The Paternal Catalyst 2
The Paternal Catalyst
Rating: PG
Word Count: Over 44,000 in all
Disclaimer: I own nothing you recognize except California. That I rule.
Spoilers: Up to the Maternal Congruence
Summary: Because of Penny's father, Penny finds herself hiding in the laundry room while Sheldon constructs a dating formula and Leonard performs human experiments.
Author's Note: In this fic, Bernadette and Howard are broken up. I originally had a subplot that revolved around their break-up and make-up. However, I couldn't really work it in without disrupting the flow. I MAY write it as a companion piece but as of now, consider this fic AU in that respect.
(This fic was beta'd by the charming talkingmetaphor without whom I would still have the shoddy grammar that comes from writing while an insomniac)
Chapter 1
2
Leonard
‘But Leonard--’
‘No, Howard,’ said Leonard for the seventh time. The first had sounded stern and commanding but since then, he’d lost the will to put emotion into it. He had the slightly slumped stature of a man who could count on one hand the amount of no’s before he’d fold like a bad poker player. ‘We are not going to go back so you can hit on the bartender. Again.’
They rounded another flight of stairs and the small brunette danced around the other, insistent. ‘I swear she was making goo-goo eyes at me. Did you see the way she’d make an excuse to come to our side of the bar?’
‘Where the commonly purchased beer bottles were? Yeah.’
Raj had been silent with a smug grin on his face. He’d managed to find a barfly. But he came off his high briefly enough to put in, ‘Dude, I think she might have been a he.’
‘I don’t think so,’ argued the Jew.
‘But do you want to risk it? Remember what happened last time?’
Leonard remembered. That had been a long night for all of them.
‘Fine.’ Howard relented.
Taking the opportunity to get off the subject they’d been on ad nauseam, Leonard reminded them, ‘Okay, it’s nearly five o’clock so Sheldon will be up in fifteen minutes. Raj, be very quiet when you go to the bathroom and immediately afterwards, you two have to leave. You know how Sheldon hates . . .’ he looked up to search for the word. ‘Well, a lot of things.’
Both of the others agreed with a slight bit of annoyance and then walked quietly up the last flight of stairs. Leonard still hadn’t gotten around to figuring the range of Sheldon’s hearing or how it applied when Sheldon was asleep.
He slid the key in the door as quietly as possible, barely daring to breathe. He’d promised to be home much, much later. The original plan was to go to a small convention in Pasadena. Sheldon didn’t want to go because none of his preferred fandoms were featured. The biggest reason Wolowitz wanted to go was for the Princess Leias, even though Star Wars was nowhere near the convention. However, there were a few women and they were dressed in some provocative clothing. So of course Wolowitz hit on them. What they hadn’t foreseen was one of those women knowing the building manager and getting them all kicked out. Depressed, they’d returned home but spent some time at the bar. If he could just sneak in his bedroom and stay in there until Sheldon went down to get the mail, Leonard could then get down the small back stairs and round the building to the front door, where he would pretend to arrive home.
But when he opened the door, the sight before him erased his memory. A woman was on her hands and knees, ear to the floor to seemingly peer under his sofa. She had on only a shirt that had hiked up to reveal her underwear. ‘Penny?’
Her head popped up, eyes like a frightened rabbit’s. Quick as the aforementioned quadruped, she stood up and tried unsuccessfully to arrange her face into anything but panic.
Behind him, Howard let out a guttural sound.
‘What are you doing?’ asked Leonard, taking in her appearance. Even when they were together, the least clothing she’d wear over would be shorts and a tank-top. The naked wouldn’t come until they were behind closed doors.
She sighed and tried to smile, waving her hand in front of her face. ‘Oh, I just lost my keys.’ Excessive nodding followed.
‘And you think they might be under our couch?’
It was as if she was about to respond but thought better of it, biting one side of her lip. Something he always loved. But then she said, ‘Actually, I was looking for the spare key you guys have.’
He wanted to press it, because why would he have put it under his couch? Shrugging, he took the key off his key ring and gave it to her. What he was more concerned with was where she had previously been, dressed as she was. It was all he could do not to fly into a jealous rage, or jealous sulk as it were. Penny and he had had multiple discussions on trust. Besides, she was clearly drunk off her ass. For all he knew, she just went . . . Well he’d find out in the morning.
She smiled, looked a bit nauseated for a second, took the key, and left.
After they’d watched her go into her apartment, Raj said, ‘I didn’t know she liked the Flash.’
‘Shh!’ Leonard shushed him, jerking his head toward the hallway. Go to the bathroom and hurry, he mouthed.
Howard just stood there, a goofy grin on his face. He hadn’t gotten laid but a little show had been enough to sustain him.
But Rajesh took far too long in the bathroom and that, with Penny distracting him, meant he had just minutes to get his friends out, and himself into his bedroom before his roommate’s alarm went off. He used what little light came from the window to crawl into bed and close his eyes. Might as well get some sleep.
His watch alarm went off and he awoke an hour later, head clogged with the last tendrils of a dream he couldn’t remember. But he had to get outside so he could keep from upsetting Sheldon. Grumbling at the increased difficulty of living with the theoretical physicist (instead of the assumed greater ease of life when he thought to move in with someone), he got out of bed.
But he did not leave as he’d intended because something on the floor caught his attention. It right next to his bed--he must have stepped over it when he got in. Upon closer inspection it appeared to be some sort of shimmery cloth and he picked it up. A pretty, fancy dress.
Knock, knock, knock. ‘Leonard.’
The sound caused Leonard to jerk in surprise.
Knock, knock, knock. ‘Leonard’. Knock, knock--
He opened the door mid-knock, and Sheldon simply dropped his hand and straightened to his full height. ‘Good morning,’ he said pleasantly.
Leonard held up the garment in his hand. ‘What is this doing in my room?’
‘It would seem it is hanging from your hand.’
‘Who’s is it?’
Sheldon looked down at it. ‘Penny’s. It was careless of her to leave it here. But onto more important matters.’
Penny? What is her dress doing in my room? And why would she take it off to put on a dress, then . . . ‘Sheldon . . .’
The taller man wasn’t going to deviate from his topic. ‘It’s September 16th.’
‘But why was--’
‘Do you know what I wear on the sixteenth of every month?’ pressed Sheldon meaningfully.
Leonard knew he wouldn’t be able to get to his topic until he heard Sheldon out. So he tried to remember. But all those lists and schedules, Leonard couldn’t possibly be expected to remember them all. Well, Sheldon expected that, but he was unrealistic. ‘Clothes?’ he guessed. ‘Why would Penny leave her dress in here?’
‘Well, how should I know?’ Sheldon demanded. ‘Do you know where my The Flash shirt is or not?’
‘No, Sheldon. Why would I know? Aren’t you the anal one who--’ And then the image from the night before, the one he’d completely forgotten about, appeared in front of his eyes. Penny in his apartment, wearing nothing but a red shirt and underwear; a red shirt which Koothrappali had identified as bearing the very fast superhero’s symbol. ‘Sheldon . . . when I came home this morning--’
‘Ah, so you will admit to coming home before the predicted time? I heard your plan to Wolowitz and Koothrappali and feared I’d have to suffer through your pretense.’
‘When I came home,’ Leonard raised his voice. ‘Penny was in our apartment.’
Sheldon only looked at him patiently, expression anything but of surprise.
So the shorter man specified, ‘Wearing nothing but your Flash shirt.’
Like a robot booted up, Sheldon inhaled and said to himself, ‘Why would she choose to put on my clothes when her own are made to fit her, whereas mine fit only me?’
That’s the weird part? ‘Why wasn’t she wearing clothes in the first place?’
‘She was but she took them off when she arrived here.’ Before Leonard could question him further, Sheldon simply stated, ‘I’m afraid I can’t go any further into detail on the subject. Penny requested I not talk about it with you.’ The way he said the word requested implied it was an agreement to which Sheldon did not arrive willingly.
As his roommate left, Leonard stood there still holding the dress, mind trying to comprehend what just happened. He knew what the individual words meant and yet when they were put together he couldn’t make heads or tails. No, he assured himself. It has to be a mistake. Like the friends with benefits fiasco, when he walked out of her apartment early in the morning, proclaiming he enjoyed friends with benefits. He’d jumped to conclusions, of course, something Sheldon himself chastised him for. It was something about viewing minimal evidence (in that case, Sheldon coming from the apartment and his statement) and deciding there was only one solution. When in reality, there wasn’t enough to draw any conclusion.
There had to be other meanings behind the current one, he knew it. He just wasn’t seeing it. What did he know?
1. Penny was at the apartment sometime from the time he left to the time he returned.
2. Sheldon was aware of this, and seemingly okay with it.
3. She had on clothes when she got there.
4. Sometime during her stay, she took them off.
5. And put on Sheldon’s shirt.
6. Leaving behind her dress.
7. She swore Sheldon to secrecy.
He had nothing.
‘Buddy?’ he asked in his most sing-song voice, following Sheldon into the kitchen. ‘Can I ask you a question?’
‘You just did,’ said Sheldon, bored as he tried to select from his cereals.
Leonard tried again. ‘Did you and Penny . . .’ he almost didn’t want to say it. It sounded crazy. ‘Did you and Penny . . . you know . . .’
‘You cannot assume I know of what you are speaking. I understand the term is a placeholder for vagueness on which subject you excel at.’
‘Sheldon, did you sleep with Penny last night?’
He stopped and turned to face Leonard fully, expression like that of a doctor scrutinizing a mysterious symptom. And he said nothing for a good long while before he replied. ‘Do you have short-term memory loss? I told you last night will forever remain a mystery to you. However, if you insist on knowing I suggest you ask her. In what I deem to be an unbalanced pact, the secret-keeping renders only the person who initiated the silence to break it. While you’re at it, get my shirt back.’
Chapter 3
Rating: PG
Word Count: Over 44,000 in all
Disclaimer: I own nothing you recognize except California. That I rule.
Spoilers: Up to the Maternal Congruence
Summary: Because of Penny's father, Penny finds herself hiding in the laundry room while Sheldon constructs a dating formula and Leonard performs human experiments.
Author's Note: In this fic, Bernadette and Howard are broken up. I originally had a subplot that revolved around their break-up and make-up. However, I couldn't really work it in without disrupting the flow. I MAY write it as a companion piece but as of now, consider this fic AU in that respect.
(This fic was beta'd by the charming talkingmetaphor without whom I would still have the shoddy grammar that comes from writing while an insomniac)
Chapter 1
2
Leonard
‘But Leonard--’
‘No, Howard,’ said Leonard for the seventh time. The first had sounded stern and commanding but since then, he’d lost the will to put emotion into it. He had the slightly slumped stature of a man who could count on one hand the amount of no’s before he’d fold like a bad poker player. ‘We are not going to go back so you can hit on the bartender. Again.’
They rounded another flight of stairs and the small brunette danced around the other, insistent. ‘I swear she was making goo-goo eyes at me. Did you see the way she’d make an excuse to come to our side of the bar?’
‘Where the commonly purchased beer bottles were? Yeah.’
Raj had been silent with a smug grin on his face. He’d managed to find a barfly. But he came off his high briefly enough to put in, ‘Dude, I think she might have been a he.’
‘I don’t think so,’ argued the Jew.
‘But do you want to risk it? Remember what happened last time?’
Leonard remembered. That had been a long night for all of them.
‘Fine.’ Howard relented.
Taking the opportunity to get off the subject they’d been on ad nauseam, Leonard reminded them, ‘Okay, it’s nearly five o’clock so Sheldon will be up in fifteen minutes. Raj, be very quiet when you go to the bathroom and immediately afterwards, you two have to leave. You know how Sheldon hates . . .’ he looked up to search for the word. ‘Well, a lot of things.’
Both of the others agreed with a slight bit of annoyance and then walked quietly up the last flight of stairs. Leonard still hadn’t gotten around to figuring the range of Sheldon’s hearing or how it applied when Sheldon was asleep.
He slid the key in the door as quietly as possible, barely daring to breathe. He’d promised to be home much, much later. The original plan was to go to a small convention in Pasadena. Sheldon didn’t want to go because none of his preferred fandoms were featured. The biggest reason Wolowitz wanted to go was for the Princess Leias, even though Star Wars was nowhere near the convention. However, there were a few women and they were dressed in some provocative clothing. So of course Wolowitz hit on them. What they hadn’t foreseen was one of those women knowing the building manager and getting them all kicked out. Depressed, they’d returned home but spent some time at the bar. If he could just sneak in his bedroom and stay in there until Sheldon went down to get the mail, Leonard could then get down the small back stairs and round the building to the front door, where he would pretend to arrive home.
But when he opened the door, the sight before him erased his memory. A woman was on her hands and knees, ear to the floor to seemingly peer under his sofa. She had on only a shirt that had hiked up to reveal her underwear. ‘Penny?’
Her head popped up, eyes like a frightened rabbit’s. Quick as the aforementioned quadruped, she stood up and tried unsuccessfully to arrange her face into anything but panic.
Behind him, Howard let out a guttural sound.
‘What are you doing?’ asked Leonard, taking in her appearance. Even when they were together, the least clothing she’d wear over would be shorts and a tank-top. The naked wouldn’t come until they were behind closed doors.
She sighed and tried to smile, waving her hand in front of her face. ‘Oh, I just lost my keys.’ Excessive nodding followed.
‘And you think they might be under our couch?’
It was as if she was about to respond but thought better of it, biting one side of her lip. Something he always loved. But then she said, ‘Actually, I was looking for the spare key you guys have.’
He wanted to press it, because why would he have put it under his couch? Shrugging, he took the key off his key ring and gave it to her. What he was more concerned with was where she had previously been, dressed as she was. It was all he could do not to fly into a jealous rage, or jealous sulk as it were. Penny and he had had multiple discussions on trust. Besides, she was clearly drunk off her ass. For all he knew, she just went . . . Well he’d find out in the morning.
She smiled, looked a bit nauseated for a second, took the key, and left.
After they’d watched her go into her apartment, Raj said, ‘I didn’t know she liked the Flash.’
‘Shh!’ Leonard shushed him, jerking his head toward the hallway. Go to the bathroom and hurry, he mouthed.
Howard just stood there, a goofy grin on his face. He hadn’t gotten laid but a little show had been enough to sustain him.
But Rajesh took far too long in the bathroom and that, with Penny distracting him, meant he had just minutes to get his friends out, and himself into his bedroom before his roommate’s alarm went off. He used what little light came from the window to crawl into bed and close his eyes. Might as well get some sleep.
His watch alarm went off and he awoke an hour later, head clogged with the last tendrils of a dream he couldn’t remember. But he had to get outside so he could keep from upsetting Sheldon. Grumbling at the increased difficulty of living with the theoretical physicist (instead of the assumed greater ease of life when he thought to move in with someone), he got out of bed.
But he did not leave as he’d intended because something on the floor caught his attention. It right next to his bed--he must have stepped over it when he got in. Upon closer inspection it appeared to be some sort of shimmery cloth and he picked it up. A pretty, fancy dress.
Knock, knock, knock. ‘Leonard.’
The sound caused Leonard to jerk in surprise.
Knock, knock, knock. ‘Leonard’. Knock, knock--
He opened the door mid-knock, and Sheldon simply dropped his hand and straightened to his full height. ‘Good morning,’ he said pleasantly.
Leonard held up the garment in his hand. ‘What is this doing in my room?’
‘It would seem it is hanging from your hand.’
‘Who’s is it?’
Sheldon looked down at it. ‘Penny’s. It was careless of her to leave it here. But onto more important matters.’
Penny? What is her dress doing in my room? And why would she take it off to put on a dress, then . . . ‘Sheldon . . .’
The taller man wasn’t going to deviate from his topic. ‘It’s September 16th.’
‘But why was--’
‘Do you know what I wear on the sixteenth of every month?’ pressed Sheldon meaningfully.
Leonard knew he wouldn’t be able to get to his topic until he heard Sheldon out. So he tried to remember. But all those lists and schedules, Leonard couldn’t possibly be expected to remember them all. Well, Sheldon expected that, but he was unrealistic. ‘Clothes?’ he guessed. ‘Why would Penny leave her dress in here?’
‘Well, how should I know?’ Sheldon demanded. ‘Do you know where my The Flash shirt is or not?’
‘No, Sheldon. Why would I know? Aren’t you the anal one who--’ And then the image from the night before, the one he’d completely forgotten about, appeared in front of his eyes. Penny in his apartment, wearing nothing but a red shirt and underwear; a red shirt which Koothrappali had identified as bearing the very fast superhero’s symbol. ‘Sheldon . . . when I came home this morning--’
‘Ah, so you will admit to coming home before the predicted time? I heard your plan to Wolowitz and Koothrappali and feared I’d have to suffer through your pretense.’
‘When I came home,’ Leonard raised his voice. ‘Penny was in our apartment.’
Sheldon only looked at him patiently, expression anything but of surprise.
So the shorter man specified, ‘Wearing nothing but your Flash shirt.’
Like a robot booted up, Sheldon inhaled and said to himself, ‘Why would she choose to put on my clothes when her own are made to fit her, whereas mine fit only me?’
That’s the weird part? ‘Why wasn’t she wearing clothes in the first place?’
‘She was but she took them off when she arrived here.’ Before Leonard could question him further, Sheldon simply stated, ‘I’m afraid I can’t go any further into detail on the subject. Penny requested I not talk about it with you.’ The way he said the word requested implied it was an agreement to which Sheldon did not arrive willingly.
As his roommate left, Leonard stood there still holding the dress, mind trying to comprehend what just happened. He knew what the individual words meant and yet when they were put together he couldn’t make heads or tails. No, he assured himself. It has to be a mistake. Like the friends with benefits fiasco, when he walked out of her apartment early in the morning, proclaiming he enjoyed friends with benefits. He’d jumped to conclusions, of course, something Sheldon himself chastised him for. It was something about viewing minimal evidence (in that case, Sheldon coming from the apartment and his statement) and deciding there was only one solution. When in reality, there wasn’t enough to draw any conclusion.
There had to be other meanings behind the current one, he knew it. He just wasn’t seeing it. What did he know?
1. Penny was at the apartment sometime from the time he left to the time he returned.
2. Sheldon was aware of this, and seemingly okay with it.
3. She had on clothes when she got there.
4. Sometime during her stay, she took them off.
5. And put on Sheldon’s shirt.
6. Leaving behind her dress.
7. She swore Sheldon to secrecy.
He had nothing.
‘Buddy?’ he asked in his most sing-song voice, following Sheldon into the kitchen. ‘Can I ask you a question?’
‘You just did,’ said Sheldon, bored as he tried to select from his cereals.
Leonard tried again. ‘Did you and Penny . . .’ he almost didn’t want to say it. It sounded crazy. ‘Did you and Penny . . . you know . . .’
‘You cannot assume I know of what you are speaking. I understand the term is a placeholder for vagueness on which subject you excel at.’
‘Sheldon, did you sleep with Penny last night?’
He stopped and turned to face Leonard fully, expression like that of a doctor scrutinizing a mysterious symptom. And he said nothing for a good long while before he replied. ‘Do you have short-term memory loss? I told you last night will forever remain a mystery to you. However, if you insist on knowing I suggest you ask her. In what I deem to be an unbalanced pact, the secret-keeping renders only the person who initiated the silence to break it. While you’re at it, get my shirt back.’
Chapter 3