[fic] The Things We Can't Control - Chapter 45 ~Hot or Something Like It~
Title: The Things We Can't Control
Author:
prettyorianna
Pairing: Akame. Others to be added later.
Rating: NC-17.
Genre: crime drama au
Beta by: my cat Gemma. okay, seriously, nobody
Disclaimer: I don't own KAT-TUN, any of its members, any other JE people. I write this for fun and for other fans of these fine folks. But don't steal my
plots, mmkay? I put a great deal of time into them except for when I'm randomly spastically spitting words onto a page. But I value those too...
Summary: Two criminals with vastly different styles meet by chance one day. Can they work together or will they end up destroying each other?
Author's Note: Finally, a somewhat longer chapter. This one was pretty emotional to write. Plus, when I sat down to write it, Kame and Jin both hijacked it and would only let it go exactly one way. And that way is intense. At least, to me it is. Um, the chapter name, "hot" means hot emotions, not "hot" sexy. Anger, passion, all that fiery stuff.
BANNER BY DESHISORABA!! THE MOST AWESOME BANNER EVER AND I WILL FIGHT ANYONE WHO DISAGREES!
Warning: This gets graphic often occasionally, containing at the very least foul language, character death, nefarious crimes, rape, etc etc.
The Master Posts:
On my journal - The Things We Can't Control Master Post
On the akame_ Community - The Things We Can't Control Master Post
On the akame_fanfics Community - The Things We Can't Control Master Post
On the je_kamenashi Community - The Things We Can't Control Master Post
On the kattun_fanfics Community - The Things We Can't Control Master Post
On the jin_fics Community - The Things We Can't Control Master Post
Chapter 45 ~Hot or Something Like It~
He shouldn’t be so nervous, but after everything Koki said to him and after Kame nearly catching them mid-conversation, it was going to take more than some food to settle Jin’s mind. Unfortunately, he didn’t have time. Kame wanted to see him now and, though he hadn’t the foggiest idea why, he was sure it was something he did wrong. Again.
The office door was standing open like usual but Kame hadn’t yet noticed him.
God, Kame looked so tired. There was some new strain around the eyes that wasn’t there when they talked in the hallway that morning. Something… something happened. Something new. He was sure of it.
Jin he knocked gently on the doorframe. “Kame? You wanted to see me?”
“Please close the door?”
He closed the door but before he could stop himself, “What did I do wrong this time? Whatever it is, I didn’t do it, I swear! I’ve been helping; I’ve been too busy. It wasn’t…”
“Jin?”
“…yeah?”
“Shut up.”
He shut up.
But then Kame closed his eyes and shook his head. “I’m sorry. That was uncalled for.”
Um, yeah. But he wasn’t about to make the mistake of agreeing out loud. “Kame?”
“I… I need your help. I think... I… can’t ask anyone else. I…”
“I don’t mind, but…” and Jin frowned, “you wouldn’t prefer someone, you know, not me?”
“What I prefer and what I can do are two different things. I’d prefer not having to do this at all.”
Yes, this was something bad. He wouldn’t say it out loud, but he was happy Kame was turning to him. Jin wanted to help. He wanted to matter to him. Or… or was he merely the last resort? Would Kame come to him if he had any other options? “What is is, Kame? What’s wrong?”
“Junno’s shop. The robbery. The word on the street is that it’s Kizuna’s doing.”
“And, um… it’s not?”
“God, you’re such an idiot sometimes!” Kame snapped. “No. No, it’s not. It wouldn’t be a problem then, would it?”
“You don’t have to yell at me!” Jin shot back.
“I’m not yelling!”
“You are!”
“Fine! I’m yelling. But I’m pissed off! I have a problem. I can’t handle it myself. I have to work behind the backs of people I trust with my life because I don’t have the luxury of relying on my own judgment. What if they find out? They’ll think I don’t trust them and then they won’t trust me and everything I’ve worked so hard to build w-will f-f-fall apart…”
There. That was it. “Oh, Kame…” and Jin had Koki’s words in his ear as he continued, “They’d never think that. Never.”
“How can you be so sure?” Kame’s eyes narrowed suddenly. “Just what were you and Koki talking about, anyway?”
“You expect me to keep your secrets but not his?”
That stopped Kame. “You’re right. You’re absolutely right.”
And that practically stopped Jin’s heart. Those were words he figured he’d never hear from Kame, ever. Once he was sure he wasn’t actually going to die from the shock, he finally managed to get out, “I know I’m new around here, Kame. I know that I haven’t earned what the others have yet but… I’d like to start. I think… I think I could actually matter here. I could do something right for once instead of just what’s easy. Please, if this is my chance to start down that path, I’ll do whatever it takes. I want… you to be able to count on me. Rely on me. I want… I want…” You.
Wait, what? Talk about inconveniently timed intruding thoughts!
Hopefully before Kame noticed him trip over his words there, he finished with, “to make a home here.”
+++
Kame was absolutely sure that sentence hadn’t ended the same way in Jin’s mind as it had out loud, but he failed to see what could be gained by pressing the issue. But the rest of the words, they had a much stronger effect on him than he’d like to admit. A lot of new members talked about wanting to help the cause or give back what had been given to them by the group. Jin was the first to ever say he wanted him to be able to count on him.
At least, he was the first to say it to Kame. The others probably felt the same but they hadn’t actually said it so bluntly.
Well, Jin was nothing if not blunt. It’s probably why they argued so much, to be honest.
Part of Kame was a little offended that Jin seemed to give him far too much credit when the help he’d gotten was a joint effort by so many others as well. He was a bit outraged on their behalf. But part of him couldn’t help but smile that Jin thought so well of him, whether Kame thought he deserved it or not. There was something remarkably amazing-feeling in having someone else believe in you so much, especially since they’d met less than a week ago.
But he was agreeing to help and that was gratitude Kame could actually express. So he did, saying, “You have no idea how much I appreciate any help you can give me on this. It’s just… it’s such a mess and…”
“Just tell me how I can help,” Jin interrupted.
It was annoying, being interrupted, but Kame let it pass. “Other gangs are having the same trouble, it seems. Someone goes in, hits off-limit targets, and the local gang gets the blame. The rumors go around they’re hitting their own support and suddenly nobody will work with them anymore. But even though the rumors all say Kizuna robbed Junno’s, Detective Nishikido assures me that nobody in our territory actually believes that. Which means that most likely another gang is orchestrating this. But there’s so many ways to do that and I can’t ignore the fact that it’s possible Kizuna’s been infiltrated. But you weren’t in Kizuna when Junno’s was robbed. Junno doesn’t believe you did it, I think. He hasn’t said it, but he’s pretty much lost interest in the whole mess anyway now that he’s been reunited with Tatsuya. I’m sure he’ll care later, but even if he doesn’t, it could happen again. I don’t want someone terrorizing the people we count on or the people we watch out for.
“I have to know for sure. I have to know if Kizuna’s compromised. But… damn it, I trust them! I trust every single one of them! We’re a family!”
Now Jin looked confused. “If you trust them, they why are you…”
“Because I have to. I’m in charge. It’s my responsibility to each of them to make sure. I’m not infallible! I… I can be wrong. Just because I don’t think I am doesn’t mean I can’t, right?”
+++
Okay, Jin had to admit that was a pretty good point. He remembered the way Kame had apologized but still watched him as he counted the money at the out-of-town motel. This was like that, then?
So, what then? “Do you really think I’ll be able to find out something you can’t?”
“No.”
“Well then why bother?”
“Because if I do it myself, they’ll think I don’t trust them. But… if I am wrong, if someone… you’re new. You haven’t got the loyalty-”
Oh, no. No. No no no. “Stop right there. That’s just… that’s fucking insulting!” God, one minute he thinks Kame actually trusts him, believes he has some value and then the next he… Fuck! “I’m not going to stand here and let you… damn it, Kame! I thought you were different! I feel like such an idiot…” Obviously Koki didn’t know the real Kame after all. It was all bullshit, every word of it, wasn’t it? Kame, despite the grand speeches, has the whole lot of them fooled!
“Jin! Calm down; you’re mis…”
“Calm down? CALM DOWN? You know what? Fuck this. Fuck you. Fuck all of you!” He was not staying. Kame could sort out his own damn mess! He… he can’t believe he actually let himself care so much. He let Kame in his head and in his heart and what the hell was he thinking! He knew better. There was nobody you could rely on but yourself in this world. He knew that. He had a lifetime which had already shown him that, at the very least.
Jin spun around, fully ready to storm out of the office, out of the church, and out of Kame’s life for good.
But Kame’s hand shot out, grabbed him by the wrist. Angrily, he spun back around, shouting, “Don’t touch me!”
But what he saw stopped him cold. Kame was… well, it looked like he was almost crying? “Please don’t go, Jin. I need you. I mean… I… I need… I… your help… Please, don’t go. Please.”
+++
He didn’t care Jin was being an impatient idiot again, interrupting, jumping to conclusions. He didn’t care that there was a job to do and he needed Jin’s help. He didn’t care that Jin was angrier than he’d ever seen him, even angrier than he’d been that first day when Kame ruined his bank robbery attempt. All Kame cared was that Jin was leaving and it tore into him and he couldn’t let it happen. He couldn’t let Jin leave. His heart, it just… for an instant, it just shattered and that was all he knew.
“Please, Jin…”
As quickly as it had arrived, Kame saw the anger bleed out of Jin. “Kame…?” and Jin’s eyes were questioning at first. “Oh, Kame…” and then they were pitying… no, not pitying. Something… something else… care. That same care Kame had seen in him before, that he’d felt when Jin held him as he cried for Yoko and the others he’d hurt in his life.
Kame took a step towards Jin, eyes locked with his. A second step and the space between them was just gone. Now Kame’s eyes closed and he leaned up a bit, leaned into Jin, and pressed his lips so very softly against Jin’s. It was… it wasn’t a kiss like any he’d ever had before. Those had all been rough, violent things, with men he didn’t want touching him let alone kissing him. He’d had no choice; it was whatever kept the customer in his room the longest or whatever it took to distract the mark when he hounded.
This… this wasn’t that. It wasn’t that at all. It was gentle and delicate and Jin let Kame guide it entirely even as he moaned against Kame’s lips, like he realized how much Kame needed it to be that way. But Jin’s moan was a sudden reminder of what, exactly, he was doing and it was suddenly too much.
Kame pulled away.
Jin looked dazed.
Oh, god, what had he done?
+++
God, that was unexpected but the most beautiful thing Jin could ever recall feeling. And it’s not like he went around calling things beautiful. It wasn’t a word he really had much use for in his life and he had no idea a kiss could be that way. He was reminded strongly of the scent of jasmine and the taste of strawberries even though he wasn’t quite sure why.
But it took just an instant for him to realize something was now wrong.
Kame had tears streaming steadily down his face and was looking at him with such confusion and just a little bit of fear. His voice was shaking as he said, “I… I can’t… I’m sorry, Jin. I… I just can’t!”
And Kame had pushed past him and disappeared before Jin could stop him.
Now what?
Really, he hadn’t the foggiest idea. He was still pretty dazed and just sort of stood there staring into space with a big, stupid grin and he didn’t care who saw it. He was pretty much unable to care for the moment.
Jasmine and strawberries…
+++
Once he’d found a place to tuck himself into, the dam just broke and Kame was sobbing. Everything was just so messed up. These things he felt, he’d ignored them, he’d denied them. He needed that comfort. He… he just…
It wasn’t right to feel like this. He shouldn’t feel like this. He shouldn’t want these things. Not after a lifetime in which every hint of it, every single experience was twisted and perverted and just… brutal. How could you want something so badly after all that?
It was like his head and his heart and his body were betraying him. They were lying to him, telling him that these things could be good, too, when he knew better.
Because he did know better. His father… those customers he brought to his room… that monster… Ryuichi… Daisuke… Komatsu… all the others… hell, even the twins, to some extent, though out of all of it, they were the only ones he held blameless. They, at least, never lied to him and respected him enough to accept “no” instead of forcing him. But even with them, it never felt right. It still left him feeling dirty and used.
But he wanted Jin. He wanted to be with him, to let him in.
Why?
Why did he want this?
It wasn’t right. It just wasn’t right.
He pulled his knees tighter to his chest and wrapped his arms around them and just kept sobbing.
But then he heard a growl and Koki’s voice, so worried, right in front of him. “I swear to god, I’m going to shoot that idiot in the foot. Talk to me, won’t you? Please, Kame, don’t shut me out now.”
“I’m scared! I’m so scared! Please, tell me this is wrong! Tell me I’m wrong, that I don’t feel like this. That nothing’s different! Koki, I’m so confused! Please, just tell me what to do and I’ll do that and everything will be better, right? PLEASE! PLEASE!! KOKI!!”
“Thank god Reina saw you duck in here…” Koki mumbled. “Kame, you have to calm down. You need to breathe, right? Air, it’s really a lot more important than you’re treating it right now. Seriously, breathe, Kame.”
A pause.
“Kame? Are you even listening to me? Okay, I’m going to go shoot Jin in the foot now. Will that help?”
“Don’t… shoot him.”
“Ah, there you are! Wow, you had me worried there for a minute. You know that, right? Why do you have to do that to an old man like me? My heart can’t take the stress in my old age, you know!”
“Old?”
“Well, older than you are.”
“You’re… you’re being silly.” Kame sniffled, trying to wipe the tears off his cheek with his sleeve despite the fact they were still freely falling.
“Yeah, but it’s working, isn’t it? That’s almost a smile I see on your face, right?”
“No…”
“Well, now you’re just being stubborn,” Koki said, smacking Kame on the forehead lightly.
“Am not.”
“Are too.”
“Am not.”
“Are too. You know, I can do this all night if you want to keep arguing with me. But then I won’t get my beauty sleep and then you’ll have to deal with a grumpy Koki. Is that what you want?”
Kame shook his head. “I guess not. I’m sorry.”
“Now why on earth are you apologizing? We all get a little freaked out now and again. You know that. You’ve watched over me before, remember? When you first brought me here? I was jumpy, coming down off the heroin they forced on me and every time you got near me, I would throw up. But you stayed and you were stubborn then, too.”
“Please don’t tell the others about this?” Kame finally asked.
The look Koki gave him was kind but stern. “We all know you have your secrets, Kame. No, don’t argue and don’t apologize. You’re allowed to keep some things for yourself. Don’t you think you’ve earned that right?” And Koki laughed a little. “Why do you think we let you have the only room in the building that has a lock on it?”
“Because I asked for it?”
“Because we knew you needed it. We want you to have whatever it takes to make you happy. Please, you don’t have to tell us anything you don’t want to and I sure as hell won’t mention anything, but please, please, whatever it takes… be happy. That’s what we need from you. That’s what you need.”
“I don’t like secrets. I don’t like keeping them. I trust you. I trust all of you. I share as much as I… There’s just a couple things I just…”
“Oi!” and Koki smacked him on the forehead again. “Didn’t I say not to apologize?”
“Stop hitting me.”
“Stop needing to be hit.”
And Koki stood up and walked off, just like that.
+++++++++++++++++++++
The story continues:
Chapter 46 ~News on the Twins~
A/N: Well, there you go. Damn, Kame really freaked out. But it's understandable. All of those emotions are tied to things that have never been even slightly positive in his life so even though he understands they are positive for some people, they aren't for him. Which means that something must be wrong with him that wouldn't be wrong for a person who'd had positive associations. Or something. I'm hoping what I mean came out clearly because I'm not 100% sure how to just straight-up explain it.
Jin would be more worried, if he wasn't so out of it.
I think Kame will probably feel embarrassed around Koki for a while but if neither of them says anything more on it, he'll get over that.