(Untitled)

[masu_trout]

Title: Pilgrim
Author: Masu Trout
Rating: PG-13
Verse: Gameverse, Gen III
Characters: Red, Green, Leaf, Pikachu
Warnings/Notes: Character Death. Inspired by Slaughterhouse Five.
Summary: Death and rebirth, future and past. Red makes a deal with a being as old as time itself.

Comments

[ibuberu]

Amazing. I wasn't expecting the emotions to be so tangible when I started reading this, but you sure know how to deliver atmosphere and emotions to the reader with the precise words, and I enjoyed that about your writing. The style here is particularly engaging I think, not too detailed but enough to paint a clear picture in your head. I enjoyed a lot of the imagery you used, like when you described Celebi and old, old Pikachu (;;)... especially the last scene. Both the imagery and the emotions were the strongest there I think, this is really great.

I guess the only thing I can give a little crit about is the transition of 'Flash to a point in time'. I understand the repetitiveness and the use of it, but it got a little too repetitive for me near the last two parts of the fic. Maybe it has to do with the phrasing (like, it breaks the emotion you established too abruptly), or maybe it's just me. And other than that... I think the ending would leave a much bigger impact with the image of Leaf being lowered into the ground. Minus the '

[masu_trout]

Thank you very much! I'm glad you enjoyed this, and I'm especially glad for the concrit. I looked over what you said, and yeah, I think I definitely agree with most of it. I don't know that we're allowed to change our entries once they're posted, (Are we?) but I'll definitely do some revising before I put it up anywhere else.

Thanks again!

[caddyeverafter7]

This was really well written :) I loved the idea of it but also, the characterization and the feeling and the emotions. I felt genuinely sad for Red when he was mourning his losses and I loved the scene from their childhood. To me, that one seemed like the most vivid, the one I could imagine the best.

Excellent work and thanks for a great read <3

[masu_trout]

Thank you so much! I'm really, really glad you enjoyed it. I was hoping the childhood scene would make some people smile. :)

[lark]

...I'm crying ;_;

[masu_trout]

I'm sorry ;_; (I hope that means you liked it.)

[bijouiee]

I agree completely with Ibuberu, though I have some other things I'd like to say.

This was so heartwrenchingly beautiful. The little moments (especially the childhood scene) were written so well. The last scene had the most emotion, I think. "I just want to see her again," made me feel so horribly sad.

I really liked the idea on a whole. Celebi taking Red back in time to show all of the main events in his life was brilliant . . . you've inspired a new idea in me for my own entry! (hopefully I can finish it in time before the deadline, I'm crossing my fingers!)

Other than that, I didn't see any mistakes. But I loved this with all of my heart and then some more. :)

[masu_trout]

Ah, thank you very much! I'm so glad you like this. I hope you get your fic finished on time, too. Good luck!

[chrysa]

This was... ;A; *has no words* It was well done, and I kind of suspected from... I don't know, but it was subtle enough to let the reader in on it but effective enough to still be a punch in the end.

I agree with what Ibu and Bijouiee said - I think that "Flash to a point in time" is excessive - the repetitive structure of the sentence after it (Red is ___) is enough to let the reader see the parallels.

I also think your last line is excessive. It's enough to be a punch in the gut, and again, the "flash to a point in time" kind of takes away that.

Overall, beautiful and effective piece.

[masu_trout]

Thank you! I'm glad I managed not to give it away too soon.

And I agree with your concrit-- it's very helpful, so thanks for that as well.

I'm really, really happry you liked it.