(Untitled)

[masu_trout]

Title: Pilgrim
Author: Masu Trout
Rating: PG-13
Verse: Gameverse, Gen III
Characters: Red, Green, Leaf, Pikachu
Warnings/Notes: Character Death. Inspired by Slaughterhouse Five.
Summary: Death and rebirth, future and past. Red makes a deal with a being as old as time itself.

Comments

[ibuberu]

Amazing. I wasn't expecting the emotions to be so tangible when I started reading this, but you sure know how to deliver atmosphere and emotions to the reader with the precise words, and I enjoyed that about your writing. The style here is particularly engaging I think, not too detailed but enough to paint a clear picture in your head. I enjoyed a lot of the imagery you used, like when you described Celebi and old, old Pikachu (;;)... especially the last scene. Both the imagery and the emotions were the strongest there I think, this is really great.

I guess the only thing I can give a little crit about is the transition of 'Flash to a point in time'. I understand the repetitiveness and the use of it, but it got a little too repetitive for me near the last two parts of the fic. Maybe it has to do with the phrasing (like, it breaks the emotion you established too abruptly), or maybe it's just me. And other than that... I think the ending would leave a much bigger impact with the image of Leaf being lowered into the ground. Minus the 'I just want to see her again' and the parenthesis.

It drags the depressing feeling out too long, and by the end of the parenthesis, the impact is less apparent. The speech/parenthesis just don't draw out as much feelings as line before them, but that's just my opinion.

Still, great work!

[masu_trout]

Thank you very much! I'm glad you enjoyed this, and I'm especially glad for the concrit. I looked over what you said, and yeah, I think I definitely agree with most of it. I don't know that we're allowed to change our entries once they're posted, (Are we?) but I'll definitely do some revising before I put it up anywhere else.

Thanks again!