cardigan verse snippet of... crack.
As mcwonthelottery pointed out earlier, it's kind of sad that most of cardigan_verse is deeply depressing and unsettling, yet we laugh ourselves to tears over it on nearly a daily basis.
This doesn't quite fit into the current cardigan_verse timeline, so I'm posting it here for now. I'll probably move it over there once we've moved forward with the plot a bit more. ::coughgetonthatbeccacough::
So, for the five of you who actually care about cardigan_verse, here's a snippet that is BASED ON REAL LIFE EVENTS.
***
When Ianto gets home, the washing is still sitting in a basket by the door. Owen is sitting on the couch playing Halo.
"Excuse me," Ianto says. "Laundry?"
"Tried," Owen says, his eyes never leaving the screen.
Ianto rolls his eyes. "Right, of course you did," he says. "You're crazy, not an infant. You can do the bloody laundry from time to time. I'm not a maid."
"Could have fooled me, the way you go on about cleaning up," Owen mutters.
"What's that?" Ianto asks, putting his hands on his hips. He's been chasing aliens all bloody day, putting up with Jack's roving hands in meetings, playing nice with Martha, and scalding his hands raw making coffee for twelve hour straight. He doesn't have it in him to put up with Owen's shit tonight.
"Nothing," Owen says. "Look, I tried. There's a bear."
Owen's still staring at the teevee. Ianto's staring at Owen.
"A bear?" he asks.
Owen shrugs. "In the washing machine." He doesn't elaborate.
Ianto is about to go on a tirade, when he stops himself. He hasn't seen Owen all day. He was fine this morning, but it's possible that this is an episode and Owen is actually hallucinating a bear in the washing machine.
For whatever reason.
Resigning himself to letting his work life bleed over into his personal life (ha! what personal life?), he picks up the basket of laundry and the detergent and heads back out to continue his day's activities of cleaning up other people's messes.
The laundry room in Owen's building is in the basement. There's a set of machines designated for each floor, and of course Owen's is furthest from the door. Ianto lugs the basket that contains more of Owen's clothes than his to the damp, dimly lit corner, and drops it on the folding table. Setting the detergent aside, he flips open the top of the washing machine.
And then slams it shut and takes three quick steps backwards.
Because there's a bear inside.
He's about to shout something, maybe, or bolt for the steps to get his firearm, or call the bloody police, when he gets a handle on himself.
"It's not a bear," he whispers. "It can't be a bear because Owen is the crazy one, not you. There's no way it's an actual bear."
He takes a deep calming breath and then calmly--and, okay, a bit hesitantly--steps back towards the machine and opens the lid again. He peeks over the edge, just a bit, and then lets the lid slam back down.
Definitely brown and furry and--
"It's not a bloody bear, Jones!" he nearly shouts at himself, flipping the door open again and staring down at the washer's contents.
It's definitely brown and furry and it bloody reeks. And there's... well, it might be hands or....
He looks around the utilitarian basement until he finds a broken mop. He grabs it and uses the handle to lift the bea--the thing from out of the washer. He has no idea what it actually is, but bear might not be far off. Maybe a rug or a costume or something, but definitely bear-like.
He opens the dryer and shakes it off the mop handle and into the empty chamber, closing the door quickly once it's inside. If confronted, he would deny the sigh of relief he utters once the door is firmly closed.
"A bear," he mutters to himself. "Or, whatever the bloody fuck--I can't believe that he--for god's sake...."
He shoves their laundry into the machine, adds detergent, and definitely doesn't cross the room at a brisker pace than the one he used when coming down. When he gets up to the flat, Owen is still playing Halo and Ianto's heartbeat is back to normal.
"I have to apologize, Owen," he says, putting his hands on his hips and watching Owen play.
"About bloody time," Owen says. "Is this about the microwave?"
"The microwave wasn't--piss off!" Ianto says. "No, I have to apologize for thinking that you were a bit crazier than usual today. There actually was a bea--a thing in the washer."
"Told you," Owen says, not looking away. "It's those nutters in 203. They ate its soul, then they ate its flesh, then they washed its skin in the washer."
Okay. Maybe Ianto spoke too soon with the "not crazy" bit.
"Owen, it wasn't a real bear," Ianto insists. "Er. I think. 203 you said?"
"They're the ones with the lizards," Owen says. "Trust me, this is hardly the weirdest thing they're ever gonna do. Be thankful you weren't here last Halloween."
"What happened last Halloween?" Ianto asks.
"That's when they killed the bear."
"Right," Ianto says. "If you need anything, I'll be in my room. You can put the clothes in the dryer in twenty minutes."
Owen waves him away vaguely, and Ianto quickly retreats to his room. He hasn't forgotten that the bear is the in the dryer now, but maybe Owen will have the good sense to put it back in the washer.
He sighs. And maybe hell will freeze over and pigs will fly out of his arse. He collapses onto his bed and resigns himself to being called out for bear-duty in twenty-five minutes. At least this time he'll know enough to bring his own mop.
(And maybe his gun. Just in case.)
This doesn't quite fit into the current cardigan_verse timeline, so I'm posting it here for now. I'll probably move it over there once we've moved forward with the plot a bit more. ::coughgetonthatbeccacough::
So, for the five of you who actually care about cardigan_verse, here's a snippet that is BASED ON REAL LIFE EVENTS.
***
When Ianto gets home, the washing is still sitting in a basket by the door. Owen is sitting on the couch playing Halo.
"Excuse me," Ianto says. "Laundry?"
"Tried," Owen says, his eyes never leaving the screen.
Ianto rolls his eyes. "Right, of course you did," he says. "You're crazy, not an infant. You can do the bloody laundry from time to time. I'm not a maid."
"Could have fooled me, the way you go on about cleaning up," Owen mutters.
"What's that?" Ianto asks, putting his hands on his hips. He's been chasing aliens all bloody day, putting up with Jack's roving hands in meetings, playing nice with Martha, and scalding his hands raw making coffee for twelve hour straight. He doesn't have it in him to put up with Owen's shit tonight.
"Nothing," Owen says. "Look, I tried. There's a bear."
Owen's still staring at the teevee. Ianto's staring at Owen.
"A bear?" he asks.
Owen shrugs. "In the washing machine." He doesn't elaborate.
Ianto is about to go on a tirade, when he stops himself. He hasn't seen Owen all day. He was fine this morning, but it's possible that this is an episode and Owen is actually hallucinating a bear in the washing machine.
For whatever reason.
Resigning himself to letting his work life bleed over into his personal life (ha! what personal life?), he picks up the basket of laundry and the detergent and heads back out to continue his day's activities of cleaning up other people's messes.
The laundry room in Owen's building is in the basement. There's a set of machines designated for each floor, and of course Owen's is furthest from the door. Ianto lugs the basket that contains more of Owen's clothes than his to the damp, dimly lit corner, and drops it on the folding table. Setting the detergent aside, he flips open the top of the washing machine.
And then slams it shut and takes three quick steps backwards.
Because there's a bear inside.
He's about to shout something, maybe, or bolt for the steps to get his firearm, or call the bloody police, when he gets a handle on himself.
"It's not a bear," he whispers. "It can't be a bear because Owen is the crazy one, not you. There's no way it's an actual bear."
He takes a deep calming breath and then calmly--and, okay, a bit hesitantly--steps back towards the machine and opens the lid again. He peeks over the edge, just a bit, and then lets the lid slam back down.
Definitely brown and furry and--
"It's not a bloody bear, Jones!" he nearly shouts at himself, flipping the door open again and staring down at the washer's contents.
It's definitely brown and furry and it bloody reeks. And there's... well, it might be hands or....
He looks around the utilitarian basement until he finds a broken mop. He grabs it and uses the handle to lift the bea--the thing from out of the washer. He has no idea what it actually is, but bear might not be far off. Maybe a rug or a costume or something, but definitely bear-like.
He opens the dryer and shakes it off the mop handle and into the empty chamber, closing the door quickly once it's inside. If confronted, he would deny the sigh of relief he utters once the door is firmly closed.
"A bear," he mutters to himself. "Or, whatever the bloody fuck--I can't believe that he--for god's sake...."
He shoves their laundry into the machine, adds detergent, and definitely doesn't cross the room at a brisker pace than the one he used when coming down. When he gets up to the flat, Owen is still playing Halo and Ianto's heartbeat is back to normal.
"I have to apologize, Owen," he says, putting his hands on his hips and watching Owen play.
"About bloody time," Owen says. "Is this about the microwave?"
"The microwave wasn't--piss off!" Ianto says. "No, I have to apologize for thinking that you were a bit crazier than usual today. There actually was a bea--a thing in the washer."
"Told you," Owen says, not looking away. "It's those nutters in 203. They ate its soul, then they ate its flesh, then they washed its skin in the washer."
Okay. Maybe Ianto spoke too soon with the "not crazy" bit.
"Owen, it wasn't a real bear," Ianto insists. "Er. I think. 203 you said?"
"They're the ones with the lizards," Owen says. "Trust me, this is hardly the weirdest thing they're ever gonna do. Be thankful you weren't here last Halloween."
"What happened last Halloween?" Ianto asks.
"That's when they killed the bear."
"Right," Ianto says. "If you need anything, I'll be in my room. You can put the clothes in the dryer in twenty minutes."
Owen waves him away vaguely, and Ianto quickly retreats to his room. He hasn't forgotten that the bear is the in the dryer now, but maybe Owen will have the good sense to put it back in the washer.
He sighs. And maybe hell will freeze over and pigs will fly out of his arse. He collapses onto his bed and resigns himself to being called out for bear-duty in twenty-five minutes. At least this time he'll know enough to bring his own mop.
(And maybe his gun. Just in case.)