college and didn’t want that again.
“What? No, Logan doesn’t cheat, but that’s not what I meant. Logan broke up with me.” Veronica corrected. It’d been so long since Veronica had suspected Logan’s betrayal that it seemed positively ridiculous now. Logan doesn’t cheat.
“He what?” Parker nearly screamed the last word, obviously a break on Logan’s side was never something she was prepared for. “He couldn’t have, he’s so in love with you though. It doesn’t make sense.”
“What are you screaming about Park?” Mac said as she exited her room, cell phone in hand and dressed in her own pajamas. “Oh, hey Veronica. Why are you two shouting at each other?”
“Logan broke up with Veronica.” Parker stated, her voice tinged with disbelief.
“What?” Mac asked before raising her phone back to her face. “Dick, I’ll call you later. Girl emergency.” There was a pause while Dick replied. “No there will not be a pillow fight, and no I won’t call you if there is. There will be boy bashing and ice cream.” Mac snapped the phone shut before tossing it unceremoniously on an end table.
“What do you mean he broke up with you? What happened? You seemed to be fine yesterday, in fact you seemed really happy and excited to see him yesterday.” Mac asked, sitting on the couch while she did so.
Parker walked into the kitchen and grabbed a pint of ice cream and three spoons before settling on the opposite end of the couch. Veronica sat on a recliner placed a short distance from Mac’s end of the couch, still in arms reach. Parker pulled the lid of the ice cream before taking a spoonful and passing it to Mac along with the two extra spoons. The three of them passed the ice cream around in a circle as Veronica related the events of last night and this afternoon.
“So you’re sure that there’s nothing between you and Duncan?” Mac asked, looking worriedly at Veronica. She remembered when they dated before Lilly Kane had died. They were the perfect couple, the golden couple. Sure Logan and Lilly had been dramatic and bigger than life, breaking up every other week. The Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake of high school, seemingly perfect for each other but not meant to last. Mac had overheard Shelley Pomeroy and Meg Manning describe them so in the girls bathroom once, and had almost burst out laughing right there. But Veronica and Duncan had been quiet and sweet, young love’s dream and sugary sweet. It was never explained to the school at large why they had broken up.
Then there had been their relationship senior year of high school. They’d seemed to have found each other again, Veronica returning to a bit of the innocence she had lost in the last two years and Duncan finally seemed to be alive again. Mac had been around a little during their relationship this time. And unlike before she was no longer an outcast looking in at one of the two most popular couples in school. This time she was an insider with insider secrets of the most popular couple in school. And things weren’t looking good. Duncan’s relationship with is comatose ex-girlfriend was taking it’s toll on them. Not to mention the fact that Veronica seemed to be playing at being her younger self rather than who she had become. On top of all that Logan was living with Duncan, always there and commenting. Logan was so obviously pining and Veronica was so obviously trying to be oblivious to it that some things with Duncan slipped through the cracks. Like Duncan, who disappeared with his daughter.
“What do you mean am I sure? Of course there’s nothing between me and Duncan. Logan’s imagining things because of what happened senior year of high school. So I accidentally told Duncan a secret first, big deal.” Veronica was getting worried. Had she missed something, had she not told the story right? They were supposed to tell her how to make it better, not worse. Of course if she wanted that she should have gone to Piz’s fake girlfriend. She’d known when she came here that Mac and Parker would tell her the truth, tell her like it is.
“Well… maybe you should tell her Parker.” Mac looked a little uncomfortable now, and glanced at Parker who looked a little like she was trying to disappear.
“Tell me what? Parker?”
“Well, when Duncan and I had that chat on Easter. I wouldn’t have been so hurt if Duncan would have just said that he didn’t want to date. I get that he didn’t like me, it sucks but whatever, it happens. But when he was all, I’m-in-love-with-someone-else and then told me that he thought it was rude of me to go after all the men in your life. It was like he was scolding me for it, that basically I had dated Logan and Piz who were obviously in love with you and now I was going after him. It was weird. But he basically said you were meant for each other and he didn’t want to jeopardize that. Again I say it was weird.” Parker had taken three bites of ice cream during her speech and continued to dig nervously into the cardboard container. “I backed off immediately because who wants that? But then I thought that maybe you were going to get back together with him. I mean, Mac explained how things were before and then you were hanging out more and more with him, canceling plans with us and stuff. I just figured that there was something still there.”
Veronica felt like rolling her eyes at her own stupidity. She had cancelled plans on everyone, including Logan, in order to help Duncan settle into his life. She’d decorated his house, babysat his daughter, helped with his college application, looked for and interviewed nannies, and on top of all that she’d spent countless hours just sitting and talking with him. She basically started to ignore Logan and their friends. She had no clue if Parker had a new boyfriend, or where Mac was at in her relationship with Dick. She had neglected everyone in favor of Duncan Kane, two time breaker of her heart. What was wrong with her?
~ * ~
It hadn’t taken any longer to fully realize that she may not have ever let Duncan go. But after the depressing thought that she had clung to something like this all this time they had ordered pizza and watched two of the most depressing movies ever. Sure they weren’t meant to be depressing, but when she really paid attention they rung a little truer to life than she wanted them to. Sixteen Candles wasn’t as bad Pretty In Pink had been. She’d nearly cried when she realized she was comparing Duncan and Logan to Andrew McCarthy and James Spader, respectively. The comparisons were obvious and depressing and weighed Veronica down as she drove home at nearly ten-thirty.
She decided to detour around the back of the house. The front door was closest to the guest room and he’d definitely hear it open and shut if she went through that way. Logan was like a child in that respect, always had to see the people coming through the front door, needed to get a visual on the comings and goings of his own house. Before she thought it was cute, now the thought of him coming to see her with her puffy eyes and messy hair made her want to vomit. So she’d opened the sliding glass door in the back, it was silent and you couldn’t hear it open unless you were in the living room.
And of course Logan would be crashed out on the couch in the living room, making it impossible for her to get into the house undetected. He probably was up planning his European tour, or waiting to ask her how she wanted to split the stuff in the house that they’d picked out together. Like she could have the coffee table and he could keep the couch. Yeah, right. He could keep it all, whatever, he’d paid for most of it anyway. Good thing they hadn’t gotten that dog yet, she didn’t that she could handle figuring out who would get the puppy if they had. Veronica took another detour around to the side of the house, stopping just outside their bedroom window. She’d left the window open that morning to circulate air, and if you pushed just right on the screen it popped out. Logan had busted it one day when he’d forgotten his keys and she wasn’t picking up her cell. All she had to do was lift herself into the window and not let the screen hit the ground. Or let anyone see her, the last thing she needed was to get the cops called because she was breaking into her own house.
Success.
She secured the window screen back into place and flipped on a lamp. Going to the closet she pulled out Logan’s graduation outfit and grabbed a few things from the bathroom for him. Opening the door slowly as to not let it creak she slipped out of the room and into the guest room. Depositing the items on the dresser, she slipped back out and into her own room again unnoticed.
Veronica pulled two suitcases out from under the bed and laid them, open, on the bed. Emptying out her drawers and her side of the closet were easy, everything fit into the two cases easily. Glancing around the bedroom she started to consider the things in it that actually meant something. The framed photos on the dressers of her and Logan in different clichéd poses and situations. The obligatory photo that Logan had taken of them kissing that sat next to his side of the bed. Logan could keep that, she didn’t need the reminder, but she wanted the photo of the two of them at Christmas. Packing a few photos of them with various friends she heard the door knob rattle.
He finally noticed I’m home. Veronica thought as she stood still, waiting for him to call out to her. The knob rattled a little more but then stopped and she heard his footsteps fade away as he obviously walked down the hall to his own bedroom. She sunk to the floor and leaned her back against the bed. He just walked away.
With new determination she finished packing her things and set the suitcases next to the door. She’d take them tomorrow afternoon after the graduation ceremony. She have Mac get Dick to distract Logan to give her enough time to get home, get her bags and get out.
This was officially the end.
And did they get you to trade
Your heroes for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
And did you exchange
A walk on part in the war
For a lead role in a cage?
How I wish, how I wish you were here.
Logan stood staring at the dark, empty and slightly cold looking beach house that stood glumly against the back drop of a moonlit beach. If he was truly honest with himself it probably looked the same now as it had when he lived there a little over a year ago. He was avoiding going inside, couldn’t bring himself to walk up the front sidewalk and go inside. He walked back around to the back of the SUV and popped it open, pulling his luggage out. Just the smaller bag tonight, he’d get the larger one in the morning.
It hadn’t been as hard to unlock the front door as he had thought it would be. The lights were all off and the air smelled old, stale and dusty. There wouldn’t be any food in the kitchen so he’d have to wait until morning before he could get anything to eat. Pulling the suitcase behind him he threw open the bedroom door and stopped just inside the room. The bed was still made up as it was that afternoon, her key still lying in the center of the bed. Spinning on his heel, Logan rushed from the room and into the guestroom. Flopping on the bed fully clothed he finally succumbed to the jetlag that had been plaguing him for the three hours he’d been back in California.
~ * ~
Early morning came quickly. 5am quickly. Logan regretted passing seven thirty the night before now, but he was up and there was no way he was going to get back to sleep. Pulling on the shoes he couldn’t remember kicking off he trudged out of the house with wallet and car keys in hand. A quick trip to Starbucks was in order, then maybe some surfing. It’d been a year since he’d surfed and he was looking forward to getting back in the figurative saddle.
He was in the ocean by six, and out around ten, four hours of surfing under his belt. Hungry Logan decided to go grocery shopping, changing into board shorts and a t-shirt out of the back of his SUV, anything to avoid going back to that empty house. If he really drug his feet he could avoid going home for a few more hours.
~ * ~
By seven Logan couldn’t think of a single thing left for him to do besides go home, so he pulled up in the driveway and killed the engine. Sitting there staring at the house again he took in a deep breath and let out a defeated sigh.
Logan took his time unloading the groceries into the house and then unpacking them into the cupboards and fridge. The last item left on the counter was the beer he’d bought. A case of longnecks, a special gift to himself. Like a welcome home and your life sucks party all rolled into one, too bad none of his friends would be attending. He opened the case and sucked down two bottles without taking a breath. After the fourth he started to slow down, drink them slower and let the warm feeling of intoxication slip over him. It was around the eighth beer that he decided that the kitchen wasn’t comfortable enough for his party and stumbled into the living room.
Logan was on his tenth beer and third shot of tequila he had found under the couch-left there after he drank himself into a stupor for three days after graduation-when there had been a knock on the door.
Summoning the strength and ability to yell out for whoever it was to go away, Logan was interrupted by the sound of footsteps. As the footsteps got closer an all to familiar voice rang out.
“Logan? You here?” Duncan’s voice was annoyingly sober. “Lilly saw you come in about an hour ago. She wants you to come over for dessert, we’re having…”
Duncan stopped talking when he spotted the prone form on the floor. Logan was sprawled out between the couch and the coffee table, only his upper torso propped up by the couch. He looked like he was having trouble focusing and was probably going to pass out any second.
Logan finally looked up at him, tears and anger in his eyes. There was a white shirt clutched in his fist, a small shrimp emblazoned on it. The shirt was wrinkled so badly there was a good chance that it had spent the last year stuck between the couch cushions. And with the way Logan had been pressing it to his nose there was an even better chance it still smelled like the owner.
“I see you’re back.” Duncan stated numbly, sometimes he really hated his best friend, but he hated seeing him like this even more. Duncan regretted the way things had gone down last May and had wanted to make things right. As it may be true that Logan and Veronica didn’t belong together, he may have a bit too heavy handed in trying to split them up. It would have been better if it had happened naturally, things would have ended up differently. Like he would be with her right now, if she didn’t blame him a little for the break up they’d have gotten back together. Duncan had known that was where things were going to go, but then he’d been too obvious with his attempts at breaking them up.
“Whathe fuh-ck ah yeh doin in her?” Logan slurred, his grip on the t-shirt slackening a bit. “Wha? Ah don h-ear yeh sayn noffin…”
“Maybe because I can’t understand you.” Duncan leaned down over Logan and tried to lift him. It took three tries, but he finally got him standing and moving slowly toward the bathroom. Once there he deposited him on the floor and went to get a glass of water. He returned to Logan already retching into the toilet, gripping the edge of the bowl tightly.
“You can’t do this, Logan. I won’t let you kill yourself over a girl that wasn’t meant for you. She wasn’t meant for us, she wasn’t meant to stay and become whatever it was we wanted her to be.” Duncan was starting to lecture, could hear the inflection in his voice. He was lecturing and he was lying. Of course Veronica was meant for him, but Logan was already in too deep of a depression to handle a truth they both knew would kill him.
“Go way, I don need yew. I juss wanna be lone withhhh ma baybeez shirt.” With that Logan laid his head down and closed his eyes, clutching the small shirt to his chest and started snoring loudly.
~ * ~
Logan woke with a start and smiled at his surroundings. He could smell Veronica on him, around him. She was everywhere and before he could stop himself he reached across the bed for her. His hand encountered empty space and his head thundered from the movement he made in rolling over, a small groan of pain escaped him.
“Doesn’t seem like such a good idea anymore does it? Drinking yourself into a coma.” Duncan’s voice boomed from somewhere to the right of the bed. Cracking an eye open, Logan winced at the brightness of the morning and Duncan’s towering and angry figure leaning against the wall with his arms crossed in front of his chest.
“I don’t know what is wrong with you, why you feel the need to do shit like this, but one of these days you’re going to kill yourself. Drink yourself to death, drive into oncoming traffic. You know, die.” Duncan uncrossed his arms and stood up straight, separating himself from the wall. “Sober up. Grow up.”
Duncan slammed out of the bedroom, obviously making sure the door made as much noise as possible. Logan rolled over and pulled a pillow over his head, groaning. Maybe if he pressed down on his face hard enough he’d suffocate and wouldn’t have to deal with all this.
~ * ~
It’d been a week since Logan had last seen Duncan or Lilly. The avoidance techniques he had once learned from she-who-shall-not-be-named had been perfected.
After his one miserable night in the beach house he had moved into one of the guestrooms in Dick’s house that he semi-shared with Mac. Dick and him still worked well as roommates, but Mac barely tolerated him when Dick was in the room, glaring at him. But when it was just the two of them, Mac pretended like he didn’t exist. Logan was reminded of how she used to act with Dick. It was funny how things came full circle, now it was Dick’s girlfriend that couldn’t stand him.
Still, there was only so long he could live with Dick and avoid Duncan and the beach house. And apparently a week was it.
He’d signed on a house, inking his name on the dotted line to live in a large and empty house just like the one he grew up in. Now came the time for him to return to the Beach House and retrieve any and all things he thought he’d be able to tolerate in the new house. Nothing sentimental, only the things he would absolutely need.
Walking into the beach house he cringed at the sound the door made as it opened. A soft swoosh that reminded him of how he used to wait to hear it, to hear her come home. Logan wondered if she did the same thing, waited to hear the swooshing of the door swinging open. Followed by footsteps.
Logan was an expert on footsteps. They told so much about a person and their mood. Lilly’s were springy and on the quiet side, once in a while so quiet she could sneak up on him and scare the shit out of him. Duncan’s were heavy and even, a steady footfall that landed just loud enough to let everyone know he was there. His mother’s steps had been light and dainty, barely heard. But when she was drunk she sounded like a lumberjack. His dad’s had been loud and over-exaggerated. Unless he felt like hitting something, then they were silent, never heard. Veronica’s had been bouncy when she was in a good mood, and when she wasn’t she stomped. Loudly.
Logan set his keys on table next to the door and started to run through a list of things in the house that he’d need for his new one. He froze. He could hear footsteps, steady ones. Duncan was here.
“Where you been?”
“It’s been a week and I don’t have that many friends, honestly you could have put a little more effort into it.” Logan replied, walking into the living room, passing Duncan in the doorway, smirk firmly in place.
“You’ve been at Dick’s the last week, moping and feeling sorry for yourself. I meant the last year.” Duncan settled on the couch as Logan paced in front of the coffee table.
“Europe. Next obvious question.” Logan rolled his eyes, letting himself appear way more relaxed than he really was. On the inside he was freaking out, having some sort of panic attack at being back in this house.
“She left. Veronica left us both behind, moved on and away. We’re the past now. So why can’t we be us again?” Duncan asked, his gaze moving from the arm of the recliner to the back-left leg of the coffee table, unable to shift to meet Logan’s.
“What exactly is it you’re saying DK? You wanna go steady?” Logan stopped pacing and raised his eyebrow at his former best friend.
“I’m saying that she left you behind. She left me behind too. Wanna be left behind together?” Duncan’s voice held a hint of hope that made Logan want to hit him. In fact, it almost made him want to hit him more than the actual words.
“Yeah, why not? Of course, this togetherness won’t be taking place here. I just came to pack up a few things for the new place.” Logan’s words were welcoming, but his voice and tone were clipped and uninviting. Logan hoped that it got his message across. That he didn’t trust Duncan.
“Yeah, well… Let me know when we can get together. Maybe we can get together for a poker game? You, me, Dick and the rest of the guys?” Duncan’s voice was slightly whiney. He heaved himself off the couch and strode towards the back door.
“I’ll let you know.” Logan affected a much chipper voice as he followed Duncan to the door and waved as he walked across Logan’s yard to his own next door. Logan flipped the lock on the sliding glass door, relieved that Duncan was gone.
Looking around the house at all the things he should pack up and take to the new house he felt overwhelmed. Too much. It was all too much and he couldn’t deal with it right now. His mind kept replaying the one real thing that Logan had heard in everything Duncan had said.
Veronica had moved on.
Logan walked back through the house, swiping up the T-shirt laying over the back of the couch, the screen print of a shrimp barely visible. He couldn’t take anything from this house, even the potato peeler had sentimental value.
We're just two lost souls
Swimming in a fish bowl,
Year after year,
Running over the same old ground.
What have we found?
The same old fears.
Wish you were here.
Chapter 5: Everything You're Running From