The Paternal Catalyst 3
The Paternal Catalyst
Rating: PG
Word Count: Over 44,000 in all
Disclaimer: I own nothing you recognize except California. That I rule.
Spoilers: Up to the Maternal Congruence
Summary: Because of Penny's father, Penny finds herself hiding in the laundry room while Sheldon constructs a dating formula and Leonard performs human experiments.
Author's Note: In this fic, Bernadette and Howard are broken up. I originally had a subplot that revolved around their break-up and make-up. However, I couldn't really work it in without disrupting the flow. I MAY write it as a companion piece but as of now, consider this fic AU in that respect.
(This fic was beta'd by the charming talkingmetaphor without whom I would still have the shoddy grammar that comes from writing while an insomniac)
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
3
Penny
I never did go to sleep.
The alcohol gave me such a fog I could barely think straight enough to make it to the bathroom, much less contemplate what could have transpired. But each time I went horizontal, my stomach threatened to spill it’s contents. So I tried sitting up but that didn’t work when I closed my eyes, and still made me sick. So I forced myself to stay awake and wait out the hangover. I knew that eating something would probably be best, that and some good old coffee. But I was scared of the food making me worse, and I didn’t have any coffee.
I sipped water instead, and turned on the TV to the lowest volume, setting the brightness to the point where I could just barely make out shapes. Any light seemed to slice through my eyeballs and my head throbbed horribly.
How long I sat there watching a special on tanks on the History channel, I don’t know. I don’t even think I retained any of the information though I did take notice of a dancing frog commercial. It was during said commercial that someone hit a wrecking ball against my door. I cringed and curled up as tight as I could, folding my feet beneath the overlong shirt and squeezing my hands against the side of my head.
‘Penny?’ It was Leonard, slightly muffled through the heavy door.
I remembered him vaguely from last night. Just him looking shocked. I’m such a horrible person. It was a belated concern, but I finally realized the full implication of my actions the night before. I might have cheated on him, with his roommate. And Leonard was so sweet and he didn’t deserve that, nor did Sheldon. God, I was a home-wrecker.
He knocked some more but I held my own through it, feeling wretched for my cowardice. Finally, he gave up and I could hear him walking away.
Would I hole myself up in my apartment for the rest of my life? No, but I would for a while, at least until I could figure things out.
I was just about to turn my attention back to the army guy when more knocking sounded. This time three knocks in quick succession, followed by my name, then it all twice more, Sheldon. Oh, I definitely didn’t want to see him. I know the right thing to do would have been to own up and apologize, but I just didn’t want to. I felt like such crap from the alcohol alone, I wasn’t sure if I could take the address stress.
It was quiet so I thought he’d left. But then I heard him say, ‘Penny, I know you’re in there.’
I held my breath.
‘I can still hear you.’
Damn his hearing! ‘S’open,’ I called, though it came out heavily slurred and barely audible.
Still in his robe and pajamas, Sheldon stepped smartly into the room and shut the door behind him. I rolled my eyes over to him and he looked at me with disapproval. ‘I want you to return what you stole.’
‘I din’t steal anythin’,’ I protested.
He pointed to my chest. ‘I’ve caught you red-handed or, more appropriately, red-shirted.’
I looked down to see an upside-down lightening bolt on my chest and I remembered it was the symbol of some super hero… or villain… or something. The shirt I had been thanking for being so soft (the toilet for being so cool, the couch, cushiony) was indeed one I’d seen on Sheldon many times. The one, it would seem, I’d taken from his closet. A bit sheepish, I said, ‘Oh.’
‘Oh is right,’ he lectured, walking around to take a seat next to me. ‘I want to know why you stole from me after I opened my home to you.’
‘Shhh,’ I begged. ‘Nosso loud.’
He dropped his voice to a whisper. ‘Ah. A common result of heavy intake of alcohol can result in audio sensitivity, sometimes coupled with aversion to light, nausea, and headaches.’
‘I din’t steal from you,’ I told him, barely able to stay on one track, let alone understand his geek speak. ‘I jusscouldn’t find my clothes.’ Nooo, that wasn’t the way I wanted to crack the problem. ‘Sheld’n, whahappened lassnight?.’
‘Do you mean before or after you burglarized my apartment then stole away into the night like a common criminal?’
I wasn’t to be deterred. ‘Did we have sexslass night?’
His mouth opened, ready to give out one of his usual responses, but then he looked at me. ‘What?’ This voice wasn’t his usual smugness or explanation, but one of complete befuddlement. ‘Sorry. I don’t follow.’
‘Sheld’n.’ I tried to turn myself so I was facing him, but couldn’t hold my head up. ‘I don’ ‘member lassnight, kay? Jussat I woke up in your bed, prac’ly naked.’
‘People aren’t allowed in my room,’ he said, almost robotically. Then when he saw that my anger was not diluted by the vodka, he tried again. ‘Memory black-outs are also a side-effect of ethanol consumption. Did you know that--’
‘Sheld’n!’
Sheldon looked peeved as could be but did start talking. ‘I cannot speak for what happened to you earlier in the night as I was not there. But at approximately one in the morning, you showed up at my door, and said you didn’t have your keys. I couldn’t understand much, but you mentioned a car, and someone named Amber, and then asked if I could let you stay over. As I am aware this is a facet of friendships, I relented and allowed you. I checked your blood-alcohol level to determine whether or not you had alcohol poisoning, before I could allow you to sleep. Before you went into Leonard’s room--where you insisted on sleeping--you proceeded to tell me something about your father, and then asked me not to tell anyone anything.’
. . . ‘And then?’
‘And then you went to bed.’ He squinted at me. ‘Really, whatever you drank last night has done a number on your intelligence.’
‘So we din’t have sex?’
‘No!’ he said, in such an offended manner I almost felt a bit hurt. He leveled his voice out, remembering my audio--audible--loud things hurt. ‘I don’t know why you wound up in my bedroom, in my . . . bed. And since you are experiencing difficulties with your long-term memory, I suppose we’ll never know. However, knowing the effects of the drug in your system, I assume you got up to use the restroom, then got confused on your way back.’
I should have been relieved. So why wasn’t I?
He looked at me, really looked at me. ‘You’re sweating. And your speech is slurred. From my understanding, these effects should only be present the night of, not the morning after, heavy drinking. Did you resume alcoholic intake?’
‘No. I jussdin’t sleep.’
Sheldon’s blue eyes loomed far too close in my vision. ‘Have you eaten anything?’
‘Donwan barf.’
Sighing as if I was an invalid, he stood up and left.
Good now that was over with.
But minutes later he was back, balancing a glass of what looked like orange juice, a small white bottle, a plate of toast, and an ice pack. On his heels was Leonard, practically bounding around his roommate to see what was going on. ‘Sheldon, what is going on?’
Sheldon ignored him but instead made a beeline to me. He held out the glass. ‘Drink.’
‘Got water. But thanks sweetie.’
‘The acetaldehyde most likely in the drinks you had has made you dehydrated. Juice is best suited for replenishing the body of liquids.’ He paused. ‘Drink.’
I made one last protest. ‘Whabout coffee?’
His heavy lidded eyes glowered at me, as if to accuse me of being stupid on purpose. ‘Really, Penny. Even you should know caffeinated drinks will worsen the dehydration.’
Sighing, I took the glass from him. As if daring me to spit it back up, Sheldon stared hard at me until I took a long enough sip.
Once that was completed, he unscrewed the cap of the little bottle and dumped out two red pills. ‘For the pain.’
‘What’re they?’
‘Trust me,’ was all he said. And who else could I trust but him? He was a super genius, after all, his weakness solely in personal affairs. Technical stuff like medicine . . . yeah I had to trust him. So I took the unmarked tablets and chased them with the slightly sour liquid.
Next he held out the plate with one piece of toast.
‘Whassat face onnit?’ I asked, noting the burn lines, making up what might be a dog.
‘A Cylon,’ he said.
I stared at the food dubiously. ‘But I’ll barf--’
‘Penny,’ he said and I knew by the tone of his voice, he was getting tired of me arguing. ‘In order for your body to gain back the energy it lost, and soak up the acetaldehyde and get rid of it, you need nourishment. Also, bland foods such as toast will help to ease the stomach.’
I was beginning to feel like a little kid, and resenting him for it. But nevertheless I complied as I didn’t have the energy to spar with him. ‘Syour fault, I barf. You’re cleanin’ it up.’ As I broke off my first piece, Leonard, who had been standing by the chair with his arms folded, alarm on his face, blurted, ‘Okay, what the hell is going on here?’
Sheldon looked lazily up at his roommate. ‘Can’t you tell? Penny is sick. She imbibed a lot of alcohol last night.’
‘Yes, but why are you taking care of her.’
‘Leonard, were you not here to witness her trying to imbibe caffeine while intoxicated? The state her mind is in, I wouldn’t be surprised if she tried to take acetaminophen. And keep your voice down. Penny’s brain is processing sound at a much louder frequency than is actually being presented.’
Somehow my sluggish brain translated that, though I still couldn’t say it. ‘Whasswrong with aseetaph--asstameta--Tylenol?’
‘Nothing if you don’t mind your liver exploding.’ He took the empty plate from me and set it on the table. ‘Now, you need to get sleep. REM sleep is necessary, not just in general, but to aid your body in flushing the toxins from your system. It is in this state that certain parts of your brain shut itself down to some in-house cleaning. Something I will suggest you do outside of your cerebral cortex. Without this repairing, the brain degrades and you are more susceptible to--’
Sheldon’s intelligence never passed my attention and I knew, logically, that everything he was saying was right. Or probably was. However, when you’re feeling incredibly pukey and self-hating for putting yourself in such a state, logic does not enter into the equation. Pounding migraines, however, do. Though he was doing his best to keep his voice low, any noise at all was painful. So I said, ‘Sleep it off. I get it.’
I stood up and Leonard rushed to my side. ‘I’ll help you get to bed,’ he said, and grabbed my elbow. I was drunk, but not incapacitated. Still, I let him walk me into my bedroom while Sheldon announced he was going back to their apartment to get his cleaning supplies. I wanted to argue but I didn’t have the energy. My place needed to be straightened up anyway.
Once we got into my bedroom, Leonard shut the door, muffling any sounds Sheldon would soon be making. He helped tuck me in but didn’t leave immediately, choosing instead to perch on the edge of my bed. ‘Penny,’ he started, hesitantly. ‘I don’t want you to think I’m accusing you of something, because I’m not.’ This last bit he added in haste, though I made no move to protest. He sighed, scrunched up his face and looked at me from the corner of his eyes. ‘What happened last night, between you and Sheldon?’
‘I don’member,’ I said honestly. Leonard adopted a worried look on his face and my stomach lurched at his sweetness. We’d gotten into fights numerous times, sometimes about me hanging out with men. I’d gathered that he somehow didn’t feel worthy of me (and I felt the other way around), so he got a bit jealous of any guy I hung out with. I’d finally convinced him to get over his insecurity issues (I didn’t worry about him working with Leslie, who he once dated) and let me have male friends. Leonard was so unlike men I dated, in that if I did cheat on him (which I never would do, never did to anyone) he’d probably just blame himself. Yet as he sat on my bed, I could tell he was worried as well. Not in losing me, but for Sheldon. And yes, maybe some worry was of losing me. I truly did not deserve him. ‘But Sheld’n filled me in on the details. I wennout las’night with some friends, and they dropped me off at home. Or somethin’. I wounup outside of your apartment, forgot my keys. Sheld’n lemme in and lemme stay.’ It nearly made me toss my cookies but I omitted the part where I woke up in Sheldon’s bed. It was an unnecessary detail. Wait. ‘Why din’t you assheld’n?’
He was insistent. ‘He said you made him swear not to tell me.’
Why would I do that? Why would I keep something from my boyfriend? Well, except for my physics lessons with Sheldon, and the whole not-finishing-community-college thing. Okay so the only things I kept from Leonard were things I was self-conscious about. Maybe I’d told Sheldon something I didn’t want Leonard to know . . . but what? If I didn’t find it out, I was going to eat myself away from the inside. ‘I din’t want you to know I stuply forgot my keys in my car. D’you think you could get them for me?’
There was a second of hesitation but he nodded and stood up. ‘Sure.’
He left the door open just enough that I could see through to my front door. Through the space I saw him say something toward where my kitchen was, and dimly heard Sheldon reply. Then Leonard was through the door and as soon as I felt it was safe enough, I yelled for Sheldon.
Wielding a feather duster like a club, he poked his head in. ‘You’re supposed to be asleep.’
‘C’mere,’ I ordered him, patting my bed. ‘I gotta talk t’you before Leonard gessback.’
‘Sleep first. We can talk later.’ Then he disappeared.
I got desperate. ‘Wait!’
He was back and there was an expression on his face that could only be barely-contained impatience. The fact that he was containing it at all was flattering.
‘Sing Soffkiddy to me.’ I pouted my lips and widened my eyes.
‘You’re not sick.’
‘But I could get sick,’ I warned.
He sighed and worked his jaw. I was using something close to him and I was damn proud of my brilliance. He sighed again and set down the duster before coming to sit on my bed.
As soon as he did, I grabbed his hand and held it with both of mine. I didn’t let him start. ‘We gotta talk.’
‘Penny . . .’
‘Leonard said I told you notta tell him ‘bout lassnight. Whaddid I wanna keep secret?’ Even though I could phrase the words in my mind perfectly fine, they were coming out odd. Like my lips and tongue were only half-heartedly forming the words and I didn’t know how to make them comply fully.
‘I’m not sure . . .’ I could see him working through his brain to figure it out. ‘You said many things but you didn’t specify which you didn’t want said.’
‘What all did I say?’ Sheldon asked if I wanted it verbatim or paraphrased, I asked for the latter.
He got a glazed look to his eyes, like a person listening into a phone. ‘The first thing you did was explain that you locked your keys in your car to prevent yourself from driving home; disregarding the fact that you then had no way of unlocking your car, there were many other reasons for the illogic in this move. For example, as you explained it, you were picked up from here by a designated driver, who then returned you after you were through; after which action you locked your keys up which was pointless because--’
‘I geddit Sheld’n,’ I told him impatiently.
‘--but your reasoning skills were severely impaired,’ he finished. ‘You then asked me if I had the spare key and I explained that I did not; Leonard kept it on his person. You then asked if you could stay over, which sounded more like a demand in my opinion, particularly when you made a point to remind me that you had once done the same for me.’ Here he gave me a stern look, probably to remind me how unnecessary it was to remind him of anything. ‘You insisted on talking and so you did… at length. You said that your friend Tiffany was sleeping with your ex-boyfriend Todd, a customer at the Cheesecake Factory yelled at you because his mashed potatoes had chives in them, which he mistook for onions. He called you ugly and since you rely on the opinions of others, it made you sad. You said nobody hit on you in the bar. I looked that up, actually, and it would seem that is much less painful than I’d originally thought. Oh, and you mentioned that your father had called you, saying he was coming down to visit you.’
I could just remember being on the phone and the dread I felt after I hung up, but the rest had been Etch-A-Sketched away. I wasn’t living the dream my father so disapproved of; I was a pathetic waitress. I hadn’t done anything for myself and he was coming here? ‘Thassit,’ I say, squeezing his arm. ‘You can’t tell Leonard about my dad coming into town. Promise.’
He rolled his eyes and tried to wiggle free. ‘Penny, I already promised.’
‘You won’t tell?’
‘No. Now let go of my arm.’ I did and he rubbed it. But he didn’t immediately get up, just sat there sort of looking down at the bed.
Then he looked up and away and asked, ‘Are you ashamed of him?’
‘Leonard?’
He shook his head. ‘Your father.’
‘No,’ I said.
‘Then why don’t you want Leonard to know?’
I shrugged. ‘My dad doesn’t ‘prove of anythin’ I do, really. He cricised my choice to come here, my aspertions, has always had a problem with eash one of m’boyfriends. He preferred the onesoo were manlier, and he would try to make them his surrogate sons. And when those guys evenshly turned into assholes, dad gave me the colshoulder for weeks affer I’d broken up with them. Leonard isn’t . . . well he’s masculine but he’snot Dad’s ideal son. And if I’m datin’ someone Dad doesn’want to parent, then he’ll ridicule that particular guy to tears.’
‘Is that why you choose to have so many sexual partners, in an attempt to please your father?’
I ignored his question. I had a feeling the father’s phone call was probably the catalyst that resulted in my night of drinking. Now that I had to actually deal with the problem, face the fact that I was going to face Dear Old Daddy again, I no longer regretted my hangover. I understood it. Don’t get me wrong, I loved my dad. He’d never been bad to me, per se, but he’d always been disappointed in me, no matter what. I’d never be good enough for him. I knew this, but I still tried.
‘Sheld’n,’ I purr, clutching his sleeve before he could leave. ‘Sing Soffkiddy.’
Chapter 4
Rating: PG
Word Count: Over 44,000 in all
Disclaimer: I own nothing you recognize except California. That I rule.
Spoilers: Up to the Maternal Congruence
Summary: Because of Penny's father, Penny finds herself hiding in the laundry room while Sheldon constructs a dating formula and Leonard performs human experiments.
Author's Note: In this fic, Bernadette and Howard are broken up. I originally had a subplot that revolved around their break-up and make-up. However, I couldn't really work it in without disrupting the flow. I MAY write it as a companion piece but as of now, consider this fic AU in that respect.
(This fic was beta'd by the charming talkingmetaphor without whom I would still have the shoddy grammar that comes from writing while an insomniac)
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
3
Penny
I never did go to sleep.
The alcohol gave me such a fog I could barely think straight enough to make it to the bathroom, much less contemplate what could have transpired. But each time I went horizontal, my stomach threatened to spill it’s contents. So I tried sitting up but that didn’t work when I closed my eyes, and still made me sick. So I forced myself to stay awake and wait out the hangover. I knew that eating something would probably be best, that and some good old coffee. But I was scared of the food making me worse, and I didn’t have any coffee.
I sipped water instead, and turned on the TV to the lowest volume, setting the brightness to the point where I could just barely make out shapes. Any light seemed to slice through my eyeballs and my head throbbed horribly.
How long I sat there watching a special on tanks on the History channel, I don’t know. I don’t even think I retained any of the information though I did take notice of a dancing frog commercial. It was during said commercial that someone hit a wrecking ball against my door. I cringed and curled up as tight as I could, folding my feet beneath the overlong shirt and squeezing my hands against the side of my head.
‘Penny?’ It was Leonard, slightly muffled through the heavy door.
I remembered him vaguely from last night. Just him looking shocked. I’m such a horrible person. It was a belated concern, but I finally realized the full implication of my actions the night before. I might have cheated on him, with his roommate. And Leonard was so sweet and he didn’t deserve that, nor did Sheldon. God, I was a home-wrecker.
He knocked some more but I held my own through it, feeling wretched for my cowardice. Finally, he gave up and I could hear him walking away.
Would I hole myself up in my apartment for the rest of my life? No, but I would for a while, at least until I could figure things out.
I was just about to turn my attention back to the army guy when more knocking sounded. This time three knocks in quick succession, followed by my name, then it all twice more, Sheldon. Oh, I definitely didn’t want to see him. I know the right thing to do would have been to own up and apologize, but I just didn’t want to. I felt like such crap from the alcohol alone, I wasn’t sure if I could take the address stress.
It was quiet so I thought he’d left. But then I heard him say, ‘Penny, I know you’re in there.’
I held my breath.
‘I can still hear you.’
Damn his hearing! ‘S’open,’ I called, though it came out heavily slurred and barely audible.
Still in his robe and pajamas, Sheldon stepped smartly into the room and shut the door behind him. I rolled my eyes over to him and he looked at me with disapproval. ‘I want you to return what you stole.’
‘I din’t steal anythin’,’ I protested.
He pointed to my chest. ‘I’ve caught you red-handed or, more appropriately, red-shirted.’
I looked down to see an upside-down lightening bolt on my chest and I remembered it was the symbol of some super hero… or villain… or something. The shirt I had been thanking for being so soft (the toilet for being so cool, the couch, cushiony) was indeed one I’d seen on Sheldon many times. The one, it would seem, I’d taken from his closet. A bit sheepish, I said, ‘Oh.’
‘Oh is right,’ he lectured, walking around to take a seat next to me. ‘I want to know why you stole from me after I opened my home to you.’
‘Shhh,’ I begged. ‘Nosso loud.’
He dropped his voice to a whisper. ‘Ah. A common result of heavy intake of alcohol can result in audio sensitivity, sometimes coupled with aversion to light, nausea, and headaches.’
‘I din’t steal from you,’ I told him, barely able to stay on one track, let alone understand his geek speak. ‘I jusscouldn’t find my clothes.’ Nooo, that wasn’t the way I wanted to crack the problem. ‘Sheld’n, whahappened lassnight?.’
‘Do you mean before or after you burglarized my apartment then stole away into the night like a common criminal?’
I wasn’t to be deterred. ‘Did we have sexslass night?’
His mouth opened, ready to give out one of his usual responses, but then he looked at me. ‘What?’ This voice wasn’t his usual smugness or explanation, but one of complete befuddlement. ‘Sorry. I don’t follow.’
‘Sheld’n.’ I tried to turn myself so I was facing him, but couldn’t hold my head up. ‘I don’ ‘member lassnight, kay? Jussat I woke up in your bed, prac’ly naked.’
‘People aren’t allowed in my room,’ he said, almost robotically. Then when he saw that my anger was not diluted by the vodka, he tried again. ‘Memory black-outs are also a side-effect of ethanol consumption. Did you know that--’
‘Sheld’n!’
Sheldon looked peeved as could be but did start talking. ‘I cannot speak for what happened to you earlier in the night as I was not there. But at approximately one in the morning, you showed up at my door, and said you didn’t have your keys. I couldn’t understand much, but you mentioned a car, and someone named Amber, and then asked if I could let you stay over. As I am aware this is a facet of friendships, I relented and allowed you. I checked your blood-alcohol level to determine whether or not you had alcohol poisoning, before I could allow you to sleep. Before you went into Leonard’s room--where you insisted on sleeping--you proceeded to tell me something about your father, and then asked me not to tell anyone anything.’
. . . ‘And then?’
‘And then you went to bed.’ He squinted at me. ‘Really, whatever you drank last night has done a number on your intelligence.’
‘So we din’t have sex?’
‘No!’ he said, in such an offended manner I almost felt a bit hurt. He leveled his voice out, remembering my audio--audible--loud things hurt. ‘I don’t know why you wound up in my bedroom, in my . . . bed. And since you are experiencing difficulties with your long-term memory, I suppose we’ll never know. However, knowing the effects of the drug in your system, I assume you got up to use the restroom, then got confused on your way back.’
I should have been relieved. So why wasn’t I?
He looked at me, really looked at me. ‘You’re sweating. And your speech is slurred. From my understanding, these effects should only be present the night of, not the morning after, heavy drinking. Did you resume alcoholic intake?’
‘No. I jussdin’t sleep.’
Sheldon’s blue eyes loomed far too close in my vision. ‘Have you eaten anything?’
‘Donwan barf.’
Sighing as if I was an invalid, he stood up and left.
Good now that was over with.
But minutes later he was back, balancing a glass of what looked like orange juice, a small white bottle, a plate of toast, and an ice pack. On his heels was Leonard, practically bounding around his roommate to see what was going on. ‘Sheldon, what is going on?’
Sheldon ignored him but instead made a beeline to me. He held out the glass. ‘Drink.’
‘Got water. But thanks sweetie.’
‘The acetaldehyde most likely in the drinks you had has made you dehydrated. Juice is best suited for replenishing the body of liquids.’ He paused. ‘Drink.’
I made one last protest. ‘Whabout coffee?’
His heavy lidded eyes glowered at me, as if to accuse me of being stupid on purpose. ‘Really, Penny. Even you should know caffeinated drinks will worsen the dehydration.’
Sighing, I took the glass from him. As if daring me to spit it back up, Sheldon stared hard at me until I took a long enough sip.
Once that was completed, he unscrewed the cap of the little bottle and dumped out two red pills. ‘For the pain.’
‘What’re they?’
‘Trust me,’ was all he said. And who else could I trust but him? He was a super genius, after all, his weakness solely in personal affairs. Technical stuff like medicine . . . yeah I had to trust him. So I took the unmarked tablets and chased them with the slightly sour liquid.
Next he held out the plate with one piece of toast.
‘Whassat face onnit?’ I asked, noting the burn lines, making up what might be a dog.
‘A Cylon,’ he said.
I stared at the food dubiously. ‘But I’ll barf--’
‘Penny,’ he said and I knew by the tone of his voice, he was getting tired of me arguing. ‘In order for your body to gain back the energy it lost, and soak up the acetaldehyde and get rid of it, you need nourishment. Also, bland foods such as toast will help to ease the stomach.’
I was beginning to feel like a little kid, and resenting him for it. But nevertheless I complied as I didn’t have the energy to spar with him. ‘Syour fault, I barf. You’re cleanin’ it up.’ As I broke off my first piece, Leonard, who had been standing by the chair with his arms folded, alarm on his face, blurted, ‘Okay, what the hell is going on here?’
Sheldon looked lazily up at his roommate. ‘Can’t you tell? Penny is sick. She imbibed a lot of alcohol last night.’
‘Yes, but why are you taking care of her.’
‘Leonard, were you not here to witness her trying to imbibe caffeine while intoxicated? The state her mind is in, I wouldn’t be surprised if she tried to take acetaminophen. And keep your voice down. Penny’s brain is processing sound at a much louder frequency than is actually being presented.’
Somehow my sluggish brain translated that, though I still couldn’t say it. ‘Whasswrong with aseetaph--asstameta--Tylenol?’
‘Nothing if you don’t mind your liver exploding.’ He took the empty plate from me and set it on the table. ‘Now, you need to get sleep. REM sleep is necessary, not just in general, but to aid your body in flushing the toxins from your system. It is in this state that certain parts of your brain shut itself down to some in-house cleaning. Something I will suggest you do outside of your cerebral cortex. Without this repairing, the brain degrades and you are more susceptible to--’
Sheldon’s intelligence never passed my attention and I knew, logically, that everything he was saying was right. Or probably was. However, when you’re feeling incredibly pukey and self-hating for putting yourself in such a state, logic does not enter into the equation. Pounding migraines, however, do. Though he was doing his best to keep his voice low, any noise at all was painful. So I said, ‘Sleep it off. I get it.’
I stood up and Leonard rushed to my side. ‘I’ll help you get to bed,’ he said, and grabbed my elbow. I was drunk, but not incapacitated. Still, I let him walk me into my bedroom while Sheldon announced he was going back to their apartment to get his cleaning supplies. I wanted to argue but I didn’t have the energy. My place needed to be straightened up anyway.
Once we got into my bedroom, Leonard shut the door, muffling any sounds Sheldon would soon be making. He helped tuck me in but didn’t leave immediately, choosing instead to perch on the edge of my bed. ‘Penny,’ he started, hesitantly. ‘I don’t want you to think I’m accusing you of something, because I’m not.’ This last bit he added in haste, though I made no move to protest. He sighed, scrunched up his face and looked at me from the corner of his eyes. ‘What happened last night, between you and Sheldon?’
‘I don’member,’ I said honestly. Leonard adopted a worried look on his face and my stomach lurched at his sweetness. We’d gotten into fights numerous times, sometimes about me hanging out with men. I’d gathered that he somehow didn’t feel worthy of me (and I felt the other way around), so he got a bit jealous of any guy I hung out with. I’d finally convinced him to get over his insecurity issues (I didn’t worry about him working with Leslie, who he once dated) and let me have male friends. Leonard was so unlike men I dated, in that if I did cheat on him (which I never would do, never did to anyone) he’d probably just blame himself. Yet as he sat on my bed, I could tell he was worried as well. Not in losing me, but for Sheldon. And yes, maybe some worry was of losing me. I truly did not deserve him. ‘But Sheld’n filled me in on the details. I wennout las’night with some friends, and they dropped me off at home. Or somethin’. I wounup outside of your apartment, forgot my keys. Sheld’n lemme in and lemme stay.’ It nearly made me toss my cookies but I omitted the part where I woke up in Sheldon’s bed. It was an unnecessary detail. Wait. ‘Why din’t you assheld’n?’
He was insistent. ‘He said you made him swear not to tell me.’
Why would I do that? Why would I keep something from my boyfriend? Well, except for my physics lessons with Sheldon, and the whole not-finishing-community-college thing. Okay so the only things I kept from Leonard were things I was self-conscious about. Maybe I’d told Sheldon something I didn’t want Leonard to know . . . but what? If I didn’t find it out, I was going to eat myself away from the inside. ‘I din’t want you to know I stuply forgot my keys in my car. D’you think you could get them for me?’
There was a second of hesitation but he nodded and stood up. ‘Sure.’
He left the door open just enough that I could see through to my front door. Through the space I saw him say something toward where my kitchen was, and dimly heard Sheldon reply. Then Leonard was through the door and as soon as I felt it was safe enough, I yelled for Sheldon.
Wielding a feather duster like a club, he poked his head in. ‘You’re supposed to be asleep.’
‘C’mere,’ I ordered him, patting my bed. ‘I gotta talk t’you before Leonard gessback.’
‘Sleep first. We can talk later.’ Then he disappeared.
I got desperate. ‘Wait!’
He was back and there was an expression on his face that could only be barely-contained impatience. The fact that he was containing it at all was flattering.
‘Sing Soffkiddy to me.’ I pouted my lips and widened my eyes.
‘You’re not sick.’
‘But I could get sick,’ I warned.
He sighed and worked his jaw. I was using something close to him and I was damn proud of my brilliance. He sighed again and set down the duster before coming to sit on my bed.
As soon as he did, I grabbed his hand and held it with both of mine. I didn’t let him start. ‘We gotta talk.’
‘Penny . . .’
‘Leonard said I told you notta tell him ‘bout lassnight. Whaddid I wanna keep secret?’ Even though I could phrase the words in my mind perfectly fine, they were coming out odd. Like my lips and tongue were only half-heartedly forming the words and I didn’t know how to make them comply fully.
‘I’m not sure . . .’ I could see him working through his brain to figure it out. ‘You said many things but you didn’t specify which you didn’t want said.’
‘What all did I say?’ Sheldon asked if I wanted it verbatim or paraphrased, I asked for the latter.
He got a glazed look to his eyes, like a person listening into a phone. ‘The first thing you did was explain that you locked your keys in your car to prevent yourself from driving home; disregarding the fact that you then had no way of unlocking your car, there were many other reasons for the illogic in this move. For example, as you explained it, you were picked up from here by a designated driver, who then returned you after you were through; after which action you locked your keys up which was pointless because--’
‘I geddit Sheld’n,’ I told him impatiently.
‘--but your reasoning skills were severely impaired,’ he finished. ‘You then asked me if I had the spare key and I explained that I did not; Leonard kept it on his person. You then asked if you could stay over, which sounded more like a demand in my opinion, particularly when you made a point to remind me that you had once done the same for me.’ Here he gave me a stern look, probably to remind me how unnecessary it was to remind him of anything. ‘You insisted on talking and so you did… at length. You said that your friend Tiffany was sleeping with your ex-boyfriend Todd, a customer at the Cheesecake Factory yelled at you because his mashed potatoes had chives in them, which he mistook for onions. He called you ugly and since you rely on the opinions of others, it made you sad. You said nobody hit on you in the bar. I looked that up, actually, and it would seem that is much less painful than I’d originally thought. Oh, and you mentioned that your father had called you, saying he was coming down to visit you.’
I could just remember being on the phone and the dread I felt after I hung up, but the rest had been Etch-A-Sketched away. I wasn’t living the dream my father so disapproved of; I was a pathetic waitress. I hadn’t done anything for myself and he was coming here? ‘Thassit,’ I say, squeezing his arm. ‘You can’t tell Leonard about my dad coming into town. Promise.’
He rolled his eyes and tried to wiggle free. ‘Penny, I already promised.’
‘You won’t tell?’
‘No. Now let go of my arm.’ I did and he rubbed it. But he didn’t immediately get up, just sat there sort of looking down at the bed.
Then he looked up and away and asked, ‘Are you ashamed of him?’
‘Leonard?’
He shook his head. ‘Your father.’
‘No,’ I said.
‘Then why don’t you want Leonard to know?’
I shrugged. ‘My dad doesn’t ‘prove of anythin’ I do, really. He cricised my choice to come here, my aspertions, has always had a problem with eash one of m’boyfriends. He preferred the onesoo were manlier, and he would try to make them his surrogate sons. And when those guys evenshly turned into assholes, dad gave me the colshoulder for weeks affer I’d broken up with them. Leonard isn’t . . . well he’s masculine but he’snot Dad’s ideal son. And if I’m datin’ someone Dad doesn’want to parent, then he’ll ridicule that particular guy to tears.’
‘Is that why you choose to have so many sexual partners, in an attempt to please your father?’
I ignored his question. I had a feeling the father’s phone call was probably the catalyst that resulted in my night of drinking. Now that I had to actually deal with the problem, face the fact that I was going to face Dear Old Daddy again, I no longer regretted my hangover. I understood it. Don’t get me wrong, I loved my dad. He’d never been bad to me, per se, but he’d always been disappointed in me, no matter what. I’d never be good enough for him. I knew this, but I still tried.
‘Sheld’n,’ I purr, clutching his sleeve before he could leave. ‘Sing Soffkiddy.’
Chapter 4