*is nervous*

[liadlaith]

Title: Eight Weeks
Topic: Theft
Wordcount: 959
Notes: This is very, very short. It also doesn't feel like it ended properly. I wanted to put another scene on the end, but I couldn't think of anything that didn't go all overly-explanatory. I think all spelling and grammar and tenses should be right, but if you see anything, point it out.

Comments

[kabeyk]

Oooh, I like. It's just perfect; her changing attitude to her boyfriend and to the rat, mmm.

I don't think it needs another section, maybe if you just shortened the last line. It needs something slightly different, I think, but not much different.

I am certainly not going to quibble with your grammar!

I love your short stories, makes me wonder(again) why someone who writes this well is reading my fanfic.

kxxx

[liadlaith]

Dur. Because you write wonderfully as well, you daft ninny.

Hmm, shortened. What, like cutting out some of the tutor's lines?

[kabeyk]

Like you could end with the word 'drawls', because the point is that she takes what she wants and him saying 'Go on, get out. I didn’t see you.' detracts from that because that isn't the point, is it? Because the point isn't getting away with it(because she doesn't get away with it - she feels remorse, eventually, because her feelings change as a consequence of her actions), the point is that she does it. Does that make sense? Anyway, wait for some opinions from some real writers.

And that is the only bit I'd change, because the rest is perfect.

kx

[liadlaith]

I see what you mean, I'm just worried that ending would feel rather . . . sudden.

[rwh]

Almost seems minimalist. I like it.

If you're going to add a section, just add one line to the end of the last chapter. Something to the effect of her not taking the rat, because she was given permission. Sigh and leave the room - that sort of thing. Of course, I could be quite wrong here and be way off the mark. :-)

[liadlaith]

That is a bit off, actually : ) Fact is, she takes the rat, she breaks up with David and she doesn't see Ethan again. She grows a conscience. It's a "happy" ending.

[rwh]

Stuuupid. Happy endings suck. All stories should end in disaster, dispair and such the like.

[liadlaith]

Says the boy who hasn't seen fit to end any of his stories yet, with disaster or otherwise ; )

[lydiere]

Writing reviews is not something I'm very good at (which I feel bad about, given the excellent reviews I got. But. Let's see. I liked that. I like the balance of the two storylines. Mina's character was really well drawn; even in such a short thing, she was well defined.

I agree that there's something not quite right about the end. Probably, I'd leave off the tutor's last line, and have them stand in silence for a moment, and then Mina just leave. I don't think he needs to tell her that she can take it. I quite like the idea of the last words spoken being from a psych tutor, calling her behaviour fascinating. Because it really is a study in behaviour.

However: even without that, it works really well. Good fun!

[liadlaith]

Brilliant review - you didn't say anything bad about it ; )

I like your idea about him not telling her to take One Week and go. I put that in there to signify that she does take her without saying it . . . hmm. Summat to think about!

[siffa]

I don't know what everyone's going on about - I really liked the ending :) It's a nice sized story, perfect for the style. And your dialogue, both inner and outer, rocks, as usual.

Um, trying to think of something critical to say... I would have liked the David interaction to be a little longer. Apart from that - lovely.

[liadlaith]

Do you mean you would have liked to have seen more of David, or that you felt the "changing of the tide" moment should have been meatier?

[siffa]

That the moment be a little meatier, I think - David's presence is good, it just feels a little sudden, the change of heart.

[foulbeggar]

I really liked it. I liked her changing attitudes to others and herself, I thought you wrote and handled them perfectly.
I didn't have a problem with the ending when I first read it, but then once I read the comments and went back to the story, I did feel that there was something that could change; some elusive little thing.
I agree that it would probably work better without the "Go on, get out..." bit and if Mina just left. I think the ending would be more conclusive than sudden, like you suggested.
And I thought that the moment with David, when she pushes him away, was powerful and 'meaty' enough because it was so sudden and such a realistic realisation because sometimes it does just come to you.
It was wonderful, and that's not just me sucking up. Bravo!

[liadlaith]

Thanks for your review and suggestions! Definitely things to ponder : )