DS9 FanFic, "Apple," G/B, PG, 1/1

[prelocandkanar]

Title:      Apple

Author:   Prelocandkanar (Prelocandkanar@aol.com)

Series:   DS9

Part:      1/1

Rating:   PG

Codes:   G/B

Summary: Garak and Bashir discuss the story of Eden over lunch

Author’s Note: This story was written for the contest “Last Author Standing” at LiveJournal. The contest required each author to write a story within four and a half

Comments

[owleyes_arisen]

Lovely story. The biblical references, the way Garak closes in on Julian, ever so slowly and subtly - or perhaps not quite, in his case. Very nice, overall - a wonderful thing to come home to and read.

One question, though - what exactly does that fruit do? I took it for a sensory enhancer of some kind - enhancing stimulation of nerve endings, and the like. What did you intend it to act as?

[prelocandkanar]

>...what exactly does that fruit do? I took it for a sensory >enhancer of some kind - enhancing stimulation of nerve endings, >and the like. What did you intend it to act as

[theprimrosepath]

I wouldn't say at all that you made the effects too subtle. The cause may have been vague, but I think the effects were pretty clear to be seen. I can't quite imagine how one would miss the connection between the apple and the Ja-Mil'ton (sublte Milton reference?)...and I think making things too overt can ruin delicate imagery. I thought you handled the balance very well.

[prelocandkanar]

Thanks! *whew* ...and yes, the name of the fruit was meant to be a Milton reference. While I've never read "Paradise Lost," I understand that it's the story of Man's expulsion from Eden -- with Satan cast as the hero. Hope I'm correct about that!

[lady_drace]

Oh what a wonderful thing to wake up to!!

How wonderfully realistic that Bashir might not remember the story of Eden correctly. After all, we have no idea what his religion might be, if he has any.

And how beautifully sneaky of Garak to use the opportunity to persuade Bashir to try this exotic (not to mention very illegal) fruit. Naughty, naughty. Though I must say I find it rather unlikely that Garak would just leave evidence lying around. But then again, I bet he was a little... ahem... distracted. :oP

Is it just me or did you make Bashir in to an evil little tease with his food? I know that Idanian Spice pudding is supposed to be good, but really! I mean licking the spoon (or almost) in front of a Cardassian?? The spoon related perversions popping up in my head are plentiful! And I'm sure Garak's imagination is no less running wild. *phew*

The discription of the taste of the fruit is simply art. Wow! it was like I could taste it myself!!

Wonderful story! Great job!

[prelocandkanar]

>Though I must say I find it rather unlikely that Garak
>would just leave evidence lying around.

Yeah, that's a "gotcha," all right. :D

>Is it just me or did you make Bashir in to an evil little
>tease with his food?

Well... yes, but an unwitting one. What I was trying to do there was show Garak's physical attraction to Bashir -- OK, his horniness -- as we watch Bashir eat through Garak's eyes. *sigh* I didn't really succeed, though, because I let the point of view drift around a bit here. If I had been more discplined and kept the POV solidly with Garak, then we would be inside Garak as he watched Bashir eat, and feel Garak's lust as he noticed every tiny detail. Again (related to my other response above), I didn't want to just come right and *say* that Garak was lusting for Bashir.

I've never written and posted a story on such a short time table before, with so little re-writing. The comments I receive here will show me if I should go back and work in this a little more. Do you think I need to be more clear about this?

[lady_drace]

Considering this was a timed challenge, I didn't wanna drill too deeply, but I could mention a few nits if you like.

The only thing that really jumped out at me is that for once Garak doesn't sound as much as himself as I've become used to with your fics. The dialogue works fine, it's just not quite the same style you usually give Garak.

The POV shifts didn't jump out at me much frankly, but I suppose a little fine tuning wouldn't hurt.

Oh and BTW in relation to your canon-schmanon post... does the replimat even have staff (waiters and such)? I haven't really gotten that impression.

And just as a post note: This quote is totally a new fave!

“A narcotic? Don’t be absurd, doctor. What do you take me for?” Garak looked offended, then leaned forward and asked, so quietly Bashir could hardly hear him, “Why? Are your eyes opened? Have you gained wisdom? And do you know now that you are naked?”

Hee hee. Very Garak here. :o)

[prelocandkanar]

>Considering this was a timed challenge, I didn't wanna drill
>too deeply, but I could mention a few nits if you like.

Yes, please! I figure I'll use the stories I submit to the contest as first drafts for "real" stories to post here and elsewhere. They'll give me good starting points, but, contest aside, there's no reason why I shouldn't take the time to polish them up for final posting.

>Garak doesn't sound as much as himself as I've become used
>to with your fics.

Yeah, I think you're right. I've started to drift; I really need to start re-watching the series again to anchor myself in the characters.

>...does the replimat even have staff?

No, you're right. This should take place in Quark's. Thanks!

... and I'm glad you like that line. :D

[bgmanic]

<< Garak considered. “Perhaps the right mate could be both?”
Bashir shook his head.
Garak sighed dramatically. “Very well. Please continue.” >>

This was so totally Garak and closely resembles my take on Cardassian mating practices; why have a subdued mate when one can have a little challenge thrown in?

I think your characterisation of Garak in this piece was spot on ... while you focused mostly on Julian (whose characterisation was also very lovely), Garak's quiet machinations pierced through quite beautifully. I like to think Garak's done the research before asking Bashir about it, to conclude it with the illegal fruit.

Very nice, I love this story very much, a very unique take on a 'drug, sensory enhancement' theme.

[prelocandkanar]

>like to think Garak's done the research before asking Bashir
>about it, to conclude it with the illegal fruit

Yes, that's what I figured. Garak planned the whole thing out. He would have known the story; that way he could be prepared with the "forbidden fruit." Hey, maybe I should change the title to that: "Forbidden Fruit." What do you think?

For a story that came about purely as the result of a challenge outside of the ST/DS9 field, I was surprised how this fit so well into the G/B paradigm. I liked how it played out against Garak's Cardassian, reptilian nature: Garak as the snake, offering what would no doubt be an "eye-opening" experience for the young Julian.

I'm glad you felt Garak's voice rang true. I've got to start re-watching the series again soon to make sure I keep the characters authentic. It must be a challenge to remain fresh and accurate to the show, so many years later.

Thanks so much for your comments!

[blossommorphine]

Should I even continue to comment on your work, since it will always be: I <3 this. XD

I love the references, how Julian isn't an automatic expert in ancient religions and was wondering if he was remembering the sotry wrong. The vague hinting if the fruit was just a sensual enhancer (the way Julian just openly stared! XD) or a aphrodisiac.

"Are your eye opened? Have you gained wisome? And do you know now that you are naked?" Pure win. That and "Perhaps the right mate could be both?" I love your turn of phrases.

I've also noticed a slight 'discoloring' of your characterization of Garak. Almost...seedier, no, um, hmmmmmm. Maybe 'under-handed' would be it. And this is Garak we are talking about. It's not unfavorable, but it is a shift for you.

One thing I found inconsistent is the arboretum. One of the reasons why Keiko O'Brien was unhappy because there wasn't one, and any gardening that would take place would have to be in their quarters or out on the promenade.

This was awesome all around. <3

[prelocandkanar]

I <3 U

[prelocandkanar]

Did anybody get the reference about the name of the fruit?

[lady_drace]

Hmmm... nope, doesn't ring a bell to me. Do tell!

[prelocandkanar]

Yeah, John Milton. Hehe.

Abd-Alscience

[prelocandkanar]

Ding-ding-ding-ding! We have a winner! (Not that it was that subtle!)

John Milton wrote "Paradise Lost" about Man's expulsion from Eden. If I'm not mistaken, Satan was the hero. (I never actually read it, I confess.)