LOST 4X09-DOESN'T GET MORE FUCKED UP THAN THIS
content warning for language and sexual situations
Kate: Hello doctor.
Jack: Heyyyyyy hooker.
Kate: Want a handjob?
Jack: Right now my insides want to be on my outsides, but I'll take a rain check.
Kate: Stay sexy.
Jack: Ow.
Jack: If erection lasts more than 4 hours seek medical attention.
Kate: I heard something about an erection, thought I could help.
Jack: No..no, I'm sick Kate. It feels like I'm imploding.
Kate: Know what makes me feel better when I'm sick?
Jack: What's that Kate?
Kate: Sex with Sawyer.
Jack: LOLZ. Wait you're serious.
Jack: Do you think he'd have sex with me? I feel like ass. AND boy would i like to take it up the..ruff ruff..Hey is that Vincent???
Vincent: Raww Roooo Ruuuyyys
Bernard: Help i need HELP. Either this is Weekend at Bernie's 3 or there's a body over here.
Jack: Dad? Oh..wait..phew..nevermind.
Red Shirt: GROSS. Oh fuck it, protein. Let's eat him.
Jack: We will NOT be eating this one guys. Remember last time? Sayid had the runs for days. Danny bear do you know this dead guy?
Daniel: Jacky poo, yeah..he was our Doctor...Doctor Doom.
Kate: Can I call NOT DIBS? I'm going to anyways just to be safe.
(in honor of the dead body, this week's transitions will feature dead lost characters)
::scott click for video tribute made by yours truly::
Hurley: We're all gonna die dude.
Sawyer: Just the unattractive ones though. I'm safe.
Hurley: Not cool dude.
Sawyer: I'm handsome enough to save us both.
Aaron: I think you're both UGs.
Sawyer: Risk. How random. Do you think this has some huge mythological meaning for the intricate plot of our show?
Hurley: You said the samething when I caught you masturbating to dharma porn yesterday.
Keamy: Open sesame or I'll pop a cap in your ass.
Alex: Promise you won't kill me? Pinky swear?
Keamy: Pinky swear.
*RING RING
Locke: Probably just a telemarketer.
Hurley: 1...2...3
Sawyer: NOT IT!
Hurley: NOT IT!
Aaron: NOT IT!
Locke: DAMNIT!
Locke: We don't want any. Take us off your list.
Operator: Code 55you'resoscrewed908
Sawyer: Hey if they're selling porn I'd like one.
Locke: A call came in...Code 55you'resoscrewed908.
Ben: Did they offer you the delux porn package?
Sawyer: For just 5 easy payments of $29.95.
Ben: OMG They're heeeeeereeeeeeeeee.
Sawyer: REALLY? Cause I would think it would take the usual 4 to 6 weeks.
...BBbbbbzzzzzzZZZzspppoingggggg LOST (today's lost recap is brought to you by redshirt 24. Redshirt 24, when he died we were all like-saw that one coming a mile away.)
Ben: I am never smoking pot AGAIN. I MEAN it this time. Well except for 4/20 and Presidents Day. You GOTTA toke on Presidents Day.
A-rabs: AYYYYEEE YA YA YA YA (laura's commentary-oh look extras from Muse's Knights of Cydonia video.)
Ben: Hmmm...from the looks of the movie posters you have in this joint it looks to me like you guys are stuck in America's 1995 pop culture references. Let's see...Que tuhuelce paralla legria cosabuena
A la tuhuelpa legria macarena Eeeh, macarena! Does this do anything for you?
A-Rab1: You do electric slide?
Ben: I'm not jewish...I didn't get invited to any bar mitzvahs..where I'm sure you well know it was taught. JJ Abrams is the best at it.
A-Rab2: No Jerry Seinfeld is the best!
Ben: That's a big gun you got there. They are both very good at it I'm sure. Can I interest either of you gentlemen in an ultravibe pleasure 2000? (joke blatantly stolen from mysticxf, cause she is soo funny ♥ )
Ben: Say hellllllo to my little friend!
A-Rab1: OH i just love Pachino. HOOOOOOOHAAAA!
Ben: G*d I'm good at kicking ass and takin' names. YAH!
*cue Knights of Cydonia music*
::remember that time Boone got pens for Jack? What a dweeb::
Ben: How long did you guys wait before telling me this?
Locke: 5 minutes.
Sawyer: Well 10 if you count our 5 minute we're getting new porn happy dance.
Ben: There goes our 10 minute head start assholes.
Sawyer: What a douche..I don't care if this is his Island..He is NOT looking at any of our new porn.
::Dr. Artz..don't you wish he'd blow up again?::
*still dead.
*cue Jack's gonna use a bad CSI inspired pun music-
Jack: Let's see here. I'm pretty sure he is dead. I know this cause I'm a doctor.
Jack: Looks to me like someone slashed his throat with a KFC spork. Guess whoever he ordered with wasn't having EXTRA CRISPY. (OHHHHHH YEAHHHHHHHhhhhhh csi theme music)
Charlotte: I just threw up in my mouth a little bit. Only original recipe will do, thank you very much.
Jack: Danny darling when was the last time you saw Dr. Doom alive?
Daniel: Well as you know Dr. Sexy Pants time is a relative thing here.
Juliet: Stop with the pet names for Jack or I'll cut you bitch.
Kate: She is FOR SERIOUS! Some of my cuts are still Bleeding.
Bernard: Can't you call your boat and find out what happened?
Daniel: Uhhhh..can't do...phone's...ummm...
Charlotte: Broken?
Daniel: Yeah, broken.
Bernard: Can't you rewire it like MacGyver and communicate with them through clicks?
Kate: I have some wires from my vibrator that just broke. FYI, don't buy shit from Ben.
Daniel: Ok..that could work.
Jack: Hey Bernard.
Bernard: Are you talking to me???
Jack: It's your time to shine dude.
Bernard: REALLY??? You mean...
Jack: It's time for a wicked awesome super secret Jack plan!
Bernard: OH SHIT SON!!!
::Don't cry for redshirt #11. He got to grab Matthew Fox a water in between takes. I fucking hate him.::
Hurley: I don't want to die!!!! I just found a stash of s'more pop tarts in your cabinet! WHOSE gonna eat them if I'm dead??? NO ONE. Then what was the point of those pop tarts ever being created? It's a wasted pop tart life, that's what it is.
Ben: Then eat them up chubs, we don't want meaningless pop tarts.
Sawyer: OMG you're hideous to look at..get inside! They're killing all the UGs!!!
Red Shirt #90: Josh Holloway spoke to MEEEE, totally worth it!
Sawyer: Your face looks like my ass, GET INSIDE! *BANG. HOLY shit I just took a dump prettier than you, RUN! *BANG.
Sawyer: NOOOOO Claire is USUALLY very pretty...they made her wear that wig!
Sawyer: Maybe blocking gun fire with a gas stove wasn't the best decision I've made today.
Sawyer: CLAIRE!!! RUN...or take your wig OFF!!!
Sawyer: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
::Ana Lucia, you were my kind of bitch. *pours alcohol in her memory::
Lady wearing Tunisia attire (cause you don't know what they wear, hahahaha): It's 2005 Sir. Smoking the good stuff are you sir?
Ben: No skunk shit for me please.
Sayid: I just want to bury my wife. My one true love. All those other bitches were just good sex to me. Why does everyone I sleep with DIE???!??!
::Nicki and Paulo. You two were my favorite mistake::
Aaron: SAVE ME FROM THESE IDIOTS!!!
Locke: Hurley stop trying to use Aaron's ginormous ears as a shield. Just cause they're big doesn't mean they're bullet proof.
Sawyer: OMG...Claire...Claire? Where are you? Your contract isn't up until the end of the season. Oh thank g*d.
Sawyer: Now try and look prettier even with that dead animal on your dead. These UG sharp shooters are good.
Hurley: Aww her wig survived the fire? That's just stupid.
Ben: They don't want to kill you people. They want me. It's all about me, remember that and you'll feel better.
Sawyer: Tyra Banks would disagree with you on that. *CRASH
Miles: Sup Gs?
Sawyer: How'd you even get in here?
Miles: Let's not argue logic here. They took a hostage. They said they want to talk to the center of the universe.
Ben: I'm the center of the universe. Anyways, hostage smoshtage. Anyone would die for me, I'm that awesome.
Miles: Dude, it's your daughter.
::Nadia, sure you die in the future, but it makes us sad now.::
Nadia's Ghost: Don't sleep with Sayid..it'll get you killed.
Ben: I'm totally gonna blend in with this neat hat, these shades I stole from future depressed Jack, and this scarf that screams it's way too hot for a scarf, but I'm trendy.
Ben: Hmm..just take some pics for my livejournal...
Ben: Hmmm..caption brainstorm-Baldie drinks coffee. Brilliant.
Ben: OH CRAP. QUICK CAPTION BRAINSTORM-OH CRAP.
Ben: I should run. I wish I didn't wear heels today.
Sayid: Why are you following me...Ben?
Ben: A simple I want to make out with you would have been sufficient.
Sayid: Don't make out with me. Anyone that does is a goner. Why is my penis laced with arsenic?
Ben: It's not your dick dude. Remember that guy from Ugly Betty? He paid off Baldie drinking coffee to kill her.
Ben: Well he's not drinking coffee here, but you can check my livejournal tonight. PICSPAM!
Sayid: Why would he want to kill Shannon? I mean Elsa? I mean Nadia?
Ben: I think the answer will come to you if you stare deeply into my eyes.
Ben: Anything?
Sayid: Not really.
Ben: Well it was worth a try.
::Libby, will they ever touch on your mental health stint with Hurley? Probably not. Shame.::
Locke: Do you know who got kicked off American Idol last night?
Ben: Not David Cook I bet. He's dreamy when they don't do his hair like Christian Siriano from Project Runway. WHAT was that last night?
Ben: Well that's my daughter out there. I wish she was a better runner.
Keamy: I have your daughter out here.
Ben: DUH.
Alex: DADDY! They killed Karl, and my mother! Hey, wait a tic..did you set this up?
Ben: I know how this looks Alex, but this must just be my lucky day.
Keamy: Back to me for a tic...I'm gonna kill your daughter.
Alex: Daddy NO! Don't let me die a virgin!
Keamy: I'm gonna...
Ben: Kill my daughter? G*d you're like a parrot. Listen to me Keamy...this child means nothing to me. I stole her from her bat shit crazy mother because I wanted a dog, but I'm allergic. So shoot her if-
*bang
Ben: Mental note, reverse psychology does not work on psychopaths. Will not use when next stolen kid is taken hostage.
Ben: They changed the rules. It's mother fucking GO TIME.
Sawyer: Go time? Did the porn get here?
Ben: Thinking back I probably should have entered my super crazy secret vault before they shot Alex. Live and learn.
::Charlie, you are much hotter in death...but don't tell green_queen that::
Ben: I got my eyes on you baldie drinkin' coffee. LOLZ, I wonder if someone is taking my picture for their blog???!!!?? Caption-Indiana Jones drinks tea! Crap..where'd he go off to?
Ben: I really need to stop wearing heels.
Baldie Drinkin' Coffee: Why are you putting me in your blog Indiana Jones?
Sayid: *bang bang...bang bang bang bang
bang bang bang bang
bang bang bang bang
bang bang bang bang
Click click click
Ben: That should do it there 007. Now go..live life, have sex for christ sake.
Sayid: No more sex for me...I want to work for you..bring down Ugly Betty guy for all he's taken from me.
Ben: Well, if that's what you want.
Ben: SUCKA.
::Shannon, your constant whining is missed::
Sawyer: Where'd you go? Where's my porn??? Why are you all covered in soot?
Ben: How bout a little less talk, and a little more shut the hell up.
Claire: Hey guys did someone drop Aaron on his head again? There's a new divet.
Locke: What did you do?
Ben: I set it free.
Hurley: I haven't seen a smoke cloud like that since I played a drug dealer on Curb your Enthusiasm.
Red Shirt: Don't cry for me, for this is the coolest death EVER.
Sawyer: Did I eat shrooms? I must have cause that guy just got killed by smoke. I'm gonna go lay down now.
Ben: Go run toward the men with guns. You'll be fine.
Locke: Where the hell do you think you're going???
Ben: I'm going to say goodbye to Alex #6 John. She was probably my favorite of my kidnapped and then brutally killed fake daughters.
Ben: So I guess this means no fathers day gift.
::Eko, you totally could have fended off that smoke monster with your jesus stick. Weak dude..weak.::
*dot dot dotdotdot dddddddddddddooooot dot dotdot line dot
Daniel: OK..they said the doctor had an accident with a KFC spork. Everything is A-OK with them, and they will be here by morning with your friends to rescue all of you! YAY!
Kate: Jack you're right. Daniel is dreamy...Dibs.
Jack: Why you lying to me Boo?
Daniel: Lying? ME? What?
Jack: What was the real message rambo?
Bernard: Daniel was lying...the real message was, what are you talking about? The doctor is fine. We are just about to order some KFC, want to split the family meal with us after you kill those suckers on the beach?
Daniel: Rambo you know morse code?
Bernard: In Jack's wicked awesome super secret plan I do. YYYYEAAAH BOY!
Jack: Dollface Daniel, How could you??? Were you ever gonna rescue us?
Daniel: We were gonna kill you, but I want you to know I feel just awful that we got caught.
Jack: I'm not gonna do what everyone thinks I'm gonna do. KATE, NO TOUCHY NO TOUCHING!
Kate: Just your dick, it will make you feel better.
Jack: Just so you know I'm not over here crying..I may be dying..certainly dry heaving a bit, but not crying. So Jack 9, Jears 0 you haters. (laura says BOOM, bitches!)
::The real Sawyer, you are a worse Dad than Ben and Christian put together-jerk face::
Locke: I guess this is where i do some crazy shit right? I mean I've been sane this whole episode, what's up WIT DAT?
Sawyer: Well I don't know, but I'm not sticking around to find out. Come on Hurley, and Claire-let's go end these cute Jate scenes..it's KILLING the skaters.
Claire: Maybe you and I could hook up. I like sex too.
Ben: This is the look I give you when I control your mind John.
Locke: *CLICK
Sawyer: The fuck Locke.
Locke: Hurley stays with us.
Sawyer: No he stays with me.
Locke: With us.
Sawyer: WITH ME! COME on baldie, BRING IT ON.
Hurley: How bout we bring it OFF guys? Put your guns down, I'm going with Locke...I'm a jater, and you are gonna ruin everything Sawyer!
Sawyer: Well ok, but don't you hurt him Locke. He's my new boy crush.
Hurley: Awww, that's so sweet. Later gay dude.
::The real Henry Gale, sorry you died dude::
Ben: Why hello, I'm here to visit Madam Frou Frou and her sex slave in apartment 1E.
Bellhopper Steve: At this time Sir?
Ben: Well they're expecting me, would you care to call up? (*readies poison dart)
Bellhopper Steve: WAYYYYY too lazy for that Sir.
Ben: Hellllllo...Charles.
Guy from Ugly Betty: Come here to kill me, did you Ben?
Ben: Not mysterious enough...I'm just gonna say you know I can't do that.
Guy from Ugly Betty: Then what do you want Mr. Creepy, I'm sleepin' here.
Ben: You killed my daughter. You changed the rules. Now I'm going to kill your daughter. I know this plot was on as the world turns, but I think Lost will do a much better job at it.
Guy from Ugly Betty: One would hope.
Ben: WORD.
BOING* LOST
for spreading the dumb-
http://prettybutt.livejournal.com/127158.html">
if you read this-leave one...you obviously have enough freetime to do so if you read all of that crap.
Let's just pretend Kevin Johnson never was. One day I'll do it..one day.
Off to New Hampshire to turn my impressionable nephew onto Lost. I should warn you my crazy will be OFF THE CHARTS after tomorrow's lost. LIKE WHOA. *loves, and runs