hi everyone, this is the first thing i've written for here. sorry it's so long. i'm not too happy with it, definitely needs work, but this is what i thought of in relation to the theme of 'catch'.
That was strange and sweet, a very good character study. I liked it - probably most of all because I was that little girl, once (right down to the friendship/nascent-crush on geeky little boys). I thought this line was especially good: Mike’s dad had gone to America, and instead of ever coming back, had sent this bat.
I found the lack of direct speech markers a little confusing, though. I'm not suggesting you use quotation marks, but you could use other punctuation. Like here: The boys were all starting to drift off, come on, let’s go and get ice-pops. I think you could have written The boys were all starting to drift off - come on, let’s go and get ice-pops instead.
And at the end, with the three people speaking, perhaps you could have put returns in. For example: Leigh, your mum said to find you, said Brian. I knew that wasn’t true. Why had he sad it? Look, get out of here, kid, said the man, sounding annoyed. No, he muttered. Kid, I don’t know what kind of parents you have, but you’re supposed to respect your elders. She needs to go home with me, Brian repeated. I’m staying here.
Thanks! it's great to get feedback. i agree with the punctuation points. it feels a little clumsy at times just using commas. i think it's a fairly accurate study of the scary onset of puberty, at least!
I found the lack of direct speech markers a little confusing, though. I'm not suggesting you use quotation marks, but you could use other punctuation. Like here: The boys were all starting to drift off, come on, let’s go and get ice-pops. I think you could have written The boys were all starting to drift off - come on, let’s go and get ice-pops instead.
And at the end, with the three people speaking, perhaps you could have put returns in. For example:
Leigh, your mum said to find you, said Brian. I knew that wasn’t true. Why had he sad it?
Look, get out of here, kid, said the man, sounding annoyed.
No, he muttered.
Kid, I don’t know what kind of parents you have, but you’re supposed to respect your elders.
She needs to go home with me, Brian repeated. I’m staying here.
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