Why yes, I am occasionally over enthusiastic...

[lydiere]

Title: Jacob and Esau
Topic: Theft
Wordcount: 3758
Notes: I'm not really sure where this idea came from, though I suspect it's got something to do with guilt I feel thanks to a related, but totally different situation (which I can explain, but not without spoiling what this is about before you've even read it). I woke up this morning with the whole

Comments

[liadlaith]

I liked that - it had a kind of sinisterness underlaid beneath the mundanity. It reminds me of those stories you hear about people absorbing their twins in utero.

A couple of criticisms though - sometimes you used phrases that seemed a little old for Emily. I'm not sure from what point in time Emily's telling the story, but she seemed fairly young, and then you'd use a phrase like "grew like a weed" and "touch and go" (they're also a bit bland, but it's kinda hard to avoid that in first-person narration, when your character isn't a literary prodigy).

Also, I would have liked to have seen the final confrontation between Emily and her mother, rather than just being told about it.

Apart from that, great stuff! Congrats on being the first to post!

[lydiere]

Yeah - I was thinking she was probably in her early teens or so, as storyteller. But I'm not very good at always remembering to write like a teenager (or, hell, remembering how a teenager is likely to think and talk to begin with).

I intended to write out the full confrontation, but agonised over how to do it for so long I just gave up and went for the vague. Total cop out. I may go back and edit that much, at least, when I can figure out how.

Thank you!

[rwh]

About the phrases being 'too old' for Emily: sometimes that works. Think of 'Ready, Okay!'... that used the style to make the novel even more quirky and interesting.

[liadlaith]

It's been a while since I read Ready, Okay!, but wasn't it more a character trait? I mean, when I wrote Camera Shy, I deliberately used old-fashioned phrasing to signify that Henry was rather removed from modern culture. I don't get the feeling that Emily is.

[kabeyk]

Damn it! I'd only sjust tarted to vaguely wonder what I was going to write

[kabeyk]

Yeah, sorry, don't know what happened to my first sentence.

kx

[lydiere]

I hadn't actually planned it that the mother would be such a central figure without ever interacting directly, but you're right, I think; it'd be a little bit strange for her to suddenly be an active participant right at the end. It probably does need more anger, though, yes - something I'll work on.

Likewise, the age thing. I am not so good with keeping my 'voice' the same.

Thank you!

[siffa]

I really enjoyed this - I think you got the voice of the character down really well, although I would agree with the earlier comments that sometimes the narration slips out into an older voice.

In terms of criticism - I think sometimes you overuse commas, where a sentence would perhaps be stronger if it was two shorter sentences. I only noticed it because I know I do it too, and I'm always on the lookout for it. I also wasn't crazy about the final paragraph, especially the second last sentence of the story - is there a word missing there?

Other than that, it was a great story, and I was quite caught up in it while reading (I'm now wondering who Jacob and Esau are). And thanks for posting first - I'm now all enthused about writing mine :)

[lydiere]

Ah, commas, my old friends. Yes, I'm hopeless about overusing commas. All right in dialogue, since most people do overuse commas when they talk, but not so much with the rest. Thanks for pointing it out. I'm not sure whether I intended there to be another word in that second last sentence, but it is kind of clunky, now that I reread it.

Thank you!

Jacob and Esau are from the bible, somewhere. I don't remember the exact story, but it involves a mother having a favourite son (Jacob), and stealing the elder son's birthright for him.

[hecticred]

I liked this story, and I can't really come up with any criticism except that occasionally a word seemed a bit out of place (for example her mother being "cajoled downstairs seems a bit elabourate and not a word the characer woudl use, so "coaxed" might be better).

I think the fact that Emily doesn't go into detail about the confrontation scene works. I think it coudl be a bit meldramatic and 'he said, she said' to write it out in full. And the story is so much about her perspective on the situation, i think the fact taht the mother doesn't really speak is appropriate.

Good work :-)

*goes off to wrack brains for an idea of her own.

[kadooshka]

I've left it too late to say anything original about your story. I agree with others that the character speaks a bit out of register some times. Otherwise I enjoyed it a lot. I like how everyone has gone for the metaphorical "theft" rather than the literal. You've done well!