hi everyone, this is the first thing i've written for here. sorry it's so long. i'm not too happy with it, definitely needs work, but this is what i thought of in relation to the theme of 'catch'.
That was strange and sweet, a very good character study. I liked it - probably most of all because I was that little girl, once (right down to the friendship/nascent-crush on geeky little boys). I thought this line was especially good: Mike’s dad had gone to America, and instead of ever coming back, had sent this bat.
I found the lack of direct speech markers a little confusing, though. I'm not suggesting you use quotation marks, but you could use other punctuation. Like here: The boys were all starting to drift off, come on, let’s go and get ice-pops. I think you could have written The boys were all starting to drift off - come on, let’s go and get ice-pops instead.
And at the end, with the three people speaking, perhaps you could have put returns in. For example: Leigh, your mum said to find you, said Brian. I knew that wasn’t true. Why had he sad it
( ... )
Thanks! it's great to get feedback. i agree with the punctuation points. it feels a little clumsy at times just using commas. i think it's a fairly accurate study of the scary onset of puberty, at least!
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I found the lack of direct speech markers a little confusing, though. I'm not suggesting you use quotation marks, but you could use other punctuation. Like here: The boys were all starting to drift off, come on, let’s go and get ice-pops. I think you could have written The boys were all starting to drift off - come on, let’s go and get ice-pops instead.
And at the end, with the three people speaking, perhaps you could have put returns in. For example:
Leigh, your mum said to find you, said Brian. I knew that wasn’t true. Why had he sad it ( ... )
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