Title: Jacob and Esau
Topic: Theft
Wordcount: 3758
Notes: I'm not really sure where this idea came from, though I suspect it's got something to do with guilt I feel thanks to a related, but totally different situation (which I can explain, but not without spoiling what this is about before you've even read it). I woke up this morning with the whole
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Comments 11
A couple of criticisms though - sometimes you used phrases that seemed a little old for Emily. I'm not sure from what point in time Emily's telling the story, but she seemed fairly young, and then you'd use a phrase like "grew like a weed" and "touch and go" (they're also a bit bland, but it's kinda hard to avoid that in first-person narration, when your character isn't a literary prodigy).
Also, I would have liked to have seen the final confrontation between Emily and her mother, rather than just being told about it.
Apart from that, great stuff! Congrats on being the first to post!
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I intended to write out the full confrontation, but agonised over how to do it for so long I just gave up and went for the vague. Total cop out. I may go back and edit that much, at least, when I can figure out how.
Thank you!
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kx
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Likewise, the age thing. I am not so good with keeping my 'voice' the same.
Thank you!
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In terms of criticism - I think sometimes you overuse commas, where a sentence would perhaps be stronger if it was two shorter sentences. I only noticed it because I know I do it too, and I'm always on the lookout for it. I also wasn't crazy about the final paragraph, especially the second last sentence of the story - is there a word missing there?
Other than that, it was a great story, and I was quite caught up in it while reading (I'm now wondering who Jacob and Esau are). And thanks for posting first - I'm now all enthused about writing mine :)
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Thank you!
Jacob and Esau are from the bible, somewhere. I don't remember the exact story, but it involves a mother having a favourite son (Jacob), and stealing the elder son's birthright for him.
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I think the fact that Emily doesn't go into detail about the confrontation scene works. I think it coudl be a bit meldramatic and 'he said, she said' to write it out in full. And the story is so much about her perspective on the situation, i think the fact taht the mother doesn't really speak is appropriate.
Good work :-)
*goes off to wrack brains for an idea of her own.
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