I'm glad you liked the short sentences. I am a bit of a fragment whore (MS Word hates my guts). I do try to use them sparingly though, although I felt that this needed a certain intensity that only shorties could bring. I squeezed in a few semicolons to join some ridiculously short ones together, but overall I think it was ok.
Just to check, did you get what "it" was? Or did I leave it too vague? The "it" is more important than the actual breakup, although they are both the reason behind the text. I might have to beef "it" up if noone quite understood what I was getting at...
MS Word hates me too! When I put stuff through the grammar-checker (pointless, I know; I can't remember the last time it pointed out an actual grammatical error) it goes mental on me.
Heh, I totally know what you meant but didn't want to mention it.
Angsty! I liked it - you had a nice level of intensity. Very sullen and accusatory. Nothing seems really out-of-place, cause when you're running through these confrontations in your mind you do tend to go for kitsch and cliche - my favourite phrase was "I bend over backward for you".
There's not much more I can say, really. It's a bit raw and it seems like it should be part of a larger piece. But anyway - good stuff!
I'm glad you thought it was ok. It's definitely meant to be longer and more cromulent betterer. I just wanted to get something out. I'd written it all much more interestingly in my head before sleep one night, but the usual happened of it disappearing the second I woke up... :(
my favourite phrase was "I bend over backward for you".
I can't remember having said that... :)
Also, the commenters so far get that it's about a breakup, but have I made it clear what "it" is, or is it too subtle/vague? Because the "it" is mostly the key, rather than the relationship breakup. I might have to elaborate a bit more if noone picks it up.
my favourite phrase was "I bend over backward for you".
I can't remember having said that... :)
No, I meant that was a much abused phrase of mine.
I assumed "it" was the narrator's virginity. Was I right?
Having had a bit of a think about this, I'd suggest (for improvement) a few more details, more story to it - something to make it more definitely the story of one person, rather than an amorphous rambling.
I love this; partly for personal reasons, partly because it's the sort of thing I like... Yes. Very yes. Subjective view, of course, but then all reading is subjective.
I have to start off by telling you that it's very frightening to see someone who isn't you put what you've felt and thought almost exactly on paper like that.
I don't have anything constructive to add, I just thought you should know that you did an amazing job capturing the bitterness and regret felt by someone in that position.
Comments 9
Sorry, not good at being constructive.
kxx
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I'm glad you liked the short sentences. I am a bit of a fragment whore (MS Word hates my guts). I do try to use them sparingly though, although I felt that this needed a certain intensity that only shorties could bring. I squeezed in a few semicolons to join some ridiculously short ones together, but overall I think it was ok.
Just to check, did you get what "it" was? Or did I leave it too vague? The "it" is more important than the actual breakup, although they are both the reason behind the text. I might have to beef "it" up if noone quite understood what I was getting at...
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Heh, I totally know what you meant but didn't want to mention it.
kx
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There's not much more I can say, really. It's a bit raw and it seems like it should be part of a larger piece. But anyway - good stuff!
Reply
my favourite phrase was "I bend over backward for you".
I can't remember having said that... :)
Also, the commenters so far get that it's about a breakup, but have I made it clear what "it" is, or is it too subtle/vague? Because the "it" is mostly the key, rather than the relationship breakup. I might have to elaborate a bit more if noone picks it up.
Reply
I can't remember having said that... :)
No, I meant that was a much abused phrase of mine.
I assumed "it" was the narrator's virginity. Was I right?
Having had a bit of a think about this, I'd suggest (for improvement) a few more details, more story to it - something to make it more definitely the story of one person, rather than an amorphous rambling.
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^_^x
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I don't have anything constructive to add, I just thought you should know that you did an amazing job capturing the bitterness and regret felt by someone in that position.
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